Read my stories if you want. Review if you want. Or don't, I don't care either way.

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99% percent of American girls would cry if they saw Justin Beiber on a skyscraper about to jump if you're one of the 1% that would be on the the skyscraper, sitting on a lawn chair with popcorn telling him to do a flip, copy and paste this onto your profile.

relax. nothing is ok.

364 days of the year, parents tell their kids not to take candy from strangers, yet on Halloween, its encouraged! Why is that?

Whoever said nothing is impossible, never tried slamming a revolving door...

"Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way you're a mile away from them and you have their shoes."

"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most."

"An apple a day keeps the doctor away, if well aimed."

I love deadlines. I like to wave at them as they pass by

Always forgive your enemies... nothing annoys them more.

never do anything you don't want to explain to the paramedics

there are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & and those that cant.

It IS as bad as you think and they ARE out to get you.

If you can stay calm when all around you is complete chaos, you probably haven't fully understood the situation.

Don't knock on death's door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that.

Flying is simple. Just throw yourself at the ground and miss.

When someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown about it but it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and punch them. Do it... DO IT!

Be insane... because well behaved girls never made history.

WARNING: Do NOT walk in my footsteps... I tend to walk into walls, and off the occasional cliffs

Growing old is mandatory...growing up is optional...

Kid, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?

Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn't find anyone to copy it from.

He who laughs last didn't get it.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking.

Got a problem with me? Solve it.

When life gives you lemons, make apple juice and let the world wonder how you did it.

The voices in my head may not be real but they still have pretty good ideas...

When it rains on my party, I bust out the slip n’ slide.

You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder.

Smile. It confuses people.

There's nothing wrong with arguing with yourself. It's when you argue with yourself and LOSE when it's weird.

You know it's going to be a bad day when you fall out of bed and miss the floor.

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

If it wasn't for physics and law enforcement I'd be unstoppable.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

Help, I've fallen and I can't...hey, nice carpet! It's soo pretty!

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

The cops never find it as funny as you do.

I'm the kind of person who will burst out laughing in the middle of a dead silence because of something that happened...yesterday

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

It's always the last place you look...of course it is, why the heck would I keep looking after I found it?

When life gives you lemons, alter their DNA and make SUPER LEMONS!

I'm the kind of person that walks into a door and apologizes.

I know at least one person who would love to push me down the stairs.

I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer.

You can't spell awesome without ME!

Boys are like slinkeys, useless, but fun to watch fall down the stairs.

Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.

What you call stupidity, I call selective understanding.

I'm an optimistic pessimist.

I am NOT saying your stupid...I'm just implying it.

I'm going on a quest, to the deepest, darkest corners of my room, in search of what some would call a "floor" - a long and difficult task awaits me my friends, wish me luck, for I may not return alive

Don't try to out-weird me-- I get stranger things than you free with my breakfast cereal.

You don't like me, well it's mind over matter. I don't mind and you don't matter.

You're a special kind of stupid aren't you?

I didn't mean to hurt your feelings...I was aiming for your face

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level and beat you with experience. Never argue with me, I'll drag you down to my level and beat you with a bat.

You say 'crazy' like it's a bad thing

I'm not afraid of death. What's it going to do, kill me?

"I don't have a license to kill ... I have a learners permit!"

"Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a tear."

"If you love someone, tell them. Because hearts are often broken with words left out."

"He handed her 11 red roses and one fake rose, he said ‘I will love you until the last rose dies."

"I don’t understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentines Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon."

"I guess of all my uncles, I liked Uncle Cave Man the best. We called him Uncle Cave Man because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he'd come out and eat one of us. Later on we found out he was a bear."

"Sanity? I never had such a useless thing to begin with!"

"When in doubt, push random buttons!"

"When you talk to God, that's religion. When God talks to you, that's psychotic."

"You know, you do this annoying thing where you open your mouth and then these things you call words come out. Yeah like that. Stop it."

"I'm not cynical, everything just sucks."

"Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies."

"Hate is just a special kind of love we give to people who suck."

"YOUTUBE myspace and I'll Google your YAHOO."

"Apparently 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family so it must be one of them. Either it's my mom or my dad. Or my older brother Collin. Or my other brother Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it's Collin."

"I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no way Paper can beat Rock. Is Paper supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? If so, why can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody, a rock would tear that crap up in two seconds. When I play rock/ paper/ scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my ready made fist and say, oh, I'm sorry, I thought paper would protect you."

"Okay...so there's this thing called retarded-ness and me and my freinds, well...We've gone pro."

"He who laughs last didn't get it, and he who laughs first has the dirtiest mind."

"Most women say that men should have to suffer through periods like us; not me. If men had periods, they'd brag about the size of their tampons."

"Therapy pays off later; screaming obsentities and beating the shit out of people pays off now."

"Don't underestimate me, pal. See this smile? It's not really a smile. It's a destraction so I can punch you in the face."

"MENtal anxiety, MENtal breakdown, MENstrual cramps, MENopause... Did you ever notice how all of our problems begin with MEN?"

"May God have mercy on my enemies, 'cause I sure as hell won't."

"A rejected invention: Instant water! just add water!"

"Doctors say I have multiple personalties. We disagree with that."

"It doesnt matter whether the glass is half empty or half full,just drink it and get it over with."

"Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery."

"Firefighter: At one point we decided to fight fire with fire... Well...basically... your house burned even faster."

"I’m not paranoid… WHICH ONE OF MY ENEMIES TOLD YOU THIS?!"

"EMO–Extravagently Made Origami."

"I don’t obsess! I think intensely."

"I want to do that thing when you put a map of the world on your wall and put pins in all the places you’ve been to. But first, I’ll have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it doesn’t fall down."

"Why is rap so named? Becasue the’c’ fell off at the printer."

"Whose sick joke was it for the fear of long words to be called hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia?"

"Constipated people don’t give a crap."

"This is Bob :) Bob likes sharp things, Bob likes you, I suggest you run from Bob."

"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."

"One must take time to think! Rushing forward without considering things beforehand is the height of foolishness."

"FOOL! Those in power have the responsibility to maintain honor!”

"...after you've filled the world to the brim with you insanity, what else will remain?"

You can't put a limit on anything

Have you ever just wanted to roundhouse kick writers block in the face?

I'm the kind of person who can set a kitchen on fire by making a bowl of cereal.

Screw hugs- I'm just going to tackle you when I see you next.

Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.

Imperfection is beauty, Madness is genius, and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.

Whenever I look at math, I see this: I have 12 apples, and you have 11 stamps, so how many pancakes can fit on a roof? Purple, because aliens don't wear hats.

It's you and me against the world... we attack at dawn.

Writing isn't a career, it's more of a mental illness.

Haters gonna hate. Send them to the moon.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence you had tried.

You laugh at me because I'm crazy, I laugh because there's an invisible leprechaun on your shoulder!

They say ‘Guns don't kill people, people kill people.’ Well I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people. That depends on whether you’re in a nursing home or not.

When life throws you lemons, throw a brick back

I called your boyfriend gay and he hit me with his purse.

Never say 'Things couldn't get any worse.' God takes that as a personal challenge.

Me, Myself, and I are fighting. I got mad at Myself, and Me got mad at I so now Me, Myself and I are sitting it opposite of my brain. Please help me.

I have six locks on my door. Whenever I go out I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they’re always locking three.

Knowing is half the battle. The other half is punching someone in the face.

When life gives you lemons say “screw you” and go find an orange.

We are not retreating… we are advancing in another direction.

Evening News is where they begin with "Good Evening" then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

Don’t knock on death’s door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that.

Some people are like Slinkies. They're really good for nothing. But they still really bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.

When I was kidnapped my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn’t find anyone to copy it from.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

The shit you heard about me might be real… Then again it might be as fake as the bitch who told you.

We’re not sarcastic - We’re hilarious. We’re not annoying - We’re just cooler than you. We’re not mean - We just don’t like you. And we’re not obsessed - We’re just best friends.

We live in an age where pizza gets to your home before the police.

Three out of two people have trouble with fractions.

If Google didn’t exsist, we’d all be screwed.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

My mom never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, 'I’m going to mop the floor with you’re face.' I said, 'You’ll be sorry.' He said, 'Oh, yeah? Why?' I said, 'Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.'

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon'. Need I say more?

What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time…' A southern fairytale begins 'Ya’ll ain’t gonna believe this shit…'

Haikus are easy. But sometimes they don’t make sense. Refrigerator.

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

How do you get a sweet, little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet, little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

Roses are red, violets are blue. I’m schizophrenic, and so am I.

The butterflies are plotting SOMETHING.

20 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time , Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label it " In".

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks , Write "For Smuggling Diamonds".

7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy".

8. Don't use any punctuation.

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water when ever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go".

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital. And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area and Play tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In the Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity