( ) Single
( )Taken
(x) I don’t want to get married. I want to stay single and let my hair flow through the wind as I ride through the glen firing arrows into the sunset.

"Life is wasted on the living." - Douglas Adams

"We keep moving forward, opening new doors, and doing new things, because we're curious and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths." - Walt Disney

"We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love." - Seuss

"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.” - Seuss

“You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams." - Seuss

“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.” - Einstein

“Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results.” - Einstein

“Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.” - Oscar Wilde

“I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.” - Oscar Wilde

“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.” - Oscar Wilde

Me: Can I use the bathroom?
Teacher: I don't know, can you?
Me: I'm sorry. When I said 'can,' I was using its secondary form as a verbal modifier, rather than expressing an ability. I thought that as a teacher, you'd know that. My bad, may I use the bathroom?
Teacher: ...

Growing old is mandatory...Growing up is optional

I know the traffic signals by heart; green means go, yellow means speed up, and red means check for cops

Yes, I hit like a girl. You could too if you hit a bit harder.

When in danger, when in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout

I'm the kind of girl who could watch hundreds of Horror movies and never get scared , but would scream at the top of my lungs when toast pops out of the toaster.

I don't know. I don't care. And it doesn't make any difference.

I was gifted, but the psychiatrist took away my powers.

Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Hiding from you.

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put u and i together
Woman: Really? I'd put f and u together (Or: I don't have to rearrange the alphabet, N and O are already together.)

You're just jealous because the voices in my head talk to me and not you.

I don't suffer from insanity... I enjoy every minute of it.

I don't obsess! I think intensely.

My night in shining armor turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil.

The trouble with alarm clocks is that they always go off when you're asleep.

I used up all my sick days at work so I'm calling in dead.

1. Children's Asprin: Warning: Keep Away From Children (so we have children's aspirin...that children can't get to)

2. Peanuts: Warning: Product May Contain Nuts (Really? Now that's shocking...Seriously, I think that was life changing)

3. Curling Iron: Warning: Do not use while sleeping (Dang. I've become addicted to sleep-hair-curling. This will never work!)

4. Candle: Warning: Warning, A burning candle is fire (And here I thought it was ice. Face-palm!)

5. Frozen Pizza: Warning: Do not eat before cooking (You mean we can't chew through all that frozen goodness?)

6. Blanket from Taiwan: Warning: Not To Be Used As Protection From A Tornado (Does this mean people can use it to protect themselves from hurricanes?)

7. Frisbee: Warning: May Contain Small Parts (Uhhh...I kinda thought frisbees were all one piece...Do they come with batteries now or something?)

8. Butcher Knife: Warning: Keep Out of Children (So now sticking them in kids' stomachs when they don't behave. That's not abusive or dangerous, now is it?)

9. Railroad Sign: Warning: Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted. (So there's going to be a trial during that person's funeral. Sounds like fun!)

10. Hair Coloring: Warning: Do not use as an ice cream topping (You mean it's not a substitute for whipped cream? NO WAY!)

11. Dial Soap: Warning: Use like regular soap (As opposed to non-regular soap?)

12. Sleeping Pills: Warning: May Cause Drowsiness (So that's why we take them! I thought they were a replacement for coffee)

13. Puzzle: Warning: Some Assembly Required (You mean puzzles don't come all put together in one box?)

14. Japanese Food Processor: Warning: Not to be used for the other use (Uhhh...I don't think I even want to know)