![]() Life Lessons 1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning." 2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet." 3 . My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!" 4. My mother taught me LOGIC. "Because I said so, that's why." 5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me." 6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident." 7. My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about." 8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper." 9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!" 10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone." 11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it." 12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!" 13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out." 14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father!" 15. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do." 16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION . "Just wait until we get home." 17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home!" 18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way." 19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?" 20. My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me." 21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up." 22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father." 23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?" 24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand." 25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!" FUN THINGS TO DO IN THE ELEVATOR 1.When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you. 2.Say "Ding" on every floor. 3.Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more. 4.Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones. 5.Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor your on. 6.Hold the doors open and say your waiting for a friend. After a while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?" 7.Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!" 8.Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator. 9.Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they have an apointment. 10.Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play. 11.Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking. 12.Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers. 13.Ask, "Did you feel that?" 14.Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally. 15.When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay, don't panic, they open again!" 16.Swat at flies that don't exist. 17.Tell people that you can see their aura. 18.Call out, "Group Hug!"and then enforce it. 19.Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!" 20.Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?" 21.Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off. 22.Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "Your one of THEM!" and back away slowly. 23.Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers. 24.Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope. 25.Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button. 26.Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce, "I have new socks on". 27.Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passnegers, "This is MY personal space!" I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid. Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt! tahts so cool! If you could read that put it in your profile FRIENDS:Call your parents by Mr. and Mrs. and Grandpa, by Grandpa. BEST FRIENDS: Call your parents DAD and MOM and Grandpa, GRAMPS! FRIENDS: Would bail you out of jail. BEST FRIENDS: Would be sitting next to you sayin "THAT WAS FRICKING AWSOME" FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry. BEST FRIENDS: Wont tell everyone else you cried...just laugh about it with you in private when your not down anymore. FRIENDS: Asks you to write down your number. BEST FRIENDS: Has you on speed dial. FRIENDS: Borrows your stuff for a few days then gives it back. BEST FRIENDS: Loses your stuff and tells you, "My bad...here's a tissue." FRIENDS: Only know a few things about you. BEST FRIENDS: Could write a very embarrassing biography on your life story... FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing. BEST FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds butt that left you. FRIENDS: Would knock on your front door. BEST FRIENDS: Walk right in and say "I'M HOME!" FRIENDS: You have to tell them not to tell anyone. BEST FRIENDS: Already know not to tell. FRIENDS: Are only through high school/college. (aka: lunch buddies) BEST FRIENDS: Are for life. FRIENDS: Will confort you when the guy rejects you. BEST FRIENDS: Will go up to him and say 'its becuase your gay isn't it?'/ 'Seven days' FRIENDS: Would ignore this letter. BEST FRIENDS: Will repost this!! When life gives you lemons, make grape juice, then watch the world wonder how you did it. When life gives you lemons, throw them back at life and demand coke! When life gives you lemons, squirt them in people's eyes and run like hell. WARNING: Do NOT walk in my footsteps... I tend to walk into walls, and off the occasional cliff 101 Ways To Annoy People (gotten from the profile of Seraph Darkfire ) 1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly. 2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage." 3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go." 4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..." 5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others. 6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. 7. Speak only in a "robot" voice. 8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly. 9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub". 10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies. 11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets. 12. Sniffle incessantly. 13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles. 14. Name your dog "Dog." 15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up." 16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think." 17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training." 18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace". 19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot." 20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol. 21. Practice making fax and modem noises. 22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss. 23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up. 24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance. 25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person." 26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy." 27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control. 28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment. 29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears. 30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room. 31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice. 32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting. 33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way." 34. Drum on every available surface. 35. Staple papers in the middle of the page. 36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates. 37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings. 38. Sew anti-theft detector strips into peoples backpacks. 39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places. 40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page. 41. Set alarms for random times. 42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon. 43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving. 44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise. 45. Honk and wave to strangers. 46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange. 47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show. 48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies. 49. Wear your pants backwards. 50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register. 51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!" 52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE. 53. only type in lowercase. 54. dont use any punctuation either 55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets. 56. Pay for your dinner with pennies. 57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes. 58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question. 59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps. 60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories. 61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now." 62. Light road flares on a birthday cake. 63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley. 64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency. 65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador." 66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks. 67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained. 68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One." 69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk. 70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read. 71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it. 72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat. 73. Drive half a block. 74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination. 75. Ask people what gender they are. 76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back. 77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl. 78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes". 79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song. 80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet. 81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day. 82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September. 83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a." 84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. 85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed. 86. Wear a LOT of cologne. 87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing." 88. Sing along at the opera. 89. Mow your lawn with scissors. 90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!" 91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend." 92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme. 93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles." 94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture." 95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times. 96. Never make eye contact. 97. Never break eye contact. 98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn. 99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results. 100. Make appointments for the 31st of September. 101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties. 30 Ways To Annoy Your Teacher 1. during health class ask them if its natural to have pimples on your butt (O_O) 2. during phys. ed. when the teacher says any more questions say " why does my dogs breath smell like dog food" 3. slip a dollar on your test and write thanks for the A love (your name) 4. use your cell phone during class and when the teacher tells you to bring it there say wait wait i really need to take this call and when they try to talk again say shhh shhh 5. put posters in the drug ed. room that says lets get drunk... if you dont have a drug ed room they can go around the school too. 6. start eating pop tarts in class and when the teacher tells you to stop say i skipped breakfast to do my homework 7. ask your physics teacher why E=MC2 and when they cant answer it say i wish i had a nicer teacher. then say why are you always so negative. 8. stand up in the middle of class and yell "lies lies! STOP THE LIES!" 9. write a note on the bottom of your homework that says if i dont get this correct it was (the smart kids name here) 10. keep droping your pencil and before you pick that up stand and say in a loud voice "will anyone get that for me" make sure its right at your feet. 11. start playing an unwanted system like gameboy advanced during class with the volume up high and make alll these shooting sounds like pew pew and car sounds like vroom vroom 12. what ever answer your asked say i dont know or how am i soposed to know that or you never taught me that and if they say i did yesterday say oh your voice put me to sleep. 13. Bring candles and incense to class. Before handing in the paper, perform an elaborate ceremony, entreating the gods to bless the paper and correct all your typos. 14. Perfume the paper with catnip. Explain that it was to keep your dog from eating it. 15. Type gibberish. When you hand it in, claim that your computer crashed while you were printing it, and you couldn't retrieve the original. 16. on the friday before the super bowl stand up and yell 'GO NICKS WIN THE SUPER BOWL!' 17. stab holes in your paper in those holes put whip cream and say your paper was attacked by a porky pine 18. Pretend to cough every time your teacher says the word "learn". 19. get up durring class and say why isnt this fun? and teh teacher will say something and tehn say ok well ill make it fun then go around the class saying duck duck duck duck duck duck GOOOOOOSE! 20. come in to class late with a folder that has a stack of papers really thick then say ohh the princapal told me to give you my file 21. in gym start tripping and say ahhhhh! my legs my legs then the gym teacher come over and you say look what you made me do i was looking at your ugly face and you made me trip! 22. Ask the teacher how old are they if they respond none of your buisness respond thats because you were born before they invented numbers! 23. During english use bad gramer and say things like "we dont need no education" and used made up contractions and made up words 24. start hitting your self during class and say the spirits arggg there fighting me 25. when writing a report make it all different sizes and colors 26. ask to go to the bathroom every five minutes after awhile announce you have a bladder infection 27. run into the principals office and yell reerag and make all these sick sounds and yell i forgot my pills 28. Run in the hall way when cought and told no, go on talking about how running is a much better exersise than rope climbing, and how a praticular rule is going to cause the end of the world. (Bonus if you can involve puppies, cake, or rassberry jam in the connection) 29. Get up in the middle of music and yell i love varish macarphdrop 30 in health ask whats that every thing theh teacher says |
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