Disclaimer for all stories (since I'll probably forget to write them in): I don't own Harry Potter, Star Wars, or any other book/movie/etc.

Truly stupid things found on other things.

On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(And that would be how?)

On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's 'just' a suggestion!)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! you lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)(Whose body?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(hmm...something must have gotten lost in the translation...)

On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)

On a food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(but no peas?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(Somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
(Raise your hand if you've tried this...)

On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)

On a hotel-provided shower cap box:
Fits one head.

On a hair straightener: Do not use in water. (Yes, because I always straighten my hair when I'm taking a bath.)

On a sunflower seed packet: This is not a peanut product. (I always thought peanuts came from sunflowers until now, of course.)

Paradoxes of the English Language:

There's no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins weren't invented in England, or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, and two geese. So one moose, and two meese, and one index, and two indices?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? That you comb through the annals of history but not a single annal?

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?

Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love?

Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all).

That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it!

One is for Bad News,

Two is for Mirth,

Three is for a Wedding,

Four is for a Birth.

Five is for Riches,

Six is for a Thief,

Seven is for a Journey,

Eight is for Grief.

Nine is a Secret,

Ten is for Sorrow,

Eleven is for Love,

And Twelve is for Tomorrow.

A Gryffindor will jump off a cliff.
A Slytherin will push someone else off.
A Hufflepuff will call in five hundred other Hufflepuffs,& they'll carve a stairway.
And a Ravenclaw will get hold of a flying carpet.

--Gryffindors rush in where angels fear to tread--

A Very Long HP Quote:

"Where has Kreacher gone off to, anyway?" Harry asked Ron. "I haven't seen him since we got here."

"We're better off that way, if you ask me." Ron said, cringing. "I'd rather hate to catch him snogging Sirius' dad's trousers, again."

"A sexually frustrated house-elf- now I have heard everything!" Draco said bleakly. "Is there anything else I should know about, seeing as I am stuck at this funny-farm for the remainder of summer?"

"Mundungus Fletcher is slanging shoddy cauldrons out the back door." Harry said dryly.

"Firebolt knock-offs, too." Ron added. "They're really Comet Two-Sixties, with a new paint job and the serial number charmed off."

"Perfectly normal." Draco said tightly, raising an eyebrow. "So that's it, then? No Dementors in the basement or anything?"

"Oh no, Harry's allergic." Ron quipped.

"That's right, I forgot." Draco said, almost smuggly. "Dragons on the roof, then?"

"Only when Charlie is in town." Ron said.

"Anything else?" Draco sounded weary.

"A werewolf lives here part-time." Harry said.

"Lupin." Draco pulled a face. "Of course." He sighed. "That it, then? No more surprises?"

"I caught Dumbledore shagging McGonagall." Ron offered.

"Morgana's Rosy Bum!" Draco swore. "That is the most disgusting thing I have ever heard!"

Draco looked back and forth between Harry and Ron, who seemed totally unaffected.

"You know what, Potter?" Draco sputtered. "This is a madhouse!"

"You know, I think you might be right, Malfoy." Ron said. (I'm pretty sure this is from phoenix song, but I could be mistaken...)

Story Ideas/Challenges I Stole From Other People (as of 8/30/12, pstibbons, Escoger):

These are stories that I'd really like to read. If anyone finds/writes something listed here, I would be extremely grateful if they took the time to PM me the title.

Put Your Heads Together

Lily discovers during her seventh year that there is a charm on the Head Students' Lounge to ensure that the two occupants fall in love with each other. The story must end Lily/Severus. Your call as to whether you want to make the charm cast by Dumbledore, Sirius, James or someone else.

The Raven Prince

During the Sorting Ceremony, when Lily is sorted into Gryffindor, Severus quickly realizes that his chances of remaining friends with Lily will be greatly reduced if he's sorted into Slytherin. He ends up in Ravenclaw instead. He should still pursue Dark Magic - in fact, he learns more of it in Ravenclaw than he ever would have in Slytherin. The Marauders still attack him, Lily still worries for his Dark leanings, but Dumbledore and other teachers and students are less likely to give him up as a lost cause. Must end up Lily/Severus.

Streets Ahead

We know very little about Hermione's parents in canon. We see them a couple of times, but most of our knowledge of them comes from Hermione's words. Jo treats the Grangers like non-entities - so take this a step further and make them non-existent. In other words, Hermione is like Tom Riddle - an orphan. She grows up on the street or in an orphanage. It is your choice as to how different from canon she is as a result - if at all. Remember that Hermione is quite capable of lying and misleading and keeping secrets. How would Harry react if he found out? What if Hermione was friends/allies with some other fellow streetkid/orphanage resident who was at Hogwarts?

The Ghost Girl

Hermione is killed by the troll in first year, but isn't going to let a little thing like death interfere with her education.

The Effects of Simple Gratitude

In an alternate world, Harry Potter remembered to thank Severus for saving his life after his first year, something which Severus never would have expected from the boy. Confused, he keeps a closer eye on him, eventually realizing that he might have misjudged Harry, not that he'd ever let anyone know. In repayment, he gives Harry confusing advice during his more difficult trials.

Ideally, canon events should occur similarly, but with mild changes resulting from Severus' enigmatic help (To make more interesting, have this affect Harry's romantic relationships in some way, perhaps having him end up with someone different from Ginny as a result of the older man's help--No slash though). Severus should die at approximately the same time in canon, but when he dies, he receives the deserving admiration of the boy he had always tried to help, both knowing that Lily would be proud of him... (Severus...Canon pairing, Harry/anyfemale)

Dark Purity

While Dumbledore, Severus and Harry make preparations for the endgame, in Harry's sixth year, in another world a woman driven to darkness by the loss of her love has attempted to bring him back through a necromantic ritual the power of which has never been seen before. Instead of bringing her love to life though, the half-mad Lily Evans has crossed to this world instead. However, she has her own dark agenda beyond rescuing Severus, intending to burn the wizarding world to the ground in the name of her own twisted goals... (Severus/Lily, perhaps...)

Some of My Pet Peeves in Fanfiction Stories/This Site: (if anyone really cares)

1) People deleting their stories. Now, I'm not saying that authors shouldn't take down stories that they don't like anymore, but it is incredibly irritating to go looking for a story that I favorited, only to find out that it has been deleted. Maybe it's just because I have so many favorites, but just finding out what happened to the story is hard, not to mention the annoyance of not being able to read it. If I'm looking for a story, I often don't remember what the name of it is, or have got the name wrong. This means that I first have to look through a hundred or so stories to find what I'm looking for even if the story is still there--which I don't actually mind. What I do mind is having to look through all of my favorite stories trying to find the one particular story I want to read (and for Harry Potter stories, that's over 800) and then look through them again in case I missed it, and then look through all my favorite authors, and then try searching, using gradually more general search terms, for half an hour or more, then looking through the favorites of authors with similar stories in my favorites list, then searching again... then reluctantly concluding that the story has been deleted--and I still don't know for sure. If an author wants to delete a story, then that is his/her prerogative, but some people might want to read that story, and be disappointed that it's gone. One suggestion would be to post a notice at the beginning of a story that you don't like it and recommend that no one read it, instead of deleting it. Another suggestion is PMing anyone with that story or you (the author) favorited, either asking whether or not they think the story should be deleted, or telling them that it will be deleted in a month (or a couple of weeks, or a year, or whatever) and saying that they can archive it if they still want to read it.

2) OK, my second pet peeve is Harry Potter-specific: calling people who can speak to snakes Parseltongues. The word is Parselmouths, as in Parselmouths can speak Parseltongue.

3) Another Harry Potter-specific one, this time about the communities. There are more than 7,500 Harry Potter communities, all, according to the site, in English--this despite quite a few of them having titles, summaries, and all the stories in the community in a different language. Now, I have nothing against different languages--but I don't speak one, and there are quite enough communities to sort through without the ones in languages I can't read. I've been browsing through the communities looking for stories, and it would be much easier and faster if communities in different languages were marked as such, so that I could filter them out and not have to waste my time looking at communities that are no use to me.

Why everyone around Harry is not, in fact, manipulating him:
This is where I'm going to post my explanations for why all the cannon "evidence" that fanfiction authors use to bash characters they don't like is not, in fact, valid in the cannon universe. I don't mean to offend anyone, and I quite like some bashing, but the extent to which it is taken can get a bit ridiculous--so here are my explanations for why characters aren't evil, manipulative in the extreme, and/or out to get Harry killed for their own gain. Note: these are my explanations, not Rowling's. I will be posting them as they occur to me/as I get frustrated enough to actually sit down and type them.

Ginny's line from HBP: "I knew you wouldn't be happy unless you were hunting Voldemort. Maybe that's why I like you so much."

This line is used a lot to show that Ginny's just a fangirl who doesn't know Harry at all--and it's good for that. However, I disagree that it has to be interpreted as 'Harry is a hero, which is why Ginny likes him.' An interpretation that is just as, if not more, valid, is 'Harry is a good, kind person, who can't be happy leaving others to suffer, especially when he knows that he can stop it. These intrinsic, positive character traits are a reason Ginny likes him.' In other words, Ginny likes him because he's a good person, not because he's a hero.

Population of the Wizarding World:

In the course of working on a long Harry Potter story, I decided to figure out the approximate population of the wizarding world in 1991. The results were astounding enough that I decided to post what I did.

This problem assumes that there are 1000 children at Hogwarts, and that those are all the wizarding children in the UK (which balances out since there are a few children that don't go to Hogwarts, but my equation counts the parents of muggleborns as wizards), that the average lifespan of a wizard is 150 years (which, considering Bathilda Bagshot, is more reasonable than it sounds, if slightly high), that wizards are not included in muggle population estimates, and that every country has about the same ratio of wizards to muggles.

(1000 children/7 years)(150 years)=number of wizards in the UK in 1991

(number of wizards in UK in 1991)/(number of muggles in UK in 1991)=ratio of wizards/muggles

(ratio of wizards/muggles)(world population in 1991)=2.018 million wizards in the world in 1991...which is less than one third the population of London in that year.

Think about it.