Hey!! my name is Julie. If you have any story request please feel free to let me know. Dont forget to review my stories!

Favorite pairs:

Twilight:Edward/bella jake/renesamee Alice/jasper

Transformers Sam/mikalia Optamis/ elata 1 Ironhide/Chromia

Harry Potter Harry/ginny ron/Hermione

Moonlight Josef/Shara Mick/Beth

Eureka Zoe/lucas Joe/zane Carter/ Alison

P.O.T.C. Will/Elizabeth

Darkest powersDerek/Chole

Psych Spencer/Juliet

I WANT A GUY...

who would move the hair away from my eyes and then kiss me,

hold my hand

Someone who would sing to me at random moments.

Who would let me sleep on his chest.

A BOY who would get mad at someone if they called me UGLY or were mean to me.

I want someone who would call me 3 times a day if he went away.

Someone who would let me gossip to him

and just smile and agree with everything I said.

He would throw stuffed animals at me when I acted dumb and then

KISS ME A MILLION TIMES.

Someone who would make fun of me just to make me laugh.

He would take me to the park and

put his hands around my waist

and

give me big bearhugs all the time.

He would tell all his friends about me and SMILE when he did.

And we'd make out in the pouring rain.

He would never be afraid to say "I love you" in front of his friends,

and we'd argue about silly things and then make up.

I want a boy who would kiss me at midnight on New Years

and COUNT STARS with me.

Who would stay home with me on a Friday night

just to help me make dinner and watch movies together under the same blanket.

Someone who would tell me I'm beauiful but not too often,

who would make me laugh like NO ONE else could.

But mostly, I want someone who would be my best friend and would never BREAK MY HEART

A Real Boyfriend

Kiss her

When she pushes you or hits you like a dumb ass cuz she thinks shes stronger than you

Grab her and dont let go

When she starts cursing at you tryin to act all tuff

Kiss her and tell her you love her

When she's quiet

Ask her whats wrong

When she ignores you

Give her your attention

When she pulls away

Pull her back

When you see her at her worst

Tell her she's beautiful

When you see her start crying

Just hold her and dont say a word

When you see her walking

Sneak up and hug her waist from behind

When she's scared

Protect her

When she steals your favorite hat

Let her keep it and sleep with it for a night

When she teases you

Tease her back and make her laugh

When she doesn't answer for a long time

reassure her that everything is okay

When she looks at you with doubt

Back yourself up

When she says that she likes you

SHE REALLY DOES MORE THAN YOU COULD UNDERSTAND!

When she grabs at your hands

Hold her's and play with her fingers

When she bumps into you;

bump into her back and make her laugh

When she tells you a secret

keep it safe and untold

When she looks at you in your eyes

dont look away until she does

When she says it's over

she still wants you to be hers

When she reposts this bulletin

she wants you to read it

- Stay on the phone with her even if she's not saying anything.

- When she's mad hug her tight and don't let go

- When she says she's ok dont believe it, talk with her

- because 10 yrs later she'll remember you

- Call her at 12:00am on her birthday to tell her you love her

- Treat her like she's all that matters to you.

- Stay up all night with her when she's sick.

- Watch her favorite movie with her or her favorite show even if you think it's stupid.

- Give her the world.

- Let her wear your clothes.

- When she's bored and sad, hang out with her.

- Let her know she's important.

- Kiss her in the pouring rain.

If you do post this in the next four minutes the one you love will :

Call you.

Kiss you.

Love you.

Text you.

Guys post as: "I'd be this Boyfriend."

Girls post as: "A real Boyfriend."

in line at the mall and make all the girls jealous.

Something that touched my heart

I WANT A GUY...

who would move the hair away from my eyes and then kiss me,

hold my hand

Someone who would sing to me at random moments.

Who would let me sleep on his chest.

A BOY who would get mad at someone if they called me UGLY or were mean to me.

I want someone who would call me 3 times a day if he went away.

Someone who would let me gossip to him

and just smile and agree with everything I said.

He would throw stuffed animals at me when I acted dumb and then

KISS ME A MILLION TIMES.

Someone who would make fun of me just to make me laugh.

He would take me to the park and

put his hands around my waist

and

give me big bearhugs all the time.

He would tell all his friends about me and SMILE when he did.

And we'd make out in the pouring rain.

He would never be afraid to say "I love you" in front of his friends,

and we'd argue about silly things and then make up.

I want a boy who would kiss me at midnight on New Years

and COUNT STARS with me.

Who would stay home with me on a Friday night

just to help me make dinner and watch movies together under the same blanket.

Someone who would tell me I'm beauiful but not too often,

who would make me laugh like NO ONE else could.

But mostly, I want someone who would be my best friend and would never BREAK MY HEART

A Real Boyfriend

Kiss her

When she pushes you or hits you like a dumb ass cuz she thinks shes stronger than you

Grab her and dont let go

When she starts cursing at you tryin to act all tuff

Kiss her and tell her you love her

When she's quiet

Ask her whats wrong

When she ignores you

Give her your attention

When she pulls away

Pull her back

When you see her at her worst

Tell her she's beautiful

When you see her start crying

Just hold her and dont say a word

When you see her walking

Sneak up and hug her waist from behind

When she's scared

Protect her

When she steals your favorite hat

Let her keep it and sleep with it for a night

When she teases you

Tease her back and make her laugh

When she doesn't answer for a long time

reassure her that everything is okay

When she looks at you with doubt

Back yourself up

When she says that she likes you

SHE REALLY DOES MORE THAN YOU COULD UNDERSTAND!

When she grabs at your hands

Hold her's and play with her fingers

When she bumps into you;

bump into her back and make her laugh

When she tells you a secret

keep it safe and untold

When she looks at you in your eyes

dont look away until she does

When she says it's over

she still wants you to be hers

When she reposts this bulletin

she wants you to read it

- Stay on the phone with her even if she's not saying anything.

- When she's mad hug her tight and don't let go

- When she says she's ok dont believe it, talk with her

- because 10 yrs later she'll remember you

- Call her at 12:00am on her birthday to tell her you love her

- Treat her like she's all that matters to you.

- Stay up all night with her when she's sick.

- Watch her favorite movie with her or her favorite show even if you think it's stupid.

- Give her the world.

- Let her wear your clothes.

- When she's bored and sad, hang out with her.

- Let her know she's important.

- Kiss her in the pouring rain.

If you do post this in the next four minutes the one you love will :

Call you.

Kiss you.

Love you.

Text you.

Guys post as: "I'd be this Boyfriend."

in line at the mall and make all the girls jealous.

I copied and pasted this from CaMaRoFaN14's profile because I was touched by the story:

I was walking around in a Target store, when I saw a Cashier hand this little boy some money back.

The boy couldn't have been more than 5 or 6 years old. The Cashier said, "I'm sorry, but you don't have enough money to buy this doll."

Then the little boy turned to the old woman next to him: ''Granny, are you sure I don't have enough money?''

The old lady replied: ''You know that you don't have enough money to buy this doll, my dear.''

Then she asked him to stay there for just 5 minutes while she went to look a round. She left quickly. The little boy was still holding the doll in his hand. Finally, I walked toward him and I asked him who he wished to give this doll to.

"It's the doll that my sister loved most and wanted so much for Christmas.

She was sure that Santa Claus would bring it to her."

I replied to him that maybe Santa Claus would bring it to her after all, and not to worry.

But he replied to me sadly. "No, Santa Claus can't bring it to her where she is now. I have to give the doll to my mommy so that she can give it to my sister when she goes there."

His eyes were so sad while saying this. "My Sister has gone to be with God. Daddy says that Mommy is going to see God very soon too, so I thought that she could take the doll with her to give it to my sister.''

My heart nearly stopped.

The little boy looked up at me and said: "I told daddy to tell mommy not to go yet. I need her to wait until I come back from the mall."

Then he showed me a very nice photo of him where he was laughing. He then told me "I want mommy to take my picture with her so she won't forget me."

"I love my mommy and I wish she doesn't have to leave me, but daddy says that she has to go to be with my little sister."

Then he looked again at the doll with sad eyes, very quietly.

I quickly reached for my wallet and said to the boy. "Suppose we check again, just in case you do have enough money for the doll?''

"OK" he said, "I hope I do have enough." I added some of my money to his with out him seeing and we started to count it. There was enough for the doll and even some spare money.

The little boy said: "Thank you God for giving me enough money!"

Then he looked at me and added, "I asked last night before I went to sleep for God to make sure I had enough money to buy this doll, so that mommy could give It to my sister. He heard me!''

"I also wanted to have enough money to buy a white rose for my mommy, but I didn't dare to ask God for too much. But He gave me enough to buy the doll and a white rose.''

"My mommy loves white roses."

A few minutes later, the old lady returned and I left with my basket. I finished my shopping in a totally different state from when I started. I couldn't get the little boy out of my mind.

Then I remembered a local news paper article two days ago, which mentioned a drunk man in a truck, who hit a car occupied by a young woman and a little girl.

The little girl died right away, and the mother was left in a critical state. The family had to decide whether to pull the plug on the life-sustaining machine, because the young woman would not be able to recover from the coma.

Was this the family of the little boy?

Two days after this encounter with the little boy, I read in the news paper that the young woman had passed away.

I couldn't stop myself as I bought a bunch of white roses and I went to the funeral home where the body of the young woman was exposed for people to see and make last wishes before her burial.

She was there, in her coffin, holding a beautiful white rose in her hand with the photo of the little boy and the doll placed over her chest.

I left the place, teary-eyed, feeling that my life had been changed for ever.. The love that the little boy had for his mother and his sister is still, to this day, hard to imagine.

And in a fraction of a second, a drunk driver had taken all this away from him.

Now you have 2 choices:

1) Repost this message, or

2) Ignore it as if it never touched your heart (If you aren't touched by this, you are truly heartless)

FEMALE COMEBACKS!!
pick up line comebacks, add to it

Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Hiding from you.

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put u and i together
Woman: Really, I'd put f and u together

Man: Your eyes they're amazing.
Woman: Seeing your back would be pretty amazing.

Man: Hey, are you single?

Woman: No, I have multiple personalities.

Man: Did it hurt when you fell from hever?

Woman: Yep. God said I was too evil.

YOUR GUY SIDE:

You love hoodies.
You love jeans.
Dogs are better than cats.
It's hilarious when people get hurt.
You've played with/against boys on a team.
Shopping is torture.
Sad movies suck.
You own/ed an X-Box.
Played with Hotwheel cars as a kid.
At some point in time you wanted to be a firefighter.
You own/ed a DS, PS2 or Sega.
You used to be obsessed with Power Rangers.
You watch sports on TV.
Gory movies are cool.
You go to your dad for advice.

You own like a trillion baseball caps.
Baggy pants are cool to wear
You love to go crazy and not care what people think.
Talk with food in your mouth.
Sleep with your socks on at night--sometimes

TOTAL: 11

YOUR GIRL SIDE:

You wear lip gloss/chapstick.
You love to shop.
You wear eyeliner.
You wear the color pink
Go to your mom for advice.
You consider cheerleading a sport.
You hate wearing the color black.
You like hanging out at the mall.
You like getting manicures and/or pedicures.
You like wearing jewelry.
Skirts are a big part of your wardrobe.
Shopping is one of your favorite hobbies.
You don't like the movie Star Wars.
You were in gymnastics/dance.
It takes you around/ more one hour to shower, get dressed, and make-up.
You smile a lot more than you should.
You have more than 10 pairs of shoes.
You care about what you look like.
You like wearing dresses when you can.
You like wearing body spray/perfume/cologne.
You love the movies.
Used to play with dolls as little kid.
Like putting make-up on someone else for the joy/joke of it.
Like being the star of every thing.

TOTAL: 9

PREP
You own a cell phone.
you own something from abercrombie
You own something from pacsun
you own something from Hollister
You own something from American Eagle
You love/like going to the mall.
You own an iPod/MP3 player.
You love Starbucks.
You have been called a brat.
You hate buying things that are on sale
You have more than one house

total: 7

GOTHIC

Black is one of your favorite colors.
You have thought about death.
You wear chains.
You like heavy metal.
You've shopped at Hot Topic.
You have worn black lipstick.
Your hair was/is dark.
You dislike preps.
You're an athiest/ satanist/agnostic.

total: 6

PUNK

You can skateboard
You've worn plaid.
you like Converse
you hate MTV
You have/had blue, pink, red, purple, or green hair. - (streeks count)
You dislike pink.
You hate/dislike preps.
You wear/wore skateboarding shoes.

total: 6

GEEK

You love the computer.
You like Harry Potter.
you are supposed to wear glasses/contacts
You get straight A's.-(most of the time, not always)
You love/like reading.
You were/are in band
You don't care what you look like.
You have a curfew.
You always do your homework.
you never miss school unless you're sick.

total: 6

Athletic
You watch/watched the Superbowl.
You own track shoes or other sports related shoes.
You collect your jerseys.
you have a wall or shelf dedicated to your trophies / awards
You have posters or plaques of famous athletes.
your garage consists of sports equiptment
You belong/belonged to a school team.
You are going/did go to a sports summer camp.
You have a specific number

total: 2

HARDCORE//scene

You like loud music
You love/loved the Ninja Turtles
You never walk anywhere.
you wear slip-on shoes.
You wear/wore Vans.
You like the band panic! at the disco.
You wear band t-shirts.
People have called you a freak and meant it.
You love to "hardcore" dance
hair has been died more than 1 color--dark red, orange red, black, blue, and purple

total: 5

"Edward: Get to sleep. You’ve got a big day tomorrow. Bella: Thanks! That’s sure to help me wind down. Edward: I’ll meet you at the altar. Bella: I’ll be the one in white." Edwrad and bella, Breaking Dawn

"Jasper? What do vampires do for bachelor parties? You're not taking him to a strip club, are you?" Bella, Breaking Dawn

" 'Fall down again bella?' 'No Emmett. I punched a werewolf in the face.'" Emmett and Bella, Eclipse

If you were thinking "Holy shit, holy shit, a swordfish almost went through my head," then yes, we are thinking the same thing... -Chife, get smart

Everything in this room is eatable. Even I am eatable. But that, my dear children, is cannibalism and is frowned upon in most societies. -Willy wonka, charlie and the chocolate factory

"No. If we don't have the key, we can't open whatever we don't have that it unlocks. So what purpose would be served in finding whatever need be unlocked, which we don't have, without first having found the key what unlocks it?" -Jack sparrow, potc dead mans chest

"I love those moments. I like to wave at them as they pass by." -Jack sparrow on 'moments to do the right thing', potc dead mans chest

"I've got a jar of dirt! I've got a jar of dirt! And guess what's inside it?" -jack sparrow, potc dead mans chest

"My incredibly intuitive sense of the female creature tells me you are troubled." -Jack sparrow, potc dead mans chest

"Me? I'm dishonest, and a dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest. Honestly. It's the honest ones you want to watch out for, because you can never predict when they're going to do something incredibly... stupid." -Jack sparrow, potc Curse of the black pearl

"For sure, you have to be lost to find a place that can't be found, elseways everyone would know where it was." -Barbossa, potc At worlds end.

John Locke: What is it?
Richard Alpert: It's a compass.
John Locke: What does it do?
Richard Alpert: It points North, John.

John Locke: Was he talking about what I think he was talking about?
Ben Linus: If you mean time-travelling bunnies, then yes.

Locke: "The man from Tallahassee?" What is that, some kind of code?
Ben: No, John. Unfortunately, we don’t have a code for “there’s a man in my closet with a gun to my daughter’s head.” Although, we obviously should.

Locke: Where do you get electricity?
Ben: We have two giant hamsters running in a massive wheel in our secret underground lair.
Locke: That's funny

Sawyer: (to Hugo, Charlie, and Aaron) "Well, if it ain't three mean and a baby, I counted Hugo twice.

Jack: [needs blood for transfusion for Boone, but Charlie only found out four] You only asked four people?
Charlie: I asked everyone. No one knows their blood type! *I* don't know my bloody blood type!

(Charlie hands Kate her shirt)
Kate: It was...um full of bees.
Charlie: I would have guessed C's
(Kate glares at him)
Charlie: Sorry

"Dude, I know how this works. This is gonna end with you and me running through the jungle, screaming and crying. He catches me first because I'm heavy and I get cramps."
- Hurley, as he and Charlie prepare to bury Ethan

"I take comfort knowing someday this is all gonna be a real nice shopping complex."
- Sawyer, out in the wild

"Dude, looks like someone steamrolled Harry Potter."
- Hurley, commenting on Sawyer's new look

"Life's not so bad, right? Sure the Others are coming to, like, eat us all, and every once in a while someone blows up all over you, but you do get to sleep in every morning."
- Hurley to Jack

"Does any of this look familiar from when you were coming back?"
"Well, yeah, there's my favorite leaf. How could I forget this place?"
- Locke and Sawyer, in the middle of nowhere

Sawyer: (to Kate) "Doctor playing golf! Wooo! Boy Howdy! I've heard everything. What's next? A cop eating a doughnut?"

Charlie: So... first plane crash?
Claire: What gave it away?
Charlie: Ah, you can always spot the newbies.

Charlie: [sees Claire writing in her diary] Dear Diary, still on this bloody island. Today I swallowed a bug. Love, Claire.

Josef: Prom wasn't really big back in the 1700's. High school, either. The plague. The plague was big.

Josef Konstantin: Vampire solidarity. Rah rah rah, and all that.

Josef Konstantin: Well you, my friend, must get her to stop.
Mick St. John: What d'you mean? Like she's driving along and suddenly her car explodes?
Josef Konstantin: I was thinking of you ask her nicely, but... fielder's choice.

Lola: Evil's a word that gets tossed around a lot. Like "great". Or "awesome".

Terrance: [Mick throws gym back onto morgue table] Please tell me that's just lunch in there.
Mick St. John: Not this time.
Terrance: Oh! This is LA County Morgue, not 'Help You Autopsy' you can't just bring in your own bodies.

Terrance: Well, silver should show up in the blood.
[sticks needle into body, and draws back, sucking up only air]
Terrance: Blood should show up in the blood

Mick St. John: What are you doing here?
Josef Konstantin: Guerillermo called me. Said you were going to do something stupid. I said "Wait. That can't be the Mick I know.".

Mick St. John: Your name came up in connection with a story that Maureen was working on.
Josef Konstantin: Was her body found in the La Brea Tar pits?
Beth Turner: No.
Josef Konstantin: That was the only person I killed this week.
Mick St. John: We need to talk with your PR agent.
Josef Konstantin: Check the tar pit.

Josef Kostan: So, have you sealed the deal yet?
Mick St. John: It's not about sex.
Josef Kostan: Everything's about sex.
Mick St. John: I'm 52 years older than her, I drink blood bought from the morgue, and I tend to bite down when I...
Josef Kostan: Some women like that.

Guillermo: [sniffing the air as Mick enters autopsy] Mick! Welcome back to the land of the unliving.

Mick St. John: So we gonna find your designers at the bottom of the tar pits?
Josef Konstantin: Mick, please. I don't have the energy to kill everyone who pisses me off... I hire some people.

Josef Konstantin: So G.I. Mick, why the trip down memory lane?
Mick St. John: I need DNA to confirm that I fathered a child with my best friend's wife after the war.
Josef Konstantin: [slight chuckle] Wow! Never a dull moment. I'll give you that.
Mick St. John: [waiting expectantly] Come on. Give me your best shot. I know you're dying to.
Josef Konstantin: You want the truth?
[moves closer to Mick]
Josef Konstantin: See I've been playing with some vamps in my day. But uh, no rug rats. Well not that I know of. Guess they'd all be dust by now so... Kind of moot point but... Yeah you know, it's one of my *only* regrets. And I don't believe in regrets.
Mick St. John: The boy who was kidnapped, he might be my grandson.
Josef Konstantin: I hope you get the kid back. Your last contribution to the human gene pool.
Mick St. John: Yeah, guess he is.
Josef Konstantin: Unless you and Beth rewrite the rules of vampire love and figure out how to procreate.
[sees Beth]
Josef Konstantin: Hi Beth.

Josef Konstantin: But this is so awkward... I love awkward.

"Please, I begged silently, please do not let my last moments on earth be me crammed into a tiny boat in the dark, surrounded by mechanical singing pirates.
Yes, that would be cruel, my Voice said snidely."

I vill now destroy de Snickuhs bahrs! Gazzy

Besides my fashion sense? I play a mean harmonica Fang

Write that down...He's a notorius dessert stealer Max Ride

"Pick a tree. I'll go carve our initials in it." -Fang

Cheers," whispered George, wiping tears of laughter from his face.
"Oh, I hope she tries Vanishing them next...they multiply by ten every time you try..."

"We tried to shut him in a pyramid, but Mum spotted us." -George

"Has Ron saved a goal yet?" asked Hermione.
"Well, he can do it if he thinks no one is watching him," said Fred, rolling his eyes. "So all we have to do is ask the crowd to turn their backs and talk among themselves every time the Quaffle goes up on his end Saturday."

"You don't want to bottle your anger up like that, Harry, let it all out," said Fred, beaming. "There might be a couple people fifty miles away who didn't hear you."

"--but you get these massive pus-filled boils too," said George, "and we haven't worked out how to get rid of them yet."
"I can't see any boils," said Ron, staring at the twins.
"No, well, you wouldn't," said Fred, "they're not in a place we generally display to the public --"
"-- but they make sitting on a broom a right pain in the --"

"Hey, look - Harry's got a Weasley sweater, too!" Fred and George were wearing blue sweaters, one with a large yellow 'F' on it, the other a 'G.'
"Harry's is better than ours, though," said Fred, holding up Harry's sweater. "She obviously makes more of an effort if you're not family."
"Why aren't you wearing yours, Ron?" George demanded. "Come on, get it on, they're lovely and warm."
"I hate maroon," Ron moaned half-heartedly as he pulled it over his head.
"You haven't got a letter on yours," George observed. "I suppose she thinks you don't forget your name. But we're not stupid - we know we're called Gred and Forge."

"Harry!" said Fred, elbowing Percy out of the way and bowing deeply. "Simply splendid to see you, old boy--"
"Marvelous," said George, pushing Fred aside and seizing Harry's hand in turn. "Absolutely spiffing."
Percy scowled.
"That's enough, now," said Mrs. Weasley.
"Mum!" said Fred as though he'd only just spotted her and seizing her hand too. "How really corking to see you--"

"You're a prefect? Oh Ronnie! That's everyone in the family!" [Molly Weasley]
"What are Fred and I? Next door neighbours?"

"So top grade's O for 'Outstanding,'" she [Hermione] was saying, "and then there's A-"
"No, E," George corrected her, "E for 'Exceeds Expectations.' And I've always thought Fred and I should've got E in everything, because we exceeded expectations just by turning up for the exams."

"This isn't how we imagined handing over our present," said George grimly, putting down a large wrapped gift on Ron's bedside cabinet and sitting beside Ginny.
"Yeah, when we pictured the scene, he was conscious," said Fred.

-It's the kind of relationship where we have a secret handshake, and she begs him to watch Disney movies with her,
while he begs her to watch a scary movie instead. It's where they laugh and joke all the time, but they're serious when it's
time to be serious. It's where neither of them have to say 'I love you' because they know with all their hearts they love each
other. It's where they can mess around on her couch, and then she'll laugh at him when he tries not to look guilty in front of
her dad. It's the kind of love everyone dreams about-

Twilight Oath:

I promise to remember Bella
Each time I carelessly fall down
And I promise to remember Edward
Whenever I'm out of town
I promise to obey traffic laws
For Charlies sake of course
And I promise to remember Jacob
When my heart fills with remorse
I promise to remember Carlisle
When ever I am in the Emergency Room
And I promise to remember Emmett
Every time there's a huge boom
I promise to to remember Rose
Whenever I see someone that holds pure beauty
And I promise to remember Alice
When I'm at a mall and a cute outfit spots me
I promise to remember Nessie
When I see that beautiful curly hair
And I promise to remember Esme
When someone tells me they care
I promise to remember Jasper
Whenever my emotions are unfurled
And I promise to remember the Volturi
When someone speaks of dominating the world
Yes I promise to love Twilight
Wherever I may go
So that all may see my obsession
Because I know what the Twilighters know

So You Want to Be a Death Eater.Your guide to everything evil! Sent in by Elizabeth, but made by an anonymous LJ user - if it's you, let us know!This list may contain spoilers!

Greetings, new follower:

If you are reading this letter then you have doubtless been accepted into the select band of professional wizards known as the Death Eaters. If by some unprecedented chance you are reading this and you have not been accepted into the Death Eaters then I suggest you put down this letter and leave now, or the consequences for you will be as terrible as my lifelong study into the Dark Arts can make them.

Please find enclosed a short introductory guide to Death Eating, which you must memorise and then eat, to prevent security leaks. (Due to an unfortunate fatality last week, it is now permitted to cut the guide into small pieces before swallowing).

The next meeting is scheduled for midnight, 11th June, when I trust we will have the pleasure of watching your initiation ceremony. Please remember to bring a clean handsaw and enough twine. It's so distressing when people don't prepare for these events properly.

Yours in infamy,

Lord Voldemort

So You Want To Be A Death Eater?

Welcome to this helpful guide to being a Death Eater. This leaflet should provide you with all the information you need to become a successful servant to the Dark Lord. It will if you know what's good for you. Please read every page before eating.

Aims of the society:

World peace
To be evil
To conquer the world
Elimination of all Muggles
Elimination of all Mudbloods
Elimination of Albus Dumbledore & the Order of the Phoenix
Elimination of (miscellaneous)
To serve Lord Voldemort (that's me!)
To create sanctuaries for endangered breeds of snakes
This statement is a lie.

List of Equipment required for new Death Eaters:

(Equipment marked must be obtained from Messers. Gorgon & Black Limited, outfitters to the intensely evil and terminally stylish since 12 BC. Their premises are on Knockturn Alley, but they now do mail order as well.)

Long Black Robes (Casual)
Long Black Robes (Smart)
Short Black Robes (for summer wear)
Long Black cloak (silk is preferable to velvet, as it is much more absorbent)
Black mask (informal)
Black mask (sequined)
Black boots (Stiletto heels are no longer permitted)
Black leather gloves (barbed wire ornamentation optional)
Wand
Extra wand in case of losing first wand
Plastic imitation wand in case of losing Extra wand

Cane (For favored members only. Unauthorized possession of a cane will result in a heavy fine. Before possessing cane, it is necessary to pass a rigorous series of tests to ascertain that your carrying-a-cane-in-a-nonchalant-yet-evil-fashion skills are up to scratch).

Coffin
Dueling sword
Disguise kit, containing: Nun's outfit, false beard, beekeeping veil, Muggle policeman's costume, etc.
Saw
Assorted chains
Handcuffs
Pointy stick

Recommended Reading:

Curses and Counter-Curses by Professor Vindictus Viridian
Evil: A Beginners Guide by Professor E. Maledict
The Illustrated Torturer's handbook by Bellatrix Black
What Not to Wear in the Torture Chamber by Narcissa Malfoy
Sex, Lies, and Unforgivable Curses: The Authorised Biography of Lord Voldemort by Peter Pettigrew
Caring For Your New Tattoo: An Informative Guide St. Mungo's Hospital Skin Department

Death Eater may also own snake or dragon or hippogriff. But only Lord Voldemort may possess a basilisk.

Death Eater Rules:

No Death Eater shall be a spy for Dumbledore.

No Death Eater shall play the harmonica.

All Death Eaters must be proficient in the Dark Arts: murder, Unforgivable Curses, yodeling etc. An annual examination will be made to make sure that all members are up to scratch.

No Death Eater shall behave with integrity unless it is a genuine accident.

A Death Eater must be pureblooded.

No Death Eater must ever mention that the Dark Lord himself is not pureblooded.

No Death Eater may kill another Death Eater without a very good reason.

All Death Eaters shall answer Lord Voldemort's summons immediately. (Unless you are having a shower, in which case it is permitted to don a bath robe first.)

All Death Eaters shall have vaguely sinister surnames.

All Death Eaters shall overtake on the left.

Frequently Asked Questions:

What happens if Voldemort is displeased with me?

As this is a fairly run (and currently short-staffed) organization, you will probably receive a warning. And some soul-destroying torture. A second offense and you will probably die a slow death. Options include:Being slowly eaten by a manticore.

Being dissolved in a vat of basilisk venom.

Gradual impalement on your own wand.

Death by Mandrake (according to season).

The Pancake curse. (This newly developed spell will carve you into wafer-thin slices. Victims killed in this way are traditionally cooked in hot fat and served with maple syrup or lemon juice at Death Eater feasts.)

Being flayed alive and used as a life-sized glove puppet at Death Eater children's parties.

Avada Kedavra (if we're in a hurry/ feeling rather unimaginative).

What should I do if I decide to leave the organization?
Make your funeral arrangements as quickly as possible. (See above)

What is the salary like?
You should be in this job for the principle of the thing, not for sordid reasons. So let's just say that it's much, much better than they pay at the Ministry. There will also be opportunities for pillage, looting, theft, etc., and Christmas bonuses are guaranteed.

Does the Dark Mark hurt?
Of course it does; this is an evil society after all. What are you, a wimp?

Can the Dark Mark be removed by laser treatment?
No. Only a moron would ask such a stupid question.But it can be temporarily obscured by a good-quality concealer. (Make sure it's a shade darker than your skin tone, as a lighter shade will simply draw attention to the tattoo. Pat translucent powder over the concealer to make it last longer.)

Is there a retirement age for Death Eaters?
You probably won't live long enough to have to deal with this problem.

Can I kill personal enemies or just opponents of Voldemort?
Murder is encouraged on principle; however, personal killings should be reserved for each individual Death Eater's free time, as obviously serving Lord Voldemort is much more important. Occasional massacre outings/ dark revels may take place as rewards for good (i.e. bad) behavior.

What should I do if Voldemort is defeated at the height of his powers by a one-year-old boy?This circumstance is so unlikely that there is no point devising a protocol to deal with it.

The Death Eater Anthem (to be memorised by each new recruit as soon as possible). Please note that this tune should never, never, never, never be sung to the tune of "Blackadder," an inane Muggle television program to which we are completely oblivious and never watch. Honestly.

Who lurk beneath the undergrowth?
When all is dim and dark?
Who murder people in their beds
Or sometimes in the park?
Death Eaters! Death Eaters!
Our blood is pure as pure!
Death Eaters! Death Eaters!
We all love Voldemort!
We serve the Dark Lord every day,
We're always very loyal
And if with us you don't agree
We'll boil you in hot oil!
Death Eaters! Death Eaters!
We're evil as can be!
Death Eaters! Death Eaters!
But if we're scared we'll flee!
Our curses are incredible.
We're known for our Morsmordres
And though our leader is insane
We always follow orders.
Death Eaters! Death Eaters!
We're wickedness collective!
Death Eaters! Death Eaters!
Yet rather ineffective!

Health and Safety:

Being a Death Eater is naturally a dangerous job. Lord Voldemort accepts no liability for any pain/suffering/torture/impalement/loss of limbs/grievous bodily harm/disintegration/insanity/imprisonment/loss of soul/death which you may experience while in his service. No good will come of any attempts to sue him as a negligent employer. Trust us.

However, in order to protect members, these safety guidelines have been developed for Death Eaters both during leisure time and on missions for the Dark Lord:Don't try to take out Harry Potter yourself. It is extremely presumptuous. Leave it to Lord Voldemort, who has much more practice.

Employ masterly deceit to conceal your allegiance to the Dark Lord: e.g., if someone accuses you of being a Death Eater, laugh carelessly and say: "No, I am not a Death Eater. Would you like a cup of tea?" This Machiavellian trickery should be enough to convince them.

If this does not convince your accuser, have them discreetly murdered. (Sussex and Fox Ltd, of 13, Knockturn Alley, run a very efficient assassination service and are currently offering cut-price deals for friends and associates of the Dark Lord. Present your membership card at the counter for further details.)

Keep your wand on you at all times, even if you are asleep/on a hot date/in the bath/on the beach/wearing very tight-fitting leather garments (or all of these at once).

Ostentatious indicators of evil, such as manic laughter/dressing entirely in black swooshy robes (Snape, this means you)/ making sinister comments/killing people should be practiced only in private.

If you suspect someone of being a spy, kill them and their family at the first opportunity. If it turns out they were not a spy at all, pass it off as a light-hearted practical joke.

Only eat food prepared by yourself or your faithful minions. Do not trust your spouse(s)/partner(s), no matter how pretty he/she/they may be.

Similarly, do not accept drinks from anyone. This may cause offense when visiting a pub or bar but it's better than being dead. Obviously.

Do not take off your mask for any reason while on a mission. If people see your face while you are conjuring the Dark Mark/ massacring etc, they may suspect that you are a Death Eater.

Do not try to smoke while wearing your mask, as it is not fireproof.

Never address your colleagues by name while on a mission. Survivors may recall it at a later date. For the same reason, never mention your address or telephone number to anyone you are kidnapping/raping/torturing/killing, no matter how attractive they may be. Evil relationship experts have stated that romance is unlikely to flourish under such circumstances anyway.

Burn all sensitive documents. Not only will this deter spies, it is also amusing as it contributes to global warming.

Set up an anti-Apparating spell round your residence (but make sure you have a Portkey handy so you're not embarrassingly trapped there if the place is attacked by Aurors).

Prepare a secret hideout for yourself should your cover be blown. Failure to do this may lead to your sharing a hideout with another Death Eating family, which often results in friction over use of bathroom facilities, television, etc.

Don't upset Lord Voldemort. It will only end in tears. (And multiple burns, fractured limbs, mortal torment, etc.)

For Hogwarts:

- If death eaters are attacking Hogsmeade I will not point at the sky and shout TO THE BAT MOBILE!
- So I was all like Avada Kadavra and he was all like Dead
- I will not ask Harry if his scar senses are tingling.
- Draco Malfoy the amazing...bouncing...Ferret.
- Remus Lupin does NOT want a flee collar
- I will not make any jokes about Lupin and his time of the month.
- I will not say 'dude, get a life' to Lord Voldemort
- I will not ask Snape why he stole Batman's cape
- This icon is off trying to shut Percy in a pyramid.
- I will not sing "we're off to see the wizard" when sent to the headmasters office
- I have eight horcruxes, take that Voldy!
- Professor Flitwick's name is not Yoda
- I will not bring a magic eight ball to Divination class
- I am not allowed to make lightsaber sounds when using my wand
- Sirius Black: Escaped askaban...Evaded death eaters...Outwitted the ministry...Killed by drapery.