Naruto Jokes:

Kakashi + Obito = Sharingan Eye. Sharing - an - eye

Yo mama so fat, even Naruto couldn't Believe it!

Pein can make it rain

Karin is so fat, not even Naruto can believe it!
Karin is so fat, not even the byakugan can see through her.
Karin is so ugly, ANBU thought she was in the second level of the curse mark, and kicked her butt.
Karin is so stupid, she took a shiet thinking it would open the 8 inner gates.
Karin is so old, Gai dropped his "Power of youth" philosophy on the spot.
Karin is so ugly, when she passed by Hinata, Hinata yelled 'dayummmmm!'
Karin is so ugly, Itachi felt like his eyesight was diminishing when he saw her.
Karin is so ugly, she made Jiraiya too scared to peek again when he saw her.
Karin is so fat she made fun of Chouji for being skin and bones
Karin is so fat that when Lee was doing her, he gave up.
Karin is so ugly, They made her join ANBU just so they can put a mask on her
Karin is so stupid, she couldn't find any of the "hidden" villages.
Karin is so ugly, the Nine-tails fled in fear.
Karin is so ugly, it's forbidden just to transform into her
Karin is so fat, Tazuna considered using her as the bridge to the
mainland.

╔═╦╦══╦══╦╗╔╦══╦══╗╔╗
║║║║╔╗║╔╗║║║╠╗╔╣╔╗║║║Put this on your
║║║║╚╝║╚╝╣║║║║║║║║║╚╝page if you love
║║║║╔╗║╔╗║╚╝║║║║╚╝║╔╗Naruto!
╚╩═╩╝╚╩╝╚╩══╝╚╝╚══╝╚╝

LEARN CHINESE IN 5 MINUTES
Say the words out loud.
1) That's not right... ...Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive? ...Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP... ...Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man... ... Dum Fuk
5) Small Horse... ...Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the Beach?...Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped into a coffee table...Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8) I think you need a face lift...Chin Tu Fat
9) It's very dark in here...Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet...Wai Yu Mun Ching
11) This is a tow away zone...,No Pah King
12) Our meeting is next week...Wai Yu Kum Nao
13) Staying out of sight...Le i Ying Lo
14) He's cleaning his automobile...Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odor is offensive...Yu Stin Ki Pu
16) Great... ...Fa Kin Su Pah

"REMEMBER WHEN"

REMEMBER WHEN ..
getting HiGH meant swinging at a playground?
the worst thing you could get from a boy was c0otiEs?
'm 0 m' (was your hero)
and 'D a D' was the boy you were gonna marry?
when your W0RST ENEMiES were your siblings
and rAcE iSsuEs were about who ran fastest?
when - WAR- was a card game
and life was simple and care free?
remember when all you wanted to do
WAS GROW UP?

Put This In Your Profile If You're Still 5 Inside...No Matter How Old You Are Now

FRIENDS: Never ask for anything to eat or drink.
BEST FRIENDS: Helps themselves and are the reason why you have no food.

FRIENDS: Call your parents by Mr. and Mrs. and Grandpa, by Grandpa.
BEST FRIENDS: Call your parents DAD and MOM and Grandpa, GRAMPS!

FRIENDS: Would bail you out of jail.
BEST FRIENDS: Would be sitting next to you sayin "DAMN!" we fucked up!

FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.
BEST FRIENDS: Wont tell everyone else you cried...just laugh about it with you in private when your not down anymore.

FRIENDS: Asks you to write down your number.
BEST FRIENDS: Has you on speed dial.

FRIENDS: Borrows your stuff for a few days then gives it back.
BEST FRIENDS: Loses your shit and tells you, "My bad...here's a tissue."

FRIENDS: Only know a few things about you.
BEST FRIENDS: Could write a very embarrassing biography on your life story...

FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing.
BEST FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds ass that left you

FRIENDS: Would knock on your front door.
BEST FRIENDS: Walk right in and say "I'M HOME."

FRIENDS: You have to tell them not to tell anyone.
BEST FRIENDS: Already know not to tell.

FRIENDS: Are only through highschool/college. (aka: drinking buddies)
BEST FRIENDS: Are for life.

FRIENDS: Will be there to take your drink away from you when they think you've had enough.
BEST FRIENDS: Will look at you stumbling all over the place & say "Bitch drink the rest of that ! You know we don't waste!

FRENDS: Will confort you when the guy rejects you
BEST FRIENDS: Will go up to him and say 'its becuase your gay isn't it?'

FRIENDS: Would ignore this letter
BEST FRIENDS: Will re-post this shittttt!

You Know You're Addicted Bleach When...

You've dyed your air orange

You consider an umbrella to be an unreleased Zanpakuto

...Until you "release" it and scream "Open... Ubrellamaru!"

Things are getting worse because you stole two of your mom's 'flower-shaped sequins', dabbed them with gel and placed it on your hair.

You cross your arms in front of you and laugh insanely "BWAAHAHAHAHA!"

You cover your right arm with a long sock and thrust it forward thinking large amount of energy will shoot out

You've really been watching too much when you powder your face until it's pure white and draw a line under your eyes (With a blue marker) and act like Ulquiora.

You've named your stuffed animal Kon

You take the front half of a skull from biology class and call yourself a Vizard.

You eat a piece of candy thinking your soul will come out your body

You visit onto Bleach forums and make thousands of random theories

...And then fight with other members when they don't agree with you

You colored a piece of paper black, cut it out in a circle, and taped it to your chest

...And then glued a broken chain to it

You wear hair pins hoping they will help you in a time of need.

You wear an eye patch while you white to give your opponent an "advantage".

You bust in to class saying "The sprits are always with you!"

You've poked the person next to you using a stick and expected a Shinigami to come out of a gigai

Your doing something requiring unbelievable amounts of energy and yell "BANKAI!"

You just ate red beans with potato chips in in ice cream for lunch

You like to say somebody's name like your inspired after they make some kind of declaration

You put a piece of candy in a stuffed animal hoping it'll come alive.

Guys knitting in school has suddenly become cool.

You think it's cool to see "bleach" written on the the laundry isle sign at the store.

You jump kick your kid the second he wakes up.

You where a black cloak and some sandals and white socks

After moments of not talking and being quiet, people start to think you really can't talk

You think your cat is actually a hot girl in disguise.

You open up a Bleach web site

...And call it your life's work.

You have your little brother throw petals around you after you say "Scatter Senbonzakura"

You practicing on your archery skills is referred to as "training".

You start adding "-taichou" to the end of your teacher's names.

You run around the street wearing a long black robe with sandals

Whenever your somebody calls you by your name, you tell them: "That's Captain insert your name here to you."

You've gone insane when you got into a fight and realized that your enemy is stronger and you mutter: "What strong reiatsu!"

Whenever your cell phone rings you run outside and look for Hollows

You realized that carrying a wooden sword around school was not a good idea

You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends who are addicted to Bleach

...And also try to add to this list as well

You Know You're a Naruto Addict When...

You eat Ramen all day every day.

You've watched every episode at least 5 times - in English and Japanese.

You watched the first 135 episodes of Naruto in less than 5 days.

You buy a 200 pair of Sharingan contacts.

You say "Dattebayo" or "Believe it!" after every sentence.

You cover half of your face with a mask.

You spend all your free time looking at Naruto web sites.

You try to walk up trees using your feet only.

You draw whiskers on your face.

You spend the time to make and maintain a Naruto web site. _

You draw black circles around your eyes.

You think about killing your entire family just to test your abilities.

You always talk about Naruto, even if no one wants to hear about it.

You run with your arms behind you.

You have read and written Naruto fan fiction.

..And took it a step further by making a Naruto music video .

You decide to call your morals your "ninja way".

You thrust your arm forward with a stress ball in hand and yell "Rasengan!"

You run with a snowball during a snowball fight, dodging everything in your path (or at least pretending to) and get to your target and thrust a "Snow Rasengan!" in their face.

You feel like you can tap into yourself and demand bursts of energy during a race or fight.

You yell out "Demon Windmill Shuriken" when your throwing a Frisbee.

You dye your hair blonde and try to walk up a tree.

You watch Naruto in Japanese, without English subtitles, even though you don't know a lick of Japanese.

You address your tests as the Chunin Exams.

You dye your hair red and carry a large bottle of of sand on your back.

You call old men who stare at young women “Ero-sennin” or “Pervy sage”

Your not Japanese and you say "Itadakimasu" before you eat

Your dreams and daydreams consist of elements from the Naruto world.

You have Naruto games for video game systems you don't even have.

You name your dog Akamaru or Pakkun.

You tell people your dream is to be Hokage.

You replace your backpack with a giant gourd.

You feel like you have the Sharingan after you put in normal, everyday people contacts.

...And feel like you turn off your Sharingan after you take out the contacts.

You paint the Nine-Tailed Fox seal on your stomach and claim you have a demon inside of you.

Whenever your stomach rumbles, you think its Nine-Tailed Demon Fox trying to get out.

You wear a jacket in the middle of the summer.

You roll your eyes back in your head and shout "Byakugan!"

You give people the 'nice-guy' pose.

You jump into the room, kicking the door yelling "Dynamic Entry!"

You have to put on a headband before a major competition.

...And want your competition to do it too so people acknowledge you all as equals.

You do something stupid, you claim you were being controlled by the Shadow Possesion Jutsu

You trade in your favorite hat for a forehead protector.

You dress up like a girl and say it's your "Sexy Jutsu" (for guys only).

You get a tattoo of a cursed seal on your neck.

You don't care that your life has started to suck because "it's not cannon".

You leave your town for two and a half years, come back, and pretend you're cooler and smarter then before.

Any mention of Naruto makes you scream, laugh, applaud, or overall just become rather excited.

You name your dog Akamaru or Pakkun.

You daydream about fighting the likes of Orochimaru, Itachi, or all of Akatsuki member.

You try to make pairings between characters.

You try to teach your dog 'Dynamic Marking'.

You throw clay birds hoping they'll explode.

You carry puppets with you.

You call your group of friends a "three man cell".

"Art is a Bang"

Your theories in chemistry, psychology, or philosophy class always reference Naruto somehow.

You wear a gigantic black cloak with red clouds on it.

The only facts you know about cells are the ones you learned from Tsunade.

You have gotten at least one friend addicted to Naruto.

You imagine Mount Rushmore as the Hokage faces.

You buy those stickers and stick them on your car, room, or face.

You always wear sunglasses and keep bugs in your pockets.

Your on a Naruto forum and it's 4:00 AM.

You spy on girls and call it research.

You try to summon a frog in biology class.

...by biting your thumb, making hand signs, and thrusting your hand on the floor.

You carry around frogs and call yourself "the Toad Sage".

You claim to be an expert on the Japanese language, then get kicked out of Japan on your vacation because all you knew how to do was insult people.

You refuse a date because your saving yourself for Sakura or Sasuke.

You have a pet pig named Tonton.

You draw symbols on a scroll and try to seal a whole in a wall with it.

You stay up all night waiting for the release of the next manga chapter.

You stay up all night waiting for the release of the next episode.

You call your teachers sensei and your not Japanese.

You add the suffixes -chan and -kun to the end of your friends names and your not Japanese.

You follow somebody home and when they ask you why, you tell them it's part you mission.

You use pick-up lines like “Wanna see my new jutsu?” or “Did you see my shadow clone pass by here earlier?”

You dress up a piece of wood and tell people your practicing a substitution technique.

You start making hand signs.

...And then run at somebody yelling "Chidori!"

You try to sign a contract with blood.

You hit people over the head if they say something stupid.

You paste a piece of paper that says come come paradise on the front of adult books.

You keep all your money in a frog shaped wallet.

You try to do 200 push-ups and when your not able to, you'll do 200 squats, and when you can't do that you'll try to walk around your town 200 times on your hands.

You try and compare people in real life to people in Naruto.

You drive around with Naruto music blasting out of the car, hoping somebody will recognize them and think your cool.

Your in a fight and rub some hot sauce in your eyes, yelling "Sharingan!"

You take out a bottle of hot sauce and drink it, shouting "Katon: Goukakyuu no Jutsu! (Fire Style: Fireball Jutsu)"

You get mad when people call Naruto stupid or Gay

You have many Naruto head bands with the same sign on it and you got it again cuz it's a different color or its metal

You trust your life in websites like Saiyanisland or Uzumakiworld

You wish they would put Naruto Shippuuden on Adult Swim

You though Naruto was a little boring after Sasuke left

You think Byakugan looks a little painfull

You even write in Adult Fanfiction

You think all of the Naruto boys look a lot hotter in Shippuuden

You make up your own little Naruto world in your head

You wish you had half of all Naruto products or all

You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends who are addicted to Naruto

...And also try to add to this list as well

10 BEST THINGS ABOUT BEING A GIRL

10. We can wear guy clothes, but if they wear ours they get funny looks

9. At least one girl always survives in horror movies

8. We can put cotton between our toes and paint our nails without feeling the least bit silly

7. Our magazines have horiscopes

6. Girls with guy first names like Taylor sound cool, but it doesn't work the other way around

5. Our friends don't say "hi" but punching us in the arm

4. Yes PMS sucks, but at least we have an excuse to lay around eating chocolate once a month

3. Make-up covers any imperfections we may have

2. If we flirt with a cop, we can get out of a speeding ticket

1. Girl Talk... you know, the way we all just understand each other without having to explain a thing

WHAT CELEBRITIES MIGHT SAY WHEN ASKED: "WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?"

"Why would he be on a road? I thought chickens lived in the ocean..." -Jessica Simpson

"That (censor) fool of a chicken didn't (censor) know what the (censor) he was doin' crossin' a (censor) alley in (censor) Harlem at 1:00 in the (censor) morning" -Snoop Dogg

"To cross or not to cross, that is the question" -Shakespeare

"I agree that the chicken should cross the road, but I believe he should not get to the other side" -John Kerry

"Chickens, over a great period of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads" -Charles Darwin

"And God came down from the heavens and He said unto the chicken 'Thou shall cross the road'. And the chicken did, and there was much rejoicing" -Moses

"To go where no chicken has gone before" -Neil Armstrong

"We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. Its either with us or against us, there's no middle ground here" -George W. Bush

"Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes the chicken crossed the road. But why it crossed, I've not been told" -Dr. Seuss

"In my day, we didn't as why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us the chicken crossed the road and that was good enough for us" -Grandpa

"Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask 'What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyways?'" -Jerry Seinfeld

"The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road" -Richard Nixon

"This was an unprevoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it" -Saddam Hussein

"I missed one?" -Colonel Sanders

A white man enters a bar and sees a black man sitting on a stool. The white man says, "Colored people are not allowed here."

The black man turned around and stood up.

He then said: "Listen sir...when I was born I was BLACK. When I grew up I was BLACK. When I'm sick I'm BLACK. When I go in the sun I'm BLACK. When I'm cold I'm BLACK. When I die I'll be BLACK. But you sir, when you're born you're PINK. When you grow up you're WHITE. When you're sick, you're GREEN. When you go in the sun you turn RED. When you're cold you turn BLUE. And when you die you turn PURPLE. And you have the nerve to call me colored?"

The black man then sat back down and the white man walked away... Post this on your profile if you hate racism!

Teen Commandments

1. Thou shall not sneak out when parents are sleeping.
(why wait that long)

2. Thou shall not do drugs.
(alcohol lasts longer, not to mention being cheaper.)

3. Thou shall not steal from K-Mart.
(Wal-Mart has a bigger selection)

4. Thou shall not be arrested for vandalism.
(destruction has a bigger effect, I can tell you all about this)

5. Thou shall not steal from your parents.
(everyone knows grandma has more money)

6. Thou shall not get into fights.
(Cat fight anyhow...just start them.)

7. Thou shall not skip class.
(just take the whole day off)

8. Thou shall not wear revealing clothes in class.
(Hooters pays more)

9. Thou shall not think about having sex.
(like Nike says, "just do it")

10. Thou shall not help old ladies across the street.
(just leave 'em in the middle)

Sayings People Need For Every Day Life To Cheer Themselves Up

I did not slap you. I simply high fived your face.
You're a great friend but if the zombies chase us, I'm tripping you.
Don't drink water. The fishies have sex in it.
Someone told me it's illegal to kill someone because they piss you off...Crap.
Sometimes I pretend to be normal, but it gets boring so I go back to being me.
Never do anything you wouldn't want to explain to the paremedics!
Be the fruit loop in the world of cheerios.
If you don't stand behind our troops, feel free to stand in front of them!
Achoo! Sorry, I'm allergic to bullshit.
Don't worry what people think. They don't do it very often.
No one is perfect until you fall in love with them.
If we really learned from our mistakes I'd be a fuckin' genius by now.
Of course I'm gonna drive! I'm too drunk to walk.
It's called investigating, not stalking.
Be who you want to be, not what others want to see.
A broken heart is like a broken mirror. It's better to leave it broke than hurt yourself trying to fix it.
Not only do I fall down stairs; I trip up them as well. Now that takes talent!
Hand over the chocolate and no one dies.
I didn't fall for you; you tripped me.
Note to self: It is illegal to stab people for being stupid.
Watch out, I haven't had my coffee yet.
Side by side or miles apart, friends are forever, close to your heart.
Don't follow in my footsteps; I run into walls.
If you don't have anything nice to say then you must be talking about yourself bitch.
Shut up voices..or I'll poke you with a Q-tip again.
OMG! OMG! OMG!...Wait, I forgot.
Normal people worry me.
If you want to taste the rainbow, eat some crayons.
Are you kidding? I didn't high-five your face! I slapped it bitch!
Moo, I'm a spider.
Never argue with an idiot, They'll drag you down to their level and beat your ass with experience.
Shh!...I'm hiding from the stupid people.
I'm gonna be an astronaut and travel to the sun. Don't worry I've got sunscreen.
Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.
Of course I'm out of my mind. It's dark and scary in there!
Eat right, excercise, die anyways.
Therapist=The/rapist...scary thought.
I was going to take over the world, but I got distracted by something shiny.
If 2 wrongs don't make a right, try 3.
Whose idea was it for lisp to have an 's' in it?
I see regular people!
If you had a life you would stop talkin about mine.
She was lookin for love. He was lookin for fun. It's true, boys and mascara always run.
Real Americans don't need a hyphen.
You should just put a condom on your head because if you're going to act like a dick, you might as well dress like one!
I love walking in the rain because no one can tell I'm crying.
Why are there no fat stickmen?
Love me or hate me,(either way you're thinking of me)
Move on,it's just a chpter of your past. But don't close the book. just turn the page.
I'm only nice because to you because the doctor is making me take these happy pills.
PETA=People Eating Tasty Animals
Don't make me go all crzy white girl on you!
Giving up doesn't always mean you are weak. Sometimes it just means you're strong enough to let go.
Isn't it funny how by drawing a little symbol you can scare the shit out of people?
You call me bitch like you thin it's true, I'm sorry slut, I'm just not you.
I'm trippin? Guess I should tie up my shoes.
Any one who insults Joe,Nick or Kevin WILL DIE!! Do you hear me Selena?Miley?
It was once said 'A black man will be president when pigs fly' A hundred days in office, SWINE FLU!!
Here's to the future cuz I'm done with the past.
Hahahaha! I'm running with sciss-OW! My eye!
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
If he's dumb enough to walk away, be smart enough to let him go.
If you don't like my driving stay off the sidewalks.
People change,things go wrong;shit happens, but life goes on.
I don't miss you(I miss the person I thought you were)
True friends are never apart; maybe in distance, but not in heart.
Sometimes you make me so mad I want to throw you in front of a speeding car but I would probably kill myself trying to save you.
Hell was full so guess what? I'm back.
Welcome to Walmart. Get your shit and get the fuck out.
I'm not short I'm...screw it I'm short.
And she's scared to let anyone close because everyone who said "I love you..I'll be there."...Left
I'm a freak. What else is new?=)
When life give you lemons, squeeze it in someone's eye.
Please don't interrupt me when I'm talking to myself.
I'm the person who gets hit by parked cars.

You know you're obssesed with Anime when...

1. You own a shiny metal object of doom.

2. You and your friends have anime nicknames.

3. You know your favorite character’s birthday; favorite color food and animal, blood type, and you cant even remember your sibling’s birthday.

4. You are in multiple anime fan clubs (or own some!).

5. You almost die if you miss an episode of your favorite anime, or cant buy the newest manga.

6. Your friend shows you their manga collection and you drool all over there carpet.

7. You have dressed up as you favorite character on Halloween, or just for fun!

8. You have a picture of your favorite character in your wallet or purse.

9. You prefer guys with long silver hair and swords.

10. You write a story about your favorite character for English class.

11. You have pictures of anime all over you walls.

12. You have a dream in Japanese and you don’t even understand it.

13. You want to learn Japanese for no apparent reason, even though you have never been to Japan and probably never will.

14. Your knowledge of Japanese only extends to "hello" and "I will kill you".

15. You begin to learn Japanese through watching subs.

16. You use Japanese when in a conversation with any random person, and don’t realize you did until you see them looking at you funny.

17.You can't speak Japanese, can't understand Japanese yet you can sing along to the theme song of every anime movie you own.

18. You accidentally call a very unintelligent person Kuwabara by mistake.

19. You where a pink jewel around your neck and call it the shikon jewel.

20. You waist countless amounts of hair gel trying to that "goku" look.

21. (If you speak English) when English becomes your second language.

22. You name (or plan to name) your children after anime characters.

23. You buy shuriken or kunai.

24. You speak in subtitles.

25. You prefer anime over real life.

26. You begin to think that blue or pink is a natural hair color.

27. You continually buy and eat ramen, even if you don’t like it that much.

28. You suddenly decide to study a random martial art.

29. You cosplay daily.

30. When you get a crush on an anime character.

Kiss on the stomach--"lets have sex"
Kiss on the Forehead --"Forever you will be mine"
Kiss on the Ear --"I'm horny"
Kiss on the Cheek --"We're friends"
Kiss on the Hand --"I adore you"
Kiss on the Neck --"We belong together"
Kiss on the Shoulder --"I want you"
Kiss on the Lips --"I love you" OR "I want you"
Holding Hands --"We can learn to love each other"
Slap on the Butt --"That's mine"
Playing with the Ear --"I can't live without you"
Holding on tight --"Don't let go"
Looking into each other's Eyes --"Don't leave me"
Playing with Hair on Head --"Tell me you love me"
Arms around the Waist --"I love you too much to let go"
Laughing while Kissing --"I am completely comfortable with you"

Sweetest Thing:

When she walks away from you, mad
follow her

When she stares at your mouth
kiss her

When she pushes you or hit's you
Grab her and don't let go

When she starts cussing at you
Kiss her and tell her you love her

When she's quiet
ask her what’s wrong

When she ignores you
give her your attention

When she pulls away
pull her back

When you see her at her worst
tell her she's beautiful

When you see her start crying
Just hold her and don't say a word

When you see her walking
Sneak up and hug her waist from behind

When she's scared
protect her

When she lays her head on your shoulder
Tilt her head up and kiss her

When she steals your favourite hat
let her keep it and sleep with it for a night

When she teases you
Tease her back and make her laugh

When she doesn't answer for a long time
reassure her that everything is okay

When she looks at you with doubt
back yourself up

When she says that she likes you
she really does more than you could understand

When she grabs at your hands
Hold hers and play with her fingers

When she bumps into you
bump into her back and make her laugh

When she tells you a secret
keep it safe and untold

When she looks at you in your eyes
don't look away until she does

When she misses you
she's hurting inside

When you break her heart
the pain never really goes away

When she says it’s over
she still wants you to be hers

When she reposts this bulletin
she wants you to read it

In Honor of Stupid People

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed to stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(Shoot, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special)?

On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap,"
(and that would be how??...)

On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought??...)

On packaging for a Rowena iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me more time)?

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(and...I'm taking this because??...)

On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to...what)?

On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious)

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: maybe, ooh...fly Delta?)

On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my ..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity. Copy and paste this into your profile.

..:Xx0o0xX:..

As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy.

Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by " v".

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst place...

..:Xx0o0xX:..

Things that can piss you off

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time... I know where my watch is pal, where the heck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the heck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? They need their Ass Kicked!

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid 12 to come to the cinema and stare at the floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?"... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short". What?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

10. When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going? You should know asshole, you fucking pulled me over.

11. When people ask "Can I BORROW a piece of paper?" Sure, but please don't return the favor! It's on god damn piece of paper

..:Xx0o0xX:..

6 reasons not to mess with children:

Reason 1:

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him ".

Reason 2:

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

Reason 3:

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds

After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

Reason 4:

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."

Reason 5:

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.

Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

Reason 6:

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.

At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.

The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

"The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

..:Xx0o0xX:..

A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Mom." With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Mom: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with Ahmed and he is so nice-even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Ahmed taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Ahmed can get better; he sure deserves it!! Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grand children.

Your daughter, Judith

PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

Copy and paste this in your profile if you think that some times we take things for granted

Quotes:

"I'm not crazy. I'm psychotic. There's a difference."

"There's nothing that can't be fixed with: duct tape, chocolate, or by running it over."

"My attention span is just short enough to annoy you and ignore you all at the same time."

"Dream as if you’ll live forever… Live as if you die today."

"Don't get mad; get sadistic."

"Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?"

"Common sense is the enemy of comedy."

"Sarcasm isn't an attitude, it's an ART."

"My goal in life is to be as good a person as my dog thinks I am."

"Knowledge is power; power is the root of all-evil. Therefore studying is evil."

"I don't suffer from insanity... I enjoy every minute of it!"

"You know what?! Earth sucks, I’m going home."

"Only two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity."

"If you laugh I will laugh. If you cry I will cry and if you jump out a window...I will laugh."

"your a great friend but if the zombies come I'm tripping you."

"Why don't you slip into something more comfortable; like a coma?"

"What is this 'kindness' you speak of?"

"Just when I think you've said the stupidest thing ever, you keep on talking."

"Define 'normal'."

“Do you love me because I am beautiful? Or am I beautiful because you love me?"

“They say "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." Well I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill to many people.”

"Nobody move! I dropped me brain." - Jack Sparrow from Pirates of the Carribean

Randomness Begin Here!

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Electronics to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone,
" 'Code 3' in housewares"... and see what happens.

5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask,
"Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. Look right into the security camera & use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti - depressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through,
say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream..
"NO! NO! It's those voices again!"

15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while and then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!

16. Get several bouncy balls and throw them down an aisle shouting "pikachu, I choose you!"

Repost this if you laughed...
Or are planning to do any of these things

Quotes

Officer, I swear to drunk I'm not God!

I smile because I have no idea what's going on!

Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.

Walk a mile in someone's shoes, that way when you judge them you're a mile away in their shoes.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

If you can't convince them, confuse them.

Education is important; school however, is another matter.

Evening News is where they begin with "Good Evening" then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried

I apologize, do you want me to mean it too?

I'm the kind of person who laughs at a joke three times. Once when it's said, once when it's explained to me, once five minutes later when I finally get it.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

A positive attitude annoys the people who try to put you down - use it.

Bite off more than you can chew, then chew it.

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

You laugh now because you're older than me by mere months, but when you're 30 and I'm still 29, who will be laughing then?

When you get caught looking at him, just remember, he was looking back

I'm the kind of girl who will burst our laughing in the middle of a dead silence because of something that happened yesterday.

Life isn't measure by the amount of breaths we take, but the moments that take our breath away.

It takes 42 muscles to frown, 28 to smile and only 4 to reach out and slap someone.

Definition of homework: Some form of crude mind control still used in some criminal areas.

Paper may beat rock, but cannon ball make big hole in paper.

The pen may be mightier than the sword, but my keyboard can crush your crummy pen.

Just 'cuz I'm standin' here doesn't mean I'm listening

Death is life’s way of saying you’ve been fired

I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public

Everyday I think people can't get any stupider. Everyday I'm proven horribly wrong

If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?

When someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles to frown, but it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and whack them on the head.

I get plenty of exercise: jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.

Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

If you don't laugh at yourself, I'll be glad to do it for you.

People like you are the reason why we have middle fingers.

If your heart was really broken you'd be dead, so shut up.

We’re not lost. I’m just not quite sure where we are.

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember: Amateurs built the ark, Professionals built the Titanic.

Come closer so I can slap you

"When in doubt, look intelligent." -Garrison Keillor

There is no "I" in team but the is an "I" in PIE and there is an "I" in MEATPIE and MEAT is an anagram of TEAM...

Smile. It makes the world wonder what you're up to.

Normality will be restored as soon as we figure out what it is.

They say guns don't kill people. People kill people. Well, I think guns help. I mean, if you just stood there and yelled, "BANG!" I don't think you'd kill many people. (

The trouble with real life is that there is no background music

Forecast for tonight: darkness

If you try to fail and succeed, which one did you do?

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

If everything seems to be going well, you obviously overlooked something

There is a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line

I'm not random. I just have many thoughts

If you had a life you would stop talking about mine

We're not retreating! We're advancing in a different direction!

Just when I think you've said the stupidest thing ever, you keep on talking

Wanna know how to keep an idiot busy? Take him into a round room and tell him to sit in a corner.

In a world of cheerios, be a frootloop!

There is no great genius without a mixture of madness

PMS: Every woman's legal right to be a bitch.

My imaginary friend thinks you have serious problems

If aliens are looking for intelligent life, why the hell are you scared?!

I know KUNG-FU and 42 other dangerous words

I ran into my ex today. Then I put it in reverse and hit him again.

I burst laughing out in class today...I got that joke you told yesterday

Have you considered suing your brain for non-support?

Sometimes all we need are each other

One night, I looked up into the sky. I began counting the reasons why I love you. I was doing great until I ran out of stars.

When they laugh, we'll laugh along too. Because we know better. We know.

Am I pissing you off-fa-fa?

If I promise not to kill you... can I have a hug?

I love this RETARD I call my BEST FRIEND!

I didn't hit you... I simply high-fived your face!

If I had half a mind...I would still be smarter than you!!

All people have the right to stupidity but some people abuse the privilege.

In order to lose your mind, you have to have one in the first place.

Light travels faster than sound. That is why...some people seem bright until you hear them speak.

You have the right to remain silent, anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.

An optimist is someone who falls off the empire state building and after 50 floors says "So far so good!"

Chaos, panic, pandemonium, my work here is done.

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three

MURPHY'S LESSER-KNOWN LAWS:

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

3. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

4. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

5. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

6. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90 probability you'll get it wrong.

7. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

8. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

9. The things that come to those who wait, will be the things left by those who got there first.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

11. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

12. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

13. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

14. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.