"It's a beautiful day, now watch some idiot screw it up."

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep - not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

Parent's spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and then the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.

"I don't suffer from insanity... I enjoy every minute of it."

You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff ... I laugh even harder.

"I didn't loose my mind, I sold it on eBay."

Dear math I don't want to solve your problems I have my own to solve."

"Algebra I'm not going to find your X she's not coming back!"

Life isn't passing me by, it's trying to run me over

Some say the glass is half full, others the glass is half empty, all I want to know is who's drinking my water!

Being weird is like being normal, only better.

When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.

I'm the type of guy that manages to plan total world domination in one History class.