Ahem.

Dear Authors (who are never going to read this) who bitch about reviews,

Go fuck yourselves.

Seriously.

When I'm reading a story, I read everything on the page. Disclaimer, Author's Notes, et cetera and so on. If they put it out for consumption, I feel I'll be polite and read through it. Hell, sometimes they're insightful or witty or what have you. You have an opinion/message you want to get out to the general masses, you want to ramble, something. Right on, I can get that.

What I can't get is page after bloody page of incessant whining about reviews. Boohoo, someone flamed me now i r sad and will stop writing now so that I may sit in a corner, sulk and grow mushrooms. Boohoo, i has nu reveewz, i begz j00, say something, anything, even if it's only a general smiley, any sort of affirmation that you're out there.

I'm so alone.

/wrist

Or, my personal favorites, the ones that threaten chapters being withheld or story discontinuation if they don't get X amount of reviews in Y amount of time.

Wow.

Congratulations, you have just won the Internets.

Take your prize and fuck off.

We don't want you here.

You people seem to forget one little thing about writing a story: You write for yourselves. You write because you like the universe, the characters. You write because you got an idea and thought it would be fun to expand on it. You might even put it up in the public domain, in hopes that other people will find your work as entertaining as you did.

You don't write a story because you think people will like it. You don't release it to the public in hopes of being lavished with praise. You write because you like it. You release it because it's fun to have other people read something that you created. If they like it: neat-o. If they don't: everyone has their own opinions. If they choose to respond to it: good for them. They felt your work was good enough to take time out of their day - on top of the time they've already taken to actually READ your drivel you ungrateful bastards - to write a message to you. Conversely, they found it so earth-shatteringly bad that they felt compelled to let you know just how horrible your stories - and by extension you - actually are.

Or, they're just trolls out to get a rise from you.

Ignoring that last one, you should feel honored that anyone read your work at all. They didn't have to. They chose to. Be fucking happy they did even that.

What do you lose if they don't actually leave reviews? Does it sap your creativity? Does it somehow change the amount of people who've read your story? That little counter that says "people who were kind enough to read my shit (a.k.a. Views)" means absolutely nothing, even if it's in the hundreds of thousands, if the counter reading "incredibly kind/insightful/indignant/angry/douchey people (a.k.a. Reviews)" shows a whopping 1? Or, -deity of your choice here- forbid, 0!? Are you less of a writer for it? Do you enjoy your story any less?

Does your daddy not hug you anymore?

I know this is coming off as a rage-a-hol fueled rant, and it is. I'm tired of having to wait for chapters of good stories/good stories being discontinued/reading people crying just because your stingy ass didn't get enough positive reinforcement as a child.

You wrote the story because you wanted to.

Stop if you don't want to write anymore.

Not because you're having an emo moment.

So, suck it up, suck it in, puff out your chest, stiffen that upper lip - in short - man up you goddamn pansies and stop turning a respectable trade into a fucking bitchfest!

Did Poe stop when no one read his work? When no one commented on it? When people hated it? Told him he wasn't good enough?

Did any respectable writer?

No.

Because they were better than that.

We. Are. Better. Than. That.

You're being shown up by dead men! With silly names!

Think on that one when you try to sleep at night.

Love,

Johnny

Dear Authors of Naruto fiction that insist upon rehashing the Wave arc,

Learn some goddamn anatomy.

Most people generally get the '8 points that make you dead if I make stabby-stab there' somewhat right. Lungs, liver, kidneys, brain, heart, spinal chord. It's the other two that burn my ass. These two are commonly referred to as the 'clavicle vein' and the 'neck/jugular vein.'

Really?

Really?!

The words you're looking for here, folks, are 'subclavian artery' and 'carotid artery.' These are two of the major blood pathways in the body that, if cut, usually lead to fatal hemorrhaging if not treated immediately.

That roughly translates to 'you bleed alot until you die.'

The carotid is located in the neck, and the subclavian is located below the collar bone and is reached quite conveniently via the armpit. The carotid provides blood flow to the brain, the subclavian to the arms.

I'm not sure why Zabuza chooses these two, as if his huge ass sword catches you in either you're probably going to find yourself with not just a severed artery, but either your head or a limb along with it.

For that matter, why is kidneys on the list? They're not immediately fatal if you get stabbed there, and even if one is completely ruined you can survive with just the other (although your drinking days are over). The femoral artery (located in the thigh) would be a much better choice, as getting nicked there is almost always fatal.

Anyway, that's my two cents worth of ranting for the day.

Love,

Johnny

Dear Authors of m-preg fiction,

BLARGLEFLAGH!!

No! Fuck your stupid explanations, fuck your bullshit science or magic or what the fuck ever. Men can not has the ass babies. Ever.

Unless you're Arnold (fucking) Schwarzenegger.

And you're not, are you?

Love,

Johnny

Hmmm... Lessee here, need a new rant...

Dear Authors of harem fiction,

When writing a story based upon one character having multiple emotional attachments/relationships, for the love of shit, be realistic about it. In life, there has never been a situation where: Boy/Girl meets Girls/Boys 1, B, Threeve, Q, Dorginadoob and Bob; Girls/Boys 1, B, Threeve, Q, Dorginadoob and Bob instantly fall hopelessly in love with Boy/Girl; Girls/Boys 1, B, Threeve, Q, Dorginadoob and Bob come to the realization that they are all in love with the same person, whilst Boy/Girl admits to each of them that he/she loves them all in a unique and special way; Girls/Boys 1, B, Threeve, Q, Dorginadoob and Bob all immediately decide to share Boy/Girl, and sex is had.

That. Never. Fucking. Happens.

Unless money is involved... Or drugs... Or alcohol... Or college... Or copious amounts of retardation.

That situation almost always turns Pro Tagonist/Hero In into a giant manwhore/regularwhore, and cheapens the character as well as the story. Not to mention the submissives in this glorious orgy of idiocy are made out to be over emotional (and functionally retarded) stooges.

If you wanna write it, go for it. It's your story/idea, and far be it from me to tell you what to and not to do.

'Cept m-preg. See above.

But, seriously, folks. Atleast make it believable.

Please?

Love,

Johnny

Dear Authors/Hipsters (you know who you are),

Stop putting the goddamn 100 Laws of Anime in your profiles.

We get it, some funny person (who was not you) decided to put into words the rules and regulations regarding the ridiculousness (way too many 'r's there...) of anime. Hardy-fucking-har-har. The list was mildly amusing when it came out, but the endless copy/pasting into user profiles has killed any and all funny the list once had.

And then beaten and raped its' corpse.

Not only have you jackasses succeeded in violently killing/violating the funny, it's also damn annoying to have to scroll and scroll and scroll past the long-ass thing to get to your list of works/favorites. If you want to look funny for the masses, do it on your own.

And be short about it!

Hypocritically,

Johnny

Dear Authors of any type of fiction ever,

Stop using rape as a plot device.

Rape, tragic as it may seem, has become a convenience for writers. It's an easy way to give your character emotional depth, trauma/fears to overcome, etc. It's also an easy way to shock the reader.

Or it would be if it weren't an overused cop-out. Rape is being used like fucking Spackle™ to fill in plot/character-development holes, and it's getting old. There are other ways to flesh out your character(s) than having them needlessly stripped of their innocence - usually (for some odd/pedophilic reason) when they are still children.

It's tired. It's cheap. It's lazy. It's demeaning - to the character, the author and the reader.

Congratulations, various fanfiction authors. Thanks to you, I'm now desensitized to one of the most horrible acts man can commit.

I hope you're happy with yourselves.

Love (not in a bad touch way),

Johnny

Dear Authors who use center alignment when writing stories,

Stop.

It is distracting. It is annoying. It is useless.

Here's a little tidbit you might not know: English, that language you're writing in? Yeah, that one. Now, this is probably going to violently throw off your world view, but here it is... English is written and read from left to right.

I'll give you a moment to let that sink in.

Good? You okay? No? Too bad, we're moving on.

Now, seeing as we are taught our entire lives to read written english that way (left-to-right, just reminding you), it only makes sense to write in a fashion that your audience will be comfortable reading. A mass of free-floating text in the middle of the page is not comfortable.

For me.

But, then, it's my rant, isn't it?

Love,

Johnny

Dear Authors of various AU vampire fictions,

... Zuh?

Okay, um... I'm trying to... No. I can't. It makes no sense. If one or two people made vampire universes, it wouldn't really be disconcerting, but... But they're everywhere! Jesus tap-dancin' Christ, people! I really do hate to be the one to break this to you (lie), but Twilight sucks. Alot. Vampires are not as interesting and angsty and sexy as you people seem to like to think they are. I mean, really. Almost every vampire AU I've stumbled across has just been an excuse to throw some bloodplay into a (poorly written) yaoi fic. Is that what Vampires, the mythological lords/ladies of the night, the badass mothers that hunt and kill people for FUN, have been reduced to? A gimmick for boy-fucking!?

BLARGH!

All of you, stop. Go read Bram Stoker's Dracula. Hell, go watch/read Hellsing. If Alucard can't get you off of your pansy vampire kick, then no one can.

Actually, I take that back. Knowing how you people tend to twist things to your own, oddly-centered-around-homosexual-men world view, there'll be a rash of Alucard/Anderson/Walter/The Captain/Maxwell slash fiction. Or poorly written Alucard allegories are going to start popping up all over the goddamn place.

You can't hear it, but I'm sighing tiredly right now.

I blame Anne Rice.

Exasperatedly,

Johnny

Dear (English-speaking/writing) Authors who write their story titles in kanji,

... Stop.

Now.

You know those really, really obsessive manga/anime nerds? The ones who dream of living in Japan, have crazy 70's-esque hair (usually multicolored), speak half-English/half-Japanese sentences, eat pocky all damn day, religiously listen/sing-along to various forms of Japanese music, know more about Japanese culture/history than your average Asian, and are generally fucking creepy and annoying? The ones who, were life still a playground, your parents wouldn't allow you to play with?

Yeah.

You're acting like them. So stop it.

Disappointed in you,

Johnny

Dear (those-who-fancy-themselves) Authors,

Learn how to write.

I'm... I... Argh! My brain! I get that not everyone in the world is a goddamn novelist, but... Really? Capitalization, punctuation, grammar, sentence structure, missing words! Where the fucking hell were you lot in elementary? Do you talk like that? Have you ever read a book written that horribly? Have you ever read a book period?

It's not hard. It's not brain surgery. It's not rocket science. It's not science at all, actually, it's common bloody sense. To those of us who grew up/are growing up in the States, you have been forced/are being forced to take a little class called 'English' every. Fucking. Year. Of. Your. School. Career.

Literally. Every year. From age 6 to 18 (roughly) you are made to practice the written word. No one asks you to be perfect. No one expects some error free masterwork every time you write/type something. We do, however, expect something that doesn't look like a goddamn monkey shit a bunch of words into his palm and chucked it at the page. It's embarrassing. I feel bad for reading it. It makes me think that somewhere out there there's this giant colony full of maladjusted sods who've never been given proper schooling plugging away at their latest (brilliant) yaoi fiction.

Did you read that? You make me imagine a destitute third world country with your writing. That is horrible. You should feel horrible.

Like you as a friend I might loan money to,

Johnny

Dear (those-who-fancy-themselves) Authors (cont.),

You make Baby Jesus cry with your terrible, terrible grammar.

I'm just going to use one example here, try to edjumakate some a y'all folk that I see making this mistake ALL THE GODDAMN TIME.

Ahem.

It is a single word: Happen.

A happening is an occurrence. If you see the word happen or any variation thereof, it generally means that shit has gone or will go down at one point or another. Most (hopefully all) of you already knew this.

Correct usage of the word 'happen':

"Did something happen?" Please note that, while it lacks the traditional -ed, this form of happen is in the past tense.

"What's happening?" This one is in present tense, and is used to refer to something that is actively going on.

"It all happened so fast." Much like example #1, this is past tense, with traditional -ed in place.

"What's going to happen?" This one is being used to refer to a future event. Again, like example A, it lacks the -ed, yet now has a different meaning.

Scary.

Incorrect usage of the word 'happen':

"He didn't know what happen." Now, this is where some you all may get confused, and despite my raging I don't blame you all too much (lie). English is a complex language, after all, what with its' fearsome twenty-six letter alphabet and those damnable homophones, but I digress. Even though in the set of correct examples it was shown that 'happen' can be used in the past tense, using it in this context is wrong. The correct way to say that would be: "He didn't know what happened."

Ask a language arts teacher/professor if you want to know why, just know that it is.

I won't bother with other examples, as that's really the key one that I KEEP GODDAMN SEEING!

Roar.

Wondering why I bother,

Johnny

Dear (those-who-fancy-themselves) Authors (part 3),

I have nothing witty to say. I am beyond the capacity for sarcastic thought. I'm too disappointed to be funny. This will just be another grammar lesson.

To, too, two. Three words with completely different meanings that are pronounced the same way.

I know one or two of you just shat yourselves in horror. Fear not, dear old (not creepy) Uncle Johnny will hammer our the scary words for you.

To can be many, many things. A preposition, a particle... Well, really, that's about it. Still enough to confuse the fuck out of people, though. To is used before uninflected verbs. "I want to sit." "He started to run." Things like that. It can pertain to direction. "We went to the store." "I want to go to Montana (I hear the sheep are lovely)." It can indicate results. "He drank himself to death." I'm done with examples. It's to, for fucks' sake. YOU KNOW WHAT TO IS, GOD DAMN IT!

I apologize for that (lie).

Too is the tag-along word. It means 'in addition to.' "Me, too!" It can also mean the same as 'very.' "That's too cool!"

Two... Goddamn it, people, really? Two is a number. The second number. The one immediately following one. It is indicative of pairs. Duos. Duels. Duets. Things that only involve two things.

2!

There, their, they're.

There is a place. I do not know where there is, but it is over there. It is a location. It deals with physical space. Not people.

Their pertains to possession. Something that belongs to more than one person. "The ball is theirs." "The children have been sent to their rooms." It is also used to describe someone when the whole he/she thing is unknown. "Lay the victim on their back, check for a pulse, mercilessly beat them about the head and face with a lead pipe until help arrives."

They're is a contraction. It is a combination of the words 'they' and 'are.' "They're over there, taking what's theirs."

Here, hear.

Here, like there, is about location. Here, in particular, describes the place you currently occupy.

Hear is about sound. When you hear something, it means the vibrations that make up that sound have entered your ear.

"Word's like 'you heard that?'"

"Heard what?"

"Oh, shit."

(The above example belongs to Jeff Dunham. Don't sue.)

I'm probably missing something, but... I don't care anymore. My blinding rage has fizzled out and left a sort of 'fuck it' in its' wake.

Goddammit,

Johnny

Dear Authors of Naruto fiction where shit gets real,

By 'shit gets real,' I am referring to the numerous and varied fics wherein young Naruto is mercilessly beaten, tortured, raped, burned alive, et cetera and so on.

Yeah... Wha?

Now, don't think I don't get the process, 'cause I do. Really. In some stories it actually makes sense, the authors wanting to make the fic or Naruto himself darker, in others... I guess we have some child abuse fetishists out there.

Who knew?

Really, the main problem I have with this is that in most cases it's just gratuitous violence that serves no purpose to the story. You just threw it in there because... Fuck it, right? Naruto is still the same old Naruto, there's no attempt to understand his psyche, the years of abuse and neglect are never really reflected on. His life was hellish and so what?

While the above was my main problem, my BIGGEST problem is that despite the many creative tortures he's put through, they pale in comparison to his treatment in the manga.

How's he treated in the manga, you ask?

Simple: He is ignored.

"Surely thou jests!" Some of you may be crying out. How is it possible that simply being ignored is worse than being gutted, bum-fucked and set alight all in one day?

Again, the answer is simple (if you have a relative understanding of psychology): Humans are social animals. We NEED other people to survive. We shape ourselves through interactions with others, we adjust to the world at large by following examples set by society. Everything you are, everything you will ever be, is a direct result of someone else simply talking to you.

There is a reason that 'solitary confinement' is a punishment - one of the most severe. Without other people, we go insane. Literally. Our minds wither without foreign stimuli. If you lock a well adjusted adult in a room consisting of four white walls and a chair and leave him there for a day, chances are good you'll open the door to find him sobbing on the floor. Simple interaction is that important.

Now, imagine that from the time you were born, society as a whole deemed you anathema (poison). No one spoke to you, no one acknowledged you, when you walked into a room people pretended you weren't there. You are an island, completely and utterly alone even in a sea of people. Everything you know about the world you've taught yourself. You can't properly interact with people because you don't know how. You have no grasp of how society works because you've never experienced it. The (in)actions of those around have rendered you barely human.

That's why I can forgive Naruto's foolish personality. It's not his fault. Hell, the fact that he isn't roll-your-shit-into-little-balls-and-eat-crayons insane is miraculous in itself.

I'd rather be tortured than alone.

Atleast then I'd know they knew I existed.

Yours,

Johnny

Dear Authors who bitch about reviews (part deux),

Okay, this shit is just getting sad/irritating/ridiculous. I mean, come on. There's always some giant Author's Note before or after the chapter that's just a whiny bitchfest over reviews. It's childish and annoying and holy fuck you need to stop.

Before you get all pissy with me and start shouting indignantly in my general direction, think of this: When is the last time you wrote a review of a book you've read? Be it letter or email, when is the last time you sent a direct-contact review to a novelist? Go on, think hard. I'll wait.

Now, very many of you have probably not spent the last few seconds scratching your chins in deep thought because you know right off hand that you have NEVER DONE IT. Ever. Period. The law of averages states, however, that atleast one of you will have done this and can look on in smug satisfaction while I continue to make an ass out of myself in your eyes. To you people, I ask this: When is the last you wrote a FUCKING CHAPTER BY CHAPTER review of a book you've read?

That's what I thought.

"But wait!" You cry, trying desperately to save face. "Writing novels and fan-fiction is different! I've got shit I could've been doing instead of writing! Why should I bother reviewing when he/she/it writes for a living!"

It's not different. The process is still the same. They had an idea, took the time out of their lives to write it, and gave it to you in hopes of making you happy for a short while.

They also had to find a publisher, meet deadlines, deal with editors and stake their livelihoods on what they've written, again all in hopes of simply entertaining someone.

I hope you feel bad now,

Johnny

Dear Authors of fiction with romantic bits,

Have none of you ever been in a relationship?

I don't mean that in the derogatory 'you're-on-the-intertubes-so-you're-a-nerd-so-you're-romantically-inexperienced' way. I mean that in the derogatory 'you're-getting-over-enthusiastic/sappy-and-are-irritating-me' way.

I won't bother talking about the lead ups to a relationship. That's just a whole can of worms I'd rather not open (hint: that's bad). I instead am talking about the interplay after the relationship has been established.

To be even more specific: Pet names.

Every five goddamn seconds (maybe less, I read fast) it's one calling the other 'love' or 'hun' or 'dear' or some other stupid nonsensical term. I get it, it's a term of endearment, it's sweet and romantic and shows general lovey-dovey-ness. It also makes the one saying said things sound retarded when used too often.

As a once-in-a-while thing, it's perfectly acceptable. Shit, make it once per chapter if you're that hard up, but can we get some moderation up in this bitch? Jebus. If I call my significant other a pet name that bloody often it's because I'm being sarcastic. Or having a brain hemorrhage.

Possibly bleeding internally,

Johnny

Dear Staff of FanFiction.net,

Please imagine me slapping you violently inbetween the words of the following rant:

Let (smack) me (smack) sort (smack) stories (smack) in (smack) community (smack) listings (smack) by (smack) something (smack) other (smack) than (smack) date! (smack)

Lovingly,

Johnny

Dear Authors of Naruto Yaoi fiction,

Now, I bet you're all thinking this is gonna be some anti-boyfucking rant. Well, surprise surprise, it ain't. This little chat is, in particular, about NarutoXSasuke fiction, and how I believe it is actually a completely logical hypothesis. Allow me to explain:

Facts About Uzumaki Naruto

Fact 1: Uzumaki Naruto, at age twelve, was a social outcast who had been raised predominately by himself.

Fact 2: His most common interactions were with the male gender. In fact, barring Ayame, he had no female influence on his being until the entrance of Tsunade and Shizune later on in the series (Sakura doesn't count).

Fact 3: Given his familiarity with both how to identify a perverse person and what those people were sexually attracted to (see: sexy jutsu), it is safe to say that he had atleast a basic understanding of human sexuality.

Fact 4: Naruto throughout the series develops an intimate relationship with many male characters. His familial affection for the Sandaime and Iruka (and possibly Teuchi), his mentor relationship with Kakashi, Jiraiya and Yamato/Tenzo, and his friendship with Sasuke.

Fact 5: Sasuke was Naruto's first real friend his age. This is hugely important for one simple reason: Naruto made his first true friend in his early teens.

Sasuke not only gains the distinction of being Naruto's first friend, but also his only close friendship in a time when children really first discover sexuality and all the bells and whistles it comes with. Despite his heterosexual tendencies (i.e. his crush on Sakura), it would be very easy for Naruto - who is very socially inexperienced and equally unfamiliar with close personal relationships - to become romantically interested in Sasuke for any number of reasons.

Facts About Uchiha Sasuke

Fact 1: He is socially awkward and emotionally stunted. Likely has attachment and abandonment issues coupled with a massive inferiority complex.

Fact 2: He grew up, like Naruto, predominately around males (his relationship with his mother is never really explored), idolizing/respecting his father and hero worshiping his elder brother. His relationship with females borders on the nightmarish with them all idolizing/stalking him (Sasuke's a smart kid, he knows the difference between petty infatuation and genuine love).

Fact 3: His knowledge of sexuality is based around his parents.

Fact 4: Despite keeping everyone distant, he allows himself to become attached to Naruto.

Sasuke has no clearly defined sexuality in continuity. He may have mentioned restoring his clan at some point, but that doesn't count. He is, if anything, asexual as he doesn't show the slightest bit of interest in anyone that way. The important thing to note is his closeness to Naruto. As evidenced above, given his aloof personality it's both astounding and important that he develops any sort of feelings for Naruto at all, be they of friendship or otherwise. Getting over that hurdle of initial attachment, romantic feelings and love are easy to follow.

There. I've defended you. Now I'm going to be mean:

LEARN HOW TO FUCKING WRITE A PLAUSIBLE GODDAMN ROMANCE YOU BOYFUCKING OBSESSED FANPERSONS! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWR!

Christ on a cracker, people. Do you have any idea how awkward two barely-teenage boys would be if they suddenly found themselves attracted to their best friends? Especially if the two involved were socially isolated/ignorant/repressed? There would be no out-of-the-blue "You esh hawt, we make seckz nao" moment. It would be bumbling, angsty, difficult and confusing.

As stated above, Naruto already knows what a man is supposed to like and having not had a proper upbringing he does as he sees. His observations of others have shown him that as a man he is inclined to lust after women. Sasuke, who lived his formative years with a stern family, also knows that a normal, respectful household is basically a common nuclear family: Father, mother, and 2.5 children. In honor and remembrance of his family, he would probably be doubly hesitant at stepping outside norm as to not offend their memory. Both of them have had ideas of what is normal and socially accepted pounded into their heads, and overcoming that would be hard.

After you've addressed all the series psychological issues that would be involved, THEN you can get to them fucking like rabbits.

Just no m-preg.

Love - in a completely heterosexual, non-gay way-,

Johnny

Well, hello dear readers whom I will momentarily scandalize. It's been awhile, hasn't it? I'm sorry to say that lately there hasn't been much to send me into a blind, rage induced frenzy (gasp), but good news! Something has, inevitably, came along and pissed me off something fierce. You know what that means, don't you kids? That's right! It's time for Uncle Johnny to metaphorically rip someone a new asshole!

Dear Staff of FanFiction.net,

FIX.

YOUR.

GOD.

DAMMED.

WEBSITE.

Sweet I Can't Believe It's Not Jesus, ladies and gentlemen! What on earth are you doing that's making this site shit the bed and die EVERY TWO FUCKING DAYS?! There's routine maintenance and then there's slow, torturous death. Guess which category this mess is falling under?

Look, don't think I don't know/appreciate just what you guys do to keep this site running. I'm not one of those frothing-at-the-mouth crazies who thinks the internet is autonomous and just does the shit we tell it to. You people keep this site alive with your hard work and diligence, and we're all highly thankful for that. Hell, I'd have died of a boredom-induced aneurysm years ago were it not for this very website. Well, that or I may have developed a useful hobby or something... Whatever.

Those pleasantries aside: Get your shit together! My entertainment demands it! MY CONTINUED EXISTENCE HINGES ON IT!

Your friend,

Johnny

Well, it's been awhile, hasn't it? How were the holidays? Good? Broken your new years' resolutions yet? Fantastic.

Moving on.

Dear Authors of harem fiction (again),

You may recall a previous rant (and if you don't, scroll the fuck up and read it) I had on this subject, expressing my displeasure at the quality of harem fiction - or the lack thereof. In it, I made clear that I was not, in fact, calling for an end to all things harem-y.

Well, fuck that noise.

I am asking, nay, demanding that this nonsense be put to an end. You! Yes, you! Don't think I don't see you over there, scowling and resolving not to listen to me! I am, after all, just a random asshole, a minor-league denizen of the intrawubes. Why should You (capital Y), listen to me (lowercase m)?

Because fuck your opinion, that's why!

Harems are becoming more common than Yaoi fiction, people! AND NONE OF THEM ARE WELL WRITTEN! None. Not one. At all.

Ever.

Every last one is almost gut-wrenching in its' horridness. The story will be perfectly fine (lie), conflict is had and relationships are built and expanded upon, and then the author gets a wild hair up his/her/its' ass (or makes people vote. Vote! The Internet is not a democracy, goddammit! It's full of sex-obsessed prepubescent children! The fuck do you think they're going to vote for?) and says 'let there be Harem!' And, without fail, the fic falls into shameless awfulness.

The plot is ditched to make room for the all-encompassing relationship. Old characteristics and relationships are tossed aside to make way for piles upon piles of fuck. Complex characters become nothing but walking semen dispensers/repositories. Previously straight-laced, old-fashioned, even innocent characters suddenly discover their adventurous, unwholesome (and often lesbian) sides and start dry-fucking anything with a hole and a pulse.

I did not come to this site for porn, ladies and gentlemen, scary as the concept may be for you.

There are other, better places for such a thing.

I come here because I love to read and I don't want to have to run to the library every time boredom strikes. I come here because I have been genuinely entertained, even engrossed by some of the fiction I've read. A good story is my drug, and this site usually has a quick fix available.

Unfortunately, the good stories are being drowned in an ocean of mediocrity and twat mist.

So have a a heart, dear Authors, and take pity upon this old soul. Lighten up on the harem fiction.

Belligerent and numerous,

Johnny

Dear Authors (You Know Who You Are),

Why always the insulting your fan-base?

I don't get it. Honestly. What's the point? I've lost count of the snarky, ranty, dickish AN's I've read that do nothing but try to grind the souls of faithful readers to dust for no apparent reason.

Example (Note: Made up, may be paraphrasing someone who was not important enough to remember):

Heya, readers! Been awhile since I've updated, right? I know you've all... Well, most of you have been waiting patiently and eagerly for this here next chapter. To those faithful, I say this: Go fuck yourselves you selfish, insensitive pricks. I've had shit going on and you don't even know. My dog died and my family was in a plane crash and Roman Imperialism collapsed and I got wankers' cramp like you wouldn't believe. I had other, better shit to do than write this chapter and appease you even though I did it anyway. So... Read, Review, keep being awesome, you useless bags of fuck and assmeat.

Cool story, bro.

I mean, really, what's the point of being so standoffish with people you don't even know?

People who like you, even?

Confusedly,

Johnny

Dear Authors (You Know Who You Are (Part B)),

Cut it out with this 'story is better than summary makes it sound' shit.

It just... Gah! How boldly must I type COP OUT for you to understand? I know there's a character limit for the summaries, and I know it's hard to sum up the plot of most stories into a few sentences, but... Big Butter Jesus, people, if your summary makes it sound like shit then guess what? It's probably shit.

If you're having trouble summarizing it, just pull some vague, cryptic shit out of your ass to make it sound interesting. If your summary doesn't catch me, I'm not going to read it. Ever. Period. You saying that the summary was just ineffectual does not make me want to read on and see if you're lying or not.

Which you probably are.

You horrible people you.

Forgot why he tries,

Johnny