Note: Having tech difficulties with my latest fic "Furtive". I edited it but the edited version is not appearing. Hopefully, I'll get that figured out and squared away soon.

Profile Table of Contents

About me:

I'm not a "Writer". My interest is in discourse and social narratives, which I try to experiment with every handful of years. Thought, sometimes I venture out into the written world to stretch my creative muscles, to escape into another world, or to writing something I've been wanting to read but haven't found elsewhere quite as I would like to read it.

As a reader, if I leave a review a review riddled with typos, I tend to read fanfiction at odd hours to sooth nightmares or to finishing falling off into asleep. Please pardon the wreckage. ;)

.:X:.

OTP's

Sailor Moon: Haruka/Michiru, Usagi/Haruka, Usagi/Haruka/Michiru, Ami/Makoto

Revolutionary Girl Utena: Anthi/Utena, Utena/Juri, Kozue/Juri

Once Upon a Time: Swan/Queen, Red/Beauty, Sleeping/Warrior

Buff the Vampire Slayer: Faith/Buffy, Faith/Cordelia, Faith/Veronica Mars (crossover with Veronica Mars), Faith/Supergirl (crossover with Supergirl), Faith, Faith, Faith...

I need you to beta my fic(s)

I have written a Sailor Moon fic that I am particularly proud of (It was not meant to be published, however, after my picky friend read it and said that it had restored her faith in fanfiction, I was persuaded. However, it needs an experienced beta.)

"Furtive" (April 26, 2014) The first in a series of OUAT vignettes whose themes center on one word each. I am hoping to build these several layers deep, so that the longer readers contemplate the fic, the more hidden connections they uncover between featured word and vignette. Suggestion's welcome.

"On a theme and a fall from the balcony" (November 27, 2013) holds a special place in my heart. I am enjoying reading it along with other "Balcony" fics (Well 1, by Sharnii https://www.fanfiction.net/s/5619693/1/Secret-of-the-Strong I hope to find more. Please write one?). It's been too long since I've watched the series and I realize that I've left out some key points :P

As for my balcony fic, it is multi-faceted and most readers who have faced any kind of persecution will likely come away with something familiar. This story is dark, very sad, and offers no hope to the reader who hasn't read the manga or watched the anime. The most immediate theme is gender roles, but it's capacity stretches much further. (I'm not a gender abolitionist, contrary to how it might appear.) I don't suggest it as reading for anyone who is experiencing isolation and oppression who might be contemplating suicide. To you I emphasize, don't forget how the series ends!) We can always be somewhere dark and be sure of a thing at various places along our journeys, until we've had a chance to look at the starlight from the place ahead of us. If you don't think it's there, remember, we're already in the process of building it together. Though I would never shame you, or think you weak if you feel exhausted and need a rest. I think we all do at various times in our life. Just know that things are already changing a little more each day. You can come sit beside me though, if you need a little rest. Here, have some water. Have whatever self-care you need. I never want to cause you pain with what I've written. There's hope where things get disrupted, where monotony ruptures, and metaphors change a phrase. This is all part of the change.

My first fanfic (6/15/07) was "Rei's terrible, really bad, no good day." Hino Rei was my least favorite character all those years ago. I was frustrated reading so many fics where the authors made their leave favorite characters OOC's in order to to abuse them. So, I challenged myself to write a humorous Hino Reig feature, keeping her as true to character as I could manage. I was very young at the time, and still not a writer. I highly recommend skipping all of the author notes therein. Otherwise, I am very proud of this fic because of the journey I took along the way and the journey I've been on since. (And I don't hate Rei so much these days. I have found a grudging respect and admiration for her temper and defiance of the traditional care-giver role. She has another role, for which she is unapologetic.)

Meanwhile, I've written several duds that house incredible potential (We see how well that worked out for OUAT's Adam Horowitz and Edward Kitsis...t-_-t). The themes of my duds, however, purposefully explore the gritty guts of unequal power dynamics. I was not skilled enough to realize their potential, but I hope that others will be inspired to make the leap from potential into fanfiction.

My all time favorite fanfiction authors are:

Alithea and April Eagle.

My thanks to:

Delonde, beta reader for "So, this is rape."

My reviews: As I mature I am working on becoming more constructive and appreciative, and less of a shit. Also, I am an awkward reviewer. I have synesthesia and feelings have a color sense. And not always colors that I can describe. And so, when I have thoroughly enjoyed a fic, the words of my enjoyment are usually the least dominant input my brain is giving me, or there are simply no words in our vocabulary to describe those color feelings. So, if I've favorited your fic and not left a review, or favorited but left an inadequate review, just know that your fic brought beautiful colors into my world, and I thank you for them.

Major TW beyond this point

I have an absolute love/hate relationship with my fic, "So, this is rape" (12/25/10) Rape as a plot almost never improves the world, almost always contributes to the narratives that encourage rape, and re-establishes, rewards, and eroticizes the role of the abuser. For a long time, I really hadn't thought of my responsibility as a writer, producing material that others will consume into their reference narratives. I received more than one PM from survivors saying that this story had changed their lives forever and inspired massive healing. So, here it sits, not deleted.

I am of the strong opinion that survivors of trauma should not ever have to empathize with, love, or forgive their abusers. Nor will I cast shame on those who do. I am a survivor. There is not a single path forward. There are many. Shame does not help us on our way. And "forward" is a word no one else should define for us. Using that word necessitates a disclaimer: the idea that trauma is "past" "in the past" somehow "stationary", is not something anyone should impose on anyone else, because it can be presumptuous, invalidating, and revictimizing.

Meanwhile, I also love this fic. In my vast imaginings I gained a sense of power by becoming Usagi taking something away from the aggressor. Unfortunately, another reason I hate this fic is that I saw her as a victor, a relic from the gross idea that there are winners and losers involved in rape. That someone can take a "victory" from an abuser supports the idea that otherwise the abuser "took a victory" from the abused. In there is the seed that I still see abuse as a form of victory, which is probably what abusers see and why they abuse, they see some kind of victory. It turns my stomach that this narrative lives inside of me. I reject it intellectually and here it shows up in a fanfiction I wrote. And despite it all, I still love this version of Usagi and I love her victory, which brings us to the next problematic aspect: Victim blaming.

Had Usagi not "won" would it have been her fault? Would the trauma have been her fault because she hadn't done something? Don't go that way. It strengthens rape culture. This is not the responsibility of the survivor. The survivor has no responsibility to do anything. I repeat the survivor has no responsibility to do anything, not survive, not heal, not become well adjusted, not to be broken, not to be deeply affected, not to bring others close or keep them away. The survivor has no responsibility, save for not becoming abusers of non-aggressors.