People that don't know me think I'm quiet. People that do wish I was.

According to suicide statistics, Monday is the favored day for self-destruction.

When you die your hair still grows for a couple of months.

The Neanderthal's brain was bigger than yours is.

The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.

The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in jelly.

Flying from London to New York by Concord, due to the time zones crossed, you can arrive 2 hours before you leave.

You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching TV.

In ancient Rome, it was considered a sign of leadership to be born with a crooked nose.

Kansas state law requires pedestrians crossing the highways at night to wear tail lights.

A fear of long words is, ironically, called "Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia"

In 1992, 29000 rubber ducks fell of a Chinese freight ship in the Pacific ocean. Thousands of them washed up on the shores of eastern Asia and Australia. Some even made it as far as the western shores of Noth & South America. But some have travelled even further; After a few years at sea they floated north into the Bering Straight where they became trapped in the polar ice cap. The ducks and the ice then migrated east. A few years ago they emerged from the ice in the northern Atlantic. From there they traveled down the eastern Canadian & US coastline before be swept into the gulf stream. They are currently on their way to England, and are expected to land sometime in the summer of 2007.

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession

In 1963, baseball pitcher Gaylord Perry remarked, "They'll put a man on the moon before I hit a home run." On July 20, 1969, a few hours after Neil Armstrong set foot on the moon, Gaylord Perry hit his first, and only, home run.

If you put a raisin in a glass of champagne, it will keep floating to the top and sinking to the bottom.

Guinness Book Of Records holds the record for being the book most stolen from Public Libraries.

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

One in twelve Americans alphabetize their spice rack.

Only about 5 of people dream in color.

The average American drinks 3.4 cups of coffee a day.

Your left hand does an average of 56 of your typing.

12 of U.S. businessmen wear their ties so tight that they restrict the blood flow to their brain.

When you sneeze, all your bodily functions stop, even your heart

There is a 33 chance that a peanut grown in the U.S. will end up as peanut butter.

Bill Gates earns US250 every SECOND, that’s about US20 Million a DAY and US7.8 Billion a YEAR!

If Bill Gates was a country, he would be the 37th richest country on earth.

The average chocolate bar has 8 insects’ legs in it

The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.

When were there only three vowels?
Before U (you) or I were born!

What do you do when a Blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull out the pin and throw it back!

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

Can you imagine what the world would be without hypothetical questions?

If it’s Zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be Twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Why do ballet dancers always dance on their toes?
Wouldn’t it be easier to just hire taller dancers?

There is 21.00 in 1 dollar bills that has to be split evenly among the 2 fathers and 2 sons. How is this possible?
There is only really three people…a grandfather, the father, and the father’s son who each get 7.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

They said a black man would be president when pigs fly, well its Obama’s first 100 days in office and boom….Swine flu

A guy walked in to a Doctors office to get a checkup…….. after a while the Doctor comes out and says “I Got good news and bad news”
The guy said “Well whats the good news??”
The Doctor said “The good news is you have 48 hours to live”
Then the guy said “Well whats the bad news?”
The Doctor said “Well the bad news is…. I forgot to tell you yesterday!!”

If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either.

Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.

Warning: Never iron clothes on the body.

Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly. (Child-Sized Superman Costume)

Keyboard not detected. Press F1 to continue

Warning: For indoor or outdoor use only. (Unknown Christmas Lights)

Warning: Do not attempt to swallow (Unknown Mattress)

The sign reads: “Ignore this sign”.

Caution: water on road during rain.

In Jamaica, they call Speed Bumps “Sleeping Policemen”, so in some parts of the island, there are signs that read, “Warning! Sleeping Policemen Ahead”.

Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."

A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class.

She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known saying, expression or proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the phrase. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you.

Don't change horses until they stop running.

Strike while the bug is close.

It's always darkest before Daylight Saving Time.

Never underestimate the power of termites. You can lead a horse to water but How?

Don't bite the hand that looks dirty.

No news is impossible.

A miss is as good as a Mr.

You can't teach an old dog new Math

If you lie down with dogs, you'll stink in the morning.

Love all, trust Me.

The pen is mightier than the pigs.

An idle mind is the best way to relax.

Where there's smoke there's pollution.

Happy the bride who gets all the presents.

A penny saved is not much.

Two's company, three's the Musketeers.

Don't put off till tomorrow what you put on to go to bed.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and You have to blow your nose.

There are none so blind as Stevie Wonder.

Children should be seen and not spanked or grounded.

If at first you don't succeed get new batteries.

When the blind lead the blind get out of the way.

A bird in the hand is going to poop on you.

AND THE WINNER... better late than pregnant

The following is a funny and true story occurring in an AP Government class at Santa Fe High School.

In one of KC's classes, they were discussing the qualifications to be president of the United States. It was pretty simple. The candidate must be a natural born citizen and at least 35 years of age.

However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.

KC and the class were just taking it in and letting her rant, but everyone's jaw hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating ... "What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by c-section?"

a movie producer had called together several big name draws to kick some ideas around.

The project, an action docu-drama about famous composers featured Stallone, Van Damme, and Schwartzenegger in leading roles.

The producers really wanted the box office 'oomph' of these three, and they were prepared to allow them to select what famous composers they would portray.

"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."

"Chopin has always been my favorite," said Van Damme, I'll play him."

Things were going well; the producers were pleased.

"Sounds splendid. And who do you want to be, Arnold?"

"I'll be Bach."

It is said that engineers take 3 minutes to resolve this, architects 3 hours and doctors 6 hours. If you guess the 6th number, you can open the excel file by using the number as the password. Once you discover it, open the attached and enter that number. Put your name in, save it and send it on.

What is the 6th number? 1, 2, 6, 42, 1806, _?

Got it? Click here to download and open the spreadsheet

... “Barkeep, let me get a couple of beers.” The bartender says “I’m sorry we don’t serve ropes in here.”

Frustrated the ropes walk out and, since this was the only bar in town, they thought about it a little while when finally one rope says “I’ve got an idea.” So he gets him self into a bind and frizzles his ends and walks back into the bar and says “Barkeep, can I get a couple of beers.”

The barkeep says “Sure, but aren’t you those same two ropes that came in here earlier?” The rope answers “Nope, I’m a frayed knot.”

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Hello and welcome to the Mental Health Hot-line. If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities press 3, 4, 5, 6. If you are paranoid, we know what you are and what you want so stay on the line and we'll trace your call. If you are delusional press 7 and your call will be sent to the Mother Ship. If you are schizophrenic listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer you. If you are dislexic press 6, 9, 6, 9, 6, 9. If you have a nervous disorder fidget with the hatch key until the beep. After the beep, please wait for the beep. If you have short term memory loss, please try your call again later and if you have low self esteem, hang up; all our operators are too busy to talk to you.

Sometimes I wonder "why is the frisbee getting bigger?" Then it hits me.

Everyone Is Entitled To Their Own Opinion, It Just That Your's Is Stupid

BEST FRIENDS 'N FRIENDS:

FRIENDS:never ask anything to eat or drink

BESTFRIENDS: Help themselves and is the reason you never have any food

FREINDS:Call your parents Mr. and Mrs., and grandma and grandpa

BESTFRIENDS: Call your parents MOM and DAD GRAMS AND GRANDPA

FRIENDS: Would bail you out of jail

BESTFRIENDS: Would be sitting next to you saying DAMN we screwed up

FRIENDS: Will pick out a cute chick-flick to watch with you on movie night

BESTFRIENDS: Will pick out "The Ring" for movie night then scare you and himself/herself in the process

FRIENDS: Never see you cry

BESTFRIENDS: Wont tell anyone else you cry... just laugh about it when your not down anymore

FRIENDS: Meet your boy/girl friend and say nice to meet you

BESTFRIENDS: Meet your boy/girl friend and scare the BLEEP out of him/her by threatening to break every bone in his/her body if he/she hurts you

FRIENDS: Will say you can do better

BESTFRIENDS: Will call him and say"you have seven days to live"

FRIENDS: Ask why you're crying

BESTFRIENDS: Already have a shovel ready to bury the loser that made you cry

FRIENDS: Will help you move

BESTFRIENDS: Will help you move a dead body

FRIENDS: help you up when you fall

BESTFRIENDS: continues walking while saying, "Walk much dumbass?"

FRIENDS: give you their umbrella in the rain

BESTFRIENDS: take yours and say, "RUN, -BEEP- RUN!"

FRIENDS: wipe your tears when you're rejected

BESTFRIENDS: go up to him and say, "It's because your gay isn't it?"

FRIENDS: will bail you out of jail

BESTFRIENDS: would be in the room next to you saying, "THAT WAS AWESOME, LETS DO IT AGAIN!!"

FRIENDS: Ask you to write down your number

BESTFRIENDS: Have you on speed dial

FRIENDS: Borrow your stuff and give it back a few days later

BESTFRIENDS:Lose your stuff and tell you, "my bad .. here's a tissue"

FRIENDS: Only know a few things about you

BESTFRIENDS: Could write a very embarrassing biography about your life

FREINDS: Will leave you behind if that's what everyone else is doing

BESTFRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowd's ass that left you

FRIENDS: Would knock on your front door

BESTFRIENDS: Would walk right in and say,"IM HOME"

FRIENDS: Have to be told not to tell

BESTFRIENDS: Already know not to tell

FRIENDS: Are through high school /college (drinking buddies)

BESTFRIENDS: Are for life

FRIENDS: Will be there to take your drink away when they think youve had enough

BESTFRIENDS: Will look at you stumbling all over the place and say,"Girl, drink the rest of that you know we don't waste"

FRIENDS: Comfort you when you fight with your boyfriend

BEST FRIENDS: Go over to his house and kick his ass

FRIENDS: Bail you outta jail

BEST FRIENDS: Sit next to you singing the jail song

FRIENDS: Tell you to forget it when you say you want to vandalize a guy's house

BEST FRIENDS: Are the ones getting fined by the police with you

FRIENDS: Think you're insane for jumping off a roof onto a trampoline

BEST FRIENDS: Are jumping right after you

FRIENDS: Come over every couple of months for a sleepover

BEST FRIENDS: Are your weekend boarders

FRIENDS: Are offended when you make fun of them

BEST FRIENDS: Kick your ass and all's forgiven

FRIENDS: Are shy around your boyfriend

BEST FRIENDS: Will tease him till he blushes redder than a fire engine

FRIENDS: Don't see you if you're sick

BEST FRIENDS: Are asking why you're sitting in bed under a blanket with a thermometer, book, and your phone

FRIENDS: Dare you to scream into the street

BEST FRIENDS: Dare you to go streaking

FRIENDS: Call you retarded for running through the bleachers yelling "IT'S PICKLE TIME!" (ask MangoTango450 if you want to know)

BEST FRIENDS: Are screaming and running with you

FREINDS: Will ignore this

BESTFRIENDS:Will repost this crap.

My Mother Taught Me

1. My mother taught me RELIGION.

"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

2. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.

"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of
next week!"

3. My mother taught me LOGIC.

"Because I said so, that's why."

4. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.

"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the
store with me."

5. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.

"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

6. My mother taught me IRONY.

"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

7. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.

"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

8. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.

"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?"

9. My mother taught me about STAMINA.

"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

10. My mother taught me about WEATHER.

"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

11. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.

"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

12. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.

"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

13. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.

"Stop acting like your father!"

14. My mother taught me about ENVY.

"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't
have wonderful parents like you do."

15. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.

"Just wait until we get home."

16. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.

"You are going to get it when you get home!"

17. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that
way."

18. My mother taught me ESP.

"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

19. My mother taught me HUMOR.

"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

20. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

21. My mother taught me GENETICS.

"You're just like your father."

22. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.

"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

23. My mother taught me WISDOM.

"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

24. My mother taught me SHAPE-SHIFTING.

"You'll turn into a sausage if you eat any more.

25. My mother taught me CONSEQUENCES.

"If you don't tidy your room, there'll be hell to pay."

26. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning."

Reasons why girls are the best

1.We got off the Titanic first

2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.

4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.

6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.

7. Taxis stop for us.

8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).

11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.

12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.

13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.

14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.

15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.

16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.

18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.

19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.

21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.

22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.

23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.(We don't usually picture guys naked we picture what it would be like to kiss you then get over it and move on.)

24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.

25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.

26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

27. We'll never regret piercing our ears.

28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.

37 Things to do in an Elevator

1. Crack open your briefcase or handbag, peer inside and ask "Got enough air in there?"
2. Stand silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.
3. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you're embarrassed when they open themselves.
4. Greet everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.
5. Meow occasionally.
6. Stare at another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: "You're one of THEM!" - and back away slowly.
7. Say "DING!" at each floor.
8. Say "I wonder what all these do?" and push all the red buttons.
9. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
10. Stare grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: "I have new socks on."
11. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask: "Is that your beeper?"
12. Try to make personal calls on the emergency phone.
13. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: "This is my personal space."
14. When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you.
15. As you are coming to the end of the journey, get emotional and have a group hug. Tell them that you will never forget them.
16. Ask if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.
17. Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say "Hi Greg, How's your day been?"
18. Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: "That's mine!"
19. Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.
20. Pretend you're a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
21. Swat at flies that don't exist.
22. Call out "Group hug!" then enforce it.
23. Make car race noises when someone gets on or off.
24. Congratulate all for being in the same lift with you.
25. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you just shut UP!"
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27. While the doors are opening, hurriedly whisper, "Hide it...quick!" then whistle innocently.
28. Let your cell phone ring - don't answer it.
29. Walk into the lift and say "This reminds me of being buried alive. Ah, those were the days..."
30. Take shoes off before entering. Then look shocked and disgusted when the others don't.
31. Ask people which floor they want, say in 'Who want to be a millionaire' style is that your final answer.
32. Also in your bellboy act, ask what floor they want. Whatever they say, give them a glare and say "you should be ashamed of yourself!", and leave the lift tutting.
33. Ask, "Did you feel that?"
34. Tell people that you can see their aura.
35. When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic, they open up again."
36. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
37. Dress up in a long, black cloak with a hood, stare and in a deep voice announce "It is time..."

Did you know...

kissing is healthy.bananas are good for period pain.it's good to cry.chicken soup actually makes you feel better.94 percent of boys would love it if you sent them flowers.lying is actually unhealthy.you really only need to apply mascara to your top lashes.it's actually true, boys DO insult you when they like you.89 percent of guys want YOU to make the first move.it's impossible to apply mascara with your mouth closed.chocolate will make you feel better.most boys think it's cute when you say the wrong thing.a good friend never judges.a good foundation will hide all hickeys... not that you have any.boys aren't worth your tears.we all love surprises.Now... make a wish.Wish REALLY hard!!WISH WISH WISH WISHYour wish has just been recieved.Copy and Paste this into your profile in the next 15 minutes and...Your wish will be granted

Whenever people agree with me, I always feel as if I must be wrong.

Books are the perfect entertainment: no commercials, no batteries, hours of enjoyment for each dollar spent. What I wonder is why everybody doesn't carry a book around for those inevitable dead spots in life.

"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."

"He who laughs last didn't get it."

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

You cry, I cry. You laugh, I laugh. You jump off a cliff, I laugh even harder!

Hello. You have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are, where you are from, and what you want so there is no need to leave a message.

Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.

Some people are alive today, simply because it is illegal to kill them.

The newscaster is the person who says "Good evening" and then tells you why it's not.

Why is Charlie short for Charles if they are the same number of letters?

High School Musical 3 and Saw V were the two top movies at the box office when they opened. One depicted gruesome on screen torture. The other was about a guy with a saw.

It takes 47 muscles to frown, 13 to smile and absolutely none to sit there with a dumb look on your face.

I’m not afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

I do not deny anything.

Hello and welcome to the Mental Health Hot-line. If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities press 3, 4, 5, 6. If you are paranoid, we know what you are and what you want so stay on the line and we'll trace your call. If you are delusional press 7 and your call will be sent to the Mother Ship. If you are schizophrenic listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer you. If you are dislexic press 6, 9, 6, 9, 6, 9. If you have a nervous disorder fidget with the hatch key until the beep. After the beep, please wait for the beep. If you have short term memory loss, please try your call again later and if you have low self esteem, hang up; all our operators are too busy to talk to you.

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way you're a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

Basic Definitions of Science: If it's green or wiggles, it's biology. If it stinks, it's chemistry. If it doesn't work, it's physics.

I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

If Barbie's So Popular, Why Do You Have To Buy Her Friends?

'Never Argue With A Woman'

One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.

She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.

Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat.

He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am.What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?').

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'

'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment.

For all I know you could startat any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads.
It's likely she can also think.

On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special)?

On packaging for a Rowena iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me more time)?

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought??...)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to...what)?

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: maybe, ooh...fly Delta?)

On a Korean kitchen knife-- "Warning: keep out of children."
(hmm..something must have gotten lost in the translation..)

On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my ..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

When life hands you lemons, make grape juice, then sit back and watch the world wonder how you did it.

Forgive your enemies - it messes with their heads

I wouldn't have OCD if everyone else would just do things the right way.

Your shin (n): a device used to find furniture in the dark

If you've ever tripped where there is a WATCH YOUR STEP SIGN copy this into your profile. (Right after I finished reading the sign...)

"i swim, therefore IM"

"a role model is the last one out of the pool in practice, and the first one out when it counts."

"in swimming, the trick to winning is simply to touch the deck first"

"you play football, you play soccer, you play basketball, but i'll never say i played swimming."

"Real athletes don't wear shoes"

People don't swim because its fun. Ask any swimmer, most of them hate it, but the couldn't imagine their life without it.Its part of them, the love/hate relationships, its what they live for. They live for the practices, parties, cheers, long bus rides, meets, the countless pairs of goggles, water, gatorade, and the coaches you hate but appreciate They live for the way it feels when you beat the other team by those few points, and you know those 2 extra sprints you swam in practice were worth it. They live for the way you become a family with your team, they live for the countless songs you sing in your head while you swimming all those laps. They live for the competition, they live for the friends, the practices, the memories, the pain, its who they are. It's who we are... Swimmers

Your One and Only Wish (something fun to do, DON'T LOOK AHEAD!):

Do it one by one, don't look ahead!

1. write the name of a person of the opposite sex.

2. which is your favorite color out , black, blue, and green.

3. your first initial?of red

4. your month of birth?

5. which color do you like more, black or white?

6. Name of a person of the same sex as yours.

7. your favorite number?

8. do you like California of Florida more?

9. do you like the lake or ocean more?

10. Write down a wish (a realistic one.)

Are you done?

If so, scroll down

(Don't cheat--)

The Answers

1. You are completely in love with this person.

2. If you choose:

Red: You are alert and you life is full of love.

Black: You are conservative and aggressive.

Green: Your soul is relaxed and you are laid back.

Blue: you are spontaneous and love kisses and affection from the one you love.

Yellow: You are a very happy person and give good advice to those who are down.

3. If you're initial is:

A-K: You have a lot of love and friendships in your life.

L-R: You try to enjoy life to the maximum and you love life is soon to blossom

S-Z: You like to help others and your future love life looks very good.

4. If You were born in:

Jan-Mar: The year will for very well for you and you will discover the you fall in love with someone totally unexpected.

Apr-June: you will have a strong love relationship that will no long but the memories will last forever

July-Sept: You will have a great year and will experience a major life changing experience for the good.

Oct-Dec: Your love life will not be too great, but eventually you will find your soul mate.

5. If you choose...

Black: your life will take on a different direction; it will seem hard at the time but will be the best thing for you and you will be glad for the change.

white: You will have a friend who completely confides in ykou and would do anything for you but you may not realize it.

6. This person is your best friend.

7. This is how many close friends you have in a lifetime.

8. If you choose...

California: You like adventure.

Florida: You are a laidback person.

9. If you choose...

Lake: You are loyal to you friends and you love. And you are very reserved.

Ocean: You are spontaneous and like to please people.

10. This wish will come true only if you Re-post this bulletin in one hours and it will come true before your next birthday!

Be sure not to peek!! You don't want to screw up your answer.

Try this - it's really neat ...

Don't look at the answers, wait until you've done this or it is no fun:

1) Pick your favorite number between 1-9

2) Multiply by 3 then

3) Add 3, then again Multiply by 3 (I'll wait while you get the calculator...)

4) You'll get a 2 or 3 digit number...

5) Add the digits together

Now Scroll down ...

With that number, see who your ROLE MODEL is from the list below:

1. Nessie

2. Jacob

3. Esme

4. Emmett

5. Rosalie

6. Carlisle

7. Bella

8. Alice

9. barco chica (ME!)

10. Edward

I know...I just have that effect on people...one day you too can be like me... Believe it!

P.S. Stop picking different numbers!! I AM YOUR IDOL, JUST DEAL WITH IT!!

NOW JUST COPY AND PASTE AND CHANGE NUMBER 9 TO YOUR USERNAME ALREADY!!

Girl: Do I ever cross your mind?

Boy: No

Girl: Do you like me?

Boy: No

Girl: Do you want me?

Boy: No

Girl: Would you cry if I left?

Boy: No

Girl: Would you live for me?

Boy: No

Girl: Would you do anything for me?

Boy: No

Girl: Choose--me or your life

Boy: My life

The girl runs away in shock and pain and the boy runs after her and says...

"The reason you never cross my mind is because you're always on my mind.

The reason why I don't like you is because I love you.

The reason I don't want you is because I need you.

The reason I wouldn't cry if you left is because I would die if you left.

The reason I wouldn't live for you is because I would die for you.

The reason why I'm not willing to do you anything for you is because I would do everything for you.

The reason I chose my life is because you ARE my life."

-I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To

-Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?

-Why do you get in trouble for blocking an exit when you're standing in the doorway? In case of an emergency, wouldn't you run out, too, therefore NOT blocking the exit?

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather...not screaming like the passengers in his car

FEMALE COMEBACKS!!
pick up line comebacks, add to it

Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Hiding from you.

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put u and i together
Woman: Really, I'd put f and u together

Man: Your eyes they're amazing.
Woman: Seeing your back would be pretty amazing.

If you repost this you will get a phone call 37 minutes after you repost
this...
If you don't resend this then your love life will be doomed for eternity.

Stereotypes SUCK!

(Bold the ones that apply to you)

I'm SKINNY, so I MUST be anorexic.
I'm EMO, so I MUST cut my wrists.
I'm a NEGRO so I MUST carry a gun.
I'm BLONDE, so I MUST be a ditz
I'm JAMAICAN so I MUST smoke weed.
I'm HAITIAN so I MUST eat cat.
I'm ASIAN, so I MUST be sexy.
I'm JEWISH, so I MUST be greedy.
I'm GAY, so I MUST have AIDS.
I'm a LESBIAN, so I MUST have a sex-tape.
I'm ARAB, so I MUST be a terrorist.
I SPEAK MY MIND, so I MUST be a bitch.
I'm a GAY RIGHTS SUPPORTER, so I WILL go to hell.
I'm a CHRISTAN, so I MUST think gay people should go to hell.
I'm RELIGIOUS, so I MUST shove my beliefs down your throat.
I'm ATHEIST so I MUST hate the world.
I don't have a RELIGION, so I MUST be evil and have no morals
I am LIBERAL, so I MUST be gay.
I TAKE (or used to take) ANTI-DEPRESSANTS, so I MUST be crazy.
I'm a GUY, so I MUST only want to get into your pants.
I'm IRISH, so I MUST have a bad drinking problem.
I'm INDIAN, so I MUST own a convenient store.
I'm NATIVE AMERICAN, so I MUST dance around a fire screaming like a savage.
I'm a CHEERLEADER, so I MUST be a whore...
I'm a DANCER, So I must be stupid, stuck up, and a whore
I wear SKIRTS a lot, so I MUST be a slut.
I'm a PUNK, so I MUST do drugs.
I'm RICH, so I MUST be a conceited snob.
I WEAR BLACK, so I MUST be a goth or emo.
I'm a WHITE GIRL, so I MUST be a nagging, steal-your-money kindof girlfriend.
I'm CUBAN, so I MUST spend my spare time rolling cigars.
I'm NOT A VIRGIN, so I MUST be easy.
I FELL IN LOVE WITH A MARRIED MAN, so I MUST be a home-wrecking whore.
I'm a TEENAGE MOM, so I MUST be an irresponsible slut.
I'm POLISH, so I MUST wear my socks with my sandals
I'm ITALIAN, so I must have a "big one".
I'm EGYPTIAN, so I must be a TERRORIST!
I'm PRETTY, so I MUST not be a virgin.
I HAVE GOOD GRADES, so I MUST have no social life.
I DYE MY HAIR CRAZY COLORS, so I MUST be looking for attention.
I DRESS IN UNUSUAL WAYS so I MUST be looking for attention.
I'm INTO THEATER & ART, so I MUST be a homosexual.
I'm a VEGETARIAN, so I MUST be a crazy political activist.
I HAVE A BUNCH OF GUY FRIENDS, so I MUST be fucking them all.
I HAVE A BUNCH OF GIRLS WHO ARE FRIENDS, so I MUST be a player.
I have Big BOOBS, so I MUST be a hoe.
I'm COLOMBIAN, so I MUST be a drug dealer.
I WEAR WHAT I WANT, so I MUST be a poser.
I'm RUSSIAN, so I MUST be cool and thats how Russians roll.
I'm GERMAN, so I must be a Nazi.
I hang out with GAYS, so i must be GAY TOO
I'm BRAZILIAN, so I MUST have a BIG BUTT.
I'm PUERTO RICAN, so I MUST look good and be conceited
I'm SALVADORIAN, so I MUST be in MS 13
I'm POLISH, so I MUST be greedy
I'm HAWAIIAN so I MUST be lazy
I'm PERUVIAN, so I MUST like llamas
Im a STONER so I MUST be going in the wrong direction
Im a VIRGIN so I MUST be prude
Im STRAIGHT EDGE so I must be violent.
I'm a FEMALE GAMER, so I MUST be ugly.. or crazy.
I'm BLACK so I MUST love fried chicken and kool-aid.
I'm a GIRL who actually EATS LUNCH, so I MUST be fat.
I'm SINGLE so I MUST be ugly.
I'm a SKATER so I must do weed and steal stuff
I'm a PUNK so I must only wear black and date only other punks
I'm ASIAN so I must be a NERD that does HOMEWORK 24/7
I'm CHRISTIAN so I MUST hate homosexuals.
I'm MIXED so I must be screwed up.
I'm MUSLIM so I MUST be a terrorist.
I'm in BAND, so I MUST be a dork.
I'm BLACK so I MUST believe JESUS WUZ A BROTHA
I'm MORMON so I MUST be perfect
I'm WHITE and have black friends so I MUST think I'm black
I'm GOTH so I MUST worship the devil
I'm HISPANIC, so I MUST be dirty.
I'm NOT LIKE EVERYONE ELSE, so I MUST be a loser.
I'm OVERWEIGHT, so I MUST have a problem with self control.
I'm PREPPY, so I MUST shun those who don't wear Abercrombie & Hollister.
I'm on a DANCE team, so I must be stupid, stuck up, and a whore.
I'm YOUNG, so I MUST be naive.
I'm RICH, so I MUST be a conceited snob
I'm MEXICAN, so I MUST have hopped the border.
I GOT A CAR FOR MY BIRTHDAY, so I MUST be a spoiled brat.
I'm BLACK, so I MUST love watermelon
I'm BI, so I MUST think every person I see is hot.
I'm an ASIAN GUY, so I MUST have a small penis.
I'm a GUY CHEERLEADER, so I MUST be gay.
I'm a PREP, so I MUST be rich.
I go to a PRIVATE SCHOOL, so I must be stuck up.
I don't like the SUN so I MUST be an albino.
I have a lot of FRIENDS, so I MUST love to drink and party.
I wear tight PANTS and I'm a guy, so I MUST be emo.
I couldn't hurt a FLY, So I MUST be a pussy.
I support GAY RIGHTS, so I MUST fit in with everyone.
I hang out with teenage drinkers and smokers, so I MUST smoke and drink too.
I have ARTISTIC TALENT, so I MUST think little of those who don't.
I don't like to be in a BIG GROUP, so I MUST be anti-social.
I have a DIFFERENT sense of HUMOR, so I MUST be crazy.
I tell people OFF, so I MUST be an over controlling bitch.
My hair gets GREASY a lot, so I MUST have no hygiene skills.
I'm DEFENSIVE, so I MUST be over controlling and a bitch.
I'm a NUDIST, so I MUST want everyone to see my boobs.
I read Comics, so I MUST be a loser.
I hang out with a FORMER PROSTITUTE.. So I MUST be a whore myself.
I'm TEXAN so I MUST ride a horse
I’m a GOTH, so I MUST be a Satanist
I’m a CROSSDRESSER, so I must be homosexual.
I draw ANIME so I MUST be a freak.
I am a FANGIRL so I MUST be a crazy, obsessed stalker.
I WATCH PORN so I MUST be perverted.
I'm an ONLY CHILD so I MUST be spoiled.
I'm INTELLIGENT so I MUST be weak.
I am AMERICAN so I MUST be obese, loud-mouthed and arrogant.
I'm WELSH so I MUST love sheep
I’m a YOUNG WRITER, so I MUST be emo.
I’m CANADIAN, so I MUST talk with a funny accent.
I'm a GUY, so I MUST ditch my pregnant girlfriend.
I'm CANADIAN, so I MUST love hockey and beavers.
I'm DISABLED, so I MUST be on Welfare.
I'm a FEMINIST, so I MUST havea problem with sexuality and I want to castrate every man on the earth.
I'm a TEENAGER, so I MUST have a STEREOTYPE.
I WEAR A BIG SUNHAT when I go outside, so I MUST be stupid.
I like BLOOD, so I must be a VAMPIRE.
I'm an ALBINO, so I MUST be an evil person with mental abilities and is A MURDERER!
I'm ENGLISH, so I MUST speak with either a cockney or a posh accent, love tea and cricket, and have bad teeth.
I’m WHITE, so I MUST be responsible for everything going wrong on the planet: past, present, and future.
I don't like YAOI or YURI, so I must be a HOMOPHOBE
I’m not the most POPULAR person in school, so I MUST be a loser
I care about the ENVIRONMENT...I MUST be a tree hugging hippy
I have a FAN CHARACTER, so I MUST be an annoying Mary-sue.
I CHAT, I MUST be having cyber sex.
I'm PAGAN so I MUST sacrifice babies and drink the blood of virgins
I'm PAGAN so I MUST worship Satan
I'm CONSERVATIVE, so I MUST be against Abortion
I'm SWEDISH so I MUST be a tall blond blue-eyed lesbian.
I'm a LESBIAN so I MUST want to get with every single girl that I see.
I like CARTOONS, so I MUST be IRRESPONSIBLE.
I like READING, so I MUST be a LONER.
I have my OWN spiritual ideology; therefore I MUST be WRONG or MISGUIDED.
I am WICCAN, so I MUST be a SATANIST.
I DISAGREE with my government, so I MUST be a TERRORIST.
I am a WITCH, so I MUST be and OLD HAG and fly on a broomstick.
I love YAOI, so I MUST be GAY.
I'm a PERSON, so I MUST be LABELED
I DON'T CURSE, so I MUST be an outcast
I like GAMES, ANIME and COMICS, so I MUST be childish
I'm SWEDISH, therefore I MUST be WHITE.
I SPOT GRAMMATICAL ERRORS, so I MUST be a pedantic bastard.
I'm GOTHIC, so I MUST be mean.
I’m STRONG so I MUST be stupid.
I'm Australian so I MUST hunt crocodiles and talk to kangaroos.
I go to RENFAIRES, so I MUST talk weird, be a loser, and not be up with the times
I’m GAY so I’m after EVERY straight guy around.
I don’t want a BOYFRIEND so I MUST be Lesbian.
I'm NOT CHRISTIAN so I MUST just need converting.
I love marching band, so I MUST be a friendless freak.
I DRINK and SMOKE, so I MUST have no life.
I an friends with a CUTTER, so I MUST be a CUTTER too.
I cry easily, so I MUST be a wimp.
I can't help pointing out mistakes so I MUST be an over-controlling perfectionist
I'm a PERFECTIONIST so I MUST check everything ten times, them burst into tears at one mistake
I DON'T LIKE to talk about my personal life so I MUST be having problems