Usagi-san loves ME Poll: Saulibert or Adommy? Vote Now! |
 Hello, friends! Even if I don't know you, or don't like you, I'm gonna call you friend. So, I'm a HUGE Glambert. Let's establish that right away. There. Done. "Everywhere we go we're looking for the sun Nowhere to grow old we're always on the run They say we'll rot in hell Well I don't think we will They've branded us enough Outlaws of love" -Adam Lambert "Have faith in all that you make." -Dahvie Vanty "Sometimes the hardest thing to wear is our own skin." -Jayy Von Monroe "One love, one heart." -Dahvie Vanity ONLY IN AMERICA 1. Only in America ...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. 2. Only in America ...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink. 3. Only in America ...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. 4. Only in America ...do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke. 5. Only in America ...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. 6. Only in America ...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. 7. Only in America ...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place. 8. Only in America ...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. 9. Only in America ...do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'. 10. Only in America ...do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering. I'm SKINNY, so I MUST be anorexic. I'm GAY, so I MUST have AIDS. I'm DEMOCRAT, so I MUST not believe in being responsible. I'm a PUNK, so I MUST do drugs. I'm PRETTY, so I MUST not be a virgin. I'm RUSSIAN, so I MUST be cool and that's how Russians roll. I'm STRAIGHT EDGE so I must be violent. I'm MUSLIM so I MUST be a terrorist. I'm YOUNG, so I MUST be naive. I wear tight PANTS and I'm a guy, so I MUST be emo. I read Comics, so I MUST be a loser. I'm WELSH so I MUST love sheep I'm ENGLISH, so I MUST speak with either a cockney or a posh accent, love tea and cricket, and have bad teeth. I'm a LESBIAN so I MUST want to get with every single girl that I see. I like GAMES, ANIME and COMICS, so I MUST be childish I an friends with a CUTTER, so I MUST be a CUTTER too. FRIENDS: Will wait for you after detention BEST FRIENDS: Are the reason your in detention FRIENDS: Will comfort you when he rejects you. BEST FRIENDS: Will go up and ask him, "It's because you're gay, isn't it?" FRIENDS: Will be there for you when he breaks up with you. BEST FRIENDS: Will call him up and whisper, "Seven days..." FRIENDS: Helps you find your prince. BEST FRIENDS: Kidnaps him and brings him to you. FRIENDS: Will ask you if you're okay when you're crying. BEST FRIENDS: Will cry with you and then go beat up the sorry loser who made you cry FRIENDS: Will offer you a soda. BEST FRIENDS: Will dump theirs on you. FRIENDS: Will sit at the side of the pool with you at that time of the month. BEST FRIENDS: Will throw you a tampon and push you in. FRIENDS: Gives you their umbrella in the rain. BEST FRIENDS: Takes yours and says, "Run - beep - run!" FRIENDS: Will help you move. BEST FRIENDS: Will help you move the bodies. FRIENDS: Will bail you out of jail. BEST FRIENDS: Will be in the room next to you saying, "THAT. WAS. AWESOME ... LETS DO IT AGAIN!!..." FRIENDS: Never ask for anything to eat or drink. BEST FRIENDS: Helps themselves and are the reason why you have no food. FRIENDS: Call your parents by Mr. and Mrs. and Grandpa, by Grandpa. BEST FRIENDS: Call your parents DAD and MOM and Grandpa, GRAMPS! FRIENDS: Would bail you out of jail. BEST FRIENDS: Would be sitting next to you saying "DAMN! We messed up!" FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry. BEST FRIENDS: Won't tell anyone else you cried...just laugh about it with you in private when you're not down anymore. FRIENDS: Asks you to write down your number. BEST FRIENDS: Has you on speed dial. FRIENDS: Borrows your stuff for a few days then gives it back. BEST FRIENDS: Loses your stuff and tells you, "My bad...here's a tissue." FRIENDS: Only know a few things about you. BEST FRIENDS: Could write a very embarrassing biography on your life story... FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing. BEST FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowd's ass that left you FRIENDS: Would knock on your front door. BEST FRIENDS: Walk right in and say "I'M HOME." FRIENDS: You have to tell them not to tell anyone. BEST FRIENDS: Already know not to tell. FRIENDS: Help you up when you fall. BEST FRIENDS: Continue walking and say "Walk much dumb ass?" FRIENDS: Are only through high school/college. (aka: drinking buddies) BEST FRIENDS: Are for life. FRIENDS: Will be there to take your drink away from you when they think you've had enough. BEST FRIENDS: Will look at you stumbling all over the place and say "Girl drink the rest of that! You know we don't waste! FRIENDS: At your funeral would be crying BEST FRIENDS: Will be at you grave years later saying "Sorry I was in jail for killing the jerk who murdered you" People are like slinkies; basically useless, but ever so amusing to watch fall down the stairs. If you can't convince them, confuse them. An apple a day keeps the doctor away, if well aimed. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't for you. What happens if you get scared half to death... twice? Never do anything that you wouldn't want to explain to the paramedics. The dinosaurs extinction wasn't an accident. Barney came and they all committed suicide. I run with scissors, it makes me feel dangerous. I had amnesia once--or twice. You know what? I don't really even remember. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film. They say "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." Well, I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people. Life isn't passing me by, it's trying to run me over. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is my ceiling? When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. Sometimes I wonder, "Why is the frisbee getting bigger?" Then I get hit in the face. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales? If you don't like my driving then stay off the sidewalk! Don’t mess with me. I've got a stick. If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep - not screaming, like the passengers in his car. I smile because I have no idea what's going on! One day, we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject. Don't knock on death's door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that. Whoever said nothing was impossible never tried slamming a revolving door... Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up. Of course I'm out of my mind! It's dark and scary in there! I'm not afraid of death! What's it going to do? Kill me? When someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown about it but it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and punch them! I dream of a better world where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned. I used up all my sick days...so I called in dead. Stressed is Desserts backwards :) Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most. You're laughing now because you're older than me by mere months, but when you 30 and I'm still 29, who will be laughing then? I don't suffer from insanity... I enjoy every minute of it. There's a light at the end of every tunnel...lets just hope it's not a train. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? I am in shape...round is a shape. I don't swim in your toilet, so don't pee in my pool. You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, and I laugh even harder. Boys are like trees – they take fifty years to grow up. Flying is not inherently dangerous- crashing is. Forecast for tonight: darkness. Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall through a sewer hole and die. Love your enemies. It gets them really confused. If aliens are looking for intelligent life, why the heck are you scared?! I called your boyfriend gay and he hit me with his purse. Some say the glass is half full, others the glass is half empty, all I want to know is who's drank my water! STUPID PRODUCT LABELS: Repost if you thought this was hilarious This is a true story. A girl died in 1933. A man buried her in the ground when she was still alive. The murderer chanted,"Toma sota balcu" as he buried her. Now that you have read the chant, you will meet this little girl. In the middle of the night she will be on your ceiling. She will suffocate you like she was suffocated. If you post this in your profile, she will not bother you. Your kindness will be rewarded. {Don't hate me, I just wanna creep you out. ;) } 16 THINGS TO DO AT WAL-MART 1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking. 2. Set all the alarm clocks in Electronics to go off at 5-minute intervals. 3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms. 4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, " 'Code 3' in housewares"... and see what happens. 5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away. 6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department. 8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?" 9. Look right into the security camera & use it as a mirror, and pick your nose. 10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti - depressants are. 11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme song. 12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels. 13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!" 14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream.. "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!" 15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while and then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here! 16. Get several bouncy balls and throw them down an aisle shouting "pickachu, i choose you!" 15 WAYS TO DRIVE PEOPLE INSANE: 1) At lunchtime, sit in your parked car w/sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down. 2) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice. 3) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso. 4) In the memo field of all your checks, write "FOR SEXUAL FAVORS." 5) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy." 6) dont use any punctuation 7) As often as possible, skip rather than walk. 8) Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer. 9) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go". 10) Sing along at the opera. 11) Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day. 12) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood. 13) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won! I Won! 3rd time this week!" 14) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling, "Run for your lives, they're loose!" 15) Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go." Oh and the way, I has a girlfriend. Her pen name's maxxieride13. -Lauren |
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