![]() Author has written 1 story for Peter Pan. Commence Laughter Dress Code Sick Days Holiday Days Compassionate Leave Toilet Use Lunch Break Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere. You know you're truly dedicated to Naruto when you... Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays well, there are all sorts of perks, and you can set your own hours. However, every Evil Overlord I've read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I've noticed that no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists, or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single time. With that in mind, allow me to present . . . The Top 100 Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord 2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through. 3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon. 4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies. 5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness. 6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them. 7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No," and shoot him. On second thought, I'll shoot him, then say, "No." 8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet, civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out. 9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large, red button labeled, "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labeled as such. 10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well. 11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat. 12. One of my advisers will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation. 13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of a cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal. 14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request. 15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 1:17 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation. 16. I will never utter the sentence, "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know." 17. When I employ people as advisers, I will occasionally listen to their advice. 18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time. 19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father. 20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly. 21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman foot soldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mindset. 22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head. 23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks. 24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line, "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.) 25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot. 26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber. 27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times. 28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble. 29. I will dress in bright and cheery colours, and so throw my enemies into confusion. 30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be pre-emptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief. 31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick. 32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by. 33. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions. 34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps. 35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X. 36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison. 37. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant. 38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harbouring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age. 39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army. 40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable super weapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve. 41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices. 42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, naked mole rat, or whatever sickeningly-cute, little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around. 43. I will maintain a healthy amount of scepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans. 44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance. 45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say, "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling. 46. If an adviser says to me, "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?" I will reply, "This," and kill the adviser. 47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature. 48. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge. 49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artefact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper. 50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh PowerBooks. 51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position. 52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about. 53. If the beautiful princess that I capture says, "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!", I will say, "Oh well," and kill her. 54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary. 55. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However, before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention. 56. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice. 57. Before employing any captured artefacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual. 58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner. 59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am. 60. My five-year-old child adviser will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords. 61. If my advisers ask, "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them. 62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a fire fight. 63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals. 64. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage. 65. If I must have computer systems with publicly available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment Room. 66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system. 67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency. 68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again. 69. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild. 70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner. 71. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no. 72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable super-weapon on them. 73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisers assure me it is impossible for them to win. 74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old adviser can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk. 75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time. 76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.) 77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer. 78. I will not tell my Legions of Terror, "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be, "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical." 79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins. 80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress. 81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw. 82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure. 83. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him. 84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex. 85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the twelve Stones of Power on the sacred altar, then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of, "Push the button." 86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded. 87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them. 88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again. 89. After I capture the hero's super-weapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him. 90. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door. 91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important. 92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say that his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.) 93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first. 94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value. 95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look. 96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa. 97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled. 98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstances have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution. 99. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size. 100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access. The Little Girl A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five- and six-year-olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy Father and thy Mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Euro-English In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20 shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expected to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the language is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords containing "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve wil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas. Handling Kids is Easy. Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear. Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?" The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose." The Best of Bumper Stickers. Keep honking while I reload. If we are what we eat; I’m cheap, fast, and easy. Bad Cop! No Donut! It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. It’s as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you. When you do a good deed, get a receipt, just in case heaven is like the IRS. I took an IQ test and the results were negative . . . Is that bad?? Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check? If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat? My karma ran over my dogma. Give me ambiguity or give me something else, maybe. Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes. Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? Diplomacy is the art of saying, ‘Nice, doggie!’ . . . 'till you can find a rock. TOP TEN Excuses If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk At Work: 9. "This is just a fifteen minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to." 8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the white-out. You probably got here just in time!" 7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm." 6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance." 5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?" 4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem." 3. "The coffee machine is broken . . ." 2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot . . ." And the #1 excuse to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk. 1. " . . . AMEN!" In Case You Need Further Proof That The Human Race Is Doomed Because Of Stupidity, Here Are Some Actual Label Instructions On Consumer Goods: On a Myer hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping". On a bag of Chips: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. On a bar of Palmolive soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap". On some frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost". On Nanna's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down". On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating". On a Korean kitchen knife: "Warning: keep out of children." On packaging for a K-Mart iron: "Do not iron clothes on body". On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication". On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness". On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only". On a Japanese food processor:"Not to be used for the other use". On Nobby's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts". On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts". On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly". On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals". Many English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual similes and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners: 2. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. 3. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up. 4. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. 5. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree. 6. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine. 7. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. 8. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup. 9. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30. 10. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease. 11. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. travelling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. 12. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. 13. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River. 14. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut. 15. Shots rang out, as shots are known to do. 16. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work. 17. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while. 18. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something. 19. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant. 20. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools. 21. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up. RULES FOR LIFE AT HOGWARTS 2) I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class. 3) I will not, under any circumstances, ask Harry Potter who died and made him boss. 4) Professor Flitwick's first name is not Yoda. 5) First years are not allowed to be fed to Fluffy. 6) I will not give Hagrid Pokemon cards and convince him they're real animals. 7) When Death-Eaters are attacking Hogsmeade, I shall not point at the Dark Mark and shout, "To the Bat Mobile, Robin!" 8) It's not necessary for me to yell "BURN!" every time Snape takes house points from Gryffindor. 9) I will not scare the Arithmancy students with my Calculus book. 10) I will not hold my wand in the air before casting spells shouting, "I got the power!" 11) I will not tell Sir Cadogan that the Knights who say Ni have challenged him to a duel and then have students yell "Ni!" from various directions. (Highly inappropriate, albeit very funny.) 12) I am not allowed to sing my own personal spy music when wandering the halls. 13) "To conquer the earth with flying monkeys" is not an appropriate career choice. 14) I am not allowed to paint the house elves blue and call them smurfs. 15) "Draco Malfoy, Take it up the arse" is not an acceptable Quidditch chant. 16) I will not dress up as Voldemort for Halloween. 17) "Ya'll check this shit out!" is not an appropriate way to announce that I am about to conduct an experimental spell. 18) I will not say the phrase, "Dude, get a life," to Voldemort. 19) I am no longer allowed to use the words "pimp cane" in front of Draco Malfoy. 20) Should I chance to see a Death Eater wearing a white mask, I should not start singing anything from The Phantom of the Opera. Favorite Quotes "I don't fear dying, because my death is someone else's responsibility." "Patience isn't a virtue, just a waste of time." "The victor will never be asked if he told the truth." WOW, if you're all the way down here you either read it all or skipped past it, then there's always the option that you have no idea what you're doing down here. Hi there, how's it going? You know, I'm not really sure what I'm doing down here either... |
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