Only way to shut off the voice inside her head. If she just didn't engage at all. But she couldn't rid herself of the sick feeling in her stomach, the one that had followed her around since the day she was kicked out of school. Something was very wrong with her life, and she could only see the outline of it, like a ghost she could catch a glimpse of only out of the corner of her eye. How had it all come to this? She sat on the edge of the bed and stared out the window into the misty blue horizon. Shana Gus, she said to herself. What on earth are you going to do now? 4 THE SAND DANCE Shana woke up the next morning feeling so anxious it was like she was choking. She began to look around the cabin, fumbling through her things. She knew what she best sex toys was looking for, and what a bad idea it was. A phone. She had the burner phones, but if she used one, David would know she had planned all of this, and there was no predicting what he would do then. He would never take her back, though, that was certain. She stopped with her hands on the table and looked out the window. What are you thinking, Shana? she asked herself. You don't want him back, remember? But even if you get away from David, even if you start again, what are you doing here? They're right. You never knew how to take care of yourself. Shana stopped and forced herself to look around. The surf was rough. Waves jostled against each other for a chance to approach best sex toys the beach below. Don't you dare go out there, she thought. He'll find you in minutes. No, she said. No more of this fear! Shana grabbed her jacket from its best sex toys peg and put it on. She took her cap and her sunglasses from the shelf, and went to the bathroom to tuck her long hair up into the hat. That's right, she said. No makeup. David wouldn't know you if he saw you face to face. He never even saw you without mascara. Bare red eyelashes made her best sex toys eyes look startled and tired. Her skin was beginning to sag at the jawline, despite only being in her late twenties. She knew the face well, but it was too pale. Too fat. Too old. Hideous. Deformed. She turned away and squeezed past the stove to return to the main room. Shana pushed open the door, latched it behind her, and leaned against the cabin, looking up into the wide white sky. She sighed. A seagull was circling over the house, a different kind than they had back in New York. It looked tougher, browner, and more expansive up there in the air. At least out here, I don't have to look at myself, she said to the bird. Will you watch over me here? The bird looked down at her, and it seemed to nod. Blushing, she hurried across the dirt turnaround and down the tiny footpath by the picnic table to the beach. The sand spilled into Shana's shoes by the time she reached the shore. There she took them off and held them in one hand. Up the beach she saw breakers rolling in, the radar tower on the cliff by the harbor. The fog bell was still ringing out slowly over the harbor. South, the waves went on and on until the coast curved and took them out of her sight. Houses dotted the coast,