I'm Ches

This is the other stuff. I'd recommend skipping to avoid intermittent laughing, crying, and boredom.

If ya can't beat 'em, join 'em.
If ya can't join 'em, persuade 'em.
If ya can't persuade 'em, bribe 'em.
If ya can't bribe 'em, blackmail 'em.
If ya can't blackmail 'em, kill 'em.
If ya can't kill 'em, you're screwed.

There are no stupid questions, only stupid people asking questions. - Scott Adams
Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably the reason so few engage in it -Henry Ford
When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear. - Mark Twain
A man who doesn't read has no advantage over a man who can't read -Mark Twain
if a book is well written, I always find it too short -Jane Austen
To succeed in life, you need three things: A wishbone, a backbone, and a funny bone- Reba McEntire
Silence is golden, but duck tape is silver- Against All Authority (music group)
To write is to think, and to write well is to think well. - David McCullough
I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day. - E.B. White
The best way to be missed when you're gone is to stand for something while you're here. - Seth Godin
People who count their chickens before they are hatched act very wisely because chickens run about so absurdly that it is impossible to count them accurately. - Oscar Wilde

1. Do not introduce self as a roleplaying character in public.

2. Do not talk to fictional characters in public.

3. Do not answer fictional characters in public.

4. Do not talk to inanimate objects in public

5. Do not go out in public.

6. Disregard above note.

7. Perform numbers 1 to 4. Note expressions.

8. Don't die alone. Take many people with you.

9. The floor is slippery when wet.

10. Lake is slippery when dry.

11. Only talk to strangers you know.

12. Strangers you don't know are spies... Kill them all.

13. For legal purposes be sure to delete above note.

14. Tell people about the spies that are trying to kill you.

15. Kill them for security purposes.

16. Crying does not solve anything. Try violent mood swings.

17. Make a scene whenever humanly possible.

18. The men in white coats are not your friends.

19. Ask them for a room with lots of sharp, pointy objects.

20. When that doesn't work, ask for a designer jacket.

21. Chicken soup, although good for colds, is not the best cure for drowning.

22. Flammable and inflammable mean the same thing.

23. Unlike fine wine, milk does not get better with age.

24. Always remember, um... um... Damn.

25. Train army of flying monkeys.

26. Goldfish don't like milk.

27. Do not maim people. If you already have, kill them to avoid lawsuits.

28. Find out who invented the word "pianist".

29. People are staring at you.

30. So act insane.

31. People are weird, but not as weird as me.

32. Do not taunt animals at the zoo. They have feelings... And teeth.

33. Little people are aggressive. Stay away from little people.

34. Going through other people's stuff is a bonding experience. Do this as much as possible.

35. You'll sometimes notice shadows late at night. Don't worry. It's only me... Bonding.

36. Never pet a wild dog.

37. Never make eye contact with a naked man. Especially if you are wearing a parka.

38. Naked men dig parkas.

39. Beware the naked man who offers you his parka.

40. You know what would look good on you?

41. Immolated cockroaches.

42. Don't worry. It's only a harmless pimento bug.

43. The size of Danny DeVito.

44. Making an amusing facial expression. Like this. O.O

45. Numbers are evil. Count in clovers.

46. Stalking is fun. Do it more.

47. Make a large sign saying, "Look at me, I'm a gumnut tree!"

48. No matter what anyone says, there is a way to get to your fantasy world.

49. That way is rum.

50. Constipated people don't give a shit.

52. You cannot kill the snow.

53. The snow can kill you.

54. Grass can also kill you.

55. The leprechaun on the cereal box said I can't get his lucky charms...

56. Catch and castrate leprechaun.

57. HE is real... No matter what the men in white coats say.

58. Staple paper in the middle of the page.

59. In case of blank looks, laugh maniacally.

60. You are not haxxor l337 or an uberhacker or anything like that.

61. Pretend to be so around the n00bs.

62. Do not go out with voice #7. He is a sadistic, soul-sucking demon.

63. Disregard last note. Go out with the demon. Who needs a soul anyway?

64. Ask Senior Diablo for a bigger pitchfork.

65. Remember to kill HIM...

66. Tell the small children in Toys 'R' Us that the dolls have an insatiable thirst for blood.

67. Note reactions. Avoid parents.

68. The blood of infants gives unholy superpowers according to Jhonen C. Vasquez. Test theory.

69. Scream, the doctors don't like it, they'll give you a shot of something nice.

70. Hide the bodies, otherwise people ask embarrassing questions.

71. Eat the evidence.

72. But not if it's broken glass.

73. When in the presence of someone much wiser than you, point in a random direction and yell, "Look, a distraction!" Then run.

74. Do not tell children that Santa is fat because he eats kids.

75. Disregard last note.

76. Note reactions.

77. On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year.

78. Stock up on ballpoint pens.

79. Learn to fly. Tell no one.

80. The secret to flying is throwing yourself at the ground and missing.

81. Do not stick fingers into blender.

82. Blender... Bad... Ouch.

83. Blood loss is bad.

84. Find way to re-attach fingers.

85. Scream as much as humanly possible at 2AM.

86. Answer every question with a question.

87. Ask people what gender they are.

88. Note reactions.

89. Refer to people as "mortal".

90. The Seagull From Hell is out to get me.

91. Kill all enemies in most disturbing way possible.

92. Start by drowning them in fire ants.

93. Find the creators of pop-up messages.

94. Kill them.

95. Brutally.

96. Teachers don't like finding notes on world domination.

97. Dunk head in boiling water.

98. Disregard last note. Was written by Voice #7.

99. Gullible IS written on the ceiling!

100. Investigate this whole "critical mass" thing when the klaxon dies down...

Neither guns, nor knives, nor axes kill people. The people living just next door or sitting next to you at work are the ones that kill people.

Roses are red, violets are blue, St. Valentine was beheaded, and you should be too.

Roses are flowers, violets are too, violets are fucking purple not blue!