Hey guys! If you are reading the following, then thank for checking out my bio...even though I don't write fanfics at all. My passion lies with reading fanfics and with 10 years of thousands of fanfics spanning many fandoms, I like to think of myself as quite accomplished in this field (LOL).

I'll say this upfront: I'm not the best writer (or anything close to it really); I have plenty of ideas in my head all the time for fanfictions, but I don't necessarily have the skills to write it out into a story.

However...I's like to think that I make up for it by reading so damn much (No, like seriously...I read to much...)

Funny quotes (DISCLAIMER!! I don't -in any way, shape, or form- own these quotes! They could be from Facebook, Insta, a random profile, a tv show, etc.)

Since there is only one of me, does that make me limited edition?

Laziness is the mother of all bad habits...but ultimately she is a mother and we ought to respect that

Did you know that if you rearrange the letters in ‘mother in law’, they come out as 'Woman Hitler’?

I followed a diet but it didn't follow me back, so I unfollowed it

Raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip cookies are the main reason I have trust issues...

I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot, sleep for a while, and then wake up beautiful

On the 12th Day of Christmas My Facebook Gave To Me: 12 Dudes I'm Blocking, 11 Friends Just Watching, 10 Corny Topics, 9 Busted Barbies, 8 Friends Complaining, 7 Stalkers Stalking, 6 Party Invites, Fiiiiiiiiiive Drama Queeeensssss, 4 GameRequests, 3 Photo Tags, 2 Friends-A-Pokin' & a CREEP Who Won't Stop Inboxing Meeeeee...

I'm not lazy, I'm on power saving mode

You never appreciate your parents until it's too late...
...And by that I mean after they left your condo and you realize you could've asked them to do your laundry while they were there

Meeting the wrong friend makes you suffer for ten years and meeting the wrong woman makes you suffer for life

Some people aren't just missing a screw, the whole toolbox is gone

If you don't believe you're awesome, no one else will...

I'm actually not funny, I'm just really mean and people think I'm joking.

Remember to always be yourself, unless you suck. Then pretend to be someone else.

Don't confuse not knowing with not caring

I went for a run but came back after two minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I'm out of shape and can't run more than two minutes.

Experience with girls has taught me that the kind of places that a boy can't go are also coincidentally the kind of places boys don't want to go, especially if they're in the company of their girlfriends, and even more so if they were the ones who were going to be picking up the bill.

We're not friends unless I automatically connect to your wifi

I told myself to stop cussing and I did pretty well until I stubbed my toe...its all a blur from there

Never look down on someone unless you're helping them up

When the bill arrives Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out comes the pocket calculators.

The awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and walks straight past you

A wise man always remembers a woman's birthday, but never remembers her age.

F.E.A.R. stands for "Fuck Everything And Run"

Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate that much interest.

Last night, I lay and bed looking up at the stars and thought, where the heck is my roof?

Everyone is entitled to their own opinions. I just think that yours are stupid.

Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss

The road to success is always under construction.

My doctor said I should watch what I eat. I still eat whatever I want, but now I stare at my food before I eat it

Two stations A and B are 100 km apart on a straight line. One train starts from A at 7 a.m. and travels towards B at 20 km/hr speed. Another train starts from B at 8 a.m...and...and... I think I'm just gonna go ahead and book a flight instead

100 calorie snacks aren't effective for me. Because I eat 6 at a time

When people don't laugh at my jokes I just assume that they're not up to my level of comedy

That dirty look you give the sidewalk when you turn around after you trip over it

A Fact of Life: After Monday and Tuesday even the calendar says W T F ...

My thoughts are like STDs. I don't mean to get them, they just come to me.

Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a whore house for a hug

“a man that makes a woman cry is terrible. But a man who insults a crying woman is the worst” -quote from Itachi in Fancy Footwork by silver-footsteps

Sometimes I wonder, "Why is the Frisbee getting bigger?" Then it hits me

Life is a bitch because if it were a slut it would be easy

For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember that's where the knives are kept

You can't blame me when safe and lazy reach the same conclusion

It's nice that Voldemort always waits until the end of the school year to try and kill Harry. Despite his flaws, Voldemort really cares about Harry's education.

I think I may be a talented photographer. I took just one photo with my camera phone and it asked me if I wanted to open a gallery.

"I appear to be perfect...," I recited, "But deep down inside, I really am"

Your 90% of the reason I get up in the morning the other 10% is I need to pee

Apparently 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family so it must be one of them. Either it's my mom or my dad. Or my older brother Collin. Or my other brother Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it's Collin.

That awkward moment when you speak to someone for 5 seconds and they find you on facebook the next day...like I didn't give you my name how the fuck did you find me dude!!

Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.

Music is like candy, you have to throw out all the wrappers.

It's funny until somebody gets hurt, then it's hilarious

Yes, I hit like a girl. You could too if you hit a bit harder.

"I wasn't that drunk..."
"Dude, you picked up a little Mexican girl and screamed, "DORA! I NEED YOUR MAP TO GET HOME"

Remember: Some people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them

I'm not so good at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?

Kids in back seats cause accidents. Accidents in back seats cause kids.

Voldemort is like a teenage girl. He has a diary, a tiara, a special cup, a pet he adores, and an obsession with a famous teenage boy

They say true love hides behind every corner: I must be walking in circles!

People like you are the reason we have middle fingers

When life gives you lemons throw them at the mean people and hope it gets them in the eyes

Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them as much

"Ughh. Great. What's the point in setting the alarm if I'm going to wake up before it goes off? What a total waste. Now I've gotta shut it off but I don't feel like moving. But if I don't shut it off it will just keep ringing and ringing. Sigh. It makes me tired just thinking about the whole thing. Some mornings are such a drag..." -This is a perfect lazy quote directly taken from Nara Shikamaru from the series: Naruto.

I couldn't repair your brakes so I made your horn louder

I may be drunk madam, but in the morning I will be sober, and you will still be ugly

I wonder why it is called a piggy-back. Are they insinuating that I am fat? Bastards.

Whoever said nothing's impossible, obviously never tried slamming a revolving door!

Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?

I just stepped on a cornflake. Now, I am officially a cereal killer

If an atheist has to go to court, do they make him swear on the Bible?

STRESS: A condition brought on by over-riding the bodies natural desire to choke the living daylights out of some jerk who desperately deserves it.

I got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

Funny pick up line: "I'm Gay, think you can convert me?"

Growing old is mandatory, growing up however...

I'm not clumsy, the floor just hates me!

I don't suffer from insanity, I am enjoying every minute of it.

I believe that you should live every day as if it’s your last, which is why my room is such a mess. I mean come on who wants to clean their room on their last day?!

If you don't like the way I drive then stay off the sidewalks.

Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young

I used to be normal, then I met the freaks I call friends

Sometimes I lie awake at night asking myself what I've done wrong, then the voice in my head says, " This is going to take more then one night..."

The dinosaurs extinction wasn't an accident. Barney came along and they all committed suicide.

Doctors say I have multiple personality disorder. We disagree.

I didn't say it was your fault...just that I was going to blame you

The person who smiles when things go wrong has found someone to blame it on.

Better to stay silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt.

Never argue with an idiot. They'll just drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

A wise man once said, "Ask a girl."

You wanna know why God created man before woman? Every masterpiece needs a rough draft!

There are three kinds of people. Those who learn by reading, a few who learn by observation, and the rest who have to test the electric fence for themselves.

Guns don’t kill people. I mean, if you just stood there and yelled 'BANG!' with a gun in hand I don't think you'd kill many people...

Just when I think you've said the stupidest thing ever you just keep on talking

“Everyone knows Barney was the king of life lessons. Sesame just taught you to keep your mother-fucking cookies to yourself.” - Excerpt From: “A Place to Belong.”

An idiot is a 44th floor window washer who steps back to admire his work.

They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance.

A clear conscience is usually a sign of memory loss.

Keep smiling; it makes people wonder what you're up to.

All people have the right to stupidity but some people abuse the privilege.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

Common sense is the enemy of comedy.

Knowledge is power; Power is the root of all evil. Therefore study evil and excel at it.

What is this 'kindness' you speak of?

Why don't you slip into something comfortable; like a coma. I will gladly help you.

Only two things are infinite: 1)The universe 2) Human stupidity

There are few problems that can not be solved with large amounts of explosives.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

When there's a will, I want to be in it.

Hunni If You’re Gonna Be Two-Faced At Least Make One Pretty

You Laugh Because I'm Weird, I Laugh Because You Just Figured It Out.

If Barbie's So Popular, Why Do You Have To Buy Her Friends?

Life's Greatest Pleasure Is Doing What People Tell You Not To Do

If You Die In An Elevator Make Sure To Press The "Up" Button

Magic is the stuff Science hasn't made boring yet!

Education is important; school however, is another matter.

Don't follow in my footsteps; I tend to walk into walls

You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder.

Evening News is where they begin with "Good Evening" then proceed to tell you why it isn't

There's nothing wrong with arguing with yourself. It's when you argue with yourself and LOSE when it's weird.

The Alphabet Song, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, and Baa Baa Black Sheep have the same tune.

Dear Mathematics- I am not a therapist. Solve your own problems.

Warning: If zombies chase us, I'm tripping you.

If annoyed further, I shall spork your eyes out.

To some, silence is golden and ducktape is silver, but to me, they're one and the same.

Funeral: Noun. The only place where 'I'm sorry' and 'I apologize' mean two completely different things.

Karma: We cut paper, paper cuts us.

Death is like taxes; Other things may come and go in life, but only these are inevitable.

Here is a funny passage my friend sent to me a while ago:
I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there’s no fucking way Paper can beat Rock. Paper is supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? Why the hell can’t paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can’t paper do this to people? Why isn’t a notebook paper constantly suffocating students while they take notes in class? I’ll tell you why: because paper can’t beat anybody; a rock would tear that shit up in 2 seconds. When I play rock/paper/scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to beat me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say, “Oh shit, I’m sorry. I thought paper would protect you, you asshole!”

The best Sarcastic Harry quote from bk 5 "Order of Phoenix":

“Malfoy glanced around. Harry knew he was checking for signs of teachers. Then he looked back at Harry and said in a low voice, "You're dead, Potter."
Harry raised his eyebrows. "Funny," he said, "you'd think I'd have stopped walking around...”

The best WARNINGs:

Cars: Do not operate vehicle while asleep.

Iron: Do not iron clothes while on body.

Knife: May be sharp.

Bag of Peanuts: May contain nuts.

Chuck Norris Jokes

"Chuck Norris doesn't call the wrong number, you answer the wrong phone."

"When Alexander Bell invented the phone he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris."

"Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room. The grizzly bear isn't dead, it's just too afraid to move."

"Fear of spiders is arachnophobia, fear of tight spaces is claustrophobia, fear of Chuck Norris is logic."

"There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives."

"Some wizards can walk on water, Chuck Norris can swim through land."

"Chuck Norris can cut through a hot knife with butter."

"Chuck Norris and Superman fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing his underwear on the outside of his pants."

"Death once had a near-Chuck Norris experience."

"Chuck Norris counted to infinity – twice."

"Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding."

"Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are known today as Giraffs."

"When Chuck Norris does push ups, he isn't lifting himself up. He's pushing the world down."

"There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live."

"Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits."

"Chuck Norris starred in all three Star Wars movies... as the Force."

(Disclaimer again! I don't own the following statements. I copied it from abbzeh's profile page so that I can continuously read it when I'm mad at my mom.)

You know, in Harry Potter, mothers play a great role, and they should never be forgotten:

Lily Potter: She sacrificed herself for her only son, saving him from Voldemort's wrath.

Mrs Crouch: She chose to take her only son's place in Azkaban and die alone and forgotten, only to save his life.

Narcissa Malfoy: She chose to lie to Voldemort, a master legilimens, so she could see her son again.

Nymphadora Tonks: She chose to fight again, despite having an infant son, so that he could live in a better world.

Molly Weasley: She chose to kill Bellatrix Lestrange when her daughter, and the rest of her family, was threatened.

This is how a Professor explained Marketing Concepts to a class:

1. You see a Gorgeous Girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!"
- That's Direct Marketing.

2. You are at a party with a bunch of friends and see a Gorgeous Girl. One of your friends goes upto her and pointing at you says: "He's very rich.Marry him!"
- That's Advertising.

3. You are at a party and see a Gorgeous Girl. She walks up to you and says: "You are very rich! Can I marry you?"
- That's Brand Recognition.

4. You see a Gorgeous Girl at a party. You go upto her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" She gives you a nice hard slap on your face.
- That's Customer Feedback.

5. You see a Gorgeous Girl at a party. You go upto her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" And she introduces you to her husband.
- That's Demand and Supply Gap.

6. You see a Gorgeous Girl at a party. You go upto her and before you say: "I m rich, Marry me!", your wife arrives.
- That's Restriction for Entering New Markets.

Here is a very disturbing joke:

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophilia, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their minds.

"How about having sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.

"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophilia.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.

Silence took over... and the masochist says:

"Meow."