The English have Boxing Day, so why can't we have Ass-Kicking Day? ~My Mother

I'm so politically incorrect it's a wonder they let me vote! ~Me

I think my mind's eye needs glasses. Who are you again? ~Me, at a Christmas party

Cheer up! The worst is yet to come! ~Philander Johnson (who the heck is Philander Johnson?)

Saddam Hussein: I am the President of Iraq, and I am willing to negotiate!
Soldier: Wow, wonders never cease. I thought the two were mutually exclusive.

My first rule of writing: Make someone happy. Delude them. Then crush all their hope and joy into dust and point and laugh at them. Then do it again. And again. Until you have finally broken their puny will to live. ~Marlo

Interviewer: If there is such a thing as heaven, what would you like God to say to you when you get there?
Johnny Depp: Wow.

Are you a MexiCAN, or a MexiCAN'T? ~Agent Sands

Which led to...

Are you an AmeriCAN, or an AmeriCAN'T? ~Elly

Ok, ok, I'm going to freak right out! ~Agent Sands (I use this one a lot, mostly in geometry)

I gave the voices a dollar and they went away... ~Genesis

The road to hell is paved with good intentions and ADVERBS! ~Stephen King

I have the heart of a child... in a jar... on my desk. ~Stephen King

And so... on with the show!