Status: Working on it's impolite to stare she said.

Life isn't passing me by, it's trying to run me over, chop me into little pieces, stuff me in a blender, press purée, and bake me into little cakes that life can enjoy with its afternoon tea!!!!!!!! ... ... ... Sorry... My karma hates me...even though I'm Irish.

a special thanks to the author(s) catsvrsdogscatswin also known as Jay, May, and their secratary Mack for all of the nagging, pestering, and rambling that drove me both to make this account, but also drove me to a whole new level of insanity

A black man walks into a cafe one early morning and noticed that he was the only black man there. As he sat down, he noticed a white man behind him. The white man said, "Coloured people are not allowed here." The black man turned around and stood up. He then said:

"When I was born I was black,"

"When I grew up I was black,"

"When I'm sick I'm black,"

"When I go in the sun I'm black,"

"When I'm cold I'm black,"

"When I die I'll be black."

"But you sir..."

"When you're born you're pink,"

"When you grow up you're white,"

"When you're sick, you're green,"

"When you go in the sun you turn red,"

"When you're cold you turn blue,"

"And when you die you turn greyish-browny-black."

"And yet you have the nerve to call me coloured?"

The black man then sat back down and the white man walked away...

STOP Racism! It ain't cool! Copy and past if you agree!

My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems.

It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.

"I want to die in my sleep like my great grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car..."

Chaos. Panic. Disorder. My work here is done.

I love you is 8 letters, so is bullshit.

One day, your prince will come. Mine? Oh, he just took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions.

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

Smile. It confuses people.

Its you and me against the world... we attack at dawn

My knight in shining amour turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way you're a mile away from them and you have their shoes

Bravery is just a nice way of saying stupidity

So... what you're saying is, I should cancel my plans to invade China

The road to success is always under construction

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button

Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like solitary confinement

Why is it called 'after dark' when it really is 'after light'?

Save the earth. It's the only planet with chocolate

No I won't go to hell! It has a restraining order against me

Engineering: 'How will this work?' Science: ‘Why will this work?' Management: 'When will this work? Liberal Arts: ‘Do you want fries with that?

God made man, and then he said, "I can do better than that," and made women.

I'm the kind of person that walks into a door and apologizes

Death is God's way of saying you're fired. Suicide is human’s way of saying you can't fire me, I quit

What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men?

I hear your silence loud and clear

At last! My plans for world domination are complete! MAHAHAHAA? Oh look, something shiny...must go look.

"Please Note: CHRISTMAS IS CANCELED Apparently you told Santa that you have been good this year...he died laughing."

If you can't fix it with duck tape you haven't used enough!

"I tried sniffing coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose"

"If you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.

STRESS: A condition brought on by over-riding the bodies natural desire to choke the living daylights out of some jerk who desperately deserves it

You don't have to be faster than the bear, you just have to be faster than the slowest guy running from the bear.

I did what they say and chose the road less traveled...Now where the heck am I?

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

When life gives you a lemon, throw the lemon back and demand chocolate

Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.

The cops never find it as funny as you do.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

One way to find out if something works: push all the buttons.

God created boys before girls because every true artist creates a rough draft before a masterpiece.

You know it's a bad day when you roll off the bed...and miss the floor.

It's not a complete day unless I scare the crap out of one of my friends.

Just when I think you've said the stupidest thing ever you keep on talking.