Awesome and Witty PenName
 Author has written 1 story for Twilight. Hello I am Awesome and Witty PenName aka Rachael! I am 17 nearly 18 years old, oh no responsibility!! I am the biggest child and thanks to my pervy friends i am also extremley dirty minded!! I love love love TWILIGHT! Especially Edward Cullen and Jasper Whitlock! Jasper definatley doesn't get enough love in the books! TV: CSI, Reaper, Heroes, Bones, Buffy, Angel, Charmed, Criminal Minds, Doctor Who, Psych, LOST and Supernatural, but to name a few Books: Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, The Host, Noble Dead Series, Circus of the Darned, Chinese Cinderella and The Named Manga and Anime: Bleach, Naruto, Deathnote, Vampire Kisses, Howl’s moving Castle, Spirited Away, Laputa Castle in the Sky, Tales of Earthsea and Immortal Rain Music: OMC you actually want to know? I mean i basically like every single genre of music out there! Ok ill put itunes on shuffle and put down the first 30 bands that pop up! Look i was so bored i put them in alphabetical order as well!! Name: Rachael Age: 17 Lives: Ireland. And no that doesn't mean that i am an alcoholic. My whole family is though. Height: Exactly 5'6 just checked there now. Hair: Let’s put it this way, i was born ginger, went blonde at age 3, went brown at about 8 then got stuck somewhere between blonde and brown when i was 10, dyed it red, then brown then redder then black and I’m dying it purple soon. Eyes: Green with little yellow lines in the middle Glasses/Braces: I have glasses at the minute and i had braces but they were taken off about 7 months ago. I may as well tell you a little bit about my friends: Lisa aka Heels Mac Gruff: She is my second in command and also my second cousin and one of my best friends, yes i have more than 1 best friend! We are sure that we have a psychic link since we always seem to know what the other is thinking, that or we just spend too much time together since i spend about 70 of my time at her house even though i live about 30 miles away from her! “I’m carrying out a little act of rebellion now; I’M NOT USING A COSTER!” Jordana the Mighty aka Jo: We met back in 3rd year when we made it our life’s accomplishment to annoy our maths teacher as much as possible. Yet another one of my best friends i love hers lots. We love to scheme and to be honest i wouldn’t be able to do my coursework without her, she is my very own walking thesaurus. “My whole problem is that my lips move when i think!” Margaret aka Marge: We lived round the corner from each other for years before she was viciously taken from me at the age of 9. So imagine my surprise when we re-met in 3rd year! I had recently become friends with Jordana and she had been friends with her for a few years. I would like to say it was a tear filled reunion full of hugs and stories but to be honest it really wasn’t. She loves to give me sick mental images which i can never return, it’s like she has some sort of mental block against them! “Spinach is the Broom of the nads” Karl and Daniel aka Kamudaki and Dimples: They are Lisa’s brothers, and through default they are basically my brothers too. I spend so much time at their house that if I shout mum their mum answers me. They are gaming maniacs and love to make me play just so they can laugh at my n00bish ways! “If i had a dollar for every brain you didn’t have, I would have ONE dollar” Steve aka Weener aka Skittles: Ah little Skittles how I love thee. Most likely the only friend I have that is waaay more random than me! We met through Lisa and have been best friends ever since. We often sit for hours talking about such subjects as Hansel and Gretel, who are the real bad guys? And why we should invite Pluto to our wedding! “Mobile Phones are little pocketfuls of disappointment!” Bex: Bex was originally Lisa’s best friend from school but after meeting her a few times she kinda grew on me, like fungi. She is also the reason my mind now lives in the gutter. She can turn nearly anything you say dirty. She has filthy thoughts and always speaks her mind; she is a chronic drinker and curses like a sailor. She is also a care assistant at an elderly people’s home, and teaches Sunday school! Yeah don’t even try to understand! “I see you baby, gyrating those hips!” The Music Class: Pipp, Matty, Cookie, Darragh, Mal and Joel make up the music class. They are a laugh to be around and are always ready to help me prank someone or steal the buckets from the cleaners so we can soak the hallways and play Slip ‘n’ Slide, god we got in so much trouble for that. Quotes from me and my friends: You’re Obsessed!!- Joel I like to think of it as dedication-Me xxx I’m gonna be kicking ass and taking names!- Me Why would you take their names? - Matty So i can look up their relatives and kick their asses too! – Me xxx Holy Crap Dean Winchester has big nipples, their almost ready to breastfeed!- My Mother EWWWWWWWWWWWWW- Me xxx Stop being a child- Jo You know i can’t! – Me xxx Jesus Juice, its Sacrelicious!!- Sara xxx She shouldn't have said that!... At least not to your face. – Me xxx And they shot the horses!! James Mc Avoy AND the horses must be avenged! And i know exactly how to do it!!-Me How?!- Jo I don’t know, it just sounded cool in my head- Me xxx Oh are you hiding from somebody?- Me Nope...Maybe...Yes- Jo Ohhh is it me? - Me Now if i was hiding from you why would i be talking to you?-Jo I don’t know, the whole, the closer you are from danger the further you are from harm thing. It made more sense in my head-Me I am nearly sure it did- Jo xxx You nearly got us killed! That’s it next time I’m driving!-Matty You?! But you have never had a driving lesson in your life- Darragh And yet i still drive better than you. - Matty Irony is a fickle bitch- Me xxx We're like 2 peas in an iPod- Jo xxx Do you think that Disfunctionalness should be a word if i say it is? – Me xxx Don’t even start- Jo Oh ill start, finish and recycle! - Me Oh you went there- Jo I live there- Me OMG you don’t even know where there is yet girl- Jo Of course i know where there is, i sell maps to it- Me xxx Aye your ma! - Jo What about my ma? What are you saying? Are you calling my mother a whore? - Me Rachael-Jo Well everybody has to pay the bills! She just gets the money in a diferent way!-Me RACHAEL!-Jo Oh hi mum- Me xxx Good Evening Godless Sodomite- Jo xxx You named your phone? - Joel Look just because i may or may not have a weird compulsion with naming my stuff doesn't mean that you are better than me, or that my "mental problems" have returned!!- Me xxx Rachael will you be my sponsor? - Courtney Your an alcoholic?-Me For my confirmation you fool! – Courtney xxx What are you doing with your life? - Mum Selling it to the highest bidder- Me xxx You know kids in Africa can’t afford sarcastic remarks and here you sit abusing them! The sarcastic remarks not the kids in Africa- Me xxx We now go to Campbell being a dick! Campbell?-Me (Campbell is my teacher) Ooooooh- Whole Class xxx I’m not random-Me xxx Hell I’d swoon over anything, especially if it ended with me making pancakes!-Me Now that was random- Marge xxx I was sitting there thinking, this song reminds me of something, and then like a badly aimed Frisbee, it hit me-Me xxx Is there anything you wouldn't do?-Marge Fight a shark-Me xxx Being calm is for losers, i prefer to be in a constant state of paranoia. It makes life more interesting-Me xxx Will anything change your mind?-Campbell Edward Cullen-Me xxx (After reading new moon and not having Eclipse straight away) SHE DOESN'T KNOW HOW I FEEL!!-Fanta Yes, she does!-Lisa She doesn't have my problem! I’m NOT gay, nor am i a girl, yet i love these books. WHATS WRONG WITH ME?! –Fanta xxx I wish Steve Irwin was my dad- Me But he's dead-Lisa I wonder if i could get adopted by him even though he's dead?-Me Have you listened to a word I’ve said?-Lisa I wonder if liking snakes makes me a better candidate for getting adopted by him-Me xxx Shirley Martin Butters my Muffin!!-Me and Lisa xxx Have you anything planned for after the exams?-Lisa No why?-Me Are you thinking what I’m thinking?-Lisa Unless you thinking about what venom would look like if his suit was pink then no I‘m not!-Me xxx Hey little Kitty Kitty we see you, crossing the road and making people crash their cars!!-Me and Lisa xxx I always wanted to be a...oh god what are they called?! You know a...doodler. You know!- Joel A cartoonist?-Matty A Graffitist?-Darragh A Writer?- Haggy An Architect?-Karl A secretary?- Phil A chimney sweep?-Me NO! You know those people who doodle things!!-Joel A transvestite?-Pipp NO an artist that’s it an artist!-Joel I think it would be waaay cooler to be a chimney sweep!-Me xxx Calm down i have a plan, well 2, but one involves time travel!-Lisa xxx Pipp will you do me a favour?-Me Yes my darling?-Pipp Don’t ever breed!-Me xxx -so then as the old lady was crossing we noticed a giant puddle in the middle of the road...-Me Where are you going with this?-Chris I’ll let you know when i get there-Me xxx Is that the police driving past?-Mum No it's the Thrush brigade.-Me xxx Is that Steve your on the phone to at 3 in the morning?-Mum No, it’s the Thrush Brigade, they're on to you!! Run while you still can!!-Me xxx If i have to beat you like a red headed step child i will-Me xxx We have a paradox!!-Skittles Is it wrapped in an enigma?-Me No but its lightly marinated in one-Skittles xxx Why are you alive? -Emma Non effective condoms-Me xxx Can you still use the term "the pot calling the kettle black" if your pot is silver and your kettle green?-Me xxx Doesn't Joel remind you of Ross from friends?-Skittles Who's Joel?-Me Joel...-Skittles The dude who turned up at your house with a locket round his neck and a balloon that you gave to Lisa on the day i wanted to watch princess Mononoke?-Me Yes-Skittles xxx Why do chickens have so many bones, it’s not as if they need them to stand while I’m eating them-Me How awesome would it be if some animals just didn’t? Like Rabbits. But they could still run as fast-Skittles Yeah and we could eat twice as much-Me But to address the balance there should be some animals made entirely from bone-Skittles True, like...sheep, wait do we eat sheep? I know we eat lamb, but is anything other than wool made from sheep?-Me I don’t think so, i think the meat gets too tough-Skittles Sheep it is then. Plus it would get rid of that pesky Haggis problem-Me xxx Doing a Jagerbomb is like being caressed by a Badger, but not one of those sneaky badgers, one of the mmmmmm ones.-Skittles xxx You do realise that what your doing is indecent exposure?-Policeman Really?-Skittles Do you realise how serious this is?-Policeman Nnnnnnnnnnnope-Skittles Well for example do you ever want to go to America?-Policeman Not really-Skittles Oh...well if you did you couldn't!-Policeman xxx You don’t know what alfalfa is?-Me No, is it drunken Falafel?-Skittles xxx Can we make some alfalfafalafels?-Skittles xxx Are you going to go watch it?-Lisa Part of me wants to, but part of me would sooner die-Skittles xxx I put the emo in lemon-Skittles xxx We must keep it between just us. And of course Sally the Gossip-Me Buff the Ruff Stuff Sally?-Skittles That’s the one-Me xxx Bacon is the whore of meats-Skittles xxx We have to make some alfalfafalafelwaffels!-Me, Lisa and Skittles xxx (in subway) Everything-Skittles Everything?-Becky EVERYTHING!!-Skittles Everything-Becky xxx Do you even know what we are going to see?-Bex Yes! Sex in the City!-Me NO! It’s Reproduction in the Urban Setting!-Bex xxx Yeah well Peter is actually my second name; my real name is Edward-Peter Your name is EDWARD?!-Me ...Yes?-Peter Will you marry me?-Me xxx Yeah the reason i changed it to Peter is because Edward is a really poofish name-Peter ...-me Rachael are you okay?-Peter I’m trying very hard right now not to hurt you!-Me xxx You had me at Cheese-Me xxx And we can put the short people on the platform-Lisa Was that directed at me?-Dimples xxx The dead kettle makes no noise-Kamudaki xxx I’m not afraid of cars-Mitchell xxx Maw Ma Naow-Me Did you just say 'I want my nose'?-Dimples No i said 'MAW MA NAOW'!-Me Yeah coz that’s less random-Dimples xxx Happy Chinese Jew Year- Me, Lisa, Dimples and Kamudaki xxx What should we call the balloon?-Joel I think we should call it Matty-Pipp Why-Mal Coz just like Matty, its only use is to be laughed at-Pipp Plus it is continuously pushed over and never does anything about it-Joel xxx Aah my hometown, were the men are men and so are the women-Darragh xxx So we meet again old friend? You thought you could hide from me didn't you? All the way in the corner over there, crouched in the dark, waiting for me to overlook you and move on! Well to bad, i found you and now you are going to get your comeuppance, never again shall you escape my clutches for today is the day that i end you!! Muhahahahahaha-Jason Jason please stop talking to your wham bar!-Me xxx I’m not sure whether we would get stared at..or killed-Me Possibly one then the other – don’t know what order that would come in though-Jordana xxx What happened to that £20 i gave you to get laser eye surgery?-Skittles They missed and hit my hand. Now my hand has perfect sight but no eyes to use it on-Me xxx Hey look a Barbeque!-Joel Where?-Laura Over there see!-Joel Joel that’s a shop on fire!-Me I know, hey who wants to go get some frozen burgers from asda and make a day of it?-Joel xxx My mum just admitted to having a dream about you!-Me Really? What happened?-Skittles She says that you were really drunk and had got a taxi to our house, so you could sleep on the sofa. She also said that you had dark brown wavy hair and bright blue eyes-Me Well i do have blue eyes! Tell her i said Your Welcome! She has the hots for me!-Skittles I want a man not a boy-Mum I’m more man than you can handle. I put the man in romance!-Skittles Not according to my dream sweet pea!-Mum Sweet pea? Ha more like Green Giant-Skittles Green? You should really get checked for Gang Green or Leprosy-Mum It’s not a disease. It’s more like kryptonite. Makes Supermen go weak!-Skittles Supermen? I always wondered about you!-Mum Pfft she just jealous she's not getting any!-Skittles True-Me xxx How do you always remember what they say?-Mum I like to think of it as a Quotegraphic memory-Me xxx Argh im sick of babysitting these kids!! Im so bored!-Me Get them to bake you a cake-Bex I fear i will die from it-Me Get them to give you a back massage-Bex I fear i will die from it-Me xxx I think I’ve finally gone crazy!-Me Finally?-All my friends xxx Calm down just remember that if you kill me now you'll regret it in the long run!-Me xxx You know what i like about you Rachael?-Chris My witty remarks? My ability to turn any comment dirty? My boobs?-Me No, Yes and Yes, but most of all it’s that endless supply of cookies you always seem to have, and love giving them to us your humble classmates!-Chris Just take the cookie and get out of the way-Me xxx Fathers don’t get sarcastic remarks, it’s in their job description, "inability to comprehend or blatant disregard of all sarcastic remarks"-Me xxx I didn't go to mass for 20 years, but then when i had lost all hope, i found Jesus-Holy missionary person Was he behind the sofa?-Me xxx Hesitation leads to death- Mo xxx Investigation looks so much longer upside down- Me xxx Is time going backwards here?-Me It’s a countdown- Lisa Oh My Carlisle. DONT LET ME BREED-Me xxx And my dwarf was on fire for 7 hours before he pulled his shirt off and ran into the water faster that a dwarf on fire!-Me xxx Yeah and then Jasper will leave Alice for me, bears and bee's will start mating and Pluto will take steroids to get bigger and be reinstated as a planet-Me xxx A riddle wrapped in an enigma, shrouded in mystery, eveloped in a paradox inside a jelly donut!-Me Yes it's a lot of quotes but i thought you should know just how random my friends and i are! BTW most of my fics will be Twilight based unless i'm feeling extra awesome or creative Any questions? Comments? Buibui for now! |
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