Hello there, friends and enemies! ... and random people reading my profile!

Hey, I'm Briar, a green freak, music loving, animal obsessed weirdo, and proud of it! Much peace, love and sheep to the people crazy enough to read this!

Live in the moment! Live as if a doctor just told you that you were going to die in a week!

Stories:

Must Reads: Deadline, The Secret Life of Bees, A Child Called It, They Cage the Animals At Night, Mountains Beyond Mountains, The Shack, To Kill a Mockingbird.

Random funny crap that you should read if you have spare time... which, just so you know, you should if you're reading this.

How Many Dogs Does It Take To Screw In A Lightbulb?
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and we're inside worrying about a stupid lightbulb?
Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code too.
Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
Rottweiler: Make me.
Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
Lab: Oh, me, me!! Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeease let me change the lightbulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeease, please, please, please!!
German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed anything, and make one more perimeter patrol to make sure no one has taken advantage of this situation.
Jack Russel Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
Old English Sheep Dog: What lightbulb? There's a lightbulb? I'm sorry, but I can't see it.
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Or, "We don't need no stinkin light bulb."
Greyhoud: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Austrailian Shepherd: First I'll put all the lightbulbs in little circles...
Poodle: I'll just blow in the border collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
How Many Cats Does It Take To Screw In A Light Bulb?
All Cats: Cats do not change lightbulbs. People change lightbulbs. So the real question is,
"How long will it be before I can expect light, dinner, and a massage?"
Which all proves, once again,
DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF!

How To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity:
1. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with your sunglasses on and point a hairdryer at cars. See if they slow down.
2. Everytime someone askes you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
3. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
4. Put a trashcan on your desk and label it 'IN.'
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks, and when everyone is over his/her caffine addiction, switch to espresso.
6. Finish all your sentences with,"...in accordance with the prophecy."
7. Don't use punctuation.
8. As often as possible, skip instead of walk.
9. Ask people what sex they are, and then laugh hysterically when they answer.
10. Specify your drive-thru order as 'to go.'
11. Sing along at the opera.
12. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
13. Put misquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
14. Five days in advance, tell your friend you can't come to their party because you don't feel like it.
15. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream," I WON! I WON! I WON! Third time this week!!"
16. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling, "Run for your lives! They're loose!"

Random Funny Things
Isn't having a smoking section in a resturant like having a peeing section in the pool?
I live in my own little world, but it's okay. They know me there.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
After all is said and done, more is said than done.
I am nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore, I am perfect.
Everyday, I beat my previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.
Middle age is when you buy the cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
If your drunk driving, and you hear sirens, you know it's time to pull over. One of two things goes through your head. You either think,” I can get through this," or, "Dang, I'm going to jail. If you think your going to jail, may as well have a little fun. If you have tinted windows, pull over real slow and unbuckle. Jump into the passenger seat, and re-buckle your seat belt, so it looks like you weren't driving. Wait until the cop comes over and shines a flashlight into the car, confused. Tell him, "He was here a minute ago! I swear I don't know where he went! He just disappeared!

50 Things To Do at Wal-Mart (place of evilness)

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten-minute intervals throughout the day.
4. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in.
5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift-wrap.
7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
9. When there are people behind you walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles.
10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.
11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10".
12. Play with the automatic doors.
13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this crap, anyway?"
15. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.
16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive."
17. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away.
Continue to do this until they leave the department.
18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.
19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"
20. Put M&M's on layaway.
21. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.
24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"
26. TP as much of the store as possible.
27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down.
29. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
30. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"
31. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?"
32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full-scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
33. Take bets on the battle described above.
34. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.
36. Hold indoor shopping cart races.
37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission: Impossible."
38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
40. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?"
41. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
42. Two words: "Marco Polo."
43. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.
44. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.
45. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.
46. When someone steps away from his or her cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.
47. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"
49. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
50. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.