![]() The 27 Commandments of Fanfiction 1. Thou shalt not post a fic until it has been checked for grammar and spelling errors. The fanfiction gods hath given you a spellchecker on the computer for good reason. Use it. 2. Thou shalt not post a chapter of less than 100 words, unless it is a drabble. This displeases the masses. 3. Thou shalt not put author's notes in the middle of the story. 4. Thou shalt NEVER use text-speak in a fic, unless the characters are actually texting. 5. Thou shalt keep to one tense, and only one, throughout the story. Do not switch randomly. 6. Apply the above number 5 to POVs as well. 7. Thou shalt not get offended when someone makes fun of the crack pairing featured in your fanfiction. It probably is rather hilarious. 8. Thou shalt not use :) , ;D , or :( in a fanfiction to show the emotion exhibited by a character. 9. Thou shalt try-eth to keep characters in character! 10. Thou shalt not treat every criticism as a flame. 11. The author's note is not a spot for your personal drama, and thou shalt not make it so. 12. Thou shalt not put any form of the phrase "first fic" in thy summary. 13. Thy created characters must not have names that exceed five syllables in length. Nor shall thy name have more than five words in length. 14. Thou shalt not insert thyself into the story line as thyself or as a character- yes we know that you are in love with yourself and are very narcissistic, we just don’t want to read about how you end up with the main character. 15. If thou art writing a story that does not follow the original story line, point it out in the beginning. 16. Thou shall not make a person randomly smart or powerful unless stating a reason for the change (a good reason). 17. Thou shalt show and not tell. 18. Thou shalt not EVER use the phrase "I suck at summaries" in-est thine summary. This annoys thine readers. 19. Thou shalt not write the same way thou speak-est - writing is an art. 20. Thou shalt ALWAYS spell the word "okay" correctly. Using the letter "K" is an unacceptable compromise. 21. Thou shalt only use clichés when thou a) art writing a parody or b) find a new and interesting twist to make such clichés bearable to thine reader. 22. Thou shalt always separate dialogue from two separate speakers in two separate paragraphs. Otherwise thine readers shalt be confuse-ed. 23. Thou shalt not EVER make a chapter all one paragraph. THIS INFURIATES BOTH THINE READER AND THE FANFICTION GODS. They have given thee an ENTER key with good reason. 24. Thou shalt not write with thy caps lock on, it displeases the masses and causes thy readers to lose their vision and make angels weep. 25. Thou shalt know how to spell the character's names correctly before you writeth the fic. Misspelling the name of the main characters makes readers angry and distracts from the story. 26. Thou shalt not say in thine summary "summary inside". This shows lack of creativeness and infuriates the masses. The only exception is when a summary is cut short and a continuation of it lies inside. 27. Thou shall use paragraphs and space the story so it is not terrifyingly daunting to thine readers. I don't care if you're black, white, straight, bisexual, gay, lesbian, short, tall, fat, skinny, rich or poor. If you're nice to me, I'll be nice to you. Simple as that. - Eminem. If you agree copy and paste on your profile OBITUARY FOR THE LATE MR. COMMON SENSE Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and Maybe it was my fault. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6 year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition. Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get Parental consent to administer Calpol, sun lotion or a band-aid to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion. Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault. Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by his 3 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing. .••) .•) .•.•) .•) Don't steal. The government hates competition. When life gives you lemons... If at first you don't succeed, change the rules. Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning 'many' in Latin, and 'tics' as in bloodsucking creatures? 7 reasons not to mess with kids Reason 1 A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah.” The teacher asked, ” What if Jonah went to hell?” The little girl replied, “Then you ask him”. Reason 2 A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.” The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.” Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, “They will in a minute.” Reason 3 A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year old After explaining the commandment to “honor” thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?” Without missing a beat one little boy answered, “Thou shall not kill.” Reason 4 One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?” Her mother replied, “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.” The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, “Momma, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?” Reason 5 The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. “Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, he’s a doctor.’ A small voice at the back of the room rang out,”And there’s the teacher, she’s dead. ” Reason 6 A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, “Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face..” “Yes,” the class said. “Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?” A little fellow shouted, “Cause your feet ain’t empty.” Reason 7 The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: “Take only ONE. God is watching.” Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, “Take all you want - God is watching the apples. Just say no to drugs. Because if your drugs are talking to you, you've probably had too many. Hate is just a special kind of love we give to people who suck. They say love hides behind every corner. I must be walking in circles. I've always wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my enemy to go swimming. I've never seen anyone so prone to life-threatening IDIOCY. I'm not lost, I'm exploring. Hi, my job is to annoy you. They laugh because we're losers. We laugh because they just figured it out. We must never, ever be mean to stupid people. If we are, they might go away. Then who would we laugh at? Silence is golden, but duct tape is silver. I did what they said and chose the road less traveled . . . now where the hell am I? I dream of a better tomorrow- where chickens can cross roads and not have their motives questioned. "Everything here is edible. I'm edible, but that, my children, is called cannibalism and is frowned upon in most societies." Make a man a fire and you can keep him warm for a day, but set a man on fire and you can keep him warm for life. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was going to blame you. There's no place like home . . . but Wal-mart's close. Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy, but socially dead. Do not use a hatchet to remove a fly from your Friend's forehead. "Cute as a button." Since when are buttons cute? Why do psychics have to ask for your name? For every winner, there are dozens of losers. Odds are, you're one of them. You're not yourself today. I noticed the improvement immediately. What's this thing you call "Normal"? You can't argue with all the fools in the world. It's easier to let them have their own way, then trick them when they aren't paying attention. The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your actions. What girls don't seem to know: when a guy acts like he hates you, chances are, he likes you. Friends are like potatoes. If you eat them, they die. Who is this "life" person and where does he get all these lemons? When you wish upon a falling star, your dreams can come true. Unless it's actually a meteor hurtling toward Earth which will destroy all life. Then you're pretty much hosed no matter what you wish for. Unless it's death by meteor. So many stupid people, so little duct tape. "Let's eat Grandma!" or "Let's eat, Grandma!" Punctuation saves lives. One day, we will look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject. If you don't know why people can't get it through their heads that members of the opposite sex can just be friends, copy and paste this into your profile "A positive attitude might not solve your problems, but it'll annoy people so much, it kinda makes it worth it. . ." Accept that some days you're the pigeon and some days you're the statue. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again. I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer. Pluto 1930-2007 R.I.P. Revolve In Peace The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do. Why is Charlie short for Charles if they are the same number of letters? Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might actually clean them? Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. I get plenty of exercise; jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines. Of course I'm talking to myself, who else can I trust? People who say it can't be done should not interrupt those of us who are doing it. Being mature is overrated. Don't follow in my footsteps; I tend to walk into walls. 364 days of the year, parents tell their kids not to take candy from strangers, yet on Halloween, its encouraged! Why is that? It's always darkest before dawn...so if you're gonna steal the neighbors newspaper, that's the time to do it. Truth is stranger than fiction, because fiction has to make sense. Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make ye mad. If we knew what we were doing, it wouldn't be research. The Truth is out there. So what are you doing here? Whatever you are, be a good one. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will eventually kill me. Freedom is the right to be wrong, not the right to do wrong. The difficulty is not so great as to die for a friend, as to find a friend worth dying for. Have the courage to live. Anyone can die. I did not hit you, I simply high-fived your face. Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat. I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? You can't buy happiness, but you can buy ice-cream; which is kinda the same thing. The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with. Why is it called 'after dark' when it's really 'after light? A Good Friend or a Best Friend! A good friend will comfort you when he rejects you. A good friend will be there for you when he breaks up with you. A good friend helps you up when you fall. A good friend helps you find your prince. A good friend will ask you if you're okay when you're crying. A good friend will offer you a soda. A good friend will sit at the side of the pool with you at that time of the month. A good friend gives you their umbrella in the rain. A good friend will help you move. A good friend will bail you out of jail. A good friend has never seen you cry. A good friend asks you to write down your number. A good friend will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing. A good friend knows a few things about you. A good friend tells you she knows how you feel. A good friend will ask you why you are crying. A good friend will help you learn to drive. A good friend will watch your pets when you go away. A good friend will go to a concert with you. A good friend will hide you from the cops. I'm not insensitive. I just don't care. I know it sounds like I'm in denial. But I'm not. As I said before, I never repeat myself. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else. Damn it!! Shut up and tell me already!!!! Anything thrown hard enough should hurt. Dear Twilight, Give us back our fucking apple. Sincerely, Death Note Do not disturb, I'm disturbed already. The trouble with life, is there's no background music. A coward is a hero with a wife, kids and a mortgage. Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at. Conscience: What hurts when everything else feels so good. Help stamp out, eliminate and abolish redundancy! You're schizophrenic? Gee, that makes four of us. Why is the word 'Abbreviation' so long? Skydiving - Good to the last drop. A penny saved is a congressional oversight. Error. Keyboard not found. Press any key to continue... A day without sunshine is like ... night. If you wish that you could fly so much it hurts, copy and paste this into your profile. If you have ever fallen up the stairs copy this into your profile I Don't Suffer From Insanity, I Enjoy Every Minute Of It. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried Do you want to know why I'm still on earth? Heaven kicked me out and hell is afraid I'll take over... Forecast for tonight: darkness If you try to fail and succeed, which one did you do? If everything seems to be going well, you obviously overlooked something. We're not retreating! We're advancing in a different direction! The below statement is true. The above statement is false. PMS: Every woman's legal right to be a bitch. Always forgive your enemies, nothing annoys them as much. I'm mature and you're not. Nah nah nah nah nah! Eat healthy. Work right. Die anyway. Everyone is beautiful on the inside. If you think bones and guts are beautiful. My imaginary friend thinks you have serious problems. I called your boyfriend gay and he hit me with his purse. Looking for a perfect girl? Go buy yourself a barbie doll. Quick, whats the number for 9-1-1? I like cheese. I have seen purple cows. If two gooses are geese, then why aren't two moose meese, or when two foots are feet, why aren't two footballs feetball? Milk tastes good. People call me crazy, which I am, but I'm also random! If you're random and proud of it, copy and paste this in your profile! If never is a contraction for not ever, and blush a contraction for blood rush, then studying is a contraction for student dying! Percy Jackson Oath of Remembrance: PJO FANS: MUST have this on their profile! NORMAL PEOPLE: Rely on their local weatherman for the weather forecast NORMAL PEOPLE: Say OMG! NORMAL PEOPLE: Go to a psychiatrist to tell their feelings NORMAL PEOPLE: Say shut up or I'll tell on you! NORMAL PEOPLE: Think that PJO fans are stupid NORMAL PEOPLE: When being chased yell HELP ME SOMEBODY! NORMAL PEOPLE: Get nervous/scared during thunderstorms NORMAL PEOPLE: Would choose somewhere sunny to go for vacation NORMAL PEOPLE: Don't have this on their profile PJO FANS: Would have this on their profile already In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual labels on consumer goods: On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how?...) On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion). On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)! On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought?...) On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.) On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and.. .I'm taking this because?...) On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?) On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.) On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash) On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.) On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands." (...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?) On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning: keep out of children. (hmm...something must have gotten lost in the translation...) On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts. (somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...) On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!) |
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