Just some random hilarity

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (that's the only time I have to work on my hair!).

On a bag of Fritos! ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how?...)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought?...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and.. .I'm taking this because?...)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (well no shit sherlock!)

On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands." (...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity copy and paste this into your profile! XD

20 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point your Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In".

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds."

7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

8. Don't use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip! Rather Than Walk.

10. With a serious face, order a diet water whenever you go out to eat.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme.

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not "In The Mood."

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won, I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

20. Whenever someone you don't particularly like, or even if you do, touches you, recoil and look at them disgustedly while screeching at the top of your lungs: "It Burns us! It Burns us!"

A Long Hilarious Quote

You're mine now, Harry thought at the walls of Diagon Alley, and all the shops and items, and all the shopkeepers and customers; and all the lands and people of wizarding Britain, and all the wider wizarding world; and the entire greater universe of which Muggle scientists understood so much less than they believed. I, Harry James Potter-Evans-Verres, do now claim this territory in the name of Science.

Lightning and thunder completely failed to flash and boom in the cloudless skies.

"What are you smiling about?" inquired Professor McGonagall, warily and wearily.

"I'm wondering if there's a spell to make lightning flash in the background whenever I make an ominous resolution," explained Harry. He was carefully memorising the exact words of his ominous resolution so that future history books would get it right.

"I have the distinct feeling that I ought to be doing something about this," sighed Professor McGonagall.

"Ignore it, it'll go away. Ooh, shiny!" Harry put his thoughts of world conquest temporarily on hold and skipped over to a shop with an open display, and Professor McGonagall followed.

QUOTES

I will not give Hagrid Pokmon cards and convince him that they are real animals

-Likewise, I will not tell First Year Muggle-borns that Pokmon battles are a part of the Care of Magical Creatures curriculum

When called upon in class, I shall not insist that the correct answer to everything is '42'.

I've gone to find myself. If I get back before I return, keep me here

My voices tell me that your voices are dorks.

"It's not my fault you didn't account for my awesomeness."

He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.

Why do we call them buildings when they're finished? Shouldn't they be called Builts?

Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Computers will never take the place of books. You can't stand on a floppy disk to reach a high shelf.

If our constitution allows us free speech, why are there phone bills?

Doing nothing is very hard to do, you never know when you're finished.

My imaginary friend thinks you have serious problems.

"I had a pet rock once. It died."

At precisely ten minutes to Too-Goddamn-Early-In-The-Morning

I’m not tense, I’m horribly, horribly aware.

'Those who say nothing is impossible have never tried to slam a revolving door.'

'Do not even attempt to flame me, as I assure you I will gut you and decorate your corpse with your intestines like a Christmas tree -- verbally, if I can't track you down.'

'It is home-made...Just not in my home.'

'It's not paranoia if you know they are out to get you.'

'Whilst being eternally positive may not get you anywhere in life, the people it annoys along the way will make it worth it'

"Now, I understand that you're a very violent person." Mrs. Bates said, consulting her notes.
"That is correct." Voldemort said, putting on his Scooby Doo slippers and sitting down in front of Mrs. Bates.
"So, why don't we try to find the root of that problem." She said.
"What problem?" Voldemort asked, furrowing his brow.
"Your violence problem." Mrs. Bates said slowly.
"That's not a problem!" Voldemort laughed. "It's the solution to my problems."

"I never trust something that bleeds 4-5 days of every month and doesn't die."

"I never argue with an idiot, they drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience."

"If 'poli' means 'many', and tics are bloodsucking parasites, what does that make politics?"

"Note to Self: NAZIS do not appreciate dumb-blonde jokes."

"I'll stop laughing when it stops being funny"

"What weight does law and order really command when free tacos are on the line?"

"You think killing people might make them like you but it doesn't, it just makes people dead."

'The only difference between genius and stupidity, is that genius has limits.'

"In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."

"Are you insane? Of course I want to leave the Dursleys! Have you got a house? When can I move in?"

"I don't go looking for trouble. Trouble usually finds me."

"For a moment, nothing hapenned. Then, after a second or so, nothing continued to happen."

"Proud?" said Harry. "Are you crazy? All those times I could've died, and I didn't manage it? They'll be furious..."

"This is night, Diddykins. That's what we call it when it goes all dark like this."

“I'm a girl."
When Deryn opened her eyes, the lady boffin was staring at her with no change of expression.
"Indeed," she said.
Deryn's mouth feel open. "You mean you...Did you barking know?"
"I had no idea at all. But I make it a policy never to appear surprised." Dr. Barlow sighed, staring out the window. "Though on this occasion, it is proving rather more demanding than usual. A girl, you say? And you're quite certain?”

“Have a little faith in me, Volger."
"I have great faith, tempered with vast annoyance.”

“Oh, this beast? It's...perspicacious loris. 'Perspicacious' meaning 'wise or canny'."
"Get stuffed," Bovril said, then giggled.
"And it insults people," Telsa said. "How peculiar.”

'Miss Rogers waved a hand. "But Mr. Hearst just wants a dramatic story. If the rebels destroy us, he'll get no story at all!"
"Aye, but has anyone explained that to the barking rebels?"
"These are civilized rebels, young man. They have movie deals!"
"That's no guarantee of sanity!”

“But they're already singing our praises!"
"They are Americans. They toot their horns for anything.”

“It's just the way things are." she shrugged. "It's no one's fault."
"Or everyone's.”

“You're insane!" she shouted.
"Pretty cool, huh?"
"No!"Tally yelled. "Why didn't you tell me it was broken?"
Shay shrugged. "More fun that way?"
"More fun?" Her heart beating fast,her vision strangely clear. She was full of anger and relief and...joy.
"Well, kind of. But you suck!”

“I can’t imagine anything worse than being required to have fun.”

"Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss."

“Let me get this straight, Aya-Chan. You want me, a person who can't lie, to lie about the fact that I can't lie?"

“At least one thing was consistent about her life: It just kept on getting more complicated.”

“And a special thanks for not burning up the whole ship. Including yourself, you daft bum-rag.”

"Anderson, don't talk out loud. You lower the IQ of the whole street."

"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."

“Left alone, human beings are a plague. They multiply relentlessly, consuming every resource, destroying everything they touch.”

“You'd think that in a fight, NOT MOVING would be a bad habit!”

“I go where the lizards tell me.”

“Even a stopped clock is right twice a day.”

“Deryn felt brilliant, rising through the air at the center off everyone's attention, like an acrobat aloft on a swing. She wanted to make a speech:
Hey, all you sods, I can fly and you can't! A natural airman, in case you haven't noticed. And in conclusion, I'd like to add that I'm a girl and you can all get stuffed!”

“I expect that you must receive top marks at school, young lady,"
Madeleine smiled as she stirred her tea. "There are always rewards for those who state the obvious frequently and with conviction.”