"Sometimes I pretend to myself I have insomnia, when all I really have is a good book and an inadequate respect for tomorrow." - Story of my life

On the tune of "Modern Major General" from "The Pirates of Penzance"

"I AM the very MOdel of a MOdern major GEN-er-al" is what's known as a 'patter song': it is sung very fast. People were so impressed with the hard work the Hat obviously put in to singing it right that they asked for an encore. Plus they didn't follow a word the first time round.

When Hogwarts' founders Snuffed It at the start of the millennium,
Their rivalries and foibles didn't cross the Lethe's banks with them;
For Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw and Slytherin and Gryffindor
Bequeathed me their authority to pick the House you're suited for.

Let other schools set entry tests and quiz your personality,
A Sorting Hat gets access to your innermost reality.
Your aptitudes and certitudes and psychoanalytical
Complexities will indicate which path will prove so critical.

Now Gryffindors are fêted for persistent feats of bravery,
And Righting every Wrong from Third-World Debt to House-elf Slavery.
They'll throw you in the thick of fine adventures that should not missed
If you can stick their heartiness and aren't too individualist.

The Hufflepuffs are loyal, fair, hardworking and meticulous,
Which makes up for the fact that Helga's surname was ridiculous.
You'd never cheat or take short cuts for laziness is criminal,
An excellent philosophy when praise you win is minimal.

The wise Rowena Ravenclaw creamed off the intellectual,
The scholarly, the witty and profoundly ineffectual,
Whose credo "Cogitamus ergo sumus" makes the best hot air -
And if you didn't get all that, don't panic, I won't put you there.

The virtues of the Serpent's house are swathed in deepest mystery,
But only slaves to simpleness would shun its chequered history,
With drive that sends you far in life and calculating brilliance-
A Slytherin, for good or ill, will make the greatest diff-er-ence.

But now my tender audience I'm sure that you have heard enough
Of Slytherin and Ravenclaw and Gryffindor and Hufflepuff,
My job's to get you Sorted and I'll brook no bribes or threats or tears,
Just put me on and trust me – I've been doing this a thousand years.

All credit goes to textualsphynx, who came up with this delightful bit of poetry

I am not a native speaker. I like to think that my english is passible, but if it is not; don't be afraid to correct me. I have a few pet peeves in stories I read, so I try to avoid those.

for example:

- Female heroines with excessively detailed descriptions, how tall they are, how much they weigh, what size their bra is, is what kind of shoes they wear (and stiletto's in Hogwarts is just ridiculous). It only makes your heroine look mary sueish and annoys readers outside of Brittain/USA, while they figure out if 5'10 means she is short or what.

- The use of 'resemble' instead of 'resent'. Mostly used in semi-funny marauder situation's. It always goes like this: Someone makes a crack at (mostly Sirius') animagus form. Sirius answers "I resemble that." 'to resent' is 'to feel or show displeasure or indignation at (a person, situation, remark etc) from a sense of injury or insult.' 'To resemble' means 'to exhibit similarity or likeness to something'. So Sirius animagus form resembles a grim, but he resents the implication that he is a harbinger of death.

- vulgarity just for the sake of vulgarity. I have nothing against an occasional "Bloody hell", although in canon they all swear by Merlin or the founders (Merlin's toes, sweet Nimue, etc), but some authors go overboard. "lets go to freaking potion's with freaking Snape"

- overpowered/super Harry, I don't mind if he has a power if it is essential for the plot and I do realize that if Harry wasn't so distracted by his extracurricular adventures, he would probably be able to do better. (If he made the effort). But not just because it sounds cool. Same with heirships, why would you have harry as a Heir to Merlin? oh, and trunks with a 'time compression ward' is just cheating and really boring to read.

- Really long names... the only one who had a long name in canon is Dumbledore

- time tables

- the word "darling" no explanation needed, me thinks

- animagi names for Harry and his friends, especially if there are OC's in your story. It just confuses the hell out of me.

I don't own Harry Potter or any other fandoms I might write in.

I AM LOOKING FOR A STORY, CAN'T FIND IT ANYWHERE!

Sirius turns back from Padfoot one time and gets raped by Moony. The willow-dare is somehow involved and Sirius and the rest are arguing. Sirius tries to pretend it hasn't happened. Lily is Sirius friend. WHO KNOWS THIS STORY?