Hi I'm Ria Quean. (My pen name) (Real name I will tell you when I am famous)

IF YOU WANT TO UPLOAD a chapter for your story and an error comes up then just copy and paste the link below and then add the seven digit story ID number (to find that put your mouse over the story you want to update on your profile page and in the corner should be a URL with 7 numbers in it. Put those 7 numbers after the equals sign in the link! Thanks to xEdwardAnthonyMasenx for telling me how to do this :)

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I'm 15.

I'm 5'7 tall

I have caramel blondy brown hair and bluey-green grey eyes

I'm writing a trilogy. Its called...Wont tell you yet :D

Please ignore my country sign. I am from Guernsey, Channel Islands (They're a bit like Northern Ireland as in we're British but we're not English. Although we are actually closer to France than Brittan, but whatever!)

For all those who think Quean is spelt Queen. Quean is an Old English word for She-cat.

I like: Writing, acting, reading, singing, dancing, swimming, breathing...

My fav colour: Emerald Green.

My fav books: Anything that isn't depressing or boring I like. (Redwall, Twilight, Percy Jackson, Artemis Fowl, I Am Number Four, Lion Boy, Halo, Lee Raven, Castaways Of The Flying Dutchman, The Exiles, Dog Friday, Saffy's Angel, One Whole And Perfect Day Airhead,Mediator, 1-800-Where-R-You,Tommy Sullivan's A Freak,How To Be Popular, Teen Idol, Princess Diary's, Pride and Prejudice. etc...etc..)

My fav films : Ditto (Letters To Juliet, Overboard, While You Were Sleeping, Stardust, Knight And Day, The Tourist, Shes The Man, Lord Of The Rings, Pirates Of The Caribbean, French Kiss, Princess Diary's, Race To Witch Mountain, Flipper,Fools Gold, Enchanted, Just Like Heaven, Cool Runnings, Uncle Buck,Pride and Prejudice. etc...etc...)

Fav TV:Bones, Vampire Diaries, Doctor Who, Smallville, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel, Gossip Girl, The Secret Circle, Friends, Merlin, M*A*S*H,The Good Life,Yes Minister, Yes Prime-Minister, My Family, Porridge, Top Gear

Daily (ish) Blog (thingywhatever)

Fri/25/3/11 17:50

I cant update!!!!!! AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!! Oh well. My braces hurt. :(

I, Riaquean, do solemnly swear to review all the fics I read, regardless of the number of reviews, its age, or anything else.

I have joined the Review Revolution.

Copy and Paste this into your profile to join the Revolution, too!! :D

I am the girl that doesn't go to school, who doesn't have millions of friends.

I am the girl who always puts her foot in her mouth.

I am the girl that people look through when I say something.

I am the girl that spends most of her free time reading, writing, or doing other activities that most teenagers wouldn't call normal.

I am the girl that people call weird and a freak either behind my back or to my face.

I am the girl that doesn't have Facebook, who doesn't spend hours talking to a friend on a cell phone or regular phone.

I am the girl that hasn't been asked out yet.

BUT! I am also

The girl that has stopped to smell the flowers and jump and splash in the rain.

The girl who is truly loyal to the friends she has.

The girl who knows exactly what she wants to do with her life.

I amthe girl who knows and is proud to be who she is, doesn’t care if people call her weird (it's a compliment), who loves reading and writing and doing the things that no one seems to have the time to do any more, who loves and is obsessed with books (See fav books), who can express herself better with words than actions, who doesn't need a guy to complete her, and knows the importance of the little things.

Copy and paste this onto your account, and add your name to the list, if you ANYTHING like me, so the girls who are different and unique can know in their weakest time that they are unique but not alone.: Iheartjake1220, FaerieRose13, Dancer4Life15,Marigold Winters, SparklingTopazEyes, 7HockeyStarVampireObsessed7, Emma-Masen-Cullen, Lily CullenSalvatore, Riaquean

-If you've re-read TWILIGHT over four times...copy and paste this onto your profile.

-If you are absolutely in love with Stephenie Meyer's fictional character Edward from twilight, copy and paste this into your profile.

-If you are absolutely in love with Stephenie Meyer's fictional character Jasper from twilight, copy and paste this into your profile

-If you support the ‘Make Edward change Bella into a vampire’ club, copy this into your profile

-If you are absolutely in love with Rick Riordan's fictional character Percy Jackson, copy and paste this into your profile

-If you are absolutely in love with Rick Riordan's fictional character Luke Castellan, copy and paste this into your profile

-If you are absolutely in love with Rick Riordan's fictional character Nico Di Angelo, copy and paste this into your profile

-If you cried like a baby when you read The Last Olympian, copy and paste this into your profile.

-If you are absolutely in love with Eoin Colfer's fictional character Artemis Fowl, copy and paste this into your profile.

-If you are absolutely in love with Eoin Colfer's fictional character Trouble Kelp, copy and paste this into your profile.

-If you think Holy and Artemis should be together, copy and paste this into your profile.

-If you haven't died yet, copy and paste this onto your profile

-If you have ever fallen upstairs, copy and paste this in your profile

-If you feel older than you actually are, copy and paste this in your profile.

-If someone says your name and you think 'That's not my name,' copy and paste this in your profile.

-If you are hopelessly in love, copy and paste this in your profile.

-If you or your best friend is insane, copy this into your profile

-If you have ever slapped yourself on the head and/or banged your head on a table for no reason, copy and paste this into your profile..

-A guy gets a girl 11 real roses and one fake rose. When he gave her the 12 roses, he said,"I'll love you until the last one dies." If you would love someone to say that to you copy and...You know what to do

-I read Eclipse and wanted to smack Jacob Black REALLY REALLY HARD. Then Bella did it for me. If you were as plesed as I was...You know the drill

-93 percent of American teens would have a severe emotional breakdown if someone called them a freak. If you're part of the 7 percent that would ask the person, "What was your first clue?" copy and paste this into your profile.

-If you have ever gotten so completely sidetracked in a conversation that you don't remember why you were talking in the first place, copy and paste this in your profile

-If you've ever asked a question that the person your asking couldn't possibly know the answer to, copy and paste this on your profile.

-If you have ever seen a movie (or show) so many times that you can quote it word for word. And you do at random moments; copy and paste this in you're profile.

-If you've ever pulled on a door that said push or vise-versa, copy and paste this into you profile.

-If you have way too many of these things, copy and paste this into your profile

-If you've ever asked a really stupid, obvious question, copy and paste this one your profile.

-If you have ever forgotten what you were going to say, right before you say it, copy this into your profile.

-If you have ever just wanted to SLAP someone, copy this onto your profile.

-If you have ever walked into a wall, copy this onto your profile

-If you have ever fallen out of a chair backwards...copy/paste this into your profile.

-If you've ever sung a song you hated so much, copy and paste this into your profile.

-If you've ever talked to yourself, copy and paste this into your profile.

-If you have so many 'if you have' ' in your profile that you cant see if there's doubles anymore , copy this into you profile

-If you've ever tried to put your hair behind your ears and ended up poking yourself in the eye, copy this into you profile

-If you have ever been so obsessed with something that now everyone is scared of you because of its effects, copy this into your profile

-If you're hyper, like being hyper, and are hyper all the time, COPY THIS ONTO YOUR PROFILE!

-If you're one of those people who get excited when they see just two reviews, paste this into your profile

-92 percent of the teenage population would die if Abercrombie and Fitch said that it wasn't cool to breathe anymore. Put this in your profile if you're part of the 8 percent that would be laughing your head off

-For me, crazy is a loose term. Crazy is when you stare at a pencil and laugh when someone asks you what is so interesting about the eraser. Crazy is when you have an hour-long sob fest, and then start singing and dancing when your favorite song comes on. Crazy is when you do or say a completely random thing, like "Do you ever wonder where the eraser bits go?" Or having a thumb war with yourself. If you're crazy, copy this onto your profile.

-I like cheese. I have seen purple cows. If two gooses are geese, then why aren't two moose meese? Or when two foots are feet, why aren't two footballs feetball? Milk tastes good. People call me crazy, which I am, but I'm also random! If you're random and proud of it, copy and paste this in your profile!

-If people think you are mentally insane...copy and paste this onto your profile

-If you ever read past two in the morning, copy and paste this to your profile.

-Admitting you are weird means you are normal. Saying that you are normal is odd. If you admit that you are weirdly normally weird and like it, copy this onto your profile.

-If you've walked under something that was about two feet above your head and ducked anyway copy and paste this is your profile

-If you are random and don't care, copy and paste this onto your profile.

-Ninety-five percent of the kids out there are concerned with being popular and fitting in. If you're part of the five percent who aren't, copy this, put it in your profile

-If you've ever talked to yourself, copy and paste this into your profile.

-Most people would be offended if someone asked them what was wrong with their mind. Copy this into your profile if you would be one of the few people that would answer, "Where to begin?"

-If you've ever wished you could go into a book and strangle some of the characters for being so incredibly dumb, copy and paste this into your profile.

-If you are crazy and proud of it copy and paste this onto your profile.

-Recent studies show that 92 percent of teenagers have moved on to rap. If you're part of the 8 percent that stayed with rock, put this in your profile

-If you have ever accidentally stabbed yourself or someone else with a pencil, copy and paste this onto your profile.

-If you hate those irritating mosquitoes giving you mosquito bites copy this in your profile.

-If you have music in your soul, post this in your profile.

-If you would consider betting against Alice Cullen, copy this onto your profile.

-If you carry around a book where ever you go, copy and paste this onto your profile.

-If you are a person who acts friendly but has an evil mind and is secretly plotting world domination, copy and paste this into your profile

-If you don't watch Eastenders or Corinaton Sreet or Hollyoaks religiously, never have, never will, and are proud of it, copy and paste this into your profile.

-If you've ever burst out laughing in a quiet room, copy this onto your profile

-If you spend multiple hours each day reading or writing or a combination of both...copy and paste this on your profile.

-If you hear voices of the characters in your head...copy and paste this on your profile.

-If you have ever walked into a room then forgot what you were doing, then started walking away and remembered copy this into your profile.

-If you've been on the computer for hours on end, reading numerous fanfictions, copy this into your profile

-If Fanfiction to you is what MySpace and Facebook is to other people, copy this into your profile.

-If you actually take the time to read copy and pastes, copy this onto your profile.

-If you probably need a life but have no intentions of getting one, put it on your profile.

-If you get way to excited for books, movies, etc. to come out, copy this into your profile.

-If you truly believe that there is an Edward Cullen out there somewhere for you, (His name doesn't have to be Edward)...copy/paste this into your profile

-If you have ever run into a tree, copy this to your profile.

-If you think being unique is better than being cool, you know the drill

-If your wondering why I'm wasting my time on my profile instead of writing stories Copy and Paste this to your Profile.

-You laugh because I'm different. I laugh because you're all the same. If you agree, copy and paste.

-If you have an odd sort of love/hate relationship with your computer, copy and paste this into your profile

-If you ever sang the "I know a song that'll get on your nerves" song copy this into your profile!

-If you are weird, insane, crazy, odd, not-normal, a freak of nature, psychotic, random or anything similar, copy this into your profile

-If you're against animal cruelty then copy this into your profile!

-If you have a tendency to talk/sing to yourself copy and paste this to your profile.

-If random songs pop into your head for no apparent reason, copy and paste this on your profile.

-Weird is the same as different, which is the same as unique, then weird is good. If you are weird and proud of it, copy this onto your profile!

-People say that I'm weird, but I think that weird is strange, and strange is odd, and odd is different, and different is unique, and everyone is unique, so unique is normal, so therefore I am normal. If the same is true for you, copy this onto your profile!

-If you read people's profiles looking for things to copy and paste into your profile, copy and paste this to your profile.

-If you've ever copied and pasted something onto your profile, copy and paste this onto your profile.

-If you are reading this line, copy and paste it in your profile.

-If your profile is long, copy and paste this on it to make it even longer.

-If you realize that copying and pasting things into your profile is pointless, yet you do it anyways, copy and paste this to your profile.

-If you are not sure if you find these 'copy and paste things' annoying or if you love them, copy and paste this on your profile.

-If you have braces copy and paste this into your profile

-Everyone is different, so therefore everyone is weird. People who aren't weird aren't themselves. If you are yourself and are therefore weird copy and paste.

O.C.D.! Obsessed. Cullen. Disorder.
-If you ever had a mad laughing fit for no reason, copy this to your profile.
-If you have considered naming your child Edward or Anthony, copy this into your profile.
-If you haven't died yet, copy this onto your profile.
-If you've reread Twilight over four times, copy and paste this onto your profile.
-If you cry every time you read New Moon, copy this into your profile.
-If you are absolutely in love with Stephenie Meyer's fictional character Edward, Jasper or Emmett from Twilight, copy and paste this into your profile.

~Twilight Oath~
I promise to remember Bella
Each time I carelessly fall down
And I promise to remember Edward
Whenever I'm out of town
I promise to obey traffic laws
For Charlies sake of course
And I promise to remember Jacob
When my heart fills with remorse
I promise to remember Carlisle
When ever I am in the Emergency Room
And I promise to remember Emmett
Every time there's a huge boom
I promise to to remember Rose
Whenever I see something that holds pure beauty
And I promise to remember Alice
When I'm at a mall and a cute outfit spots me
I promise to remember Nessie
When I see that beautiful bronze hair
And I promise to remember Esme
When someone tells me they care
I promise to remember Jasper
Whenever my stomach isn't curled
And I promise to remember the Volturi
When someone speaks of dominating the world
Yes I promise to love Twilight
Wherever I may go
So that all may see my obsession
Because I know what the Twilighters know

I have been diagnosed
║╔╗║╔═╣╔╗║ with Obsessive Cullen
║╚╝║╚═╣╚╝║ Disorder put this on your
╚══╩══╩══╝ profile if you've caught it too.

You Know You’re Obsessed With Percy Jackson When…

-There’s a thunderstorm going on and you scream, “CALM DOWN, ZEUS!”

-Every time you use the Internet, you thank Hermes.

-When you see Harry Potter, you think of Percy with glasses.

-You burn food to see if it smells good.

-You see an owl, you go, “Hi Athena!”

-Everyone else is creating a Twilight family and you create a PJO family.

-You go on a cruise and you hope the boat isn’t The Princess Andromeda…

-You sometimes try to control water.

-You don't read anything but PJO for 3 months.

-You've gone to Google maps and looked up Camp Half-Blood’s address.

-Even though not diagnosed, you claim you have ADHD or dyslexia and blame it on your God parent.

-You yell "Annabeth!" everytime you see a NY Yankees hat.

-You make the PJO characters on Sims, as Miis on the Wii, and other video games.

-Anytime you see an orange shirt, you look at the front of it to see if it is a Camp shirt.

-You are a PJO character for Halloween.

-Recite lines randomly from the books.

-When you see/hear about anything myhtology-related, you talk about how it was in PJO (what page, book, etc.) and what happened to it.

-Buy anything New York or San Francisco-related.

-You are suddenly obsessed with Adidas shoes because they have the Hermes symbol.

-You claim that Percy IS real and lives in New York no matter how much your friends argue with you.

-You have dreams about PJO characters/events

-You carry a ballpoint pen in your pocket.

-That everytime you pick up a pen, you think it'll turn into a sword.

-In the beginning of your first History class, you burst out "Will we be studying Greek mythology?!"

-You pretend (or actually) faint when someone asks "Who's Percy?"

-When someone mentions the name Percy you scream "JACKSON!"

-You are known to scream names of the characters at random times.

-You've got any copy of any book in all your backpacks/binders in case of emergencies .

-You make a list of characters never to anger, like this one and why:
~Thalia- Want her for your friend, hate her for your enemy. also she's a hunter, her aim with an arrow is very accurate...
~Athena- She scares Percy more than Zeus. Also, she cannot be distracted and her plans always work.
~Hades- Um, this one is rather obvious- also you might not be buried with a drachma in your pocket.
~Hermes- Cutting off your internet access would be slow and painful torture. Also I blame the economy crisis on Luke's stealing federal funds.
~Aphrodite- She's preoccupied with Percabeth and trust me I dont want to waste her time!

-You write fanfiction constantly, even when you're not at your computer.

-You give all your siblings god parents

-You quiz fellow fans on the minor gods and win.

-You spend time doing pointless research, just because Rick Riordan linked it on his site.

-You still think Thuke could happen.

-You plan several statements to avoid Apollo's lines and remember he's a player, should he ever hit on you, and several ways to get out of being cursed.

-You imagine the gods alone, and what they really do on the Superbowl.

-Your mother thinks you need to get a boyfriend, as does your father to cure your obsession.

-You read page 203 of BotL over and over again or say the lines in your head (PERCABETH!!)

-You know exactly what someone means when they say LT, SoM, TC, BotL, tLO PJO and use it in conversations.

-You find yourself saying things like "Oh my gods!" and "What the Hades?"

-When your boyfriend dumps you, you take the oath of the hunters.

-You go to the Empire State Building and ask for the 600th floor. When the dude at the desk looks at you wierd,you announce that your a demigod.

-You put in grey contacts and pretend that you are Annabeth

-You curse out the gods when something bad happens.

-You swear that Percy is real and lives in new york no matter how much you friends say it isnt true.

-You watch the show and read the book every chance you get.

-You claim that you are a demigod and need to go to camp in New York.

-You go to New York and ask for a man named Chiron and say that you need to go with him.

-You look for a latin teacher that is in a wheelchair and loves to throw Greek field days.

-You try to find Rachel and ask her for a prophecy.

-Everytime a major water storm or earthquake happens you scream at Poseidon

-Everytime somthing or someone dies that you are close to, you blame Hades.

-You talk about them nonstop.

-You’re in a running/swimming race and you’re praying and sacrificing to Hermes/Poseidon.

-You think that your favorite singer is a child of Apollo.

-Someone close to you dies and you give them money (LOTS of it) just in case…

-You’re on a boat and you pray that Poseidon is in a good mood.

-You’re in the air (hang-gliding, cliff-diving, bungee jumping, flying, in a plane, etc.) and you hope Zeus is in a good mood and won’t blast you out of the air.

-You go to Aunty Em’s and say you’re camera shy.

-You find your true love and thank Aphrodite for sending him/her to you.

-You know Muse is the best singers. Get it, the Nine Muses?? x)

-You bring a blue plastic hairbrush with you everywhere.

-When it gets really cold randomly, blame Kronos.

-You get really mad at Hades when a family member dies

-Everytime you play dodgeball, you bring a suit of armor.

-You go to San Fransisco looking for the Old Sea Man.

-Whenever your internet slows down, you yell at the sky and say "HERMES! WHY DO YOU LOVE ANNOYING ME?!"

-You pray to Athena when you don’t study for a math test.

-And when you flunk said test, you blame her irritation on Percabeth.

-You want Hephaestus to fix your iPod when it breaks.

-When someone gets married, you say: "I hope you shall not anger Hera"

-You cried when you finished TLO

-You eat, sleep, and breath Percabeth

-Every school book you own has PJO stuff scribbled on each page

-You're in love with a fictional character

-You and your BFF call yourselves Greeks because you sit around and talk about PJO

-You own homemade replicas of things from the PJO series

-You dream of going to Camp Half-Blood

-If you want to push Rachel Elizabeth Dare off a cliff

-You buy everything you see with an owl or trident on it.

-You yell “Burrito Fight!” whenever you’re in a Mexican restaurant.

-You checked to make sure your vice-principal doesn’t have a tail.

-You know which pages the good parts are on.

-You start hearing Percabeth in every song you hear.

-You started calling your dog Mrs. O’Leary.

-You start figuring out who your godly parent is.

-You never looked at a ballpoint pen the same way again.

-You have a plan to get out of school early on May 5th so you can buy The Last Olympian, read it, and still have time to do your homework.

-You ask the cashier at the store if they stock Mythomagic cards.

-You start doing pro/con lists in your head. During Math. When you’re supposed to be taking notes.

-You start spelling character names out of your spelling words.

-You start loving blue plastic hairbrushes and anyone who wields them.

-Each day you check every fan site you know of for new information.

-You try to figure out how much food dye you need to turn chocolate chip cookies blue.

-You make references to it in school reports and/or to friends that haven’t read it.

-The first thing you ask someone when you meet them is, “Have you read PJO?”

-On your trip to Washington D.C. you thought of Annabeth every time you saw a monument.

-You yell “Mizzenmast!” whenever you enter a boat.

-You have one (Or more) pictures relating to PJO in your room

-You know PJO better then most sane people

-You have links to every great PJO site

-You add things to the list every day

-You know what you would do if you were Percy

-You argue with your friends about if Nico should turn evil or not

-At least half of your friends have read all the PJO, or are going to in the very near future

-You wish you could find a rainbow to see if Iris messages work

-For April Fools, you put a piece of paper over a card/cards and told your friends that they were Myth-O-Magic cards and they understood

-Your friends all have a godly parent, and so do you, and your family, and your extended family, and your far, far, far away cuzs'

-You are trying to learn Greek

-You keep thinking about one of the PJO books when you go on a trip.

-Every language you know is some form of Ancient Greek.

-You shriek everytime you see a guy with black hair and green eyes

-You have an instant crush on Nico!

-You just have to research more about Greek Mythology

-You call up the Camp Half Blood number in LT.

-You want to learn Latin

-You copy/paste this onto your profile

-About 75-100 of your fics are PJO related, even if it is a cross over

-You have taken every test you can find about what demigodly parent you would/do/should have, and your friends have as well or are going to

-You make sure all of your friends (Or most of them), have an idea about what you say when talking about PJO

-Your friends (At least one), think you are obbsessed with PJO, and you agree

-A friend (or more), think you should start taking pills and/or going to a mental doctor, because you are so obsessed

-You have something on your school things (Or home things), that says 'Daughter (Or son if you're a guy) of God/goddess', and you don't even try to hide it, even if it says daughter of Name of unliked god/goddess

-You’re nodding and smiling when you read this

-You have done at least 15 (Or more) of the above things

-You are so obessed with PJO and the couple Percy-Annabeth, that you are proud to call yourselves supporters of Percabethism!

The Percy Jackson Oath:
I promise to remember Percy
Whenever I'm at sea
I promise to remember Annabeth
Whenever a spider comes after me
I promise to protect nature
For Grover's sake of course
I promise to remember Luke
When my heart fills with remorse
I promise to remember Chiron
Whenever I see a sign that says free 'pony ride'
I promise to remember Tyson
Whenever a friend says they'll stick by my side
I promise to remember Thalia
Whenever a friend is scared of heights
I promise to remember Clarisse
Whenever I see someone that gives me a fright
I promise to remember Bianca
Whenever I see a sister scold her younger brother
I promise to remember Nico
Whenever I see someone who doesn't get along with others
I promise to remember Zoë
Whenever I watch the stars
I promise to remember Rachael
Whenever I see a limo pass by my car
Yes I promise to love PJO
Wherever I may go
So that all may see my obsession
Because I know what the PJO lovers know!

Artemis Fowl Oath

I promise to remember Artemis

When I see a boy in front of a computer screen

I promise to remember Holly

When I see a rebel girl

I promise to remember Root

When I see a grumpy commander

I promise to remember Butler

When I see a giant

I promise to remember Trouble

When I see some one devil-may-care

I promise to remember Juliet

When I watch wrestling

Yes I promise to love Artemis Fowl

Wherever I may go

So that all may see my obsession

Because I know what the Fairy lovers know!

YOUR GUY SIDE:

X You love hoodies.
X You love jeans.
X Dogs are better than cats.
X It's hilarious when people get hurt.
X You've played with/against boys on a team.
X Shopping is torture.
X Sad movies suck.
You own/ed an X-Box.
Played with Hotwheel cars as a kid.
At some point in time you wanted to be a firefighter.
You own/ed a DS, PS2 or Sega.
You used to be obsessed with Power Rangers.
You watch sports on TV.
X Gory movies are cool.
X You go to your dad for advice.
X You own like a trillion baseball caps
You like going to high school football games.
X You cut your hair short
X Baggy pants are cool to wear.
X It's kinda weird to have sleepovers with a bunch of people.
X Green, black, red, blue, or silver are one of your favorite colors.
X You love to go crazy and not care what people think.
Sports are fun.
X Talk with food in your mouth-sometimes.
Sleep with your socks on at night--sometimes

TOTAL: 16

YOUR GIRL SIDE:
X You wear lip gloss/chap-stick.
You love to shop.
X You wear eyeliner.
You wear the color pink
X Go to your mom for advice.
X You consider cheer-leading a sport.
You hate wearing the color black.
You like hanging out at the mall.
X You like getting manicures and/or pedicures.
X You like wearing jewelry.
X Skirts are a big part of your wardrobe.
Shopping is one of your favorite hobbies.
You don't like the movie Star Wars.
X You were in gymnastics/dance.
X It takes you around/ more one hour to shower, get dressed, and make-up.
X You smile a lot more than you should.
X You have more than 10 pairs of shoes.
X You care about what you look like.
X You like wearing dresses when you can.
X You like wearing body spray/perfume/cologne.
X You love the movies.
X Used to play with dolls as little kid.
X Like putting make-up on someone else for the joy/joke of it
X Like being the star of every thing.
TOTAL: 18

A girl and guy were speeding over 100mph on a motorcycle

Girl: Slow down, I'm scared!

Guy: No, this is fun.

Girl: No, it's not. Please, I'm scared.

Guy: Then tell me you love me.

Girl: I love you, now slow down!

Guy: Now give me a big hug.

She gives him a big hug

Guy: Can you take off my helmet and put it on yourself, it's bothering me.

In the newspaper the next day, a motorcycle had crashed into a building because of break failure. Two people were on it and only one survived. The truth was that halfway down the road, the guy realized his break wasn't working but he didn't want the girl to know. Instead he had her hug him and tell him one last time that she loved him. Then he had her put on his helmet so that she could live. If you would do this for a loved one copy and paste

They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them,a day to love them, but then an entire lifetime to forget them.

50 Things You Didn't Know About Me Until You Read This!

IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?

Yes.

DO YOU HAVE A JOURNAL?

Yes but I don't write in it often.

DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT?

All the time!

WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?

YES! I WANT TO BUNGEE JUMP!!!

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?

UGH! CEREAL! YUCK!

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR?

Sorbet.

SHOE SIZE?

7 or 8.

RED OR PINK?

Red.

WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?

The boy I love.

DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO PUT THIS IN THERE PROFILE?

YES! Only if they want to though.

LAST THING YOU ATE?

A bread roll.

IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?

Emerald green.

FAVORITE SMELL?

Blossom.

WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?

My friend Annie.

DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU?

I copied this of someone who put me on author alerts... YUP!

FAVORITE DRINK?

Ginger beer or whiskey (I tend not to have a lot of the later).

FAVORITE SPORT?

Swimming..

DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?

No.

FAVORITE FOOD?

SALAD!!!! I LOVE SALAD!

SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDING?

Happy ending.

LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED AT THE MOVIE THEATRE?

The Voyage Of The Dawn Treader.

SUMMER OR WINTER?

Summer...and winter...but more summer

HUGS OR KISSES?

Kisses.

FAVORITE DESSERT?

ANYTHING!

If you could trade places with a celebrity for a day, who would you choose and why?

I wouldn't. I don't need to. I will be one.

If you could choose a movie to watch ever again, what would they be?

Pride and Prejudice and many others.

If someone told you had exactly 9 minutes to live, what would you do in those 9 minutes?

I would find the boy I love and make-out with him.

Describe your dream house.

Big. Very big. Big garden too. Also big swimming pool. Everything very big. Big.

What are your worst habits?

Itching my nose with my tongue...Don't ask!

Describe the saddest day of your life.

When something sad happens to me I don't feel sad. I feel nothing. Just numb. I wouldn't know.

What is your biggest regret?

Going on Facebook. Now my Internet access is restricted.

If you could choose only one music CD to ever listen to again, what would it be?

At the moment...Ria's Music Compilation Of All Music.

If you went to a beach and it turned out to be a nude beach, would you stay and go swimming? Would you swim nude?

EEWWW RUN AWAY AS FAST AS POSSIBLE!

Have you bought any new clothing items this week?

Yup. purple fishnets. Again don't ask.

What was the last thing you had to drink?

Orange juice.

What is the last thing you said aloud?

"I am saying something out-loud".

Name some people who made you smile today:

No people...My dogs however... Spider, Raymond, Grace, Luca

A teenage girl about 17 had gone to visit
some friends one evening
and time passed quickly as each shared
their various experiences of the past year.

She ended up staying longer than
planned, and had to walk home alone.
She wasn't afraid
because it was a small town and she lived
only a few blocks away.

As she walked along under the tall elm
trees, Diane asked God to keep her safe from
harm and danger.

When she reached the alley, which was a
short cut to her house, she decided to take it.

However, halfway down the alley she
noticed a man standing at the end as though he
were waiting for her.

She became uneasy and began to pray,
asking for
God's protection.

Instantly a comforting feeling of quietness
and security wrapped round her, she felt as
though someone was walking with her.

When she reached the end of the alley,
she walked right past the man and arrived
home safely.

The following day, she read in the
newspaper that a young girl had been raped in the same
alley just twenty minutes after she had been there.

Feeling overwhelmed by this tragedy and
the fact that it could have been her, she began to
weep.

Thanking the Lord for her safety and to
help this young woman, she decided to go to the
police station.

She felt she could recognize the man, so
she told them her story.

The police asked her if she would be
willing to look at a lineup to see if she could identify
him.

She agreed and immediately pointed out
the man she had seen in the alley the night
before.

When the man was told he had been
identified, he
immediately broke down and confessed.

The officer thanked Diane for her bravery
and asked if there was anything they could do
for her.

She asked if they would ask the man one
question.

Diane was curious as to why he had not
attacked her.

When the policeman asked him, he
answered, "Because she wasn't alone.
She had two tall men walking on either side of
her."

Amazingly, whether you believe or not,
you're never alone. Did you know that 98 of
teenagers will not stand up for God?

My name is Tiffany

I am three,

My eyes are swollen

I cannot see,

I must be stupid

I must be bad,

What else could have made

My daddy so mad?

I wish I were better

I wish I weren’t ugly,

Then maybe my mommy

Would still want to hug me.

I can’t do a wrong

I can’t speak at all

Or else I'm locked up

All day long.

When I'm awake I'm all alone

The house is dark

My folks aren’t home

When my mommy does come home

I'll try and be nice,

So maybe I'll just get

One whipping tonight.

I just heard a car

My daddy is back

From Charlie’s bar.

I hear him curse

My name is called

I press myself

Against the wall

I try to hide

From his evil eyes

I’m so afraid now

I’m starting to cry

He finds me weeping

Calls me ugly words,

He says its my fault

He suffers at work.

He slaps and hits me

And yells at me more,

I finally get free

And run to the door

He’s already locked it

And I start to bawl,

He takes me and throws me

Against the hard wall

I fall to the floor

With my bones nearly broken,

And my daddy continues

With more bad words spoken,

"I’m sorry!", I scream

But its now much to late

His face has been twisted

Into a unimaginable shape

The hurt and the pain

Again and again

O please God, have mercy!

O please let it end!

And he finally stops

And heads for the door

While I lay there motionless

Slumped on the floor

My name is Tiffany

I am three,

Tonight my daddy

Murdered me.

You can help people not miss

The story I have to share

And it will sicken me to the soul,

If you read this

and don’t pass it on

I pray for your forgiveness

Because you would have to be

One heartless person

To not be effected

By this Story

And because you are effected,

Do something about it!

So all I ask you to do

Is pass this on!

IF YOU ARE AGAINST CHILD ABUSE!!!!

Girl: Do I ever cross your mind?
Boy: No

Girl: Do you like me?
Boy: No

Girl: Do you want me?
Boy: No

Girl: Would you cry if I left?
Boy: No

Girl: Would you live for me?
Boy: No

Girl: Would you do anything for me?
Boy: No

Girl: Choose--me or your life
Boy: My life

The girl runs away in shock and pain and the boy runs after her and says...
The reason you never cross my mind is because you're always on my mind.
The reason why I don't like you is because I love you.
The reason I don't want you is because I need you.
The reason I wouldn't cry if you left is because I would die if you left.
The reason I wouldn't live for you is because I would die for you.
The reason why I'm not willing to do you anything for you is because I would do everything for you.
The reason I chose my life is because you ARE my life.

If you find this incredibly cute and touching, copy and paste it into your profile

Facts of Life

Being mature is overrated.

Being weird is like being normal, only better.

I'm not clumsy! The floor just hates me.

Boys are like lava lamps, fun to watch but not too bright.

One day, we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.

Silence is golden, duct tape is silver

Life is like a pack of gum . . . I've yet to figure out why.

Be insane . . . because well behaved girls never made history.

If your name is Mr.Crunch, and you joined the Navy, would you eventually be Captain Crunch?

Your weirdness is creeping my imaginary friend out.

A wise man once said, "Ask a girl."

To the world, you are just one person, but to one person, you are the world

One day your prince will come. Mine? Oh he took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions.

It’s always the last place you look. Of course it is why would I keep looking after I’ve found it?

Person #1: Happiness is just around the corner!
Person #2: Too bad the world is round!

Growing old is mandatory . . . growing up is optional . . .

We fall for stupid boys, we make lots of dumb mistakes, we like to act stupid, talk really fast, and laugh really loud. But we teenage girls are good at 2 things: Staying Strong, and Being Ourselves.

Life was so simple when boys had cooties!

Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young.

I'm not random, I just have many thougt- OH! A SQUIRREL!

There's nothing wrong with arguing with yourself. It's when you argue with yourself and LOSE when it's weird.

Organized people are just too lazy to look for things.

Pickles are cucumbers soaked in evil!

Don't run in the school hall, gliding is more fun!

The newscaster is the person who says "Good evening" and then tells you why it's not

Take my advice, I don't use it anyway.

When life gives you lemons, make grape juice, then watch the world wonder how you did it.

There's nothing that can't be fixed with: duct tape, chocolate, or by running it over.

My attention span is just short enough to annoy you and ignore you all at the same time.

I'm awesome. Agree or die.

An essay is an attempt to explain something that could have been said in two sentences

Life isn't passing me by. It's trying to run me over.

You call me a B well a B is a female dog. A dog barks. Bark is on trees. Trees are a part of nature. Nature is beautiful. So thanks for the compliment :D

Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.

My knight in shining armor turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil.

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you're a mile away and have their shoes

You say I'm not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I'm not cold, I'm hot. I know I'm hot. Thanks for embracing it

If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to hide the bodies of people I killed because they annoyed me.

Boys are like Slinky's... useless, but fun to watch fall downstairs

Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door.

Life isn't passing me by, it’s trying to run me over.

When you get caught looking at him just remember he was looking back.

It takes 42 muscles to frown, 28 to smile and only 4 to reach out and slap someone

I want to die like my grandmother died- asleep and at peace...not screaming like the passengers in her car.

People say "Guns don't kill people, People kill people!"
Well, I think guns help.
If you stood there and yelled Bang,
I don't think you'd kill too many people.

Suicide is like telling God you cant fire me, I quit

They laugh at me because I'm different I laugh at them because there all the same

Don't knock on deaths door, ring the doorbell and run! He hates that

All the good ones are either gay, married, or fictional characters in books or movies.

Having the love of your life say, "we can still be friends", is like having your dog die and your mom saying you can still keep it.

Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.

Come to the dark side. We have COOKIES

I stay as confused as a gangster with a skateboard

I ran with scissors, and lived!

You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder

"It doesnt matter whether the glass is half empty or half full,just drink it and get it over with."

"I'm not afraid of Death.What's he gonna do,kill me?"

You've got questions. We've got dancing paperclips

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.

Why is it called 'after dark' when it really is 'after light'?

He who laughs last didn't get it

Dear Heart, I met a boy today, prepare to shatter

"I'm not afraid of death i'm afraid of something much worse... my mother"

"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." -Dr Seuss

"Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die today."

"Life isn't about finding yourself. It's about creating yourself."

"Everything will be ok in the end and if it's not ok, it's not the end."

"You'll never leave where you are until you decide where you want to be."

"Take away love, and our earth is a tomb." -Robert Browning

Life sucks-Get over it!

Robbers stab you in the stomach. Boyfriends stab you in the heart. Friends stab you in the back. Best friends don't carry knives.

Comebacks to crappy pickup lines!-(Hilarious)

Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing".

Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."

Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter"

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized !"

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Perhaps. I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

FRIENDS/BEST FRIENDS

FRIENDS: Will comfort you when he rejects you.

BEST FRIENDS: Will go up and ask him, "It's because you're gay, isn't it?"

FRIENDS: Will be there for you when he breaks up with you.

BEST FRIENDS: Will call him up and whisper, "Be afraid! Be very afraid..."

FRIENDS: Helps you up when you fall.

BEST FRIENDS: Keeps on walking saying, "Walk much, dumb ass?"

FRIENDS: Helps you find your prince.

BEST FRIENDS: Kidnaps him and brings him to you.

FRIENDS: Will ask you if you're okay when you're crying.

BEST FRIENDS: Will laugh at you and say, "Ha Ha, Loser!"

FRIENDS: Will offer you a soda.

BEST FRIENDS: Will dump theirs on you.

FRIENDS: Will sit at the side of the pool with you at that time of the month.

BEST FRIENDS: Will throw you a tampon and push you in.

FRIENDS: Gives you their umbrella in the rain.

BEST FRIENDS: Takes yours and says, "Run my little retarded friend, run!"

FRIENDS: Will help you move.

BEST FRIENDS: Will help you move the bodies.

FRIENDS: Will bail you out of jail.

BEST FRIENDS: Would be in the room next to you saying, "That was awesome! Let's do it again!"

FRIENDS: Never ask for anything to eat or drink.

BEST FRIENDS: Helps themselves and are the reason why you have no food.

FRIENDS: Call your parents by Mr. and Mrs. and Grandpa, by Grandpa.

BEST FRIENDS: Call your parents DAD and MOM and Grandpa, GRAMPS!

FRIENDS: Would bail you out of jail.

BEST FRIENDS: Would be sitting next to you saying "DAMN! We messed up!"

FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.

BEST FRIENDS: Wont tell everyone else you cried...just laugh about it with you in private when your not down anymore.

FRIENDS: Asks you to write down your number.

BEST FRIENDS: Has you on speed dial.

FRIENDS: Borrows your stuff for a few days then gives it back.

BEST FRIENDS: Loses your stuff and tells you, "My bad...here's a tissue."

FRIENDS: Only know a few things about you.

BEST FRIENDS: Could write a very embarrassing biography on your life story...

FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing.

BEST FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds ass that left you

FRIENDS: Would knock on your front door.

BEST FRIENDS: Walk right in and say "I'M HOME."

FRIENDS: You have to tell them not to tell anyone.

BEST FRIENDS: Already know not to tell.

FRIENDS: May not last.

BEST FRIENDS: Are for life.

FRIENDS: Will be there to take your drink away from you when they think you've had enough.

BEST FRIENDS: Will look at you stumbling all over the place & say "Girl drink the rest of that ! You know we don't waste!

FRIENDS: Would read and ignore this.

BEST FRIENDS: Will repost this crap!

I OWE MY MOTHER

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going
to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of
the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up,
I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC. " Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and
break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear,
in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something
to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth
and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt
on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA"You'll sit there until all that
spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if
a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told
you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this
world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like
your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY. " There are millions of less
fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16 My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get
home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when
you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing
your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I
know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your
toes, don't come running to me. "

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your
vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do
you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll
understand."

25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE. "One day you'll
have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you".

YOU KNOW YOU'RE AN AUTHOR IF...

You talk to yourself a lot. (e.g. Hmm, what would happen if it was sunny the day Bella got hit by the van? Oh, story idea!! Must get computer!)
You talk to yourself about talking to yourself. (e.g. 'Why do I constantly ask my self random things?')
When you talk to yourself you often talk to yourself like you're talking to someone else. (e.g. 'Have you ever noticed that deliver could mean someones liver?')
After uttering a profound peice of wisdom like that above, you stare at the cookie in your hand with awe and say, "Wow, this stuff is great for sugar highs...'
You live off of sugar and caffeine (the two greatest things ever discovered!)
You'll check your e-mail every day of the week and then disappear off the face of the earth.
You're e-mails tend to be pages long and incredibly random.
When replying to an e-mail, you'll never actually address the point of it.
No matter where you are in a room you never have to get up to find a pen/pencil and paper.
The letters on your keyboard are wearing off. (once a key actually fell off!)
Your friends and family think that you have carpal tunnel syndrome.
People think you have A.D.D.
You think it'd be cool to have A.D.D.
You constantly start talking in third person, present or past tense.
You start thinking about making lists like this and start giggling for no "apparent" reason
Your friends stopped looking at you funny for no apparent reason a loooooong time ago.
And FINALLY, the one way to tell if you're a good writer: You failed English 101.

(copy that into you're profile if you fit one or more of the descriptions)

Lessons Learned in Twilight:

1. You can enjoy the bouquet while resisting the wine.
2. Men are crabby when they're hungry.
3. True love knows no boundaries.
4. Some people are just danger magnets.
5. Even eternal enemies can work together to save something they love.
6. Forget the fangs - real vampires sparkle!
7. Soul mates exist, even if it takes 100 years to find them.
8. Porshe 911 Turbos make really great bribes.
9. Family is about more than just blood.
10. "Vegetarian" has many meanings.
11. Even monsters can hold on to their humanity.
12. There are exceptions to every rule.
13. Always verify bad news before doing something stupid.
14. Hearing voices in your head doesn't necessarily mean you're crazy.
15. Love means being willing to sacrifice your happiness for anothers.
16. Cold hands = Warm heart.
17. Stupid lambs and masochistic lions make quite a pair.
18. Romeo was an idiot.
19. Extreme sports should not be attempted alone.
20. Love can make even the most miserable places paradise.

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ELECTION - RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

DAD'S RULES

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you don’t peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about the issue, so I propose this compromise: you may come to the door with you underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the courses of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four: I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a ‘Barrier Method’ of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and only word I need you to say on this subject is ‘early'.

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The Following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter. Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough too induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, mid-driff t shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater and a goose-parka, zipped up to her throat. Movies with strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided: movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folk’s homes are better.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shot gun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of our car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a nice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as a wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car- there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face in the window is mine.

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty
uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal
pweor of the hmuan mnid. Aoccdrnig to a
rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't
mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the
olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer
be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl
mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.
Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed
ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
Amzanig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas thought slpeling
was ipmorantt! tahts so cool! I msut do tihs mroe otefn.

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10 Ways to Annoy Carlisle Cullen:

10. Tell him only to address you in a cute English accent.

9.Call him Carlisle, but be sure to pronounce the “s”. When he corrects you, give him a weird look and tell him the “q” is silent.

8.Ask if blonde's really do have more fun.

7. Inquire as to what he actually does on his night shift on the hospital, with all the pretty nurses in the ER.

6. Instead of telling him to “get lost” in an argument, tell him to swim to France.

5. When he annoys you, respond with “times have changed, old man”.

4. Ask what type of superhuman power compassion is – what does he do in a fight? Love thy enemy to death?

3. Leap out from behind the desk in his study when he isn’t expecting it and spray him with Holy Water.

2.Call him McSteamy or McDreamy.

And the Number One way to annoy Carlisle Cullen?

1. Run around the Emergency Room screaming “I’ve been bitten! I’ve been bitten!”

10 Ways to Annoy Jasper Hale:

10. Beg him not to eat you.

9. Inform him that he seems to be the “depressed” Cullen.

8. Go up to him, look him in the eye and ask if he is hungry.

7.Spell his name with two “a”’s (Jaspar) and call him JasparCullen. When he objects, saying his name is Jasper Hale, wave your hand at him and tell him all that blood must have gone to his brain.

6. Tell him only girls feel emotions. Then giggle and run away.

5. Dress up in a cape and fangs and leap out in front of him when he is least expecting it, proclaiming you have come to suck his blood.

4. Send out waves of lust and see how he reacts.

3. When he gets too close made your fingers into the sign of the cross and cry, “The power of Christ compels you!”.

2. Splatter red paint all over his and Alice’s room and videotape his reaction.

And the Number One way to annoy Jasper Hale?

1. Whenever he says anything, snap to attention, shout “Sir, yes sir!” and salute, army style.

10 Ways to Annoy Edward Cullen:

10. Sing “Discovery Channel” by the Bloodhound Gang in your head whenever he is near.

9.Hot-wire his Volvo and take it on a joyride.

8. Tell him the relationship he is having with Bella is practically pedophilia and he could be sent to jail for it.

7. Ask how Tanya is.

6. End every argument with “Bite me, Edward.”

5. Call him Romeo both behind his back and to his face.

4. Whenever he complains or argues, reply with “What are you gonna do Edward? Go to Italy?”

3.Tell him his hair isn’t bronze, it’s ginger, and he should stop denying himself – he’s a ranga.

2.Whenever he leaves a room or says goodbye, get down on your knees and beg him not to go, not again.

And the Number One way to annoy Edward Cullen?

1.Take his silver cell phone and change the ring-tone to “Like a Virgin” by Madonna.

10 ways to annoy Emmett Cullen:

10. Tell him he looks like a creepy stalker rapist.

9. Inform him, as politely as possible, that he has grizzly in his teeth.

8. Ask who wears the pants in his relationship.

7. Try to stab him through the heart with a stake.

6.Tell him brawn is out, scrawn is in.

5. Inquire as to how he feels to be the least-liked Cullen male.

4. When he is around, wonder aloud what Rosalie calls him in bed.

3. Ask if he is overcompensating for something with that jeep.

2. Ask if he is overcompensating for something with those muscles

And the Number One way to annoy Emmet Cullen?

1.When he denies the above-to claims, respond with "That's not what Rosalie saaaaaid!"

10 ways to annoy Alice Cullen:

10. Take her credit cards and shopping vouchers, hold them above your head and tell her to "Jump for them."

9. Tell her if she were just a few centimeters shorter she could legally be a midget.

8. Wear the trashiest possible clothing whenever you can.

7.ask her what the answer to NR. 7 is

6. When you go into the sun with her, fall into a twitching heap on the ground and moan "I'm melting."

5. Pelt her with cloves of garlic.

4.When she gets a vision, ask if her "spidey senses" are tingling

3. Trip her and ask her if she saw it coming.

2. Ask her what you will be doing in five minutes every ten minutes.

And the Number One way to annoy Alice Cullen?

1.E-mail her dozens of application forms for the position of speaker on psychic hotlines.

10 ways to annoy Bella Swan:

10. Ask about Eric.

9. Ask about Mike.

8. Ask about Jacob.

7. Ask about Edward.

6. After asking about all these boys, inquire as to how much she is paying them, and where in the white pages she looked for fake fan boys.

5. When she complains about not being a vampire, throw glitter on her and claim she sparkles just like a vampire in the sun.

4.Ask if the thought of Edward biting her makes her... happy.

3. Say that since Edward is technically dead, she is into necrophilia. Tell her that is sick and wrong and, she should stop with her weird fetishes.

2. Tell her we all know the real reason she married Edward- the honeymoon.

And the Number One way to annoy Bella Swan?

1. Tell her that you and Jacob imprinted on each other, and are getting married. Tell her you are pregnant, and will be with him forever. Video tape the reaction.

10 Ways to Annoy Rosalie Hale:

10. Tell her that, because everyone thinks she and Jasper are twins, they should get together. When she asks why, say that Incest is in at the moment.

9. Call her “Ice Queen” behind her back and to her face.

8. Whenever she argues anything, respond with “Whatever, bimbo.”

7. Claim that being a human ain’t so great.

6. When she argues the above claim, respond with “Whatever, bimbo.”

5. Try to exorcise her and her evil ways.

4. Tell everyone that Edward didn’t go to Italy because Rosalie said Bella was dead – he went to Italy because he envisioned Rosalie’s ugly face.

3.Call her “Hoe-salie” at least once, to her face.

2. Remind her that Edward chose a pathetic human girl over her.

And the Number One way to annoy Rosalie Hale?

1.Steal her silver cell phone and change the ring-tone to “Roxanne” by The Police. When she asks why the hell you did it, say that she reminds you of Roxanne.

10 Ways to Annoy Esme Cullen:

10.Let it slip what Carlisle really does during his night shifts at the hospital, with all of the pretty nurses.

9. Tell her all about the names of your future children, when you want to have them, what genders you want them to be, etc.

8. Ask her if her hair looks like caramel, does it taste like caramel?

7.Politely ask if Carlisle asks her to dress up as “Nurse Naughty” in the bedroom and if he demands she calls him “Doctor Dreamy”

6.Tell her that Carlisle is much too old for her, and that he is clearly a cradle-snatcher or pedophile.

5. Take a chunk of her hair, put it in a blender with milk and hand back the final product, claiming it’s a caramel milkshake.

4.Tell her what the nurses at the hospital really think of Carlisle – then smudge lipstick on Carlisle’s shirt collar and spray him with perfume. Laugh loudly when Esme notices, and videotape the reaction.

3.Ask if she likes Carlisle’s cute little English accent. When she says she loves everything about Carlisle, call her an “uncultured swine” and storm off.

2. Inquire as to how she jumped off a cliff and survived. When she can’t answer, ask if she is secretly Batman.

And the Number One way to annoy Esme Cullen?

1.Anonymously send her a package of baby clothing in the mail.

10 Ways to Annoy Jacob Black:

10. Never use English around him – instead, bark.

9. Call him a space heater.

8. Tell him that dogs make good pets, not good partners.

7.Ask him if he has RSVP-ed to the wedding yet.

6. Inform him that real men sparkle.

5. Walk up to him and claim you have imprinted. Say you love him and demand his paw in marriage.

4. Tell him that even though he may run at a boiling 108.9 degrees, Bella doesn’t find him hot.

3. Inquire as to how Leah is… and if he dreams about Sam the way Leah dreams about Bella.

2. Ask him if he likes to do things… doggy style.

And the Number One way to annoy Jacob Black?

1. Make him a day-by-day flip calendar, counting down the amount of time Bella will remain human.

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