They say "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." Well I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill to many people.

92 percent of American teens would die if Abercombie and Fitch told them it was uncool to breathe. Copy this in your profile if you would be the 8 percent that would be laughing your butt off.

If you think those stupid kids should just give the rabbit the freaking Trix, copy this into your profile.

If you read people's profiles looking for things to copy and paste into your profile, copy and paste this into your profile

If you've ever run down an "up" escalator, paste this onto your profile.

If you've ever run up a "down" escalator, paste this into your profile.

If you have ever burst out laughing about something in a book, and people look at you wierd, copy and paste this on your profile.

If you have ever read a 250 pg + book in less than one day, copy and paste this into your profile.

Things to Ponder:

Why does the phychic hotline ask for your credit card #? Shouldn't they already know it?

Why is it that the fear of long words is Hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

Why is lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Actual Labels on Items

On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(but I don't know how to use 'regular' soap)

On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's 'just' a suggestion!)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert -printed on bottom of the box:
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! you lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(hmm..something must have gotten lost in the translation..)

On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space?)

On a food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(Really!?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(somebody got paid big bucks to write this one..)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
(Raise your hand if you've tried this.)

On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)

Jokes

Pessimist- This is horrible. I hate this. Things can't get any worse.

Optimist- Yes they Can!!

Bill: Jerry, you look like you didn't have any sleep last night.

Jerry: Actually, I have hadinsomnia for the past few days. Last night, I finally fell asleep at 12:00 and my wife woke me at 12:01 to tell me the good news.

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses She started her class by saying,"Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds,Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?" Steven raised his hand and said,"He's in heaven."Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart." Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!"The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds, Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this. Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning,my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells,"Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!"

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person."Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

14 things to do in WalMart

1. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

2. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

3. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone,
" 'Code 3' in housewares"... and see what happens.

4. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

5. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

7. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask,
"Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

8. Look right into the security camera & use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.

9. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti - depressants are.

10. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

11. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through,
say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

12. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream..
"NO! NO! It's those voices again!"

13. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while and then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!

14.Grab alot of bouncy balls and throw them down the aisle, shouting "Go, Pikachu, Go"

Excuse me... have you seen my sanity... I think I lost it.

Why do we teach kids that violence is not the answer and then have them read about wars in school that solved America's problems?

Why is Donkey Kong called "DONKEY" Kong if he's a monkey?

If your name is Mr. Crunch, and you joined the Navy, would you eventually be Captain Crunch?

364 days of the year, parents tell their kids not to take candy from
strangers, yet on Halloween, its encouraged! Why is that?

Whoever said nothing is impossible, never tried slamming a revolving door...

My friend got a pack of marbles. One day she came to me and said " I can find my marbles" I run around saying "My friend has lost her marbles! My friend has lost her marbles!"

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & and those that cant.

If olive oil comes from olives then where does baby oil come from?

Flying is simple. Just throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Two things are infinite; the universe, and human stupidity... not so sure about the universe.

If a missing person sees their picture on a milk carton that offers a reward, would they get the money?

You say I'm not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I'm not cold, I'm hot. I know I'm hot. Thanks for embracing it.

I'm the kind of girl who will burst our laughing in the middle of a dead silence because of something that happened yesterday.

"Wal-Mart, do they like, sell walls there?" - Paris Hilton

When it rains on my party, I bust out the slip n' slide.

"When life gives you lemons, make grape juice. Then sit back and watch the world wonder how you did it."

"Those who don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it."

"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else"

Top 75 Most Annoying Things To Do In An Elevator

When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor your on.

Hold the doors open and say your waiting for a friend. After a while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"

Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"

Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.

Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.

Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking.

Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

Ask, "Did you feel that?"

Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay, don't panic, they open again!"

Swat at flies that don't exist.

Tell people that you can see their aura.

Call out, "Group Hug!"and then enforce it.

Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"

Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"

Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "Your one of THEM!" and back away slowly.

Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce, "I have new socks on".

Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is MY personal space!"

Put police tape in front of the door before entering.

Fart loudly when there are only two of you in the elevator. Argue vehemently that it wasn't you.

Do the "potty dance" all the way to the elevator door. Upon arrival, sigh and look greatly relieved.

Throw a rave.

Place potted plants and water fountains at strategic locations in the lift. When people ask what you are doing, tell them you "won't ride an elevator that's not fung shwei."

Greet everyone getting on with a warm handshake and ask them to call you "Admiral".

Hum the first six notes of the "It's a small world" over and over again.

Lean over to another rider and whisper 'Noogie patrol coming!'"

Have a heated debate with yourself.

Bring a melon onto the elevator. Try to sell it to the other passengers.

Drum on every available surface.

Write a big X on the elevator floor, and hand out "pirate" maps to everyone as they enter.

Give psychotherapy to the other passengers.

Greet everyone coming on as if they were your best friend. Use the same name for all of them.

Say "ring ring," then pull a banana out of your pocket and start talking into it.

Propose to the other passengers.

Challenge people to duels.

Sell girl scout cookies.

Come on looking really scared, and say to another passenger..."I'm kinda nervous...this is my first time flying..."

Any time someone enters the doors, recoil in horror.

Shout "Food fight!"

Every time someone else talks, angrily shout: "Some people are trying to sleep here!"

When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to pull the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

Lick one of the buttons. Tell the other passengers you're sick and tired of people stealing your food the second you turn your back.

Elevators were practically MADE for river dnce!

Bring a snowboard onto the elevator. Put it on. Every time the lift goes up or down, shout "WOO-YEAH! This is what I call sick air!"

Shave.

Every time the elevator goes down, loudly scream "OH MY GOD!! We're all gonna die! This is it! This is it! It's over! IT'S OVER!!" Look relieved when it stops moving. When you begin to drop again, repeat.

Ask the other passengers if they want to see your glass clown collection.

Practice your kung fu.

Make race car noises when people get on and off.

Ask everyone on the elevator: "Are you my mother?"

Fly a model airplane.

Do yoga.

Play the accordion

Enter the elevator with nothing on your head. Individually ask everyone if they like your hat.

Bring a rocking chair. Sit and knit.

Recite gangsta rap lyrics in monotone.

Enter with a shovel, and attempt to "dig for treasure."

Read "Green Eggs and Ham" at the top of your lungs. Sound out every word.

-Maximum Ride

Here is the BEST POEM EVER:

White is the colour of little bunnies with pink noses.

White is the colour of fluffy clouds fluffing their way across the sky.

White is the colour of soft serve ice cream in a cone.

White is the colour of angels wings and Angel's wings.

White is the colour of brand new ankle socks fresh out of the bag.

White is the colour of crisp sheets in schmancy hotels

White is the colour of every last freaking gol-danged thing you see for endless miles and MILES if you happen to be in Antarctica trying to save the world, which now you aren't so sure you can do because you feel like if you see any more whiteness- Wonder Bread, someone's underwear, teeth, you will completely and totally lose your ever-lovin' mind and wind up pushing a grocery cart full of empty cans around New York City, muttering to yourself.