Zejewbum
 Chances are, you have just received a review from me that you did not particularly care for. Perhaps you've gotten a review and were amazed that someone actually had the guts to point out that there were mistakes in your story. Well, either way, here's some information that I, personally, think you should know: I am 24 years old. I've been writing since I was ten. I love having my work critiqued. I am smart enough (and mature enough) to realize that I am not perfect and can always improve on my work. I am returning to school in the fall, to begin my degree in Middle Childhood Education (focusing on Science and English). I'm from the U.S., but would love to visit Britain and Ireland. I critique work and am blatantly (sometimes brutally) honest with it. I love (am sometimes accused of being obsessed with) Harry Potter, Artemis Fowl, The Legend of Drizzt, The Mortal Instruments, Amelia Atwater Rhodes' early works, and Alex Rider (yes, I do still read young adult books, so sue me) and will criticize these heavily. I hate Twilight. Wait, let me rephrase that: Twilight has become annoying. I liked it when it first came out, but once it hit the main stream, it has become the obsession of every teenage girl. Frequently Asked Questions: Q: Why are you doing this? A: I am doing this because I believe FFnet has allowed far too many lazy, ignorant writers unto this forum who need to have it pointed out that they are not doing a good job with their works. Also, there are many aspiring writers here who, I believe, would like to have their work looked at and be given an honest opinion. As an aspiring writer myself, I love it when I receive criticisms. Q: How can you do this if you don't write? A: You do not need to be a writer to determine whether or not a piece of literature is good or not, just as you do not need to be a fashion designer to see that a shirt is ugly, or be a singer to hear that a song is bad. Also, I do write, just not under this name. Q: What you do is called "flaming." Isn't that against the rules? A: I do not consider what I do "flaming." And no, criticizing work is not against the rules. The rules state this, and I quote: "Respect the reviewers. Not all reviews will strictly praise the work. If someone rightfully criticizes a portion of the writing, take it as a compliment that the reviewer has opted to spend his/her valuable time to help improve your writing. Everyone here is an aspiring writer. Respect your fellow members and lend a helping a hand when they need it. Like many things, the path to becoming a better writer is often a two way street." You don't have to take my word for it: look it up yourself. Q: What do you really know about English? A: Well, as it is my native tongue, I suppose I know quite a lot. I also believe that my degree in English speaks for itself. If you don't believe that I have one, that's your problem. My Reasons for Losing Faith in the Human Race: Author: EvolveintoSomething Story: Sealing Fate Category: Twilight Why?: Completely and totally not understanding what I said. This poor child missed my entire review and thought I was critiquing him on something that I did not bring up, whatsoever. My Review: There are these things called compound sentences – ever heard of them? No? Well, let me tell you what they are: they are devices that allow a writer to combine several short sentences together so the finished piece does not look like so: “I walked down the stairs. I turned left at the bottom of the stairs. I walked toward the kitchen. I entered the kitchen. I headed toward the fridge. I opened the door. I got out the milk.” By using compound sentences, the finished piece would look like this: “I walked down the stairs and turned left when I reached the bottom, heading for the kitchen. When I arrived, I headed toward the fridge so I could pour myself a glass of milk.” Now, wasn’t that much easier and enjoyable to read? I think so. I think you do have a very good storyline here so far. I’d suggest getting a beta and fixing this chapter, though. Harsher than normal, I will admit, but I did manage to squeeze in a compliment. His Response: Yah i've heard of 'em. Ever heard of not being a jerk? Thanks. This makes me laugh. Me: Yes, I have. I wasn’t being a jerk; I was simply pointing something out to you. If that makes me a jerk, then so be it. Evolve: listen it was a typo. on top of that this is my first story. so sorry if i made a mistake. i took care of it. Confused? I was too. Also, so very sick of using the excuse, "it's my first story!" to make up for having so many mistakes. Me: I am not entirely sure how that was a typo . . . but, whatever, I’ll go with it. I’m glad you’re going back and fixing it. Evolve: well when i first wrote this, James was her husband, not jake. i changed it later and i guess didn't catch those and change them to Jacob. /Looks back over review again/ No mention of the name switch anywhere. I pretty much gave up after that. Chalk one up to People Who Failed Both English Class AND Reading Class. Me: I don't believe that I said anything about the names . . . but, again, I'm glad you're going back and fixing it. Evolve: Yup. Yeah . . . I was done. Author: Unique Cullen o.0 Story: Fear's and Tear's Category: Twilight Why? Saying that "I'm too busy to fix my mistakes, but not too busy to argue with you." My review: First off, why is everything bolded? Also, if you feel the need to explain, in your author’s note no less, who the people referred to in the chapter are, you need to go back and make your chapter longer so people can figure it out while reading. Oh, and your “teacher” missed a hell of a lot of grammar mistakes. I wasn't being rude - and I wasn't even all that mean - and I had very little to critique about the actual content of the story. My main point was that everything was in bold text. Their reply: Good day, In reply to your not-so-harsh review. 1) i have absolutely NO IDEA why everything is in bold, i did not type it that way. Good day to you. Me: 1) Why haven't you gone back and fixed it? Unique: 1) I haven't fixed it because im always busy with work I, personally, think it's very funny that they cannot find the time to fix the bold text, but they miraculously have the time to write out these excuses about how much time they do not have. Confused anyone? You see, in my mind, it would have been quicker to just fix it than to write out these replies. Apparently, they did not think so. Me: 1) Oh, I am so very sorry that I used the wrong phrase - one wrong phase, mind you – in my review. 2) You cannot be /that/ busy as you are typing me this message. In all actuality, it will take you longer to type your reply than it will to fix this mistake. 3) ‘Lookign’ is not a word. Also, ‘dont’ needs an apostrophe. If you are going to call me out on my one, little mistake, you might want to make sure your argument does not have any. 4) So far, all you have done is prove that you are a lazy, arrogant writer who has had far too many people give you empty comments that are not true. Luckily, however, I am not the only one who has been critiquing you, judging on the amount of reviews on your other stories that are – oh, my, what is this? Oh, thank God in Heaven above, they are also telling you that you need to work on grammar and punctuation. Here’s a hint: stop making excuses, get off your lazy , and fix your stories. Listen to what we are telling you - we are trying to help you better your writing skills. This reply, pretty much made my day. Seriously. Unique: i am writing this to you very quickly in lessons when i have at least two mins to reply back so shut up about me not being that busy. i had very little time to cheack for mistakes in my reply. I have also been brought up not to listen to strange vertual people's advice. Do you here that 'vertual people?' He does not want your advice. He would much rather continue to poison this site with his trash and arrogance. Me: Again, it would have been quicker to just fix it. Odd that you "have also been brought up not to listen to “strange virtual people's advice," yet you insist on posting on a site filled with “strange ‘vertual’ people” who are meant to give you advice. It's what reviews are for, sweetheart, in case you did not read the Guidelines. I also find it odd that you cannot listen to our advice, yet you can argue with us. Do you really think you are the only one who goes to class, has a job, has a life? It's not hard to spell 'cheack' your work or to go and make sure your document is formatted correctly. Unique: Okay, i give up with you. Have a bad life, I defently will NOT follow your advice, please follow mine, and fack off Can anyone think of a reason that I would listen the advice to "fack off?" Or, can anyone explain to me how to "fack off?" Also, of course this person would 'defently' not listen to my advice. After all, what kind of crazy advice is to fix the formatting error in your story? Author: Violet Snipes Story: Blue Hour Category: Technically listed under 'Twilight,' but it is original fiction Why? Not understanding the difference between fanfiction and original fiction, even after several reviews informing them the difference. My review: Honey, the people who reviewed before me were not joking, over exaggerating, or lying in anyway. Besides the name ‘Rosalie,’ this has absolutely nothing to do with Twilight. I don’t understand why it is so hard for you to comprehend that this is not Fanfiction and should be taken down. You are not supposed to post original fiction on this site -- it even says so in the Guidelines that you MUST agree to before you submit any story. This story is original fiction. Take it down. It’s not that hard to understand. Normally, I would have just left it to the Admin's and my fellow "flamers" to deal with but 1) it made me mad and 2) the story wasn't that good anyway. Their reply: Not a chance. I'll leave it up until i'm finished with the story and just like i told everyone else don't reply to this email or It'll set me off, not a threat at all. Of course, I had to reply. Me: All right, then I'll report you. Simple as that. This is a site for fanfiction, not original fiction. Violet: All right you're not the first one. i've talked to my firendsand they told me some stuff but you know what it's your opinion and i respect that you actually gave mw that opinon so good luck with that. I can only shudder to imagine the type of 'stuff' this creature's 'firends' told them. Sadly, the Admin's have yet to delete this story. It is still plagueing FF.net. Author: SnapeLikesMyPatronus Story: Harry Potter AIM Category: Harry Potter (obviously) Why?: Not following the simple guidelines My Review: Entries not allowed: Chat/script format and keyboard dialogue based entries. Oh, wait . . . your story falls under this! OMGWTFHS! Normally, I wouldn't say anything – as it's up to the admins to get rid of this – but this was horrible. Not only is there no reason for Hogwarts to have computers (no way, really, as technology doesn't work there) but it was not funny. At all. Their Reply: If you don't like it, then you can gogogo away. XD But thanks for making my review go up. It helps so much. This is just for FUN! Get it? FUN You = No Fun. You = Fun Sucker . . . glares Fun Sucker . . . XD Stupid flamers :) Quiet possibly the most childish retort I've ever had. I'm a “fun sucker” because I didn't think the story was funny enough to break the rules? Author: THE Pixie Story: A New 'New Moon' Category: Twilight Why?: 'Cuz it's Twilight – isn't that enough? Unfortunately, no. This writer also seems to think that Bella is black, does not know about tenses or grammar and rapes the poor, poor caps-lock key consistently. My Review: I really, truly, do not understand why you are getting reviews that say, “This is so gwood!1! Updte son plese?!” Seriously, people?! I couldn't get past the first three sentances. It's crap. I'm normally not this vicious, but it's true. It needs about seven or eight really, /really/, good betas to fix it and even then, I'm not sure it will be up to par. Their Response: Hey, be4 u go and slam some1 elses story. Why dont you go write your own?? Hello you dont even have a story up so dont slam my story. FYI is you dont like the story then dont read it any person with a working brain can understand that and good dont have a 'w' in it and usually im not this nice when I P.M. People who dis my story without writing their own! With love Nikole I am very, very sick of this whole, “You don't write stories so you can't say anything to me,” crap. It's not an excuse to write sh!tfics, nor is it going to make me take back what I said. Suck it up and deal with it. My Response: Apparently, you do not understand sarcasm. I was making fun of the people who are reviewing your story, telling you lies about how good it is. By the way, I do write stories, just not under this name. I am not ignorant enough to think that I can be bluntly honest to people and expect people to be honest about mine. I know that anything I post under this name will only get reviews telling me about horrible I am. So, by your logic, you cannot say that a piece of artwork is ugly, a song is horrible, or food tastes disgusting? I'm assuming that you're not a professional artist, a professional singer, or a chef. However, I am willing to bet that you do these things. You do not need to write to know whether a story was awful, just as you do not need to cook to know that a type of food is revolting. One that thing: How was I to know that the story was bad? I am not psychic. I did not look at your summary and go, “Oh, this will be bad. I will not read it.” Sorry, I actually had to read the story to come to that conclusion. I am so glad that the future of America rests on these peoples shoulders, aren't you? Fear Not, There Is Hope! Luckily, there are writers out there who will actually listen to advice and ACT ON IT! I know, I know, how rare they are! That is why, and I hope you agree with me, they should be mentioned and thanked for their common sense. Author: thelastvampirealive Story: Allie's life Category: Twilight Why?: She, worked with me, listened to what I said and applied it My Review: This . . . is a very droll story so far. There are no visuals, no emotion, no background for Allie. It's all bland conversations. You need constant punctuation. You have no commas and very few periods. They are needed. It's not an option for them to be there. You also need to keep the same tense. If Allie's mother "said" something, then the tense is in the past. Allie, and everyone else, would also speak in the past tense. You have her speaking in the present tense most of the time. As you have made Allie's father the new sheriff, you need to explain how that happened. How/why is Charlie no longer the sheriff? You /need/ (it's not an option) a warning stating that this will not follow the books in anyway. As Edward is kissing Allie (completely out-of-character, by the way) obviously, there is no Bella and the entire book is changed. You need to warn your readers of this. I'm assuming, since there is no description of anything in the story, that Allie and all characters are faceless, bald, blobs who are standing in a white box with no windows or doors. If this is not the case, you need to describe what things and people look like. It really takes the reader out of the story when they are forced to simply read conversations. There is nothing to keep them intrigued. Get a beta. A /good/ beta. A beta will help with the spelling mistakes, the grammar mistakes, punctuation, characterization, plot and everything else that this story lacks. the's Reply: i know it is. I'm i guess u could say an amacher when it comes to stories the also sent me a message at the same time saying this: thank you for giving me some idea about my story, um I'm not very good with Me: I don't think I have anything new to say about how to write it better, but I can add on to what's already been said. Describe everything. What people look like, the places they are at, how people are feeling. Put as much detail as you can think of. This also includes the fight scene. There was, almost literally, nothing to it. Allie was not in pain when "something went into her side." Give us detail. I really don't think I can stress that enough. Try using a dictionary and thesaurus when describing things. Lines such as "it hurt badly" don't give the reader much detail and make it boring. We can't relate to it, nor can we get a good "image" in our heads. Something like, "It felt like every cell in my body was slowly being ripped into tiny pieces" works. I understand you may be trying to keep Allie's form a secret, but you need to give us something other than "I phased into my form" and "I tripped on my clawed hooves." That doesn't give us any kind of visual or anything to draw us into that particular scene. If you want to keep her form a secret, that whole "fight" scene needs major reworking. Don't make Allie so "perfect." You may not realize it, but Allie is something called a Mary-Sue. If you don't know what that is, here's a link: (without the spaces) Give us back-story. We know that Allie is moving to Forks because her dad is now the sheriff, but how did that come to be? Why isn't Charlie sheriff now? What happened to Bella? Make it believable. This also includes Edward's out-of-characterness (him kissing Allie the day he met her for no reason). Everyone seems to simply like Allie because she's Allie. It's not believable (or relateable or realistic) and adds to Allie's Mary-Sueness. I'd highly recommend a beta to help with grammar and spelling. It's free, it's easy, and it gives you another perspective about how to work your story. There was a very long conversation that went on between thelastvampirealive and myself, so I'm not going to post it all here. Rest assured, fellow "flamers" that yes, she did follow my advice and get a beta. She is currently reworking the story and is confident and happy with how it is turning out. Author: GoddessBloodVengence22 Story: Devil's Angels Part 2 Category: Harry Potter Why: For working with me to fix her story My Review: Woah, this needs to be formatted badly. You need actual "paragraphs" (they're created here in Fanfiction by pressing enter to make each paragraph spaced apart). No one can read your story like this; it's just a really long block of letters. You also need a summary, which I think the guidelines actually told you when you clicked the "new story" button. Their Reply: -.-...i know that. Im still working out the problems, and i cant decide where Me: Well, a good rule of thumbs is to start a new paragraph when a new person speaks. For example: "Kai woke up with a splitting headache throbbing in her temples. Her eyes were itchy and her joints were stiff like boards. She pushed herself into sitting position and glanced at her alarm clock. 12:18. It was barely passed midnight and she had just dozed off. Sleep hadn't been very kind to her. Of course it actually never was. Kai wanted nothing more than to take a few sleeping pills and go back to bed, but sadly, it wouldn't do a thing to help. Her vampire blood would merely burn through almost instantly. So she was left with only one option: to endure it. Though it was so excruciating that she felt as though she would be sick, she kept it down. She was reaching for her iPod on her bedside table when there was a light tap on her door. "Kai? Are you awake?" She heard her sister, Harmony whisper through the crack of the door. "Come on in, Harmony," she called and the door opened." Yes, your story is happening in the same time period, but different subjects are happening as well. For example, you were talking about Kai not being able to sleep, and then you started talking about her reaching for her iPod. New subject, new paragraph. Goddess: oh okay then i see. ill edit that now. thanks 4 the tip Author: o Saya o Story:Snape's Adventures in Babysitting: Scorpius Category: Harry Potter Why: For trying to work on her faults and being mature enough to handle what I said My Review: You have a good idea going here, and a lot of funny little one liners. However, you do need to watch your spelling and word choices (you wrote “sun” in chapter one when it should have been “son”), your punctuation (lots of run on sentences and commas in the wrong place) making sure that each time a new person speaks, a new paragraph begins, and some minor formatting ([“Uncle Sev.” Called Scorpius] should be either [“Uncle Sev!” called Scorpius] or [“Uncle Sev,” called Scorpius]). It is a good story. I like how you make Scorpius so much like his father and show a softer side of Sev. I'd recommend getting a beta, just to keep those little mistakes in line. Their Reply: Thank you =P I'm still new to this whole writing stories thing and I have Microsoft office and it tells me my grammer needs to be changed but I don't Author: uncontrollableranter Story: The True Story Category: Harry Potter My review: So, with the exception of a few grammatical errors, this story is very good. Also, I agree with N-Nmos: you shouldn’t think that, just because your story isn’t getting any reviews, it isn’t any good. Some of the best stories I’ve read have had very little reviews. I’d suggest getting a beta for the errors. But as I said, this is a pretty good story so far. Keep up the good work, kiddo. Their reply: Hey, Thanks for your kind review! I'm glad you liked it. And you're right, I def need to check for grammatical errors, especially in the first few chapters. It's nice to get a review that actually critizes the work, you know? lol I usually just get "update!!" hehe. thanks again, Author: Crazy Computer's Vendetta Story: Overloaded Category: Animorphs My review: I’m a little confused as to what kind of cat Rachel morphed into. At first you made it seem like a black panther, then you said “black spotted cat.” Adult black panthers don’t have spots. Then, you said, “she nodded her jaguar head.” You then switched back to calling the cat a panther. Although black panthers are just melanistic color variants of larger cats, it gets confusing when you switch back and forth. You also really shouldn’t add author notes in the middle of your story. It’s distracting and annoying to your readers. Also, you should check for grammatical errors. There aren’t many here, but they do seem to pop up occasionally. You do not need to use people’s names so often when they speak. She and he work just fine, especially in a long conversation between two people. One last thing: Each time a new person speaks, they get their own paragraph. For example : Should actually be: Rachel lifted an eyebrow. “Oh? What do you want me to do, marinate my arm and wave it around?” She demanded. I flapped a bit and managed to get into the air. “No, I’m just saying there are a few open areas above some cages.” I turned to look at Rachel. “You think a hungry panther might want to sniff some tasty fish?” Their reply: I wanted to thank you for review to my story. I appreciate criticism when it is polite and kind. I apologize for the crudity of the story--my recent chapters haven't been proofread, which is an obvious one. I was in a rush to update, and figured that reviewers could get past it, since it has occurred in the past before (guilty face), but I will try harder to proofread the chapters when I can. As to the paragraphs issue you mentioned, I do in fact know that I'm supposed to separate when other people speak, but I had seen a few other stories where that issue was ignored and did it unintentionally. Speaking of unintentional, I did not realize that I said their names so frequently--for that I do apologize. However, there is one thing I disagree with you on, and that is the author notes. You may find it annoying and don't care to read the short ones that interrupt, but some reviewers enjoy those notes, so I will keep them in there. If that occurs again, my simple suggestion to you is to just scroll past them. That way you're happy, and those who feel like reading those notes are content as well. If more continue to complain of this issue, I will shorten the notes. I thank you for the suggestions, advice, and criticism you gave me, but now I have an issue I would liek to bring up. As I noticed on your profile, it seems you have gotten many complaints about your reviews. I don't agree with these complaints, but I can understand how the writers may feel. You seem to hope that Fan Fiction will be written orderly with well-wrote grammar (as, albeit, it should be). I feel obliged to point out that many of the people that write on this site simply want to release these stories from inside themselves and enjoy writing for the fun of it; usually the ones that write sloppily aren't planning for their stories to be as well-written as school assignments or real stories. I agree that grammar is an important part of writing, and if they wish to be real authors they will definitely need it, as well as that in writing fiction writers on this website should use it correctly, but sometimes people take blunt criticism mistakenly as flaming. I appreciate the fact that you didn't flame my story--which this sequel pretty much deserves--but to sum up my rather tedious and boring rant that was supposed to be a suggestion, is this: Criticism is always useful and needed, and while lying of your opinion is meaningless, words 'seasoned with salt' are far more easy for people to digest. I once again thank you that you took the time to point out the errors in Chapter 5. I will fix those errors soon, so I appreciate your review very much. :) I felt the need to reply: I'm happy I could help. I apologize if I seemed rude about the paragraph issue –it was probably the fifteenth story that I’d read today with that issue. A lot of the time it gets ignored because people on here are too afraid to review on a story and say, “Hey, you made a mistake.” The author notes are your choice. I don't care for them and I know several people who don't either, but as long as you keep them short they really won't bother me too much. I don't expect people to have perfect grammar or spelling when posting stories. I’m not perfect, and I’ve been caught in my own stories with bad punctuation, mixing words, and bad grammar. I completely understand what it’s like to have a story annoy the hell out of you until you type it up and post it. That being said, I completely understand that mistakes are made. My annoyance is with the people who have 18 sentences jammed into one long one, no proper nouns capitalized, and no concept of what a comma and period exist for. I also do not believe that what I do is flaming. I (as uppity, or pompous, or whatever as this may sound) am a hell of a lot nicer than people who really do flame. You should have more confidence in yourself. Your story is actually very good: you’ve captured the characters and you have a very good plot going. Once again, I’m glad I could help. ~Zejewbum P.S. Hehe, I made the same mistake you did about the panther/jaguar thing. I had a friend (who’s this huge big cat buff) proofread that particular piece and she flipped. It’s stuck with me ever since. Author:TheNefariousMe Story: Bound By Blood Category: Harry Potter My review: Um, you don't need to say "flashback/end flashback." Most of us are mentally competent enough to figure that out for ourselves, thank you. I don’t really see the point in having everything centered . . . to me, it seems harder to read this way. However, you don’t seem to have any other complaints about it, so it may just be me. I don’t really understand how there is a boy who lived if Lily and James are still alive. I’m also assuming since Voldemort came to Lucius and told him to adopt Harry that he’s still alive too? The whole “boy who lived” thing was about Voldemort killing Lily and James, trying to kill Harry and failing, and then losing his powers. If that didn’t happen, how does the boy who lived work? Of course, I haven't gotten through all you have posted, so that may be answered later. However, it is something you would want to address earlier in the story, rather than later, just so you know. All in all, though, I think you have an original idea. There are a lot of “Lily gave Harry, the REAL boy who lived, but kept his twin brother” fics out there, but you seem to have taken our own route and made a fic that’s actually enjoyable. Also, kudos on having fairly good spelling and grammar: I’ve found very few mistakes. Their reply: First of all, thank you for your honesty. -TheNefariousMe PS: Thanks for the comment on the spelling. I tuly hate it when poeple can't spell, have improper grammar, or (shudder) use texting lingo rather than actual words. Drives me nuts Author: Kitsune Heart Story: Any and all Why?: Her writing is rich, luscious, COMPETENT, and used correctly. Her characters are almost always IC, with her own personalities and quirks believably thrown in. If you are into the Artemis Fowl fandom, I strongly suggest you look her up. Author: BellandEdward4Evr Story: My Baby Edward Category: Twilight (obviously) Why: Wanting to know how to fix her story My Review: Um, as most of the story (I say most because the first chapter isn't) is in Isabella's point of view, you don't need to continually tell us that in every chapter. /Most/ readers are mentally competent enough to figure that out for themselves. Using basic sentence structure (starting almost every sentence with “I”, “There”, “The”, “It”, etc.etc.) and choppy sentences really brings the reader out of your story. Changing tenses and frequently missing words (“I scowled him.” You – and your beta missed the “at.”) confuses the reader and brings them out of the story, as they constantly need to stop and fix the tense and add the missed word. As far as I can tell, you and your beta haven't made any spelling mistakes, so kudos to that. Although, to be honest, I wasn't really looking. You have a very unique idea, but your story is very dry and hard to get into. I'd suggest adding more visuals and emotions and double-checking your beta's - and your - work before posting. Zejewbum Her reply: Thanks for some constructive criticism. Um...what do you mean by "your story Thanks for the review! ~Tori~ Of course, I answered: First off, thank you for being mature about my review and realizing that I'm trying to HELP you, not just be a bitch. Usually when I say "dry", it's really me saying "boring" politely. Don't get me wrong: the story itself isn't boring -- it's one of the very few GOOD Twilight fics I've read. I say "dry" because it feels like you're playing it safe to please your readers -- the emotion seems very flat (to me anyway), meaning that it's coming out as "he was sad", "she was happy". Don't be afraid to put detail into it (he felt like his heart was about to explode into a million fragments from the pain). Going along with details, the visuals are coming across that way as well ("they were sideswiped by a car" could be turned into something like "a blur of movement caught her eye; she turned her head just in enough time to spin the car away from the oncoming, speeding, green ford focus"). I know you have talent and the imagination to make this fic go places. Don't be afraid to get into the nitty-gritty. Hope this helps, Bella: Ohhh...thank you. XD I needed that, not many reviewers give constructed criticism. Thanks again. Jaja, I read your profile, its funny. XD Bye, bye. ~Tori~ Mature, with a sense of humor. Very nice :) Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside |
Checking It Twice by Kitsune Heart reviews
Radio by Va Vonne reviews