Greetings our fellow Americans! We pose our dual presidential welcome to those visiting us upon this page.

Please note that we are two former presidents on one account. If you desire to contact one of us, perhaps to thank us for winning WWII or for seeking to expand the powers of the executive branch in creative ways, write in the subject which of us whom you wish to communicate with whom. We do not divulge personal information about ourselves, you will just have to read our biographies or visit our presidential libraries. The only titles you may refer to us by are 'The Eisenhower' or 'The Nixon.' 'Eisenhower' and 'Nixon' are acceptable, as are ‘Mr. President’ and ‘Your Majesty’. You may think of us however you wish. Wild imaginings of the mind amuse and are occasionally true of us, or so Abraham Lincoln’s portrait would have you believe.

If you have found yourself on this page, most likely it's because we, Eisenhower and/or Nixon, have hurt your feelings or broken into your hotel room. If that's not the case then what are you looking at, punk? If you are one of those people we have been 'friendly' to and you want to get to know us, go on, send a message. The sooner you get on the good side of us, the longer your village will escape carpet bombing.

Since we are two persons we will be splitting up the speech making. I, The Eisenhower, will go first, seeing as I am the better, less sweaty, public speaker.

I am a lady. Alright, I am not. I only like wearing women’s undergarments. But do not deduce from my attitude that I am anything more than a fetishist because as a consequence I will strike you. I will strike you on the beaches, I will strike you… Wait, that was Churchill was it not? I am an imperturbable, conservative, and indifferent person, with a playful side that heretofore only Mamie has been privy to. So as long as I feel no irksomeness in regard to you, you may also see this side of me. It is simple to set me off, however, so one false move and a “police action” may be in your future. I am not only old, I am also dead, yet I continue to exist in my happy place. Would you like a description of that place? Suffice it to say that J. Edgar Hoover and I have some wild Saturday nights. There are, for eternity, storms, thunderstorms, lightning, rain and darkness here but that is only since The Nixon showed up. We expect worse when Dick Cheney makes the final journey.

I shall now turn the podium over to The Nixon.

Let me just say this about that. I am not a crook!

I am The Nixon, companion and former Vice President of The Eisenhower. If you should cross or upset him I will nuke you back to the Stone Age.

Now, when I am not consuming the souls of Democrats, along with a glass of Congressional Page’s blood, I make tapes of great depth but these you will never hear. I have no interest in fan fiction except I find that Sailor Moon chick sort of hot. But I do not condone the writing of fan fiction and I do not tolerate the outside agitators who write it. My clandestine manipulations are of a high standard, my plots and schemes were original and refreshing in their day, and my deviousness most immersive. If you have found this account, you are clearly a reader of the Washington Post and therefore not fit to read this. However, if you have ever seen our portraits and thought to yourself, 'Golly, that is completely and utterly fantastic! I want to have sexual intercourse with this jowly lothario and be a parent to his offspring!', then you are one disturbed individual, you communist hippie.

Aside from my extracurricular activities, I find flaming to be most delightful. I love the smell of napalm in the morning, and around noon, and especially at night when the flames can be seen for miles. At the moment it is merely The Eisenhower and I working together to expand the military industrial complex. We do not consider your feelings at any point for we no longer depend on your votes.

Do you expect a man who escalated the war in Vietnam to give a thought to the feelings of others?

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There have been many inquiries about us despite our request for others to respect our privacy. Just because we have chosen to tape others without their knowledge is no reason for them to pry into our personal lives. Usually we would ignore a breach of our wishes and continue on as we have always done, but upon speaking with my dear Nixon, instead we shall reveal more of ourselves to you.

The Eisenhower

Born in Texas in 1890, brought up in Abilene, Kansas, Eisenhower was the third of seven sons. He excelled in sports in high school, and received an appointment to West Point. Stationed in Texas as a second lieutenant, he met Mamie Geneva Doud, whom he married in 1916.

In his early Army career, he excelled in staff assignments, serving under Generals John J. Pershing, Douglas MacArthur, and Walter Krueger. After Pearl Harbor, General George C. Marshall called him to Washington for a war plans assignment. He commanded the Allied Forces landing in North Africa in November 1942; on D-Day, 1944, he was Supreme Commander of the troops invading France.

After the war, he became President of Columbia University, then took leave to assume supreme command over the new NATO forces being assembled in 1951. Republican emissaries to his headquarters near Paris persuaded him to run for President in 1952.

"I like Ike" was an irresistible slogan; Eisenhower won a sweeping victory.

Negotiating from military strength, he tried to reduce the strains of the Cold War. In 1953, the signing of a truce brought an armed peace along the border of South Korea. The death of Stalin the same year caused shifts in relations with Russia.

The President proposed that the United States and Russia exchange blueprints of each other's military establishments and "provide within our countries facilities for aerial photography to the other country." The Russians greeted the proposal with silence, but were so cordial throughout the meetings that tensions relaxed.

In domestic policy the President pursued a middle course, continuing most of the New Deal and Fair Deal programs, emphasizing a balanced budget. As desegregation of schools began, he sent troops into Little Rock, Arkansas, to assure compliance with the orders of a Federal court; he also ordered the complete desegregation of the Armed Forces.

Before he left office in January 1961, for his farm in Gettysburg, he urged the necessity of maintaining an adequate military strength, but cautioned that vast, long-continued military expenditures could breed potential dangers to our way of life. (whitehouse.gov)

The Nixon

Having evolved from a rich family, it is often scarce The Nixon cares for a human's feelings. Been the recipient of every wish he sought in his childhood, The Nixon was superior. However, he did not possess the existent in his kinfolks home that he truly yearned for. At the tender age of nine, The Nixon embarked on a cruise, barefoot, with twelve dollars and fifty-three cents in pocket. Being the youngster he was, his confidence to keep roaming was the concept he could imagine; the darkness extending throughout the world, storms proceeding to envelop the world in it's whirl of wickedness, and fire licking every inch of land. Having this portraiture set in his mind, he continued to walk upon a tapered path.

Having never been outside without an adult escort before, The Nixon realized of the predators that lurked in the shadows of the cruel reality. Each sound of steps made The Nixon's heart beat raise up by ten beats. He, bruised and fatigued, carrying his little dog Checkers, hauled himself into a dark alley, walked into the shadows, and vanished. Not having eaten for days, and giving every scrap he could steal to his dog, he noticed as a man made his way into the alley, with a loaf of bread in hand. He inched out of the shadows and made himself conspicuous to the man. As he turned to look at The Nixon, his eyes widened and a sadistic grin replaced the satisfied look on his face. The hunger on his face returned, but not for the loaf in his hand, but for rather The Nixon’s body. The Nixon's eyes widened and he proceeded to take tiny steps backwards but his breath got caught in his throat as his back met the alley wall. As he approached, The Nixon raised his hand to defend himself. As he closed in, The Nixon’s heart beat decreased immensely. When he leaned in, he extended his hand and touched The Nixon’s neck lightly. His face immediately showed the effect that the light touch had on him and made a move to grab his own neck. His eyes enlarged themselves to the point of bulging and his neck seemed to have closed up visibly. The Nixon stood, with his back pressed to the wall, and smiled to himself. He watched the man suffer and watched him choke. As he laid emotionless in the alley, The Nixon simply stepped out and skipped, once again on his way, Checkers following behind, no longer worried about the dangers lurking, with his heart beating only 5 beats per minute.

Having been able to charm men and lure them to do as he pleases, The Nixon came upon a mysterious dashing fellow in uniform. Being charmed by him immediately, The Nixon proceeded to follow him. Upon entering his manor, he felt the feeling of contentment envelop him and he cherished it, rather than rejecting it. As he was seated and offered wine, he felt a grin pulling at the side of his mouth. Soon as the General turned, he lightly touched his glass and leaned back before he circulated. The Nixon picked his own up and felt a shiver travel up his spine at the realization of the content within the glass. He looked up at the man in front of him and realized he had discovered of the poison within his own wine glass. He smiled as his eyes filled with adoration and lowered his own cup as he leaned forward.

The Nixon, indubitably, is charming and remarkable. Today, he's known for having to leave a mark upon those he touches. Two most common marks; the feeling of being poisoned and being able to overflow a human's body with pure sexual arousal, regardless of the gender. Passion and pain is what he thrives for. Lust and poison is what he represents pictorially.