I live in the US.

I am somewhere between 14 and 24. (maybe)

I like action, romance, and comedy.

I LOVE NOODLES!!!!! :)

I like anime and manga, I have read many different ones (to many to count) such as: Fairy tail, Fruits Basket, Bleach, Black Butler, Ouran High School Host Club, Maid Sama, Shugo Chara, Happy Café, Soul Eater, Her Majesties Dog, Vampire Knight, Naruto, and many others. (I forgot a lot of titles)

I love MCR, Sleeping with Sirens, Green Day, Three Doors Down, Pierce the Veil, but I also like Kpop, Vocaloid, and almost any genre of music you can think of :)

This is weird, but interesting! If you can raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too. Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can. I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed erveylteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! Paste this to yuor porifle if you can raed this!

that is so cool! I think that this is awesome :)

1) I need to tell you a secret. go to 5

2) the answer is... go to 11

3) don't get angry. go to 15

4) calm down don't get frustrated. go to 13

5) first go to 2

6) don't be angry just go to 12

7) I just wanted to say hi

8) what I wanted to tell you is...is on 14

9) Be patient and go to 4

10) this is the last time I'm going to send you to a number. go to 7

11) I hope ur not annoyed when I say this...but go to 6

12) sorry out of order. go to 8

13) don't get mad just yet...go to 10

14) I don't know how to say this but... go to 3

15) You must be really bored so go to 9

COPY AND PASTE If YOU Found That Funny

A black man walks into a cafe one early morning and noticed that he was the only black man there. As he sat down, he noticed a white man behind him. The white man said, "Colored people are not allowed here." The black man turned around and stood up. He then said: "When I was born I was black," "When I grew up I was black," "When I'm sick I'm black," "When I go in the sun I'm black," "When I'm cold I'm black," "When I die I'll be black." "But you sir..." "When you're born you're pink," "When you grow up you're white," "When you're sick, you're green," "When you go in the sun you turn red," "When you're cold you turn blue," "And when you die you turn purple." "And yet you have the nerve to call me colored" The black man then sat back down and the white man walked away... Copy this onto your site and help stop racism!

Ninety-five percent of the kids out there are concerned with being popular and fitting in. If you're part of the five percent who aren't, copy this, put it in your profile, and add your name to the list. AnimeKittyCafe, Hyperactivley Bored, Gem W, Bara-Minamino, Yavie Aelinel, Crazy Billie Joe Loving Freak, Shadow929, The Astrology Nerd, brown-eyed angelofmusic, piratesswriter/fairy to be, The Gypsy-Pirate Queen, watching-waiting-wishing, 100-percent-Harry-Potter-obsessed, iluvdavidwright45, dianeandnumairareahotcouple,windsoftiti, Ilovethelittletacos...Ilovethemgood, i-have-issues-deal-with-it, Ninja of the Flames, Spuffy on Hiatus, ilovekyosohma, Chishio Naito, Kish's Kittie, Property of Kish, xMew Ichigox, MikaTheCatHanyou, BubblesBoo THfangirl01, Dragon(just a short name), PokeFreak 38,geny35, Pokemaster101, Akozu Heiwa, Gemstone Gal, Pikawolf11, Masakatskie

Month one Mommy I am only 8 inches long but I have all my organs. I love the sound of your voice. Every time I hear it I wave my arms and legs. The sound of your heart beat is my favorite lullaby.

Month Two Mommy today I learned how to suck my thumb. If you could see me you could definitely tell that I am a baby. I'm not big enough to survive outside my home though. It is so nice and warm in here.

Month Three You know what Mommy I'm a boy! I hope that makes you happy. I always want you to be happy. I don't like it when you cry. You sound so sad. It makes me sad too and I cry with you even though you can't hear me.

Month Four Mommy my hair is starting to grow. It is very short and fine but I will have a lot of it. I spend a lot of my time exercising. I can turn my head and curl my fingers and toes and stretch my arms and legs. I am becoming quite good at it too.

Month Five You went to the doctor today. Mommy, he lied to you. He said that I'm not a baby. I am a baby Mommy, your baby. I think and feel. Mommy, what's abortion?

Month Six I can hear that doctor again. I don't like him. He seems cold and heartless. Something is intruding my home. The doctor called it a needle. Mommy what is it? It burns! Please make him stop! I can't get away from it! Mommy! HELP me!

Month Seven Mommy I am okay. I am in Jesus's arms. He is holding me. He told me about abortion. Why didn't you want me Mommy?

Every Abortion Is Just . . . One more heart that was stopped. Two more eyes that will never see. Two more hands that will never touch. Two more legs that will never run. One more mouth that will never speak.

6 Truths of Life

1. You cannot touch all of your teeth with your tongue

2. All idiots after reading this will try it

3. The first truth is a lie.

4.You are now laughing at your own stupidity

5. You will put this on your profile

6. You still have a stupid smile on your face

Labels that state the Obvious

On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap. (and that would be how?)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down. (Too late! you lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating. (Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body. (But wouldn't that save more time?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery. (We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness. (One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning: keep out of children. (hmm...something must have gotten lost in the translation...)

On a string of Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only. (As opposed to use in outer space.)

On a food processor: Not to be used for the other use. (Now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts. (but no peas?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts. (somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)

On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands. (Raise your hand if you've tried this...)

On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly. (Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)

I DO WHATS RIGHT!

The girl u just called fat? She is over doesing on diet pills.

The girl you just called ugly? She spends hours putting makeup on hoping people will like her.

The boy you just tripped? He is abused enough at home.

See that man with the ugly scars? He fought for his country.

That guy you just made fun of for crying? His mother is dying.

Put this as you're status if you're against bullying. I bet 95% of you wont re-post, but I'm sure the people with a heart and backbone will

If you've been on the computer for hours on end, reading numerous fanfictions, copy this onto your profile, and add your name to this list: danyan, Zutara Lover, Black'n'red'Butterfly, Enrica(real name)(i always change my penname)(tehehehe) PurpleBunniesWillRuleTheWorld, Roxxi-and-Ali, IsabellaMarieSwan123, Paper Hearts and Paper Cuts, mahalo4ursupport, Uchiha-Aki-chou, MaybelleTheRAWRDragon, Chutneyispower (Damn right!), Dark Flame Pheonix (guilty as charged), XxXSand-Jounin-TemariXxX (What better way to spend your day?), Awaii, Luna2986(Done that 5-10 times XD)Kyoko Izumi, Anthurak The Chaos Lord (ALL HAIL FANDOM!), Avatarwolf, Shifter-youkai, Vert9411, pinkcherryblossom225, CherryBlossoms016, Sam-AKA-SakuxSasuLover-, pinkcherryblossoms225, crimsonchidori, SasukeSakuraxXXxItachiSakura, Angry Fox Girl, Setsugekka, AkaneUchiha, Anime-Insanity, Shinigami Princess Yuki Uchiha, MarzSpy, NarKyuRox,sakura300000, Lukashi, Lieniblixx (I Do It All The Time!!!), Geek Sama, Kayjune, eeveeluvr(Why not do it?), Eeveexme (lol), Masakatskie (I lose track of time!)

FRIENDS: Lend you their umbrella BEST FRIENDS: Take yours and say 'RUN BITCH RUN!'

FRIENDS: Never ask for anything to eat or drink. BEST FRIENDS: Helps themselves and are the reason why you have no food.

FRIENDS: Call your parents by Mr. and Mrs. and Grandpa, by Grandpa. BEST FRIENDS: Call your parents DAD and MOM and Grandpa, GRAMPS!

FRIENDS: Would bail you out of jail. BEST FRIENDS: Would be sitting next to you sayin "THAT WAS FRICKING AWSOME"

FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry. BEST FRIENDS: Wont tell everyone else you cried...just laugh about it with you in private when your not down anymore.

FRIENDS: Asks you to write down your number. BEST FRIENDS: Has you on speed dial.

FRIENDS: Borrows your stuff for a few days then gives it back. BEST FRIENDS: Loses your crap and tells you, "My bad...here's a tissue."

FRIENDS: Only know a few things about you. BEST FRIENDS: Could write a very embarrassing biography on your life story...

FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing. BEST FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds butt that left you

FRIENDS: Would knock on your front door. BEST FRIENDS: Walk right in and say "I'M HOME."

FRIENDS: You have to tell them not to tell anyone. BEST FRIENDS: Already know not to tell.

FRIENDS: Are only through high school/college. (aka: drinking buddies) BEST FRIENDS: Are for life.

FRIENDS: Will comfort you when the guy rejects you BEST FRIENDS: Will go up to him and say 'its because your gay isn't it?'

FRIENDS: Would ignore this letter BEST FRIENDS: Will repost this crappp!!

FRIENDS: Will help you when you're lost BEST FRIENDS: Will be giving you bad directions and screwing with your compass

FRIENDS: Will go with you to a concert BEST FRIENDS: Will be helping you kidnap the band

FRIENDS: Will hide you from the cops BEST FRIENDS: Are probably the reason they are after you

FRIENDS: Find your Prince Charming BEST FRIENDS: Find him, kidnap him and then bring him to you

FRIENDS: Will pick you up when you fall down BEST FRIENDS: Will pick you up, then trip you again

FRIENDS: Borrow your stuff for a few days then return it BEST FRIENDS: Have had your stuff for so long they've forgotten it's yours

FRIENDS: Will leave when they feel insulted BEST FRIENDS: Will forgive you even if you don't know what you said wrong

FRIENDS: Will ask you if you're okay when you're crying BEST FRIENDS: Will cry with you and then go beat up the sorry loser who made you cry

FRIENDS: Will offer you a soda BEST FRIENDS: Will dump theirs on you

FRIENDS: Would bail you out of jail BEST FRIENDS: Would be sitting next to you sayin' DAMN we really messed up

FRIENDS: Will be there to take your drink away from you when they think you've had enough BEST FRIENDS: Will look at you stumbling all over the place and say, "Girl, drink the rest of that! You know we don't waste that kind of shit!"

FRIENDS: Will be crying at your funeral BEST FRIENDS: Will be sitting in jail for killing the guy who murdered you

FRIENDS: Will help you move a body BEST FRIENDS: Will say "call me when you need a shovel."

FRIENDS: Try to help you when you get hurt BEST FRIENDS: Sit there laughing their ass off saying, "Dude, you're an idiot!"

FRIENDS: Ask why you're crying BEST FRIENDS: Already have a shovel ready to bury the loser that made you cry

37 Things to do in an Elevator

1. Crack open your briefcase or handbag, peer inside and ask "Got enough air in there?"

2. Stand silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.

3. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you're embarrassed when they open themselves.

4. Greet everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.

5. Meow occasionally.

6. Stare at another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: "You're one of THEM!" - and back away slowly.

7. Say "DING!" at each floor.

8. Say "I wonder what all these do?" and push all the red buttons.

9. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

10. Stare grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: "I have new socks on."

11. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask: "Is that your beeper?"

12. Try to make personal calls on the emergency phone.

13. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: "This is my personal space."

14. When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you.

15. As you are coming to the end of the journey, get emotional and have a group hug. Tell them that you will never forget them.

16. Ask if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.

17. Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say "Hi Greg, How's your day been?"

18. Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: "That's mine!"

19. Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.

20. Pretend you're a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

21. Swat at flies that don't exist.

22. Call out "Group hug!" then enforce it.

23. Make car race noises when someone gets on or off.

24. Congratulate all for being in the same lift with you.

25. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you just shut UP!"

26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.

27. While the doors are opening, hurriedly whisper, "Hide it...quick!" then whistle innocently.

28. Let your cell phone ring - don't answer it.

29. Walk into the lift and say "This reminds me of being buried alive. Ah, those were the days..."

30. Take shoes off before entering. Then look shocked and disgusted when the others don't.

31. Ask people which floor they want, say in 'Who want to be a millionaire' style is that your final answer.

32. Also in your bellboy act, ask what floor they want. Whatever they say, give them a glare and say "you should be ashamed of yourself!", and leave the lift tutting.

33. Ask, "Did you feel that?"

34. Tell people that you can see their aura.

35. When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic, they open up again."

36. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."

37. Dress up in a long, black cloak with a hood, stare and in a deep voice announce "It is time..."

10 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity.

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

3. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

4. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds"

5. Whenever Stating a Fact, Add 'In Accordance With The Prophecy'.

6. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

7. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

8. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.

9. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

10. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity...Copy and Paste this into your profile!!!

This is very cute! And even written by a guy!

You might agree with it, but when it actually happens 99 of girls don't realize it 'til it is too late and that guy who did it is so frustrated that he has moved on to someone who will take notice.

From a guys point of view:

We don't care if you talk to other guys.

We don't care if you're friends with other guys.

But when you're sitting next to us, and some random guy walks into the room and you jump up and tackle him without even introducing us, yeah, it pisses us off.

It doesn't help if you sit there and talk to him for ten minutes without even acknowledging the fact that we're still there.

We don't care if a guy calls you, but at 2 in the morning we do get a little concerned.

Nothing is that important at 2 a.m. that it can't wait till he morning.

Also, when we tell you you're pretty/beautiful/gorgeous/cute/ stunning, we freaking mean it.

Don't tell us we're wrong.We'll stop trying to convince you.

The sexiest thing about a girl is confidence.

Yeah, you can quote me.

Don't be mad when we hold the door open.

Take Advantage of the mood im in.

LET US PAY FOR YOU! DON'T 'FEEL BAD'

We enjoy doing it.

It's expected.

Smile and say 'thank you.'

Kiss us when no one's watching.

If you kiss us when you know somebody's looking, we'll be more impressed.

You don't have to get dressed up for us.

If we're going out with you in the first place, you don't have to feel the need to wear the shortest skirt you have or put on every kind of makeup you own.

We like you for WHO you are and not WHAT you are.

Honestly, I think a girl looks more beautiful when she's just in her pj's or my t-shirt and boxers, not all dolled up.

Don't take everything we say seriously.

Sarcasm is a beautiful thing. See the beauty in it.

Don't get angry easily.

Stop using magazines/media as your bible.

Don't talk about how hott Morris Chesnutt, Brad Pitt, or Jesse McCartney is in front of us. It's boring, and we don't care. You have girlfriends for that.

Whatever happened to the word 'handsome'/'beautiful'.

I'd be utterly stunned by a girl who greeted me with 'Hey handsome!' instead of 'Hey baby/ stud/ cutie/ sexy' or whatever else you can think of.

On the other hand im not sayin i wouldn't like it ether.

Girls: I cannot stress this enough: IF YOU AREN'T BEING TREATED RIGHT BY A GUY, DON'T WAIT FOR HIM TO CHANGE. DITCH HIS SORRY DISGRACE-TO-THE-MALE-POPULATION , AND FIND SOMEONE WHO WILL TREAT YOU WITH UTTER RESPECT

Someone who will honor your morals.

Someone who will make you smile when you're at your lowest.

Someone who will care for you even when you make mistakes.

Someone who will love you, no matter how bad you make them feel.

Someone who will stop what they're doing just to look you in the eyes...and say 'i love you' ...AND ACTUALLY MEAN IT!

Give the nice guys a chance

Holdin Hands:

Girls : If you want to hold his hand, gently bump into it a couple of times. Guys : Grab it if it happens more than once.

Cuddling:

Girls : When you want to cuddle with him, tell him you're cold. Guys : Automatically move closer to her.

Movies:

Girls : During a movie, if he puts his arm around you, tilt your head on his shoulder Guys : Lift her chin up and kiss her.

Loving each other:

Guys : When she tells you she loves you, look deep into her eyes, give her a peck on the lips, and tell her you love her too... and mean it.

Laying below the stars:

Girls : When you're both laying under the stars, put your head on his chest and close your eyes as you listen to his steady heart beat Guys : Whisper in her ear and link your hands with hers. Now make a wish about something you would like to happen Between you and your crush...

Guys: NO grabbing!

Stop!! Stop!!

Stop!! Stop!!

If you havent stoped.

Seriously stop!

Guys repost this if you agree.

Girls repost this if you think it's cute.

Every Guy who isn't a jerk will agree with this, so we hope that all the girls that read this will post this.

Some people say they are big readers. That they're so into books it's not funny. However the only way to tell is if they 1) Suddenly gasp when something exciting happens in the book. 2) Start talking to the book because that's not how they want the book to go. 3) Hurl the book across the room when one of their favourite characters dies. 4) When you find out when the next book is coming out, you pre-order it... Even if the release date is next year. Copy and paste this if you are one of these people

“I have a life, I just choose not to use it.”

“I’m a bomb technitian. If you see me running, try to keep up.”

“Last night I was looking up at the stars wondering… WHERE THE HECK IS MY CEILING?”

“Sanity? Why would I want something as useless as that?"

“Labels are for cans, and in case you haven't noticed, I'm not a can!”

“Education is important, school however, is another matter.”

“Don't hate yourself in the morning--sleep till noon.”

“You laugh now because you're older than me by mere months, but when you're 30 and I'm still 29, who will be laughing then?”

“Aren't the 'good things that come to those who wait' just the leftovers from the people that got there first?”

“We are not retreating… we are advancing in another direction.”

“I’m right ninety-seven percent of the time. Who cares about the other four percent?”

“If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.”

“Of course I'm out of my mind! It's dark and scary in there!”

“If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished.”

“Whoever said nothing is impossible, never tried slamming a revolving door…”

“If at first you don't succeed, blame it on bad parenting.”

“Silence is golden, duct tape is silver.”

“Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us how to walk and talk, then the rest of our lives telling us to sit down and shut up.”

“Always forgive your enemies--Nothing annoys them more.”

“Don’t mess with me; I've got a stick.”

“There are three kinds of people in the world; people who can count; and people who can’t.”

“Evening News is where they begin with "Good Evening" then proceed to tell you why it isn't.”

“I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.”

“I was gifted, but the psychiatrist took away my powers.”

“You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder.”

“Don’t knock on death’s door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that.”

When life throws you lemons, throw a brick back.”

“When someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown about it, but it only takes 2 muscles to extend your arm and punch the crap out of them."

“Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.”

"Never say 'Things couldn't get any worse.' God takes that as a personal challenge."

"The light at the end of the tunnel is the train coming."

"Do not use an axe to kill a fly on your friends' head."

"I ran into my ex the other day, then I put the car in reverse and ran over her again."

“Some people are like Slinkies. They're really good for nothing. But they still really bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs."

"Flying is simple. You just throw yourself at the ground and miss."

“Taste the rainbow--eat CRAYONS!!!"

"The spontaneous rally will begin at 1:45."

"Please Note: CHRISTMAS IS CANCELED. Apparently you told Santa that you’ve been good this year… he died laughing."

"Don't walk in my footsteps. I walk into walls." (this is true for me…)

"If you wish on a falling star it might come true...unless it's a meteor hurdling to earth...then no wishes come true...unless your wish was to be killed a meteor hurdling to earth."

“Me, Myself, and I are fighting. I got mad at Myself, and Me got mad at I so now Me, Myself and I are sitting it opposite of my brain. Please help me.”

“There’s a dark cloud over my head, so I’m praying; ‘Lord, please don’t send lightning.’"

“It’s not dead until you poke it with a stick.”

“There are too many wishes, and not enough stars.”

“Either snow it up for a snow day or don’t snow at all!”

“Facebook is like a refrigerator. You check it when you’re bored but nothing ever changes.”

Gotta go. I’m not really going anywhere, but neither is this conversation.”

“I cry, I feel better. Then I remember why I’m crying and cry harder.”

“I do know, I just don’t feel like telling you!”

“RIP: Spongebob, who died in the oil spill caused by BP.”

“Stop drop and roll doesn’t work in hell.”

“Santa Claus is a creeper. He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake, he knows if you’ve been bad or good, he comes down your chimney in the middle of the night with a giant sack of toys--see what I mean?”

“I have six locks on my door. Whenever I go out I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they’re always locking three.”

“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”

“It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.”

“He's turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable. Now he's miserable and depressed.”

“When somebody tells you nothing is impossible, ask him to dribble a football.”

“A great name for a new country song: If I'd Shot You Sooner, I'd Be Out of Jail by Now.”

“Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.”

“I learned law so well. The day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.”

“Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.”

“Who says nothing is impossible. I've been doing nothing for years.”

“If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?”

“It takes a couple seconds to say ‘Hello’, but forever to say ‘Goodbye’.”

“If you're going through hell, keep going.”

“I wanna be just like Barbie; that bitch has everything!”

“You can’t spell slaughter without laughter.”

“To the world, you are one person. But to one person, you are the world.”

“Would you like a side of epic with that fail?”

“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.”

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.”

“Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn’t find anyone to copy it from.”

“When I was kidnapped my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.”

“There are worse things than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?”

“What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case I definitely overpaid for my carpet

“There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.”

“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them, and you have their shoes.”

“The human brain starts working the moment you are born and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.”

“Knowing is half the battle. The other half is punching someone in the face.”

“I think crime pays. The hours are good, you travel a lot.”

“I hope life isn’t a joke, because I don’t get it.”

“Most people are only alive because it’s illegal to shoot them.”

“Some say the glass is half empty; some say the glass is half full. I say, “are you gonna drink that?”

“All people have the right to stupidity. Some abuse the privilege.”

“Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?”

“They say no one is perfect. Well, I’m no one.”

“Never argue with an idiot. They’ll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.”

“Alright everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.”

“Always end the name of your child with a vowel, that way, when you yell, the name will carry.”

“Between two evils, I always pick the one I haven’t tried before.”

“Cross country skiing is great if you have a small counrty.”

“Never forget Mother’s Day, or as they call it in beverly Hills, Dad’s Third Wife Day.”

“Get your facts straight, then distort them as you please.”

“Housework can’t kill you, but why take the chance?”

“I knew I was an unwanted baby when my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”

“I wear a necklace ‘cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.”

“I’m not a real movie star. I’ve still got the same wife I started with twenty-eight years ago.”

"By the power vested in me, I now pronouce you deleted and blocked! You may now kiss my ass!"

"If you don’t want a sarcastic answer, then don’t ask a stupid question."

"You think I’m screwed up? You should meet the rest of my family!"

"The shit you heard about me might be real… Then again it might be as fake as the bitch who told you."

"Money can’t buy you happiness, but somehow crying in a Porche is a lot more comforting than crying on a bicycle."

"Forgive your enemy, but remember the fucker’s name."

"Help a man when he is in trouble, and he will remember you next time he is in trouble."

“Alchohol doesn’t solve any problems, but neither does milk."

"Three out of two people have trouble with fractions."

"We’re the kind of people who laugh at a joke three times. The first time, when it’s told. The second, when someone explains it. The third, five minutes later when we actually get it."

"Pain doesn’t hurt when it’s all you’ve ever felt."

"We’re not sarcastic - We’re hilarious. We’re not annoying - We’re just cooler than you. We’re not mean - We just don’t like you. And we’re not obsessed - We’re just best friends."

"We live in an age where pizza gets to your home before the police."

"The world is going to hell, and I am driving the bus."

"Three a.m. phone call. 'Hey are you sleeping…?' '“No. I’m skydiving.' "

"I didn’t fall. The floor just needed a hug."

"If you can’t convince them, confuse them."

"If Google didn’t exsist, we’d all be screwed."

"I survived Y2K, Bird Flu, Mad Cow Disease, 9/11, and Swine Flu. 2012, bring it on!"

"They keep saying the right person will come along… I think a truck hit mine!"

"We’ll be friends until we’re old and senile. Then we’ll be NEW friends!"

"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns left."

"Having children is hereditary. If your parents never had children, odds are you won’t either."

"A classic is a book that is much praised, but rarely read."

"My mom never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."

"We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public."

"The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."

"If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments."

"How is it one careless match to start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?"

"I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I going to blame you."

"The main reason Santa’s so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live."

"It’s not the fall that kills you; it’s the sudden stop at the end."

"My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too."

"I don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die."

"After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF!"

"Haikus are easy. But sometimes they don’t make sense. Refrigerator."

"There are three kinds of people: The ones who learn by reading. The ones who learn by observation. And then there's the ones who have to touch fire to learn that it’s hot."

"Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?"

"What is the most important thing to learn in chemistry? Never lick the spoon."

"How do you get a sweet, little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet, little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!"

"Don’t piss me off! I’m running out of places to hide the bodies!"

"I tried to hang myself with a bungee chord. I kept almost dying."

"Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture."

"One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor."