6 feet and 5 inches of moonshine and neurosis.

"I may be on meth but I'm still not that stupid."

"It tasted exactly like ass but I'm really craving another one."

"TRY GET ME NOW YOU FOUR-LEGGED FUCK!"

"Don't be alarmed but I think I just tore my ballsack open."

"You haven't experienced self-disgust until you've woken up in a public bathroom at three in the morning, with a two hour gap in your memory."

"So that was the first and last time I intentionally vomited on someone and, boy-oh-boy, it was an experience."

"You say that, but the seventy kilo dog that just chased us up this radio tower is instilling me with a little bit of doubt."

"He started smoking a cigarette that he lit with the oxyacetalene torch in Manual Arts class. If that's not the definition of a pissed off Sagitarius, then I don't know what is."

"So, these Capitol guys want to stop people from rebelling, and the plan on doing this by creating a state wherein everybody is on edge and prepared to fight to the death? The phase 'fucking dumb' gets thrown around a lot, mostly by me, but that is fucking dumb."

"Why are you crying disgusting, progerian, pygmy child?"

"I'm talking full-on homogeddon, fabulously built from cotton candy, manjobs and the crushed dreams of Jesus."

"You mean to tell me that in a district full of angry, oppressed, miserable people, you can't find one person harbouring an urge to kill? Nope, let's just drag out the guy who decorates cakes."

"He screamed out 'MORTAAAL KOMBAAAAAT!' and threw a desk."

"Drinking beer is kind of like Stockholm Syndrome, you just need to spend a lot of time with it and eventually you won't be able to live without it in your life."

"I could never hire a normal maid, let alone a live-in one. The main problem would be all of the goddamned questions she would ask: Why is there a combat knife taped to the roof of the shower? Why are there mesh bags full of spent bullet casings in the dish washer? Why is there a handcuff key in the drier's lint trap? Plus, I have a hard enough time talking to girls before you factor in all these questions to which there are no sane-sounding answers."

"He has abnormally weighty balls for such a skinny guy."

"I met this girl and her friends in town the other day and they invited me to get drunk and smoke some weed with them. I told them I had already promised to go to another party. I really just wanted to go home and set up my new modem so I could get faster internet."

"All this arguing is making me anxious, can I please go back to my child soldiers now?"

"That's not sexy! That's a fucking pro-wrestling move!"

"One time the deputy principal threatened me with suspension because I kept refering to my training assessor as my 'sugar daddy'."

"I don't think many birds actually know what a hammer is."

"We should start our own UFC tournament, except the twist is that all of the fighters are kangaroos."

"No, I'm not dead, but I DID just from my vacation at the wondrous sex gulags of Uzbekistan. I highly recommend the 7 day package."

"Did you see the Red Wedding episode? Yeah, now you know why I was smoking all those bucket bongs back when I was reading the books."

"Either he gets pounded in the ass or you get the fuck outta my face."

"Alright, you want to know what my life is like? Have you ever had a wank to a really hardcore porno? No, I mean REALLY hardcore, like slapping and bondage and shit. Then you hit your climax and you're just sitting there in a small puddle of your own jizz while the actors still grunting and screaming, and you feel this really deep, profound sense of dissapointment in yourself? That's how I feel like 90% of the time."

"So these 'career' people are the bad guys because they actually train for this shit? How evil of them to fucking think."

"I am the Goon Merchant."

"Chlymidiot."

"Someone needs to get that man a lifejacket before he drowns in the pussy."

"Nah, your voice doesn't have the right pitch for Downs Syndrome."

"Imagine trying to fuck a Jim Beam bottle."

"I'm not even a submissive, so why the fuck is my dick in my hand?"

"I kidnapped your son. He is in a cage with a rabid chimp. Pick up the gun or I will give the ape PCP. Do it, or the ape will rape."

"It's a bit early for butt stuff, isn't it?"

"I mean, it's definitely a curse but I don't know what could have triggered it. All I did was kiss him on the lips with a mouthful of cum during an orgasm in a blessed grove on the eve of a half-moon solstice. So, what I think we can all agree on is that I can hardly be held responsible for any magical fuckery here."

"I'm gonna eat your ass like a retard on bath salts."

"I keep forgetting that you have a family. No offense or anything but you just seem like the kind of person that doesn't have one, I just keep thinking they're all dead or out of the country."

"Jacking off to traps doesn't make you gay, their penises are feminine so it's alright. Seriously, just ask any lawyer."

"Things could be worse, I could be addicted to ice or something."

"It's probably a bit weird that hentai is the only form of media that has ever made me consider trying to become a professional artist, but I'm honestly far too deep down this tentacle-filled rabbit hole to care."

"He's got Diggity-Downs Syndrome."

"My car is probably totaled, I can taste blood and I'm pretty sure I've shit my pants but holy shit, this is the hardest erection I've had in months."

"Your mum smells like something died inside her, but I don't complain." *to a person with a previously forgotten about stillborn sister.

"I wouldn't touch too much if I was you, like 90% of the things of this room have been up my ass at some point."

"I get the feeling that this is going to end with you marrying some 29 year old asian woman at 17."

"We don't know what happened to him, we just found him crying on the floor of the toilet block with a beer in his hand and sobbing out Evanescence lyrics."

"Does anyone else feel like we're trapped in a really dark ABC3 show? Like, our lives are non-stop teen drama like you see on there but with drug abuse and suicide and shit."

"You seem like the kind of guy who has an incest kink and wants to fuck his own sister." *to the exact same person with a stillborn sister as before.

"Now here's a little lesson in crippling depression..."

"You greatly underestimate my primal lust for a young Joseph Stalin."

"People like to think that bottoming gays are all pussies but real talk though, lets see any of them take a triple penetration."

"Slug dicks or armpit pussies? That's the real question."

"Look, I was just trying to roll a joint and I didn't have anything for the roach, so I just happened to look over and there was a birthday card from my grandma. So, naturally I thought 'desperate times call for desparate measures' and ripped a strip off it and used that. I'd say I felt bad about it but she's a fuckin' bitch so I didn't feel bad in the slightest when I saw her at the family New Years get-together and remembered."

"The thing is I'm always tired, like, I'm ready to go to bed any second of the day and for ages I honestly didn't know why but then I was like 'oh yeah, I drink non-stop almost every moment I'm awake, fill my body with prescription painkillers at every opportunity and when I do sleep, I force myself to only get like 4 hours so I can get up and do it all over again at a reasonable hour'."

"Well, I was drunk and tired as so I thought I'd take a quick nap while I waited for my other friend to arrive. I don't remember any of this but apparently my other mate arrived and I didn't even stir so him and my other friend started playing some music and drinking. After a few minutes, I rolled over, rapped the chorus from Boyz-In-The-Hood with the song then rolled over and passed out again for another hour or two."

"It's just like the advice my granddad gave me when I first started grade 8; 'skip class, eat ass'."

"I'm still alive, despite my best efforts."

"So everything was going well, I was in his room thinking 'yass girl, gonna get you some diiiick', sexy time was about to commence but all of a sudden, his cat decided to try and claw my fuckin' clit off."

"Beds are really just intimate couches when you think about it."

"OH NO, I'VE GOT MORTEIN IN MY ASS!"

"Did you know geckos die after they have sex? Or at least the one I fucked did, anyway."

"Hey! Hey everyone! Come look at this guy! He doesn't even shave his ass!"

"Did someone just yeet in that bush?"

"Of course I've got my hazard lights on, we're a hazard to any pussy in the area."

"There's four people at this party that would brazenly grope me like that, one is behind me and there's another right next to me. It's like a sexual assault sandwich!"

"Splendor in the Grass? More like Shelving Pingers in my Ass, amirite?"

"On a completely unrelated note, what's the best tool to make an approximately five inch by one-point-five inch circular hole in a soft fleshed fruit?"

"There was a phase for a while there where my shed just turned into an opium den, we'd all chug a load of this funky, homebrew rice wine that gave you some hella vivid dreams and we'd all just pass out on fold out mattresses and on the couch and shit, it was fucking great."

"Holy shit, that burger was the most meat I've had in my face since Schoolies."

"You leave my dad's penis out of this!"

"I don't know, he's off sucking dick for a showbag or something."

"These boys drink hard and they meme harder."

"I'm a man of my word, and that word is 'failure'."

"Quit yappin', start trappin'."

"Florida about to get destroyed by some big, gay ass BeyBlade."

"That lady from Shark Tale fine as fuck - she can suck the skin off my dick, real shit."

"I always thought lobsters were a criminally undersexualised crustacean."

"Oh no! We're trapped in an episode of Cone and Away!"

"A generic tattoo for a generic thot."

"We have a place for thots like you. That place is called 'offshore detention'."

"EAT PANT."

"Why don't you just read gay, incest fanfiction like everyone else you fucking freak?"

"Help, there's a semi-naked guy eating sausage rolls in my house and he won't leave."

"There's a meme to be made here."

"WOO! BIPOLAR JUST KICKED IN YO!"

"Oh man, I'd send that to my crush if she hadn't blocked me."

"Chris Rock plays Jerry Seinfeld who plays Barry B. Benson."

"I'm pretty sure I've got a second liver where my self-esteem is supposed to be."

"CRAZY BITCH BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF A FUCKING UNICORN FOR HER OWN BROTHER, IF THAT SHIT DOESN'T INSPIRE A FEW SIBLING INCEST FANFICTIONS THEN I DON'T KNOW WHAT WILL."

"Jimi Hendrix was the mumble rap of the 70's."

“I considered, at one point, tattooing flames onto my penis so it looked like it was going fast.”

"I can't go to clubs anymore, last time I was in one I started thinking about how reality is just a simulation and everything is an illusion and had a fuckin' anxiety attack."

"Mate, replacing your personality with alcohol isn't 'adjusting'."

"If your taint isn't swampy enough that I can shoot an alligator between your ballsacks and your asshole, then I'm not interested in licking it."

"I'm a hemorrhiod muncher by name and nature."

"Want me to wax lyrical about this dick?"

"If her penis isn't feminine enough then I'm refunding that payment."

"The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is that my dog doesn't understand the concept of suicide."

"The arc of the sexual universe is long, but it eventually bends towards dolphin suicide."

"I'd milk a dugong."

"I JUST NEED A BIG TITTIED GOTH GIRLFRIEND WHO PLAYS WORLD OF WARCRAFT, IS THAT TOO MUCH FOR A MAN TO FUCKING ASK FOR?"

"I've got a non-Neutonian kink, you've got to keep hitting me to keep me hard."

"Anyway, things were going great right up until the moment I accidentally rubbed a load of horse tranquilizer straight into my eyes."

"So anyway, after we finished smoking the last of his weed we went back and ended up fucking, as per usual, but the problem was that this was the only day in history that his mum came back home early from work. Long story short, he was really giving it to me and his mother throws the door open while screaming all this Christian shit about sex outta wedlock, which ordinarly I would be pretty understanding about. But you see here, I'm DUMMY thick so you know that this jive-ass bitch heard my fuckin' cheeks clapping from way out in the driveway and she STILL fuckin' chose to kick the door open and get an eye full of my titties."

"Oh my god, you do it once with a tinder hookup and all of a sudden you're some kind of serial ass-eater." "Rashid from Dear White People is my spirit animal."