Name: Ashlynn

Birthdate: 6/8/89

Location: California, USA

Hair Color: Auburnish-brown

Eyes: (from center of iris out) goldish brown, olive green, navy blue. not kidding. i wear contacts, but not colored.

Nationalities: 1/4 Norwegian, 1/4 English, 1/4 French, 1/4 Spanish...so I have tan skin.

Height: 5'6"

Weight: (because I am very content with it) 117 lbs.

2) Sirius Black: Ok, so I haven't TECHNICALLY met him...so what? Bite me, you stupid realists!

3) Adam Brody: *drool* He's Seth from The OC and he's in Grind. He also has a very small role in the Ring, but he's not as hot in it. My GOD he's so fine! Likes sk8boarding, comic books, and is going out with Rachel Bilson...Summer, from The OC. Damn her!

4) Viggo Mortensen: He should've played Sirius in PoA! He looks perfect in the LotR trilogy, but I suppose seeing Viggo play Sirius like that would've had everyone thinking of him as Aragorn.

5) Brandon Boyd: Lead singer form Incubus...*drool* I love skinny-ish guys, and he's so...omg...he's just beautiful.

6) Tom Felton: Yay! Especially in PoA! But I am getting him Proactive for his next birthday...Sept. 22!

7) Daniel Radcliffe: Only with his glasses ON!!! He MUST keep them on! He's so hot in PoA!

8) Travis Barker: Drummer from Blink-182. He's just...beautiful. And very talented.

9) Mark Hoppus: He's married, and has a kid...or kids...can't remember...but he's so hot! He's the bass from Blink-182, in case you don't know.

10) Tom Delonge: Lead Singer/Guitar from Blink-182. OMG the WHOLE FRIGGIN BAND IS FINE! I went to their Blink-182/No Doubt tour, and Tom is all like "They say the best way to get applause is to compliment the audience. We fucking Love you, Sacramento!" CROWD: *cheers* Tom: "What the hell? We love you isn't a fucking compliment! How about...Sacramento looks fucking great in the shower!" Crowd: *double cheer* Yeah we do...or maybe it's just me...

11) Ashton Kutcher: He's got a terrible profile and DEMI MOORE MUST DIE (she's old and not very pretty but she's got a great voice I'll give her that), but he's so funny and cute from the front. I LOVE Just Married, it's one of my favorite movies ever!

12) Lead Singer from Dashboard Confessional sorry I forgot his name: OMG so hot and he can sing and omg so hot! I love the song 'Vindicated'! He's so...omg i just love him.

13) Yay my fav. number!!! Michael Ian Black: I don't know if you've ever heard of him. I hadn't, until I watched I Love the 90s on VH1. He's really funny, and he can keep a straight face when he's saying all that! He's really cute...and his last name is BLACK! and he's got black hair and dark eyes and palish skin and hes funny! I'll have to ask Sirius is they're related...

OK now I am done with that...but one more thing. I do thinkt his guy from my school is easily as hot as Ashton Kutcher, and omg...*drool* he's so fine, he looks like a model...wanna c a picture? *wink*

Girls I think are pretty or I just like them:
1) Rebecca Romijn Stamos: Lucky biotch...got married to John Stamos...and now they're getting divorced. She's gorgeous.

2) Angelina Jolie: FAKE LIPS! Her bottom lip is fake, I'm sorry, you can tell when it's had a fill because it doesn't stretch and it looks different from how it used to. She's gorgeous though, and a great actress. I liked her in Life Or Something Like It and Girl, Interrupted.

3) Jessica Biel: I want to have her body. Mine would be the same except my boobs are ginormous like hers. Damn her.

4) Brittany Murphy: It's because she's in Just Married, I think. She's pretty. Didn't used to be. lmao. She was a Bitch in 8 Mile though. O yeah, Eminem's fine, too.

5)Sandra Bullock: Oh come on is there anyone who doesn't like Miss Congeniality? I LOVE that movie, and I can watch it so many times!

6)Nicole Kidman: Yay! And she's in Practical Magic with Sandra! I especially like her in Moulin Rouge.

7)Mischa Barton: Hahahahahaha she was the little girl who threw up in Sixth Sense! hahahahahaha! I like ehr in the OC and in Ring od Endless Light...wow i m so lame that was on the disney channel...

8) Julia Roberts: Great great great actress! I think her oscar speaks for itself.

9) Lindsay Lohan: Better singer and prettier than Hilary Duff. Hilary Duff has cankles and fat arms. Hilary Duff must die!!!!

10) For some ridiculous reason: Avril Lavigne: *screams and ducks flying fruit* I'm sorry! I think she's prettya nd a good songwriter. She is a poser though...

11)Gwen Stefani: She's so cool! And so pretty! And looks GREAT for her age! And she's so energetic on stage, and sounds just like her albums. Yay! lol. You can totally tell she's having fun!

12) Keira Knightley: Her top lip is fake, she even admitted it, but I want her abs. I'm skinny, but not THAT skinny! And I heard she has really bad acne too. That mad eme feel better.

13)Jessica Simpson: Stupid as hell but she's funyn and pretty and a good singer and stuff.

I also like Christina Aguilera. I hate Britney Spears (spear britney) and she has REALLY abd acne but I have all ehr CDs so maybe that makes me a hypocrite. Lo Sienta. Antonio Banderas and Colin Farrel, for the guys, rock too. I heard that Colin Farrel's dick was so huge they couldn't put it in a movie because it was too distracting. lol. muahahahahahaha!

FAVORITE QUOTES:

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, and today is a gift. That is why it is called the present.

She’s a lovely girl, and she deserves a lovely husband, so marry her before she finds one!

I had a lovely day, unfortunately, this was not it.

Accidents don’t just happen, they must be carelessly planned.

All truth goes through 3 stages. 1st it’s ridiculed, then it’s violently opposed, finally, it is accepted as self-evident.

For nausea, indigestion, heartburn, and upset stomachs.

Sure when...OINK! FLAP! OINK! FLAP! Well I’ll be darned!

You call it madness, but I call it love.

If a man hasn’t discovered something that he will die for, he isn’t fit to live.

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.

When somebody annoys you remember it takes 42 muscles to frown and 4 to reach out and hit them on the head.

Your friend is the person who knows all about you, and still likes you.

The truth? You can’t handle the truth.

Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.

Beans, beans, good for the heart...

My love, forgive me for who I was, what I did, and what I cannot change. Love me now for who I can be, and what I plan to accomplish. If you can’t then just love me because my heart loves you, unconditionally.

“Sean loves Angela.”
“Yay!”
“He just didn’t say anything because he thought she didn’t love him.”
“Yay!”
“He’s been pining over her ever since...” “Aren’t you going to say ‘yay’?”
“Nah, I don’t like to be predictable.”

“Messing up your hair because you think it looks cool to look like you just got off your broomstick, showing off with that stupid snitch, walking down the corridors and hexing anyone who annoys you just because you can–I’m surprised your broomstick can get off the ground with your fat head on it. You make me SICK.”
“What is it with her?”
“Reading between the lines, I’d say she thinks you’re a bit conceited, mate.”

“THEN YOU SHOULD HAVE DIED! DIED RATHER THAN BETRAY YOUR FRIENDS, AS WE WOULD HAVE DONE FOR YOU!”

I love being Santa...Y’know, it’s not just about putting on the suit and getting the super powers, it’s making little kids happy, just because they have something to believe in.

The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.

“You burned everything...the food, the shade...the RUM!”
“Yes, the rum is gone.”
“Why’s the rum gone?”
“One: Because it is a vile drink that turns even the most respectable men into complete scoundrels, and two: that signal is over fifty feet high. The entire Royal Navy is out looking for me, do you think there is even the slightest chance that they won’t see it?”
“But...why’s the rum gone?”

His destructive programming will take over. He will be drawn to large cities, where he will back up sewers, cause utter chaos, and steal everyone’s left shoe.

He’s chasing her, you’re chasing him. Who’s chasing you? There’s your answer.

“I think I’m ready to get to know you better.”
“How much better?”
“All the way better.”

I don’t need you anymore! All my life you’ve made me believe that I’m only worth what someone would pay for me! But Christian loves me...he loves me, Harold. He. Loves. Me. And that is worth everything. We’re going away from you, away from the duke, away from the Moulin Rouge!

I know it’s hard for you, but I need you to stay here, and not do anything...stupid.

“Are you a giraffe?”
“Yes.”

Children shouldn’t play with dead things.

Welcome to the Caribbean.

Nah nah nah nah nah nah...and really bad eggs...drink up, me hearties, yo ho!

That’s what a ship is, you know. It’s not just a keyhole and a deck and sail...that what a ship needs. But what a ship is...what the Black Pearl really is, is freedom...

Stop blowin’ ‘oles in my ship!

No one...he’s no one...Distant cousin of my aunt’s nephew...twice removed...lovely singing voice though. Eunuch.

“If all the other kids jumped off a bridge, would you do it too?”
“If that’s all the kids were gonna talk about afterwards, yeah.”

Pandas...cuddly bears that eat bamboo in the forests of China...but when the bamboo runs out, what will they eat? Panda-monium!

Will...nice hat.

This is the day you’ll always remember as the day that you almost caught Captain Jack Sparrow.

There’ll be no living with her after this.

“Weddings! I love wedding! Drinks all around!” “I know, clap ‘em in irons, right?”
“Mr. Sparrow, you’ll accompany these fine men to the helm and provide the bearings for Isle de Muerta. Then you’ll spend the rest of the voyage contemplating all possible meanings of the phrase ‘silent as the grave.’ do I make myself clear?”
“Inescapably.”

She’s safe, just like I promised. She’s all set to marry Norrington, just like she promised, and you get to die for it, just like you promised. So we’re all men of our word, really. Except for Elizabeth, who is, in fact, a woman.

Or maybe he knew that you wouldn’t believe the truth even if he told it to you.

This is just like what the Greeks did with Troy..except they were in a horse, instead of dresses.

Even a good decision, if made for the wrong reason, can be a wrong decision.

“So this is the path you choose? After all, he is a blacksmith.”
“No...He’s a pirate.”

“Never thought I’d die beside an elf.”
“How about beside a friend?”
“Aye, I could do that.”

You like pain? Try wearing a corset.

Every man was born with two heads, but he only has enough blood to fill one at a time.

“...And then they made me their chief.”
SPLASH!
“Will you be saving her then?”
“I can’t swim!”
“Pro to the King’s Navy you are.”

Wait for the opportune moment.

If you were waiting for the opportune moment, that was it.

They done what’s right by them, can’t expect more than that.

Elizabeth...I should have told you every day from the moment I met you. I love you.

I-I can’t breathe.

Beware pf the tangled web you weave when you learn to lie and deceive.

When you look in a mirror
look into your eyes
don’t look at your appearance,
the mask that lies,
instead look into your heart,
into your soul
only then can your
mind and body be whole.

Or maybe, you have already found a girl, and are otherwise incapable of wooing such things...you’re not a eunuch, are you?

“You’re forgetting that I’m Sirius the person and not Sirius the wizard.”
“I prefer Sirius the person in leather pants, actually.”

its important to find a man that helps at home, cooks occaisionally, and has
a good job. its important to find a man that makes you laugh. its important to find a man who you can depend on and that doesn't lie to
you. its important to find a man who is good in bed and adores having sex with
you. it is VERY VERY important that these four men do not meet each other

“If you want to truly know what a man is like, take a good look at how he treats his inferiors, not his equals.”-Sirius Black, Goblet of Fire, JK Rowling

“Ooh! What planet is that, Prof.?” Lavendar squealed.
“It’s Uranus, dear.”
“Can I see Uranus, too, Lavendar?”

“Dream as if you’ll live forever, live as if you’ll die today.”-James Dean

Draco Dormiens Nunquam Titillandus (Latin for: Never tickle a sleeping dragon.)

Acting is the most minor of gifts and not a very high-class way to earn a living. After all, Shirley Temple could do it at the age of four.

I love acting. It is so much more real than life.

Stupid if forever, ignorance can be fixed.

The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was the suspect.

It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value.

On the internet, nobody knows you’re a dog.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.

Don’t accept rides from strange men, and remember that all men are strange.

For most of history, Anonymous was a woman.

Mistakes are part of being human. Appreciate your mistakes for what they are: precious life lessons that can only be learned the hard way. Unless it’s a fatal mistake, which, at least, others can learn from.

Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life.. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.

Classical music is the kind that we keep thinking will turn into a tune.

If a thing isn’t worth saying, you sing it.

How did you know if you were in love? Love was when your heart beat faster than you ever thought possible and your pulse quickened every time they touched you. It was when you were having the most miserable day of your life and their smile was enough to make you forget your troubles. It was when that person invaded your thoughts at every waking moment, and even crept stealthily into your dreams at night. Love was when your happiness no longer mattered as long as they were happy.

How did you know if you were in love? You just knew ...

Five score years ago, a great American, in whose symbolic shadow we stand signed the Emancipation Proclamation. This momentous decree came as a great beacon light of hope to millions of Negro slaves who had been seared in the flames of withering injustice. It came as a joyous daybreak to end the long night of captivity. But one hundred years later, we must face the tragic fact that the Negro is still not free.
1. One hundred years later, the life of the Negro is still sadly crippled by the manacles of segregation and the chains of discrimination. One hundred years later, the Negro lives on a lonely island of poverty in the midst of a vast ocean of material prosperity. One hundred years later, the Negro is still languishing in the corners of American society and finds himself an exile in his own land.
So we have come here today to dramatize an appalling condition. In a sense we have come to our nation's capital to cash a check. When the architects of our republic wrote the magnificent words of the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence, they were signing a promissory note to which every American was to fall heir.
This note was a promise that all men would be guaranteed the inalienable rights of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. It is obvious today that America has defaulted on this promissory note insofar as her citizens of color are concerned. Instead of honoring this sacred obligation, America has given the Negro people a bad check which has come back marked "insufficient funds." But we refuse to believe that the bank of justice is bankrupt. We refuse to believe that there are insufficient funds in the great vaults of opportunity of this nation.
So we have come to cash this check -- a check that will give us upon demand the riches of freedom and the security of justice. We have also come to this hallowed spot to remind America of the fierce urgency of now. This is no time to engage in the luxury of cooling off or to take the tranquilizing drug of gradualism. Now is the time to rise from the dark and desolate valley of segregation to the sunlit path of racial justice. Now is the time to open the doors of opportunity to all of God's children. Now is the time to lift our nation from the quicksands of racial injustice to the solid rock of brotherhood.
It would be fatal for the nation to overlook the urgency of the moment and to underestimate the determination of the Negro. This sweltering summer of the Negro's legitimate discontent will not pass until there is an invigorating autumn of freedom and equality. Nineteen sixty-three is not an end, but a beginning. Those who hope that the Negro needed to blow off steam and will now be content will have a rude awakening if the nation returns to business as usual. There will be neither rest nor tranquility in America until the Negro is granted his citizenship rights.
The whirlwinds of revolt will continue to shake the foundations of our nation until the bright day of justice emerges. But there is something that I must say to my people who stand on the warm threshold which leads into the palace of justice. In the process of gaining our rightful place we must not be guilty of wrongful deeds. Let us not seek to satisfy our thirst for freedom by drinking from the cup of bitterness and hatred.
We must forever conduct our struggle on the high plane of dignity and discipline. we must not allow our creative protest to degenerate into physical violence. Again and again we must rise to the majestic heights of meeting physical force with soul force.
The marvelous new militancy which has engulfed the Negro community must not lead us to distrust of all white people, for many of our white brothers, as evidenced by their presence here today, have come to realize that their destiny is tied up with our destiny and their freedom is inextricably bound to our freedom.
We cannot walk alone. And as we walk, we must make the pledge that we shall march ahead. We cannot turn back. There are those who are asking the devotees of civil rights, "When will you be satisfied?" we can never be satisfied as long as our bodies, heavy with the fatigue of travel, cannot gain lodging in the motels of the highways and the hotels of the cities. We cannot be satisfied as long as the Negro's basic mobility is from a smaller ghetto to a larger one. We can never be satisfied as long as a Negro in Mississippi cannot vote and a Negro in New York believes he has nothing for which to vote. No, no, we are not satisfied, and we will not be satisfied until justice rolls down like waters and righteousness like a mighty stream.
I am not unmindful that some of you have come here out of great trials and tribulations. Some of you have come fresh from narrow cells. Some of you have come from areas where your quest for freedom left you battered by the storms of persecution and staggered by the winds of police brutality. You have been the veterans of creative suffering. Continue to work with the faith that unearned suffering is redemptive.
Go back to Mississippi, go back to Alabama, go back to Georgia, go back to Louisiana, go back to the slums and ghettos of our northern cities, knowing that somehow this situation can and will be changed. Let us not wallow in the valley of despair. I say to you today, my friends, that in spite of the difficulties and frustrations of the moment, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream.
I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal." I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slaveowners will be able to sit down together at a table of brotherhood. I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a desert state, sweltering with the heat of injustice and oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice. I have a dream that my four children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character. I have a dream today.
I have a dream that one day the state of Alabama, whose governor's lips are presently dripping with the words of interposition and nullification, will be transformed into a situation where little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls and walk together as sisters and brothers. I have a dream today. I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made plain, and the crooked places will be made straight, and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed, and all flesh shall see it together. This is our hope. This is the faith with which I return to the South. With this faith we will be able to hew out of the mountain of despair a stone of hope. With this faith we will be able to transform the jangling discords of our nation into a beautiful symphony of brotherhood. With this faith we will be able to work together, to pray together, to struggle together, to go to jail together, to stand up for freedom together, knowing that we will be free one day.
This will be the day when all of God's children will be able to sing with a new meaning, "My country, 'tis of thee, sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing. Land where my fathers died, land of the pilgrim's pride, from every mountainside, let freedom ring." And if America is to be a great nation, this must become true. So let freedom ring from the prodigious hilltops of New Hampshire. Let freedom ring from the mighty mountains of New York. Let freedom ring from the heightening Alleghenies of Pennsylvania! Let freedom ring from the snowcapped Rockies of Colorado! Let freedom ring from the curvaceous peaks of California! But not only that; let freedom ring from Stone Mountain of Georgia! Let freedom ring from Lookout Mountain of Tennessee! Let freedom ring from every hill and every molehill of Mississippi. From every mountainside, let freedom ring.
When we let freedom ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual, "Free at last! free at last! thank God Almighty, we are free at last!"
(yeah that's right I just put theentire Martin Luthe King Jr. speech on there!)

:
MY FAVORITE THING IN LIKE THE WHOLE WORLD BECAUSE IT MAKES ME LAUGH EVERY TIME I READ IT:

Some Dark Bedroom

HARRY: *plays with his wand in the middle of the night*

MR. DURSLEY:

Stop playing with your wand in the middle of the night, boy

HARRY: *won’t stop playing with his wand in the middle of the night*

CLEO: Uh…

THE LOVELY EMILY: Dude, I KNOW.

Aunt Marge Comes to Visit

AUNT MARGE: Carry my luggage, boy

HARRY: …

AUNT MARGE: Clean my plate, boy

HARRY: …

AUNT MARGE: Come back and listen to my insults, boy

HARRY: …

AUNT MARGE: Your mother was a bitch

AUNT MARGE’S GLASS: *explodes*

MR. DURSLEY: Oh, shit.

AUNT MARGE: …and your father was a drunk

HARRY: I KEEL YOU

AUNT MARGE: *spontaneously Violet Beauregards and floats away into the sky*

DUDLEY: *drools*

Five minutes later, Harry stomps down with his trunk packed.

MR. DURSLEY: YOU DEFLATE YOUR AUNT RIGHT NOW

HARRY: FUCK ALL Y’ALL AND THIS POPSICLE STAND

AUNT MARGE IN THE DISTANCE: AHHHHHHHHHHHH

Some Dark Street

Harry storms off into the night dragging his trunk, apparently having left his owl to the Dursleys’ tender mercies.

HP FANS: OMGWTFHEDWIG

SOME DARK AND SCARY SWING SET: *swings*

SOME DARK AND SCARY SEESAW: *saws*

SOME SCARY BLACK DOG: Rrrrrr Black dog, I’m a BLACK dog

HARRY: Okay, maybe I didn’t think this all the way through.

The Knight Bus arrives, which is for some reason piloted by a legally blind man and a shrunken head. ON CRACK. Stan Shunpike heaves Harry’s trunk on board.

STAN: This ’ere newspaper says—

KNIGHT BUS: ZOOM
STAN: —that Sirius Black is a psycho killer escaped from—

KNIGHT BUS: VEER

STAN: —Azkaban, the terrible prison for wizards, and is dangerous and—

KNIGHT BUS: DEATH-DEFY

STAN: —on the loose and one of You-Know-Who’s most faithful supporters and probably out looking for a boy wizard to kill

HARRY peeling his face off the window: You done with the trip to the Department of Back Story?

STAN: Yeah, I think so. NEXT STOP LEAKY CAULDRON

The Leaky Cauldron

CORNELIUS FUDGE: *has a Ministry of Magic office in the middle of a tavern for some reason*

HARRY: Hedwig You made it

HEDWIG: Love you too, bitch.

FUDGE: So Harry Bit of illegal magic there that we usually expel students for No worries, all cleaned up, be on your way now

HUNCHBACK: Mr. Potter Saaanctuaaary

HARRY: Y'all. Are such. Freaks.

HUNCHBACK: ONE OF US ONE OF US

HARRY: *runs*

Room 11, The Leaky Cauldron

Fudge has helpfully bought all of Harry's new school books.

THE MONSTER BOOK OF MONSTERS: *eats Harry’s face*

HARRY: I shall stomp on you and tie you up and name you Fizgig.

THE MONSTER BOOK OF MONSTERS: AHahAHahAHahAH

The Leaky Cauldron, The Next Day

RON AND HERMIONE: *bicker bicker Scabbers plot point bicker*

WANTED POSTER: RAAAA LOOK AT ME I’M SO CRAZY I’M CRAZY GARY OLDMAN

MR. WEASLEY: Harry, there’s something I’m not supposed to tell you that I’ve gotta tell you.

HARRY: Okay, shoot.

MR. WEASLEY: Sirius Black is specifically coming to kill you. Promise me that whatever terrible and infuriating things anyone says, you won’t go after him.

HARRY: Should I ask follow-up questions about this?

MR. WEASLEY: Not unless you want to get down to the bottom of the mystery in the first fifteen minutes of the movie.

HARRY: Oh, okay.

WANTED POSTER: SO CRAZY

The Hogwarts Express

MRS. WEASLEY with Scabbers: OMG RON DON’T FORGET YOUR PLOT POINT
HARRY: Guys, I have something really freaky to tell you Shall we sit in the train car with the drunk sleeping under a coat?

HERMIONE: Sure, might as well.

HARRY: Rock. So, Sirius Black is coming to kill me and stuff.
WINDOW: *frosts over*

DRUNK’S BOTTLE: *freezes*

RON: OMG we’re going into a new ice age Everybody start burning books

SCARY SHRIVELED HAND: *pulls open door*

DEMENTOR: SHIIIIIRE…. BAAAAAGGINS….

KIDS: AHHHHHHH

DEMENTOR: *dements*

HARRY: *pitches a spaz*

RON AND HERMIONE: Help Somebody help

DRUNK: …

RON AND HERMIONE: SOMEBODY HELP, GODDAMMIT GO DEMENT THE DRUNK OR SOMETHING

DRUNK LUPIN leaping up: I am no drunk I am your pitifully mysterious new professor who takes his sweet-ass time coming to the aid of his new students BACK, YOU DEVIL

DEMENTOR: *flees*

LUPIN: Here, eat this chocolate.

Great Hall, Hogwarts

GROOVY NEW DUMBLEDORE: Many thanks to the Richard Harris Memorial Toad Choir for that lovely performance. Greetings, salutations, and what up: I will be your new Dumbledore this year, which I’m sure will be fabulous despite the presence of a few hundred undernourished ringwraiths on the premises. Hagrid will be taking over the Care of Magical Creatures class despite having no teaching credentials whatsoever, and also, we have a new teacher, Professor Lupin, to fill our cursed Defense of the Dark Arts spot. Good luck making it through the year alive, Remus

SNAPE: *gives Lupin the stink-eye*

LUPIN: Oh, I feel at home already.

Gryffindor Boys’ Dormitory

The boys eat candy, roar like wild animals, and have a pillow fight.

DEMENTOR FLOATING AROUND HOGWARTS: I think I saw a porno like this once.

Divination Class

TRELAWNEY: Ooooooh Aaaaaaah There is totally a big scary black dog following you

HARRY: You get paid for this?

RON: Hermione When’d you get here?

HERMIONE: Pshhhh, I was here the whole time. Also, this class sucks. Which I know, because I was here the whole time. My Ancient Runes class is a lot better.

RON: Wait a minute… aren’t Runes and Divination at the same time?
HERMIONE: …Yes.

RON: So how are you taking two classes at once?
HERMIONE: I’m not, stupid.

RON: Except… for the part… where you totally are…?

HERMIONE: …

Care of Magical Creatures Class

RON: Wow, Hagrid’s hut is in a totally different location than it used to be.

HERMIONE: Seriously, what up with that?

RON: AHHHH YOU WHERE DID YOU COME FROM?

HAGRID: Since Harry has the most experience dealing with weird shit, he can go first. Bow to the nice horsybird, Harry.

BUCKBEAK: *snuffle squawk gnash snort RAAAA *

HERMIONE: *grabs Ron’s hand*

RON/HERMIONE SHIPPERS: YAY

RON AND HERMIONE: COOTIES AHHHHH

After flirting with feathery death for a few minutes, Harry wins the hippogriff’s respect and gets an impromptu flight around Hogwarts.

HARRY: WOOOOOOOOO

HALF THE AUDIENCE: He’s KING OF THE WOOOORLD

CLEO: *eye roll*

HALF THE AUDIENCE: Okay, you think of a better joke.

CLEO: …

DRACO: OUTTA MY WAY, PLEBE, IT’S MY TURN ON THE HORSYBIRD

BUCKBEAK: *administers a two-hoof beatdown*

DRACO: *cries for Daddy*

HAGRID: Lord. Tell Madam Pomfrey to pull out the smelling salts, I gotta bear Miss Malfoy here off to the fainting couch.

DRACO: Faster, plebe I do believe I have the vapors

Defense of the Dark Arts Class

LUPIN: All right, dementors suck, and I still can’t figure out why they’re picking on teenage kids who don’t look anything like Crazy Gary Oldman, so we’re going to learn about boggarts and how to laugh at them. Line up

MUSIC: *is madcap*

LUPIN: So, Neville, what are you afraid of?

NEVILLE: Everything?

LUPIN: Besides that?
NEVILLE: Professor Snape.

LUPIN: Snape it is then Make your fears funny and therefore harmless

NEVILLE: *changes Snape into Drag Queen Grandma Snape*

DRAG QUEEN GRANDMA SNAPE: RUNS in my STOCKINGS? FIFTY POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR

RON: *changes giant spider into giant roller-skating spider*
PARVATI: *changes a snake into a GIANT SCARY CLOWN JACK-IN-THE BOX*

HARRY: Dude, you’re not helping.

LUPIN: Go on, Harry I’m sure none of the things you’ve witnessed in your life would give the other students heart attacks at all

HARRY: *conjures a dementor*

LUPIN: AHHH CANCEL CANCEL CANCEL

Some Really Long Bridge on the School Grounds That Didn’t Exist Before This Movie

Everyone else has gone to Hogsmeade. Harry can’t, because the Dursleys suck.

LUPIN: So I knew you’d conjure something terrifying, which is why I stopped you.

HARRY: Except that… you totally didn’t.

LUPIN: Whatever. My point is, I thought you’d choose Voldemort for your turn.

HARRY: Well, then, that makes letting me have a whack at the boggart really stupid, now, doesn’t it?

LUPIN: …

HARRY: …

LUPIN: Here, eat this chocolate. You know, you look a lot like your father. Except that you have J.K. Rowling’s eyes.

HARRY: Awww, thanks.

The Portrait Gallery

THE FAT LADY: OMG MY PORTRAIT HAS BEEN SLASHED DEFILED THE SHAME

MCGONAGALL: Sirius Black was trying to get to Harry Potter and kill him

SCABBERS THE RAT: *looks away, whistling*

DUMBLEDORE: All right, everyone in the Great Hall for a sleepover

FILCH: I think I saw a porno like this once.

Defense Against the Dark Arts Class

SNAPE: EVERYONE SIT DOWN AND SHUT THE GODDAMN HELL UP.

CLEO: Dude, this is so totally how I would teach a class.

HARRY: Where’s Professor Lupin?

SNAPE: MOONING AROUND somewhere, I’m sure. In other news, today’s lesson is on WEREWOLVES. Can anyone enlighten the audience on the difference between a WEREWOLF and an animagus?
HERMIONE: Yes A werewolf can’t help changing into an animal and doesn’t remember who he is, while an animagus chooses to change and can control himself.

SNAPE: Correct. FIVE THOUSAND POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR

HERMIONE: I—but the—adda—wibba—

SNAPE: I want two rolls of parchment on WEREWOLVES by tomorrow, including what WEREWOLVES look like, how to detect WEREWOLVES in the faculty of a British boarding school for wizards, and the definition of the Latin word “lupus.” CLASS DISMISSED

CLASS: *grumble grumble homework grumble*

DRACO (writing):
Mr. Harry Potter
Draco Potter
Draco Malfoy-Potter
Mr. and Mr. Malfoy-Potter

DRACO/HARRY SHIPPERS: YAY

DRACO: *crumples up paper, starts over, sends over Origami Crane of Pigtail-Pulling*

THE NOTE:

Dear Potter,

HA HA

EVERYONE ELSE: *leaves*
SNAPE shouting after them: WEREWOLVES WEREWOLVES WEREWOLVES

Apparently the Only Quidditch Game Played at Hogwarts This Year

THE RAIN: *is torrential*

HARRY’S GOGGLES: *are sporty*

OLIVER WOOD: *is not there*

HP FANS: *grumble grumble like to polish his Biggerstaff grumble*

Harry ends up chasing the Snitch up into the stratosphere, where the Dementors show up, start dementing, and sucking Harry’s face until he falls off his broom and plummets to earth in front of several hundred shrieking spectators.

DUMBLEDORE: THIS IS NOT GROOVY AT ALL

The Infirmary

HARRY: What happened?

RON: You fell a hundred feet and nearly died but Dumbledore, like, caught you with his mind or something.

HARRY: THE GAME, Ron.

HERMIONE: Uh…wekindalostdontblameyourselfHarry.

HARRY: Well, shit. Could things get any worse?

RON: Funny you should say that.

HARRY’S BROOM: *is dead from tree*

Harry and Lupin Take a Stroll Through the Woods

LUPIN: So… that bit about your broom sucks.

HARRY: Tell me about it.

LUPIN: Here, have some chocolate.

Some Snowy Courtyard

Harry mopes around in his invisibility cloak, trying to sneak off to Hogsmeade, but the Weasley twins catch him.

FRED: Merry Christmas

GEORGE: Have a party
HARRY: It’s…

FRED: An invisible map

GEORGE: to go with your cloak

FRED: It has all

GEORGE: the secret passages

HARRY: WOOT

The Shrieking Shack, Hogsmeade

HERMIONE: You wanna come closer?

RON: Ew, you have cooties
HERMIONE: To the Shack.

RON: The Shack also has cooties

DRACO: Weasley and the Mudblood, sitting in a tree

DRACO’S HAT: *sneers furrily*

CRABBE AND GOYLE: HA HA

INVISIBLE HARRY: *wreaks snowy vengeance*

DRACO: *runs off crying for Daddy*

The Three Broomsticks, Hogsmeade

Invisible Harry overhears his name and follows Fudge, McGonagall, and Madame Rosmerta into the Three Broomsticks.

THE AUDIENCE: Hey It’s Brad Pitt’s goddess mom Hi, Brad Pitt’s goddess mom What are you the goddess of this time?

MADAME ROSMERTA: Back story. So, Minerva, what’s up with Harry and Sirius Black?

MCGONAGALL: Well, you’ll never believe it, but Sirius Black is actually Harry’s godfather because he was the Potters’ best friend but he totally sold them out to You-Know-Who and now he wants to kill Harry.
MADAME ROSMERTA: It couldn’t possibly have anything to do with the mysterious nine-fingered death of Peter Pettigrew, could it?

MCGONAGALL: Shpfff, of course not.

Snowy Glade of Teenage Weeping, Hogsmeade

NO-LONGER-INVISIBLE HARRY: OMG HE WAS THEIR FRIEND I KILL YOU DEAD, SIRIUS BLACK

HERMIONE: I would give you a comforting hug, but… y’know, the cooties.

HARRY: S’aright. I have to practice my teenage rage for the next two movies anyway.

Lupin Teaches Harry Extremely Advanced Magic He Couldn’t Possibly Learn at This Age

LUPIN: So. The better the memory, the better the Patronus. Go

DEMENTOR-IN-A-BOX: RAAAAAA

HARRY: *falls over*

LUPIN: No dice, Frodo. Think of something better.
HARRY: Well… I have this memory… actually it wasn’t a very happy memory, and really it wasn’t even a memory, it was just something I saw in a magic mirror, but…

LUPIN: Go

HARRY: *produces a giant shield of light*

LUPIN: Wow You held off a fake Dementor with a fake memory Let's just assume that'll work with a real one

Somewhere on the School Grounds

RON: YOUR CAT ATE MY RAT AND I HATE YOU

HERMIONE: MY CAT DID NOT EAT YOUR RAT AND I HATE YOU

HARRY: Y’all, get a room or something. Hagrid What’s wrong?

HAGRID (sniffling): Buckbeak was SET UP and Draco is a LIAR and his father is a BAD BAD MAN and now Buckbeak is going to DIE

THE KIDS: Oh no
HP FANS: WAHHHHH

HARRY: Dude, nothing’s even happened to Buckbeak yet—what’s wrong with you guys?

HP FANS: You keep talking about Luscious Lucius Malfoy and then we don’t even get to see him

HARRY: …

Gryffindor Boys’ Dormitory

RON in his sleep: Spiders…spiders Spiders want me to tap-dance and I don’t wanna tap-dance, Harry

HARRY looking up from map: You tell those spiders, Ron.

NOTHING: *is funnier than that line*

HARRY looking back at map: “Peter Pettigrew,” WTF?
RON in background: Spiders… noooo… spiders… the centaurs have my money, please don’t make me tap-dance….

Somewhere in the Hall Outside the Dormitory

PETTIGREW: *comes closer on the map*

HARRY: *sees no one*

PETTIGREW: *comes closer on the map*

HARRY: *sees no one*

PETTIGREW: *comes closer on the map*

HARRY: *sees no one*

PETTIGREW: *OMGSOCLOSE*

HARRY: NO ONE IS HERE

SNAPE: POTTER

HARRY: AHHHH

SNAPE: Hand it over. REVEALUS SECRETUS

THE MAP: Messrs. Moony, Padfoot, Wormtail and Prongs kindly ask you to kiss this map’s ass.
SNAPE: FIVE MILLION POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR

LUPIN: Hi, I’ll take that. Take your greasiness back to bed plzkthnx.

SNAPE: *sour face*

SOUR FACE: *looks like this: (X^( *

Moony’s Lupin’s Office

LUPIN: OH MY GOD TRAIPSING AROUND A DARK CASTLE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT WITH A MAP THAT SHOWS ANYONE INCLUDING THE GUY WHO WANTS TO KILL YOU HOW TO FIND ANYONE INCLUDING YOU ARE YOU STUPID?

HARRY: *hangs head*

LUPIN: Oh, what the hell. Have some chocolate.

Divination Class

TRELAWNEY: Ooooo, ahhhhhh, I see lots of skepticism in your future, Miss Granger. Also, a book will be your date to the prom.

HERMIONE: FUCK YOUR COSMIC SHIT
HARRY AND RON: *back away slowly*

CRYSTAL BALL: *also backs away slowly*

HARRY: Oh, hell, I’d better go take the crystal ball back to Professor Trelawney.

CRYSTAL BALL: Haaaaarry… Haaaaaarry…

HARRY: AHHH Get out of my school supplies, Crazy Gary Oldman
TRELAWNEY: TONIGHT THE DARK LORD’S SERVANT WILL RETURN TO HIS MASTER AND DEATH WILL STALK US ALL

HARRY: AHHHHHHHHHHH

TRELAWNEY: What? I said “Thanks for bringing back my crystal ball.”

HARRY: *runs for his life*

Rocks of Gigantitude

Draco Malfoy and his two goons congratulate themselves on getting Buckbeak sent to the big pumpkin patch in the sky.

HERMIONE: I KEEL YOU

DRACO: *cries*

RON AND HARRY: He’s not worth it, Hermione

DRACO: HA H—

HERMIONE: *punches Draco*

DRACO’S HEAD: *bounces off the rock with a beautiful THUNK*

CLEO AND THE LOVELY EMILY: YAY

RON: I think I love you.

Hagrid’s Hut of Gigantitude

HAGRID sniffling: I can’t believe they’re gonna execute Buckbeak for laying the smackdown on Malfoy Come on We’ve all wanted to do that
THE KIDS: Aww, it’s terrible, poor Buckbeak, really, it’ll be all right, etc.

HAGRID: Oh, by the way, Ron, I found your plot point. Looks like Hermione’s cat didn’t eat him after all.

A STONE: CRASH

ANOTHER STONE: THUNK

HARRY: Ow What the hell was that?

HERMIONE: Dumbledore and Fudge and the executioner guy are coming Run

Hagrid’s Pumpkin Patch of Gigantitude

RON: Isn’t there anything we can do?

HARRY: Doesn’t look like it.

SOMETHING: *rustles in the bushes behind them*

HERMIONE: What was that?

HARRY: Nothing, just a plot point. Come on, we’ve got to get out of here

Hilltop of Hippogriff Sorrow

EXECUTIONER: *chops something off-screen*PEOPLE WHO DON’T READ THE BOOKS: OMGWTFHORSYBIRD

THE KIDS: *hug threesomely*

ALFONSO CUARÓN: I think I directed a porno like this once.

SCABBERS: RON I BITE YOUR THUMB AT YOU

RON: AHHHHHH COME BACK, SCABBERS

The Whomping Willow

RON: Scabbers There you are What are you running away fr…

HARRY: AHHH BIG BLACK DOG

RON: Oh, shit.

HARRY: AHHH WHOMPING WILLOW

HERMIONE: Hey, didn’t it used to be on a totally different part of the grounds?

BIG BLACK DOG: *drags Ron and Scabbers into a hole under the tree*

RON: Ohhhhhhh shiiiiiiiii…..

Ten minutes later, after the Whomping Willow is done flinging Harry and Hermione around, they find a tunnel under the tree to...

The Shrieking Shack

RON: Help Help

HARRY: We’re coming, Ron

RON: Don’t help Don’t help It’s a trap
HARRY: *eye roll*

BIG BLACK DOG: *turns into Sirius Black*

HERMIONE: If you want to kill Harry, you’ll have to kill us first

HP FANS: OMGWTF THAT WAS RON’S LINE YOU CHANGED THINGS FROM THE BOOK

LOTR FANS: What are you, new?

SIRIUS: Only one person will die tonight, but I will be vague about it so that you’ll think I mean Harry

HARRY: BRING IT ON

Harry jumps Sirius and gets his chokehold on.

LUPIN rushing in: Harry, no EXPELLIARMUS

THE KIDS: Lupin

SIRIUS: Remus

LUPIN: Sirius

SIRIUS: Hug

HERMIONE: Werewolf
RON AND HARRY: What?

SNAPE: BLACK

THE KIDS: Snape

SNAPE: EXPELLIARMUS
LUPIN: Noooo

SIRIUS: Pettigrew

THE KIDS: What?

SIRIUS: Map

LUPIN: Dead

SIRIUS: No

LUPIN: Yes

SIRIUS: No

LUPIN: Yes

SIRIUS: No

LUPIN: Yes

SNAPE: Christ, you two bicker like an old married couple.

SIRIUS/LUPIN SHIPPERS: YAY

SNAPE: ANYWAY. Dementors’ Kiss for you, Black, and I’ll have no more of this monosy—

HARRY with Hermione’s wand: EXPELLIARMUS

EXPELLIARMUS: *for some reason does not just disarm Snape but throws him through the wall of the Shack*

RON: Oh, we are so fucked now.

HERMIONE: Professor Lupin You were Harry’s friend, so I didn’t tell on you for the werewolf stuff, and now you’re going to turn Harry over to Black

HARRY: Dude, you could have told ME
SIRIUS: I don’t want to kill you, Harry I want to kill your friend’s rat

RON: WHY ARE WE SUDDENLY ON OPPOSITE PLANET?

Another Trip to the Department of Back Story

SIRIUS: No, no Harry’s father and Remus and Peter and I were all best friends, except that Peter was kind of a wuss and so he went over to Voldemort and I had told Peter where the Potters were hiding because I must have gone stupid all of a sudden, and I found out Peter had gone bad and he cut off his finger to make it look like I blew him up and then he blew everyone else up and left me to take the rap after Voldemort killed the Potters and he’s been living as the Weasley family rat ever since See, it all makes sense

THE KIDS: …

SIRIUS: Gimme your rat

RON: No

SIRIUS: Gimme your rat
RON: No

SIRIUS: Gimme your rat

RON: No

SIRIUS AND LUPIN: *turn Scabbers back into Peter Pettigrew*

RON: Oh. My. GOD.

PETTIGREW: Ron Help me I was a good rat, wasn’t I? Remember all the good times we had?

SIRIUS: I think I saw a porno like that once.

RON: Y’all are SICK, man.

PETTIGREW: *grovels*
HARRY: You know what? Let’s not kill him.

SIRIUS: What?

HARRY: Let’s give him to the Dementors and let them suck his soul out through his nose.

SIRIUS: That’s my boy

Outside the Whomping Willow

SIRIUS: I know I’m kinda scruffy and scary and all but, you know, I am your godfather and if you ever wanted to come live with me instead of your asshole relatives…

HARRY: Come. And live. With you?

SIRIUS: I know, I know… forget I said anything.

HARRY: The word I am trying to think of here is OH GOD YES PLEASE NOW.

A FULL MOON: *rises*

HERMIONE: Oh, shit.

SIRIUS: Remus This is not you This is not your heart I’LL MAKE OUT WITH YOU IF I HAVE TO

LUPIN: *turns into Lupinwolf*

SIRIUS: Awwww, shit, Remus… *turns into Siriusdog*

PETTIGREW: *turns back into Scabbers and scampers for the hills*
SNAPE: *emerges to protect the kids, conveniently without ever having seen Pettigrew*

LUPINWOLF: I KEEL YOU, SIRIUSDOG

SIRIUSDOG: *whimpers*

LUPINWOLF: I KEEL YOU TOO, HARRY POTTER

HARRY: AHHHH

FEMALE WEREWOLF: AROOOOOOOO

EVERYBODY: WTF?

HARRY: *runs after wounded Siriusdog into the woods*

Somewhere in the Hogwarts Woods

Harry must conjure a Patronus before the Dementors suck off Siriusdog’s face.

HARRY: EXPECTO PATRONUM

PATRONUS: …

HARRY: EXPECTO PATRONUM

PATRONUS: …

HARRY: EXPECTO PATRONUM

PATRONUS: …

HARRY: *cries*

DEMENTORS: *dement*

PATRONUS: *finally gets off his ass and prances stagfully*

HARRY: Dad

THE AUDIENCE: What? Where?
DEMENTORS: Run away We are powerless against Bambi’s dad

HARRY: *falls over*

The Infirmary

HARRY: You can’t let them take Sirius back to have his face sucked off He didn’t kill my parents, Peter Pettigrew did

DUMBLEDORE: …

HARRY: And then he turned into a rat and lived with Ron’s family for twelve years and turned back into Peter and then turned back into a rat and conveniently ran away so that no one can prove or disprove our story

DUMBLEDORE: …

HERMIONE: You’ve got to believe us

DUMBLEDORE leaving: Three turns, Miss Granger.

HARRY: Eh?

HERMIONE: He means the Time-Turner I’ve been wearing all year to turn back time and take extra classes.

RON from hospital bed: I KNEW IT

HERMIONE: *pulls out a tiny hourglass on a five-foot chain conveniently long enough to go around two people*
HARRY: Does it have a flux capacitor?

HERMIONE: Shut up and let me chain you.

HARRY/HERMIONE SHIPPERS: YAY

HARRY AND HERMIONE: *disappear*

THE REALLY CONFUSING PART OF THE MOVIE: *begins*

Rocks of Gigantitude

HERMIONE: *punches Draco*

DRACO’S HEAD: *bounces off the rock with a beautiful THUNK*

CLEO AND THE LOVELY EMILY: YAY

CLEO AND THE LOVELY EMILY: YAY

RON: I think I love you.

HERMIONE: Dude, I think I love me too right now.

Hagrid’s Hut of Gigantitude

HAGRID: Oh, by the way, Ron, I found your plot point. Looks like Hermione’s cat didn’t eat him after all.

HARRY: Why are we not leaving? LEAVE, DAMN US

HERMIONE: *throws stones*

A STONE: CRASH

ANOTHER STONE: THUNK

HARRY: Ow What the hell was that?

HARRY: OW THAT WAS MY SKULL, HOR

HERMIONE: Come on, Buckbeak Tasty ferrets Yes Into the woods Hurry, before we find ourselves

Hagrid’s Pumpkin Patch of Gigantitude

RON: Isn’t there anything we can do?

HARRY: Doesn’t look like it.

HERMIONE: Wow, my hair is a lot less frizzy in this movie.

HERMIONE: What was that?

HERMIONE: Duck

HARRY: Nothing, just a plot point. Come on, we’ve got to get out of here

HARRY: Come on, we've got to get Buckbeak out of here

Outside Hut of Gigantitude:

FUDGE: OMGWTF

DUMBLEDORE: Oh, Dead Hippogriff Walking’s gone, what a pity. Hagrid, break out the brandy plzkthnx.

HALF THE AUDIENCE: OMG ALCOHOL IN A CHILDREN’S MOVIE

DUMBLEDORE: It’s the parents who need booze the most. Am I right?
PARENTS IN THE THEATER: Damn straight, you tell ’em Albus, testify , snap snap snap, etc.

EXECUTIONER: *chops a pumpkin off-screen*

The Whomping Willow

LUPIN: *stops the tree, goes down into the tunnel*

SNAPE: *follows Lupin*

HERMIONE: Well, now I guess we wait.

HARRY: It was my dad, out there in the woods My dad came and saved me

HERMIONE: Your dad’s… dead, Harry.

HARRY: Shut up, hor.

A FULL MOON: *comes out*

HERMIONE: Oh, shit.

SIRIUS: Remus This is not you This is not your heart I’LL MAKE OUT WITH YOU IF I HAVE TO

HERMIONE: You know, I think that counts as a marriage ceremony in Massachusetts now.

LUPINWOLF: I KEEL YOU, SIRIUSDOG

SIRIUSDOG: *whimpers*

LUPINWOLF: I KEEL YOU TOO, HARRY POTTER

HARRY: AHHHH

HERMIONE: AROOOOOOOO

HARRY: Oh, wow, so that was you?

HERMIONE: Apparently.

LUPINWOLF: *comes for Non-Italicized Harry and Hermione*

HERMIONE: Didn’t think this through Didn’t think this through

Somewhere in the Hogwarts Woods

HARRY AND HERMIONE: *run like hell*
LUPINWOLF: *almost eats them*

BUCKBEAK: *delivers a four-hoof beatdown*

HARRY grimacing: Yow, right in the chocolate.

Somewhere Else in the Hogwarts Woods

HARRY: EXPECTO PATRONUM

PATRONUS: …

HARRY: All right, here comes my dad.

HERMIONE: Uh, Harry...?

HARRY: EXPECTO PATRONUM
PATRONUS: …
HARRY: Any minute now...

HERMIONE: Uh... Harry?

HARRY: EXPECTO PATRONUM

PATRONUS: …

HARRY: *cries*

HERMIONE: Uh, Harry? I'm pretty sure you and Sirius are about to die here.

HARRY: Oh, goddammit--EXPECTO PATRONUM

PATRONUS: *prances stagfully*

HARRY: Dad

DEMENTORS: Run away We are powerless against Bambi’s dad

HARRY: OH MY GOD I'M MY OWN FATHER.

HERMIONE: I think I saw a porno like that once.

Some Astronomy Tower

Harry and Hermione take Buckbeak to go rescue Sirius from the tower, and decide that they apparently have time for a ride around Hogwarts rather than sending him straight off to escape.

HARRY: WOOOOO

HERMIONE: WOOOOO

SIRIUS: WOOOOO

BUCKBEAK: HWUUUU

Sirius Tells Harry Goodbye

SIRIUS: You look so much like your father…

HARRY: Yeah, yeah, might as well be looking at his reanimated corpse right now, I got it.

The Infirmary

HARRY: Hurry The clock's about to strike

HERMIONE: You’ve got to believe us
DUMBLEDORE leaving: Three turns, Miss Granger.

HERMIONE: We can't go in yet We're still in there

HARRY: Does it have a flux capacitor?

DUMBLEDORE: *walks out into the hall*

HERMIONE: Professor Dumbledore We did what you told us to do

DUMBLEDORE winking: I have no idea what you're talking about.
HARRY: Wait… so you’re not going to hang around in the infirmary and explain the whole movie to us?

DUMBLEDORE: Night
HARRY: Wow, New Dumbledore really is groovy.

HARRY AND HERMIONE: *disappear*

HARRY AND HERMIONE: *run back into the infirmary*

RON: You were—but the—adda—wibba—

HARRY AND HERMIONE grinning: We have no idea what you're talking about.

RON: *cries*

Lupin’s Office of Woeful Packing

HARRY: Well, basically we’re right back where we started, which sucks.

LUPIN: Except for the part where you saved the lives of an innocent convict and an innocent Malfoy-mashing hippogriff.

HARRY: Yeah, but I still have no broom, no teacher, no godfather, and no parents.

LUPIN: Here, have some chocolate.

Great Hall, The Next Day

HARRY: OMG A FIREBOLT THIS BROOM IS SO AWESOME IT ALMOST MAKES UP FOR HAVING NO TEACHER, NO GODFATHER, AND NO PARENTS

HERMIONE: Look what was attached to the broom, Harry

HARRY: Oh, wow A feather from that hippogriff, whose escape we know NOTHING ABOUT.

HERMIONE: Yes And according to my book here, a hippogriff feather means “Greetings from an escaped convict”

HARRY: Yay

RON: And I hear they're actually going to let us play Quidditch in the next movie, too

HARRY: WOOT

PEOPLE WHO READ GOBLET OF FIRE: *facepalm*

Harry zooms off on his new broom with the movie ending on a close-up of his artfully blurred face, perhaps to suggest in the language of cinematic metaphor that this time he is rendered blurry with happiness.

Or that the camera guy can't hold the lens still. Something.

FIN.

That is all for now. It's long, yeah, and I love it. so there.