Ten things to remember regarding spelling and grammar for the aspiring author:

1. Taut versus taught.

- Taut is a word meaning tense or strained, such as the rope I hanged you with when you got these two muddled.

- Taught is what your teachers tried to do, but apparently failed if you cannot comprehend the difference between these two.

2. Faze versus phase.

- To faze someone is to upset, disconcert, or otherwise ruin his/her composure. You remember that old trope in which a silly person does outrageous things in front of a British Royal Guard, only to be disappointed as the soldier is entirely unfazed, yes? And you remember when you tried this in real life, and he promptly shanked your ass with his bayonet? He has been fazed, and you have hopefully learned your lesson.

- A phase is that period in time when you could not tell the difference between these two. Or it is a facet of an object, either abstract or concrete. There are many other definitions whose location I shall courteously divulge to you: dictionary.com.

3. Affect versus effect.

- Affect is not to be used in noun form, for it is not a noun. You can affect someone by garroting them, and the effect is death. Cow farts have affected the atmosphere and the effect is global warming. I'm not sure about the reliability of the previous statement, but I do remember reading about it.

4. Lay versus lie.

- Before you choose to use the word 'lay,' replace it with 'put.' Granted, it does not work by saying you need to get put, but for most cases, it will. For example, you cannot say, "I put down on the crocodile's back," therefore "I laid down on the crocodile's back" does not make sense. To fix that, you can either say, "I laid myself down," or "I lied down."

To lay, besides the gutter meaning, is an act of placing something somewhere. To lie, besides what you do to yourself, is to be in a general horizontal position. Capisce?

5. Irregardless is the most idiotic word on the planet and the fact that it is still in circulation just goes to show the nature of humankind. Regardless will do just fine, for it already means without regard. You may use irregardless if you wish to use double negatives, or if you enjoy sounding like a fifth grader.

6. If you wish to convey what I think you mean to convey, then it is not 'I could care less.' It implies you care at all. On the other hand, 'I couldn't care less' is what your mother replied to the idea of a contraceptive, and consequentially gave birth to you.

7. Coulda woulda shoulda in proper English do not translate to could of, would of, or should of. The correct wording is could have, would have, and should have. Insert clever threat here about remembering the difference. Insert self-deprecating remark about how old [insert] jokes are.

8. Ok, this is all a matter of personal taste, but I can tell you outright that it is commonly agreed on that ok just looks hideous. If you must use two letters, at least capitalize them, like so: OK. Some people use periods between the two letters, whereas I have seen this act being condemned elsewhere. In opinion, that form is the most correct, considering the abbreviation derives from the misspelled oll korrect; however, the trendy-looking 'okay' is more commonly used and generally preferred for its trendy-looking-ness. 'Okay' also just flows better with your writing. As I've said, it's all a matter of personal taste. Ok just looks hideous though.

9. Please tell me you know the differences between its and it's; your and you're; their, they're, and there; and than, and then.

10. Remember that even when you stylize your works and add Ebonics, hillbilly drawls, Boston accents, childish story-telling, etc., nearly all of the rules above still apply. Your characters can still speak pretty loosely, like coulda, irregardless, whatevah, but remember that they're speaking, not writing. Therefore, even if your character doesn't know the difference between 'your' and 'you're', you still know it, and so do your readers.

You have now stepped out of your Huggies. Fantastic.

Courteously,
the Reviewer.