Officially retired.

I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.

I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.

"...Avoid roasted cabbage, do not eat earwax, and always look on the bright side of life!" -Angela the Herbalist

I'm so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I'm saying.

Come to the dark side...we have cookies you can chuck at people.

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me, either.
Just leave me the heck alone

Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to your mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which button to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696969696969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, and date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.

I'm not going to beat you over the head if you don't read or review my stories. If it looks interesting, go ahead; if not, I promise not to send a hitman after you. Well, I might. If I'm really, really bored. Thanks for reading my profile, at any rate.