Hey Peeps!! for those who are checking to see who i am i used to be Damaged Zero who used to be GhostAssassin.

you hate stereotypes and think people should just shut up and stop POST THIS. Pick the stereotype that fits you.

I'M SKINNY, so I MUST be anorexic.

I wear leather so i must be a poser or a thug.

I'm EMO, so I MUST cut my wrists

I'm autistic, so i must be a freak.

I'm a NEGRO so I MUST carry a gun.

I'm BLONDE, so I MUST be a ditz

I'm JAMAICAN so I MUST smoke weed.

I'm HAITIAN so I MUST eat cat.

I'm ASIAN, so I MUST be sexy.

I'm JEWISH, so I MUST be greedy.

I'm GAY, so I MUST have AIDS.

I'm a LESBIAN, so I MUST have a sex-tape.

I'm ARAB, so I MUST be a terrorist.

I SPEAK MY MIND, so I MUST be a bitch/bastard.

I'm RELIGIOUS, so I MUST shove my beliefs down your throat.

I'm CATHOLIC so i must molest little boys.

I'm ATHEIST so i MUST hate the world.

I don't have a RELIGION, so I MUST be evil and have no morals.

I'm REPUBLICAN, so I MUST not care about poor people.

I'm DEMOCRAT, so I MUST not believe in being responsible.

I am LIBERAL, so I MUST be gay.

I'm SOUTHERN, so I MUST be white trash

I'm NORTHERN, so I must be a farmer and or stupid.

I TAKE (or used to take) ANTI-DEPRESSANTS, so I MUST be crazy

I'm a GUY, so I MUST only want to get into your pants.

I'm IRISH, so I MUST have a bad drinking problem.

I'm INDIAN, so I MUST own a convenient store.

I'm NATIVE AMERICAN, so I MUST dance around a fire screaming like a savage.

I'm a CHEERLEADER, so I MUST be a whore...

I'm a DANCER, So I MUST be stupid, stuck up, and a whore.

I wear SKIRTS, so I MUST be a slut.

I'm a PUNK, so I MUST do drugs

I'm RICH, so I MUST be a conceited snob.

I WEAR BLACK, so I MUST be a goth or emo.

I'm a WHITE GIRL, so I MUST be a nagging, steal-your-money kind of girlfriend.

I'm CUBAN, so I MUST spend my spare time rolling cigars.

I'm NOT A VIRGIN, so I MUST be easy

I FELL IN LOVE WITH A MARRIED MAN, so I MUST be a home-wrecking whore.

I'm a TEENAGE MOM, so I MUST be an irresponsible slut.

I'm POLISH, so I MUST wear my socks with my sandals.

I'm ITALIAN, so I must have a big DICK.

I'm EGYPTIAN, so I must be a TERRORIST!!

I'm PRETTY, so I MUST not be a virgin.

I HAVE STRAIGHT A'S, so I MUST have no social life.

I DYE MY HAIR CRAZY COLORS, so I MUST be looking for attention.

I DRESS IN UNUSUAL WAYS, so I MUST be looking for attention.

I'm INTO THEATER & ART, so I MUST be a homosexual.

I'm a VEGETARIAN, so I MUST be a crazy political activist.

I HAVE A BUNCH OF GUY FRIENDS, so I MUST be fucking them all.

I HAVE A BUNCH OF GIRLS WHO ARE FRIENDS, so I MUST be gay.

I have BOOBS, so I MUST be a hoe.

I'm COLOMBIAN, so I MUST be a drug dealer.

I WEAR WHAT I WANT, so I MUST be a poser.

I'm RUSSIAN, so I MUST be cool and that's how Russians roll.

I'm GERMAN, so I must be a Nazi.

I hang out with GAYS, so I must be GAY TOO

I'm BRAZILIAN, so I MUST have a BIG BUTT.

I'm PUERTO RICAN, so I MUST look good and be conceited.

I'm SALVADORIAN, so I MUST be in MS 13.

I'm POLISH, so I MUST be greedy.

I'm HAWAIIAN so I MUST be lazy.

I'm PERUVIAN, so I MUST like llamas.

I'm a STONER so I MUST be going in the wrong direction

I'm a VIRGIN so i MUST be prude.

I'm STRAIGHT EDGE so i must be violent.

I'm a FEMALE GAMER, so I MUST be ugly.. or crazy.

I'm BLACK so I MUST love fried chicken and kool-aid.

I'm BI so I MUST think every girl I see is hot.

I'm a GIRL who actually EATS LUNCH, so I MUST be fat.

I'm SINGLE so I MUST be ugly.

I'm ASIAN so I must be a NERD that does HOMEWORK 24/7.

I'm CHRISTIAN so I MUST hate homosexuals. ( We don't ass holes)

I'm MIXED so I must be fucked up.

I'm MUSLIM so I MUST be a terrorist.

I'm in BAND, so I MUST be a dork

I'm BLACK so I MUST believe JESUS WUZ A BROTHA.

I'm MORMON so I MUST be perfect.

I'm WHITE and have black friends so I MUST think I'm black

I'm GOTH so I MUST worship the devil

I Love SHOPPING so I must be rich.

I'm an OG so I must be Mexican.

If you hate stereotypes and think people should just shut up and stop, POST THIS.

got them from Love4Death

And if you copy my stuff or just like it... pm me you pen name to the list of peoples who like my stuff!!

People who enjoy my page!!

Super Saiyan Angel:my hero!!

sum41sakmar: crazy cool

RANDOMNESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Old man-" the church teaches to forgive."

Creezly-" Forgiveness is between them and god my job is to arange the meeting'" from "MAN ON FIRE"

"Don't be sad that it's over, be happy that it happened."-Dr. Seuss

"Do something everyday that scares you."-Anonymous

If you have an annoying younger--or older-- sibling

1F Y0U C4N UND3R574ND 7H15 M355463

If you've ever burst out laughing in a quiet room

If you think that Writer's Block sucks

If you like smiley faces

If you are a total clutz

If you hate those irritating mosquitoes giving you mosquito copy and paste

Dora the exporer is soo an Illegal Immigrant...
Description: Ok, so here's the deal... If you need the explanations they're
all around you...1) She speaks spanish... she speaks spanish perfectly... what
is she like...5? Her backpack even speaks spanish perfectly!2) That backpack
of hers has EVERYTHING in it! And we're talking everything! Life support,
water/food, clothing for any weather, ropes, grappling hooks, shoes... i mean
c'mon!3) She's carrying a freaking ZOO with her! I mean, she has a monkey, an
band of insects, a bajillion other animals! Really! What kind of legal
immigrant has that many pets!?4) She's always on an "adventure" to
transport a "package" to some destination and is always being
stalked by a person trying to take that package... i mean... really, Swiper is
so obviously some sort of border patrol person trying to collect evidence of
Dora's entire narcotics trafficking buisnessThe evidence is so obvious and
around you guys! And they're even poisoning our little children with them...
Who wants our toddlers to grow up knowing spanish before english?!

(\ _ /)
(O.o )

This is Bunny.
Copy and paste this Bunny to help him on his way to world domination

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of
next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the
store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught t me IRONY.
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't
have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that
way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favourite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

92 percent of the teenage population would die if Abercrombie and Fitch told them it was uncool to breathe. Copy and paste this if you would be the 8 percent standing there laughing.

If you can read this message, you are blessed, because over two billion people in the world cannot read at all:

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg.

The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid.

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae.

The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.

Tihs is bucesae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteer by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Now on a more serious note. may all those who were victim, just not of the VT shooting, but of any war, any shooting, and any untimely death, be remembered

Mommy...Johnny brought a gun to school,

He told his friends that it was cool,

And when he pulled the trigger back,

It shot with a great, huge crack.

Mommy, I was a good girl, I did what I was told,

I went to school, I got straight A's, I even got the gold!

When I went to school that day,

I never said good-bye.

I'm sorry that I had to go, But Mommy, please don't cry.

When Johnny shot the gun, he hit me and another,

And all because Johnny, got the gun from his brother.

Mommy, please tell Daddy; That I love him very much,

And please tell Zack; my boyfriend; That it wasn't just a crush.

And tell my little sister; That she is the only one now,

And tell my dear sweet grandmother; I'll be waiting for her now

And tell my wonderful friends; That they always were the best

Mommy, I'm not the first, I'm no better than the rest

Mommy, tell my teachers; I won't show up for class,

And never to forget this, And please don't let this pass

Mommy, why'd it have to be me? No one, though. deserves this.

But mommy, it's not fair, I left without a kiss.

And Mommy tell the doctors; I know that they really did try

I think I even saw one doctor, trying not to cry.

Mommy, I'm slowly dying, with a bullet in my chest,

But Mommy please remember, I'm in heaven with the rest

When I heard that great, big crack, I ran as fast as I could

please listen to me if you would,

I wanted to go to college, I wanted to try things that were new

I guess I'm not going with Daddy, On that trip to the new zoo

I wanted to get married, I wanted to have a kid,

I wanted to be an actress, I really wanted to live.

But Mommy I must go now, The time is getting late,

Mommy, tell my Zack, I'm sorry I to cancel the date.

I love you Mommy, I always have, I know you know its true

And Mommy all I need to say is, "Mommy, I love you"In Memory of The Columbine & Virginia Tech
Students Who Were Lost

What to do when in a Elevator

1) CRACK open your briefcase or handbag,
peer Inside and ask "Got enough air in
there?"

2) STAND silent and motionless in the
corner facing the wall without getting off.

3) WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt
and strain to yank the doors open, then
act as if you're embarrassed when they
open themselves.

4) GREET everyone with a warm handshake
and ask him or her to call you Admiral.

5) MEOW occasionally.

6) STARE At another passenger for a
while. Then announce in horror: "You're
one of THEM" - and back away slowly

7) SAY -DING at each floor.

8) SAY "I wonder what all these do?" And
push all the red buttons.

9) MAKE explosion noises when anyone
presses a button.

10) STARE, grinning at another passenger
for a while, then announce: "I have new
socks on."

11) WHEN the elevator is silent, look
around and ask: "Is that your beeper?"

12) TRY to make personal calls on the
emergency phone.

13) DRAW a little square on the floor
with chalk and announce to the other
passengers: "This is my personal space."

14) WHEN there's only one other person
in the elevator, tap them on the
shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you.

15) PUSH the buttons and pretend they
give you a shock. Smile, and go back for
more.

16) ASK if you can push the button for
other people but push the wrong ones.

17) HOLD the doors open and say you're
waiting for your friend. After a while,
let the doors close and say "Hi Greg,
How's your day been?"

18) DROP a pen and wail until someone
reaches to help pick it up, then scream:
"That's mine!"

19) BRING a camera and take pictures of
everyone in the lift.

20) PRETEND you're a flight attendant
and review emergency procedures and
exits with the Passengers.

21) SWAT at flies that don't exist.

22) CALL out "Group hug" then enforce it.

When a doctor says: this won't hurt...It will

When a doctor says: This may hurt... It will... alot

When a doctor says: This will hurt... Brace for the pain

When a doctor says: In the long run this will help you... Start SCREAMING NOW!!

Girls
are like
apples on trees.
The best ones are
at the top of the tree. The
boys don’t want to reach
for the good ones because they
are afraid of falling and getting hurt.
Instead, they just get the rotten apples
from the ground that aren't as good,
but easy. So the apples at the top think
something is wrong with them, when in
reality they are amazing. They just
have to wait for the right boy to
come along, the one who's
brave enough to
climb all
the way
to the top
of the tree.

You know that you live in 2009 if...

1.) You accidentally enter your password on a microwave.

2.) You haven't played solitare with real cards for years.

3.) The reason for not staying in touch with your friends is they dont have a screenname or myspace.

4.) You'd rather look all over the house for the remote instead of just pushing the buttons on the TV.

6.) Your boss doesn't even have the ability to do your job...

7.) As you read this list you keep nodding and smiling.

8.) As you read this list you think about sending it to all your friends.

9.) And you were too busy to notice number 5.

10.) You scrolled back up to see if there was a number 5.

11.) Now you are laughing at yourself stupidly.

12.) Put this in your profile if you fell for that, and you know you did

I used to care, but I take a pill for that now.

I call you squishy and you shall be mine. You will be my squishy!

I called your boyfriend gay, and he hit me with his purse.

When life gives you lemons go out & buy vodka.

Evening news is where they say, "Good Evening" then proceed to tell you why it's not.

The dinosaur's extinction wasn't an accident. Barney came and they all committed suicide.

Labels are for cans, and in case you haven't noticed, I'm not a can!

Excuse me. Have you seen my sanity? I think I've lost it...

Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us how to walk and talk, then the rest of our lives telling us to sit down and shut up.

They say, "Guns don't kill people. People kill people." Well, I think the gun helps. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people.

Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. ( that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos! ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how?...)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands." (...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Boeing 757-"Fragile. Do not drop"

Liquid plummer-"Do not reuse the bottle to store beverages."-(Beverages WOOO!!)

Arm and hammer scoopable cat litter-"safe to use around pets" (Are you sure?)

Endust duster-"This product is not defined flammable by the consumer products safety commission regulations. However this product can be ignited under certain circumstances"

Baby oil-"Keep out reach of children."

Dog food-"new and improved tasting", (who tests it?)

Hair coloring-"Do not use as an ice cream topping." (Yummy...)

Sleeping pills-"Warning: may cause drowsiness" (CAuse thats not the desired effect..)

Komatsu Floodlight-"This floodlight is capable of illuminating large areas, even in the dark" (Why did I buy it again?)

Earplugs-"These earplugs are nontoxic, but they may interfere with breathing if caught in windpipe." (Are you sure? Lets experiment .)

RCA television remote control-"Not dishwasher safe." (Really?)

Road sign-"Caution: water on road during rain." (Gasp!)

Some say the glass is half full, others the glass is half empty, all I want to know is who's drinking my water! -thx phil!!

The two most common elements in the world are hydrogen and stupidity.

No guy is worth your tears & the ones who are won’t make you cry.

Adults are just kids with money.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyways.

My name is Tiffany

I am three,

My eyes are swollen

I cannot see,

I must be stupid

I must be bad,

What else could have made

My daddy so mad?

I wish I were better

I wish I weren’t ugly,

Then maybe my mommy

Would still want to hug me.

I can’t do a wrong

I can’t speak at all

Or else im locked up

All day long.

When im awake im all alone

The house is dark

My folks aren’t home

When my mommy does come home

I'll try and be nice,

So maybe ill just get

One whipping tonight.

I just heard a car

My daddy is back

From Charlie’s bar.

I hear him curse

My name is called

I press myself

Against the wall

I try to hide

From his evil eyes

I’m so afraid now

I’m starting to cry

He finds me weeping

Calls me ugly words,

He says its my fault

He suffers at work.

He slaps and hits me

And yells at me more,

I finally get free

And run to the door

He’s already locked it

And i start to bawl,

He takes me and throws me

Against the hard wall

I fall to the floor

With my bones nearly broken,

And my daddy continues

With more bad words spoken,

"I’m sorry!", I scream

But its now much to late

His face has been twisted

Into a unimaginable shape

The hurt and the pain

Again and again

O please God, have mercy!

O please let it end!

And he finally stops

And heads for the door

While i lay there motionless

Brawled on the floor

My name is tiffany

I am three,

Tonight my daddy

Murdered me

And you can help

Sickens me top the soul,

And if you read this

and don’t pass it on

I pray for your forgiveness

Because you would have to be

One heartless person

To not be effected

By this Poem

And because you are effected,

Do something about it!

So all i ask you to do

Is pass this on!

IF YOU ARE AGAINST CHILD ABUSE

The funniest HP excerts ever:

“Are you out of your mind?” demanded Harry. “A plot to get this house? Are you actually as stupid as you look?”

“If you think I’m going to let six people risk their lives - !”
“ – because it’s the first time for all of us,” said Ron.
“This is different, pretending to be me – ”
“Well, none of us really fancy it, Harry,” said Fred earnestly. “Imagine if something went wrong and we were stuck as specky, scrawny gits forever.”

“I’m George,” said the twin at whom Moody was pointing. “Can’t you even tell us apart when we’re Harry?”
“Sorry, George – ”
“I’m only yanking your wand, I’m Fred really – ”

“Why are they all staring?” demanded Albus as he and Rose craned around to look at the other students.
“Don’t let it worry you,” said Ron. “It’s me. I’m extremely famous.”

"Perhaps just one more, Master Harry, for luck?"

When he straightened up again, there were six Harry Potters gasping and panting in front of him. Fred and George turned to each other and said together, "Wow -- We're identical!"

"You haven't got a letter on yours", George observed. "I suppose she Mrs.Weasley thinks you don't forget your name. But we're not stupid - we know we're called Gred and Forge."

"So you mean the Stone's only safe as long as Quirrell stands up to Snape?" said Hermione in alarm.
"It'll be gone by next Tuesday," said Ron.

Fred and George, however, found all this very funny. They went out of their way to march ahead of Harry down the corridors, shouting, "Make way for the Heir of Slytherin, seriously evil wizard coming through..."

Ron was staring at Pettigrew with the utmost revulsion.
"I let you sleep in my bed!" he said.

"Well...when we were in our first year, Harry-young, carefree, and innocent-"
Harry snorted. He doubted whether Fred and George had ever been innocent.

"Harry!" said Fred, elbowing Percy out of the way and bowing deeply. "Simply splendid to see you, old boy-"
"Marvelous," said George, pushing Fred aside and seizing Harry's hand in turn. "Absolutely spiffing." Percy scowled.
"That's enough, now," said Mrs. Weasley.
"Mum!" said Fred as though he'd only just spotted her and seized her hand too. "How really corking to see you-"

...Thought I'd send this with Pig anyway.
Harry stared at the word "Pig," and looked up at the tiny owl now fluttering around the light fixture on the ceiling. He had never seen anything that looked less like a pig.

"I've got two Neptunes here," said Harry after a while, frowning down at his piece of parchment, "that can't be right, can it?"
"Aaaaah," said Ron, imitating Professor Trelawney's mystical whisper, "when two Neptunes appear in the sky, it is a sure sign that a midget in glasses is being born, Harry..."

"Well, I had one that I was playing Quidditch the other night," said Ron, screwing up his face in an effort to remember. "What do you think that means?"
"Probably that you're going to be eaten by a giant marshmallow or something," said Harry, turning the pages of The Dream Oracle without interest.

When life gives you lemons, make grape juice and watch while the world wonders how you did it.

Never fight with inanimate objects.

(Anonymous)

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. But, if at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished.

You say I can't, but that just makes it so much more tempting.

Her name was Auroura
She was only five
This is what happened
When she was alive

Her dad was a drunk
Her mom was an addict
Her parents kept her
Locked in an attic

Her only friend
Was a little toy bear
It was old and worn out
And had patches of hair

She always talked to it
When no one's around
She lays there and hugs it
Not a peep of sound

Until her parents
Unlock the door
Some more and more pain
She'll have to endure

A bruise on her leg
A scar on her face
Why would she be
In such a horrible place?

But she grabs her bear
And softly cries
She loves her parents
But they want her to die

She sits in the corner
Quiet but thinking,
"God, why? Why is
My life always sinking?"

Such a bad life
For a sad little kid
She'd get beaten and beaten
For anything she did

Then one night
Her mom came home high
The poor child was beaten
As hours went by

Then her mom suddenly
Grabbed for a blade
It was sharp and pointy
One that she made

She thrusted the blade
Right in her chest,
"You deserve to die
You worthless pest!"

The mom walked out
Leaving the girl slowly dying
She grabbed her bear
And again started crying

Police showed up
At the small little house
They quickly barged in
Everything was as quiet as a mouse

One officer slowly
Opened a door
To find the sad little girl
Lying on the floor

It must have been bad
To go through so much harm
But at least she died
With her best friend in her arms

If you hate child abuse then repost this on your profile. If you don't then you have no soul!!

Never judge a person till you’ve walked a mile in their shoes. Then, at least, you’ll be a mile away and they won’t have any shoes.

Quotes

Someday we'll look back at this and plow into a parked car

I will not think about girls. i will not think about girls. i will not think abo- woah! a hot girl!

When life gives you lemons, make apple juice and let the world wonder how you did it.

Always forgive your enemies - nothing else annoys them so much

The voices in my head may not be real but they still have pretty good ideas...

When you go to court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty

It doesn’t matter whether the glass is half empty or half full just drink it and get it over with.

It takes 42 muscles to frown, 28 to smile and only 4 to reach out and slap someone.

Friend's will always be like “well you deserve better” but best friends will be prank calling her saying “you will die in seven days"

If your name is Mr. Crunch, and you joined the Navy, would you eventually be Captain Crunch?

“An apple a day keeps the doctor away, if well aimed.”

Life isn’t passing me by, it’s trying to run me over

I’m so gangster, I carry a squirt gun.

Heaven doesn’t want me, and Hell’s afraid I’ll take over.

“He who stands on a windowsill to see how far out he can lean without falling is a moron.”

I’m the kind of guy who will burst our laughing in the middle of a dead silence because of something that happened yesterday.

When it rains on my party, I bust out the slip n’ slide.

A stranger stabs you in the front; a friend stabs you in the back; a girlfriend stabs you in the heart, but best friends only poke each other with straws.

"They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance?"

You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder

"If you hit me, I hit back. If you hug me, I'll stare at you and ask, 'Are you bipolar?'"

Smile. It confuses people.

There's nothing wrong with arguing with yourself. It's when you argue with yourself and LOSE when it's weird.

You know it's going to be a bad day when you fall out of bed and miss the floor

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three

"We live in an age where pizza gets to your house before the police do."

"You say tomato...I say fuck you."

When I hear somebody sigh "Life is hard" I'm always tempted to ask "Compared to what?"

Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.

I am going to put an end to my procrastination problem. . . Tomorrow

"Shut up voices! Or I'll poke you with a Q-tip again

never do anything you don't want to explain to the paramedics

if it wasn't for physics and law enforcement I'd be unstoppable

apparently 1 in 5 people are chinese, there are five people in my family so it must be one of them. it's ether my mum or dad. or my older brother Will. or my younger brother ho-chan-chu. but i think it's Will.

Bush gave an interview and he said people will vote for him because 'They've seen me weep, they've seen me laugh, and they've seen me hug.' These are the same qualifications for a Tickle Me Elmo.

A recent survey stated that the average person's greatest fear is having to give a speech in public. Somehow this ranked even higher than death which was third on the list. So, you're telling me that at a funeral, most people would rather be the guy in the coffin than have to stand up and give a eulogy.

I'm not so good at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?

How guys think. (Written by some random dude posted by Person95's brother. BOW TO ME!)

"Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: ''Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?''And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence.

She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let's see . . ...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the odometer . . . Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they'd better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a goddamn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves 600.

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.

And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of myself-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a goddamn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their ...

''Roger,'' Elaine says aloud. ''What?'' says Roger, startled.

''Please don't torture yourself like this,'' she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. ''Maybe I should never have . . Oh God, I feel so ...'' (She breaks down, sobbing.)

''What?'' says Roger.

''I'm such a fool,'' Elaine sobs. ''I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse.''

''There's no horse?'' says Roger. ''You think I'm a fool, don't you?'' Elaine says. ''No!'' says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer. ''It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time,'' Elaine says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

"Yes,'' he says. (Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.) ''Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?'' she says. ''What way?'' says Roger. ''That way about time,'' says Elaine.

''Oh,'' says Roger. ''Yes.'' (Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse.

(At last she speaks.) ''Thank you, Roger,'' she says. ''Thank you,'' says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: ''Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?''

A good or best friend!

A good friend helps you up when you fall. A best friend keeps on walking saying, "Forget how to Walk? dumb ass."

A good friend helps you find your princess. A best friend drugs her and brings her to you.

A good friend will ask you if you're okay when you're crying. A best friend will laugh at you and say, "Ha Ha, Homo!"

A good friend will offer you a soda. A best friend will grab yours and shake it up, till explodes all over you.

A good friend will offer you a tissue when you sneeze. A best friend will wipe their snot on your shirt.

A good friend gives you their umbrella in the rain. A best friend takes yours and says, "Run Forest run!"

A good friend will help you move. A best friend will help you move the bodies.

A good friend will bail you out of jail. A best friend would be in the room next to you saying, "That was awesome! Let's do it again!"

A good friend has never seen you cry. A best friend won't tell anyone else that you cried...just laugh about it in private with you when you aren't down anymore.

A good friend asks you to write down your number. A best friend has your grandparents house on speed dial.

A good friend will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing. A best friend will kick the whole crowds butts that left you.

A good friend knows a few things about you. A best friend could write a very embarrassing biography on your life story.

A good friend tells you she knows how you feel. A best friend will call you up and get into a random argument with you about the regenitve properties of the liver when they/you are feeling down... It happens

Friend: Will help me find my way when I'm lost

Best Friend: Will be the one messing with my compass, stealing my map and giving me bad directions

Friend: Will help me learn to drive

Best Friend: Will help me roll the car into the lake so I can collect insurance

Friend: Will watch my pets when I go away

Best Friend: Won't let me go away

Friend: Will help me up when I fall down

Best Friend: Will point and laugh because she tripped me

Friend: Will go to a concert with me

Best Friend: Will kidnap the band with me

Friend: Calls my parents "Mr." or "Mrs."

Best Friend: Calls my parents "Mom" or "Dad"

Friend: Hides me from the cops

Best Friend: is probably the reason they are after me in the first place

Friend: lets me make an idiot of myself in public

Best Friend: Is up there with me making an idiot out of himself too.

Friend: Will give you advice on how to ask out girls.

Best friend: Will pretend to be you, and ask her out.

Friend: Will go with you to save your relationship.

Best Friend: Will have a private Jet and 3000 dollars saved up in case you have to save your relationship.

Friend: Will end a phone conversation with, "See Yah later"

Best friend: Will end a phone conversation with,"I Love you." Leaving you confused, and him laughing his butt off at your confusion.

Friend: Doesn't mind not going on a roller coaster if you're too scared.

Best Friend: Will rag on you and threaten you, till you do go on the roller coaster.

Friends: Fade

Best Friends: Are 4 Ever

Stupid Questions that need to be answered.

Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance that little indestructible black box is?
Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
So what's the speed of dark?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a Train stops On my desk, I have a work station..
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Should women put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men?
How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Why can't you find fresh sardines in the fish market?
Why do so many old people eat at cafeterias?
Why does an "X" stand for a kiss?
Why does the word "Filipino" start with the letter F ?

Funny things!

Funny how just when you think life cant possibly get any worse it suddenly does.

When There's a will, I wanna be in it

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night

What's another word for thesaurus?

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop ?

Help I've fallen and i cant...hey nice carpet! its soo pretty!

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Your kid may be an honor student but YOU’RE still an IDIOT!

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states. ...

The spontaneous rally will began at 1:45

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? You've learned!!

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance.

I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. Exactly!!

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line. whered it go?

Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive derrr!

Life is full of disappointments, and I'm full of life!!

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

Cheese… milk's leap toward immortality.

Lifes Tough, get a helmet!

It is not MY fault that I never learned to accept responsibility

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths

The cops never find it as funny as you do

sayings!!

Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional

Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional

Looking for the perfect girl? Go buy yourself a barbie.

Dream as if you'll live forever; live as if its your last day

Best friends, its who we are . . . instead of saying "excuse me" we push each other out of the way and say "move". We hug each other and laugh at any random moment. We argue about the stupidest things then we find out we were both wrong (I do the last one several times, then I go to laugh randomly.)

35 Things to do when your in Walmart! this is halirious...

1. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

2. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

3. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone,
" 'Code 3' in housewares"... and see what happens.

4. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

5. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

7. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask,
"Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

8. Look right into the security camera & use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.

9. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti - depressants are.

10. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

11. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look"

12. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through,
say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

13. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream..
"NO! NO! It's those voices again!"

14. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while and then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!

15.Grap alot of bouncy balls and throw them down the aisle, shouting "Go, Pikachu, Go"

16. Pass out bananas to random people and snicker loudly when they take one.

17. Buy 350 cans of tuna and scream "THIS CAN'T BE RIGHT!! YOU HAVE TO PUT SOME BACK!!" when the cashier tells you the price.

18. Walk around looking confused in the CD section and ask people where you can find the CDs.

19. Start a fish-stick fight.

20. Walk up to random people, give them bear hugs, and say very loudly that you missed them and they never really did get that dandruf shampoo you recommended.

21. Jump in a cart and have a friend push you while you scream "The Germans are coming!"

22. Attempt to fly off a high shelf.

23. Run up to an employee and ask "Do you like me?" If they say no, yell out "You broke my heart, you evil monster! I'm telling the manager!" and start throwing canned tomatoes at them. If they say yes just to get you away, pat their shoulder, and say "What a shame because that girl over there" point to a random person "was just about to ask you to dinner."

24. Throw confetti on random people walking into the store.

25. Whisper "I know your 'little' secret" to people in the checkout lines.

26. Stand inside the freezer in the frozen food section.

27. Walk up to employees and whisper "I saw dead people...they want me to take you away...to aisle eight..."

28. Ask the clerk to make a page saying "If there is an Edward in the store, Bella is looking for you at the main info desk". (this works best if you love Twilight, and don't try with Maximum Ride)

29. See how many cans of frosting you can open and thoroughly lick without getting caught.

30. Go to a person with a shopping cart full of merchandise and demand a ride in the basket.

31. Practice your juggling with a few Grade-A eggs.

32. Squeeze the cream-filled doughnuts.

33. Walk into the baby clothes section, pick up a pink baby dress, then throw it down and run away screaming that the pink bunnies of doom came back.

34. Bow to the display of T.Vs in the electronics section.

35. See if you can move the bottom can from the gigantic canned beet pyramid

Okay this is really sad so if you don't want to cry (like I did a bit) and have your heartless boyfriend tease you over it mercilessly (like he did) I suggest you skip this and read the stories I have written or what ever you came to do. (You can tell it really affected me because I'm usually against posting sad things on my profile. It has a good message in my defense.)

I was walking around in a Target store, when I saw a Cashier hand this little boy some money back.

The boy couldn't have been more than 5 or 6 years old. The Cashier said, "I'm sorry, but you don't have enough money to buy this doll."

Then the little boy turned to the old woman next to him: ''Granny, are you sure I don't have enough money?''

The old lady replied: ''You know that you don't have enough money to buy this doll, my dear.''

Then she asked him to stay there for just 5 minutes while she went to look a round. She left quickly. The little boy was still holding the doll in his hand. Finally, I walked toward him and I asked him who he wished to give this doll to.

"It's the doll that my sister loved most and wanted so much for Christmas.

She was sure that Santa Claus would bring it to her."

I replied to him that maybe Santa Claus would bring it to her after all, and not to worry.

But he replied to me sadly. "No, Santa Claus can't bring it to her where she is now. I have to give the doll to my mommy so that she can give it to my sister when she goes there."

His eyes were so sad while saying this. "My Sister has gone to be with God. Daddy says that Mommy is going to see God very soon too, so I thought that she could take the doll with her to give it to my sister.''

My heart nearly stopped.

The little boy looked up at me and said: "I told daddy to tell mommy not to go yet. I need her to wait until I come back from the mall."

Then he showed me a very nice photo of him where he was laughing. He then told me "I want mommy to take my picture with her so she won't forget me."

"I love my mommy and I wish she doesn't have to leave me, but daddy says that she has to go to be with my little sister."

Then he looked again at the doll with sad eyes, very quietly.

I quickly reached for my wallet and said to the boy. "Suppose we check again, just in case you do have enough money for the doll?''

"OK" he said, "I hope I do have enough." I added some of my money to his with out him seeing and we started to count it. There was enough for the doll and even some spare money.

The little boy said: "Thank you God for giving me enough money!"

Then he looked at me and added, "I asked last night before I went to sleep for God to make sure I had enough money to buy this doll, so that mommy could give It to my sister. He heard me!''

"I also wanted to have enough money to buy a white rose for my mommy, but I didn't dare to ask God for too much. But He gave me enough to buy the doll and a white rose.''

"My mommy loves white roses."

A few minutes later, the old lady returned and I left with my basket. I finished my shopping in a totally different state from when I started. I couldn't get the little boy out of my mind.

Then I remembered a local news paper article two days ago, which mentioned a drunk man in a truck, who hit a car occupied by a young woman and a little girl.

The little girl died right away, and the mother was left in a critical state. The family had to decide whether to pull the plug on the life-sustaining machine, because the young woman would not be able to recover from the coma.

Was this the family of the little boy?

Two days after this encounter with the little boy, I read in the news paper that the young woman had passed away.

I couldn't stop myself as I bought a bunch of white roses and I went to the funeral home where the body of the young woman was exposed for people to see and make last wishes before her burial.

She was there, in her coffin, holding a beautiful white rose in her hand with the photo of the little boy and the doll placed over her chest.

I left the place, teary-eyed, feeling that my life had been changed for ever.. The love that the little boy had for his mother and his sister is still, to this day, hard to imagine.

And in a fraction of a second, a drunk driver had taken all this away from him.

Now you have 2 choices:

1) Repost this message, or

2) Ignore it as if it never touched your heart (It touched mine. So I posted

"I VILL NOW DESTROY DE SNICKAHS BAHS!" Gazzy in Schools out forever.

HOW TO TELL IF YOU ARE A TRUE Author

-If you talk to yourself.
-If you talk to yourself about talking to yourself (i.e. ‘I wonder why I talk to myself so much?’)
-If, when you talk to yourself, you sometimes speak as if talking to another person (i.e. ‘Okay, so have you ever noticed that the word ‘deliver’ could mean removing someone’s liver?’)
-If, after uttering a profound piece of wisdom like that above, you stare at the cookie in your hand in awe and say, ‘Wow, this is good stuff for sugar highs!’
-If you live off of sugar and caffeine.
-If people start to notice that you tend to check your e-mail every day for a week, then suddenly disappear off the face of the planet.
-If your e-mails tend to be pages long and incredibly random.
-If, when replying to someone else’s e-mail, you are sometimes so random that you fail to address the original message altogether.
-You get so involved with a book that you start thinking the characters are real.
-If, no matter where you are in your room, you never have to so much as get up to reach a pen/pencil and paper.
-If the letters are starting to wear off on the keys of your keyboard.
-If people think you might have A.D.D.
-If you think it’d be cool to have A.D.D.
-If you start constantly talking in third person, past tense.
-If you think about making lists like this, and start giggling for no ‘apparent’ reason.
-If your friends don’t even bother to look funny at you anymore when you start giggling for no apparent reason.

This is about abortion...

Month one

Mommy
I am only 8 inches long
but I have all my organs.
I love the sound of your voice.
Every time I hear it
I wave my arms and legs.
The sound of your heart beat
is my favorite lullaby.

Month Two

Mommy
today I learned how to suck my thumb.
If you could see me
you could definitely tell that I am a baby.
I'm not big enough to survive outside my home though.
It is so nice and warm in here.

Month Three

You know what Mommy
I'm a boy!
I hope that makes you happy.
I always want you to be happy.
I don't like it when you cry.
You sound so sad.
It makes me sad too
and I cry with you even though
you can't hear me.

Month Four

Mommy
my hair is starting to grow.
It is very short and fine, but I will have a lot of it
I spend a lot of my time exercising.
I can turn my head and curl my fingers and toes
and stretch my arms and legs.
I am becoming quite good at it too.

Month Five

You went to the doctor today.
Mommy, he lied to you.
He said that I'm not a baby.
I am a baby Mommy, your baby.
I think and feel.
Mommy, what's abortion?

Month Six

I can hear that doctor again.
I don't like him.
He seems cold and heartless.
Something is intruding my home.
The doctor called it a needle.
Mommy what is it? It burns!
Please make him stop!
I can't get away from it!
Mommy! HELP me!

Month Seven

Mommy
I am okay.
I am in Jesus' arms.
He is holding me.
He told me about abortion.
Why didn't you want me Mommy?

Every Abortion Is Just . . .

One more heart that was stopped.
Two more eyes that will never see.
Two more hands that will never touch.
Two more legs that will never run.
One more mouth that will never speak.

Ways to Annoy people at the cinema:

Throw popcorn in the air and yell, "It's snowing!"

Go, "Oooooh..." whenever anyone kisses.

Clap when the good guy gets killed.

During the previews, yell, "Can you fast-forward it?"

Whenever the bad guy is doing something devious, say, "Watch out!"

Laugh very loudly at all the corny jokes.

Tell the man selling popcorn that the bathroom is flooding.

Yell out what is going to happen.

Wear a cape and when its your turn to get popcorn yell, "I'm Batman! Hahaha!" and run away.

Say that they cannot sit next to you because you invisible friend already is.

Dress for every movie as if it were the Rocky Horror Picture Show.

Use empty chairs next to you as catapults with candy. Aim at specific people behind you and see if you can hit anyone in the back row.

Wear 3D glasses. Complain loudly how bad the effects are.

Bring a flashlight. In the middle of the film do shadow puppets on the ceiling.

Bring a remote control. Complain that you can't change the channel.

Sit front row, the minute the movie starts run out screaming.

Every time a character's name is mentioned do the Richmeister. (for a guy named Nick say, the Nickmeister, the Nickenator, Nickarino...)

Bring a beach ball. Toss it around.

Try to start a wave.

Become a bookie. Take bets on who will die first.

Sit in the back and throw eggs at the projection window.

Every time someone curses cover your ears and scream, "No profanity!"

Sing with the theme music.

Bring and use your own air freshener.

At the ticket booth, request tickets for really old movies, "I'll have two tickets for the Goonies."

Throw spit wads on the screen. Try throwing them on the upper part of the screen so they can't get scraped off.

Pass around a collection plate and see if anyone contributes.

Point a laser pointer at the screen. Give the audience a laser light show.

Bring a book and a bright light. Start reading the book with the light on. When someone asks you to turn out the light, yell, "Shh, I'm trying to read!"

Use binoculars. Stare at the audience rather than the movie.

Bring a Nintendo laser gun. Shoot at the screen.

Clap loudly every time a person walks into the theater late.

When someone kicks the back of your chair, scream, "Ahhh, whiplash!"

Ask what the theater's return policy on popcorn is.

Ask the person at the ticket window, "Do you work here?"

Start a standing ovation at the end of the movie.

Quote all dialogue 4 seconds after it is said on the screen.

Get up frequently and leave the room while singing "Let's all go to the Lobby to get ourselves a treat"

Every time there is a gun shot scream, "Hit the floor!", jump on the floor, and cover your head.

Wear one of those "cat in the hat" top hats.

Play musical chairs, getting up frequently and moving right next to someone sitting by themself.

Bring your own beanbag chair and sit in the aisle.

Before the movie begins, tape fart cusions to various chairs in the theater room.

Bring a portable air popper, pop your own popcorn.

Bring a watergun and shoot it at anyone who begins talking then say very loudly, "SHH!"

Before the commercials start and people are just coming in and shout so that people outside can hear, "I'M SO VERY SORRY! YOU'RE TOO LATE!"

Tie a cardboard box around your waist and walk up and down the aisles shouting "Get your popcorn, peanuts!"

Cough really loudly right at the most important part of the movie, so nobody can here it, like when the killer's name is going to be said.

Laugh hysterically during the sad parts in the movie, cry during the funny ones.

Bring a pager or cellphone and set them off every 5 minutes, you can also set off a watch alarm if you have a loud one.

Say "Shhhhh" every 5 minutes.

Pass by a room that's showing a movie you've already seen, put your head into the room, and scream the end

How To Annoy People
At An Amusement Park

Dress up like one of the photographers and follow people around asking them repeatly if they would like their picture taken.

Leave large gaps in between you and the people in front of you while waiting in line.

Every time you pass a chain restraint not in use, clip it on and use it to hold back the people behind you in line.

Ask the person running the roller coaster if someone has recently thrown up on it.

Pretend to freak out on a ride so they stop it to let you off.

Offer people money for their spots in line...MONOPOLY money.

Speak in Spanish, or pretend you're deaf and start making rapid hand movements.

Start talking about shaving your excess body hair in line while everyone around you is silent.

Find someone and tell them you're lost. Use your best acting skills.

Steal all of the pennies out of the water fountains.

Go up to the boy band wanna-be group and pretend to be really excited and ask for their autographs, reassuring them that they're gonna make it big soon.

Take an Alka-Seltzer tablet and begin to have spasmatic movements in your body while foaming at the mouth at the very top of the tallest ride.

Ask the ride attendant if you cannot ride because you are under the influence of herione, marijuana, crack, and every other drug you can think of.

Begin to cry when they start the merry-go-round and have them stop it because you're too scared to go all the way.

Start talking loudly about the last time you got stuck upside-down on this ride, scaring everyone in line around you.

Ask someone that looks like they're in a hurry for directions.

Complain about how dirty the seat is, and demand they clean it off.

Walk up to anyone in the park, and say "Hi, my name is your name" and offer a handshake.

Ask ANYONE for their autograph.

Advertise for a theme park...one you're not at.

Find someone to tell your life story to.

Whisper right in someone's ear, "I know what you did last summer."

Comment how good you look in every picture of you on a ride.

Make fun of everyone else in every set of pictures taken during the rides.

Go up to every character walking around and give them a big hug and call them your "hero."

Ride every water ride and inform everybody with you that you can't swim and everyone's gonna drown.

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. When caught sleeping at school/work/wherever you are not supposed to be sleeping, and you are woken up, shout, "AMEN!"

5.Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6.In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write For Marijuana

7.Finish All Your sentences with 'In Accordance With The Prophecy'.

9. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11.Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area and Play tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

18. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner,'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

20 And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity .

Copy and Paste this To Make People who read bios Smile.

random sayings

If all else fails, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse.

Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door.

The person who smiles when things go wrong has found someone to blame it on.

Better to stay silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt.

Never argue with an idiot. They'll just drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

I'd tell you to go to hell, but I work there and really don't want to see you everyday.

Normal people scare me...but not as much as I scare them.

Even if the voices aren't real, they have some good ideas.

When in doubt, push random buttons!

Fighting is mind over matter. I don't mind, and you don't matter.

There's always a light at the end of the tunnel. Of course, it's usually an oncoming express train.

There are three kinds of people. Those who learn by reading, a few who learn by observation, and the rest who have to test the electric fence for themselves.

They say guns don't kill people; people do. Well, I think guns help. I mean, if you just stood there and yelled 'BANG!' I don't think you'd kill many people...

Just when I think you've said the stupidest thing ever you just keep on talking.

You know, you do this annoying thing where you open your mouth and then these things you call words come out. Yeah like that. Stop it.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

An idiot is a 44th floor window washer who steps back to admire his work.

Why be difficult, when with just a little bit of effort, you can be impossible?

Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

A clear conscience is usually a sign of memory loss.

There are no stupid questions, just a lot of inquisitive idiots.

I'm not as dumb as you look.

If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk.

Sarcasm is one more service we offer.

Hate is just a special kind of love we give to people who suck.

I used to have super powers, but then my therapist took them away.

They say the truth will set you free. Then why is it every time I tell the truth, I get sent to my room?

Some people are like slinkies. They seem to have no purpose, but they still bring you a smile when you push them down the stairs.

Keep smiling; it makes people wonder what you're up to.

Love your enemies. It gets them really confused.

It's ok to argue with two characters on your shoulders.

Writing isn't a career, it's more of a mental illness.

Anything thrown hard enough should hurt.

Curiosity killed the cat, satisfaction brought him back, but stupidity killed him again.

Flying is simple, you just throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Some say the glass is half full, some say it's half empty, I say, "Are you gonna drink that?"

All people have the right to stupidity but some people abuse the privilege.

Do not disturb, I'm disturbed already.

The trouble with life, is there's no background music.

A clean house is a sign of a broken computer!

Do not walk behind me for I may not lead, do not walk in front of me for I may not follow, do not walk beside me either. JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!

Don't piss me off, I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

For people who like peace and quiet: Get me a CORDLESS PHONE!

If being an idiot hurt, then you would be in constant pain.

If I were any lazier, I would slip into a coma!

If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then throw it back at life and steal the oranges you asked for!

If life gives you lemons...throw them at someone.

When life gives you lemons, say "What else have you got?" you might get something else

In order to lose your mind, you have to have one in the first place.

I've learned from my mistakes, and I'm sure I could repeat them exactly.

Light travels faster than sound. That is why...some people seem bright until you hear them speak.

An optimist is someone who falls off the empire state building and after 50 floors says "So far so good!"

If Fed ex and UPS merge, they would be called Fed UP.

Never drink water...if it can rust iron, think of what it can do to your stomach.

Chaos, panic, pandemonium, my work here is done.

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

A girl and guy were speeding over 100mph on a motorcycle
Girl: Slow down, I'm scared!
Guy: No, this is fun.
Girl: No, it's not. Please, I'm scared.
Guy: Then tell me you love me.
Girl: I love you, now slow down!
Guy: Now give me a big hug.
She gives him a big hug
Guy: Can you take off my helmet and put it on yourself, it's bothering me.
In the newspaper the next day, a motorcycle had crashed into a building because of break failure. Two people were on it and only one survived. The truth was that halfway down the road, the guy realized his break wasn't working but he didn't want the girl to know. Instead he had her hug him and tell him one last time that she loved him. Then he had her put on his helmet so that she could live.

If ya can't beat 'em, join 'em.
If ya can't join 'em, bribe 'em.
If ya can't bribe 'em, blackmail 'em.
If ya can't blackmail 'em, kill 'em.
If ya can't kill 'em, you're screwed.

MURPHY'S LESSER-KNOWN LAWS:

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright

until you hear them speak.

3. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

4. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

5. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

6. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something

right, there's a 90 probability you'll get it wrong.

7. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be

stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the

fog.

8. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

9. The things that come to those who wait, will be the things left by those

who got there first.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he

will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

11. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

12. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

13. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

14. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12

people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

They laugh because we're losers...
We laugh because they just figured it out.

People call us idoits but... what the hell. Their right- Me acting really retarded or is it acting?

A girl walks up to a boy in a laughing group of cool kids and pulls him aside.

"Why do you hang out with them?" she asked.

"Because they're my friends," he said.

"Why do they make fun of each other?" she asked

"because there's no one else around to make fun of," he said.

"Why do you force your smile?" she asked.

"Because it's not funny," he said.

"Why do they insult everyone?" she asked.

"Because they like to see them cry," he said.

"Why do they like that?" She asked

"Because they decide who the soft people are," he said.

"Why do you hang out with them?" she asked again.

"Because I don’t want to be with the soft," he said

"Do they still insult you?" she asked.

"Yes," he said.

"Do you stand through it?" she asked.

"Yes," he said.

"Do you think the soft are nice?" she asked.

"Yes," he said.

"Be friends with them and have a trustful, loving, friendly relationship." She said and started to walk away.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"Self realization."

If at first you don't succeed, try walking around the brick wall

You have more chance of dying by an asteroid collision than in a plane crash.

The dimensions of the Space Shuttle, one of humanities greatest achievements, were specified over 2500 years ago by a horse.

"They say one day your whole life will flash before your eyes, make it worth watching." ~ Anonymous

"I'm the kind of person that walks into a door and apologizes." ~ Anonymous

"I’m not clumsy…the floor just hates me." ~ Anonymous

"Anyone can reach their stars…and if you can’t reach, catch one that falls." ~ Anonymous

"It's not how you pick your nose; it's where you put the booger." ~ Anonymous

"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law." ~ Anonymous

"Ever stopped to think and forgot to start again?" ~ Anonymous

"My knight in shining armor turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil." ~ Anonymous

"Therapist = The/rapist... scary thought." ~ Anonymous

"Don't drink and drive. You might spill your beer." ~ Anonymous

Once you meet me, you KNOW that you will REGRET IT

Once you meet me, YOU should TURN AND RUN

"What do I look like? The Wizard of Oz? You need a brain? You need a heart? Go ahead. Take mine. Take everything I have."- Stephenie Meyer, Breaking Dawn

"And if the blind lead the blind, both shall fall into a ditch" -Matthew 15:14

"I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here."- Stephen Bishop

"I don't have to be careful! I've got a gun!" - Homer Simpson

"Your chances of getting struck by lightning go up if you stand under a tree,shake your fist at the sky and say "Storms suck!!" -Johnny Carson

"Aerodynamically, the bumblebee shouldn't be able to fly, but the bumblebee doesn't know that so it goes on flying anyway"- Mary Kay Ash

"We're all mad here, In case you hadn't notice I'm not quite all there myself." - Cheshire Cat

"Patrick:I'm mad!, Spongebob: What's wrong patrick?, Patrick: I can't see my forehead!"

"Life isn't fair, it's just fairer than death. That's all."-William Goldman

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass it's about learning to dance in the rain" - Unknown

"Maybe we're better off this way, maybe it's better that we break" -Maroon 5: Better that we Break

"Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn’t expect to be paid back."-Unknown

"He has a face like a Saint - A Saint Bernard."-Unknown

"If you can’t convince them, confuse them."-President Harry S. Truman

"It is better to remain silent and appear foolish then to open your mouth and remove all doubt" - Unknown

Random things to say if you feel like it :

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?

One day we're going to look back on this, laugh nervously and then change the subject

1 out of every 4 people are insane. Look at your three best friends, if it's not them, it's you.

Why is dyslexic so hard to spell?

Why is verb a noun?

Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we're already there? - I live in Australia, so we don't actually sing "Take Me Out to the Ball Game". But, meh, Americans think its funny.

Why is it called after dark when really it's after light?.

When life gives you lemons, squirt the lemons in Life's face

Boy, I didn't fall for you, you tripped me!

Fridge isnt a word so, officially, we have to say refridgerator

A word to the wise ain't necessary -- it's the stupid ones that need the advice.

You laugh, I laugh. You cry, I cry. You hurt, I hurt. You jump off a bridge, I get a paddle boat and save your stupid ass

If you can stay calm when all around you is complete chaos, you probably haven't fully understood the situation.

Don’t knock on death’s door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that.

When someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown about it but it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and punch the crap out of them.

Be insane...well behaved guys never made history.

Two things are infinite; the universe, and human stupidity... not so sure about the universe.

People like you are the reason why we have middle fingers.

Officer, I swear to Drunk I am not God!

I'm disappointed in you, really. You locked away my sanity and swallowed the key.

My mind works like lightning...one flash and then it's gone.

An optimist is someone who falls off the top of the Empire State Building, and after 50 floors says, 'So far so good!'"

Gone crazy. Be back soon.

I'm spinning in my new expensive office chair. So I'm away... Now I'm back... Away again... Back!.. And away..

Suicide is our way of saying to god, “You can’t fire me, I quit!”

Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them so much.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Do you have trouble making up your mind? Well, yes or no?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Join The Army, Visit exotic places, Meet strange, new, people, then kill them.

I spilt Spot remover on my dog. Now sob he's gone.

Death is hereditary.

There are three sides to any argument: your side, my side and the right side.

An consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.

Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.

When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking.

I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.

If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

UFO's are real. It's the Air Force that doesn't exist!

A synonym is a word you use if you can't spell the other one.

Marriage is Grand... Divorce is 20 Grand...

A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.

I have great faith in fools; self-confidence my friends call it.

It’s not cheating unless you get caught.

Quitting smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I’ve done it dozens of times.

I think crime pays. The hours are good, you travel a lot.

I hope life isn’t a joke, because I don’t get it.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

Most people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them. (true)

Life is a waste of time and time is a waste of life, so waste your time and have the time of your life !

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.

I’ve got problem for your solution…

Life is like a magic show, captivating and full of lies.

Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again ?

MONEY TALKS... but all mine ever says is GOODBYE!

If life begins at 40, what are you supposed to do until then?

If plugging it in doesn't help, turn it on.

I'm in shape... round's a shape isn't it?

I'm not paranoid! Which of my enemies told you this?

When in doubt, mumble. When asked to clarify, say "Trust me".

43 of all statistics are useless.

Write all complaints legibly in this space -

If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're upside down.

Optimist: A YUGO owner.

I saw Elvis. He sat between me and Bigfoot on the UFO.

WYTYSYDG - What You Thought You Saw You Didn't Get

All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

Black Holes are where God divided by zero.

I've got a... uh... uh... Oh yeah - a photographic memory!

Is that seat saved? No, but we're praying for it!

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Dolphins: Don't trust a species that's always smiling, its up to something!

Hard work never hurt anyone, but why take the chance.

1st rule of intelligent tinkering - save all the parts.

Dew knot trussed yore spell chequer two fined awl mistakes!

Yield to temptation, it may not pass your way again.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

I call things as I see them; If I didn't see them, I make them up!

Take my advice, I don't use it anyway.

Daddy? What's this little red button for? Pzzzz...

Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.

SHIN - A device for finding furniture in the dark.

It's only a hobby... only a hobby... only a hobby...

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad cheque.

Vital papers demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as warning to others.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Silence is golden but duck tape is silver

You call me a b? Because a b is a dog. Dogs bark. Bark grows on trees. Trees are a part of nature. Nature is beautiful. I know I'm beautiful, thanks for noticing.

Remember: ANYTHING is possible with the right amount of dynamite!

When the going gets tough, when you don't know the answer, you press all the butttons!

So remember. ALWAYS try this at home!

Don’t knock on death’s door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that.

I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no way Paper can beat Rock. Is Paper supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? If so, why can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody, a rock would tear that crap up in two seconds. When I play rock/ paper/ scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my ready made fist and say, oh, I'm sorry, I thought paper would protect you, asshole!

Ten things to see before you die

1. A vegitarian be eaten by an animal.

2. An emo kid talk about happy bunnies.

3. Homer say somthing intellegent.

4. Taxes disaper.

5. Voldemort destroy one of his Horcruxes.

6. Micheal Jackson being stalked by children.

7. Children take over class and teach teacher in child subjects, such as: armpit farts, skate-boarding, real music, ect.

8. Wrestling people forget their moves.

9. The coyote catch the road runner.

10. The reation of the teen population if abercombie was closed and it was illegle to wear their clothing.

50 Things not to do at hogwarts(winkwink)

1) The Giant Squid is not an appropiate date to the Yule Ball

2) I am not allowed to sing, "We're Off to See the Wizard" while skipping off to the Headmaster's office

3) I am not allowed to take out a life insureance pollicy on Harry Potter

4) I am not allowed to ask Dumbledore to show you the pointy hat trick

5) I am not allowed to give Remus Lupin a flea collar

6) I am not allowed to bring a Magic 8 Ball to Divination

7) I am not allowed to say that Seamus Finnegan is "after my lucky charms"

8) I am not allowde to start a betting pool on this years Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher. It's taste-less, tacky, and not a good money-making strategy.

9) I am not allowed to joke about Remus' "time of the month"

10) I am not allowed to make light saber sounds with my wand

11) I am not allowed to give Hagrid Pokemon cards and convince him they're real animals

12) I am not to refer to the Accio charm as "The Force

13) I am not allowed to claim that growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is "Extra Herbology Work"

14) I will not you my socks to make hand-puppets of the Slytherin-House mascot

15) If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for more than 15 seconds, assume that I am not allowed to use it

16) I will not lock the Slytherin's and Gryffindor's in a room togther and bet on which House will come out alive

17) I will not charm the suits of armor to do a rendition of "The Kinghts of the Round Table" for the Christmas Feast

18) I am not allowed to declare an offical "Hug A Slytherin Day"

19) I am not allowed to sing my own personal spy music while wandering the hallways

20) It is not nessisary to yell, "BURN!" Whenever Snape takes points away from Gryffindor

21) I will not say the phrase, "Get a Life" to Voldemort

22) First years are not to be fed to Fluffy

23) I will never ask Harry if his Voldie senses are tingling

24) I will stop referring to showering as "Giving Moaning-Myrtle an eye-ful"

25) I will not make, "OMGWTF" a spell

26) It is not nessicary to yell, "BAM" every time I Apparate

27) I will not steal Gryffindor's sword from Dumbledore's office and use it to potrol the hallways

28) I will not poke Hufflepuff's with spoons, nor shall I insist that their color's indicate that they're "covered in bee's"

29) "I've heard every joke possible about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge

30) I will not go to class skyclad

31) I will not use Umbridge's quiz to write, "Told you I was Hard Core"

32) If a class-mate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that and draw a Dark Mark on their arm

33) House Elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers

34) I will not start every potion's class by asking Snape if the poition is acceptable as Body Lotion

35) I will not call the Weasly twins, "bookends"

36) I will not call the Patil twins, "bookends"

37) I will not call the Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher Kenny, even if he is wearnig an orange anorak

38) There is no such thing as a were-thylacine

39) I will not give Luna Lovegood Coast-To-Coast AM transcripts

40) Tricking a school House Elf to strip of it's clothing does not make it mine. Yes, even when I yell out "PWND!"

41) I do not weigh the same as a Duck

42) I do not have a Dalek Patronous

43) I will not lick Trevor

44) Gryffindor Courage does not come in bottles labeled, "Firewhiskey"

45) I will not dress up as Voldemort on Halloween

46) It is a bad idea to tell Snape he takes himself to seriously

47) I will not tell Sir Cadogan that The Knight's Who Say Ni have challenged him to a duel, then have all the students say, 'Ni' from various directions

48) I am not the King of the Potato Poeple and I do not have a flying carpet

49) "To conqur the Earth with an army of flying monkeys" is not a career choice

50) I will not tell the first years that Professor Snape is the Voice of God

Really Dumb Store labels:

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (Too late!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (As night follows day . . .)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (But wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (One would hope.)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (As opposed to what?)

On a food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (I gotta admit, I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (Talk about a news flash.)

On artificial bacon: "Real artificial bacon bits". (So we don't get fake fake bacon. Oh no we get real fake bacon.)

How To Seem Normal
(Whether this is 'normal' or not depends on your point of veiw, of course...)

1.Do not introduce self as roleplaying character in public.
2.Do not talk to fictional characters in public.
3.Do not answer fictional characters in public.
4. Do not talk to inanimate objects in public.
5. Do not go out in public without a scythe.
6. Disregard above note. Perform numbers 1 to 4. Take note of 18 first.
7.Note expressions.
8.Don't die alone. Take many people with you.
9.Floor is slippery when wet.
10.Lake is slippery when dry.
11.Only talk to strangers you know.
12.Strangers you don't know are spies... Kill them all!
13.For legal purposes be sure to delete/eat/burn above note. (Do not do these things to computer though)
14.Tell people about the spies that are trying to kill you.
15.Kill them for security purposes. Unless they are mad.
16.Crying does not solve anything. Try violent mood swings.
17.Make a scene whenever inhumanly possible.
18.The men in white coats are not your friends. Especially if they are from Itex.
19.Ask them for a room with lots of sharp, pointy objects.
20.When that doesn't work, ask for a designer jacket and sunglasses.
21.Chicken soup, although good for colds, is not the best for drowning in. Try lemonade.
22.Flammable and inflammable mean the same thing. Pyromania rules.
23.Unlike fine wine, milk does not get better with age.
24.Always remember, um... um... Damn. Something.
25.Train army of flying monkeys, or kidnap the flock.
26.Goldfish don't like milk. Cats like both.
27.Do not maim people. If you already have, kill them to avoid lawsuits.
28.Find out who invented the word "antidisestablishmentarianism".
29.People are staring at you.
30.So act crazy.
31.Lies are weird, but not as weird as the truth. Which can be found at the bottom of a duck pond.
32.Do not taunt animals at zoo. They have feelings... And teeth. Very sharp. Oww... nast teeth, baaaaaaaad...
33.Little people are aggressive. Stay away from little people.
34.Going through other people's stuff is a bonding experience. Do this as much as possible.
35.You'll sometimes notice shadows late at night. Don't worry. It's only me... Bonding.
36.Never pet a burning dog. Never burn a petting dog. Or do both.
37.Never make eye contact with a naked man. Especially if you are wearing a parka.
38.Naked men dig parkas.
39.Beware the naked man who offers you his parka.
40.You know what would look good on you?
41.A meep.
42.Don't worry. It's only a harmless blob.
43.The size of Danny DeVito. Plus fangs.
44.Making an amusing facial expression. Like this. O.o
45.Numbers are evil. Count in clovers.
46.Stalking is fun. Do it more. Take a camera.
47.Make a large sign saying, "Bow down in awe of the Holy Winged Splodge". Count how many weird looks you get.
48.No matter what anyone says, there is a way to get to your fantasy world.
49.That way is a sugar high. Alternatively, eat cheese. Then go to sleep
50. Double espressos are good. Apart from when you need to sleep. Then they are bad.
52.You cannot kill the snow.
53.The snow can kill you.
54.Grass can also kill you. Fear the green.
55.The policeman said I can't have his gun... so I bought one and he took it away...
56.Catch person who sold me gun and get a refund. Or kill them. Whichever is better fun.
57.HE is real... No matter what the men in white coats say.
58.Staple paper in the middle of the page.
59.In case of blank looks, laugh maniacally.
60.You are not a vampire, werewolf, empress, god or anything like that.
61.Pretend to be so around mini people.
62.Do not go out with Voice #7. He is a sadistic, soul sucking demon.
63.Disregard last note. Go out with demon. Who needs a soul anyway?
64.Ask Senior Diablo for a bigger pitchfork.
65.Remember to kill HIM...
66.Tell the small children in Toys 'R' Us that the dolls have an insatiable thirst for blood.
67.Note reactions. Avoid parents.
68.The blood of infants gives unholy superpowers according to Jhonen C. Vasquez. Test theory.
69.Scream, the doctors don't like it, they'll give you a shot of something nice.
70.Hide the bodies, otherwise people ask embarrassing questions.
71.Eat the evidence.
72.But not if it's broken glass.
73.When in the presence of someone much wiser than you, point in a random direction and yell, "Look, a distraction!" Then run
74.Do not tell children that the flying spaghetti monster is out to get them with his friend, the flying mutant cheese blob.
75.Disregard last note.
76.Note reactions.
77.On average, 100 people choke to death on ball point pens every year.
78.Stock up on ball point pens.
79.Learn to fly. Tell no one.
80.The secret to flying is throwing yourself at the ground and missing.
81.Do not stick fingers into blender.
82.Blender... Bad... Ouch.
83.Blood loss is bad.
84.Find way to re-attach fingers.
85.Scream as much as humanly possible at 2AM.
86.Answer every question with a question.
87.Ask people what time they are from.
88.Note reactions.
89.Refer to people as "mortal".
90.The Seagull From Hell is out to get me.
91.Kill all enemies in most disturbing way possible.
92.Start by drowning them in fire ants.
93.Find the creators of pop-up messages.
94.Kill them.
95.Brutally. By force-feeding them baked beans.
96.Teachers don't like finding notes on world domination. So give them a copy of your death notes book.
97.Dunk head in boiling water.
98.Disregard last note. Was written by Voice #7.
99.Gullible IS written on the ceiling!
100.Investigate this whole "critical mass" thing when the klaxon dies down...

"You wouldn't believe how many magicians are killed by mad rabbits. It's much more common than you might think." Angela - Brisinger

'Perfection requires a touch of madness.' - Some random Seat advert.
If this were true, I would be completely perfect in every imaginable way.

"Don't make me staple your head." - April - Definately, Maybe

"The answer..."
"Yes?"
"To life, the universe, and everything..."
"Yes?!"
"Is..."
"YES?!"
"42"
- Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy

"They may have the guns, and we may not. However, this makes us better people. So, we have the moral high ground." - The Doctor - Dr. Who

"My dear, I am well aware of the seriousness of this celebration, which merits... the biggest pie-eating competition ever!" Tharaman-Thar - Blade of Fire

"Ahh, when there are two Neptunes in the sky, it is a sure sign a midget with specs will be born..." - Ron - Prizoner of Azkaban

"I... forget," lied Briar coldly. "I have a terrible memory when it comes to secrets I don't wish to tell" - Briar - The Will of the Empress

"Move your butt, storyteller!" - Nell

"So, you have a price. Your soul for a cookie." - Max - Saving The World And Other Extreme Sports

"He appers to have been killed to death..." - Anon

"DOOMED! They're all doomed. Notice I didn't say what kind of doom it was, so whatever happens to them, I will have predicted it.
How very wise of me" - Angela - Eragon

'I'm not crazy, I'm just a little insane.' - Unwell, a song by Matchbox Twenty

"Rawr!" - Fang - Schools Out: Forever

"So, what did you do, stab Edward Cullen with a pencil or something?" - Mike Newton (die...) - Twilight

'When life gives you lemons, make apple juice and laugh as everyone tries to figure out why the hell you did it' - Moi

"How did you know where I was?"
"Well, I saw this massive explosion and wondered 'noiw who could that be?'"
"Hmm. That could have been a little giveaway." - Artemis and Holly - The Time Paradox

"Just a little tip for you, before you shoot me. If you're going to back someone up into a corner... don't do it against an elavator." - The Doctor - Dr. Who

List Of Things To Do:

1. See if bookworms bounce.
2. Achieve this by throwing self down stairs.
3. Find something to become obsesssed with.
4. Research the word 'Oxymoronic'.
5. Prove everyone else wrong.
6.Conduct experiments into the electrical conductivity of cheese.
7. Work out what the heck E=MC2 means.
8. Conquer the world. Before breakfast.
9. Put some Ragu on a sled, and push it down a hill.
10. Kidnap an imaginary book character.
11. Sharpen hockey stick.
12. Hit someone with aforementioned hockey stick.
13. Find somewhere to hide from police.
14. Run around screaming 'The angels have got the phone box!' Not how many odd looks, panicked expressions, laughs and weird burst of blue light I get.
15. Buy chocolate spread. Have it on crumpets.
16. Become a master hypnotist.
17. Hypnotize a pineapple.
18. Lick my elbow.
19. Paint the entire house bright green.
20. Find something rhyming with 'silver'.
21. Find how many people think 'orange' sonds like 'guillible', when said slowly.
23. Avoid mindwipe.
24. Find Itex. Blow it up.
25. Actually, get some bombs. And an AK-47. Then blow Itex up.
26. Grow wings.
27. Get admitted to a mental institution, then initiate a mass break-out.
28. Spontaneously combust.
29. Find out where they store the Rubellium...
30. Kill whoever thought up homework. In worst way possible.
31. For the above, I need the TARDIS. Gp find that first. And steal it. And run away from a very angry Doctor about to skewer me with a sonic screwdriver.
32. Work out where the pretty lights come from.
33. Find number 22.
34. Try not to think abut fluorrescent penguins for a whole 5 minutes.
35. Duck punches currently being aimed at head.
36. Laugh manically.
37. Create a horcrux. Actually, make someone who I really hate do it.
38. Breath underwater.
39. Grab a random passer by. Waltz with them.
40. Convince somebody that there are faries living under the earth.
41. Eat pot of pesto. With no pasta.
42. Become emo ninja.
43. Scream 'I like CHEESE!' whenever anyone asks you a question. Then proceed to hop in circles before collapsing on the ground.
44. Squirt ketchup all over furniture. Claim to have been attacked by vengfull nargles.
45. Look for missing socks. If in doubt, ask Iggy.
46. Do homework that was due in for last week.
47. Listen to song. Over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over, until imprinted on conciousness.
48. Teach everyone the dead pinyata dance.
49. Play with fire.
50. Run away to join the circus.
51. Get another chainsaw. Last one broke half way through sawing someones head off...
52. Hit people over the head for no appareent reason, before running away. Cackle manically while doing so.
53. Repeat what people say. At the exact time they say it. Ooh, tricky. You need to be phsycic for this.
54. If someone says they're worried, reply with, 'Don't worry. I've got a toothpick. Nothing can go wrong!'
55. Add 'doom' on the end of everything, eg. 'Please pass me the carrots of doom' or 'That rabbit of doom doesn't look very well, does it?'
56. Mkae asbltoeuly no sesne.
57. Find an obscure town in an obscure country on Google Earth. Tell everyone it has the key to immortality somewhere near it.
58. Poke rocks. If asked why, say, 'For no good reason.'
59. Stare at the sky. When a sizeable number of people have joined the staring, quitely walk away, and observe from a nearby, comfortable spot just how long the crowd stays there.
60. Become paranoid.
61. Ask a complete stranger if they'll marry me. Propose using a grapefruit.
62. Hit people over the head with books.
63. Hide computer first, so it doesn't get confiscated... like last time...
64. Hide it underground.
65. Hope seismology sensors don't pick up the vibrations...
66. KETCHUP SANDWICHES!
67. Lizxy... hehehehehehe... hehehehehehehehe... Lizxy, hehehehe...
68. Hoard all the shiny stuff in house. Pile it on chair. Say, over and over, 'My precious!' in creepy Golum accent.
69. Get a motto. Something odd.
70. Wonder if anyone is actully reading this.
71. Turn all the baked bean cans upside down in Tescos. If questioned, it was caused by a bump in the fabric of the time-space contium...

TurnUp The Volume Turn Down The Lights And Dance Like No Ones Watching

98 percent of teens can walk without running into walls. If you're in the 2 percent that can't, post this in your profile.

98 of the internet population has a Myspace. If you're part of the 2 that can resist stupid fads, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you have an increasingly sophisticated and extensive vocabulary, situate this in your characterization.

If you think everyone's out of their mind, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you like chocolate as much as I do, copy this in your profile.

If you love rain, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you have a true friend, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you read people's profiles looking for things to copy and paste into your profile, copy and paste this into your profile

Admitting you are weird means you are normal. Saying that you are normal is odd. If you admit that you are weird and like it, copy this onto your profile.

If you are random and don't care, copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you do NOT think astrology is cheesy and no good, copy and paste this onto your profile.

If random songs just pop into your head at any given moment, from 'I've Been Working On the Railroad' to the Animorphs' version of the Barney Song (I hate you, you hate me, we're an alien family...), to your most favorite song ever, copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you know how to spell and always remember the names of authors that you read over a year ago and haven't read since, copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you generally crash on your couch even when your bed is free, copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you've ever walked into a doorway that you could've clearly dodged, you just weren't paying close enough attention, copy and paste this on your profile.

If you've ever walked into a window copy this onto your profile (you don't wanna hear that story)

if someone gave you money for no apparent reason, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you only like to copy but hate pasting, copy this but don't paste it into your profile.

If people think you are mentally insane...copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you spend multiple hours each day reading or writing or a combination of both...copy and paste this on your profile.

If you think rock paper scissors solves everything then put this in your profile.

If you've ever read/started to read a chapter in a fan fiction, got side-tracked, and forgot to review and realized it after the author posted another chapter, copy and paste this on your profile.

If you've ever been standing straight up and suddenly fell down for no apparent reason, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you get good grades and still know nothing at all, copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you've met your not-blood related twin (in resemblance or personality), copy and paste this in your profile. (dude, it was weird)

If you ever read past two in the morning, copy and paste this to your profile.

If you love Max Ride and cannot live without it, post this in your profile.

If you are obsessively, uncontrollably, in love with Fang, post this in your profile

If Faxness is one of your obsessions, post this in your profile.

If you find yourself making fanfictions of your life/your friends lives/random people you know's lives/random people you know of's lives, post this in your profile.

If you find yourself making fanfictions of other fanfictions in your head, post this in your profile.

If you think rainbows are wonderful, post this in your profile.

If you think Max and Fang should just get over themselves and get together already, copy and paste this into your profile. (YES YES YES!!)

If your friends think you’re crazy for reading a book about six flying kids (and their talking dog), and you don’t care, copy and paste this is your profile.

If you or your best friend is insane, copy this into your profile.

If you dream of killing a character in a book so you can go out with their boyfriend, post this in your profile.

If you've ever tried to put your hair behind your ears and ended up poking yourself in the eye, copy this into your profile.

If you have ever stayed up for over 40 hours continuously just because you freakin' could, copy this into your profile.

If yoo cant spel too sav yoor lyfe then putt thes in yoor profiele.

if you've ever tripped where there is a WATCH YOUR STEP SIGN copy this into your profile.

If you have ever asked a really stupid, obvious question, copy and paste this into your profile (what's two squared?)

If at one time you misspelled or forgot how to spell a word less than four letters, copy and paste this onto your profile.

If keyboards hate you copy and paste this into your profile! (Especially the FREAKING CAPS LOCK!!)

If you have ever forgotten your name while introducing yourself, copy this to your profile.

The electric chair was invented by a dentist. If you are scared now more than ever of dentists by learning this fact, put this on your profile.

If you ever forgotten what you were talking about in a conversation copy and paste this into your profile.

If you dream in Maximum Ride, like, every night post this in your profile. (I had a dream once that I was at a softball game with the Flock, and Fang turned into an Eraser, but still acted like the Fang we all know and love. How weird is that?)

Copy this and paste it on your profile if you've acted out funny lines you've come up with for your characters without noticing it and have received many odd looks/comments.

Copy this and paste it on your profile if you think sarcasm is a conditioned reflex.

Copy this and paste it on your profile if you've ever hugged/kissed/licked a tree.

If you love the whole blind, pyro, mutant, baker thing about Iggy, post this in your profile.

If you are called 'weird' at least 5 times a day, post this in your profile.

If you are so obsessed with The Mediator that it isn't even funny, post this in your profile.

If you think that the kids should let Lucky have some stupid Lucky Charms, post this in your profile.

If you think the Cocoa puffs bird should go to rehab, post this in your profile.

If you think Fred should go back to preschool so he can learn to share with Barney, post this in your profile.

If you aren't dead yet, copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you likely will be soon because of insulting people too many times, post this in your profile.

If you would kill to have wings, post this in your profile.

If you are the kind of person that gets really excited when you get like, two reviews, copy this into your profile.

If you think Jesse is hot, post this in your profile.

If you are SO obsessed with Maximum Ride that it is not even FUNNY anymore, post this in your profile.

If you think the world would be easier if everyone was on fanfiction.net because--judging from the copy-paste thingys in the profiles--everyone dares to be different and doesn't care what people think, post this in your profile.

If you randomly check your email every five minutes while on the computer, copy this into your profile.

If you've been on the computer for hours on end, reading numerous fanfictions, copy this onto your profile.

If there are times when you just wanna annoy people for the heck of it then copy this into your profile.

If you hate those obnoxious snobby people then copy this into your profile.

There's nothing wrong with arguing with yourself. It's when you argue with yourself and LOSE that's weird. If you agree then copy this into your profile.

If you argue with yourself and lose post this in your profile.

If you or a friend is both schizo and possessed, post this in your profile.

If you hear voices of book characters in your head, copy and paste this on your profile.

If you hear voices in your head (not of book characters) and aren't afraid to admit it, post this in your profile.

If you have ever tripped over your own feet, copy and paste this into your profile

If you are obsessed with fanfiction copy this into your profile.

If you read Maximum Ride: School's Out - Forever in under 5 hours copy this into your profile.

If you read Maximum Ride: Saving the World and Other Extreme Sports in under two hours, copy this into your profile.

If you have / wish you had a dog, and wish he could talk like Total, copy this onto your profile.

If you easily finish one novel a day, copy this onto your profile.

If you have ever pushed on a door that said pull or vise versa, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you've ever burst out laughing in a quiet room, add this to your profile

If you think that Red Beaumont actually is a vampire, post this in your profile.

If you know / knew someone who should get run over by a bus, copy this into your profile.

If you believe that the pink bunnies of doom are really out to get you, copy and paste this onto your profile.

92 percent American teens would die if Abecrombie and Fitch told them it uncool to breathe. Copy this into your profile if you would be in the 8 percent laughing their heads off at the others.

This is from angelzrpunknow's profile:

If the sky is the limit, then what is space, over the limit?

Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them?

if you blow in a dogs face he'll get mad at you, but take him for a car ride, and the first thing he does is stick his head out the window!

if two wrongs dont make a right, try three

whoever said nothings's impossible, they never tryed slamming a revoling door!

apparently 1 in 5 people are chinese, there are five people in my familly so it must be one of them. it's ether my mum or dad. or my older brother colin. or my younger brother ho-chan-chu. but i think it's colin.

borrow money from pessimists- they dont expect to get it back!

there are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & and those that cant. (I still cant figure out who the other people are!! My friend has benn confusing me with this for years!! years people years!!)

if olive oil comes from olive's then where does baby oil come from?

ifr quitters never win, and winners never quit, how can it be good to 'quit while your ahead?'

whise cruel idea was it for the words 'lisp' to have an 's' in it?

how is it possible to have a civil war?

if a fork were made of gold would it still be called silver ware?

Can you make a candle out of your earwax?

"Cute as a button" Is that supposed to be a compliment? Since when are buttons cute?

Can you breathe out of your nose and mouth at the same time?

Are marbles made of marble?

Why does the last piece of ice always stick to the bottom of the cup?

If you pay for a vacation and your plane crashes on the way there, do you get you money back?

Why did Yankee Doodle name the feather in his hat Macaroni?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken over there ... I'm gonna eat the first thing that comes out if its butt"?

Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?

Can you get cornered in a round room?

Why do we wash behind our ears? Who really looks there?

Why don't the hairs on your arms get split ends?

If an atheist has to go to court, do they make him swear on the Bible?

Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but its ok to use a handicapped toilet?

In that song, she'll be coming around the mountain, who is she?

How come we say 'It's colder than hell outside' when isn't it realistically always colder than hell since hell is supposed to be fire and brimstone?

Why is it that if something says, "do not eat" on the packaging it becomes extra tempting to eat?

Why are people so scared of mice, yet we all love Mickey Mouse?

Wouldn't it be smart to make the sticky stuff on envelopes taste like chocolate?

Why are the commercials for cable companies on cable but not on regular television? Don't they want the people without cable to buy the cable?

"Have you ever noticed that if you rearranged the letters in mother in law, they come out to Woman Hitler?"

Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning 'many' in Latin, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures’?

Why is it that when things get wet they get darker, even though water is clear??

Why is it that when you get out of a swimming pool, your urine is hotter when you use the restroom?

Can mute people burp?

What happens if you put this side up face down while popping microwave popcorn?

Why is chopsticks one of the easiest songs to play on the piano, but the hardest thing to eat with?

How come you play at a recital, but recite at a play?

If heat rises, then shouldn't hell be cold?

Why is there that little space inside strawberries, as if it was meant for a pit, and then the seeds are on the outside?

Why isn't chocolate considered a vegetable, if chocolate comes from cocoa
beans, and all beans are a vegetable?

Do they have girl’s bathrooms in gay bars?

Why is toilet bowl cleaning liquid only blue?

Why is it when we talk to God we are praying, but when God talks to us we are put into the loony bin?

Why do you go “back and forth” to town if you really must go forth before you go back?

Why doos shaped macaroni taste better than the normal kind?

Why is vanilla ice cream white when vanilla extract is brown?

Why can't you get a tan on your palms?

If your sick for one week and on one of those days they had to cancel school because of snow, do you have to make up that day in June?

Why do dogs sniff other dog’s bottoms to say hello, why don’t they just bark in their face or something?

Why do companies offer you "free gifts?" Since when has a gift NOT been
free?

If something "goes without saying," why do people still say it?

You know the expression, "Don't quit your day job?" Well what do you say to
people that work nights?

Why do you get in trouble for blocking an exit when you're standing in the doorway? In case of an emergency, wouldn't you run out, too, therefore NOT blocking the exit?

Why is it when some products you have to turn it upside down to read the directions, and the directions say do not turn upside down?

Why is a square meal served on round plates?

Why is the 0 on a phone after 1 and not before 1?

Which way does a compass point in space?

Why are people allowed to put naked statues outside but why can't we run outside naked?

Why do all superheroes wear spandex?

If mars had earthquakes would they be called marsquakes?

Why did Mary own a little lamb?

If a missing person sees their picture on a milk carton that offers a reward, would they get the money?

If the president were gay, would his husband be the first man?

If you were a genie and a person asked you this wish, "I wish you would not grant me this wish" what would you do?

Why are Pringles curved?

What happens if your snot freezes in your nose?

Why aren't safety pins as safe as they say they are?

If overalls are held up by the snaps at the top, then why do they have belt loops?

Why is it that its good to score under par in golf but its bad to be “under par” in any thing else?

Six Truths of Life

1. You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue.

2. All idiots, after the first truth, will try it.

3. The first truth is a lie.

4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.

5. You will soon show this to another idiot.

6. You still have a smile on your face.

Sorry about this... I was An Idiot too, And Neeeded Company...

Secret admirers are stalkers with stationary.

"Shut up voices or I'll poke you with a fork."

Do I have to spell it out for you or scream it in your face?!

So what if we act like imature idiots? We're having fun.

Doctors say I have multiple personalities. We disagree with that.

When life gives you lemons, make apple juice, then laugh while people try to figure out what the hell you did.

One day your prince will come.Mine?Oh,he just took a wrong turn,got lost,and is to stubborn to ask directions.

I'm here because Heaven wouldn't take me, and Hell was afraid I'd take over.

I like you. When I rule the world, your death shall be quick and painless.

If I asked for your opinion, I'd take the tape off your mouth.

I used to be normal, until I met the freaks that I call my friends

Why America has some issues (Yes, I live there, but tough. These are all clever.)

1. Only in
America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an
ambulance.

2. Only in America...are there handicap parking places
in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America...do drugstores
make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their
prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the
front.

4. Only in America...do people order double cheeseburgers,
large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America...do banks leave
both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in
America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway
and put
our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America...do we use
answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't
miss a
call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8.
Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in
packages
of eight.

9. Only in America...do we use the word 'politics' to
describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics'
meaning
'bloodsucking creatures'
10. Only in America...do they have
drive-up ATM's with Braille lettering.

Things to Do in an Exam you Already Know That You are Going to Fail:

1.Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"

2. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure that you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

3. Bring a Game Boy. Play with the volume at max level.

4. On the answer sheet find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.

5. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.

6. 15 min. into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every 15 min.

7. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.

8. Come down with a BAD case of Tourette's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.

9. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.

10. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

12. Turn in the exam approx. 30 min. into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.

13. Get the exam. 20 min into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Fuck this!" and walk out triumphantly.

15. Show up completely drunk (completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).

16. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

17. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 min, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.

18. If the exam is math/sciences related, make up the longest proofs you could possible think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.

19. Try to get people in the room to do a wave.

20. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.

22. Puke into your exam booklet. Hand it in. Leave.

23. Take 6 packages of rice cakes to the exam. Stuff at least 2 rice cakes into your mouth at once. Chew, then cough. Repeat if necessary.

25. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About 5 min into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"

26. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up!

27. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.

28. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"

30. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.

31. In the middle of the test, have a friend rush into the classroom, tag your hand, and resume taking your test for you. When the teacher asks what's going on, calmly explain the rules of Tag Team Testing to him/her.

32. Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious... like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."

33. Stand up after about 15 minutes, and say loudly, "Okay, let's double-check our answers! Number one, A. Number two, C. Number three, E..."

35. Wear a superman outfit under your normal clothes. 30 minutes into the exam, jump up and answer your phone, shouting "What? I'm on my way!!". rip off your outer clothes and run out of the room. strike a pose first for added effect.

38. Bring a giant cockroach into the room and release it on a girl nearby.

40. Bring one pencil with a very sharp point. Break the point off your paper. Sharpen the pencil. Repeat this process for one hour.

41. Make Strange noises... get people to stare... look at the person next to you as if he/she did it.

44. Use Invisible Ink to answer the whole exam.

45. Order catering. The catering company should come in about halfway through the test, and should include at least three waiters, eight carts of food, and five candelabras.

Though the fire and the flames

On a cold winter morning in a time before the light
In flames of death's enternal reign we ride towards the fight
When the darkness has fallen down and the times are tough alright
The sound of evil laughter falls around the world tonight.

Fighting hard fighting on for the steel through the wastelands evermore
The scattered souls will feel the hell bodies wasted on the shores
On the blackest plains in hell's domain we watch them as they go
In fire and pain now once again we know.

So now we fly ever free, we're free before the thunderstorm
On towards the wilderness our quest carries on
Far beyond the sundown, far beyond the moonlight
Deep inside our hearts and all our souls.

So far away we wait for the day
For the lives all so wasted and gone
We feel the pain of a lifetime lost in a thousand days
Through the fire and the flames we carry on.

As the red day is dawning and the lightning cracks the sky
We'll raise our hand to the heavens above with resentment in their eyes
Running back from the mid morning light with a burning in my heart
We're banished from a time in a fallen land to a life beyond the stars.

In your darkest dreams see to believe our destiny this time
And endlessly we'll all be free tonight.

And on the wings of a dream so far beyond reality
All alone in desperation now the time has come
Lost inside you'll never find, lost within my own mind
Day after day this misery must go on.

So far away we wait for the day
For the lives all so wasted and gone
We feel the pain of a lifetime lost in a thousand days
Through the fire and the flames we carry on.

Now here we stand with their blood on our hands
We've fought so hard now can we understand
I'll break the seal of this curse if I possibly can
For freedom of every man.

So far away we wait for the day
For the lives all so wasted and gone
We feel the pain of a lifetime lost in a thousand days
Through the fire and the flames we carry on!!

Top 75 Most Annoying Things To Do In An Elevator

When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor your on.

Hold the doors open and say your waiting for a friend. After a while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"

Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"

Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.

Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.

Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking.

Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

Ask, "Did you feel that?"

Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay, don't panic, they open again!"

Swat at flies that don't exist.

Tell people that you can see their aura.

Call out, "Group Hug!"and then enforce it.

Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"

Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"

Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "Your one of THEM!" and back away slowly.

Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce, "I have new socks on".

Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is MY personal space!"

Put police tape in front of the door before entering.

Fart loudly when there are only two of you in the elevator. Argue vehemently that it wasn't you.

Do the "potty dance" all the way to the elevator door. Upon arrival, sigh and look greatly relieved.

Throw a rave.

Place potted plants and water fountains at strategic locations in the lift. When people ask what you are doing, tell them you "won't ride an elevator that's not fung shwei."

Greet everyone getting on with a warm handshake and ask them to call you "Admiral".

Hum the first six notes of the "It's a small world" over and over again.

Lean over to another rider and whisper 'Noogie patrol coming!'"

Have a heated debate with yourself.

Bring a melon onto the elevator. Try to sell it to the other passengers.

Drum on every available surface.

Write a big X on the elevator floor, and hand out "pirate" maps to everyone as they enter.

Give psychotherapy to the other passengers.

Greet everyone coming on as if they were your best friend. Use the same name for all of them.

Say "ring ring," then pull a banana out of your pocket and start talking into it.

Propose to the other passengers.

Challenge people to duels.

Sell girl scout cookies.

Come on looking really scared, and say to another passenger..."I'm kinda nervous...this is my first time flying..."

Any time someone enters the doors, recoil in horror.

Shout "Food fight!"

Every time someone else talks, angrily shout: "Some people are trying to sleep here!"

When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to pull the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

Lick one of the buttons. Tell the other passengers you're sick and tired of people stealing your food the second you turn your back.

Elevators were practically MADE for river dnce!

Bring a snowboard onto the elevator. Put it on. Every time the lift goes up or down, shout "WOO-YEAH! This is what I call sick air!"

Shave.

Every time the elevator goes down, loudly scream "OH MY GOD!! We're all gonna die! This is it! This is it! It's over! IT'S OVER!!" Look relieved when it stops moving. When you begin to drop again, repeat.

Ask the other passengers if they want to see your glass clown collection.

Practice your kung fu.

Make race car noises when people get on and off.

Ask everyone on the elevator: "Are you my mother?"

Fly a model airplane.

Do yoga.

Play the accordion

Enter the elevator with nothing on your head. Individually ask everyone if they like your hat.

Bring a rocking chair. Sit and knit.

Recite gangsta rap lyrics in monotone.

Enter with a shovel, and attempt to "dig for treasure."

Read "Green Eggs and Ham" at the top of your lungs. Sound out every word.

List of Phobias and fears, that I find amazingly funny!

Allodoxaphobia- Fear of opinions.

Agateophobia- Fear of insanity.

Alliumphobia- Fear of garlic. -Vampires??

Arachibutyrophobia- Fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of the mouth.-I hate that!

Anglophobia- Fear of England or English culture, etc.

Bibliophobia- Fear of books. -This would probably drive me to phobia listed above (Agateophobia-Fear of Insanity)

Chaetophobia- Fear of hair.

Chromophobia or Chromatophobia- Fear of colors. -That would seriously suck.

Dutchphobia- Fear of the Dutch. -Sorry Dutch people, but some people are afraid of you.

Francophobia- Fear of France or French culture. (Gallophobia, Galiophobia)

Japanophobia- Fear of Japanese.

Russophobia- Fear of Russians.

Judeophobia- Fear of Jews.

Sinophobia- Fear of Chinese, Chinese culture.

Ephebiphobia- Fear of teenagers. -What can I say?

Ergophobia- Fear of work. -Sounds like a good excuse to me.

Germanophobia- Fear of Germany or German culture.

Gerontophobia- Fear of old people. -I just I can understand this one, I mean an old lady with crutches to walk with. (Shiver)

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia- Fear of long words. -Now this name is just mean!

Euphobia- Fear of hearing good news. -Wow

Nomatophobia- Fear of names.

Panophobia or Pantophobia- Fear of everything.

Maximum Ride

"We were in a top-secret facility in the middle of Death Valley, officially called 'Freaking Nowhere' on any map, and yet he managed to produce marshmallows." -Max

"I feel like pudding. Pudding with nerve endings. Pudding in great pain." -Iggy

"Why was the blind guy playing with matches, you ask? Because he's good at it." -Max

"Let's get out of here. A Ouija board just told me to save the world." -Max

"Can you giggle while racing for your life and protecting a six-year-old? I can." -Max

“Boy, you just can’t kill people like you used to.” –Fang

“Now, Max, I think we both know your parents aren’t missionaries.” –FBI investigator
“No? Well, for God’s sake, don’t tell them. They’d be crushed. Thinking they’re doing the Lord’s work, and all.” –Max

“Can we see him?” –Iggy
“Ig, I hate to break this to you, but you’re blind.” –Max

"Hey whats taking you so long? What are you doing, shaving your mustache?"
"I dont have a mustache you idoit, and neither do you. Maybe, in a few years, we can always hope" - Iggy/Max

"Whats this our side, Kemosabe?" -Max

"It feels weird that no ones throwing a black hood over my head" -Max

"1)Sardonic laughter (always a good one)
2)Rolled eyes and snort of disbelief
3)Sarcastic "youve got to be kidding me" -Max

"Its a baby plane. Its gonna grow up to be seven-forty-seven one day" -Angel

"Louisiana, the state that road maintence forgot" -Max

"Mad crazy, not mad angry, though a lot of them do seem to have anger managment issues, espeically around me" -Max

"Fair isn't fair, Dean. Like I'm supposed to help you because fair is fair? Try, "I need you to help me so I wont rip out your spine and beat you with it." I might respond to that, maybe."

"Total you're black"
"I prefer Canine American" - Total/Iggy

"I take it you don't want me to call your parents."
"Umm, No."
Hello, Lab? May I speak to a test tube please? - Max/Dr Martinez

It was like Christmas, and his birthday, and sort of Halloween all rolled up into one. - Ari

“Now, let’s say they come and get us.” –Max
“And, like, the halls are full of zebras.”-Ig
“And suddenly tons of bubbles are everywhere.” -Gazzy
“And then everyone starts to eat beef jerky,” -Nudge
“Yeah. I’ll grab a zebra; Gaz, you fill all the bubbles with your trademark scent, so people are choking and gagging: and let’s throw beef jerky right into their eyes! Now, that’s a plan!” –Ig

"Buckingham Palace? You know, like where the Queen lives. And Mr. Queen?" - Nudge

"Is dere anysing special about you?Anysing worth saving?" "Besides my fashion sense? I play a mean harmonica." - Ter Borcht/ Fang

When people don't laugh at our jokes we don't think of it as a "You had to be there." type of thing. But more like a "You have to be mentally retarded like us." type of thing

Having the love of your life say, "we can still be friends", is like having your dog die and your mom saying you can still keep it.

"The dinosaurs extinction wasn't an accident. Barney came and they all committed suicide."

A good friend will bail you out of jail. But a best friend will be in the room next to you yelling "THAT WAS AWESOME LETS DO IT AGAIN!!"

All things considered, insanity may be the only reasonable alternative.

When angry, count to ten, when very angry, swear.

Education is important, school however, is another matter.

I am on a quest to the deepest, darkest corners of my room in search of what some would call "a floor" - a long and difficult task awaits me. Wish me luck my friends for I may not return alive

Don't knock on death's door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that.

When life gives you lemons, alter their DNA and make SUPER LEMONS!
When life give you lemons, make apple juice and let the world wonder how you did it.

Music is like candy-you throw away the rappers.

If you are a person who acts friendly but has an evil mind and is secretly plotting world domination, copy and paste this into your profile. -evil laugh-... parking garage... yellow bunnies... blue m&m's... Aston Martin... random words...)

Beware! For my place of employment has given me a NEW weapon...THE BUBBLE WRAP!

Directions to Llama-land:
Left at the rainbow, Right at the unicorn. And if you've passed the penguin, you've gone too far.

When the world is ending, I'm throwing the party!

(\_/)
(o.o) This is Bunny. Copy Bunny to your profile to help him in his goal of world domination!

"Life is empty and so is the fridge."

"The world is out to get me. Hide me in your closet and cover me with clothes. Don't let it find me."

.: There's three ways to do things:.
.: The right way :.
.: The wrong way :.
.: And my way, which is wrong too, but faster!:.

Where am I to go, now that I've gone too far?"

My best friends are the kind that if my house were on fire, they'd be roasting marsh mellows and flirting with the firemen. Oh, you think I'm kidding.
My friends are the kind of people that would spend hours trying to drown a fish. ...But I love them to death

Good friends ask why you're crying, BEST FRIENDS already have the shovel ready to bury the loser that made you cry

Good friends will say you can do better, BEST FRIENDS will call him up and say "You have seven days to live

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils"

"It takes 46 muscles to frown but only 4 to flip 'em the bird"

"A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking"

"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice."

"I can resist everything except temptation."

"Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you."

"Love doesn't make the world go round, Love is what makes the ride worthwhile"

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

THE FIVE MOST DANGEROUS THINGS IN THE ARMY:

A Private saying, "I learned this in boot camp..."
A Sergeant saying, "Trust me, sir..."
A Second Lieutenant saying, "Based on my experience..."
A Captain saying, "I was just thinking..."
and a Warrant Officer chuckling, "Watch this shit..."

THE FIVE MOST DANGEROUS THINGS IN MARINE CORPS:

A Private saying, "I just got the word..."
A Sergeant saying, "Lock and Load!"
A Second Lieutenant saying, "Follow me!"
A Captain saying to an in-bound A-6, "Our position is..."
A Lt. Col. chuckling, "I've seen this shit before..."

The difference between Infantry, Cavalry and Artillery.

HAPPINESS IS . . .
Infantry: A good rifle
Cavalry: A big tank
Artillery: A loud boom

UPON HEARING FIREWORKS
Infantry: Cool, just like a live fire exercise
Cavalry: Not loud enough
Artillery: Fireworks? What fireworks?

OTHER TRADES
Infantry: Waste of rations
Cavalry: Waste of rations
Artillery: Waste of rations

IDEA OF FUN
Infantry: Not having to "pepper-pot" an entire grid square before the objective
Cavalry: Racing across a grid square on "full stab"
Artillery: Leveling a grid square

FAVOURITE SONG
Infantry: "Ballad of the Green Beret"
Cavalry: "Purple Haze"
Artillery: Anything, just play it LOUD!

BIGGEST LUXURY IN THE FIELD
Infantry: Engineers blowing trenches for them with C4
Cavalry: Grunts to dig their trenches for them
Artillery: Cable

A LONG ROUTE MARCH WITH FULL KIT
Infantry: 20 clicks
Cavalry: From the hangars to the tank
Artillery: What's a route march?

OFFICERS
Infantry: Are morons and should stay away from the trenchlines
Cavalry: Are morons and should stay out of the vehicles
Artillery: Are morons and should stay away from the gun lines

FAVORITE MODE OF TRANSPORTATION
Infantry: Anything but walking
Cavalry: Tanks. Tanks. Tanks. TankstankstankstanksTANKS!
Artillery: Don't you have to move around to require transport?

BIGGEST GRIPE IN THE FIELD
Infantry: The weather
Cavalry: Coffee maker in tank not working
Artillery: Only having basic cable

BREAKFAST IN THE FIELD
Infantry: I don't care what it is, just so long as I can sit down to eat it
Cavalry: Hot coffee and rum with a beer chaser
Artillery: Eggs over easy, crispy bacon, sausages, toast and Tim Horton's coffee

WHAT THEY CALL THEMSELVES
Infantry: Death Techs
Cavalry: Cavalry
Artillery: 10 Mile Snipers

Comparison of military operational tactics (Snake model)

Infantry:
Snake smells them, leaves area.

Airborne:
Lands on and kills the snake.

Armor:
Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.

Aviation:
Has GPS coordinates to snake.
Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure.

Ranger:
Plays with snake, then eats it.

Field Artillery:
Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage
with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several
hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is
considered a success and all participants (i.e., cooks, mechanics
and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.

Special Forces:
Makes contact with snake, ignores all State
Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by
building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it
to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel settlement upon return.

Combat Engineer:
Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal
thesis in obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using
counter mobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't
understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.

Navy SEAL:
Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire
support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and
retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS
kill Muslim extremist snakes.

Navy:
Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships,
kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations
Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of
anti-snake Force projection.

Marine:
Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs.
Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area ofOperations.

Marine Recon:
Follows snake, gets lost.

Military comparisons of the word "sucks"

An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 15 kg. pack on his back,
5 kg. weapon in hand, after having marched 15 km, and says, "This sucks."

An Army Airborne Ranger stands waist deep in the rain with a 25 kg. pack on his back,
weapon in hand, after having jumped from an airplane and marched 30 km,
and says with a smile, "This sucks just fine!"

A Special Forces soldier lies in the mud, 40 kg pack on his back,
weapon in hand, after swimming 10 km to shore, crawling through a swamp and
marching 40 km at night past the enemy positions,
says with a grin, while biting the head of a snake "This really sucks, I wish it could suck more..."

An Air Force Pilot flying over the battlefield, the rain is pouring down,
looks down at the soldiers below and says: "Sure sucks down there!"

An Air Force officer sits in an easy chair in his air conditioned,
carpeted room and says to his friend, "Man.. Cable's out! This sucks!"

Rules of a Gunfight

Avoid them like the plague
Be aware of what is going on around you by staying in condition yellow.
Have a plan or two. (If not, a "Last Will & Testament will do.)
Corollary: No plan survives contact with the enemy.
Bring at least one gun (don't bring a knife).
Bring the biggest gun you can handle.
Bring friends (as friendly witnesses or fire support).
Let close air support or artillery soften-up the target for you.
Make use of available cover.
Remember the difference between concealment and cover.
Don't get shot (Use cover to your advantage).
Place your shots well.
Pay attention to where your shots fall.
"Speed's fine, but accuracy is final."
Don't miss. (You can't miss fast enough to win.)
Never assume your opponent is out of ammo.
Bring lots of ammo.
In combat, you will be scared. You will have a tendency to shoot high. Be aware of this and aim low.

Rules of drawing

If you're the bad guy, draw & shoot first.
If you're the good guy, draw second and shoot first.
Never turn your back on an armed bad guy, even if he's down.

Rules of wounds

A "sucking chest wound" is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
If you're bleeding to death, say something witty..
If you're actually dying, say something deep.

Rules of quitting

Don't quit just because you're hit; GET EVEN!
Never quit, period.
There is no prize for second place.
There's no such thing as "unfair advantage."
He who lives to run away will live to run another day (the best strategy is being somewhere else).
It is better to give than receive (Just like Christmas).
Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.
Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.
If your opponents didn't have the courtesy to
"Count Off!" before beginning, assume that there's one more somewhere.
When the cops pull up, think fast and move slow.
Say nothing afterwards but the Seven Magic Words: "I'd like to speak with my attorney."
Distribute press releases indicating you target belongs to a cult.
Drop the one with the shotgun first.
Afterward, alter evidence to favor your position and plan for perjury.
Use cutesy green-and-purple colored weapons and ammo so the press won't show any video of your non-evil-looking equipment.. Fuzzy rifle-wrap works best.
Insist on at least 50K from tabloid TV producers.

Trouble with the chain-of-command

A COLONEL ISSUED THE FOLLOWING DIRECTIVE TO HIS EXECUTIVE OFFICERS:
"Tomorrow evening at approximately 2000 hours Halley's Comet will be visible in this area; an event which occurs only every 75 years. Have the men fall out in the battalion area in fatigues, and I will explain this rare phenomenon to them. In case of rain, we will not be able to see anything, so assemble the men in the theater and I will show them films of it."

EXECUTIVE OFFICER TO COMPANY COMMANDER:
"By order of the Colonel, tomorrow at 2000 hours, Halley's Comet will appear above the battalion area. If it rains, fall the men out in fatigues, then march to the theater where this rare phenomenon will take place, something which occurs only once every 75 years."

COMPANY COMMANDER TO LIEUTENANT:
"By order of the Colonel be in fatigues at 2000 hours tomorrow evening. The phenomenal Halley's Comet will appear in the theater. In case of rain in the battalion area, the Colonel will give another order, something which occurs once every 75 years."

LIEUTENANT TO SERGEANT:
"Tomorrow at 2000 hours, the Colonel will appear in the theater with Halley's comet, something which happens every 75 years. If it rains, the Colonel will order the comet into the battalion area."

SERGEANT TO SQUAD:
"When it rains tomorrow at 2000 hours, the phenomenal 75-year-old General Halley, accompanied by the Colonel, will drive his comet through the battalion area theater in fatigues."

US Army telephone answering machine.

We're sorry, but all of our units are out at the moment, or otherwise engaged. Please leave a message with your country, name of organization, region, specific crisis and a number where you can be reached. As soon as we have sorted out the Balkans, Iraq, Korea, China, the Y2K Bug, marching up and down the streets of Washington, D.C. and attending the compulsary Consideration of Others Training, we will return your call.

Please speak after the tone, or if you require more options, please choose from the following options: If your crisis is small and is located near the sea, press 1 for the United States Marine Corps.

If your concern is distant, with temperate climate and good hotels, and can be solved by one or two low-risk high-altitude bombing runs, press 2 for the United States Air Force. Please note that this service is not available after 1630 hours , or on weekends. Special consideration will be given to customers requiring satellite or stealth technology who can provide additional research and development funding.

If your inquiry concerns a situation which can be resolved by a bit of grey funnel,bunting, flags and a really good marching band, please write, well in advance, to the United States Navy. Please note that Tomahawk missile service is extremely limited and will be provided on a first-come, first-serve basis.

If your inquiry is not urgent, press 3 for the Rapid Deployment Force.

If you are in really hot trouble, please press 4, and your call will be answered by the United States Army Special Operations Command. Please note that a mandatory credit check will be done to ensure you can afford the inherent TDY costs. Also, be aware that USASOC may bill your account at any time and is not required to tell you why, as it is classified

If you are interested in joining the U S Army, and you wish to be shouted at, paid little, have premature arthritis, put your family in a condemned hut miles from civilization, and are prepared to work your ass off, risking your life in all weather and terrains, both day and night, whilst watching Congress erode your original benefits package, then please stay on the line. Your call will be answered shortly by the next available bitter passed -over for promotion Army Recruiter located in a strip mall down by the post office.

Have a pleasant day, and thank you again for trying to contact the United States Army!

RANK RECOGNITION MADE EASY
General

Faster than a speeding bullet.
More powerful than a locomotive.
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound.
Walks on water.
Lunches with God, but must pick up tab.

Colonel

Almost as fast as a speeding bullet.
More powerful than a shunting engine on a steep incline.
Leaps short buildings with a single bound.
Walks on water if sea is calm.
Talks to God.

Lieutenant-Colonel

Faster than an energetically thrown rock.
Almost as powerful as a speeding bullet.
Leaps short buildings with a running start in favourable winds.
Walks on water of indoor swimming pools if lifeguard is present.
May be granted audience with God if special request is approved at least three working days in advance.

Major

Can fire a speeding bullet with tolerable accuracy.
Loses tug-of-war against anything mechanical.
Makes impressively high marks when trying to leap tall buildings.
Swims well.
Is occasionally addressed by God, in passing.

Captain

Can sometimes handle firearm without shooting self.
Is run over by trains.
Barely clears outhouse.
Dog paddles.
Mumbles to self.

Lieutenant

Is dangerous to self and comrades if armed and unsupervised.
Recognizes trains two out of three times.
Runs into tall buildings.
Can stay afloat if properly instructed in the use of life jacket and water wings.
Talks to walls.

2nd Lieutenant

Can be trusted with either gun or ammunition but never both.
Must have train ticket pinned to jacket and mittens tied to sleeves.
Falls over doorsteps while trying to enter tall buildings.
Plays in Mud puddles.
Studders.

Officer Cadet

Under no circumstances to be issued with gun or ammunition, and must even be closely supervised when handling sharp pieces of paper - staples are right out.
Says: "Look at choo choo!"
Not allowed inside buildings of any size.
Makes good boat anchor.
Mere existence makes God shudder.

Sergeant-Major

Catches hyper sonic armour peircing fin stabilized discarding sabot depleted uranium long rod penetrators in his teeth and eats them.
Kicks bullet trains off their tracks.
Uproots tall buildings and walk under them.
Freezes water with a single glance; parts it with trifling gesture.

Is God.

Darwin Awards

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

Here are the glorious winners:

1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a 20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the 20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... 15. If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with your friends and family... unless of course one of these individuals above is by chance a distant relative or long-lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.

Remember... They walk amongst us!!

WHAT PETS WRITE IN THEIR DIARIES...

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary...

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary...

Day 983 of my captivity...

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now...

cats scare me...

This is a story about God. Read if you believe in him, and read even if you don't.

A teenage girl about 17 named Diane had gone to visit some friends one evening and time passed quickly as each shared their various experiences of the past year. She ended up staying longer than planned, and had to walk home alone. She wasn't afraid because it was a small town and she lived only a few blocks away.

As she walked along under the tall elm trees, Diane asked God to keep her safe from harm and danger. When she reached the alley, which was a short cut to her house, she decided to take it. However, halfway down the alley she noticed a man standing at the end as though he were waiting for her. She became uneasy and began to pray, asking for God's protection. Instantly a comforting feeling of quietness and security wrapped round her, she felt as though someone was walking with her. When she reached the end of the alley, she walked right past the man and arrived home safely.

The following day, she read in the newspaper that a young girl had been raped in the same alley just twenty minutes after she had been there. Feeling overwhelmed by this tragedy and the fact that it could have been her, she began to weep. Thanking the Lord for her safety and to help this young woman, she decided to go to the police station. She felt she could recognize the man, so she told them her story. The police asked her if she would be willing to look at a lineup to see if she could identify him. She agreed and immediately pointed out the man she had seen in the alley the night before. When the man was told he had been identified, he immediately broke down and confessed. The officer thanked Diane for her bravery and asked if there was anything they could do for her. She asked if they would ask the man one question. Diane was curious as to why he had not attacked her. When the policeman asked him, he answered, "Because she wasn't alone. She had two tall men walking on either side of her." Amazingly, whether you believe or not, you're never alone. Did you know that 98 of teenagers will not stand up for God, and 93 of the people that read this won’t repost it?

Repost this if you truly believe in God

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the
Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him..

He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'

St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks.
Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock.

Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.'

'Oh,' said the man, 'whose clock is that?'

'That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she
never told a lie.'

'Incredible,' said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?'

St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved
twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.'

'Do you have one for President Obama?' asked the man.

Obama's clock is in Jesus' office.

He's using it as a ceiling fan.

A pilot overheard this conversation on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency
while flying from Europe to Dubai .

The conversation...
Iranian Air Defence Radar: 'Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'

U.S. Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'

Iranian Air Defence Radar: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!'

U.S. Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter. Send 'em up. I'll wait!'

Iranian Air Defence Radar: (no response ...

At a time when our president and other politicians tend to apologize for our countrys prior actions,heres a refresher on how some of our former patriots handled negative comments about our country

These are good

JFK'S Secretary of State, Dean Rusk, was in France in the early 60's when DeGaule decided to pull out of NATO. DeGaule said he wanted all US military out of France as soon as possible.

Rusk responded "does that include those who are buried here?

DeGuale did not respond.

You could have heard a pin drop

When in England , at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of empire building by George Bush.

He answered by saying, 'Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not return.'

You could have heard a pin drop.

There was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and American. During a break, one of the French engineers came back into the room saying 'Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intended to do, bomb them?'

A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: 'Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck. We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?'

You could have heard a pin drop.

A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S. , English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of Officers that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English. He then asked, 'Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?'

Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied, 'Maybe it's because the Brit's, Canadians, Aussie's and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German.'

You could have heard a pin drop.

AND THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN WITH THE ABOVE...

Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on.

"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically.

Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.

"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."

The American said, 'The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France !"

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained, ''Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchmen to show a passport to."

You could have heard a pin drop.

If you are proud to be an American, pass this on!

I am proud to be of this land, AMERICA

Here is a little something someone sent me that is indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud.
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:

What Makes 100? What does it mean to give MORE than 100? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100. How about achieving 103? What makes up 100 in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M
N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12
13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21
22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A -R -D-W-O -R -K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98

and

K -N -O -W-L -E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5
= 96

But ,

A-T -T -I -T -U -D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100

And,

B -U -L -L -S -H-I -T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103

AND, look how far ass kissing
will take you.

A-S -S -K -I -S-S -I -N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7
= 118
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, andAttitude will get you there, its theBullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

'REMEMBER SOME PEOPLE ARE ALIVE SIMPLY BECAUSE IT IS ILLEGAL TO SHOOT THEM'

THE FINAL INSPECTION

The soldier stood and faced God,
Which must always come to pass.
He hoped his shoes were shining,
Just as brightly as his brass.

'Step forward now, you soldier,
How shall I deal with you ?
Have you always turned the other cheek ?
To My Church have you been true?'

The soldier squared his shoulders and said,
'No, Lord, I guess I ain't.
Because those of us who carry guns,
Can't always be a saint.

I've had to work most Sundays,
And at times my talk was tough.
And sometimes I've been violent,
Because the world is awfully rough.

But, I never took a penny,
That wasn't mine to keep...
Though I worked a lot of overtime,
When the bills got just too steep.

And I never passed a cry for help,
Though at times I shook with fear.
And sometimes, God, forgive me,
I've wept unmanly tears.

I know I don't deserve a place,
Among the people here.
They never wanted me around,
Except to calm their fears.

If you've a place for me here, Lord,
It needn't be so grand.
I never expected or had too much,
But if you don't, I'll understand.

There was a silence all around the throne,
Where the saints had often trod.
As the soldier waited quietly,
For the judgment of his God.

'Step forward now, you soldier,
You've borne your burdens well.
Walk peacefully on Heaven's streets,
You've done your time in Hell.'

Author Unknown~

It's the Military, not the reporter who has given us the freedom of the
Press.. It's the Military, not the poet, who has given us the freedom of
Speech. It's the Military, not the politicians that ensures our right to
Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness. It's the Military who salutes
The flag, who serves beneath the flag, and whose coffin is draped by
The flag.

If you care to offer the smallest token of recognition and appreciation for
The Military, please pass this on and pray for our men and women who have
Served and are currently serving our country and pray for those who
Have given the ultimate sacrifice for freedom.

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