UPDATED! THE SEQUEL

I like my subs toasted, my soda with a straw, and my iPod turned up as loud as it will go.

My Story, No Embellishment Whatsoever

For as long as I can remember, I have been alive, and most of the time, I have been me. There was one incident with Sean Connery, a blender, and a mad scientist named Frederick Zelch, but that’s a tale for another day. I was born in Nothingtodoville, a quaint little town in the country of Middle of Nowhere. Many say they come from the same place, which is exceedingly odd because I never see anyone, and it’s never very crowded.

When I was ten, just a wee little tike, I was sent to a boarding school at a remote seaside fishing village in southern France. There, I was taught arithmetic, Language Arts, and basic world Geography. But by night was when the real schooling took place, for you see, it was a Piracy Academy.

In the style of Men in Black, only with eye patches instead of suits, we were a secret organization, plundering greedy merchant ships and shaking… ahem, I mean stealing our booty.

It was there I received the name Territurtle, for while I was slow, I was fierce in battle. Or something to that effect.

But that’s Captain Territurtle to you.

Anyway, we set out in the dead of one night in June, to destroy the S.S. Melanoma. If we were successful, we could retire at fifteen, all twenty-five of us (and the flamingo), and take early retirement in Tahiti. I had already pre-ordered the hammock and tiny drink umbrellas.

As it were, the S.S. Melanoma was a powerful ship owned by the pigmy Secret service. After gutting my crew members before my eyes, they presented me with an offer I couldn’t refuse.

Join them or die.

I, not ready to surrender my life, solemnly agreed. Although I was much too tall, and I kept the pigmy tailor perpetually on his toes, they eventually accepted me as one of their own and changed my name to Lily Turtle, as to better charm enemies with my feminine wiles.

Eventually, after I had lived with them for about a month, their leader died of a horrible mad octopus incident. The details are too graphic for this biography, but let’s just say it would send even Sean Connery running for the hills.

The pigmies took a vote (they’re a democracy, you know) and named me Queen. You may have heard of Queen Lily of the Pigmies.

But then again you wouldn’t. hence the secret part of secret service.

One day, they decided to wage war with Middle of Nowhere. I put my foot down of course, hesitant to attack my own homeland. And so, the pigmies mutinied. I was left on a desert island with nothing but memories and the clothes on my back. Finally, after days of surviving on nothing but coconuts and palm tree bark, a Mexican air carrier picked me up. I took with me Bibble, my little sea gull friend.

They decided to put Bibble and I under protection of the witness protection program, to guard us from the pigmies.

Ever since that fateful day, I have lived in this undisclosed, remote location. My dreams smashed. My hopes ruined. My only company, a stupid frickin bird.

Writing under a penname is the only option left to me.

…True story.

Beta: thefuturemrs.edwardcullen

Interests, if you insist: Lipton tea, Shia Lebeauf, adjectives, similes, analogies, reading, writing (shocking, right?), dogs, cats named Tibbins, smirfs, leaving absurd reviewer shout outs (see rose thorns), chocolate (of any way/shape/form), Reece cups (but I suppose that falls under the chocolate category), CHUCK NORRIS jokes (Thrushflightedward'sstalker, i am forever in your debt), my man Willy Shakespeare, thunderstorms, mountains, hiking, running, befriending (word?), boys, Edward Cullen, Scrubs the TV show, romance novels, sarcasm (I only use it for good 0:D ), any many other countless and no doubt boring things...except Kerssica, my spazz/fan-tastic Dutch reviewer and penpal. Only penpal sounds dorky. Come to think of it, so does anything with the word 'pal'. Thanks for your patience, girly.

Favorite Quotes:

Life is a comedy to those who think and a tradgedy to those who feel." - Horace Walpole

"There must be something in books, things we can't imagine, to make a woman stay in a burning house; there must be something there. You don't stay for nothing." - Ray Bradburry's Farenheit 451

"You should've gone to China, you know, 'cause I hear they give away babies like free iPods. You know, they pretty much just put them in those t-shirt guns and shoot them out at sporting events." - Juno!

Journalism is the art of filling up space.

No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible. - George Burns

Not only is life a bitch, but it is always having puppies. - Adrienne Gusoff

There is only one kind of love story. Somebody leaves, sooner or later. - Bella, the movie

Courage is not the absence of fear, but the mastery of it. - Mark Twain

Books: The Red Lobster menu in its entirety, War and Peace, East of Eden, Emma, Wuthering Heights, Farenheit 451, Tale of Two Cities, Twilight, The Gemma Doyle Trilogy, Journey to the Center of the Earth, Harry Potter, A Wrinkle in Time, 'Salem's Lot, A Certain Slant of Light, Memory Keeper's Daughter, Tithe, Suite Francaise, Survivor

Movies: The Italian Job, Definitely Maybe, Chaos Theory, The Good Shepard, A Beautiful Mind, Lars and the Real Girl, Forrest Gump, Princess Bride, Labyrinth, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind...again with the ellipses...

Why I write fanfiction? I want to write a book someday. And I really just wanted to see if I could hold a character and a plot for a while. Just an excercise to see IF I could.

Somebody asked me this question the other day. And it just got me thinking. It does seem like a silly thing to do doesn't it? Borderline insane even.

I sit here grinding over a keyboard for hours on end at times, not just fanfiction mind you. The original stuff, too.

Mostly the original stuff actually, if that says anything about the level of insomnia I have achieved.

And it's just, there are all of these people in my head, begging me to write out what they're doing.

And I can't... forget about them, because that would be nonsense. They wouldn't leave. Do you see yet what i mean when I say insanity?

Or inspiration? Maybe they're one in the same.

Honestly, I think I write not because I want to, but because I must.

Or I'm haunted.

And all I want in return is your soul.

Just a tiny piece.

I'll put it back when I'm done.

Is it really so much to ask?

Without further ado and poppycock, I present to you, my stories.

Down here.

Read them.