YOU LAUGH BECAUSE I'M DIFFERENT I LAUGH BECAUSE YOUR UGLY !

Common Sense

An educated son and his uneducated father decide to go camping. After setting up camp, it turns dark and they go to sleep. Several hours later, the father wakes up his son and asks him, "Look up to the skies, boy, and tell me what you see." The boy responds, "I see millions of stars. They're beautiful." The father asks, "Now what does that tell you?" His son says, "That there are billions of stars and planets in the universe." The father slaps his son hard and says, "No, you idiot! It means someone stole our tent!"

Laughing & Crying

A wise man in a crowd cracks a hilarious joke. Everyone laughs like crazy. After a moment, he tells it again. Less people laugh. He keeps on doing so until nobody laughs. He then smiled and said, "You can't laugh at the same joke again and again, so why do you cry over the same thing over and over again?"

I'm an angel, honest! The horns are just there to keep the halo straight.

Heaven doesn't want me and Hell is afraid I'll take over.

The butterflies are plotting SOMETHING...

Never do anything that you wouldn't want to explain to the paramedics.

I run with scissors, it makes me feel dangerous.

If you don't like my driving then stay off the sidewalk!

Of course I'm out of my mind! It's dark and scary in there!

You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, and I laugh even harder.

Boys are like trees – they take fifty years to grow up.

"Let's eat Grandma!" or "Let's eat, Grandma!" Punctuation saves lives.

"When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather -- not screaming like the passengers in his car."

“You laugh because I'm different. I laugh because you're all the same.”

"NORMAL- in terms of mental health, it varies from state to state."

"No I won’t go to hell! I’ve got a restraining order."

"If everything is going wrong and you’re laughing then you already know who to blame."

"NORMAL- in terms of mental health, it varies from state to state."

"Don’t think of it as being outnumbered, I think of it as a wide target selection."

"Hell was full so I came back."

"Some people are only alive because it's illegal to kill them,"

"I'm very proud of myself whenever I resist the urge to kill someone,"

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

I am on a quest to the deepest, darkest corners of my room in search of what some would call "a floor"--a long and difficult task awaits me. Wish me luck, my friends, for I may not return alive.

I used up all my sick days at work so I'm calling in dead.

If Wal-Mart is lowering their prices every day, how come the store isn't free yet?

Don't think of yourself as an ugly person. Think of yourself as a beautiful monkey.

Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make ye mad.

All things considered, insanity may be the only reasonable alternative.

The Truth is out there. So what are you doing in here?

Whatever you are, be a good one.

Have the courage to live. Anyone can die.

Cynics are made, not born.

What do we want? PROCRASTINATION! When do we want it? . . . . Next week.

What do you mean, my birth certificate expired?

My mind works like lightning . . . . One brilliant flash and it's gone.

If you find any poisonous plants in your tea, just to let you know, it wasn't me.

Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If Tylenol, Duct Tape, & a Band Aid can't fix it, you have a serious problem.

The 50-50-90 rule: any time you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90 probability you'll get it wrong.

Chaos, panic, pandemonium. My work here is done.

If you don't like me, there is nothing I can do. Newsflash, Honey, I don't live to please you.

Don't knock on death's door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that.

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

One day your prince will come. Mine? Oh, he took a wrong turn, got lost, and was too stubborn to ask for directions.

THINGS YOU NEVER WANT TO HEAR WHILE UNDERGOING SURGERY:

1. "Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy."

2. "Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop."

3. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"

4. "Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!"

5. "Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?"

6. "Hand me that...uh...that uh...thingy."

7. "Oh no! I just lost my Rolex."

8. "Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?"

9. "Damn, there go the lights again..."

10. "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of them."

11. "What do you mean you want a divorce?"

12. "Ooooops!"

YOU KNOW YOU'RE AN AUTHOR IF...

You talk to yourself a lot.

You talk to yourself about talking to yourself.

When you talk to yourself you often talk to yourself like you're talking to someone else.

After uttering a profound piece of wisdom like that above, you stare at the cookie in your hand with awe and say, "Wow, this stuff is great for sugar highs..."

You live off of sugar and caffeine

People think you're insane.

You'll check your e-mail every day of the week one week, and then disappear off the face of the earth the next.

You're e-mails tend to be pages long and incredibly random.

When replying to an e-mail, you'll never actually address the point of it.

No matter where you are in a room you never have to get up to find a pen/pencil and paper.

The letters on your keyboard are wearing off.

Your friends and family think that you have carpal tunnel syndrome.

People think you have A.D.D.

You think it'd be cool to have A.D.D.

You constantly start talking in third person, present or past tense.

You start thinking about making lists like this and start laughing for no "apparent" reason

Your friends stopped looking at you funny for no apparent reason a loooooong time ago.

And FINALLY, the one way to tell if you're a good writer: You failed English 101.