AltoGuardian - Derived from Altomare and Aura Guardian. Not to be confused with the Guardians of Altomare. AltoGuardian is a chronicler of the Aura Guardians. He gets his information through super-secret patented Aura Guardian methods (Daydreaming on the bus to school). As his name suggests, AltoGuardian is stationed in Altomare. While chroniclers of the past preferred traditional methods of recording history (i.e. stone tablets and small pieces of parchment), AltoGuardian likes to use some crazy, useless invention known as the "computer". He thinks traditional methods are too "time consuming". In order to preserve Aura Guardian history, AltoGuardian must work in secret to prevent outsiders from reading his, um, "factual" information. For some reason, he likes to post his work on "FanFiction.Net", whatever that is. It is somewhere on the "Interweb" or "Internet"or whatever it's called. If you need to find him, good luck, because he is currently out searching for more Aura Guardian history to chronicle.

Table of Contents

1) TRUE Information About Me
2) News / Updates
3) Pairings I Like
4) Stories
5) Major Original Characters
6) Media
7) Miscellaneous
8) Quotes

TRUE Information About Me

Name: AltoGuardian (I am NOT telling you my real name!)

Also Known As: Esteban (Nickname in Spanish class) and Skip9910. Some people call me Ryan at school, but it has no relation to my real name.

Gender: Male

Age: 16

Location: Florida panhandle (You know, the part of Florida no one ever cares about)

E-Mail: You don't need to know. If you need to get in contact, just PM me.

Occupation: High school student, 2nd in my class, amateur chef, mathlete, and undercover fan-fiction writer (secrecy is the key to success).

Physical Appearance: 6 feet tall, thick brown hair, and brown eyes.

Heritage: Lebanese-American (Born American, Lebanese on my mother's side, American on my Dad's) and proud of it.

Places I have lived: San Diego, Scotland, Tampa, Alabama, and my current location (I am in a military family).

Other:If you'd want to know people's first impression of me, don't ask, because I don't know. I am an introverted guy, but I am trying to fix that and make more friends. It's hard for me to talk to someone at first, but once I get to now them, it is much easier. Those who don't know me, probably don't know anything about me. My friends; however, say that I am a pretty awesome guy. I am the 2nd in my class (almost all 100's), and I still find time to have a life. No one has of yet ever stereotyped me as a nerd or geek or anything (so you better not be the first!). Despite my Middle-eastern heritage, I am Christian. If there are four things I am proud of it is: My Middle-eastern heritage, America, and the South, and my grades. If you don't like it, then just deal with it.

Profile posts: I don't know what the right term for these are, but if the following apply then post them on your profile...

I take Jesus Christ to be my personal Savior. I am not afraid of what I believe in, I stand firm in my religion even when I get persecuted. I stand unashamed.

Post this up on your profile if you believe in this.

News / Updates
Dates: mm-dd-yy

01-14-08: Well, today was my last day of Mid Term Exams (Thank God!) and I think I did pretty well. However, this weekend I have to do my entire History Fair project. I was supposed to be working on it all last semester, but I'm a terrible procrastinator so I leave everything to the last minute. This weekend will sure be fun (note: sarcasm). Anyway, just wanted to let y'all know that I'll be busy for a while (Just in case anyone cared).

01-01-09: Midnight Central Time! Happy New Year, Y'all! Have a wonderful 2009, and don't get Steve McKenna'd!

12-31-08: Happy New Years Eve! Now, I have some good news and bad news. Let's start with the bad news we can get that over with. Just before Christmas, my computer got hit with a nasty bit of adware and trojans that nearly screwed up my computer. I did all I could think of including spy sweeping, virus checking, and manual file look-ups so I could manually delete the nasty things. However, once deleted, they would come right back after restarting the computer. I tried even more things like asking my dad and saying many "come on..."s to the computer. In the end, we had to do system restore back to the 19th of December and that finally did the job. Why am I mentioning this? Because that also deleted my Christmas story, "Miracle in Lilycove", from my computer and was the reason I didn't finish uploading it like I said I would. Seeing as how it is past the Christmas Season, I will put it up in a poll if people think I should re-write "Miracle in Lilycove" and upload the rest of it despite its lateness.

Now for the Good news: I uploaded not one, but two (count them, two) chapters of Aura Guardian to make up for it's late uploading. I hope you enjoy it.

(A few hours later) I posted a poll and added an "assumptions" section to my quotes and did a few other profile updates. I added Tetra to the characters list.

12-23-08: Part Two of Miracle is out!

12-22-08: OH MY GOD! It's a freaking Christmas Miracle! I wrote a new story! I know I didn't update Aura Guardian, but I did write a Christmasy prequel. No, this new story isn't the one I mentioned on the 9th. I hope y'all enjoy it. It will be updated every day leading to Christmas. It's almost midnight here, so I need to go. I will add the story to the stories section.

12-09-08: I've been thinking around and I think I have a pretty decent idea for a new story to write. If I start writing it though, it won't be until I finish Aura Guardian. God, I need to finish it. Even I think how long it is taking me to update is pathetic. Still haven't gotten around to reviewing stories yet, I'm afraid. I need to get around to finishing chapter 12.

11-28-08: I did some work on chapter 12. I did a little update to the "likes/dislikes" section by adding a "people" category.

11-26-08: I finished chapter 11 rough draft. Yeah, I'm on a roll! Just one more before I start finalizing the ones I have written. Chapter 11 is the longest yet. Nearly 5000 words! That is a lot for me for a chapter. Hopefully my brain won't crash when writing chapter 12. In case I don't update tomorrow: HAPPY THANKSGIVING! (I am thankful I don't have writer's block anymore.) Have a good one, and God bless ya!

11-25-08: Turns out my wisdom teeth don't have to come out until later a little over a month from now. Yay. I did some more work on chapter 11 so now I am about halfway done with it. I might just finalize chapters 8 and 9 to give out a Thanksgiving present for everyone who has waited so much, but I am not making any promises.

11-24-08: I have the whole week off for Thanksgiving! I was planning to do a lot of work on my story do that I can (finally) update it. However, I am getting my wisdom teeth removed tomorrow...yeah. I'm mostly worried about what I might say under anesthetics because my brother was singing the goldfish jingle and asking for nickels after his wisdom teeth were removed. (sigh) And, it'll be just before Thanksgiving, too! Oh well, but I do hope that I will have enough time to work on my story so I can update it, though.

Oh, and to all people whom I haven't gotten around to reviewing their story. I have been having a ton of homework and I try to work on my story in my little free time when my parents aren't around. I will try to review soon because I have a week off.

11-15-08: Rough draft of chapter 10 finished. Once I finish 11 and 12, I will start the proofreading of 8 and publish it. Hopefully, I will have gotten to that point in a few weeks.

11-04-08: On the story front, I finished chapter 9.

10-21-08: I have decided to create a new community called "Sir Aaron's Archives". It is for all stories relating to Aura. So far, there are not many. On the story front, I have finished writing a rough draft of the first half of chapter nine. It is going smoothly, so the draft should be done by the end of the week. Chapter eight still has to be finalized, though. Bye!

10-13-08: Good news! After months of writers block, I finally came up with a half-decent idea for my story. I even completed a rough draft for the next chapter. It needs some work to be good, but it is a lot more than I had a week ago. Also, before I update the new chapter, I want to write most if not all of the rest of the story so that I know what changes I might need to make for the story to flow better before I upload it. Also note, this part was the only part of the story I was having serious trouble with so the rest should flow more easily now that I got something at least half-way good.

With all good news; however, there is bad news. We recently got a new 47" HDTV and, while it may sound good, was put in the same room as the computer I do all my writing. I usually did my writing when my parents were asleep or in the other room watching TV, but now the computer room has become the place to watch TV making my time to write a lot more restricted than it already was.

On another note, my one-shot I was working on was only being worked on because of my writer's block, so now that it is over with, it will most likely never see the light of day. That was just in case anyone was wondering.

Next Update Date: When I get 5 more to all of the chapters written and finalized. Hopefully soon. Bye!

09-08-08: I am so sorry for not updating for the past month. Just so you know, I am not dead, in case you were wondering. A few things have kept me from updating, mainly school. It sucks. In order to "Save Money" the school board decided to change the bus schedule making high school start at 9:15 a.m.! That means I don't get home until 5 in the afternoon, giving me barely enough time left to do homework. Being in 10th grade isn't much better. My think my English Honors teacher is trying to convert me to Judaism and my Chem Honors teacher can't teach. To add to my already busy schedule, my ex-girlfriend whom I thought hated me all last year turned out to think that I hated her, and now she wanting to get back together with me and go to homecoming just after I finally got over her. But you aren't here to learn about my personal problems. The other reason why I haven't been updating: A serious case of writer's block. I know what is supposed to happen in my story, but I just can't find a way to link it to what I have now. All my tries so far have ended up making sucky chapters. As soon as I get inspiration for a good next chapter, I will write it. To get the creative juices flowing, I have been working on a one-shot that I have been working on during what little free time I have. Just so you know, it is going to be dark, and I am unsure what the final rating will be. I have added it to the stories section, and I have expanded the quotes section a bit. Stay tuned for more. Bye!

08-08-08: Happy day with with day, month, and year the same number. To celebrate I uploaded chapter 7. Oh, and happy Olympics

08-01-08: Updated chapter 6...yay.

07-31-08: I finished rewriting Chapters 1-5. I should finish working on 6 soon.

07-22-08: I added a media section. There is only one thing right now there, but eventually there will be more.

07-17-08: I updated the Miscellaneous section to include a Hype Section for upcoming things I looking forward to. I also added a theme song for Esteban. So far, the rewriting of Aura Guardian is 0 percent. This is because I only have a month left in Summer and I still need to finish my Summer Reading. Sorry for the lack of updates, so just so you know, I'm not dead yet. I will try to update before school starts August 20, but no promises.

06-30-08: I am thinking of rewriting my story so far. It is not turning out the way I was hoping. If I end up changing it, it will be made to be a stand-alone story instead of the first part of a trilogy as I was hoping. It needs some serious finagling.

06-16-08: Chapter 5 is now up! I also added "tools of the trade" and "pokemon" to my OC descriptions and added information on Una. I also have to start to focus more on my summer reading for school so updates might become less frequent.

06-10-08: I uploaded chapter 4. I hope you like it.

06-09-08:I got bored so I made the table of contents on my profile actually link to the different sections on my profile. Why? Because I can, that's why! I also fixed the quotes a bit. I realized that on my story, I had chapter 3 posted on chapter 2 and 3. It is now fixed.

06-08-08: I updated my profile. I now have quotes...yay.

06-06-08: I uploaded Ch. 3 of Aura Guardian. I hope that everyone likes it. I also added more information to my profile.

06-02-08:I created my profile...yay. I also uploaded Ch. 2 of Aura Guardian. Today is also my last day of school because I am exempt from my exams, so today is my first official day of Summer. I plan to update more frequently.

Pairings I Like

Pokemon

Altoshipping: (Ash x Latias) I used to not like this one, but it has grown on me and had become my favorite. Of course, this will only exist in Fan-Fiction because Ash is never going to meet Latias again in the show.

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Dresden Files
(I don't know the names of the fowwing ships, so I will just say who it is between)

Dresden x Murphy: Although it will probably never happen in the books, I think that this one is the best. Murphy is the woman Dresden knows the best and longest (and she has the least issues). They would make a great couple, but Murphy didn't think so in Proven Guilty.

Dresden x Luccio: I had very slight thoughts about this, even before Small Favor. After Small Favor, this has become more likely. However, it might not go anywhere because she is the Captain of the Wardens, but you never know. She is over a hundred years old, but in the body of a young woman. This comes in second after the one above.

Hendricks x Gard: This is a minor one of mine. It is hinted to in Small Favor, but there is not much more evidence to it. I kind of like it though, what with him being a hired gun, and her being a Valkyrie.

Stories

In Progress

Aura Guardian: Secret of Altomare: This story is set five years after Pokemon Heroes. Esteban is one of the last Aura Guardians. A mysterious cult, known as The Order of Arceus, plans to use the Soul Dew for unknown purposes. It is up to Esteban, Latias, and others to discover the True Secret of Altomare first to save the city and the world. (This is the best summary I could write without revealing too much of the story)
STATUS: In progress. Chapters 10, 11 written; needs to be finalized. 10 percent chapter 12 written.

Miracle in Lilycove: A prequel to Aura Guardian set a few years beforehand. It is Christmas time in Lilycove, and Esteban is having trouble surviving all the commercialization. However he soon runs into a not so innocent virgin, an artful dodger, a couple masters of aura, and the mafia. As he helps save his new friends on Christmas Eve, Esteban discovers that beneath all the commercialization, true Christmas Spirit still exists in the city.
STATUS: Last few chapters were accidentally deleted. Will be re-written if there is demand for it.

Deus Ex Machina (Working Title): A story about personal tragedy and trial one must face to get accept reality. No more info until it comes close to release. One-Shot
STATUS: 5 percent. Currently on hold until I feel like finishing it.

Major Original Characters
Information does not contain spoilers from unreleased chapters.
Do not read if you have not read the the latest chapters.
Little information at first, more will be added as time goes on.

Aura Guardian (As of Ch. 6)

Esteban: Main Character, One of the last Aura Guardians
Gender: Male
Age: 21
Eye Color: Red
Hair Color: Black
Appearance: He wears a long duster coat, broad rimmed hat, black shirt, and baggy pants. He has a pokemon-less trainer's belt. He carries a staff and wears special gloves so he can focus his aura. He also wears a golden cross necklace.
Tools of the Trade: Aura (Uses gloves and staff to focus aura)
Pokemon: None
Other: He traveled to Altomare because his Teacher has told him to. He does not know why. He has run into Una on multiple occasions in the city.

Theme: Scars of Time (Chrono Cross). I think that this song has a good mixture of mystery and adventure, just like what I think Esteban is. Just so you know, I never played the game the song is from. PM me if you have thoughts on it.

Una: Member of The Order of Arceus
Gender: Female
Age: 21
Eye Color: Blue
Hair Color: Red
Appearance: She has long flowing red hair. She is described as looking like someone's "younger sister" and a "cheerleader". She wears blue jeans, a black t-shirt, and a bulletproof crimson vest. The vest has a number "1" on it and a logo with the letters "OA".
Tools of the Trade: .40 caliber handgun
Pokemon: Blaziken
Other: Seen coming to Altomare in a black speedboat. She is looking for the Soul Dew in the city and confused Esteban for a Latios. She wants the "True Secret" of Altomare. Very complicated person that may or may not turn out to be good in the end.

Tetra: Leader of The of Order of Arceus.
Gender: Female
Age: 27
Eye Color: Green
Hair Color: Platinum Blond
Appearance: Always wears a business pin-stripe suit. Her platinum blond hair is tied in a bun and has a few bangs coming down. Although she is Una's sister, there doesn't seem to be much of a resemblance.
Tools of the Trade: .50 caliber handgun
Pokemon: None seen so far
Other: First seen at the Gala at the Altomare Museum of History. She is cold and merciless and will do anything to reach her goal of finding Altomare's True Secret.

Teacher: Esteban's teacher. Deceased soon before events in Aura Guardian. Real name is Azalea.
Gender: Female
Age: unknown
Appearance: unknown
Tools of the Trade: Aura
Pokemon: Unknown
Other: Esteban's golden cross once belonged to her. She told Esteban to go to Altomare when she dies.

Media
Note: I didn't make/own these videos

Videos:

Dancing 2008: This is a great video. I dare you to watch this and NOT smile.

Miscellaneous

Likes:

Books: Dresden Files (Great series, you should try it), Harry Potter, Series of Unfortunate Events.
Movies: Star Wars, Indiana Jones, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Pokemon (5, 8, 10), too many others that I don't want to bother listing.
TV Shows: Heroes, House, EUReKA, Doctor Who, Torchwood, X-Play, Attack of the Show (but it's quality has severely declined in recent months), Food Network shows.
Video Game: Simulations, Adventure, Action/Adventure, Racing, Flying.
Music: Techno/Dance, Classic Rock, Country.
Activities: Daydreaming, Making fun of other people's grammar (Including my own), Computer things, Writing, Drawing.
Pokemon: Latios, Latias, Arceus, Lucario, Mew.
People: Persons (Individuals)

Dislikes:

Books: The ones I have to read for summer reading (Except Hound of the Baskervilles)
Movies:Hippie-Liberal-Propaganda-Documentaries (Sicko, Fahrenheit 9/11, An Inconvenient Truth), Movies with Jane Fonda
TV Shows: Pokemon (The movies are good, the show is a piece of crap.), most Anime, Sitcoms.
Video Games: First Person Shooters (With the exception of The Conduit, I'm looking forward to that), gory games
Music: Rap (Retards Attempting Poetry), Heavy Metal
Activities: Nothing, School (Even though I'm 2ndin my class), Writing with a prompt I can't write about, FCAT
Pokemon:Giratina (The only pokemon to severely creep me out for some reason), Shaymin (If I saw that thing, I would get out the compound bow), Most pokemon from Jhoto region (I just...don't...like them).
People: People (as a group)

Stuff I'm Looking foreward to (Hype Section):

Books: The rest of the Dresden Files Series with the next one being Turn Coat.
Movies: Harry Potter 6 (I can't belive they pushed it back to next year! Ugh!), 7 pt. 1, and 7 pt. 2.
Video Games: Sims 3 (PC), The Conduit (Wii) (I'm not usually a fan of FPS's, but The Conduit is looking REALLY good for a Wii exclusive).

Facts:

I never really like the Pokemon show or movies. Well, that is until I saw Pokemon Heroes a few years ago. I was bored so I just decided to watch it out of sheer curiosity. It was actually not the worthless piece of crap I thought it would be. I tried watching the actual anime, but it still sucked. The only game I played was Pokemon Ruby, and it was not that bad. Then intrest faded a little until I got an iPod Touch on Christmas 2007 and when I was sick one weekend a couple months later. At night, I couldn't sleep, so I decided to take advantage of my iPod's you tube feature. I watched the 10th pokemon movie, and I like that one. In the following weeks, I watched the other 9 movies using the privacy of my iPod, all on you tube. The best were 5, 8, and 10 in that order. Now, I can't help it but laugh at irony that I am writing Fan Fiction of Pokemon, and I hate the show.

I never thought that I would ever be writing Fan Fiction (let alone about pokemon, for heaven's sake). I used to think that it was only for crazy fanatics of whatever they were writing about. After reading a fanfic (again on my iPod), I realized that it is not stupid, but actually creative. On my long bus rides to school, I often daydream. I once daydreamed a vague outline of a story, after which I thought that it could actually be a pretty good fanfic (don't ask why I daydreamed about Pokemon, because I don't know). I finalized the story a bit more, and it eventually became the story I am writing right now. I am going to try to write some other pokemon fanfics, and maybe even a Dresden Files one if I can come up with a good story.

I may like art and draw occasionally, but I can't draw to save my life. I might have the image in my head, put it can never come out on paper. Which sucks because I would like to draw good pictures. Next year, I am taking a art class so that I might actually draw something good. Maybe even to the point that I can use it as my profile image at the top of this page.

I find that inspiration comes more easily if you don't think about it. If you have writer's block, let your mind wander. Listening to music or daydreaming while letting your mind wander might actually make you think of a good scene for your story. It has worked for me when trying trying to come up with the plot line of my story.

Quotes
The following quotes are in no particular order.

Quotes by me:

I am optimistic! I'm very optimistic! In fact, I was voted most optimist in the Pessimist Club!
-Me trying to convince others I am optimistic.

Antagonists are like cockroaches. They have a terrible habit of not dieing and popping up at the worst possible time.
-Me talking about my characters to a fellow fan fiction writer.

Aura Guardian

...all the while I was thanking God for the small things in life; like still having clean and dry pants.
-Esteban narrating the story when Lorenzo points his shotgun at him. Ch. 3

“So, Esteban, what happened to you?” Ross asked. I looked myself over. I did look a little messed up.
“A mad woman with a gun and an oversized chicken; that’s what happened,” I said with a smile.
He nodded. “Ah, relationship issues."
-Esteban and Ross in Ch. 6.

In a way, it’s like a metaphor. Built with the best intentions, but used for the worst reasons. Everything has a dark and light side. While protecting the city from the worst threats, it is at the same time the greatest treat to the very city it’s protecting. Only a few people could ever step into this and not be corrupted by the power. Anyone who steps in might become the city’s savior, but they can also become death, the destroyer of worlds.
-Esteban describing the D.M.A. in Ch. 7.

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Quotes not by me:

Assumptions

Never assume unless you're certain you're right.
-A friend of mine at school who said it the last school day before Christmas. She is right, you know.

You know what happens when you assume? You make an ass out of u and me.
-Something that my dad says, but I don't know who first said it.

Quotes about Life

In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes.
-Benjamin Franklin

Life's a bitch, and then you die.
-Anonymous

Life is not measured by the number of breaths you take, but by the number of moments that take your breath away.
-Anonymous

Zero Punctuation

I'm too lazy to put all the good ones, so I will just link it to the Wikiquote page here.

EuReKA

Let's not shoot the crazy end of the world machine just yet.
-Jack Carter when Lupo is about to shoot the Tachyon accelerator

Nathan Stark: Of all the people to bring out of suspended animation, I had to wake up another Fargo.
Jack Carter: Yeah, karma's a bitch huh?
-Nathan Stark and Jack Carter when Fargo's grandfather awakens from cyrogenic slumber

It's a ray that causes instant death? (everyone nods) Why don't you just say death ray?
-Jack Carter trying to understand what in the world all the scientists are saying

Dresden Files - by Jim Butcher

The plant monster - No, wait. I couldn't possibly refer to that thing as a "plant monster." I'd be a laughing-stock. It's hard to give a moster a cool name on the spur of the moment, but I used a name I'd heard Bob throw out before. The chlorofiend lifted me up and shook me like a set of maracas.
-Dresden being attacked by a "plant monster", I mean "chlorofiend", in Summer Knight

After a moment he snapped his fingers and said, "Glau, get the computer. The auction is closing in five minutes andthere is always a last-second rush. We'll need to verify an account." He turned back to the phone. "No, unacceptable. A numbered account only. I don't trust those people at ."
"Hey!" I protested. "Are you selling me on eBay?"
Crane winked at me. "Ironic, eh? Though I confess a bit of a surprise. How do you know what it is?"
"I read," I told him.
-Dresden being sold on eBay after being captured in Proven Guilty

"What circumstances are those?" Rosanna demanded.
"The ones where I'm dealing with a pack of two-faced, backstabbing, treacherous, murderous lunatics whom I trust no farther than I can kick."
She regarded me with level, lovely eyes. "And what is the Knights' intended role?" She motioned to the two knights behind me.
"They're here to build trust."
"Trust?" she asked.
"Absolutely. I can kick you a lot farther when they're around."
-Dresden explaining why he brought the two knights with him in Small Favor

"Can you help the child?" Marcone asked.
Dammit. That's the thing I hate the most about Marcone. Every once in a while he says or does something that makes it difficult to label him "scum, criminal" and file him away in a drawer somewhere. I glared at him.
-Dresden thinking when he is rescuing mob-boss Marcone while also rescuing a girl in Small Favor

Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Arthur: I am your king!
Dennis' Mother: Well I didn't vote for you.
Arthur: You don't vote for kings!
Dennis' Mother:How'd you become king, then?
Arthur: The Lady of the Lake, (Angel chorus begins singing in background) her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water signifying by Divine Providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. (Angel chorus ends) That is why I am your king!
Dennis: Listen. Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.
Arthur: Be quiet!
Dennis: You can't expect to wield supreme power just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!
Arthur: Shut up!
-Dennis the Constitutional Peasant arguing with King Arthur about government.

God: (angel chorus plays) Arthur. Arthur, King of the Britons! (Arthur and the Knights grovel) Oh, don't grovel! (chorus stops) If there's one thing I can't stand, it's people groveling.
King Arthur: Sorry.
God: And don't apologize! Every time I try to talk to someone, it's "I'm sorry" this, and "forgive me" that, and "I'm not worthy"...
-God giving his message to King Arthur

Cleric: And Saint Attila raised the Hand Grenade up on high, saying, 'O Lord, bless this Thy HandGrenade that, with it, Thou mayest blow Thine enemies into tiny pieces... in Thy mercy.' And the Lord did grin, and the people did feast upon the lambs, and sloths, and carp, and anchovies, and orangutans, and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats, and large chu —
Brother Maynard: Skip a bit, Brother.
Cleric: And the Lord spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three. No more. No less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once at the number three, being the third number be reached, then, lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it.'
Brother Maynard: Amen.
Knights: Amen.
Arthur: Right! (removes the Holy Pin) One!... Two!... FIVE!
Galahad: Three, sir.
Arthur: THREE!
Arthur throws the Hand Grenade. A chorus of angels sing before it explodes, destroying the rabbit.
-Instructions for the Holy Hand Grenade

Doctor Who

A straight line may be the shortest distance between two points, but it is by no means the most interesting.
-The Third Doctor

Fifth Doctor: Is there something wrong with you?!
Tenth Doctor: Oooooh!! There it goes, the frowny face, I remember that one!! Mind you, bit saggier than it ought to be, hair's a bit greyer...that's 'cause of me though. The two of us together, it's shorted out the time differential, should all snap back into place once we get ya home...remember to close that coat again...but never mind that!! Look at you! The hat, the coat, the crickety-cricket stuff...(with less enthusiasm) the stick of celery...yeah...! Brave choice, celery--but fair play to you! Not many men can carry off a decorative vegetable...!
-The Fifth and Tenth Doctor meeting each other in Time Crash

There is something very wrong with my TARDIS and I've got to do something about it very quickly and it would help, it really would help, if there wasn't some skinny idiot ranting in my face about every single thing that happens to be in front of him!
-The Fifth Doctor getting annoyed at the Tenth Doctor again in Time Crash

That could blow a hole in the space time continuum, the size of... well actually, the exact size of Belgium. That's a bit undramatic, isn't it? "Belgium"?
-The Fifth Doctor explaining the situation in sigh Time Crash

Tenth Doctor: D'ya need this? (offers him the sonic screwdriver)
Fifth Doctor: Nah, I'm fine.
Tenth Doctor: Oh, no, of course. You went all hands-free didn't you? Like, 'Hey, I'm the Doctor. I can save the universe with a kettle and some string. And look at me, I'm wearing a vegetable.'
-Tenth Doctor trying to help the Fifth Doctor in, once again, Time Crash. I need to put quotes from somewhere else.

The Doctor: Oh you're not, are you? Please tell me you're not archaeologists...
Prof. River Song: Got a problem with archaeologists?
The Doctor: I'm a time traveler, I point and laugh at archaeologists.
Prof. River Song Ah. (holds out hand) Professor River Song. Archaeologist.
-Doctor meeting River Song in Silence in the Library.