Hello! Well now, I think I should talk about myself a bit shouldn't I? *Warning! My profile makes no sense! Have fun!

Name: Atlanta

Where I live: In Canada

My favorite color: Blood Red.

Favorite sport(s): Badminton, Horseback Riding, Archery and reading if it counts :)

I am a very big BOOKWORM!

A few series that I have read are,

1. Percy Jackson (obviously!)

2. Inheritance Cycle

3. The Seven Realms

4. Eon and Eona

5. The Kane Chronicles

6. The Secrets of the Immortal Nicholas Flammel

7. The Dragon Keeper Chronicles

8. Divergent

and MUCH more!

I also watched Fairy Tail though I'm not that far. Well I dunno what else to write other than all of those weird things... Maybe what animes/mangas I watched/read?

Noragami

Noragami Aragoto

Akatsuki no Yona

Beelzebub

Black Butler

Skip Beat!

Shitsuji-sama no Okiniiri

Unbreakable Machine Doll

MuvLuv Alternative Ending Total Eclipse

Virgin Blood - Hiiro no Bansan

Uragiri wa Boku no Namae wo Shitteiru

Uchi no Heika ga Shinmai de.

Torokeru You na Kiss wo Kanadete

The Princess and the Three Beasts

The Prince's Cactus

Taiyou no Ie

Soredemo Sekai wa Utsukushii

Shiny Doll

Shinigamihime no Saikon-Baraen no Tokei Koushaku

Shinigami Lovers

Shinigami Hime no Saikon

Shingeki no Kyojin

Black Bullet

Infinite Stratos (Season 1 and 2)

The Irregular at Magic High School

Code Geass (Lelouch of the Rebellion and Akito of the Exiled)

RustBlaster

Rensou no Aria

Pureblood Boyfriend

Otomen

Otome, Sakazu ni Chiru na Kare

Ore ga Akuma de, Aitsu ga Yome de

Okobore Hime to Entaku no Kishi

Ojousama no Untenshu

Obito no HIme to Kubinashi Kishi

Mitsu Aji Blood

Meine Liebe

Mahouka Koukou no Yuutousei

Mahouka Koukou no Rettousei Tsuiokuhen

Mahouka Koukou no Rettousei Raihousha Hen

Love Stage!!

Back Stage!!

Brother's Conflict

L-DK

Love So Life

Kyuukyoku Venus

Kuroorihime to Kawaki no OU

Kuro Hakushaku wa Hoshi o Mederu

Hakushaku to Yousei

Koisuru Herb Shohousen

Koiiro Senritsu Double Ouji

Koi, Hirari

Kiss de Seiyaku

Kare ga Cafe ni Iru no nara

Houkago x Ponytail

Horimiya

Honey Hunt

Hirunaka no Ryuusei

Himitsu no Shitsuji-kun

Hana to Akuma

Hana to Himegimi to Akuma no Vivian

Haru Matsu Bokura

Game x Rush

Defense Bakari no Koi ja dame!

Billion Girl

Atsu Atsu Trattoria

Asa Chun!

Aoki Umi no Toraware Hime

Anti-Chocolate

Adarshan no Hanayome

16-Sai,

Shinkon Hajimemashita

16 Life

1/2 Love

Uta no Prince Sama

Seiken Tsukai no World Break

Gakusen Toshi Asterisk

Hagure Yuusha no Aesthetica

Juuou Mujin no Fafnir

Seirei Tsukai no Blade Dance

Hidan no Aria

Rakudai Kishi no Cavalry

Madan no ou to Vanadis

Kusen Madoshi Kohosei no Kyokan

Fairy Tail

Date a Live

No Game No Life

Himouto Umaru-Chan

Sakurasou no Pet na Kanojo

Ichiban Ushiro no Daimaou

Ao no Exorcist

Strike the Blood

Kamisama no Inai Nichiyoubi

Inu x Boku SS

07 Ghost

Kaichou wa Maid Sama

Taimadou Gakuen 35 Shiken Shoutai

Diabolik Lovers

Kamigami no Asobi

Hanayaka Nari Waga Ichizoku: Kinetograph

Engaged to the Unidentified

Akane iro ni Somaru Saka

Soul Eater

Fullmetal Alchemist

Luck and Logic

Saijaku Muhai no Bahamut

Shugo Chara

Trinity Seven

Mahou Sensou

Kore wa Zombie Desu ka?

Arisa

Kitchen Princess

Ouran Highschool Host Club

Love Sick

Sugar Family

Charlotte

Hehe! I guess you could say that I'm an otaku... Nah, weeaboo's a better word I guess. Teehee! Any fanfiction recommendations for any of those animes/mangas or recommendations for anime/mangas themselves are welcome!

I find this absolutely hilarious!

Man: Where have you been all my life?

Woman: Hiding from you.

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?

Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?

Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?

Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?

Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?

Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.

Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.

Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.

Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put u and i together

Woman: Really, I'd put f and u together

Man: Your eyes they're amazing.

Woman: Seeing your back would be pretty amazing.

Man: "I know how to please a woman."

Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I want to give myself to you."

Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "I'd go through anything for you."

Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?"

Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"

Woman: "It's in the phone book."

Man: "But I don't know your name."

Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"

Woman: "Do not Enter"

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"

Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man: "Haven't we met before?"

Woman: "Perhaps. I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

FRIENDS/BEST FRIENDS

FRIENDS: Will comfort you when he rejects you.

BEST FRIENDS: Will go up and ask him, "It's because you're gay, isn't it?"

FRIENDS: Will be there for you when he breaks up with you.

BEST FRIENDS: Will call him up and whisper, "Seven days..."

FRIENDS: Helps you up when you fall.

BEST FRIENDS: Keeps on walking saying, "Walk much, dumb ass?"

FRIENDS: Helps you find your prince.

BEST FRIENDS: Kidnaps him and brings him to you.

FRIENDS: Will ask you if you're okay when you're crying.

BEST FRIENDS: Will laugh at you and say, "Ha Ha, Loser!"

FRIENDS: Will offer you a soda.

BEST FRIENDS: Will dump theirs on you.

FRIENDS: Will sit at the side of the pool with you at that time of the month.

BEST FRIENDS: Will throw you a tampon and push you in.

FRIENDS: Will help you move.

BEST FRIENDS: Will help you move the bodies.

FRIENDS: Will bail you out of jail.

BEST FRIENDS: Would be in the room next to you saying, "That was awesome! Let's do it again!"

FRIENDS: Never ask for anything to eat or drink.

BEST FRIENDS: Helps themselves and are the reason why you have no food.

FRIENDS: Call your parents by Mr. and Mrs. and Grandma, by Grandpa.

BEST FRIENDS: Call your parents DAD and MOM and Granny, GRAMPS!

FRIENDS: Would bail you out of jail.

BEST FRIENDS: Would be sitting next to you sayin "DAMN!" we messed up!"

FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.

BEST FRIENDS: Wont tell everyone else you cried...just laugh about it with you in private when your not down anymore.

FRIENDS: Asks you to write down your number.

BEST FRIENDS: Has you on speed dial.

FRIENDS: Only know a few things about you.

BEST FRIENDS: Could write a very embarrassing biography on your life story...

FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing.

BEST FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds ass that left you

FRIENDS: Would knock on your front door.

BEST FRIENDS: Walk right in and say "I'M HOME."

FRIENDS: You have to tell them not to tell anyone.

BEST FRIENDS: Already know not to tell.

FRIENDS: Ask why you're crying

BEST FRIENDS: Already has the shovel ready to bury the loser that made you cry.

FRIENDS: Will be there to take your drink away from you when they think you've had enough.

BEST FRIENDS: Will look at you stumbling all over the place say "Bitch drink the rest of that ! You know we don't waste!"

FRIENDS: comfort you when you fight with your boyfriend

BEST FRIENDS: go over to his house and kicks his ass

FRIENDS: Bail you outta jail

BEST FRIENDS: sit next to you singing the jail song

FRIENDS: Will pick out a cute chick-flick to watch with you on movie night

BEST FRIENDS: Will pick out "The Ring" for movie night then scare you in the process

FRIENDS: Will be embarassed when all goes silent and you start to sing the song that has been stuck in your head for days

BEST FRIENDS: Will be singing along with you

FRIENDS: Tell you to forget it when you say you want to vandalize a guy's house

BEST FRIENDS: best friends are the ones getting fined by the police with you

FRIENDS: Think your insane for jumping off a roof onto a trampoline

BEST FRIENDS: Are jumping with you

FRIENDS: come over every couple of months for a sleepover

BEST FRIENDS: are your weekend boarders

FRIENDS: are offended when you make fun of them

BEST FRIENDS: kick your ass and all's forgiven

FRIENDS: are shy around your boyfriend

BEST FRIENDS: will tease him till he blushes redder than a fire engine

FRIENDS: don't see you if you're sick

BEST FRIENDS: Are there when you're sitting in a bed under a blanket with a thermometer, book, and your phone

FRIENDS:dare you to scream into the street

BEST FRIENDS: dare you to go streaking

FRIENDS: call you retarded for running threw bleachers yelling "IT'S PICKLE TIME!"

BEST FRIENDS: are screaming and running with you

FRIENDS: Meet your boyfriend and say nice to meet you

BEST FRIENDS: Meet your boyfriend and scare the Hell out of him by threatening to break every bone in his body if he hurts you

FRIENDS: Will tell you they know how you feel

BEST FRIENDS: Will sit down and cry with you

FRIENDS: Ask nicely for your stuff

BEST FRIENDS: Just shout "GIMME"

FRIENDS: Wait to call you at a reasonable hour

BEST FRIENDS: Will call you at two in the freaking morning

FRIENDS: Won't let you do stupid things

BEST FRIENDS: won't let you do stupid things 'alone'.

«FRIENDS: Will take you to buy a pregnancy test

«BEST FRIENDS: Will stand right next to you screaming "NAME IT AFTER ME!"

FRIENDS: Will buy you lunch

BEST FRIENDS: Will eat yours

FRIENDS: will come and ask you to get a drink with her if some strange boy grabs you on the dance floor and you need an 'out'.

BEST FRIENDS: Will push herself in between you and the punk, wrap her arms around you, and say. "I'm sorry she's here with me, find your own date."

FRIENDS: Will not try anything that will embarrass you while near your crush.

BEST FRIENDS: Will cackle evilly and try to push you 'by accident' into him while standing next to him.

Best Friends

FRIENDS: Lend you their umbrella.

BEST FRIENDS: Take yours and say 'RUN BITCH RUN!'

FRIENDS: Never ask for anything to eat or drink.

BEST FRIENDS: Helps themselves and are the reason why you have no food.

FRIENDS: Call your parents by Mr. and Mrs. and Grandpa, by Grandpa.

BEST FRIENDS: Call your parents DAD and MOM and Grandpa, GRAMPS!

FRIENDS: Would bail you out of jail.

BEST FRIENDS: Would be sitting next to you sayin, "THAT WAS FRICKING AWSOME!"

FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.

BEST

FRIENDS: Won't tell everyone else you cried...just laugh about it with

you in private when your not down anymore/Cry with you.

FRIENDS: Asks you to write down your number.

BEST FRIENDS: Has you on speed dial.

FRIENDS: Borrow your stuff for a few days then gives it back.

BEST FRIENDS: Loses your crap and tells you, "My bad...here's a tissue."

FRIENDS: Return your stuff right away.

BEST FRIENDS: Keep your shit so long they forget its yours.

FRIENDS: Only know a few things about you.

BEST FRIENDS: Could write a very embarrassing biography on your life story...

FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing.

BEST FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowd's ass that left you.

FRIENDS: Would knock on your front door.

BEST FRIENDS: Walk right in and say "I'M HOME."

FRIENDS: You have to tell them not to tell anyone.

BEST FRIENDS: Already know not to tell.

FRIENDS: Are only through high school/college. (aka: drinking buddies)

BEST FRIENDS: Are for life.

FRIENDS: Will take your drink away when they think you've had enough.

BEST FRIENDS: Will look at you stumbling all over the place and say "Bitch, drink the rest of that, you know we don't waste."

FRIENDS: Will talk shit to the person who talks shit about you.

BEST FRIENDS: Will knock them the f* out!

FRIENDS:

Say they are too busy to listen to your problems, but when it comes to

them they expect you to have all the time in the world.

BEST FRIENDS:

Not only kick everything out of their schedule to listen to what's

wrong, but help come up with vindictive plans to make you feel a whole

lot better!

FRIENDS: Say sorry when you want to talk to them at odd hours of the night, or even just hang out at odd hours.

BEST FRIENDS: Come right over and hang out with you, until you either fall asleep, or kick them out.

FRIENDS: Will comfort you when the guy rejects you.

BEST FRIENDS: Will go up to him and say 'its because your gay isn't it?'

FRIENDS: Would ignore e this letter.

BEST FRIENDS: Will repost this crappp!! '

Friends: Will share their candy.

Best

Friends: Will buy camo, a box, skittles, and sit on your roof throwing

the Skittles at innocent bystanders yelling " TASTE THE FREAKIN'

RAINBOW!!!!!!!!!"

“I have a life, I just choose not to use it.”

“Kill your enemies. Kill your friends’ enemies. Kill your friends.”

“I’m a pyrotechnition. If you see me running, try to keep up.”

“You laugh at me because I'm crazy, I laugh at you because there's an invisible leprechaun on your shoulder!”

“Last night I was looking up at the stars wondering… WHERE THE HECK IS MY CEILING?”

“Sanity? Why would I want something as useless as that?”

“Violence is always the answer, and if it’s not solving all of your problems, you simpy aren’t using enough of it.”

“Labels are for cans, and in case you haven't noticed, I'm not a can!”

“Education is important, school however, is another matter.”

“Don't hate yourself in the morning--sleep till noon.”

“You laugh now because you're older than me by mere months, but when you're 30 and I'm still 29, who will be laughing then?”

“Aren't the 'good things that come to those who wait' just the leftovers from the people that got there first?”

“We are not retreating… we are advancing in another direction.”

“I’m right ninety-seven percent of the time. Who cares about the other four percent?”

“They say ‘Guns don't kill people, people kill people.’ Well I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people.Thatdepends on whether you’re in a nursing home or not.”

“If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.”

“Of course I'm out of my mind! It's dark and scary in there!”

“If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished.”

“Whoever said nothing is impossible, never tried slamming a revolving door…”

“If at first you don't succeed, blame it on bad parenting.”

“Silence is golden, duct tape is silver.”

“Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us how to walk and talk, then the rest of our lives telling us to sit down and shut up.”

“Always forgive your enemies--Nothing annoys them more.”

“Don’t mess with me; I've got a stick.”

“There are three kinds of people in the world; people who can count; and people who can’t.”

“Evening News is where they begin with "Good Evening" then proceed to tell you why it isn't.”

“I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.”

“I was gifted, but the psychiatrist took away my powers.”

“You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder.”

“Don’t knock on death’s door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that.”

“When life throws you lemons, cut ’em open and squirt the juice in its eye.”

When life throws you lemons, throw a brick back.”

“When life throws you lemons, make apple juice and let the world wonder how you did it.”

“When someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown about it, but it only takes 2 muscles to extend your arm and punch the crap out of them."

“I called your boyfriend gay and he hit me with his purse.”

“Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.”

"Never say 'Things couldn't get any worse.' God takes that as a personal challenge."

"The light at the end of the tunnel is the train coming."

"Do not use an axe to kill a fly on your friends' head."

"I ran into my ex the other day, then I put the car in reverse and ran over her again."

“Some people are like Slinkies. They're really good for nothing. But they still really bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs."

"Flying is simple. You just throw yourself at the ground and miss."

“Taste the rainbow--eat CRAYONS!!!"

"The spontaneous rally will begin at 1:45."

"Please Note: CHRISTMAS IS CANCELED Apparently you told Santa that you’ve been good this year… he died laughing."

"Don't walk in my footsteps. I walk into walls." (this is true for me…)

"If you wish on a falling star it might come true...unless it's a meteor hurdling to earth...then no wishes come true...unless your wish was to be killed a meteor hurdling to earth."

“Me, Myself, and I are fighting. I got mad at Myself, and Me got mad at I so now Me, Myself and I are sitting it opposite of my brain. Please help me.”

“There’s a dark cloud over my head, so I’m praying; ‘Lord, please don’t send lightning.’"

“It’s not dead till you poke it with a stick.”

“Fire is a good servant, but a terrible master.”

“There are too many wishes, and not enough stars.”

“Dude. Calm down. It’s gym class.”

“Either snow it up for a snow day or don’t snow at all!”

“Facebook is like a refrigerator. You check it when you’re bored but nothing ever changes.”

Gotta go. I’m not really going anywhere, but neither is this conversation.”

“I cry, I feel better. Then I remember why I’m crying and cry harder.”

“I do know, I just don’t feel like telling you!”

“RIP: Spongebob, who died in the oil spill caused by BP.”

“Stop drop and roll doesn’t work in hell.”

“Santa Claus is a creeper. He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake, he knows if you’ve been bad or good, he comes down your chimney in the middle of the night with a giant sack of toys--see what I mean?”

“I have six locks on my door. Whenever I go out I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they’re always locking three.”

“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”

“It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.”

“He's turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable. Now he's miserable and depressed.”

“When somebody tells you nothing is impossible, ask him to dribble a football.”

“A great name for a new country song: If I'd Shot You Sooner, I'd Be Out of Jail by Now.”

“Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.”

“I learned law so well. The day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.”

“Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.”

“Who says nothing is impossible. I've been doing nothing for years.”

“If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?”

“The worst thing about loving you was watching you love someone else.”

“It takes a couple seconds to say ‘Hello’, but forever to say ‘Goodbye’.”

“If you're going through hell, keep going.”

“I wanna be just like Barbie; that bitch has everything!”

“You can’t spell slaughter without laughter.”

“To the world, you are one person. But to one person, you are the world.”

“Would you like a side of epic with that fail?”

“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.”

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.”

“Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn’t find anyone to copy it from.”

“When I was kidnapped my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.”

“There are worse things than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?”

“What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case I definitely overpaid for my carpet.”

“There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.”

“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them, and you have their shoes.”

“The human brain starts working the moment you are born and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.”

“Knowing is half the battle. The other half is punching someone in the face.”

“I think crime pays. The hours are good, you travel a lot.”

“I hope life isn’t a joke, because I don’t get it.”

“Most people are only alive because it’s illegal to shoot them.”

“Some say the glass is half empty; some say the glass is half full. I say, “are you gonna drink that?”

“All people have the right to stupidity. Some abuse the privilege.”

“Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?”

“They say no one is perfect. Well, I’m no one.”

“Do not drink and drive--you might spill the drink.”

“When life gives you lemons say “screw you” and go find an orange.”

“Never argue with an idiot. They’ll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.”

“A word to the wide isn’t necessary--it’s the stupid people that need the advice.”

“Alright everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.”

“Always end the name of your child with a vowel, that way, when you yell, the name will carry.”

“Between two evils, I always pick the one I haven’t tried before.”

“Cross country skiing is great if you have a small counrty.”

“Never forget Mother’s Day, or as they call it in beverly Hills, Dad’s Third Wife Day.”

“Food is an important part of a balanced diet.”

“Get your facts straight, then distort them as you please.”

“Housework can’t kill you, but why take the chance?”

“How many people have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.”

“I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.”

“I knew I was an unwanted baby when my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”

“I wear a necklace ‘cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.”

“I’m not a real movie star. I’ve still got the same wife I started with twenty-eight years ago.”

"I don’t care what you say about pedophiles, at least they drive slow in school zones."

"I don’t forgive people because im weak. I forgive people because I’m strong enought to realize that everyone makes mistakes."

"By the power vested in me, I now pronouce you deleted and blocked! You may now kiss my ass!"

"If Barbie’s not a slut… then why do we have to buy her boyfriends?"

"If you don’t want a sarcastic answer, then don’t ask a stupid question."

"You think I’m screwed up? You should meet the rest of my family!"

"The shit you heard about me might be real… Then again it might be as fake as the bitch who told you."

"Money can’t buy you happiness, but somehow crying in a Porche is a lot more comforting than crying on a bicycle."

"Forgive your enemy, but remember the fucker’s name."

"Help a man when he is in trouble, and he will remember you next time he is in trouble."

“Alchohol doesn’t solve any problems, but neither does milk."

"Three out of two people have trouble with fractions."

"He said… 'Why do you wear a bra? You have nothing to put in it.' She said… 'You wear pants, don’t you?' "

"Best friends. We’re the kind of people who laugh at a joke three times. The first time, when it’s told. The second, when someone explains it. The third, five minutes later when we actually get it."

"Pain doesn’t hurt when it’s all you’ve ever felt."

"We’re not sarcastic - We’re hilarious. We’re not annoying - We’re just cooler than you. We’re not mean - We just don’t like you. And we’re not obsessed - We’re just best friends."

"I’ll always be beside you, until the very end, wiping all your tears away, and being your best friend. I’ll smile when you smile and feel all the pain you do, and if you cry a single tear, I promise I’ll cry too."

"When people you don’t even know hate on you, you know you’re the shit!"

"Friends help you with your crack addiction. Best friends are the ones who sold it to you."

"I would just like to let everyone know that I am a girl, and I like ribbons in my hair, and I wanna kiss all the boys." -Griff RvB

"Got acne? Just ask your girlfriend what to do. Oh, that’s right! You don’t have a girlfriend!"

"We live in an age where pizza gets to your home before the police."

"The world is going to hell, and I am driving the bus."

"I’d kill for a Nobel Prize!"

"Three a.m. phone call. 'Hey are you sleeping…?' '“No. I’m skydiving.' "

"Butt jiggle is just my way of waving good-bye."

"I didn’t fall. The floor just needed a hug."

"If you can’t convince them, confuse them."

"If Google didn’t exsist, we’d all be screwed."

"I survived Y2K, Bird Flu, Mad Cow Disease, 9/11, and Swine Flu. 2012, bring it on!"

"Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to. Unless you are in prison."

"If you had a broken heart, you’d be dead. So shut up."

"They keep saying the right person will come along… I think a truck hit mine!"

"We’ll be friends until we’re old and senile. Then we’ll be NEW friends!"

"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns left."

"Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home."

"Having children is hereditary. If your parents never had children, odds are you won’t either."

"Remember. There’s no I in ‘Team.’ (But there is an M and an E)"

"A classic is a book that is much praised, but rarely read."

"My mom never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."

"We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public."

"The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."

"If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining."

"If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments."

"How is it one careless match to start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?"

"Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night."

"I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you."

"I saw a woman wearing a shirt that said 'Guess' on it… so I said 'Implants?' "

"Crowded elevators smell different to midgets."

"The main reason Santa’s so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live."

"It’s not the fall that kills you; it’s the sudden stop at the end."

"My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too."

"I don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die."

"I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, 'I’m going to mop the floor with you’re face.' I said, 'You’ll be sorry.' He said, 'Oh, yeah? Why?' I said, 'Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.' "

"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon'. Need I say more?"

"After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF!"

"What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time…' A southern fairytale begins 'Ya’ll ain’t gonna believe this shit…' "

"Haikus are easy. But sometimes they don’t make sense. Refrigerator."

"Déjà vu - When you think you’re doing something you’ve done before, it’s because God thought it was so funny, he had to rewind it for his friends."

"Life’s a bitch, ‘cause if it was a slut, it’d be easy."

"You know, they gotta luggage store in the airport? A place to buy a piece of luggage? How late do you have to be for a flight where you’re like 'Fuck it - just grab a pile of shit. We’ll get a bag at the airport.' "

"Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends."

"There are three kinds of people: The ones who learn by reading. The ones who learn by observation. And the rest of them who have to touch fire to learn that it’s hot."

"What if there were no hypothetical questions?"

"Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?"

"Only in America… Do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters."

"They call it 'PMS' because 'Mad Cow Disease' was already taken."

"People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened."

"What is the most important thing to learn in chemistry? Never lick the spoon."

"A friend is someone who will help you move. A BEST friend is someone who will help you move a dead body."

"How do you get a sweet, little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet, little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!"

"Who lit the fuse on your tampon?"

"I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole more as they get older. Then it dawned on me… they were cramming for their finals."

"Don’t piss me off! I’m running outta places to hide the bodies!"

"I tried to hang myself with a bungee chord. I kept almost dying."

"Constipated people don’t give a crap."

"Regular naps prevent old age… Especially if you take them while driving."

"Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture."

"Roses are red, violets are blue. I’m schizophrenic, and so am I."

"On tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor."

"Why is it in the U.S.: If you take off all your clothes and walk down the street waving a machete and firing a Uzi, terrified citizens will phone the police and report: 'There’s a naked person outside!' ”

"A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it."

"English people have different ways of saying things. We say 'elevator' they say 'lift.' We say 'president' they say 'stupid psychopathic git.' "

"Your kid may be an honors student, but you’re still an idiot."

"Adults are always telling me that there are starving children in Africa who would love my food, so I'm gonna walk up to a starving child and tell them that there are obese children in America who would love to be as skinny as them."

Riddles:

Q: What has roots that nobody sees, and is taller than trees. Up, up it goes, and yet it never grows.

Q: I turn polar bears white and I will make you cry. I make guys have to pee and girls comb their hair. I make celebrities look stupid and normal people look like celebrities. I turn pancakes brown and make your champagne bubble. If you squeeze me, I'll pop. If you look at me, you'll pop.

Q: If you look you cannot see me. And if you see me you cannot see anything else. I can make anything you want happen, but later everything goes back to normal. What am I?

Q: If a chicken says, "All chickens are liars" is the chicken telling the truth?

Q: A father and son went in their car for a road trip. They got in a car crash. The father died, and the son was badly injured. He needed surgery, but in the hospital when the doctor comes in, the doctor says, "I can't operate on this boy, he's my son." Who's the doctor?

Q: Two cops walked into a room with no windows and found a dead man who obviously hung himself from the ceiling, though they couldn't figure out how. There was no chair beneath him that he might have jumped off, of, or a table. Just a puddle of water. How did he do it?

Q: Sergi and Sally where sitting in their family room one night. While Sergi was watching T.V his wife Sally was reading. All of a sudden the power went out and Sergi decided to go to bed, but Sally kept on reading. With no use of artificial light, Sally kept on reading. How?

Q: It is greater than God and more evil than the devil. The poor have it, the rich need it and if you eat it you'll die. What is it?

Q: There was a red house on the right, a green house on the left, and a blue house in the middle. Where was the white house?

Answers:

A: A mountain.

A: Pressure

A: Your imagination.

A: Chickens cannot talk.

A: The doctor was the boys mother.

A: He stood on a block of ice to hang himself.

A: Sally was blind and was reading in Braille.

A: Nothing.

A: In Washington D.C.