I've decided to stick up a few of my favourite qoutes:

“I'm not evil! I'm just decidedly inept at doing nice things…”

"Screw the world! Who needs it anyway? It's not like it does anything!"

"God must love stupid people, he made so many"

"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."

“Some people see the glass as half full. Others see it as half empty. Jack Bauer sees the glass as a deadly weapon.”

“I may not know much, but I know the difference between chicken shit and chicken salad.” - Lyndon B. Johnson

“Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.” - George Burns

“If someone doesn't want to do something, threaten them with immediate death.” - My Scoutmaster giving me advice on how to motivate some 14 year olds

"The Bird of Hermes is my name, eating my wings made me tame" - Alucard, Hellsing (Manga)

"I've always thought that speeches should be like mini-skirts: short enough to keep your attention, but long enough to cover the basics." - My english teacher when telling us how to make the perfect speech

“Arthur: Consult the Book of Armaments!

Brother Maynard: Armaments, chapter two, verses nine to twenty-one.

Cleric: And Saint Attila raised the Hand Grenade up on high, saying, 'O Lord, bless this Thy Hand Grenade that, with it, Thou mayest blow Thine enemies into tiny pieces... in Thy mercy.'

And the Lord did grin, and the people did feast upon the lambs, and sloths, and carp, and anchovies, and orangutans, and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats, and large chu —

Brother Maynard: Skip a bit, Brother.

Cleric: And the Lord spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three. No more. No less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once at the number three, being the third number be reached, then, lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it.” - Monty Python and the Holy Grail

“King: You only killed the bride's father, that's all!

Lancelot: Well, I didn't mean to.

King: Didn't mean to?! You put your sword right through his head!

Lancelot: Oh dear... is he all right?” - Monty Python and the Holy Grail

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from
the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. - Notice on a Church notice board

Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children. - Notice on a Church notice board

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?"
Come early and listen to our choir practice. - Notice on a church notice board

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help. - Notice on a Church notice board

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious
pleasure to the congregation. - Notice on a Church notice board

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
downstairs. - Notice on a Church notice board

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help
they can get. - Notice on a Church notice board

"Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines."