HI! welcome to the madhouse! feel free to make yourself at home and enjoy my sarcasm along the way :)

now for the fun-yet-anoying profile stuff!

If you have ever forgotten what you were going to say, right before you say it, copy this into your profile.

A large percent of authors do not know the difference between 'your' and 'you're'. If you do know the difference, copy and paste this to your profile.

If you are crazy and/or insane and proud of it copy and paste this onto your profile.

80 Things To Do In An Elevator

1. Crack open your briefcase or handbag, peer inside and ask "Got enough air in there?"

2. Stand silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.

3. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you're embarrassed when they open themselves.

4. Greet everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.

5. Meow occasionally.

6. Stare at another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: "You're one of THEM!" - and back away slowly.

7. Say "DING!" at each floor.

8. Say "I wonder what all these do?" and push all the red buttons.

9. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

10. Stare grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: "I have new socks on."

11. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask: "Is that your beeper?"

12. Try to make personal calls on the emergency phone.

13. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: "This is my personal space."

14. When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you.

15. As you are coming to the end of the journey, get emotional and have a group hug. Tell them that you will never forget them.

16. Ask if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.

17. Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say "Hi Greg, How's your day been?"

18. Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: "That's mine!"

19. Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.

20. Pretend you're a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

21. Swat at flies that don't exist.

22. Call out "Group hug!" then enforce it.

23. Make car race noises when someone gets on or off.

24. Congratulate all for being in the same lift with you.

25. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you just shut UP!"

26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.

27. While the doors are opening, hurriedly whisper, "Hide it...quick!" then whistle innocently.

28. Let your cell phone ring - don't answer it.

29. Walk into the lift and say "This reminds me of being buried alive. Ah, those were the days..."

30. Take shoes off before entering. Then look shocked and disgusted when the others don't.

31. Ask people which floor they want, say in 'Who want to be a millionaire' style is that your final answer.

32. Also in your bellboy act, ask what floor they want. Whatever they say, give them a glare and say "you should be ashamed of yourself!", and leave the lift tutting.

33. Ask, "Did you feel that?"

34. Tell people that you can see their aura.

35. When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic, they open up again."

36. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."

37. Dress up in a long, black cloak with a hood, stare and in a deep voice announce "It is time..."

38. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.

39. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.

40. Sell Girl Scout cookies.

41.On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.

42. Shave.

43. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

44. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"

45. One word: Flatulence!

46. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.

47. Do Tai Chi exercises.

48. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, darn motion sickness!"

49. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

50. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"

51. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.

52. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.

53. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.

54. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"

55. Leave a box between the doors.

56. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.

57. Start a sing-along.

58. Play the harmonica.

59. Lean against the button panel.

60. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

61. Bring a chair along.

62. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"

63. Blow spit bubbles.

64. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.

65. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.

66. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at the passengers.

67. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."

68. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"

69. Bring a water pistol. Soak everyone's shoes.

70. Start brushing off invisible bugs from your arms, screaming "Aaughh! Get them off!"

71. Challenge your neighbor to a "Tic-Tac-Toe" tournament.

72. Laugh hysterically for five seconds, stop, and glare at the other passengers like they are crazy.

73. Charge into the elevator dripping wet, holding a towel and wearing only a bath robe.

74. Mutter something about how husbands/wives always come home early just when it's getting to the good part.

75. Make chalk drawings on the walls.

76. As the elevator is going up, jump violently up and down, shouting "Down! I said down, darn it!"

77. Crouch in one corner and growl menacingly at everyone who gets on.

78. Try to get a game of "Twister" going.

79. Wrinkle your nose and smell the air repeatedly. Sniff at your neighbor suspiciously, give a disgusted frown, and take a step away.

80. Look around in a wild manner, then scream "THE SUGAR ANTS, THEY'RE EVERYWHERE!!!!!"

Guy: Where have you been all my life? Girl: Hiding from you.

Guy: Haven't I seen you someplace before? Girl: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Guy: Is this seat empty? Girl: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Guy: Your place or mine? Girl: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Guy: So, what do you do for a living? Girl: I'm a female impersonator.

Guy: Hey baby, what's your sign? Girl: Do not enter.

Guy: I would go to the end of the world for you. Girl: But would you stay there?

Guy: If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put u and i together Girl: Really? 'Cause I'd put i at the beginning and u at the end.

Guy: Your eyes they're amazing. Girl: Seeing your back would be pretty amazing.

Guy: I'd like to call you. What's your number? Girl: It's in the phone book

Guy: I know how to please a woman Girl: Then please leave me alone

Guy: I can tell you want me Girl: Ohhhh, you’re so right, I want you to leave

Guy: If you were a hamburger at McDonalds you would be McGorgeous Girl: Would that be under your McLame Burger

Guy: Did it hurt when you fell out of heaven Girl: Not nearly as bad as when you fell on planet rejection

Guy: Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again Girl: No, but sure...next time just be sure to keep walking

Guy: I want to give myself to you Girl: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts

Guy: It's a good thing I have a library card because I'm checking you out Girl: Sorry, I'm on reserve for someone else

"Lasers! He has lasers!" Nightwing

"No juice for you!" Ben Tennyson

"Evil beware, we have waffles." Raven, Teen Titans

"If like is the opposite of dislike, is aster the opposite of disaster?" Robin

"I feel naked and not in a fun way." Artemis

"Then get traught or get dead." Robin

Really Dumb Store labels:

On a Myer hairdryer:
"Do not use while sleeping." (Darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Chips:
"You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside." (The shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Palmolive soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap." (And that would be how??)

On some frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestion: Defrost." (But, it's just a suggestion).

On Nanna's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):
"Do not turn upside down". (Well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating". (And you thought...??)

On packaging for a K-Mart iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body." (But wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year olds with head colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness." (One would hope.)

On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only." (As opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor:
"Not to be used for the other use." (I gotta admit, I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
"Warning: contains nuts." (Talk about a news flash.)

On artificial bacon:
"Real artificial bacon bits". (So we don't get fake fake bacon. Oh no we get real fake bacon.)

On a child's superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly". (Just shows how stupid some people are. The company has to put that there to stop lawsuits)

On a package of pasta after the cooking insturctions:
"Put on fork and eat." (No! Really? We eat food?!)

On a Korean kitchen knife:
"Warning: keep out of children." (hmm..something must have gotten lost in the translation)

On T-Rat (Military food):
"It's not for Human Consumption, Animals and Military Use only." (guess that proves the use of androids in the military)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: open packet, eat nuts." (somebody got paid big bucks to write this one..)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands." (Raise your hand if you've tried this.)

On a Japanese soft dink:
"For even more delicous this drink, chill before drinking. (Ummmmmmm...)

On a motorized scooter box:
"Warning: This vehicle moves." (I think it's called a MOTORIZED SCOOTER for a reason.)

Komatsu Floodlight
"This floodlight is capable of illuminating large areas, even in the dark" (Why did I buy it again?)

Earplugs
"These earplugs are nontoxic, but they may interfere with breathing if caught in windpipe." (Are you sure? Lets experiment.)

RCA television remote control
"Not dishwasher safe." (Really? Great! That's the last time I try cleaning it!)

Road sign
"Caution: water on road during rain." (Gasp!)

Dog food
"new and improved tasting" (who tests it?)

Hair coloring
"Do not use as an ice cream topping." (Okay, who's the idiot who tried that?)

Liquid plummer
"Do not reuse the bottle to store beverages." (ohhh beverages big word)

Arm and hammer scoopable cat litter
"safe to use around pets" (Are you sure?)

20 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time , Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label it " In".

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks , Write "For Smuggling Diamonds".

7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy".

8. Don't use any punctuation. 9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go".

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital. And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area and Play tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In the Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!"

18. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot Yelling "Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity post this on your profile!!!