![]() Hi everyone whats up??? Pen Name: cookie stealing kitty ( i luv kitties) About me: I tend to be a nice person to people and being overly optimistic to the people i don't like because it bugs them( seriously its worth it, hehe i'm evil :P). I love reading fanfiction but i haven't written anything. I have a few ideas for some fanfics so I might be posting some stories some time soon, hopefully... Anyways on with this... :D Like... reading, playing random video games at random times, a plethora of different fandoms(rise of the guardians, 9, dbz, spirited away, How to train your dragon, megamind, howl's moving castle, legend of zelda ocarina of time, mulan, cloudy with a chance of meatballs, treasure planet, dr who, and probably some more that i just don't remember right now)!!!:D, hanging out with my friends, coldplay, OneRepublic, and a bunch of other things... oh oh oh and LAUGHING and i especially like reading good, well-written fanfictions!!!:P Dislikes... pink eww i mean pink is somewhat tolerable as long as its not hot pink ( though the exception has to be P!nk the singer) bitchy, annoying people who think that they are the best thing in the world( seriously these type of people should get ran over by a bus or something ) Ganondork, Zeniba, azula, dark link, and many others that don't even deserve to be remembered, Yay!!! now i get to put copy and paste stuff!:D I pledge allegiance to the Internet and to the principle of end-to-end connectivity for which it stands. One network, under construction, with liberty and access for all. A friend helps you up when you fall a best friend continues walking while saying, "Walk much dumbass?" Friends will always be like "well you deserve better" but best friends will be prank calling him saying, "you will die in seven days". A good friend bails you out of jail. A great friend is sitting there next to you saying "Man, that was fun!" Good friends will share their umbrella. Best friends will take yours and say "RUN, BEEP, RUN" Good friends will wipe your tears when you're rejected. Best friends will go up to him and say "It's because you're gay, isn't it?" Diamonds are precious and so are pearls, but nothing is better then me and my girls. Enemies stab you in front, friends stab you in the back, boy stab you in the heart, but best friends are there to stab those meanies right back. Between two evils, I always pick the one I've never tried. Don't be mean to nerds. One day you'll end up working for one. If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. The evening news is where they say "Good Evening" and then proceed to tell you that it isn't one. There's nothing wrong with arguing with yourself. It's when you argue with yourself and LOSE when its weird. If you're a proud stalker and obsessed love-struck of Edward Anthony Masen Cullen, be proud. You’re now mass-produced. If you are addicted to vampires and would like to become one you are not alone. The electric chair was invented by a dentist, if you are scared now more than ever of dentists by learning this fact, get a life! If several inanimate objects hate you join my club. We all hate desks, tress, chairs, benches, and other wood stuffs. Weird is good, strange is bad, and odd is when you don't quite know which to call someone. Weird is the same as different, which is the same as unique, which makes weird good. If you truly believe there is an Edward Cullen somewhere for you get real. He is mine! If you are a person who acts friendly but who has an evil mind and is secretly plotting world domination, join the fun. If you support the "Make Edward change Bella into a vampire" club let’s have fun. If you haven't died yet, join the living for a party. Runtime error 6D at 417A:32CF: incompetent user. The world is coming to an end. Please log off. It said: "For Windows 95 or better" but it wouldn't work on my Linux. If it happens once, it's a bug. If it happens twice, it's a feature. If it happens more than twice, it's design philosophy. A penny saved is a penny taxed. It's always darkest before it turns absolutely pitch black. Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence. It's a catastrophic success! I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here. Time is a great teacher. Unfortunately, it eventually kills all its pupils... The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. -"I'm going to try to be me, whoever that is..." I called your boyfriend gay, and he hit me with his purse. If you have ever tried blocking your thoughts about how gorgeous Edward Cullen because you don't want said gorgeous Edward Cullen to hear, copy onto profile. If you have ever been so obsessed with Twilight that whenever you hear thunder you think of vampires playing baseball, try and find them. They’re waiting for you. Ninety-five percent of the kids out there are concerned with being popular and fitting in. If you're part of the five percent who aren't, copy this, put it in your profile, and add your name to the list. AnimeKittyCafe, Hyperactivley Bored, Gem W, Bara-Minamino, Yavie Aelinel, IwuvMyKenshyPoo, Heidiplease, iNsOmNiAc BiLlIe JoE lOvEr, Black Panther Warrior, Mina the Mischevious, SnowNeko, Pink Hi-Lighter, pointy star, Bruce n' Charlie, naru-chan-13, oriaglorial, gothgirl-narutofan, Blue Fire Lily, cookie stealing kitty If you know someone who should get run over by a bus, copy this into your profile If you have ever felt the undenilable urge to slam your head into something, weather it is another person or not copy this into your profile I want child abuse to stop, and if you do, too, copy and paste this onto your profile. If you think Barney is a overgrown, gay, purple, extinct, baby singer, dinosaur and a crack addiect. Copy and past this on your profile If you think that life without computers is useless then copy this to your profile. If you've ever copied and pasted something onto your profile, copy and paste this onto your profile (/)_(/) FOR ALL THOSE WHO ADMIT TO BEING WEIRD AND ARE PROUD OF IT, COPY AND PASTE THE RABBIT ONTO YOUR PROFILES! ALL HAIL THOSE WHO ARE PROUD TO BE DIFFERENT! 98 percent of the teenage population does or has tried smoking pot. If you're one of the 2 percent who hasn't, copy and paste this in your profile. ( seriously guys why would you be proud to be clean ) If you have embarrasing memories that make you want to smack yourself/ someone else, copy this into your profile. ()() If you can read this message, you are blessed, because over two billion people in the world cannot read at all: I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid. Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas toghuht slpeling was ipmorantt! tahts so cool! If you can read that please put it in your profile. OH MY GOD I CAN READ! If you have ever run into a door, copy this into your profile. (lol that was me last week!!!XD) If you have ever tripped over your own feet, copy this into your profile. Seriously my feet seem to hate obeying sometimes! They're so rebellious sometimes If you've ever burst out laughing in a quiet room, copy this into your profile. Put this in your profile if you didn't know the Alphabet Song and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star had the same tune. It's true i tell you If you're against animal cruelty (horse slaughter, bear baiting, dolphin hunting, chimp slavery etc.) then copy this into your profile! If you ever forgotten what you were talking about in a conversation copy and paste this into your profile. To many times to count! If YOU get a kick out of explosions, copy and paste this to your profile. If you have never watched Heroes, 24, The O.C., Grey's Anatomy, or any of that stuff, and are sickened by those who do, please copy & paste this into your profile. If you know our society is moving in the wrong direction, copy and paste this into your profile. If you love FANFICTION.NET, add your name and copy and paste this into your profile. Rainstorm007, mysterys, Adderstar, BlackwolfJaganshilover, Shadowess 88, Bluefirelily, cookie stealing kitty If you love gazing out at the stars and the moon, copy and paste this to your profile. If you or your best friend(s) is insane,copy this to your profile. There's nothing wrong with arguing with yourself. It's when you argue with yourself and LOSE when it's weird. If you agree, copy this and put it in your profile. If you have ever laughed maniacally, choked and/or gagged from lack of oxygen copy and paste this onto your profile If you talk to yourself, copy and paste this into your profile If you have ever considered murdering someone and actually found yourself plotting their demise copy this to your profile(Hey at one point i think we all do this) If you have ever said something that has nothing to do with the current conversation, copy and paste this into your profile A POEM ON CHILD ABUSE! PLZ PASS IT ON! My name is Tiffany I am three, My eyes are swollen I cannot see, I must be stupid I must be bad, What else could have made My daddy so mad? I wish I were better I wish I weren’t ugly, Then maybe my mommy Would still want to hug me. I can’t do a wrong I can’t speak at all Or else im locked up All day long . When im awake im all alone The house is dark My folks aren’t home When my mommy does come home I'll try and be nice, So maybe ill just get One whipping tonight. I just heard a car My daddy is back From Charlie’s bar. I hear him curse My name is called I press myself Against the wall I try to hide From his evil eyes I’m so afraid now I’m starting to cry He finds me weeping Calls me ugly words, He says its my fault He suffers at work. He slaps and hits me And yells at me more, I finally get free And run to the door He’s already locked it And i start to bawl, He takes me and throws me Against the hard wall I fall to the floor With my bones nearly broken, And my daddy continues With more bad words spoken, "I’m sorry!", I scream But its now much to late His face has been twisted Into a unimaginable shape The hurt and the pain Again and again O please God, have mercy! O please let it end! And he finally stops And heads for the door While i lay there motionless Brawled on the floor My name is tiffany I am three, Tonight my daddy Murdered me And you can help Sickens me top the soul, And if you read this and don’t pass it on I pray for your forgiveness Because you would have to be One heartless person To not be effected By this Poem And because you are effected, Do something about it! So all i ask you to do Is pass this on! IF YOU ARE AGAINST CHILD ABUSE Isn't it funny that when you go to the shops with your friends you look down at the girl with black jeans and studs but smile at the girl wearing a a mini with a t-shirt that barely cover anything? Isn't it funny you can change your music taste to impress a guy but when it comes to a girl who likes her own music and her own style, you give her a mouthful? ISN'T IT FUNNY that a guy can get away with being a gangsta but the emo gets a mouthful from everyone are you laughing? Isn't it funny a emo can be quiet all through the week but gets more shit from everyone than the girl who sleeps around and sells her virginity? ISN'T IT FUNNY that you dont mind your friends drinking, smoking but the minute someone mentions emo music you can give them a lecture on melodramatic teenage outcasts? I'm not laughing. IT'S SO FUNNY that you and your friends can make a girls life hell and not know anything about the silent battle she might be fighting. ISN'T IT FUNNY that you can call emos, punks, goths the retards but still manage to get through your day without an inch of guilt in your heart. HOW YOU CAN CALL A GIRL A POSER, HOW CAN YOU SAY "YOUR NOT EMO" OR "ATTENTION SEEKER" WITHOUT SPENDING A SECOND TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHY THERE ARE CUTS ON HER WRISTS AND WHY SHE SPENDS HER LUNCHTIMES CRYING INSTEAD OR LAUGHING WITH HER FRIENDS. KEEP ON LAUGHING Isn't it funny you can say and do all this without any idea of what is going on in this persons life without knowing her situation with her friends or her family or her LIFE! BRAVE ISN'T GOING UP ON STAGE AND STRIPPING BRAVE IS NOT SAYING A SPEECH OR DUMPING YOUR BOYFRIEND BRAVE IS GOING TO SCHOOL ON MONDAY AND NOT FOR A SECOND CARE WHAT THE WORLD AROUND YOU IS SAYING ABOUT YOUR CLOTHES IT'S LISTENING TO YOUR OWN MUSIC AND BEING PROUD OF IT IT'S GOING THROUGH EVERY DAY WITH THE THINGS PEOPLE SAY TO YOUR FACE AND BEHIND YOUR BACK AND YOU STILL KEEP QUIET IT'S KNOWING WHAT YOUR "FRIENDS" ARE SAYING ABOUT YOU AND STILL CALLING THEM YOUR FRIENDS BRAVE IS KNOWING THAT TOMOROW ISNT A BRIGHT AND HAPPY FUTURE IT'S ANOTHER DAY OF COMPLAINING AND DODGING RUMORS KEEP ON LAUGHING. if you agree put this on your profile and advise others to do the same 1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning." 2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet." 3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!" 4. My mother taught me LOGIC. "Because I said so, that's why." 5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me." 6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident." 7. My mother taught t me IRONY. "Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about." 8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper." 9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?" 10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone." 11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it." 12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!" 13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out." 14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father!" 15. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do." 16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home." 17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home!" 18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way." 19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?" 20. My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me." 21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up." 22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father." 23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?" 24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand." 25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!" STUPID = Smart Talented Unique Person In Demand If you think you have too many of these "copy and paste this into your profile" thingies, but have no intention of stopping now, copy and paste this into your profile. haha i love these things If you're one of those people who get excited when you see just two reviews, paste this into your profile. If you ever read past two in the morning, copy and paste this to your profile. i've done this so many times.. the good times... If you think disclaimers are the most annoying thing ever copy and paste this onto your profile. If you read people's profiles looking for things to copy and paste onto your profile, copy and paste this onto your profile. If your profile is long, copy and paste this on it to make it even longer /l、 This is Kitty. Copy and paste Kitty into your profile to help him gain world domination. Seriously you gotta luv them fluffy kitties Two wrongs don't make a right but three rights make a left. (its soo true) A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized. :Quotes: If at first you don’t succeed...Cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie. ( life lesson: even if you get caught and they have evidence deny deny deny) Whoever said nothing is impossible, never tried slamming a revolving door... You wouldn't backsass me so much if I could summon wolves! The Force is like duct tape, it had a light and dark side, and binds the universe together. The word for love in one language is the word for dinner in another. Who says nothing is impossible? I've been doing nothing for years. I've gone to find myself. If I should return before I get back, please ask me to wait! When life gives you lemons, made grape juice, then sit back and let the world wonder how you did it. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. And go find someone who's life has given them vodka, and have a party. When someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles to frown about it but it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and shove your fist in their face. Yo Momma is so fat, even Naruto doesn't believe it! Why be difficult when with a bit of effort you can be impossible? I am the girl that doesn't go to school dances, or games, and when I do go, I sit in a corner and read a book. I am the girl that people look through when I say something. I am the girl that spends most of her free time reading, writing, or doing other activities that most teenagers wouldn't call normal. I am the girl that people call weird and a freak either behind my back or to my face. I am the girl that doesn't spend all her time on MySpace,or talking to a girlfriend on a cellphone or regular phone. I am the girl that hasn't been asked out in a year. I am the girl that has stopped to smell the flowers and jump and splash in the rain. BUT I am also the girl who knows and is proud to be who she is, doesn’t care if people call her weird (it's a compliment),who loves reading and writing and doing the things that no one seems to have the time to do any more, who loves and is obsessed with alot of things, who can express herself better with words than actions, who doesn't need a guy to complete her, and knows the importance of the little things. Copy and paste this onto your account, and add your name to the list, if you are anything like me, so the girls who are different and unique can know in their weakest time that they are unique but not alone- Bearhug946, EdwardCullenEqualsLife, Stephanie Deux, Aintzane411, BillieMaysSaysKaboom,Nuns N' Bagels, Damon.x.Baird.x, ita-chan01, xGhostx, NoMoreLeftForUsAll AliceWayland24, NightShadow17, Hanyou-Kyo, Ratt9, Lady Eval, cookie stealing kitty I, cookie stealing kitty, do solemnly swear to review all the fanfics I read, regardless of the number of reviews, its age, or anything else. I have joined the Review Revolution. seriously i need to start doing this!!! Copy and Paste this into your profile to join the Revolution and spread the love... Two reasons why guys are better than girls: 1. Guys don't mind wearing the same thing twice in one week. 2. Guys can pee standing up. Two reasons why girls are better than guys: 1. Girls don't need to sniff their clothes to know if they're clean. 2. Girls never miss the toilet. Ever wonder what happens to those people who mysteriously stop updating? It is a known fact that 94% of people who mysteriously stop updating have been eaten by dragons. The other 6% are hiding in their bathtubs with a fire extinguisher. If you believe this is true, copy this and post your name here after all the other names- Qille, cookie stealing kitty 50 Ways to get Kicked out of Wal-Mart 1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them 2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store. 3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten-minute intervals 4. Don't bother doing your own shopping. Simply find someone with a full trolley containing roughly the items you need, and when they are not looking take it and go pay for it at the checkout. (this is not stealing, they did not own the items yet, they were simply 'moving them around') 5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the 6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift-wrap. 7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters. 8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit, then arrange them into erotic poses. (be creative with the gift-wrap tubes used in point 6). 9. When there are people behind you, walk really slowly, 10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I 11. Turn all the radios to polka stations; then turn them off 12. Re-enact a fatal incident involving the automatic doors. 13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi. I haven't seen 14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself 15. When you leave the store, try your car keys in the door of every car in the car park until you get to your own. Then drive off as if this is perfectly normal. (Note- if you don't actually own a car and walked to the store, attempt the above by substituting car keys with your house keys). 16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you are 17. Follow people through the aisles, staying about 5 feet 18. Ask if you can test some super-glue before buying it, then walk around the store gluing random items to other items/customers/staff. For added fun: See how many cashiers you can glue to each-other before any of them notice. 19. As the cashier runs your purchase over the scanner say "BEEP" in a loud voice. Repeat this for every item, and for other customers items. If the cashier protests, kill them. 20. Take off your shoes and tell them you want to return it and 21. Move "Caution : Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas. 22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you 23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can catch from other 24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon. 25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, 26. Climb things. 27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles. 28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" 29. When someone asks you if you need help, begin to cry and 30. When 2 or 3 people are walking ahead of you, run between 31. Make up nonsense products and ask employees if there are any 32. Take up an entire aisle in toys by setting up a full-scale 33. Take bets on the battle from above. 34. Test the brushes and combs in Cosmetics on all the live animals in Pet-Care. 35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask 36. Hold indoor shopping cart races. 37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from 38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags. 39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags against their will. 40. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to 41. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store. 42. Two words: Marco Polo. 43. Leave Cheerios in lawn and garden, pillows in the pet 44. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's using an alternative alphabet of your choosing. 45. In the auto department, practice your Madonna look with 46. When someone steps away from his or her cart to look at 47. Relax in the patio furniture drinking beer until you get kicked out. 48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, drop to 49. Pay off layaways 50 cents at a time. 50. Drag a lounge chair over to the magazines and relax. Go to On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. On a bag of Fritos: On a bar of Dial soap: On some Swann frozen dinners: On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box) On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: On packaging for a Rowenta iron: On Boot's Children's cough medicine: On Nytol sleep aid: On a Korean kitchen knife: On a string of Christmas lights: On a food processor: On Sainsbury's peanuts: On artificial bacon: On an American Airlines packet of nuts: On a Swedish chainsaw: On a child's Superman costume: On a birthday card for a 1 year old: Sign at a railroad station: On a bottle of bathtub cleaner On a bottle of Muscle Milk: Blondes Special Licnese There was a blonde driving down the center of the road at 100 mph. A police officer pulled her over to the side of the road. When she had stopped, the officer asked, "License and Registration please." "It's okay, Officer, I have a special license that allows me to do this," she said smiling. "That's impossible!" The officer replied, "I've never heard of such a license." To which the driver reached into her purse and handed him her license. Astonished, the Officer said, "Just as I suspected. This is an ordinary license, I see nothing here that would allow you special consideration." She pointed to the bottom of the license and said, "Can you see this?? It says so right here: 'Tear Along The Dotted Line'." 'Blondes Are Not Stupid' Convention 80,000 blondes are gathered for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" convention. The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?" A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "18!" Obviously, everyone is a little disappointed. Then, 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!" The leader says, "Well, since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world-wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance." So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?" After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "90?" The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh. Everyone is disheartened. The blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!" The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than good, eventually says, "OK! OK! Just one more chance. What is 2 plus 2?" The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "4?". Throughout the stadium, pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream ... Give her another chance! Give her another chance! 93 percent of American teens would have a severe emotional breakdown if someone called them a freak. If your part of the 7 percent that would ask the person "what was your first clue?" copy this onto your profile then add your name to the list:Sunlit Goddess of the C.O.C.A, Moonlit Goddess of the C.O.C.A.,Evil Genus of the C.O.C.A., Invador Miley Phantom, dAnnYsGiRl777, BloodySalvation, Lady Lost-A-Lot, BellaBookworm9, Bella Masen Cullen, Vampire Scooby, Alannaswarrior, Spottedlilly, Alleyanna Cullen, hugs.for.all.the.emo.boyz, I'll have some stupid Cliche, rainxface, maximumride24,FangsGirl24601, A Silenced Angel, UNDERLANDERfromtheOVERLAND. CrazyNerdyFangirl, ColorTheSky, GodsHelperServent, Qille, cookie stealing kitty Help me color the sky. I'm that girl who cries without anyone seeing it. I'm that girl who hurts herself without anyone knowing it. I'm that girl who is smiles but is hurting inside. I'm that girl who guides but doesn't know what's right. I'm that girl who shines but doesn't glow in the dark. I'm that girl who's kind but never feels the mark. I'm that girl who'd fight for someone else's rights. But I'm also that girl who can't sleep at night. Outside I'm pretty, I'm glowing, I'm strong. But inside, I'm hurting, knowing I don't belong. I think of that weight that just hangs above me, Dropping onto my shoulders ever so slowly. I don't fight it, I don't struggle, I just hold it up. The force on my shoulders, I'm begging it to stop. But I just hold it together, And keep the smile on my face. Just hoping that one day, Someone can take my place. Help me take that burden off her shoulders, Look past the barriers and help me get hold of her. Take my hand and it'll weigh no more, For us girls together, can be stronger than before. 9 out of 10 teenage girls suffer from peer pressure, verbal and/or physical abuse, and stereotyping. If you believe in the power of women and girls like us, and if you believe we can overcome this issue together hand in hand, post this onto your profile and add your name to the list: ColorTheSky, GodsHelperServent, Qille, cookie stealing kitty IF YOUR LIFE WAS A MOVIE, WHAT WOULD THE SOUNDTRACK BE? 1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc) 2. Put it on shuffle 3. Press play 4. For every question, type the song that's playing 5. When you go to a new question, press the next button 6. Don't lie and try to pretend your cool... and a lot of the songs fit with the setting Opening Credits: The Harold Song by KeSha (Umm.. ok) Waking Up: I gotta a feeling by the Black Eyed Peas (Oh wow that actual fits :P) First Day of School: You and I by Ingrid Michaelson (I guess...) Falling In Love: True Love by KeSha (Perfect... that fits haha) Fight Song: Hear You Me by Jimmy Eat World (it makes sense if you don't think about it) Breaking Up: Love the way you lie part 2 by Rihanna (Wow i think my ipod is somehow learning telepathy) Prom Night: Rumor has it by Adele (meh i guess) Life: How to save a life by the Fray (OMG PERFECT this makes so much sense for me because i wanna be a doctorXD) Mental Breakdown: No One by Alicia Keys (OK.. haha thats a sideways person :P) Driving: Backstabber by KeSha (I hope not, that would not be good at all... seriously i think my ipod likes kesha today) Flashback: Somebody's me by Enrique Iglesias (D; so true sometimes) Getting Back Together: BAD by Michael Jackson (lol it would have been so hilarious if it would have been we're never getting back together by taylor swift but i don't have that in my ipod) Wedding: Hey There Delilah by Plain White T's (Aww my favorite song) Birth of a Child: Bed rock by Young Money (ROFL that makes sense in a way i guess) Final Battle: Replay by Lyaz (um...) Funeral Song: Who Knew by P!nk (i guess) Final Credits: Do you remember by Jack Johnson (lol that actually works XD) FRIENDSHIP 1. When you are sad -- I will jump on the person who made you sad like a squirrel with rabies. 2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you. 3. When you smile -- I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in. 4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get. 5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining. 6. When you are confused -- I will use littler words. 7. When you are sick -- Stay away from me until you are well. Again. I don't want whatever you have. 8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at you. 9. This is my oath... I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask; 'because you are my friend.' 95% of all teens would go into a panic if the Jonas brothers were on a 100 foot building about to jump. Copy and paste this if you are one of the 5% who brought popcorn and invited friends while yelling "JUMP IDIOTS, JUMP!!" (I'd also be taking photos for those unfourtunate enough to miss the whole thing...) 97% of all teens would go into panic if they saw Robert Pattinson on a 100 foot building about to jump. Copy and paste this if you are one of the 3% who brought popcorn and invited friends while yelling "DO A FLIP!!" (Wouldn't take photo's... too lame. GRAB THE VIDEO CAMERA!!!!!!) A Dad's Poem Her hair was up in a ponytail, and her favorite dress was tied with a bow. Today was Daddy's Day at school, and she couldn't wait to go. But her mommy tried to tell her, that she probably should stay home. Why the kids might not understand, if she went to school alone. But she was not afraid; she knew just what to say. What to tell her classmates of why he wasn't there today. But still her mother worried, for her to face this day alone. And that was why once again, she tried to keep her daughter home. But the little girl went to school eager to tell them all. About a dad she never sees a dad who never calls. There were daddies along the wall in back, for everyone to meet. Children squirming impatiently, anxious in their seats. One by one the teacher called a student from the class. To introduce their daddy, as seconds slowly passed. At last the teacher called her name, every child turned to stare. Each of them was searching, for a man who wasn't there. "Where's her daddy at?" she heard a boy call out. "She probably doesn't have one," another student dared to shout. And from somewhere near the back, she heard a daddy say, "Looks like another deadbeat dad, too busy to waste his day." The words did not offend her, she smiled up at her Mom, And looked back at her teacher, who told her to go on. And with hands behind her back, slowly she began to speak. And out from the mouth of a child, came words incredibly unique. "My Daddy couldn't be here, because he lives so far away. But I know he wishes he could be, since this is such a special day. And though you cannot meet him, I wanted you to know. All about my daddy, and how much he loves me so. "He loved to tell me stories, he taught me to ride my bike. He surprised me with pink roses, and taught me to fly a kite. We used to share fudge sundaes, and ice cream in a cone. And though you cannot see him; I'm not standing here alone. "'Cause my daddy's always with me, even though we are apart. I know because he told me, he'll forever be in my heart." With that, her little hand reached up, and lay across her chest. Feeling her own heartbeat, beneath her favorite dress. And from somewhere in the crowd of dads, her mother stood in tears. Proudly watching her daughter, who was wise beyond her years. For she stood up for the love of a man not in her life. Doing what was best for her, doing what was right. And when she dropped her hand back down, staring straight into the crowd. She finished with a voice so soft, but its message clear and loud. "I love my daddy very much, he's my shining star. And if he could, he'd be here, but heaven's just too far... "You see he was a fireman and died just this past year. When airplanes hit the towers and taught Americans to fear. But sometimes when I close my eyes, it's like he never went away." And then she closed her eyes, and saw him there that day. And to her mother’s amazement, she witnessed with surprise; A room full of daddies and children, all starting to close their eyes. Who knows what they saw before them, who knows what they felt inside. Perhaps for merely a second, they saw him at her side. "I know you're with me Daddy," to the silence she called out. And what happened next made believers, of those once filled with doubt. Not one in that room could explain it, for each of their eyes had been closed. But there on the desk beside her, was a fragrant long-stemmed pink rose. And a child was blessed, if only for a moment, by the love of her shining star. And given the gift of believing, that heaven is never too far. ‘They’ say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but then an entire life to forget them. D; this made me cry its so sad but the little girl is so brave... An apple an day keeps the doctor away, if well aimed. If at first you don't suceed, skydiving isn't for you. Change is inevitable... Except from a vending machine. I run with scissors, it makes me feel dangerous. Join the dark side, we have cookies. Welcome to the dark side. Are you surprised we lied about the cookies? Come to the light side, we have PUDDING! Welcome to the light side, hehe, sorry, but we ran out of pudding... I'm not always a dork- sometimes I'm asleep. I'm not insensitive, I just don't care. The suspense is terrible. I hope it will last. I'm not suffering from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. Some say the glass is half empty, others half full, all's I want to know is who the Dark Forest is drinking my water! You laugh, I laugh. You cry, I cry. You hurt, I hurt. You jump off a bridge, I get a paddle boat and save your stupid... What is another word for "thesaurus"? What happens if you get scared half to death twice? Hmm...I wonder... Don't knock on death's door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that. When life gives you lemons, throw them back and demand for chocolate! There are three types of people; those who can count, and those who cant. History lesson: Dinosaurs didn't go extinct, Barney came and they all commited suicide. Last night I lay in bed and look at the sky, and thought: I'm too old for glow in the dark stickers. The only reason why I'm here is because heaven wouldn't have me and hell was afraid I'd take over. A good girl is just a bad girl who's never been caught. Who doesn't love comebacks that make the other person sound stupid? VERY FEW PERSONAL PROBLEMS CAN'T BE SOLVED THROUGH THE SUBTLE APPLICATION OF HIGH EXPLOSIVES! Taste the rainbow- eat crayons. There are three types of people, those who can count and those who can't. I ran with scissors- AND LIVED! Slinky Escalator = Endless fun! Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn't find anyone to copy off of. He who laughs last thinks slowest. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. I'm not a complete idioit- some part are missing. Sometimes I wonder, "Why is that frisbee getting bigger?" Then it hits me. I see regular people- RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! Conciousness: That annoying time between naps. A secret admirer is only a stalker with a stationary. If you don't like my driving, stay off the sidewalk. You say phsyco like it's a bad thing... Stupidity killed the cat, curiousity was framed. People are like slinkies; basically useless, but ever so fun to watch fall down stairs. I find 'good morning' a contradiciton of terms. What happens if someone is scared to death twice?? Hmmm I wonder... CUTE BUT PHSYCO- THINGS EVEN OUT. If you can't convince 'em, confuse 'em. Hell issued a restraining order on me... Oh the fun to be had! You're just jealous that the voices only talk to me. What you might call stupidity, I call selective understanding. I would be more scared if you were aiming for the court next to me. If you're color blind, eating sweets must be a completely different experience; "Come on skittles, give me red... LEMON DARNIT!" LOVE YOUR ENEMIES... IT PISSES THEM OFF. I'm not so good with the advice, can I intrest you in a sarcastic comment? The voices in my head may not be real, but they sure have good ideas... Ooops! Did my sacasm hurt your feelings? If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. One day we'll look back on this, laugh nevously, and change the subject. I intend to live forever... So far so good. Old enough to know better, young enough to do it again. Sure I have super powers! I just don't wanna show you. Embrace your inner rebel; DON"T SIT UP STRAIGHT!!! You're awesome! But when the zombies come, I'm tripping you. I'M NOT WEIRD... JUST PLOTTING... I don't obsess, I think intensly. Smile; it makes others wonder what you're up to. When I go, I want to die peacefully like my grandfather did, in his sleep- not screaming in absolute terror, like the passengers in his car. Whoever said nothing was impossible never triend to slam a revolving door. Life isn't passing me by; it's trying to run me over. Between two evils, I always pick the one I've never tried. IT HAPPENS... BUT MOSTLY TO ME, SO DON'T WORRY. You mess with me, you mess with a trailer park full of drunken lunatics. With guns. Life was so easy when all boys had cooties. I teach you to lie cheat and steal. And the moment I'm gone you stand in line. Got Mirth? Do you ever wonder where eraser bits go?? Silence is golden. Ductape is Silver. Not all of those who wander are lost. - J. R. R. Tolkien I don't have a short attention sp- Ohhhh, look a kitty; Chaos, panic, and pandemonium. My work here is done. I ran out of sick days, so I called in dead. "I enjoyed the meetings, too. It was like having friends." - Luna Lovegood (my long lost twin...) Chip, I'm gonna come at you like a spider monkey. "Hon, we live in a trailer park. Tackiness is our charm." "Make way for the heir of Slytherin, seriously evil wizard coming through..." - Fred and George A friend will help you up when you fall, a best friend will take your ungraceful, muddy photo and send it to all of the people you know. You always said tomorow would be a better day... ... ...I guess tomorow never came. Did it hurt when I fell from heaven?... No but it hurt when they clipped my wings for being the devil. Why does a Rose represent Love, when a rose always dies? You always said tomarrow would be a better day; I guess tomorrow never came. I ran out of sick days, so I called in dead. Roses are red, violets are blue, God made me pretty, what happened to you? Forgive your enemies, just don't forget their names. It's you and me against the world, we attack at dawn. When someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles to frown about it, but only 4 to reach out and punch them. HARD. [1] I need to tell you a secret LOOK AT 5 [2] The answer is LOOK AT 11 [3] Dont get mad LOOK AT 15 [4] Calm down don't be mad LOOK AT 13 [5] First LOOK AT 2 [6] Dont be that angry LOOK AT 12 [7] I just wanna say hi [8] What I wanted to tell you is...THE ANSWER IS ON 14 [9] Be patient LOOK AT 4 [10] This is the last time I'm going to do this LOOK AT 7 [11] I hope you're not mad when I say this LOOK AT 6 [12] Sorry LOOK AT 8 [13] Don't be getting a hype LOOK AT 10 [14] I dont know how to say this LOOK AT 3 [15] You must be really mad LOOK AT NUMBER 9 Six truths in life 1. You cannot stick your tongue out and look up at the ceiling at the same time: a physical imposibility 2. All idiots, after reading this will try it 3. And discover that it's a lie 4. You are smiling now because you are an idiot. 5. You will soon post this on your profile for another idiot to see. 6. There is still a stupid smile on your face. I sincerely apologize about this but I am an idiot and i needed company If you count as an idiot, post this onto your profile! :P Okay, I just got a pet rock, and here's how to take care of it: Your pet rock and you. Your pet rock will be a devoted friend and companion for many years to come. Rocks enjoy a rather long life span so the two of you will never have to part-at least not on your pet rock's account. Once you have transcended the awkward training stage your rock will mature into a faithful, obedient, loving pet with but one purpose in life-to be at your side when you want it to, and to go lie down when you don't. A pet rock is perfect for people who hate animals, are allergic to animals, or who are not allowed to keep animals. When you own a pet rock you haver have problems with leash law violations, you'll never have to clean up nasty messes, and your pet will haver keep you and the neighbors awake at night. Pet rocks are welcome anywhere! SECTION ONE Simple obedience. Come. It is essential that your pet rock learn this command. A rock that doesn't come when it's called will cause its owner endless embarassment. To teach the command COME, place your rock on the floor or ground and take a few steps backward. Next, bending over from the waist, place your hands upon your knees and face your rock. Now, with firm authority, say COME PEDRA. (If you have not named your rock Pedra you may wish to say something else.) Repeat the command, COME PEDRA. Assuming your rock is normal, it will probably now respond. Start again. Bending over from the waits, face your rock, clap your hands, and let your face light up as you cay, COME PEDRA, C'MON FELLA, HERE GIRL, and stuff like that. Now, start walking slowly towards your rock. Incredibly, as you walk toward your rock, you will notice that it actually is coming closer. This means your pet rock is learning to command, COME. Praise your rock and give it a pat of approval. Stay. The next command to teach your rock is STAY. It is very important that your pet rock learn this command as it is dosconcerting to have a rock that will wander around while you are shopping for groceries or having your hair done. Return to your training area and set your rock upon the floor or ground. Look at your rock intently, like you really mean business, and give the command, STAY. Surprisingly, most rocks have no difficulty learning this command and respond quite obediently the first time they hear it. Repeat the command, STAY, and slowly back away from your rock. If your rock should move, and this is highly unlikely, shout the command while gesturing dramatically with the palm of your outstretched hand. In no time at all your pet rock will be responding to this obedience command each and every time. With further patience you can train your rock to STAY by using only the hand signals. Sit. This is not a difficult command to teach a pet rock as most rocks spend the bulk of their time sitting around anyways. However, a refresher course is certainly in order since you will want your rock to sit when you want it to, not when it wants to. Place your rock in its training area and give the command, SIT. Many rocks will attempt to deceive you by lying down, thinking that you won't know the difference. This should not be encouraged! If you say, SIT, then your rock should sit, and that's all there is to it. Here is a simple method to ensure your pet rock always obeys your commands: Repeat the order, SIT, and slowly walk away from your rock. Now, hide in another room and, from time to time, peek in on your rock to make sure it hasn't moved. If it lies down, when it should be sitting, storm into the room and shout, BAD ROCK, BAD ROCK! Your pet rock will know it has displeased you and will return to the sitting position. It will also know who's the boss! Once your pet rock learns the command, SIT, add the command, STAY. Your rock will now remain sitting until further notice. Down. It would be cruel to leave your rock in the sitting position forever. Therefore, it is necessary that you teach it the command, DOWN. After sitting for a long period of time your rock will appreciate the chance to relax. It is also nice, when you have house guests, to own a pet rock that will lie, unobtrusively and lovingly, at your feet. Teaching the command, DOWN, is best accomplished in conjunction with the command, SIT. After your pet rock has been in the sitting position for a while, give it the command, DOWN. If you've made a big fuss about your rock sitting properly it may be reluctant to move. Place your foot upon your rock and push it firmly into the carpet or dirt. It won't take long before your rock understands what you want it to do. DOWN is another of the training commands that most rocks respond to with a minimum of teaching. It is in a pet rock's nature that it learns to get down so easily. Praise your rock and give it a gently, reassuring hug. Stand. You're a little confused if you think a pet rock can be taught to STAND. A rock has no feet. Heel. It is extremely unusual to see a rock strolling around unaccompanied. There's a very good reason for this. Most pet rock owners have had the patience and good judgment to teach the command, HEEL. To teach your pet rock to HEEL, simply follow these easy steps. First, place your pet rock on the floor or ground directly behind your right heel. Next, give the command, HEEL, and stand aboslutely still. Slowly, without moving your feet, turn and look down at your rock. You will be both pleased and amazed to see it is still there, right where you want it to be, directly behind your right heel. Your pet rock has learned the command. Praise your rock. SECTION TWO Amusing Tricks. Few pets are more anxious to please their masters than are pet rocks. It is surprisingly easy to teach your rock cute little tricks that will entertain you and your friends for hours. Roll Over. Your pet rock will learn this trick the very first time you give it a lesson. That statement may be hard to believe but it is, nevertheless, quite true. The best place to teach your pet rock to ROLL OVER is on the side of a hill. Place your rock on the ground at the top of a hill and give the command, ROLL OVER. Now, let go of your rock. It's that simple! Your rock will roll end-over-end and will not stop until it tires of the game. Pet rocks usually get tired of the game when they reach the bottom of the hill. Follow your rock and praise it profusely. This praise will make your pet rock very happy and it will repeat the trick as soon as you return it to the top of the hill. You will tire of this trick long before your pet rock does. Play Dead. Your pet rock will take to this trick like a duck takes to water. It is one of the most entertaining tricks a rock can learn, and a trick that is sure to get many affectionate laughs and approving glances from you and your friends. Take your pet rock to its training area and, when you have its undivided attention, give the command, PLAY DEAD. If your rock is like most rocks it will not have to be told more than once. Immediately, it will go completely stiff as though rigor mortis has set in, and will remain in this posture until you give a different command. Rocks enjoy this trick so much that often, when you're not even looking, they'll actually practice it on their own. It's not unusual to walk into a room and see a pet rock playing dead. Shake Hands. Don't be ridiculous. You can't teach a rock to shake hands. Fetch. To teach your pet rock to FETCH, throw a stick or a ball as far as you can. Next, throw your pet rock as far as you can. Rarely, if ever, will your pet rock return with the object, but that's the way it goes. Attack Training. A rock is a loyal, devoted pet that can easily be trained to protect you and your family. Woe be to the burglar or prowler who ventures into the home guarded by a pet rock-or the mugger who attempts to accost a pet rock's master. There are two basic attack methods to teach your pet rock. 1.) Long Distance Attacks 2.) Close Range Attacks Long Distance Attacks. In those instances when your adversary is at a distance (such as when a bully kicks sand in your face on the beach and keeps on running), your pet rock will respond to the challenge instantly and effectively in assuring that it never happens again. First, wipe the sand from your eyes. Next pick up your pet rock. Shout the command, ATTACK!, and throw your rock at the bully with all your might. This method of protection is sure-fire and results are guaranteed, although you may want to practice your aim before attempting this maneuver. Close Range Attacks. If you are threateded at close range always use the Close Range Attack Method; it is the ultimate form of personal protection. The element of surprise enters into this attack method, thereby making it doubly effective. When the adversary approaches within arm's length and demands all your money, credit cards, and other valuables follow these easy steps: Reach into your pocket or purse as though you were going to comply with the mugger's demands. Extract your pet rock. Shout the command, ATTACK. And bash the mugger's head in. Pet rocks really seem to enjoy this exercise and, in most cases, come away from the attack little the worse for wear. NOTE: Owners of Attack Trained pet rocks have a responsibility to society to use their dangerous pets for protection only, and not for instigating trouble of any kind. In closing... As the owner of a pet rock you have assumed a responsibility to love and care for this new addition to your family. If your rock should misbehave, be patient.If it should cause your problems, be forgiving. Under no circumstances should you turn your pet rock loose. The world is already overcrowded with discarded, unwanted rocks, and millions must be destroyed each year. These poor, unfortunate rocks meet brutal ends in roadbeds, cement mixers, or as land fill. Don't allow your pet rock to meet an untimely demise at the bottom of an obscure pile of rubble. Remember; if you take care of your pet rock, your pet rock will take care of you. If you used this to train your pet rock, or this encouraged you to adopt a rock, copy it and add your name- cookie stealing kitty Guys, I'm f*ing sick of this. I'm almost 20 and haven't been able to score a better job than a f*ing cook at a local fast food joint. What makes it worse is that I live in a small town so business is pretty limited, and where I work is the only place that'll hire high school graduates. I'd get the hell out of this town if I could actually drive, but I've failed every damn test I've ever taken. I'm socially awkward, even my only other co-worker f*ing hates my guts. I have repressed lust for one of my best friends too; she's athletic, smart, and a gorgeous southern belle. I love her. You know what it's like; I've been friend zoned real hard. She's my only real friend, besides this one kid, who I'm pretty sure is only hanging around me because he is mentally challenged. I guess he's the only one that can tolerate me. And what makes this all f*ing worse is that I live in a pineapple under the sea. Haha, get it? If you got it, copy and paste this and add your name. Qille, cookie stealing kitty, Random Quotes and sayings Whoever said nothing was impossible never tried slamming a revolving door. PMS - Possible Murder Suspect As I lay in bed looking at the twinkling stars above me, I think, "Where the hell is my ceiling?" I didn't lose my mind. I sold it on Ebay. Warning: Trespassers will be shot. Survivors will be shot again. I'm only mean to people who tell me to be nice! Curiosity killed whoever got in my way. I'm a bomb technician. If you see me running, try to keep up. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup. Most teachers promote the three R's; Reading, 'Riting, and 'Rithmetic. Then there are those that promote three S's; Sit down, Shut up, and STOP DRIVING ME CRAZY!! A good friend bails you out of jail. A best friend is sitting in the next cell, laughing, and saying, "That was fun, let's do it again!" A good friend helps find your Prince Charming. A best friend kidnaps him and brings him to you. Weird is running up and down the street in a bikini, rubbing butter all over yourself, and screaming "I'm a pretty muffin!" When Life gives me lemons, I throw them back and punch Life in the face, really, really hard. You say I'm not cool. But cool is the same as cold. If I'm not cold, I'm hot. I know I'm hot. Thanks for embracing it. People are like slinkies. Basically useless, but it's so amusing to watch them fall down the stairs. When you cry, I cry. When you laugh, I laugh. When you jump off a bridge, I laugh harder. One day, we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject. To date, life has been a race between Software companies making bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the universe making bigger and better idiots. So far, the universe is winning. Smile. It scares people. An overly-positive attitude may not be enough to solve a problem, but it sure ticks people off enough for it to be worth it! There are easier things to do in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance. A wise man once said, "I don't know, go ask a woman." I'm not so good with advice. May I offer a sarcastic comment? The knack of flying is throwing yourself at the ground and missing. Whoever said words don't hurt have obviously never had a hard-backed encyclopedia hurled at their head. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will eventually kill me Hell hath no fury that of a scorned woman. I'll help make sure of it. When someone annoys you, it takes fourty-two muscles to frown, but it only takes four to extend your arm and whack them upside the head. I get plenty of exercise; jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines. Life isn't passing me by! It's trying to run me over! Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills? The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly', meaning 'many', and the word 'ticks', meaning 'blood sucking parasites' I didn’t escape from the mental ward! Those sirens are a complete coincidence! Drive like you stole it! Everyday I think people can't get any dumber. Everyday I'm proven horribly wrong. When life gives us Jonas brothers, we throw Jonas Brothers back really, really hard and demand Green Day. It's not PMS...it's you I'm not mean, I just say what most people keep in their heads. I don't need your attitude, I have my own. I'm not mean, you're just a sissy. You're a great friend. But if zombies are chasing us, I'm tripping you. Be the type of woman, that when your feet land on the floor when you get out of bed in the morning, the devil thinks: "Oh, crap! She's up!" Note to self: It is illegal to stab people for being stupid I did not hit you, I simply high-fived your face. Sometimes I pretend to be normal, but it gets boring, so I go back to being me That does not kill me had better run pretty damn fast! I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it I know who I am...your approval really isn't needed Normal people worry me Blondes do it better I stopped fighting my inner demons quite some time ago. We're on the same side now. I do not have an attitude problem! I have an attitude, but I just can't find a problem with it (note: do NOT use this on your Math teacher when she yells at you about your attitude. Not if you like living.) Anyone: Go to hell! You: I did. But Hell was full, so I came back And to think you are the result of millions of years of evolution. There's nothing that can't be fixed with duct tape, chocolate, or by running it over. Don't upset me, I'm running out of places to hide the bodies. FUN FACTS It IS as bad as you think and they ARE out to get you. A loser is a window washer on the 44th floor who steps back to admire his work. If you can stay calm when all around you is complete chaos, you probably haven't fully understood the situation. If a missing person sees their picture on a milk carton that offers a reward, would they get the money? A day without sunshine is like... night. A rejected invention:Instant water! just add water! Don't ever attempt a staring contest with a brick wall, they cheat a lot Don't walk in my footsteps. I walk into walls. Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the universe striving to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the universe is winning. You laugh because I'm different. I laugh because you're all the same. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. He who laughs last didn't get it. When there's a will, I want to be in it. A positive attitude may not solve all of your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort. I'm not clumsy! The floor just hates me. The dinosaur's extinction wasn't an accident. Barney came and they all committed suicide. Slinky Escalator = Endless fun Don't make me mad...I'm known to bite at random!! I ran with scissors, and lived! When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car. The light you see at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of a fast approaching train. What have they been telling you? I'm prefectly normal! NORMAL, I SAY!!! *twitchtwitch* WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD? Plato: For the greater good. Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability. Machiavelli: So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained. Hippocrates: Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas. Jacques Derrida: Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned, because structuralism is DEAD, DANGIT, DEAD! Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out. Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take. Douglas Adams: Forty-two. Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you. Oliver North: National Security was at stake. B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences which had pervaded its sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own free will. Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being. Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road. Ludwig Wittgenstein: The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the objects "chicken" and "road", and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence. Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference. Aristotle: To actualize its potential. Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken- nature. Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurence. Salvador Dali: The Fish. Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees. Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death. Epicurus: For fun. Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it. Johann von Goethe: The eternal hen-principle made it do it. Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain. Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast. David Hume: Out of custom and habit. Jack Nicholson: 'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored) reason. Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road? Ronald Reagan: I forget. John Sununu: The Air Force was only too happy to provide the transportation, so quite understandably the chicken availed himself of the opportunity. The Sphinx: You tell me. Mr. T: If you saw me coming you'd cross the road too! Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out of life. Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated. Molly Yard: It was a hen! Zeno of Elea: To prove it could never reach the other side. Chaucer: So priketh hem nature in hir corages. Wordsworth: To wander lonely as a cloud. The Godfather: I didn't want its mother to see it like that. Keats: Philosophy will clip a chicken's wings. Blake: To see heaven in a wild fowl. Othello: Jealousy. Dr Johnson: Sir, had you known the Chicken for as long as I have, you would not so readily enquire, but feel rather the Need to resist such a public Display of your own lamentable and incorrigible Ignorance. Mrs Thatcher: This chicken's not for turning. Supreme Soviet: There has never been a chicken in this photograph. Oscar Wilde: Why, indeed? One's social engagements whilst in town ought never expose one to such barbarous inconvenience - although, perhaps, if one must cross a road, one may do far worse than to cross it as the chicken in question. Kafka: Hardly the most urgent enquiry to make of a low-grade insurance clerk who woke up that morning as a hen. Swift: It is, of course, inevitable that such a loathsome, filth-ridden and degraded creature as Man should assume to question the actions of one in all respects his superior. Macbeth: To have turned back were as tedious as to go o'er. Whitehead: Clearly, having fallen victim to the fallacy of misplaced concreteness. Freud: An die andere Seite zu kommen. (Much laughter) Hamlet: That is not the question. Donne: It crosseth for thee. Pope: It was mimicking my Lord Hervey. Constable: To get a better view. Copy and paste this on to your profile if you got a laugh out of it lol Hello and welcome to the Mental Health Hot-line. If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities press 3, 4, 5, 6. If you are paranoid, we know what you are and what you want so stay on the line and we'll trace your call. If you are delusional press 7 and your call will be sent to the Mother Ship. If you are schizophrenic listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer you. If you are dislexic press 6, 9, 6, 9, 6, 9. If you have a nervous disorder fidget with the hatch key until the beep. After the beep, please wait for the beep. If you have short term memory loss, please try your call again later and if you have low self esteem, hang up; all our operators are too busy to talk to you. Murphy's 15 Other Laws... 1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear 2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. 3. He who laughs last thinks slowest. 4. A day without sunshine is like. . . well, night. 5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. 7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. 8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting 9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, 10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it. 11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by 12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish 13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries. 14. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in the dark. 15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. Your One and Only Wish Do it one by one, don't look ahead! 1. write the name of a person of the opposite sex. 2. which is your favorite color out of red, black, blue, and green. 3. your first initial? 4. your month of birth? 5. which color do you like more, black or white? 6. Name of a person of the same sex as yours. 7. your favorite number? 8. do you like California of Florida more? 9. do you like the lake or ocean more? 10. Write down a wish (a realistic one.) are you done? If so, scroll down (Don't cheat--) The Answers 1. You are completely in love with this person. 2. If you choose: Red: You are alert and you life is full of love. Black: You are conservative and aggressive. Green: Your soul is relaxed and you are laid back. Blue: you are spontaneous and love kisses and affection from the one you love. Yellow: You are a very happy person and give good advice to those who are down. 3. If you're initial is: A-K: You have a lot of love and friendships in your life. L-R: You try to enjoy life to the maximum and you love life is soon to blossom S-Z: You like to help others and your future love life looks very good. 4. If You were born in: Jan-Mar: The year will for very well for you and you will discover the you fall in love with someone totally unexpected. Apr-June: you will have a strong love relationship that will no long but the memories will last forever July-Sept: You will have a great year and will experience a major life changing experience for the good. Oct-Dec: Your love life will not be too great, but eventually you will find your soul mate. 5. If you choose... Black: your life will take on a different direction; it will seem hard at the time but will be the best thing for you and you will be glad for the change. white: You will have a friend who completely confides in ykou and would do anything for you but you may not realize it. 6. This person is your best friend. 7. This is how many close friends you have in a lifetime. 8. If you choose... California: You like adventure. Florida: You are a laidback person. 9. If you choose... Lake: You are loyal to you friends and you love. And you are very reserved. Ocean: You are spontaneous and like to please people. 10. This wish will come true only if you Re-post this bulletin in one hours and it will come true before your next birthday! You're Too Big a Harry Potter Fan when... You mutter nonsense Latin words under your breath. You call your least favorite teacher Snape. Your computer says "You've Got Mail" and you run outside looking for an owl. You actually ask for a broom for Christmas. You mutter "lumos" under your breath every time you turn on a flashlight. You sort everyone you meet into the four Hogwarts houses. (Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff and Slytherin.) You were burned when you couldn't get through the flames of your fireplace. You had to go to the hospital after you broke your nose running headfirst into the wall between platforms nine and ten. You point a normal things like parking meters and say "Look at the things these muggles dream up!" You try on every piece of silvery fabric your mom has to see if you turn invisible Before getting up to get something, you always try to summon it first. Accio TV remote! You were reduced to tears when you finally had book 5, 6, and 7 in your hands. You refer to your Chemistry class as Potions ( haha my chemistry teacher actually has a sign that says potions!) You spend hours tapping bricks in special orders hoping that a secret entrance to Diagon Alley will appear. When playing chess, you yell orders to the chess players and get upset when they don't move. You yell into the "tellyfone." You get extraordinarily emotional every time you hear "Hedwig's Theme". Despite being an American, you use the word "wicked" all the time because Rupert Grint does. You get thoroughly overexcited every time you see a word somewhere that is distantly linked with HP (ie. Saint Hedwig's). You name all of your pets after HP characters. You know that Harry's birthday is July 31, 1980, Hermione's birthday is September 19, 1980 and Ron's birthday is March 3rd, 1980 even though it never said in the books. You refer to Voldemort as "You-Know-Who", and your friends don't have any idea who you're talking about. You were kicked out of the movie theater for standing on your chair, throwing your shoe at the screen and yelling "THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN IN THE BOOK!" over and over again, even for the most trivial differences. You count the days until you're old enough for your apparating license, and everyone else thinks you're talking about driving You're a 90's kid if: You can finish this "Ice ice _ " You remember watching: -Doug -Ren & Stimpy -Pinky and the Brain -AAAAAAAH Real Monsters! -Rockos modern Life. You've ever ended a sentence with the word "PSYCHE!" You just cant resist finishing this . . . "Iiiiiiin west philidelphia born and raised . . ." You remember: -TGIF -Step by Step -Family Matters -Dinosaurs -Boy Meets World. You remember when it was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons. You remember reading "Goosebumps" You took plastic cartoon lunch boxes to school. You said "NOT" after (almost) every sentence . . . not when everything was settled by: -rock paper scissors or -bubble gum bubble gum in a dish or ink abink a bottle of ink when cops and robbers was a daily activity. when we played Hide and go seek until our legs grew numb. You used to listen to the radio all day long just to record your FAVORITE song of ALL time. "Where in the World is Carmen San Diego?" was both a game and a TV game show. Captain Planet. He's a Hero. You knew that Kimberly, the pink ranger, and Tommy, the green ranger, were meant to be together. You remember when Super Nintendos and Sega Genisis became popular. You remember watching Home Alone 1, 2 , and 3 . . . and tried to pull the pranks on "intruders" You remember watching: -The Magic School Bus -Wishbone -Reading Rainbow on PBS. You remember when Yo-Yos were cool. You remember those Where's Waldo books. You remember eating Warheads. You remember watching: -the 1st Batman -Aladdin -Ninja Turtles -3 Ninjas movies. You remember Ring Pops. You remember drinking Surge, and Tang. If you remember when every thing was "da BOMB!" When they made the new lunchables so that you could make pizza AND tacos. You remember boom boxes vs. cd players. Making those little paper fortune cookie things, and then predicting your life with them. one word. . . Furbies. You haven't always had a computer, and it was cool to have the internet. And Windows 95 was the best. You watched the original cartoons of Rugrats, Power Rangers, and Ninja Turtles. Michael Jordan was a king. YIKES pencils and erasers were the stuff! You remember when the new Beanie Babies and Talking Elmo were always sold out You collected those Beanie Babies. Carebears Gak was the coolest stuff invented. The old dollar bills. Silver dollars, which were cool to have. You remember a time before the WB. You collected all the Troll dolls If you even know what an original walkman is. You remember wanting to sit on the orange Nickelodeon couch. You've gotten creeped out by "Are You Afraid of the Dark?" You know the Macarena by heart. "Talk to the hand" . . . enough said You always said, "Then why don't you marry it!" You went to McDonald's to play in the playplace. You remember playing on merry go rounds at the playground. Before the MySpace frenzy . . . Before the Internet & text messaging . . . Before Zunes & iPods . . . Before PlayStation2 or X-BOX . . . Before Spongebob If you remember all of that then you're a 90's kid A winter statistic: 98 OF AMERICANS SCREAM BEFORE GOING IN THE DITCH ON A SLIPPERY ROAD. THE OTHER 2 ARE FROM COLORADO AND THEY SAY, 'HOLD MY SODA AND WATCH THIS'. NOW: You're from Colorado if: You'll eat ice cream in the winter. When the weather report says it's going to be 65 degrees, you shave your legs and wear a skirt. It snows 5 inches and you don't expect school to be canceled. You'll wear flip flops every day of the year, regardless of temperature. You have no accent at all, but can hear other people's. And then you copy them. 'Humid' is over 25. Your sense of direction is: Toward the mountains and Away from the mountains. You say 'the interstate' and everybody knows which one. You think that May is a totally normal month for a blizzard. You buy your flowers to set out on Mother's day, but try and hold off planting them until just before Father's day. You grew up planning your Halloween costumes around your coat. You know what the Continental Divide is. You don't think Coors beer is that big a deal. You went to Casa Bonita as a kid, and as an adult. You've gone off-roading in a vehicle that was never intended for such activities. You always know the elevation of where you are. You wake up to a beautiful, 80 degree day and you wonder if it's going to snow tomorrow. You don't care that some company renamed it, the Broncos still play at Mile High Every movie theater has military and student discounts. Everybody wears jeans to church. You actually know that South Park is a real place not just a show on TV. You know what a 'trust fund hippy' is, and you know its natural habitat is Boulder You know you're talking to a fellow Coloradoan when they call it Elitches, not Six Flags. A bear on your front porch doesn't bother you. Your two favorite teams are the Broncos and whoever is beating the crap out of the Raiders. When people out East tell you they have mountains in their state too, you just laugh. You go anywhere else on the planet and the air feels 'sticky' and you notice the sky is no longer blue. Kids Are Quick TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America . TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty? TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. ' TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him? TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his? TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? 'Dream as if you'll live forever; live as if you'll die today' 'Don't believe everything you think' 'Feel free to insult my work, as long as you come up with an interesting insult...' 'A life -Cool- were can I download one of them from!' '42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot' 'I intend to live forever. So far, so good.' 'Everything looks important in italics' HISTORY: The tale of how many different nations, from all across the world, gained their independence from Great Britain.' 'I thought I was losing my mind, but then I realized that it's been gone for a while.' 'When in doubt, mumble.' 'If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.' 'Worrying works! About 90% of the things I worry about never happen!" 'With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.' 'Dyslexic Devil Worshipers Sell Their Souls to Santa' Haikus are easy. But sometimes they don't make sense. Refrigerator. OBITUARY FOR THE LATE MR. COMMON SENSE Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense,who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and Maybe it was my fault. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6 year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition. Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get Parental consent to administer Calpol, sun lotion, or a band-aid to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion. Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault. Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by his 3 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing. ( we will miss you MR. Common Sense ) Female Comebacks Man: Where have you been all my life? Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before? Man: Is this seat empty? Man: Your place or mine? Man: So, what do you do for a living? Man: Hey baby, what's your sign? Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning? Man: Your body is like a temple. Man: I would go to the end of the world for you. Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy. Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put "U" and "I" together A teenage girl about 17 named Diane had gone to visit some friends one evening and time passed quickly as each shared their various experiences of the past year. She ended up staying longer than planned, and had to walk home alone. She wasn't afraid because it was a small town and she lived only a few blocks away. As she walked along under the tall elm trees, Diane asked God to keep her safe from harm and danger. When she reached the alley, which was a short cut to her house, she decided to take it. However, halfway down the alley she noticed a man standing at the end as though he were waiting for her. She became uneasy and began to pray, asking for God's protection. Instantly a comforting feeling of quietness and security wrapped round her, she felt as though someone was walking with her. When she reached the end of the alley, she walked right past the man and arrived home safely. The following day, she read in the newspaper that a young girl had been raped in the same alley just twenty minutes after she had been there. Feeling overwhelmed by this tragedy and the fact that it could have been her, she began to weep. Thanking the Lord for her safety and to help this young woman, she decided to go to the police station. She felt she could recognize the man, so she told them her story. The police asked her if she would be willing to look at a lineup to see if she could identify him. She agreed and immediately pointed out the man she had seen in the alley the night before. When the man was told he had been identified, he immediately broke down and confessed. The officer thanked Diane for her bravery and asked if there was anything they could do for her. She asked if they would ask the man one question. Diane was curious as to why he had not attacked her. When the policeman asked him, he answered, "Because she wasn't alone. She had two tall men walking on either side of her." Amazingly, whether you believe or not, you're never alone. Did you know that 98 of teenagers will not stand up for God, and 93 of the people that read this won’t repost it? Repost this if you truly believe in God. PS: God is always there in your heart and loves you no matter what, You know you live in 2010 when... 1.) You accidentally enter your password on a microwave. 2.) You haven't played solitaire with real cards for years. 3.) The reason for not staying in touch with your friends is they don't have a screen name or MySpace. 4.) You'd rather look all over the house for the remote instead of just pushing the buttons on the TV. 6.) Your boss doesn't even have the ability to do your job. 7.) As you read this list you keep nodding and smiling. 8.) As you read this list you think about sending it to all your friends. 9.) And you were too busy to notice number 5. 10.) You look back up to see if there was a number 5. 11.) Now you are laughing at yourself stupidly. 12) Copy and paste this into your profile if you fell for it. I know you did. Who lives in a pineapple under the sea...(change channel) d-d-d-d-dora (change channel) Heeeeey its Fraaaanklin. That's what you get for waking up early!!!! Teacher: " Who did the homework?" Look at the keyboard, it has U and I together. Look underneath that, it says JK. Next to that spells LOL, and ends with a :P I THROW MY HANDS IN THE AIR SOMETIMES SAYING- OMG ARE YOU OKAY? Wow, sorry dude. Didn't mean to hit you. :S Mom: YOUR GROUNDED. Edward isn't a Vampire. He lives in the forest, he doesn't eat people, and he sparkles. He's obviously a Fairy. Best friends.. You fight, I fight. You hurt, I hurt. You cry, I cry. You jump off a bridge; I get in a paddleboat and save your stupid ass. ROTFLOLASHTINCBISAGO WOTTARUTDIAIOA - Rolling on the floor laughin out loud and so hard that i nearly choke but i see a glass of water on the table and reach up to drink it and im ok again FIRE ALARM* I dont have attention problems, I just... Do you like waffles? 'OGC' sideways looks like someone wanking! Hiding your face while laughing, bcause the teacher's screaming Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse XD Some people come into your life and leave a footprint on your heart. Some people come into your life and you want to leave a footprint on their face. Don’t double dip. It annoys some people. Triple dip. Piss everyone off!!! Doesn’t care if Charlotte is a warm, tender, loving, motherly spider. If she ever comes anywhere near me, she's still getting the shoe. Anyone can trip down stairs; you have to be a freaking genius to trip up them! Ur mama so fat she ate Jenny AND Craig! Ever wondered what colour Smurfs would go if you choke them? Caution! Blonde thinking... could be dangerous or even fatal! i didn't lose my mind, i just can’t remember where i put it Is smiling... ...this should scare you :) Has decided that from now on whenever someone asks me to do something I’ll say "Do you want fries with that?" ...why do people say expect the unexpected? Because isn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected expected? note to self: Do Not punch others in the face I love being me; it pisses off all the right people. Dear Monday, I hate you! Love from Me xo For men who think.”A women's place is in the kitchen," Just remember, that's where the knives are kept! On a scale from 0 to insane, I'm Batman! Definition of pointless = chocolate in resealable bags! SHOUTS: QUICK GET A SPOON! ME BISCUITS FALLEN IN ME DRINK! ITS DROWNING! ITS DROWNING! ITS...oh its drowned Have you ever watched someone fall down the stairs?? There just like Slinky's except they make it the whole way!! Is going to visit the purple kitty cats in her closet today. OH NO! The orange doggies are chasing the purple kitty cats! HURRY YELLOW UNICORN HELP THEM! Do not interrupt me when I'm concocting evil schemes or i will bite you. Has a brilliant idea of what to do for fun, next time she goes to the zoo she will start running towards the exit shouting RUN THEY'RE LOOSE! Today, my friend showed me that the word OK looks like a sideways person. Then I pointed out that QK looks like a ninja. I win. Is wondering if you could breathe through your butt like a turtle would you suffocate when you sat down? Bubble wrap... addicting people since 1957 I've told them a hundred times--don't touch the whatchamacallit because it will make the doohickey not work with the thingamabob! I watched a PG movie without my parents’ permission. What. A. Rebel. I bet a lot of mimes choke to death because nobody believes they're really choking. You squeeze a lemon, you get lemon juice. You squeeze an orange, you get orange juice. So how come when you squeeze a cow, you get milk??? COW JUICE, PEOPLE. Don't ever, ever, EVER!!! Touch a crazy woman's pudding!!! I will STAB YOU WITH A SPOON! Was in the park flying a kite and a guy walks up and says "You flying a kite?" Nope, we're fishing for birds. Crazy? I was crazy once,they put me in a round room- I HATE ROUND ROOMS, they remind me of worms. WORMS? I hate worms they drive crazy! CRAZY? I was crazy once! Saw it... Wanted it... Threw a tantrum... And got it.. Hates when you walk through a spider web and you start waving your arms around in the air and screaming and from far away you look like a crazy person I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new children's iPod after realising that iTouch Kids is not a good product name. Says I must remember it is against the law to strangle and kill stupid people People that know me think I'm quiet. My friends think I'm out-going. My BEST friends KNOW I'm completely insane! I get distracted cleaning my room because I find such awesome things! I'm gonna gather the purple penguins, pink elephants, green monkeys, and the red kangaroos and start me a SKITTLE ARMY! Hahahaha Hi... can I borrow your pen? I need to stab you in the eye with it. My logic may not always be logical to you but clearly my logic is logical because, logically my logic is logical. Any questions? Well this is going downhill faster than a wagon full of fat kids! Says if you were on a deserted island and you could only bring one item, how come people never say "a boat"? Finding a needle in a haystack is simple... All you have to do is set the haystack on fire. I am glad that McDonalds does not sell hot dogs. Seriously I could never order a "McWeiner" with a straight face. To vegetarians: I eat the cows which produce the methane causing global warming while you eat the plants trying to fix global warming so who's really killing the planet? If you believe in Jesus Christ put this in your profile and don't just ignore this, because in the Bible it says "if you deny me, I will deny you in front of my Father in the gates of Heaven." If you ever forgotten what you were talking about in a conversation copy and paste this into your profile If at least once a week, someone misspells or mispronounces your last name wrong...copy and paste to your profile 65 percent of Teenagers spend more time watching TV rather then read. If you are part of the 35 percent who read more that watch TV then cut and paste this to your Profile. If you claim to have no life and are proud of it, copy and paste this into your profile. If you spend multiple hours each day reading and/or writing copy and paste this into your profile. If you haven't died yet, copy and paste this onto your profile. (woo joing the party of the living) If you are bored and like to write stuff, copy and paste this onto your profile. If you would stand up for your favorite pairings and are proud of it, copy and paste this into your profile and add your name after mine: Mind Seeker, Dewdrop13, Medalis, Invisibool, DeaMii22, Mythscaenger, puckabrina-percabeth-fax101(OK my name makes it OBVIOUS), Silkmouse, Qille, cookie stealing kitty If you obsessively check your email almost every 10 minutes, copy and paste this to your profile If you think copying and pasting things into your profile is fun copy and paste this in your profile. :D If you know a jerk named Holden who derserves a good kick in the pants copy and paste this onto your profile. Milk tastes good. People call me crazy, but I'm just random! If you're random and proud of it, put this in your profile. I If you ever forgotten what you were talking about in a conversation, put it in your profile.. If you've been on the computer for hours on end, reading numerous fanfictions, copy this into your profile. If you think that writing Fanfic stories is fun then copy this onto your profile! If you've ever copied and pasted something onto your profile, copy and paste this onto your profile.( so many that i actually have to check i haven't already copied and pasted somethings) If at one time you misspelled or forgot how to spell a word less than four letters, copy and paste this onto your profile. If you ever read past two in the morning, copy and paste this to your profile.. If you have a true friend, copy and paste this into your profile If you read people's profiles looking for things to copy and paste into your profile, copy and paste this into your profile lol Ponder these imponderables! Imponderables If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen? If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights? You know how most packages say "Open here". What happens if you open it somewhere else? Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM? Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways? Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards? Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo? You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance? Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio? If you have your finger touching the rearview mirror that says -- "objects in mirror are closer than they appear", how can that be possible? Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC? If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with? Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one? Why does your nose run and your feet smell? Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing? If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress? Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together? Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same? Why is it called a "building" when it is already built? Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together? Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream? If you keep trying to prove Murphy's Law, will something keep going wrong? Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing? How can someone "draw a blank"? Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"? Why is the word "abbreviate" so long? Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes? Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there? Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing? If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots? Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings? If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors? If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose? If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan? Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets? What is another word for "thesaurus"? When they ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in? If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away? Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is? Why do 'tug' boats push their barges? Why do we sing 'Take me out to the ball game', when we are already there? Why are they called 'stands' when they're made for sitting? Why is there only ONE Monopolies Commission? Does a fish get cramps after eating? Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing? Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a "near miss"? Shouldn't it be called a "near hit"? What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane? How can there be "self help GROUPS"? Why are we afraid of falling? Shouldn't we be afraid of the sudden stop? Why is it called a bust, when it stops right before the part it is named after? Why is it called 'after dark', when it is really after light? HOW TO INSTALL SOFTWARE, the Truth! 1. Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed box that explains what kind of computer system you need to run the software. It should look something like this: SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS NOTE: This software will not work on your computer. 2. Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will contain detailed instructions on installing, operating, and troubleshooting the software. Throw it away. 3. Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a 3.5-inch floppy diskette or a CD-ROM, located inside a sealed envelope that says: LICENSING AGREEMENT: 4. Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say, "(Name of child), please install this on my computer." 5. If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software in the appropriate drive, type "SETUP" and press the Enter key. 6. Turn the computer on, you idiot. 7. Once again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key. 8. You will hear grinding and whirring noises for awhile, after which the following message should appear on your screen: The installation Program will now examine your system to see what would be the best way to render it inoperable. Is it OK with you? Choose one, and be honest: 9. After you make your selection, you will hear grinding and whirring for a very long time while the installation program does God knows what in there. Some installation programs can actually alter molecular structures, so that when they're done, your computer has been transformed into an entirely new device, such as a food processor. At the very least, the installation program will create many new directories, sub-directories, sub-sub-directories, on your hard drive and fill them with thousands of mysterious files with names like "puree.exe," "fester.dat," and "doo.wha." 10. When the installation program is finished, your screen should display the following message: CONGRATULATIONS The installation program cannot think of anything else to do to your computer and has grown bored. You may now attempt to run your software. If you experience any problems, electrical shocks, insomnia, shortness of breath, nasal discharge, or intestinal parasites, you should immediately *!@!$)$%@&*)$*!#$_$. 11. At this point your computer system should become less functional than the federal government, refusing to respond even when struck with furniture. 12. Call the toll-free Technical Support Hotline number listed on the package and wait on the line for a representative, who will explain to you, in a clear, step-by-step manner, how to adopt a child aged 3 through 12. Some rules to live by Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue. Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them. Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it. Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors, and miss. Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker. Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day. If life gives you lemons, squeeze the juice into a watergun and shoot other people in the eyes. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague. If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. Never buy a car you can't push. Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don't have a leg to stand on. Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. The early worm gets eaten by the bird, so sleep late. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. You are what you eat. So stay away from the jerk chicken. Be nice to the nerds and geeks in high school -- you'll be working for them in the future. Girls QUESTIONS... 1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 2) Which country makesPanamahats? 3) From which animal do we get catgut? 4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? 5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? 6) TheCanary Islandsin the Pacific are named after what animal? 7) What was King George VI's first name? 8) What color is a purple finch? 9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? 10) How long did the Thirty Years War last? ANSWERS... 1) 116 years, from 1337 to 1453. 2)Ecuador. 3) From sheep and horses. 4) November. The Russian calendar was 13 days behind ours. 5) Squirrel fur. 6) The Latin name was Insularia Canaria -Islandof the Dogs. 7) Albert. When he came to the throne in 1936 he respected the wish of QueenVictoriathat no future king should ever be called Albert. 8) Distinctively crimson. 9)New Zealand. 10) Thirty years, of course. From 1618 to 1648. Read some very funny answering machine messages These are supposedly actual answering machine announcements. 1. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished. 2. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message. 3. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money. 4. Hi. Now you say something. 5. Hi, I'm not home right now, but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep. 6. Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you? 7. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner! 8. Hi! John's answering machine is broken This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets. 9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you. 10. This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number and your reason for calling, and I'll think about returning your call. 11. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you. 12. Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by your phone until I call you back. 13. If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a message. 14. Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us. 15. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you. Check out some supposedly true and very funny answers in a written driving test The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road? Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time? Q: When driving through fog, what should you use? Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving? Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully? Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed? Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light? Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic? Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem? 25 Steps To Building A Webpage 1. Download a piece of Web authoring software 20 minutes. This is a really good beer problem information sheet SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal clear. SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in. SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet. SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet. SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless. SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts. SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. SYMPTOM: Floor blurred. SYMPTOM: Floor moving. SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark. SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles. SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear. SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted. SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song. Actual answers given by students on their test papers Men are mammals and women are femammals. Involuntary muscles are not as willing as voluntary ones. Cadavers are dead bodies that have donated themselves to science. This procedure is called gross anatomy. Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water. When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire. H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water. Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull. Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas. A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars and eight cuspidors. Germinate: To become a naturalized German. Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot. Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives. Welcome to The Weakest Link. Here is a very simple little test comprised of four questions to determine the level of your intellect. Your replies must be spontaneous and immediate, with no deliberating or wasting time. And NO CHEATING. On your mark, set...GO!!! 1: You are competing in a race, and overtake the runner in second place. Answer: If you answered that you're now coming first then you're completely wrong. You overtook the second runner and took their place, therefore you're coming second. For the next question try not to be so dumb. 2 : If you overtake the last runner, what position are you now in? Answer: If you answered second-last, once again you're completely wrong. Think about it...How can you over take the person coming last? If you're behind them then they can't be last. The answer is impossible!! It would appear that thinking is not one of your strong points. You would make a good door-stop!!! Anyway, here's another to try, don't take any notes or use a calculator, and remember your replies must be instantaneous. 3 : Take 1000. Add 40. Add another 1000. Add 30. 1000 again. Plus 20. Plus 1000. And plus 10. What is the total ? Answer: 5000??? Wrong again!!!! 4 : Marie's father has five daughters: Question: What is the fifth daughter's name? Answer: Chuchu??? WRONG!!!!! You are clearly the weakest link...GOODBYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Something Americans might find interesting (and the rest of us will find funny!) When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C. The Russians used a pencil. Enjoy paying your taxes. A good example of an idiot ringing technical support Customer: "I got this problem. You people sent me this install disk, and now my A drive won't work." Tech Support: "Your A drive won't work?" Customer: "That's what I said. You sent me a bad disk, it got stuck in my drive, now it won't work at all." Tech Support: "Did it not install properly? What kind of error messages did you get?" Customer: "I didn't get any error message. The disk got stuck in the drive and wouldn't come out. So I got these pliers and tried to get it out and that didn't work either." Tech Support: "You did what sir?" Customer: "I got these pliers, and tried to get the disk out, but it wouldn't budge. I just ended up cracking the plastic stuff a bit." Tech Support: "I don't understand sir, did you push the eject button?" Customer: "No, so then I got a stick of butter and melted it and used a turkey baster and put the butter in the drive, around the disk, and that got it loose. Then I used the pliers and it came out fine. I can't believe you would send me a disk that was broke and defective." Tech Support: "Let me get this clear. You put melted butter in your A drive and used pliers to pull the disk out?" (At this point, I put the call on the speaker phone and motioned at the other techs to listen in.) Tech Support: "Just so I am absolutely clear on this, can you repeat what you just said?" Customer: "I said I put butter in my A drive to get your crappy disk out, then I had to use pliers to pull it out." Tech Support: "Did you push that little button that was sticking out when the disk was in the drive, you know, the thing called the disk eject button?" ( Silence. ) Tech Support: "Sir?" Customer: "Yes." Tech Support: "Sir, did you push the eject button?" Customer: "No, but you people are going to fix my computer, or I am going to sue you for breaking my computer!" Tech Support: "Let me get this straight. You are going to sue our company because you put the disk in the A drive, didn't follow the instructions we sent you, didn't actually seek professional advice, didn't consult your user's manual on how to use your computer properly, but instead proceeded to pour butter into the drive and physically rip the disk out?" Customer: "Ummmm." Tech Support: "Do you really think you stand a chance, since we do record every call and have it on tape?" Customer: (now rather humbled) "But you're supposed to help!" Tech Support: "I am sorry sir, but there is nothing we can do for you. Have a nice day!" Why punctuation is important Dear John: I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let me be yours? Gloria Dear John: I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be? Yours, Gloria More Men v Women stuff ROMANCE MATHEMATICS Smart man smart woman =3D romance OFFICE ARITHMETIC Smart boss smart employee = profit SHOPPING MATH A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. HAPPINESS To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. LONGEVITY Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die. PROPENSITY TO CHANGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals. The Fundamental Differences Between Men & Women NICKNAMES EATING OUT BATHROOMS CATS Women love cats. DRESSING UP NATURAL OFFSPRING THOUGHT FOR THE DAY What a woman says: What a man hears: What is written on a job advert, and what it actually means "COMPETITIVE SALARY" "JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM" "CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE" "MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED" "SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED" "DUTIES WILL VARY" "MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL" "CAREER-MINDED" "APPLY IN PERSON" "NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE" "SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE" "PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST" "REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS" "GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS" Why English is the hardest language to learn 1, The bandage was wound around the wound. 2, The farm was used to produce produce. 3, The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse. 4, There is no time like the present, so he thought he would present the present. 5, When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes. 6, He did not object to the object. 7, The insurance was invalid for the invalid. 8,The oarsmen had a row about how to row. 9, he was too close to the door to close it. 10, A stag does strange things when the does are present. 11, After a number of injections my jaw became number. 12, The artist saw a tear in his painting and shed a tear. 13,She had to subject the subject to a series of tests. 14, An army chef decided to desert his dessert in the desert. Also... There are no eggs in an eggplant, no apple or pine in pineapple. Quicksand works slowly. Boxing rings are square. Guinea pigs are neither fromGuineaor are pigs. Writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham. If a vegetarian eats veg, what does an humanitarian eat? A slim chance and a fat chance are similar. So are quite a lot and quite a few. But overlook and oversee are very different. You fill in a form to fill it out. An alarm goes off by going on. When the stars are out, you see their light but when the lights are out you see nothing. 4 ways to be KICKED out of a supermarket: #1: If you can, write "I see dead people..." on the typewriters. 100 Things to do if bored during class 1. Devise a secret code with your friends then hand in the homework in that code The Ten Commandments of Reviewing - created by FictionReader98 and Zoneshifter D 7 Ways to Scare your roommates 7) Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, "Soon, soon..." 6) Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil. 5) Tell your roommate, "I've got an important message for you." Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what the message was. Later on, say, "Oh, yeah, I remember!" Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks. 4) While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan. 3) Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, "Hey, where the heck is my sandwich?" Complain loudly that you are hungry. 2) Every time your roommate walks in yell, "Hooray! You're back!" as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, "Shouldn't you be going somewhere?" 1) Talk back to your Rice Krispies. All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, "No, I want to watch them suffer." 45 Things to do during an Exam! 1. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!" 2. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure that you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is. 3. Bring a Game Boy. Play with the volume at max level. 4. On the answer sheet find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative. 5. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off. 6. 15 min. into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every 15 min. 7. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else. 8. Come down with a BAD case of Tourette's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible. 9. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you. 10. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it. 11. Every 5 min. stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam. 12. Turn in the exam approx. 30 min. into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was. 13. Get the exam. 20 min into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Darn this!" and walk out triumphantly. 14. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (ie. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go ice skating.) 15. Show up completely insane (completely insane means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy). 16. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day. 17. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 min, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away. 18. If the exam is math/sciences related, make up the longest proofs you could possible think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story. 19. Try to get people in the room to do a wave. 20. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice. (I would never do that) 21. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach. 22. Puke into your exam booklet. Hand it in. Leave. 23. Take 6 packages of rice cakes to the exam. Stuff at least 2 rice cakes into your mouth at once. Chew, then cough. Repeat if necessary. 24. Act spazzy 25. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About 5 min into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the heck are you? Where's the regular guy?" 26. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! 27. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out. 28. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!" 29. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai. 30. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her. 31. In the middle of the test, have a friend rush into the classroom, tag your hand, and resume taking your test for you. When the teacher asks what's going on, calmly explain the rules of Tag Team Testing to him/her. 32. Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious... like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit." 33. Stand up after about 15 minutes, and say loudly, "Okay, let's double-check our answers! Number one, A. Number two, C. Number three, E..." 34. Fake an heart attack. When interrupted, apologize, and explain that question #_ moved you, deeply. 35. Wear a superman outfit under your normal clothes. 30 minutes into the exam, jump up and answer your phone, shouting "What? I'm on my way!!". rip off your outer clothes and run out of the room. strike a pose first for added effect. 36. Tailgate outside the classroom before the exam. 37. If your answers are on a scantron sheet, fill it out in pen. 38. Bring a giant cockroach into the room and release it on a girly-girl nearby. 39. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle. 40. Bring one pencil with a very sharp point. Break the point off your pencil. Sharpen the pencil. Repeat this process for one hour. 41. Make Strange noises... get people to stare... look at the person next to you as if he/she did it. 42. Dress like the professor. 43. Cross-Dress. 44. Use Invisible Ink to answer the whole exam. 45. Order catering. The catering company should come in about halfway through the test, and should include at least three waiters, eight carts of food, and five candelabras. The Percy Jackson pledge: I promise to remember Percy Whenever I'm at sea I promise to remember Annabeth Whenever a spider comes at me I promise to protect nature For Grover's sake of course I promise to remember Luke When my heart fills with remorse I promise to remember Chiron Whenever I see a sign that says ''Free Pony Ride'' I promise to remember Tyson Whenever a friend says they'll stick by my side I promise to remember Thalia Whenever a friend is scared of heights I promise to remember Clarisse Whenever I see someone that gives me a fright I promise to remember Bianca Whenever I see a sister scold her younger brother I promise to remember Nico Whenever I see someone who doesn't get along with others I promise to remember Zoe Whenever I watch the stars I promise to remember Rachel Whenever a limo passes my car. Yes I promise to remember PJO Wherever I may go 16 ways to perplex, confuse or just scare people in a Computer Lab 1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt. You say Twilight You may be stupid if... You may be stupid if... ...you can't remember how to spell "IQ." ...you can't remember the number for 911. ...you just discovered your AM radio also works in the afternoon. ...you use correction fluid on your PC monitor. ...you fail Physical Education. ...you can not spell it. ...you try to turn the light on to find a flashlight in a power outage! ...you put braille on a drive up teller machine. ...you think Taco Bell is a Mexican phone company. ...you think a pigpen is something to write with!!! ...you think a cartoon is a song about automobiles. ...you use your CD-ROM unit as a drink holder. ...you frequently misspell your own name. ...you've ever been stuck in a toilet seat. ...you walk your kid to school because you're in the same grade. ...it takes you two hours to watch 60 minutes. ...you often wonder who Ronald McDonald's parents are. ...you sell your car for gas money. ...you think Hamburger Helper comes with a man. ...you try thinking and nothing happens. ...you think a quarterback is a refund ...you think hot dogs are real meat. ...people nick-name you Homer. ...you cook Minute Rice for an hour! ...upon approaching a traffic sign that says STOP AHEAD, you reach over and grab your passenger by the top of the head. ...you lose $25 on a horse race and then lose $25 on the instant replay ...you were the one testing out the shark bite suit. ...you get tangled up in a cordless phone. ...you need to be reminded to breath. ...someone tells you to call 911, and you can't find the 11! ...you take a donut back cause it has a hole in it! ...you stare at an orange juice can because it says concentrate. ...you have to look "stupid" up in the dictionary. ...you sit on the TV and watch the couch. ...you tell your wife not to laugh as you point a gun to your head, because she is next! ...you think Yogi Bear played for the Yankees. ...you bronze a gold medal as a keep sake. ...you get lost in your closet. ... you take an I.Q. test and forget to write your name. ...you go around a revolving door looking for the door knob. ...you list the police department as a reference on your resume. ...you get fired from volunteer work. ...a hamburger is a cheeseburger, hold the cheese, to you. ...you run around looking for a quarter to call 911. ...you can't find the "ANY" key on the keyboard. ...you feel for one millisecond that you may have won the sweepstakes this time despite the fact that it is stamped in clear view "bulk rate." ...you try to look up a word in the dictionary without knowing how to spell it correctly, and you can't find it. Feeling like a ''genius'', that you realize that WEBSTER'S DICTIONARY made an error. ...you have to look on both ends to open a bottle. ...someone offers you a bagel and you reply, "No thanks, I already have a dog!" ...you turn the light on to see if it's dark. ...you take your chia pet for a walk. ...you wear your glasses while looking for them. ...you think it's funny when someone makes fun of you. ...you laugh at yourself when you step in dog crap. ...you come out of the shower and burp a soap bubble. ...you can't find your ringing phone. ...you ask someone "Can I ask you one question?". ...you're saying "I don't get it!" right now. ...you put the milk in the dishwasher and the glass in the fridge. ...you can't find this website. ...you see a sign with a cigarette with a \ through it and just think that the owner of that sign hates drugs, and then light a cigarette. ...you can't get online right now. ...you went to the library to read. ...you figured you were stupid from the last line you just read. ...you just threw your monitor out the window. ...you just walked outside to see if you had mail because your computer said you did. ...you went to a movie to catch up on some reading. ...you tried to get off drugs by pushing the "Caps Lock" key. ...you used your friends computer to get home by pressing "Home". ...you typed your soc. security number in just for fun ...you just played 53 pickup ...you put doritos in a tennis ball launcher and had one smack you in the head. ...you pushed the "emergency stop" button on an elevator to see what it did. Birth Months: (bold yours) JANUARY: FEBRUARY: MARCH: APRIL: MAY: JUNE: JULY: AUGUST: SEPTEMBER: OCTOBER: NOVEMBER: DECEMBER: I was walking around in a Target store, when I saw a cashier hand this little boy some money back. The boy couldn't have been more than 5 or 6 years old. The cashier said, "I'm sorry, but you don't have enough money to buy this doll." Then the little boy turned to the old woman next to him: ''Granny, are you sure I don't have enough money?'' The old lady replied: ''You know that you don't have enough money to buy this doll, my dear.'' Then she asked him to stay there for just 5 minutes while she went to look a round. She left quickly. The little boy was still holding the doll in his hand. Finally, I walked toward him and I asked him who he wished to give this doll to. "It's the doll that my sister loved most and wanted so much for Christmas. She was sure that Santa Claus would bring it to her." I replied to him that maybe Santa Claus would bring it to her afterall, and not to worry. But he replied to me sadly. "No, Santa Claus can't bring it to her where she is now. I have to give the doll to my mommy so that she can give it to my sister when she goes there." His eyes were so sad while saying this. "My sister has gone to be with God. Daddy says that Mommy is going to see God very soon too, so I thought that she could take the doll with her to give it to my sister.'' My heart nearly stopped. The little boy looked up at me and said: "I told daddy to tell mommy not to go yet. I need her to wait until I come back from the mall." Then he showed me a very nice photo of him where he was laughing. He then told me "I want mommy to take my picture with her so she won't forget me. I love my mommy and I wish she doesn't have to leave me, but daddy says that she has to go to be with my little sister." Then he looked again at the doll with sad eyes, very quietly. I quickly reached for my wallet and said to the boy. "Suppose we check again, just in case you do have enough money for the doll?'' "OK," he said, "I hope I do have enough." I added some of my money to his without him seeing and we started to count it. There was enough for the doll and even some spare money. The little boy said: "Thank you God for giving me enough money!" Then he looked at me and added, "I asked last night before I went to sleep for God to make sure I had enough money to buy this doll, so that mommy could give it to my sister. He heard me!'' "I also wanted to have enough money to buy a white rose for my mommy, but I didn't dare to ask God for too much. But He gave me enough to buy the doll and a white rose.'' "My mommy loves white roses." A few minutes later, the old lady returned and I left with my basket. I finished my shopping in a totally different state from when I started. I couldn't get the little boy out of my mind. Then I remembered a local newspaper article two days ago, which mentioned a drunk man in a truck, who hit a car occupied by a young woman and a little girl. The little girl died right away, and the mother was left in a critical state. The family had to decide whether to pull the plug on the life-sustaining machine, because the young woman would not be able to recover from the coma. Was this the family of the little boy? Two days after this encounter with the little boy, I read in the newspaper that the young woman had passed away. I couldn't stop myself as I bought a bunch of white roses and I went to the funeral home where the body of the young woman was exposed for people to see and make last wishes before her burial. She was there, in her coffin, holding a beautiful white rose in her hand with the photo of the little boy and the doll placed over her chest. I left the place, teary-eyed, feeling that my life had been changed forever.. The love that the little boy had for his mother and his sister is still, to this day, hard to imagine. And in a fraction of a second, a drunk driver had taken all this away from him. Now you have 2 choices: 1) Repost this message. 2) Ignore it as if it never touched your heart Words of Wisdom and Quotes -Do not argue with an idiot, he will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. -Some people are only alive because it's illegal to kill them -Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat -There are few problems that can’t be solved with high explosives -Be patient. Waiting allows the development of humility. -Weird is good, strange is bad, and odd is when you don't know which to call someone. Weird is the same as different, which is the same as unique, then weird is good? -Nothing makes us so lonely as our own secrets. -Don't let fear rule your life since F.E.A.R. stands for False.Evidence.Appearing.Real. Either that or it stands for First.Encounter.Assault.Recon. -Asking for patience is asking for more problems... -Living in denial is living a lie. -A weak opponent in the past can become a dangerous one in the future. -Time is a great teacher, unfortunately it kills all of its pupils. -A man with nothing to lose is capable of anything -When you curse someone, you dig your own grave. -Because our entire universe is made up of consciousness, we never really experience the universe directly we just experience our consciousness of the universe, our perception of it, so right, our only universe is perception. -When outnumbered, don't think of it as outnumbered, think of it as a wide target selection. -Keep smiling, it makes people wonder what you’re up to. -Silence is the most pleasing sound, so shut up. -Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. -Learn to recognize when speed is not important. Race when being first is important; move at your own pace at all other times. It is not necessary to always strike the first blow, to provide the first solution, or to reach a goal before anyone else does. In fact, it is sometimes vital to strike the last blow, to give the final answer, or to arrive after everyone else. -War does not determine who is right only who is left. -Heroes come and go, but the stories never change, the battle between good and evil will rage on for millenniums to come, yet through out all time there is one thing that has never changed, evil never dies, and heroes never surrender! -One who does not sacrifice anything cannot achieve anything. -You laugh because I'm different, I laugh because you're all the same! -I don't hit people, I only Hi-5 their faces! 20 Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity: 1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down. 2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice. 3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that. 4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label it "In". 5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso. 6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds". 7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy". 8. Don't use any punctuation. 9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk. 10. Order a Diet Water when ever you go out to eat, with a serious face. 11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go". 12. Sing Along At The Opera. 13. Go To A Poetry Recital. And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme? 14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area and Play tropical Sounds All Day. 15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In the Mood. 16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom. 17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!" 18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!" 19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go." 20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity: Send This In An E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile! JOKES!!! One day a woman caught a magic frog while jogging. The frog gave her three wishes for catching him, but with one catch: everything she wished for, her husband would also get, only he'd get 10 times more than her. First she wished to be the most beautiful woman on earth. "Are you sure? Your husband will be 10 times more beautiful than you," the frog clarified. "Oh yes, I'm sure." ZAP! The woman was instantly beautiful, but she was still only the second most beautiful on earth, her husband being first. "My second wish is that I wish I was the richest person on earth," she told the frog. "You sure? Your husband will have 10 times more money than you." "Oh yes." "Okay, then." ZAP! Trillions and trillions of dollars appeared in a safe in the woman's house. However, her husband was granted with even more money. "What's your third wish?" the frog asked. "I wish for a mild heart attack. A couple of strangers were drinking at a cliffside bar overlooking the ocean. Both of them look a little drunk, when one says to the other: "Hey, look at the wind whipping up the side of that cliff. It moves pretty fast. I'll bet I could jump off of the ledge, catch the wind in my coat, and get lifted right back up to the bar!" "No way", says the other guy, "you'd fall to your death." "Well, I'm going to try it!", says the first, and at that he walks over, stands on the ledge, and leaps off in a swan dive. Sure enough, he comes sailing back up in no time, and lands on his feet right in front of the bar. "I can't believe it!" says the second guy, "that's impossible" . So the first drunk does it again: he jumps off the cliff, catches the wind in his coat, and comes sailing back to the bar. "Go ahead", he says, "try it, it's great!" "Well, OK, I'm just drunk enough to give it a go", says the second fellow. So he climbs the ledge and leaps off the cliff, only to fall screaming to his death on the rocks below. The first guy walks back to the bar and sits down to his drink. The bartender steps over, looks him in the eye, and says to him: "You know, you can be a real jerk sometimes when you've been drinking, Superman". DORMITORY: PRESBYTERIAN: ASTRONOMER: DESPERATION: THE EYES: GEORGE BUSH: THE MORSE CODE: SLOT MACHINES: ANIMOSITY: ELECTION - RESULTS: SNOOZE ALARMS: A DECIMAL POINT: THE EARTHQUAKES: ELEVEN PLUS TWO: AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE: MOTHER-IN-LAW: Put this It's the 50's, and a black man drinks from a white water fountain. A white man approaches him and says, "Excuse me, that is for whites only. You are colored." The black man then raises his head, and replies, "I was black when I was born. I'm black when I'm cold. I'm black when I'm hot. I'm black when I'm sick, and I'll be black when I die. You sir, are pink when you're born. Blue when you're cold. Red when you're hot. Green when you're sick. And purple when you die. Now who's the colored one?" Whoo-hoo! Go anti-racists! ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... .sSS... ... ..sS... ... ... ... ... ... ... . If you're a girl and you've ever 50 OR SO AWESOME WAYS TO MAKE YOUR TEACHER WANNA BACKHAND YOU!!! 1. Walk into the classroom like a super spy. (keep your back on the walls as you walk, point your finger up like a gun, look around with shifty eyes, hum the mission impossible theme, etc.) 2. After everything your teacher says, ask why continuously. 3. If your teacher is yelling at a classmate, wait for them to finish their tantrum then ask” DOES SOMEBODY NEED A HUG??” very loudly. 4. If your teacher starts blowing up at you for saying that, simply reply, “wow I can tell you’re a blast at parties” 5. Sit in a corner and wait for everyone to stare at you. When they do, grab your head and scream “ THE LIGHT! MAKE IT STOP! ARGH IT BURNS!!” 6. Flick pieces of paper around the class. 7. When your teacher tells you to stop, cross your arms and say, “Your racist against paper aren’t you.” 8. Don’t do your Homework. 9. When your teacher asks you why you didn’t do your homework say “I dropped it while beating up this guy for saying you’re the worst teacher ever.” then sit there and smile sweetly. 10. When you have a substitute teacher, wait for them to write their name on the board. Then when they say hello my name is Mr./Mrs (insert name here), you stand up and say “PROVE IT!” 11. When your teacher asks why you were late say, “My goldfish died.” Then burst into tears. 12. When handing in your homework, write "This paper will self-destruct in 5 seconds." at the bottom. 13. When you leave the class bow and say, “May the force be with you, young one.” 14. When the teacher turns the light off, start singing opera as loud as you can. When they turn the light back on, look around pretending to be confused. 15. Whisper to the person next to you. When the teacher comes up behind you, scream “OMG GET AWAY! RAPE! RAPE! RAPE!!” 16. Walk into class dancing the Macarena 17. Tell your teacher you heard the other teachers talking about him/her in the staff room 18. Raise your hand and say "I totally agree!" after everything your teacher says 19. Spend the whole lesson trying to lick your elbow 20. Speak in French. 21. Come late to class in a Spider-Man costume; say there was "a disturbance” 22. When they tell someone to turn around have everyone in class do it as well 23. "The homework’s due now? Oh, give me a minute then." 24. Hand in an essay where every word is misspelt. 25. Run in the room screaming, “THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!” 26. When the teacher asks you why you are late, say, “The queen is never late, everyone else is simply early." 27. When a teacher asks you a question, say, “I’m sorry, the brain you tried to reach has been disconnected, please leave me alone or try again later, thank you.” 28. When the teacher turns on the overhead projector, scream “AAH MY EYES!!” 29. Tell yourself knock-knock jokes, then laugh loads. 30. Hide under your desk and yell “THE SKY IS FALLING!” 31. When someone knocks on the door, shout “OH NO, THEY’RE COMING FOR ME!” 32. Bring in a 4th Grader and says he’s your new pet. 33. In your technology lesson, when the teacher asks you what you are making, say a nuclear bomb. 34. When your teacher asks you a question, just stare at them. 35. Constantly talk to yourself in a low voice. 36. Purposely fall off your chair and make a big scene about it. 37. If you’re playing a really boring game, make a big deal if you win. 38. Glue all their scissors together. 39. Make paperclip jewelery. I.e. necklaces, earrings, etc… 40. Pull out one strand of someone’s hair and yell “DNA!” 41. Wear a sticker or a badge that says ‘I am retarded’ 42. Talk to a pen. 43. Put your hand up in a test and wait for your teacher to come over. When they whisper what’s wrong, yell “NO I WON’T MAKE OUT WITH YOU AFTER CLASS!” 44. Yell “LIAR!” to everything they say. 45. Smile. All the time. 46. Draw a tiny black spot on your arm. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, “It’s spreading, IT’S SPREADING!” 47. When a substitute teacher is taking attendance, say everyone is missing. Then, if they ask who you are, say ‘Your worst Nightmare’ 48. When you know the answer, bounce up and down and go "OOOHH I KNOW THIS!!" 49. When a teacher calls on you say, "I forgot." To every question she asks. 50. If you have to blow your nose in class, blow your nose to the tune of your favorite song. ADDITIONALS 51. When the teacher is not facing you, get the whole class to move their desks forward towards the him/her! 52. Hum throughout the lesson, but make sure you do not get caught! 53. When a teacher asks you a question... Reply "ERM, COMPUTER SAYS NOOO!!" 54. When the teacher makes a statement, stand boldly and shout "I OBJECT!!" 55. REPEAT the last word the teacher says but say it much louder! 56. While the teachers back is turned, everyone swaps seats! 57. If you are sure you haven't passed the test, write your phone number at the end with a heart! 58. When you hear a Police car siren from outside, run around screaming in the classroom shouting "Oh no, they're here. They must have found the body! HELP!" 59. When it's your turn to answer a question... Shout "NEXT!" 60. If you find a pencil on the floor, jump onto a desk, hold up the pencil, and yell, "LITTERING IS WRONG!! WHOEVER DROPPED THIS MUST BE PUNISHED!!" Then run around the room singing in a foreign language. 95% of people would panic if the Jonas brothers stood on the roof of a 3 story building and said they were about to jump. If you are one of the 5 who would get all of your friends, some popcorn, and a soda and scream "JUMP! JUMP! JUMP!" copy this 92 percent of American teens would die if Abercombie and Fitch told them it was uncool to breathe. Copy this in your profile if you would be the 8 percent that would be laughing your butt off There are 3 kinds of people in this world. those who can do math and those who can't. Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up. Keep smiling- it makes everyone wonder what your up too I am NOT saying your stupid...I'm just implying it. Kids are the future. Be scared. Be very scared. When life gives you lemons, squeeze them in life's eye. and say 'How much you like lemons now, Life, huh? Huh?' I called your boyfriend gay and he hit me with his purse. I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out. I'm gonna give him a piece of my mind! but not my brain. I need that. Therapy is expensive. popping bubble wrap is cheap... you decide. Excuse me, have you seen my sanity? I think I lost it. The dinosaurs' extinction wasn't an accident. Barney came and they all commited suicide. Your weirdness is creeping out my imaginary friend. Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning many and 'tics' as in the bloodsucking creatures? The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. A idiot is a window washer on the 44th floor who steps back to admire his work. Don’t knock on death’s door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that. There's no 'I' in 'TEAM' but there's a 'U' in 'SUCK'! I had a friend once, but then the rope broke and he got away. I was going to take over the world but I got distracted by something sparkly I did not hit you. I simply high-fived your face. I didn't run into the door, my face decided to say hello. I never finish anyth People are like slinkies, basically useless. But it's still amusing to watch them fall down the stairs I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no way Paper can beat Rock. Is Paper supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? If so, why can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody, a rock would tear that it up in two seconds. When I play rock/ paper/ scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my ready made fist and say, oh, I'm sorry, I thought paper would protect you! It takes 42 muscles to frown, 28 to smile, and 4 to reach out and slap someone. I'd take a bullet for you. Not in the head, like in the leg or something. Worst. Idea. Ever. [pause] Let's do it. People who investigate noises in horror movies deserve to die. It's better to have loved and lost than to live with the physco for the rest of your life. I've probably learned more from Google than I have from school I'm not crazy. My reality is just different then yours. I'm not easily distr. . .OMG! SHINY! ( omg if you actually point and yell "omg something shiny!" people will look lol:D) If you have ever woundered what it was like to be a character in a movie, copy and paste this to your profile. If you have ever woundered what it was like to be the opposite gender, copy and paste this to your profile. Natural Highs 1. Falling in love. Blondes Special Licnese There was a blonde driving down the center of the road at 100 mph. A police officer pulled her over to the side of the road. When she had stopped, the officer asked, "License and Registration please." "It's okay, Officer, I have a special license that allows me to do this," she said smiling. "That's impossible!" The officer replied, "I've never heard of such a license." To which the driver reached into her purse and handed him her license. Astonished, the Officer said, "Just as I suspected. This is an ordinary license, I see nothing here that would allow you special consideration." She pointed to the bottom of the license and said, "Can you see this?? It says so right here: 'Tear Along The Dotted Line'." 'Blondes Are Not Stupid' Convention 80,000 blondes are gathered for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" convention. The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?" A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "18!" Obviously, everyone is a little disappointed. Then, 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!" The leader says, "Well, since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world-wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance." So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?" After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "90?" The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh. Everyone is disheartened. The blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!" The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than good, eventually says, "OK! OK! Just one more chance. What is 2 plus 2?" The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "4?". Throughout the stadium, pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream ...Give her another chance! Give her another chance! OMG i have such a big profile!!! now off to find more copy and paste thingies to make it BIGGER!!! if you guys actually read this then you can have a cookie!!! |
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