Hi! I'm Murasaki Tori!

How to scare your roommate:

1. Make brown-bag lunches for your roommate every morning. Give them to him/her before he/she goes to class.
2. Every time you enter the room, sit in a chair, lean back too far, and fall over backwards. Laugh hysterically for about ten minutes. Then, one day, repeat the falling-over exercise, but instead of laughing, get up, look at the chair sternly, and say, "It's not funny anymore."
3. Read with a flashlight when the lights are on. Pretend to read without one when the lights are out, remarking every so often how great the book is. -
4. Get a surfboard. Put it on your bed. Stand on it, and pretend to surf for about fifteen minutes. Then, pretend to "wipe out," and fall off the bed onto the floor. Pretend you are drowning until your roommate comes over to "rescue" you.
5. Keep a hamster as a pet. Buy a blender, and make milkshakes every day. Then, one day, get rid of the hamster. Make a shake using a lot of ketchup. When your roommate comes in, look at the shake, look at the empty cage, and tell your roommate, "I was curious."
6. Make toast for breakfast every morning, but don't plug the toaster in. Eat the plain bread, looking at the toaster angrily, and complain that the toaster doesn't know what it's doing. If your roommate suggests plugging it in, go on a tangent about fire-safety hazards.
7. Pack up all of your things and tell your roommate that you're going away to "find yourself." Leave, and come back in about ten minutes. If your roommate asks, explain that you're not a hard man to find.
8. Never speak to your roommate directly. If you need to ask or tell him/her something, go to another room and call him/her on the phone.
9. Every night, before you go to bed, beg your roommate for a glass of water. When he/she brings it, dump it on the floor and immediately go to sleep. If he/she ever refuses to bring you a glass of water, lie on the bed and pretend to be dying of dehydration, making annoying gagging sounds, until he/she does so.
10. Every time the phone rings, turn on the stereo at full volume and begin to violently slam-dance with your roommate. If he/she asks about it, say, "Oh, that damn hypnotist..."
11. Hang a picture of your roommate on the wall. Throw darts at it. Smile at your roommate often, saying things like, "How nice to see you again."
12. Get a can of beans. Label them, "Jumping beans." Eat them, and then jump around the room. Get another can of beans. Label them, "Dancing beans." Eat them, and then dance around the room. Get another can of beans. Label them, "Kill Your Roommate beans." Eat them, smiling at your roommate.
13. Every time your roommate falls asleep, wait ten minutes, and then wake him/her up and say, "It's time to go to bed now."
14. Insist that your roommate recite the "Pledge Of Allegiance" with you every morning.
15. Recite "Dr. Seuss" books, all the time. Eventually, think up melodies for the words and sing them, loudly, directly to your roommate. If he/she tells you to stop, act offended and spend the day in bed.
16. Put up traffic signs around the room. If your roommate doesn't obey them, give him/her tickets. Confiscate something your roommate owns until he/she pays the tickets.
17. Walk, talk, and dress like a cowboy at all times. If your roommate inquires, tell him/her, "Don't worry little buckaroo. You'll be safe with me."
18. Complain that your elbows, knees, and other joints have been bothering you. Get a screwdriver, and pretend to "fix" them.
19. Paint abstract paintings, and title them things like, "Roommate Dying in a Car Crash," and "Roommate Getting Whacked in the Head with a Shovel." Comment often about how much you love the paintings.
20. Wear glasses, and complain that you can never see anything. Bump into walls and doors. Put your clothes on backwards. Say, "Who's that?" every time your roommate enters the room. When you're not wearing the glasses, act like you can see fine.
21. Buy a lava lamp. Stare at it for hours, imitating its movements with your face. Explain to your roommate that you have established a connection with the spirit world through the lava lamp. Tell your roommate that "Grandma said hi."
22. Keep empty jars on the shelf. Tell your roommate that this is your collection of "inert gases." Look at them often. One day, act surprised and angered, and accuse your roommate of having released one of the gases. Cover your nose and mouth and run out of the room.
23. Wear scary Halloween masks. Look in the mirror and scream hysterically for about five minutes every time you put one on.
24. Roller-skate up and down the hallway. Every time you see your roommate, crash into him/her and knock him/her down. Apologize, and say that he/she looked like "the enemy."
25. Put headphones on your roommate while he/she is sleeping, and subliminally teach him/her to speak Spanish, play the trombone, and memorize all the major imports and exports of each African nation.
26. Stick your head out the window, but forget to open it, so that your head crashes through the glass. Then say, "Silly me," open the window again, and try to stick your head through. Act like you hit your head on something.
27. Dress like a military officer. Insist that your roommate salute you upon sight. If he/she refuses, insist that he/she do 100 push-ups. Keep saying things like, "Your momma isn't here to take care of you any more."
28. Keep a collection of teeth in a jar. Act excited whenever you add to it, and say things like, "In a little while I'll have enough for that sailboat."
29. Get a pet rabbit. At a designated time every day, take the rabbit into the bathroom and engage in loud shouting matches. If your roommate inquires, refuse to discuss the situation.
30. Spread toothpicks all over the floor. Stare at them, acting like you're trying to read something. Tell your roommate it's a message from God, but you're not sure whether it's a warning about a loved one in danger or a recipe for really great chili.

Fun Stuff to Do in an Elevator

1.Teach the people french. Don't let them leave till they get it right.
2.Yodel.
3.Explain your ideas of world domination to the wall.
4.While the doors are opening, hurriedly whisper, "Hide it...quick!" then whistle innocently.
5.Explain to the passengers that this lift looks the same as the ones on all the other floors.
6.Re-enact scenes from a movie where someone climbs out through the roof.
7.Tell people their clothes are stuck in the lift door, when the look round and see it isn't, apologize, then 5 seconds later say it again in exactly the same tone of voice.
8.Dress up as a bellboy and ask them what floor they want and press the wrong one. When they try to correct you, spit,"are you trying to say I can't do my job?!'
9.Paint the walls.
10.Put super glue on the buttons and wait till someone presses them.
11.Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
12.Wear X-Ray Specs and leer suggestively at other passengers.
13.Stare at your thumb and say I think it's getting larger.
14.If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler Bad touch!
15.Hand out leaflets - "what to do when the lift cable breaks. The ten tips that will keep your body in one piece (although these tips will not save your life, it will make the rescue a bit cleaner, and we won't have to spend ages cleaning the blood of the walls) Hope you will live to do it again!"
16.Let your mobile phone ring - don't answer it.
17.Come on with a bottle of tomato juice or V8. Take a sip and say "aah, blood. so good." in a Transylvanian accent.
18.Walk into the lift and say "this reminds me of being buried alive. Ah those were the days"
19.On entering, ask the passengers "Will you be my friend?". Burst into tears if they say no.
20.Just as you're about to get off, announce in a computer like voice "this lift will self destruct in 5 4 3 2 ...oh here's my floor"
21.Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers through it.
22.Start a sing-along.
23.When the elevator is silent, look around and ask is that your beeper?
24.Play the harmonica.
25.Lean against the button panel.
26.Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
27.Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: Wanna see wha in muh mouf?
28.Blow spit bubbles.
29.Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
30.Announce in a demonic voice: I must find a more suitable host body.
31.Crack open your briefcase or handbag, peer inside and ask “Got enough air in there?”
32.Stand silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.When arriving at your floor grunt and strain to yank the doors open, and then act as if you’re embarrassed when they open themselves.
33.Greet everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.
34.Meow occasionally
35.Stare at another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: “You’re one of them”- and back away slowly
36.Say- Ding at each floor.
37.Say “I wonder what all these do?” And push all the red buttons.
38.Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
39.Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: “I have new socks on.”
40.When the elevator is silent, look around and ask: “Is that your phone ringing?”
41.Try to make personal calls on the emergency phone.
42.Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: “This is my personal space.”
43.When there’s only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, and pretend it wasn’t you.
44.Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
45.Ask if you can push the button for other people but push all the wrong ones.
46.Hold the doors open and say you’re waiting on a friend. After a while, let the doors close and say “Hi Greg, how’s your day been?”
47.Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: “That’s mine!”
48.Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.
49.Pretend you’re a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
50.Swat at flies that don’t exist.
51.Call out “Group hug” then enforce it.
52.Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.
53.Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they have an apointment.
54.Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.
55.Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking.
56.Ask, "Did you feel that?"
57.Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
58.When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay, don't panic, they open again!"
59.Tell people that you can see their aura.
60.Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
61.Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
62.Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!
63.Whistle the first seven notes of It's a Small World incessantly.
64.Sell Girl Scout cookies.
65.Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
66.Lean over to another passenger and whisper: Noogie patrol coming!
67.Two words: beat boxing.
68.On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go plink at the bottom.
69.Do Tai Chi exercises.f
70.When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!
71.Give religious tracts to each passenger.
72.Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
73.Frown and mutter gotta go, gotta go then sigh and say oops!
74.Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
75.Sing Mary had a little lamb while continually pushing buttons.
76.Holler Bombs away! whenever the elevator descends.
77.Walk on with a cooler that says human head on the side.
78.Burp, and then say mmmm...tasty!
79.Leave a box between the doors.
80.Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them. Especially if you're on the other side of a crowded lift.

100 things to do while ordering pizza

1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
3. Use CB lingo where applicable.
4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.
7. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.
8. Answer their questions with questions.
9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.
10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST- EFFICIENT UKRAINIAN PUCE.
11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's Master of Puppets" CD.
13. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."
15. Stutter on the letter "p."
16. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Domino's, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)
17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.
18. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.
19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
20. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.
21. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
22. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.
23. Change your accent every three seconds.
24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"
26. Start your order with "I'd like. . . ". A little later, slap yourself and say "No, I don't."
27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be 10.99; please pull up to the first window."
28. Rent a pizza.
29. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.
30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
31. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.
32. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."
33. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?"
34. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.
35. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
36. Imitate the order taker's voice.
37. Eliminate verbs from your speech.
38. When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."
39. Play a sitar in the background.
40. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.
41. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.
42. Ask to see a menu.
43. Quote Carl Sandberg.
44. Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.
45. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
46. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.
47. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.
48. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.
49. Shout "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!"
50. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you?"
51. Psychoanalyze the order taker.
52. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.
53. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."
54. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.
55. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.
56. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's fired.
57. Report a petty theft to the order taker.
58. Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town."
59. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
60. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."
61. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.
62. Try to talk while drinking something.
63. Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . . action!"
64. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
65. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
66. Be vague in your order.
67. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."
68. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.
69. After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff.
70. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."
71. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.
72. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
73. Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.
74. Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.
75. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.
76. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.
77. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.
78. Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.
79. Put them on hold.
80. Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.
81. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."
82. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." .Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
83. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"
84. When you're given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."
85. Haggle.
86. Order a one-inch pizza.
87. Order term life insurance.
88. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"
89. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.
90. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.
91. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.
92. Engage in some serious swapping.
93. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."
94. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.
95. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.
96. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.
97. Order a steamed pizza.
98. Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up.
99. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.
100. If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, say #100. in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."

10 reasons not to mess with a child

Reason 1: A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah.” The teacher asked, ” What if Jonah went to hell?” The little girl replied, “Then you ask him”.

Reason 2: A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.” The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.” Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, “They will in a minute.”

Reason 3: A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year old After explaining the commandment to “honor” thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?” Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, “Thou shall not kill.”

Reason 4: One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?” Her mother replied, “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.” The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, “Momma, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?”

Reason 5: The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. “Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, he’s a doctor.’ A small voice at the back of the room rang out,”And there’s the teacher, she’s dead. ”

Reason 6: A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, “Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face..” “Yes,” the class said. “Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?” A little fellow shouted, “Cause your feet ain’t empty.”

Reason 7: The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: “Take only ONE. God is watching.” Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, “Take all you want - God is watching the apples.

Reason 8: After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother,
"Mom, I’ve decided to become a minister when I grow up."
"That’s okay with us, but what made you decide that?"
"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway,
and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."

Reason 9: A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.
"How do you know what to say?" he asked.
"Why, God tells me."
"Oh . . . Then why do you keep crossing things out?"

Reason 10: The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
"No sir," little Johnny replies, "I don’t have to. My mom is a good cook."

Controversial Issues:

1) Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, liposuction, and air conditioning.
2) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.
3) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets, because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.
4) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.
5) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage is allowed; the sanctity of Britney Spears's 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.
6) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.
7) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.
8) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.
9) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.
10) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.
Repost this if you believe in legalizing gay marriage.

How sweet...

Girl: Do I ever cross your mind?

Boy: No.

Girl: Do you like me?

Boy: No.

Girl: Do you want me?

Boy: No.

Girl: Would you cry if I left?

Boy: No.

Girl: Would you live for me?

Boy: No.

Girl: Would you do anything for me?

Boy: No.

Girl: Choose—me or your life?

Boy: My life

The girl runs away in shock and pain and boy runs after and says..

The reason you don't cross my mind is because you're always on my mind.

The reason why I don't like you is because I love you.

The reason why I don't want you is because I need you.

The reason I wouldn't cry if you left is because I would die if you left.

The reason I wouldn't live for you is because I would die for you.

The reason why I'm not willing to do anything for you is because I would do everything for you.

The reason I chose my life is because you ARE my life.

Bye! ^^