97% of girls would die if Justin Beiber said breathing wasn't cool. Repost this if you're the 3 percent of the girls or a boy (which I am) that would laugh at all the people choking themselves to death

95% of teens would scream and cry if Justin Beiber was about to jump off a building. Repost if you're the 5% that would be sitting on the lawn shouting "Do a flip!" and eating popcorn and drinking coke

ACTUAL PRODUCT LABELS:

On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (...)

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap. (explain?)

On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (thats right- only a suggestion)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down. (Too late! you lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating. (Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body. (But wouldn't that save more time?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery. (Never saw a kid drive a car.)

On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness. (Uh-huh)

Relax. Nothing is ok.

On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning: keep out of children. (Someone needs to work on translation)

On a string of Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only. (As oppossed to... outer space?)

On a food processor: Not to be used for the other use. (Now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts. (but no peas?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts. (somebody got paid big bucks to write this one... screw this. See you at Delta Airlines)

On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands. (Raise your hand if you've tried this.)

On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly. (You just ruined the dreams of thousands of kids. Great job)

Relax. Nothing is ok.

We're not retreating! We're advancing in a different direction!

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens

A good lawyer knows the law; a clever one takes the judge to lunch.

If things get any worse, I’ll have to ask you to stop helping me.

The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase.

If it’s sent by ship then it’s a cargo, if it’s sent by road then it’s a shipment.

Thank you Facebook, I can now farm without going outside, cook without being in my kitchen, feed fish I don’t have & waste an entire day without having a life.

"To be is to do" Socrates, "To do is to be" Sartre, "Do be do be do." Sinatra.

Out of my mind. Be back in five minutes.

If you try to fail and succeed, which one did you do?

"The below statement is true

The above statement is false"

Wanna know how to keep an idiot busy? Take him into a round room and tell him to sit in a corner.

You, you, and you panic. The rest of you follow me.

Lately the only thing keeping me from becoming a serial killer is my dislike for manual labor.

I'm mature and you're not. Nah nah nah nah nah nah!

Last night I lay in my bed looking up at the stars and thought to myself, WHERE THE HELL IS MY CEILING!?