Sup

My name:Veronica

My age:Not telling

I Love:FOOD

94% of people think that wolves are vicious, evil animals. Copy and paste this into your profile if you're one of the 6% who love wolves and think they are shy and amazing creatures.

Zodiac

AQUARIUS - The Slut (1/20-2/18) Great talker. Attractive and passionate. Laid back. Knows how to Have fun. Is really good at almost anything. Great kisser. Unpredictable. Outgoing. Down to earth. Addictive. Attractive. Loud. Loves being in long relationships. Talkative. Not one to mess with. Rare to find. Good when found. 7 years of bad luck if you do not repost.

PISCES - The Addict (2/19-3/20) EXTREMELY adorable. Intelligent. Loves to joke. Very Good sense of humor. Energetic. Predict future. GREAT kisser. Always get what they want. Attractive. Easy going. Loves being in long relationship. Talkative. Romantic. Caring. 4 years of bad luck if you do not repost.

LEO - The Cool One (7/23-8/22) Nice to everyone they meet. Their Love is one of a kind. Silly, Fun and sweet. Have own unique appeal. Most caring person you'll ever meet! Very beautiful. Amazing. however not the kind of person you wanna mess with... u might end up crying... 9 years of bad luck if you do not repost.

CANCER - The Smart One. (6/22-7/22) Trustworthy. Attractive. Great kisser. One of a kind. Loves being In long-term relationships. Extremely energetic. Unpredictable. Will exceed your expectations. Not a Fighter, But will Knock your lights out. 2 years of bad luck if you do not repost.

ARIES- The Irresistible One (3/21-4/19) Nice Love is one of a kind. Great listeners Very Good in bed... Lover not a fighter, but will still knock you out. Trustworthy. Always happy. Loud. Talkative. Outgoing VERY FORGIVING. Loves to make out. Has a beautiful smile. Generous. Strong. THE MOST IRRESISTIBLE. 9 years of bad luck if you do not repost.

SAGITTARIUS-The One that Waits (11/22-12/21) Dominant in relationships. Someone loves them right now. Always Wants the last word. Caring. Smart. Loud. Loyal. Beautiful. Goofy. Easy to talk to. Everything you ever wanted. Easy to please. The one and only. 7 Years of bad luck if you do not repost.

TAURUS- The Aggressive One (4/20-5/20) MOST AMAZING KISSER. Very high appeal. Love is one of a kind. Very romantic. Most caring person you will ever meet! Entirely creative. Extremely random and proud of it. Freak. Spontaneous. Great at telling Stories. Not a Fighter, But will Knock your lights out if it comes down to it. Someone you should hold on to. 12 years of bad luck if you do not repost.

LIBRA - The Partner for Life (9/23-10/22) Caring and kind. Smart. Center of attention. High appeal. Has the last word. Good to find, hard to keep. Fun to be around. Extremely weird but in a good way. Good Sense of Humor!! Thoughtful. Always gets what he or she wants. Loves to joke. Very popular. Silly, fun and sweet. 5 years of bad luck if you do not repost.

CAPRICORN - The Cute One (12/22-1/19) Love to bust. Nice. Sassy. Intelligent. EXTREMELY SEXY. Predict future. Irresistible. Loves being in long relationships. Has lots of friends. Great talker. Always gets what he or she wants. Also not a fighter, but if they have to, they will also knock the lights out of you if it comes down to it..Cool. Loves to own Geminis' in sports. Extremely fun. Loves to joke. Smart. 24 years of bad luck if you do not repost.

SCORPIO - The Gorgeous One (10/23-11/21) Loves being in long relationships. Likes to give a good fight for what they want. Extremely outgoing. Loves to help people in times of need. Best kisser. Good personality. Stubborn. Amazing in bed. A caring person. One of a kind.Gorgeous Smile.Not one to mess with. Are the most attractive people on earth! 15 years of bad luck if you do not repost.

VIRGO- The Promiscuous One (8/23-9/22) Spontaneous. High appeal. Rare to find. Great when found. Loves being in long relationships. So much love to give. Not one to mess with. Very pretty. Very romantic. Nice to everyone they meet. Their Love is one of a kind. Silly, fun and sweet. Have own unique appeal. Most caring person you will ever meet! Amazing in the you know where..!! Not the kind of person you wanna mess with- you might end up crying. 4 years of bad luck if you do not repost.

GEMINI - The Liar (5/21-6/21) Outgoing. Lovable. Spontaneous. Not one to mess with. Funny. Excellent kisser EXTREMELY adorable. Loves relationships, Addictive. Loud. 16 years of bad luck if you do not repost.

Months

JANUARY: Stubborn and hard-headed. Ambitious and serious. Loves to teach and be taught. Always looking at people's flaws and weaknesses. Likes to criticize. Hardworking and productive. Smart, neat and organized. Sensitive and has deep thoughts. Knows how to make others happy. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Rather reserved. Highly attentive. Resistant to illnesses but prone to colds. Romantic but has difficulties expressing love. Loves children. Loyal. Has great social abilities yet easily jealous. Very stubborn and money cautious.

FEBRUARY: Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and clever. Changing personality. Attractive. Sexy. Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble. Honest and loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted. Loves aggressiveness. Too sensitive and easily hurt. Gets angry really easily but does not show it. Dislikes unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely shows it. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizes dreams and hopes. Sharp. Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not outside. Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift. Tries to learn to show emotions.

MARCH: Attractive personality. Sexy. Affectionate. Shy and reserved. Secretive. Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic. Loves peace and serenity. Sensitive to others. Loves to serve others. Easily angered. Trustworthy. Appreciative and returns kindness. Observant and assesses others. Revengeful. Loves to dream and fantasize. Loves traveling. Loves attention. Hasty decisions in choosing partners. Loves home decors. Musically talented. Loves special things. Moody.

APRIL: Active and dynamic. Decisive and hasty but tends to regret. Attractive and affectionate to oneself. Strong mentality. Loves attention. Diplomatic. Consoling, friendly and solves people's problems. Brave and fearless. Adventurous. Loving and caring. Suave and generous. EmotionalAggressive. Hasty. Good memory. Moving. Motivates oneself and others. Sickness usually of the head and chest. Sexy in a way that only their lover can see.

MAY: Stubborn and hard-headed. Strong-willed and highly motivated. Sharp thoughts. Easily angered. Attracts others and loves attention. Deep feelings. Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm Standpoint. Needs no motivation. Easily consoled. Systematic (left brain). Loves to dream. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding. Sickness usually in the ear and neck. Good imagination. Good physical. Weak breathing. Loves literature and the arts. Loves traveling. Dislike being at home. Restless. Not having many children. Hardworking. High spirited. Spendthrift.

JUNE: Thinks far with vision. Easily influenced by kindness. Polite and soft-spoken. Having ideas. Sensitive. Active mind. Hesitating, tends to delay (Why there aren't many stories are up). Choosy and always wants the best. Temperamental. Funny and humorous. Loves to joke. Good debating skills. Talkative. Daydreamer Friendly. Knows how to make friends. Able to show character. Easily hurt. Prone to getting colds. Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldom shows emotions. Takes time to recover when hurt. Brand conscious. Executive. Stubborn.

JULY: Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people's feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets. Dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studying. Loves to be alone. Always broods about the past and the old friends. Likes to be quiet. Homely person. Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Prone to having stomach and dieting problems. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover.

AUGUST: Loves to joke. Attractive. Suave and caring. Brave and fearless. Firm and has leadership qualities. Knows how to console others. Too generous and egoistic. Takes high pride in oneself. Thirsty for praises. Extraordinary spirit. Easily angered. Angry when provoked. Easily jealous. Observant. Careful and cautious. Thinks quickly. Independent thoughts. Loves to lead and to be led.Loves to dream. Talented in the arts, music and defense Sensitive but not petty. Poor resistance against illnesses. Learns to relax. Hasty and trusty. Romantic. Loving and caring. Loves to make friends.

SEPTEMBER: Suave and compromising. Careful, cautious and organized. Likes to point out people's mistakes. Likes to criticize. Stubborn. Quiet but able to talk well. Calm and cool. Kind and sympathetic. Concerned and detailed. Loyal but not always honest. Does work well.Very confidentSensitive. Good memory. Clever and knowledgeable. Loves to look for information. Must control oneself when criticizing. Able to motivate oneself. Understanding. Fun to be around. Secretive. Loves leisure and traveling. Hardly shows emotions. Tends to bottle up feelings. Very choosy, especially in relationships. Systematic.

OCTOBER: Loves to chat. Loves those who loves them. Loves to take things at the center(I don't really get that one... I'll just leave it blank) . Inner and physical beauty. Lies but doesn't pretend. Gets angry often. Treats friends importantly. Always making friends. Easily hurt but recovers easily. Daydreamer. Opinionated.Does not care of what others think. Emotional. Decisive Strong clairvoyance. Loves to travel, the arts and literature. Touchy and easily jealous. Concerned. Loves outdoors. Just and fair. Spendthrift. Easily influenced. Easily loses confidence. Loves children.

NOVEMBER: Has a lot of ideas. Difficult to fathom. Thinks forward. Unique and brilliant. Extraordinary ideas. Sharp thinking. Fine and strong clairvoyance. Can become good doctors. Dynamic in personality. Secretive. Inquisitive. Knows how to dig secrets. Always thinking. Less talkative but amiable. Brave and generous. Patient. Stubborn and hard-hearted. If there is a will, there is a way. Determined. Never give up. Hardly becomes angry unless provoked. Loves to be alone. Thinks differently from others. Sharp-minded. Motivates oneself. Does not appreciate praises. High-spirited. Well-built and tough. Deep love and emotions. Romantic. Uncertain in relationships. Homely. Hardworking. High abilities. Trustworthy. Honest and keeps secrets. Not able to control emotions. Unpredictable.

DECEMBER: Loyal and generous. Sexy. Patriotic. Active in games and interactions. Impatient and hasty. Ambitious. Influential in organizations Fun to be with. Loves to socialize. Loves praises. Loves attention. Loves to be loved. Honest and trustworthy. Not pretending. Short tempered. Changing personality. Not egotistic. Take high pride in oneself. Hates restrictions. Loves to joke. Good sense of humor. Logical.

About six years ago in Indiana, Carmen Winstead was pushed down a sewer opening by five girls in her school, trying to embarrass her in front of her school during a fire drill. When she didn't submerge, the police were called. They went down and brought up 17-year-old Carmen Winstead's body, with her neck broken from hitting the ladder, then the concrete at the bottom. The girls told everyone that she fell...and they believed them.

THEY HURT HER

FACT: About two months later, 16-year-old David Gregory read this post but didn't repost it. When he went to take a shower, he heard laughter, started freaking out, and ran to his computer to repost it. He said goodnight to his mom and went to sleep, but five hours later, his mom woke up in the middle of the night from a loud noise and David was gone. A few hours later, the police found him in the sewer, with a broken neck and the skin on his face peeled off.

Even Google her name - you'll find this to be true.

If you don't repost saying "They hurt her," then Carmen will get you, either from a sewer, the toilet, the shower, or when you go to sleep, you'll wake up in the sewer, in the dark, then Carmen will come and kill you.

On December 24th, 2006 at 8:00 in the morning, a 14-year-old boy by the name of Scott Jackson was found dead. Doctors couldn't come up with the cause of his death. His mother checked his e-mails to see if she could figure out what happened. Turns out he was still signed into his Yahoo e-mail account. She found he had gone to sleep after he read and didn't send a chain letter about a little girl who kills you in your sleep with no natural cause of death. This is the e-mail she read: My name is Ofelia Heras. I'm 16 years old. I'm a murderer. I have no face. When you look at me you'll die immediately. You have 900 seconds to repost this onto your profile or I will visit you tonight.

Pick the month you were born in-

January I killed
February I smelled
March I ran naked
with April I jumped
May I ate
June I shot
July I danced with A
August I loved
September I kissed
October I robbed
November I slapped
December I stabbed

-Pick the day you were born on-

1 A banana
2 A homeless guy
3 A house
4 A mop
5 Barney the dinosaur
6 A sock
7 A stripper
8 My lover
9 My teacher
10 An iPod
11 A movie star
12 A phone
13 An angel
14 A drunk guy
15 A crack head
16 A pillow
17 A cat
18 A teletubby
19 A hobo
20 Paris Hilton
21 A dog
22 A bird
23 Elmo
24 A rock star
25 My toothbrush
26 A glass of milk
27 The kool-aid man
28 A French fry
29 A lesbian
30 An emo
31 A snowman

-Pick the color of the shirt you wearing-

White Because a hoe stole my taco.
Black Because the voices told me to.
Pink Because I wanted to.
Red Because I’m bringing sexy back!
Brown because I’m on crack.
Polka dots Because insanity is fun!
Purple cuz I’m gangsta my home skillett and biscutz.
Gray because I’m cool like dat
Green Because big bird told me to.
Orange Because I know kung-fu.
Maroon because I’m a good girl.
Turquoise Because I was chasing the leprechaun.
Blue Because that’s how I roll!
Tye dye because I’m a freaking scuba diver you got a problem with that? Didn’t think so!
Yellow Because the hippies kidnapped me in the middle of the night.
None Because The aliens did experiments on me.

-Now read it all together and laugh at yourself! Repost this as what you are...

I ran naked A pillow Because that’s how I roll! xD

HEHE

95% of teens would cry if they saw the Jonas Brothers at the top of a skyscraper about to jump. Copy and paste this if you are part of the 5% that would sit there with popcorn and a camera and yell "DO A FLIP!!!

If Justin Bieber shaved his head bald, 95% of girls would cry. Copy and paste this if you are the 5% running up and down the street screaming YES!!!!!!!!!!!!

98% of Girls would cry if Justin Bieber dissapeared off the face of the Earth. Post this on your page if you are one of the 2% that would run around the house screaming: "Yay! I'll never have to hear his irritating voice ever again!"

98% of the girls in the world would die if Robert Pattinson was kidnapped. 1.9% of them would be laughing their socks off. 0.1% of them would be snickering and poking their new hostage with a stick.

90 percent of teens would have a breakdown if Miley Cyrus was standing on the edge of a 6 story building. Copy and paste this if you'd be one of the 10 percent yelling jump bitch!

92% of American teens would die if Abercombie and Fitch told them it was 'uncool' to breath. Copy this into your profile if you would be in the 8% laughing their heads off at the others.

If you believe in Jesus Christ put this in your profile and don't just ignore this, because in the Bible it says if you deny me, I will deny you in front of my Father in the gates of Heaven.

Even when you can't see Him, GOD is there! if you believe in GOD put this in your profile.

96 percent of teens won't stand up for Christ. If you are one of the 4 percent that will, copy and paste this in your profile!

If you have ever tripped over air, copy this into your profile.

If you have ever pushed on a door that said pull or vise versa copy this into your profile

Weird is good, strange is bad, and odd is when you don't know which to call someone. Weird is the same as different, which is the same as unique, than weird is good. If you are weird and proud of it, copy this onto your profile!

If you have ever tripped over your own feet, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you hate those obnoxious snobby people, PLEASE copy this into your profile.

If there are times when you wanna annoy people just for the heck of it, copy this into your profile.

If you have ever had a mad laughing fit for absolutely no reason, copy this into your profile

If you have your own little world, copy this into your profile.

If you have ever been watching a T.V show, and when the comercials came on you forgot what you were watching copy this into your profile

If you have ever run into a tree, copy this to your profile!

If you have ever said something that had nothing to do with your current conversation, copy and paste this into your profile!

If you are insane copy and paste this into your profile.

If you have broke out in tears for no reason, and then laughed while still crying copy and paste this onto your profile!!

If you are crazed and proud of it copy and paste this onto your profile

Being unique is thinking outside the box, reading between the lines, coloring out of pictures, dancing to the tune of your own drummer, and having a heck of a better good time than other people. If you're unique, copy and paste this in your profile.

30 percent of kids go to college. The other 70 either drop-out or don't have the proper skills to. If you're on of the 30 percent that you know you're going to go to college, copy and paste this into your profile.

Ninjas and pirates are complete opposites. Ninjas are all sneaky-like, while pirates are all 'GIMME YER RUM! GAAAH

If you have ever been so obsessed with something that now everyone is scared of you because of its effects copy this into your profile.

If you have ever laughed maniacally, choked and/or gagged from lack of oxygen, and then fainted dramatically, copy and paste this onto onto your profile

If you've ever slapped yourself and/or banged your head on a table for no reason copy and paste this onto your profile

A good friend will bail you out of jail, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying "damn that was fun".

If you've been on the computer for hours on end, reading numerous fan-fictions, copy this into your profile.

If you'd prefer having an anime boy as your boyfriend then some one in real life, copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you talk to yourself, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you have an odd sort of love/hate relationship with your computer, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you are obsessed with fan-fiction copy this into your profile.

If you know someone who needs to get ran over, copy and paste this into your profile.

True

Girls

are like apples on trees.

The best ones are at the top of the tree.

The boys don't want to reach for the good ones

because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt.

Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground

that aren't as good, but easy. So the apples at the top

think something is wrong with them, when in reality,

they're amazing. They just have to wait for

the right boy to come along, the one

who's brave enough

to climb all the way to the top of the tree

Pick Up Lines: Comebacks

Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Hiding from you.

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put u and i together
Woman: Really, I'd put f and u together

Man: Your eyes they're amazing.
Woman: Seeing your back would be pretty amazing

Man: If being sexy was a crime, I'll have to arrest you.
Woman: Good thing my dad's an attorney.

Man: I'd like to call you. What's your number?
Woman: It's in the phone book.

Man: But I don't know your name.
Woman: That's in the phone book, too.

"I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no way Paper can beat Rock. Is Paper supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? If so, why can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody, a rock would tear that crap up in two seconds. When I play rock/ paper/ scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my ready made fist and say, oh, I'm sorry, I thought paper would protect you, asshole!" Unknown

“I have a life, I just choose not to use it.”

“I’m a bomb technician. If you see me running, try to keep up.”

“Last night I was looking up at the stars wondering… WHERE THE HECK IS MY CEILING?”

“Sanity? Why would I want something as useless as that?"

“Labels are for cans, and in case you haven't noticed, I'm not a can!”

“Education is important, school however, is another matter.”

“Don't hate yourself in the morning--sleep till noon.”

“You laugh now because you're older than me by mere months, but when you're 30 and I'm still 29, who will be laughing then?”

“Aren't the 'good things that come to those who wait' just the leftovers from the people that got there first?”

“We are not retreating… we are advancing in another direction.”

“I’m right ninety-seven percent of the time. Who cares about the other four percent?”

“If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.”

“Of course I'm out of my mind! It's dark and scary in there!”

“If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished.”

“Whoever said nothing is impossible, never tried slamming a revolving door…”

“If at first you don't succeed, blame it on bad parenting.”

“Silence is golden, duct tape is silver.”

“Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us how to walk and talk, then the rest of our lives telling us to sit down and shut up.”

“Always forgive your enemies--Nothing annoys them more.”

“Don’t mess with me; I've got a stick.”

“There are three kinds of people in the world; people who can count; and people who can’t.”

“Evening News is where they begin with "Good Evening" then proceed to tell you why it isn't.”

“I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.”

“I was gifted, but the psychiatrist took away my powers.”

“You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder.”

“Don’t knock on death’s door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that.”

When life throws you lemons, throw a brick back.”

“When someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown about it, but it only takes 2 muscles to extend your arm and punch the crap out of them."

“Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.”

"Never say 'Things couldn't get any worse.' God takes that as a personal challenge."

"The light at the end of the tunnel is the train coming."

"Do not use an ax to kill a fly on your friends' head."

"I ran into my ex the other day, then I put the car in reverse and ran over her again."

“Some people are like Slinkies. They're really good for nothing. But they still really bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs."

"Flying is simple. You just throw yourself at the ground and miss."

“Taste the rainbow--eat CRAYONS!!!"

"The spontaneous rally will begin at 1:45."

"Please Note: CHRISTMAS IS CANCELED. Apparently you told Santa that you've been good this year… he died laughing."

"Don't walk in my footsteps. I walk into walls." (this is true for me…)

"If you wish on a falling star it might come true...unless it's a meteor hurdling to earth...then no wishes come true...unless your wish was to be killed a meteor hurdling to earth."

“Me, Myself, and I are fighting. I got mad at Myself, and Me got mad at I so now Me, Myself and I are sitting it opposite of my brain. Please help me.”

“There’s a dark cloud over my head, so I’m praying; ‘Lord, please don’t send lightning.’"

“It’s not dead until you poke it with a stick.”

“There are too many wishes, and not enough stars.”

“Either snow it up for a snow day or don’t snow at all!”

“Facebook is like a refrigerator. You check it when you’re bored but nothing ever changes.”

Gotta go. I’m not really going anywhere, but neither is this conversation.”

“I cry, I feel better. Then I remember why I’m crying and cry harder.”

“I do know, I just don’t feel like telling you!”

“RIP: Spongebob, who died in the oil spill caused by BP.”

“Stop drop and roll doesn't work in hell.”

“Santa Claus is a creeper. He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake, he knows if you've been bad or good, he comes down your chimney in the middle of the night with a giant sack of toys--see what I mean?”

“I have six locks on my door. Whenever I go out I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they’re always locking three.”

“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”

“It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.”

“He's turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable. Now he's miserable and depressed.”

“When somebody tells you nothing is impossible, ask him to dribble a football.”

“A great name for a new country song: If I'd Shot You Sooner, I'd Be Out of Jail by Now.”

“Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.”

“I learned law so well. The day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.”

“Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.”

“Who says nothing is impossible. I've been doing nothing for years.”

“If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?”

“It takes a couple seconds to say ‘Hello’, but forever to say ‘Goodbye’.”

“If you're going through hell, keep going.”

“I wanna be just like Barbie; that bitch has everything!”

“You can’t spell slaughter without laughter.”

“To the world, you are one person. But to one person, you are the world.”

“Would you like a side of epic with that fail?”

“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.”

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.”

“Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn't find anyone to copy it from.”

“When I was kidnapped my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.”

“There are worse things than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?”

“What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case I definitely overpaid for my carpet

“There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.”

“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them, and you have their shoes.”

“The human brain starts working the moment you are born and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.”

“Knowing is half the battle. The other half is punching someone in the face.”

“I think crime pays. The hours are good, you travel a lot.”

“I hope life isn't a joke, because I don’t get it.”

“Most people are only alive because it’s illegal to shoot them.”

“Some say the glass is half empty; some say the glass is half full. I say, “are you gonna drink that?”

“All people have the right to stupidity. Some abuse the privilege.”

“Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?”

“They say no one is perfect. Well, I’m no one.”

“Never argue with an idiot. They’ll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.”

“Alright everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.”

“Always end the name of your child with a vowel, that way, when you yell, the name will carry.”

“Between two evils, I always pick the one I haven’t tried before.”

“Cross country skiing is great if you have a small country.”

“Never forget Mother’s Day, or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad’s Third Wife Day.”

“Get your facts straight, then distort them as you please.”

“Housework can’t kill you, but why take the chance?”

“I knew I was an unwanted baby when my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”

“I wear a necklace ‘cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.”

“I’m not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started with twenty-eight years ago.”

"By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you deleted and blocked! You may now kiss my ass!"

"If you don’t want a sarcastic answer, then don’t ask a stupid question."

"You think I’m screwed up? You should meet the rest of my family!"

"The shit you heard about me might be real… Then again it might be as fake as the bitch who told you."

"Money can’t buy you happiness, but somehow crying in a Porsche is a lot more comforting than crying on a bicycle."

"Forgive your enemy, but remember the fucker’s name."

"Help a man when he is in trouble, and he will remember you next time he is in trouble."

“Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but neither does milk."

"Three out of two people have trouble with fractions."

"We’re the kind of people who laugh at a joke three times. The first time, when it’s told. The second, when someone explains it. The third, five minutes later when we actually get it."

"Pain doesn't hurt when it’s all you've ever felt."

"We’re not sarcastic - We’re hilarious. We’re not annoying - We’re just cooler than you. We’re not mean - We just don’t like you. And we’re not obsessed - We’re just best friends."

"We live in an age where pizza gets to your home before the police."

"The world is going to hell, and I am driving the bus."

"Three a.m. phone call. 'Hey are you sleeping…?' '“No. I’m skydiving.' "

"I didn't fall. The floor just needed a hug."

"If you can’t convince them, confuse them."

"If Google didn't exist, we’d all be screwed."

"I survived Y2K, Bird Flu, Mad Cow Disease, 9/11, and Swine Flu. 2012, bring it on!"

"They keep saying the right person will come along… I think a truck hit mine!"

"We’ll be friends until we’re old and senile. Then we’ll be NEW friends!"

"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns left."

"Having children is hereditary. If your parents never had children, odds are you won’t either."

"A classic is a book that is much praised, but rarely read."

"My mom never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."

"We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public."

"The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."

"If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments."

"How is it one careless match to start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?"

"I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I going to blame you."

"The main reason Santa’s so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live."

"It’s not the fall that kills you; it’s the sudden stop at the end."

"My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too."

"I don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die."

"After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF!"

"Haiku's are easy. But sometimes they don’t make sense. Refrigerator."

"There are three kinds of people: The ones who learn by reading. The ones who learn by observation. And then there's the ones who have to touch fire to learn that it’s hot."

"Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?"

"What is the most important thing to learn in chemistry? Never lick the spoon."

"How do you get a sweet, little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet, little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!"

"Don’t piss me off! I’m running out of places to hide the bodies!"

"I tried to hang myself with a bungee chord. I kept almost dying."

"Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture."

"One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor."

"What's he doing?!"
"I think he's singing..."
"Yeah, I once heard an animal make that sound, but when they rolled him over he was dead."