Are you looking for a fanfiction that has proper grammar and an extensive vocabulary? One that's commensurate with your knowledge? One that you can read without thinking, Who the heck thought it would be a good idea to publish this? Let's be honest. Most fanfictions have two of these three things:

1. Grammar that you can stand to read. (“lol & then she went 2 the funner partee with Lexia and I” does not count as “good grammar.” I can point out eight mistakes right off the bat.)

2. A clever plot that isn't terribly predictable and actually original.

3. OCs that don't take over the whole story. (Believe me, I hate it when this happens.)

Now, choose two. Only two.

Do you think every story you read must be comprehensible and unique? Just wait until the author slowly begins to make you want to pull out your hair because the OCs are so obnoxious. Okay, so you really hate those OCs. How about we go with a good plot where the OCs are simply side characters that have no vitally important role in the story. But the thing is, you don't know what the heck you're reading because the grammar is just so awful.

Now we know we need a story with good grammar. So, we pick up a nice fanfiction where the grammar is acceptable and the OCs are acting appropriately. But here's the problem: the author is good…but the story is cruising on the road to nowhere at a constant fifty-five miles per hour. We simply cannot read another page of this rushed, improvised, and unoriginal thing. Don't even try plowing through—it's not worth it. Please, I beg you, put the book down.

But, what if novel that met all criterions successfully existed? I kid you not, there are a few out there. And I will make an effort beyond what my time is worth to make my fanfictions as close as possible to one of these supernova stories.

Since you now know that we as readers have stringent standards, let me inform you on what I expect from you.

If I was to make a mistake (like that's going to happen…), please correct it. I don't care how minor it is, a mistake is a mistake is a mistake. Sometimes, I'll purposely mess up the dialogue to fit the character's personality. And guys, remember: I'm on your side. If you're worried someone's going to call you out for being picky or a Grammar Nazi, your fears are misdirected. I will personally stand up for you if someone was to call you out for doing what I, as the author, asked you, as the reader, to do.

Now, the others. I like to call these “The Forbidden Subjects.”

As long as I live in the fanfiction world, not one of these subjects shall be uttered in my gracing presence.

• How soccer is such an intriguing game that over eighty percent of the world loves. Guess what? I don't freaking care! You want an intriguing game? Grab a lacrosse stick and quit tripping over that stupid ball.

• How all Americans are indolent and idiotic. Okay, morons, ever heard of a stereotype? I, for your information, I am very much American. And, unlike you soccer-playing European folk, I can play a real sport. And academically…well, let's just say I'm a sixth grader who's going to be taking Math I next year.

Although I am certain no one actually read all of that, thanks.