![]() If you don't have a problem with homosexuality, copy this into your profile: 1) Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, liposuction and air conditioning. 2) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall. 3) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract. 4) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal. 5) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Brittany Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed. 6) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children. 7) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children. (So where did the gay people come from...) 8) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America. 9) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children. 10) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans... Funny Stuff (Warning: this section is really long): In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual labels on consumer goods: On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (that's the only time I have to work on my hair though.) On a bag of Fritos! ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?) On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how...?) On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but it's just a suggestion.) On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (too late! You lose!) On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (and you thought...?) On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?) (whose body?) On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (we could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.) On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because...?) On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?) On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.) On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (who keeps putting nuts in my can of salt!?) On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?) On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.) On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands." (...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?) (raise your hand if you tried this...) On a countertop grill: "Do not put in oven." (well then how am I supposed to make twice-baked potatoes?) All the different lines Minerva McGonagall has made students write: "If Death Eaters are attacking Hogsmeade I will not point at the sky and shout TO THE BAT MOBILE!" "I will not tell everyone that I overheard my sister saying, "So I was like, 'Avada Kadavra!' and he was like, 'Dead.'" "I will not ask Harry if his scar senses are tingling." "I will not call Draco Malfoy the amazing...bouncing...Ferret." "Remus Lupin does NOT want a flea collar." "Nor does he appreciate any jokes about his time of the month." "I am not authorized to negotiate a peace treaty with Voldemort." "The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball." "I will not say 'dude, get a life' to the Dark Lord." "I will not ask Professor Snape why he stole Batman's cape." "I am not allowed to take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter." "I will not scare the Arithmancy students with my calculus book." "Seamus Finnigan is not after me lucky charms." "I will not spread rumors saying, 'When Voldemort goes to bed he checks his closet for Mrs. Weasley.' " "I will not tell Penelope Clearwater that Percy wouldn't recognize a joke if it danced naked in front of him wearing Dobby's tea cozy." "I will not sing "We're off to see the wizard!" when sent to the headmasters office." "I will not send You-Know-Who a letter saying, 'I have eight Horcruxes, take that Voldy!' " "I will not bring a magic eight ball to Divination class." "Nor will I bring fortune cookies." "If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of the situation and draw a Dark Mark on their arm." "I am not allowed to make lightsaber sounds with my wand." "I am not to refer to the Accio charm as 'The Force.'" "Professor Flitwick's name is not Yoda." "Despite my personal beliefs, Quidditch would not be improved by the introduction of muggle firearms." "Though they are doubtless more athletic, battle-axes are not acceptable either." "House elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers." "I will stop referring to showering as 'Giving Moaning-Myrtle an eye-full.'" "I am not allowed to introduce Peeves to paintballing." "I will not follow potions instructions in reverse order just to see what happens." "I am not a 'ninja sent here by Lord Voldemort to destroy Harry Potter' and should stop shouting this at meal times." "I will not give Hagrid Pokemon cards and convince him that they are real animals." "The Maurader's Map is not to be used for stalking purposes." "I will not dress up as Voldemort for Halloween." "If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for more than 15 seconds, I will assume that I am not allowed to use it." "I will not teach the house-elves to impersonate Paris Hilton." "Nor will I teach them to impersonate Jar Jar Binks." "I will not yell 'Hey look It's Lord Voldemort!' at Hogsmeade." "It is not necessary to yell 'BAM!' every time I Apparate." "I will not tell Hermione to S.P.E.W again." "I will not start every potion's class by asking Snape if the potion is acceptable as Body Lotion." "42 is not the answer to every question on the O.W.L.S." Teen Commandments 1. Thou shalt not sneak out when parents are sleeping... Why wait that long? 2. Thou shalt not do drugs... Alcohol lasts longer, not to mention being cheaper. 3. Thou shalt not steal from K-Mart... Wal-Mart has a bigger selection. 4. Thou shalt not be arrested for vandalism... Destruction has a bigger effect, I can tell you all about this. 5. Thou shalt not steal from your parents... Everyone knows grandma has more money. 6. Thou shalt not get into fights... Cat fight anyhow...just start them. 7. Thou shalt not skip class... Just take the whole day off! 8. Thou shalt not wear revealing clothes in class... Hooters pays more. 9. Thou shalt not think about having sex... Like Nike says, "just do it". 10. Thou shalt not help old ladies across the street... Just leave 'em in the middle! When Life Gives you Lemons, Make Lemonade! When life gives you mayonnaise... throw it back and say, "B!TCH I ASKED FOR LEMONS!!" When life gives you lemons throw them back and demand vodka. When life gives you vodka, call all of your friends for a party. When life gives you lemons, it wants you to make lemonade. When life gives you apples, its trying to scare your doctor away. When life gives you lemons, call him a pervert and ask if he reads fanfiction. When life gives you oranges, ask what is with his obsession with citruses. When life gives you lemons, it wants you to make lemonade. When life gives you oranges, it wants you to make orange juice. When life gives you apples, it want you to make apple juice. And when life gives you grapes, it wants you to get drunk. When life life throws you lemons and it hits you in the eye, tell everyone you know "life is a bitch" When life chucks lemons at you and hit hits you where it really hurts, squish the lemons and tell everyone, "life hurts you where it hurts you most" When life gives you lemons, cut them up and squeeze it in your water and plant the leftovers seeds. It will grow into a tree eventually! When life gives you lemons, squirt lemon juice in someone's eyes. When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. When life gives me lemons, I squirt lemon juice in life’s eyes. When life gives you lemons you make grape juice , then sit back and let the world wonder how in the seven hells you did it. When life gives you lemons, thank them and make some lemonade. When life gives you lemons, giggle like the fangirl you are and wink suggestively at life. When life gives you lemons, you mail them back in a package along with a "mysterious ticking noise". When life gives you lemons, you burn life's house down. OKAY!! Who is this LIFE and why is he throwing stuff at People? It probably Hurts!! Of course it does! And repost this if you hate Life (and add your own quote to |