Autobiography: Polly Jean was born in the humble country of Zimbabwe to a happy tribe of native cave dwellers. From a young age, she was told stories of how the native tigers, monkeys, lions, giraffes, and penguins came from all over Africa to bless the birth of the new "daughter of the wild". (This has since been a point of confusion for Polly Jean because it has become known that penguins are not native to Africa). Polly Jean was a fast learner and became the leading hunter in the tribe at the young age of 4 and a half. She also became a skilled leatherworker and began selling her homemade handicrafts to her tribe mates, amassing a small fortune. Sadly, though, at the age of 13, Polly Jean was taken from her home by an invading force of UN relief agents. She soon found herself in a strange place: the suburbs of Northern Virginia. At first, Polly Jean felt lost and confused; she missed her days of hunting and playing mancala with her Zimbabwe animal friends. Soon though, Polly Jean discovered a magical world called the Internet. She has since then devoted her hours to research of pop culture and social issues. In her free times, she gardens and provides marriage counseling for underprivileged bird couples. (This is a load of crap, by the way. I hate gardening).

REAL Autobiography: I grew up in our nation’s capital. I moved to the South two years ago, and basically went through hell down there. But, no worries. Now I'm at a small private college in New England, for which I am exceedingly grateful.

I appreciate dark, dry humor, sarcasm, and people who are intellectually curious.

Things that I believe: the egg came first, Tim Burton is a genius, The Beatles are obnoxious (except for their songs Eleanor Rigby and We Can Work it Out), God is real, disorder in this world will get worse (consult the Second Law of Thermodynamics), the Cosa Nostra is fascinating, Eric Bana is one of our best actors, Breyers has the best ice cream, anorexia is not merely an attempt to be thin, pens are better than pencils, Ellen Degeneres is one funny woman, RENT and Wicked are some of our best musicals, Gilmore Girls is one of our best dramedies, Angelina Jolie is one of the most misunderstood celebrities, Deer Park water is delicious, Neil Peart is the best drummer to have graced this planet, Texas Instruments make the best calculators, Andrey Lloyd Webber is crazy for writing a sequel to The Phantom of the Opera, Apple Computers are evil, earlobes are strange, Pluto should be a planet, Michael Phelps is the best swimmer in history (not that I’m an expert), the Rolling Stone’s list of top 100 guitarists is bull, Rush should be on the Rock and Roll hall of fame, the new Ocean’s Eleven is better than the original one with the rat pack, the brat pack is better than the rat pack, Molly Ringwald is Charity Hope Valentine, Sally Field made history in Sybil, and Sonic is the best fast food place.

10 Favorite Actors: Morgan Freeman; Tom Hanks; Eric Bana; Matt Damon; Leonardo DiCaprio; Al Pacino; Marlon Brando; Ryan Gosling (Half Nelson!); Roberto Benigni.

10 Favorite Actresses: Julia Roberts; Angelina Jolie; Maggie Smith; Cate Blanchett; Meryl Streep; Susan Sarandon; Natalie Portman; Sally Field; Glenn Close; Diane Keaton.

Favorite Movies: The Godfather trilogy; The Lord of the Rings trilogy; Ocean’s Eleven; Ocean’s Thirteen; The Shawshank Redemption; Crime and Other Misdemeanors; Pulp Fiction; Schindler’s List; Casablanca; One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest; Lawrence of Arabia; Fight Club; The Departed; Blood Diamond; Catch Me If You Can; Se7en; Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind; Maria Full of Grace; Saving Private Ryan; Chopper; Black Hawk Down; His Girl Friday; Romulus, My Father; Sin City; Forrest Gump; La Vita e Bella; The Sting; The Silence of the Lambs; The Breakfast Club; Diner; Full Metal Jacket; Brick; Million Dollar Baby; Donnie Darko; Titanic; Cool Hand Luke; Crash; Little Miss Sunshine; Harvey; Duck Soup; Big Fish; Fatso; Troy (just because Eric Bana is in it); A Beautiful Mind; Foxfire; Girl, Interrupted; Gia; The Good Shepherd; Good Will Hunting; Good Morning Vietnam; Bonnie and Clyde; Chinatown; Hard Bodies; Fletch; Panic Room; Disturbia; A Guide to Recognizing Your Saints; It Happened One Night; Sixteen Candles; Pretty in Pink; The Talented Mr. Ripley; Erin Brockovich; Conspiracy Theory; What’s Eating Gilbert Grape; Fried Green Tomatoes; Inside Man; Déjà Vu; Hotel Rwanda; The Color Purple; Monty Python and the Holy Grail; The Aviator; Goodnight and Good Luck; Capote; Psycho; Rebel Without a Cause; Ararat; Munich; Scarface; The Seven Samurai; The Shining; O Brother, Where Art Thou; Bobby; Everything Is Illuminated; The Goonies; Rear Window; Cidade de Deus; The Usual Suspects; Memento; Taxi Driver; Double Indemnity; V for Vendetta…the list goes on.

Favorite Books: Madame Bovary; Emma; Pride and Prejudice; Persuasion; Sense and Sensibility; The Group; To Kill a Mockingbird; Anna Karenina; The Metamorphosis; Swann’s Way; The Bell Jar; Ulysses; Howl; The Sound and the Fury; Savage Beauty: The Life of Edna St. Vincent Millay; The Harry Potter series; The Fountainhead; Anthem; Atlas Shrugged; David Copperfield; Black Like Me; The Arabs; The Africans; Scarlet Letter; Vanity Fair; Night; A Tree Grows in Brooklyn; The Grapes of Wrath; Of Mice and Men; The Awakening; Brave New World; Dead Souls; Sybil; Girl, Interrupted; Matilda Bone; Out of Africa; The Jungle; 1984; Animal Farm; The Portable Dorothy Parker; Crime and Punishment; The Idiot; The Catcher in the Rye; Jane Eyre; Old School; Brick Lane: A Novel; Our Town; The Time Traveler’s Wife; Wicked; Autobiography of a Face; Empire Falls; The God of Small Things; Antigone; The Brothers Karamazov; The Flies; Daisy Miller; One Hundred Years of Solitude; I Am the Cheese; The Iliad; The Odyssey; In Cold Blood; Invisible Man; The Giver; Les Miserables; The Trial; The Firm; The Pelican Brief; Oliver Twist; Orlando; Rosemary’s Baby; War and Peace; Little Dorrit; A Tale of Two Cities; Great Expectations; The Shining; The Green Mile; Swimming With Giants; On the Road; Atonement; Siddhartha; The Code of Woosters; The Count of Monte Cristo; Cold, Sassy Tree; The Godfather; The Last Don; Omerta; Uncle Tom’s Cabin; Galapagos; An American Tragedy; The Great Gatsby; Please Kill Me: Uncensored Oral History of Punk; The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test; Naked and The Dead; Inherit the Wind; Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf; A Mencken Chrestomathy (it took me forever to find it); Catch-22; The Holy Barbarians…the list goes on.

Favorite Bands: Accelerators; The Clash; Led Zeppelin; The Adolescents; Pink Floyd; Rush; The Who; Beck; The Adverts; Janis Joplin; Joan Jett; Agent Orange, The Jimi Hendrix Experience; The Agnostic Front; David Bowie; The Ramones; The Sex Pistols; The Police; The Talking Heads; Jethro Tull; The Streets; XTC; Dead Kennedys; Black Box Recorder; Muse; PJ Harbey; Rasputina; The Shins; Soundgarden; The Kinks; Nico; Nena; Komeda; The Strokes; Matt Nathanson; The Bangles; Badly Drawn Boy; Broken Social Scene; Fleetwood Mac; Yes; Bob Dylan; Bjork; Velvet Underground; The Jam; Sparks; The Crabs; Emerson, Lake, and Palmer; Renaissance; The Jolt; The Doors; Ash; The Dandy Warhols; Iron Maiden; Cream; Aerosmith; Duran Duran (guilty pleasure); The Eagles; Nirvana; Pearl Jam; Spin Doctors; Harry Nilsson; Queen; U2…the list goes on.

Musical of the Moment: RENT.

Poet of the Moment: Edna St. Vincent Millay

Book of the Moment: Confession of an Economic Hitman

Things I Am Working On: It will be a while, but I am simultaneously writing a Bourne Supremacy fanfic, a modern-day Lord of the Rings, a Troy fanfic, and a Jane Austen modernization. Stay tuned! Hopefully this summer I will be able to crank things out.