Dear Bullies, That boy you punched in the hall today; committed suicide a few minutes ago. That girl you called a slut in class today; she's a virgin. That boy you called lame; has to work every night to support his family. That girl you pushed down the other day; is already being abused at home. You think you know them. Guess what, you don't. Copy and Paste this to your profile if you are against the mean bullying.

The girl you just called fat?

She is overdosing on diet pills.

The girl you just called ugly?

She spends hours putting makeup on hoping people will like her.

The boy you just tripped?

He is abused enough at home.

See that man with the ugly scars?

He fought for his country.

That guy you just made fun of for crying?

His mother is dying.

Put this as you're profile if you're against bullying. I bet 95% of you wont put this on your profile, but I'm sure the people with a heart and backbone will.

A 15 year old girl holds hands with her 1 year old son; people call her a slut and no one knows she was raped at 13.

People call another Guy fat; no one knows he has a serious disease causing him to be overweight.

People call a women bald, but they don't know she has cancer.

Re-post this if you are against bullying and stereotyping.

Copy and Paste this to your profile if you are against the mean bullying. I bet 99% of you won't.

This is this cat

This is is cat

This is how cat

This is to cat

This is keep cat

This is an cat

This is idiot cat

This is busy cat

This is for cat

This is forty cat

This is seconds cat

Now read the THIRD word of ever line

Lolololol! please copy and paste

65 percent of teenagers spend more time watching TV rather than reading, if you are part of the 35 percent who read more than watch TV, then copy and paste this into your profile then add your name. RaeVenn-Chan, Fall-For-Deceit, PhoenixTears95, J Spiker, The Awsome Threesome, GilansApprentice, Dragonwings66, Serial-Doodler, Biisaiyowaq, gothsamphan14, Aurora Borealis 97,Easternbluebird, son of wind, Delfim the Black Kitsune mathewhicks

Ninety-five percent of the kids out there are concerned with being popular and fitting in. If you're part of the five percent who aren't, copy this, put it in your profile, and add your name to the list. AnimeKittyCafe, Hyperactivley Bored, Gem W, Bara-Minamino, Yavie Aelinel, Crazy Billie Joe Loving Freak, Shadow929,SweetNCrazieSugarmuffin,The Komodo Dragon Phoenix, Bust_A_Groover, Tecna, Novemberscorpion110388, Pinksakurablossom, Angelgirl18647, Winter Gallowsraven, Echizen Ryoma-san, Zaara the black, Dragoon321, son of wind, Delfim the Black Kitsune mathewhicks

If you are crazy and/or insane and proud of it copy and paste this onto your profile

I was walking around in a Target store, when I saw a Cashier hand this little boy some money back."The boy couldn't have been more than 5 or 6 years old. The Cashier said, "I'm sorry, but you don't have enough money to buy this doll."

Then the little boy turned to the old woman next to him: ''Granny, are you sure I don't have enough money?''

The old lady replied: ''You know that you don't have enough money to buy this doll, my dear.''

Then she asked him to stay there for just 5 minutes while she went to look a round. She left quickly. The little boy was still holding the doll in his hand. Finally, I walked toward him and I asked him who he wished to give this doll to.

"It's the doll that my sister loved most and wanted so much for Christmas.

She was sure that Santa Claus would bring it to her."

I replied to him that maybe Santa Claus would bring it to her after all, and not to worry.

But he replied to me sadly. "No, Santa Claus can't bring it to her where she is now. I have to give the doll to my mommy so that she can give it to my sister when she goes there."

His eyes were so sad while saying this. "My Sister has gone to be with God. Daddy says that Mommy is going to see God very soon too, so I thought that she could take the doll with her to give it to my sister.''

My heart nearly stopped.

The little boy looked up at me and said: "I told daddy to tell mommy not to go yet. I need her to wait until I come back from the mall."

Then he showed me a very nice photo of him where he was laughing. He then told me "I want mommy to take my picture with her so she won't forget me."

"I love my mommy and I wish she doesn't have to leave me, but daddy says that she has to go to be with my little sister."

Then he looked again at the doll with sad eyes, very quietly.

I quickly reached for my wallet and said to the boy. "Suppose we check again, just in case you do have enough money for the doll?''

"OK" he said, "I hope I do have enough." I added some of my money to his with out him seeing and we started to count it. There was enough for the doll and even some spare money.

The little boy said: "Thank you God for giving me enough money!"

Then he looked at me and added, "I asked last night before I went to sleep for God to make sure I had enough money to buy this doll, so that mommy could give It to my sister. He heard me!''

"I also wanted to have enough money to buy a white rose for my mommy, but I didn't dare to ask God for too much. But He gave me enough to buy the doll and a white rose.''

"My mommy loves white roses."

A few minutes later, the old lady returned and I left with my basket. I finished my shopping in a totally different state from when I started. I couldn't get the little boy out of my mind.

Then I remembered a local news paper article two days ago, which mentioned a drunk man in a truck, who hit a car occupied by a young woman and a little girl.

The little girl died right away, and the mother was left in a critical state. The family had to decide whether to pull the plug on the life-sustaining machine, because the young woman would not be able to recover from the coma.

Was this the family of the little boy?

Two days after this encounter with the little boy, I read in the news paper that the young woman had passed away.

I couldn't stop myself as I bought a bunch of white roses and I went to the funeral home where the body of the young woman was exposed for people to see and make last wishes before her burial.

She was there, in her coffin, holding a beautiful white rose in her hand with the photo of the little boy and the doll placed over her chest.

I left the place, teary-eyed, feeling that my life had been changed for ever. The love that the little boy had for his mother and his sister is still, to this day, hard to imagine.

And in a fraction of a second, a drunk driver had taken all this away from him.

Now you have 2 choices:

1) Repost this message, or

2)Pretend you never saw it and prove you are cold hearted

This is really sweet...

When a girl is quiet, a million things are running through her mind.

When a girl is not arguing, she is thinking deeply.

When a girl looks at you with her eyes full of question, she is wondering how long you will be around.

When a girl answers "I'm fine." after a few seconds, she is not fine at all.

When a girl stares at you, she is wondering why you are lying.

When a girl rests her head on your chest, she is wishing for you to be her's forever.

When a girl wants to see you everday, she wants to be pampered.

When a girl says "I love you." she means it.

When a girl says "I miss you." nobody could miss you more than that.

Life only comes around once, so make sure you spend it with the right person.

Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, and calls you back when you hang up on him.

The guy who will stay awake just to watch you sleep.

Wait for the guy who kisses your forehead,

Who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats.

The one who holds your hand in front of his friends and is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you there for him.

The one who turns to his friends and declares "That's her.".

If you read this, you have to repost it, guy or girl, or you will have bad luck for the rest of your life.

If you repost this, in five minutes your true love will call or message you.

Tonight at midnight, they will realize that they love you.

Something good will happen at approximately 1:42 pm tomorrow, and it could happen anywhere.

So get ready for the biggest shock of your life.

If you don't repost this, you will be cursed with relationship problems for all of eternity.

Repost this to your profile, and spare yourself the emotional stress.

If you think Masashi Kishimoto is ruining Naruto and agree, copy this, put it in your profile, and add your name to the list. The Fifth Rider of Armageddon, Hiroshima Namikaze, Zaara the black, desuta, Reikson, D-reaper X-20, blackstardragon624, chinoodin, The Silver Blossom, RasenganFin, Raidentensho, Knives91, Kingkakashi, DarkSamuraiX1999, THE HEE-HO KING, Wirespeed91, Naruto 21, GraityTheWizard, GuyverZero, durwin, Hakkyou no Yami, VFSNAKE, Stormrunner56, Haru Kitsune, DragonMaster4381,Kauzi, The Infamous Man, Xenotoneanwarrior37, Delfim the Black kitsune mathewhicks

If you think it's weird there's so much Yaoi, copy and paste this into your profile.

My best friend is insane, if you agree or have an insane friend or you have MPD and you are your insane friend, copy and paste this on your profile.

If you ever wished you could talk to animals or be an animal, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you have ever slapped your self on the head and/or banged your head on a table for no reason put this on your profile.

If you ever threatened a computer or video game console, copy and paste this in your profile.

Repost this if you laughed...

"Everywhere we go

Everywhere we go

People wanna know

People wanna know

Who we are

Who we are

So we kill them

So we kill them

We’re Akatsuki

We’re Akatsuki

The Mighty Akatsuki

The Mighty Akatsuki

We’re GRRRRREAT!"- a Naruto fanfiction.

Mummy...Johnny brought a gun to schoolHe told his friends that it was coolAnd when he pulled the trigger backIt shot with a great crackMummy I was a good girlI did what I was toldI went to school, I got straight A's, I even got the goldBut mummy when I went to school that day, I never said goodbyeI'm sorry mummy I had to go, but mommy please don't cryWhen Johnny shot the gun he hit me and anotherAnd all because he got the gun from his older brotherMummy please tell daddy that I love him very muchAnd please tell Chris, my boyfriend, that it wasn't just a crushAnd tell my little sister that she is the only one nowAnd tell my dear sweet grandmother that I'll be waiting for her nowAnd tell my wonderful friends that they were always the bestMummy I'm not the first I'm no better than the restMummy tell my teachers I won't show up for classAnd never to forget this and please don't let this passMummy why'd it have to be me no one deserves thisMummy warn the others, mummy I left without a kissAnd mummy tell the doctors I know they really did tryI think I even saw a doctor trying not to cryMummy I'm slowly dying with a bullet in my chestBut mummy please remember I'm in heaven with the restMummy I ran as fast as I could when I heard that crackMummy listen to me if you wouldI wanted to go to collegeI wanted to try things that were newI guess I'm not going with daddyOn that trip to the new zooI wanted to get marriedI wanted to have a kidI wanted to be an actressMummy I wanted to liveBut mummy I must go nowThe time is getting lateMummy tell my ChrisI'm sorry but I had to cancel the dateI love you mummy I always haveI know you know it's trueMummy all I wanted to say is "mummy I love you"In memory of the Columbian students that were lostPlease if you wouldPass this aroundI'd be happy if you couldDon't smash this on the groundIf you pass this onMaybe people will cryJust keep this in heart

Now you have two choices1) repost and show you care

2)ignore it and you have just proven you have a low-down, cold-heart(Please just copy and paste this on to your site and show that you care)

For people that hate stereotypes: If you think people should just shut up and stop, put this on your profile. (BOLD the ones you are.)I'm SKINNY, so I MUST be anorexicI'm a NEGRO so I MUST carry a gun.I'm BLONDE, so I MUST be a ditzI'm JAMAICAN so I MUST smoke weed.I'm HAITIAN so I MUST eat cat.I'm ASIAN, so I MUST be sexy.I'm JEWISH, so I MUST be greedy.I'm GAY, so I MUST have AIDS.I'm a LESBIAN, so I MUST have a sex-tape.I'm ARAB, so I MUST be a terrorist.I SPEAK MY MIND, so I MUST be a bitch.I'm a GAY RIGHTS SUPPORTER, so I WILL go to hell.I'm a CHRISTAN, so I MUST think gay people should go to hell.I'm RELIGIOUS, so I MUST shove my beliefs down your throat.I'm ATHEIST so I MUST hate the worldI don't have a RELIGION, so I MUST be evil and have no morals.I'm REPUBLICAN, so I MUST not care about poor people.I'm DEMOCRAT, so I MUST not believe in being responsible.I am LIBERAL, so I MUST be gay.I'm SOUTHERN, so I MUST be white trash.I TAKE (or used to take) ANTI-DEPRESSANTS, so I MUST be crazyI'm a GUY, so I MUST only want to get into your pants.I'm IRISH, so I MUST have a bad drinking problem.I'm INDIAN, so I MUST own a convenient store.I'm NATIVE AMERICAN, so I MUST dance around a fire screaming like a savage.I'm a CHEERLEADER, so I MUST be a whore.I'm a DANCER, So I must be stupid, stuck up, and a whore.I wear SKIRTS a lot, so I MUST be a slut.I'm a PUNK, so I MUST do drugs.I'm RICH, so I MUST be a conceited snob.I WEAR BLACK, so I MUST be a goth or emo.I'm a WHITE GIRL, so I MUST be a nagging, steal-your-money kind of girlfriend.I'm CUBAN, so I MUST spend my spare time rolling cigars.I'm NOT A VIRGIN, so I MUST be easy.I FELL IN LOVE WITH A MARRIED MAN, so I MUST be a home-wrecking whore.I'm a TEENAGE MOM, so I MUST be an irresponsible slut.I'm POLISH, so I MUST wear my socks with my sandals.I'm ITALIAN, so I must have a "big one".I'm EGYPTIAN, so I must be a TERRORIST!I'm PRETTY, so I MUST not be a virginI HAVE STRAIGHT A'S, so I MUST have no social life.I dye my hair crazy COLORS, so I MUST be looking for attention.I DRESS IN UNUSUAL WAYS so I MUST be looking for attention.I'm INTO THEATER ART, so I MUST be a homosexual.I'm a VEGETARIAN, so I MUST be a crazy political activist.I HAVE A BUNCH OF GUY FRIENDS, so I MUST be fucking them all.I HAVE A BUNCH OF GIRLS WHO ARE FRIENDS, so I MUST be a player.I have Big BOOBS, so I MUST be a hoe.I'm COLOMBIAN, so I MUST be a drug dealer.I WEAR WHAT I WANT, so I MUST be a poser.I'm RUSSIAN, so I MUST be cool and that's how Russians roll.I'm GERMAN, so I must be a Nazi.I hang out with GAYS, so I must be GAY TOO.I'm BRAZILIAN, so I MUST have a BIG BUTT.I'm PUERTO RICAN, so I MUST look good and be conceited.I'm SALVADORIAN, so I MUST be in MS 13.I'm POLISH, so I MUST be greedy.I'm HAWAIIAN so I MUST be lazy.I'm PERUVIAN, so I MUST like llamas.Im a STONER so I MUST be going in the wrong direction.Im STRAIGHT EDGE so I must be violent.I'm a FEMALE GAMER, so I MUST be ugly.I'm BLACK so I MUST love fried chicken and kool-aid.I'm a GIRL who actually EATS LUNCH, so I MUST be fat.I'm SINGLE so I MUST be ugly.I'm a SKATER so I must do weed and steal stuffI'm a PUNK so I must only wear black and date only other punksI'm ASIAN so I must be a NERD that does HOMEWORK 24/7I'm CHRISTIAN so I MUST hate homosexuals.I'm MIXED so I must be screwed upI'm MUSLIM so I MUST be a terrorist.I'm in BAND, so I MUST be a dork.I'm BLACK so I MUST believe JESUS WUZ A BROTHAI'm MORMON so I MUST be perfectI'm WHITE and have black friends so I MUST think I'm blackI'm GOTH so I MUST worship the devil.I'm HISPANIC, so I MUST be dirty.I'm NOT LIKE EVERYONE ELSE, so I MUST be a loser.I'm OVERWEIGHT, so I MUST have a problem with self control.I'm PREPPY, so I MUST shun those who don't wear Abercrombie Hollister.I'm on a DANCE team, so I must be stupid, stuck up, and a whore.I'm YOUNG, so I MUST be naive.I'm MEXICAN, so I MUST have hopped the border.I GOT A CAR FOR MY BIRTHDAY, so I MUST be a spoiled brat.I'm BLACK, so I MUST love watermelonI'm BI, so I MUST think every person I see is hotI'm an ASIAN GUY, so I MUST have a small penis.I'm a GUY CHEERLEADER, so I MUST be gay.I'm a PREP, so I MUST be rich.I don't like the SUN so I MUST be an albino.I have a lot of FRIENDS, so I MUST love to drink and party.I wear tight PANTS and I'm a guy, so I MUST be emo.I couldn't hurt a FLY, So I MUST be a pussy.I support GAY RIGHTS, so I MUST fit in with everyone.I hang out with teenage drinkers and smokers, so I MUST smoke and drink too.I have ARTISTIC TALENT, so I MUST think little of those who don't.I don't like to be in a BIG GROUP, so I MUST be anti-social.I have a DIFFERENT sense of HUMOR, so I MUST be crazy.I tell people OFF, so I MUST be an over controlling bitch.My hair gets GREASY a lot, so I MUST have no hygiene skills.I'm DEFENSIVE, so I MUST be over controlling and a bitch.I'm a NUDIST, so I MUST want everyone to see my boobs.I read Comics, so I MUST be a loser.I hang out with a FORMER PROSTITUTE so I MUST be a whore myself.I'm TEXAN so I MUST ride a horseI’m a CROSSDRESSER, so I must be homosexual.I draw ANIME so I MUST be a freak.I am a FANGIRL so I MUST be a crazy, obsessed stalker.I'm an ONLY CHILD so I MUST be spoiled.I'm INTELLIGENT so I MUST be weakI am AMERICAN so I MUST be obese, loud-mouthed and arrogant.I'm WELSH so I MUST love sheepI'm SCOTTISH so I MUST have ginger hair and wear a skirts (It's actually called a kilt)I’m a YOUNG WRITER, so I MUST be emo.I’m CANADIAN, so I MUST talk with a funny accent.I'm a GUY, so I MUST ditch my pregnant girlfriend.I'm CANADIAN, so I MUST love hockey and beavers.I'm DISABLED, so I MUST be on Welfare.I'm a FEMINIST, so I MUST have a problem with sexuality and I want to castrate every man on the earth.I'm a TEENAGER, so I MUST have a STEREOTYPE.I WEAR A BIG SUNHAT when I go outside, so I MUST be stupid.I'm an ALBINO, so I MUST be an evil person with mental abilities and is A MURDERER!I'm ENGLISH, so I MUST speak with either a cockney or a posh accent, love tea and cricket, and have bad teeth.I’m WHITE, so I MUST be responsible for everything going wrong on the planet: past, present, and future.I don't like YAOI or YURI, so I must be a HOMOPHOBEI’m not the most POPULAR person in school, so I MUST be a loserI care about the ENVIRONMENT...I MUST be a tree hugging hippyI have a FAN CHARACTER, so I MUST be an annoying Mary-sue.I CHAT, so I MUST be having cyber sex.I'm CONSERVATIVE, so I MUST be against AbortionI'm SWEDISH so I MUST be a tall blond blue-eyed lesbian.I'm a LESBIAN so I MUST want to get with every single girl that I see.I like CARTOONS, so I MUST be IRRESPONSIBLE.I like READING, so I MUST be a LONER.I have my OWN spiritual ideology; therefore I MUST be WRONG or MISGUIDED.I am WICCAN, so I MUST be a SATANIST.I DISAGREE with my government, so I MUST be a TERRORIST.I am a WITCH, so I MUST be and OLD HAG and fly on a broomstick.I love YAOI, so I MUST be GAY.I'm a PERSON, so I MUST be LABELEDI DON'T CURSE, so I MUST be an outcastI like GAMES, ANIME and COMICS, so I MUST be childishI'm SWEDISH, therefore I MUST be WHITE.I SPOT GRAMMATICAL ERRORS, so I MUST be a pedantic bastard.I'm GOTHIC, so I MUST be mean.I’m STRONG so I MUST be stupid.I'm Australian so I MUST hunt crocodiles and talk to kangaroo’sI go to RENFAIRES, so I MUST talk weird, be a loser, and not be up with the timesI’m GAY so I’m after EVERY straight guy around.I don’t want a BOYFRIEND so I MUST be Lesbian.I'm NOT CHRISTIAN so I MUST just need converting.I love marching band, so I MUST be a friendless freak.I DRINK and SMOKE, so I MUST have no life.I am friends with a CUTTER, so I MUST be a CUTTER too.I cry easily, so I MUST be a wimp.I can't help pointing out mistakes so I MUST be an over-controlling perfectionistI'm a PERFECTIONIST so I MUST check everything ten times, then burst into tears at one mistakeI DON’T LIKE to talk about my personal life so I MUST be having problems

I'm a GIRL, so I MUST not be able to defend myself.

I sometimes say random, off-topic things, so I MUST not be paying attention.

I'm a GUY, so I must be a sex machine.

16 THINGS TO DO AT WAL-MART

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Electronics to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "'Code 3' in housewares"... and see what happens.

5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of MM's on lay away.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. Look right into the security camera use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti - depressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through say, "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "NO! NO! It's those voices again!"

15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while and then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

16. Get several bouncy balls and throw them down an aisle shouting "pikachu, I choose you!"

Repost this if you laughed...Or are planning to do any of these things

The Situation in Hell

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I go out with you", and take into account the fact that I went out with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct . . . leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A."

The Top 100 Things I'd DoIf I Ever Became An Evil Overlord

1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.

2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.

6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."

8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.

10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.

15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.

16. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."

17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.

18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.

19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.

20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.

21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.

22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.

23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.

24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)

25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.

26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.

27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.

28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.

29. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.

30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.

31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.

32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.

33. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.

34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.

35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.

36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.

37. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.

38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.

39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.

40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.

41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.

42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.

43. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.

44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.

45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.

46. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.

47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.

48. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.

49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.

50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.

51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.

52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.

53. If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.

54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.

55. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.

56. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.

57. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.

58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.

59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.

60. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.

61. If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.

62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.

63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.

64. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.

65. If I must have computer systems with publically available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.

66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.

67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.

68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.

69. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.

70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.

71. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.

72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.

73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.

74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.

75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.

76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)

77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutentant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.

78. I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."

79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.

80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.

81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.

82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.

83. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.

84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.

85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."

86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.

87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.

88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.

89. After I captures the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.

90. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.

91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.

92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)

93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.

94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.

95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.

96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.

97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.

98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.

99. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.

100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.

This Evil Overlord List is Copyright 1996-1997 by Peter Anspach. If you enjoy it, feel free to pass it along or post it anywhere, provided that (1) it is not altered in any way, and (2) this copyright notice is attached.