The Profile of Me

Well damn, and here I thought that I would actually have time to do stuff. Meh, whatevs.

HONEY, I'M HOME!

Something about me:

Age: nineteen years young

Gender: genderfluid and I like girls. Deal.

Likes: Anything that makes me smile and think

Dislikes: Anything that is narrow-minded and prejudice

Some funny Women comebacks I found on an the awesome 'Elise The Amazing's' Profile that I just HAD to post on here.

Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Hiding from you.

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put u and i together.
Woman: Really, I'd put f and u together.

Man: Your eyes they're amazing.
Woman: Seeing your back would be pretty amazing.

"Winston, if you were my husband, I would poison your coffee!”–Lady Astor to Winston Churchill at a dinner party

“Madam, if I were your husband, I would drink it!"–Winston Churchill’s response to Lady Astor

Never take life seriously. No one ever gets out alive anyway.

You're about to become that strange smell in the attic.

"Nice? Bah! He's gourgeous! You should leave him here so I can hang hats on him and things." -Magnus Bane on frozen Sebastion Verlac

If at first you don't suceed, skydiving is not for you.

I'm at that akward stage between birth and death.

People will believe anything if you whisper it.

"Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss." - Douglas Adams

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils ... - Louis Hector Berlioz

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?!

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

"One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures." -George W. Bush

You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it.

If we have been pleased with life, we should not be displeased with death, since it comes from the hand of the same master. -Michelangelo

It is necessary to keep one's compass in one's eyes and not in the hand, for the hands execute, but the eye judges. -Michelangelo

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not. - Mark Twain

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity. - Albert Einstein

There's nothing wrong with arguing with yourself. It's when you argue with yourself and LOSE that it's weird. If you agree but you've done this, too, copy this and put it in your profile.

If you kinda think mosquitoes are a little bit cooler now because they suck blood (which makes them kinda like a vampire) copy this into your profile

If you know who Panic! At the Disco is and know that they are NOT disco...copy this into your profile.

If you know there's more to good random humour than saying "cheese", "fudge", or "pie", copy and paste this into your profile.

If you don't use Myspace and are proud enough to make it public, copy and paste this into your profile

If you have your own little world & like it that way, copy & paste this into your profile.

If you've ever walked into a doorway that you could've clearly dodged, you just weren't paying close enough attention, copy and paste this on your profile.

If you have ever pushed on a door that said pull or vise versa copy this into your profile.

If you're one of those people who gets excited when you see just two reviews, copy and paste this into your profile.

Only crazy people can understand the brilliance of crazy things. If you are crazy and proud of it, copy and paste this into your profile!

Most people would be offended if someone asked them what was wrong with their mind. copy this into your pro if you would be one of the few people that would answer, "where to begin?"

Ok, so I found this on another person's profile, but it was so funny I had to paste it

On a Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping. (Apparently sleep-drying is real).

On a bag of Fritos!:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (Hey, shoplifters everywhere!)

On a bar of Dial soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap." (And that would be how?...)

On some Swanson frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestion: Defrost." (But it's only a suggestion!)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):
"Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating." (Wha? Since when?!)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body." (But wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness." (You don't say...)

On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only." (As opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor:
"Not to be used for the other use." (Now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sunsbury's peanuts:
"Warning: contains nuts." (Talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (But that's so complicated!)

On a child's superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (...I don't want to know...)

On T-Rat (Military food):
Its not for Human Consumption, Animals and Military Use only... (Hey, easy on the military bashing, they're humans too!)

A personal motto, ‘If you can’t beat them, join them; if you can’t join them, kill them; if you can’t kill them, blow them all to kingdom come!”

I'm probably in the sky flying with the fishes; Or maybe in the ocean swimming with the pigeons; see my world is different!

Please make the little voices in my head shut up they're confusing me!!

Don't upset me I'm running out of places to put the bodies.

We're not retreating! We're advancing in a different direction!

The voices in my head are telling me I will get back to you as soon as they are done with me.

9 out of 10 voices in my head say I'm sane. The 10th is undecided.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me!

The voices in my head do not like you.

"When life gives you lemons, turn them into grape juice (I like grapes) and let the world wonder how the hell you did it." - Unknown

I stole this from RusCan4Eva who stole this from JazzyKat who stole it from Crown-Daydreamer who stole it from Saphiress who stole it from Saciice who stole it from VampireWithTheGoldenEyes who stole it fromBlack7369 because it is fricken hilarious:

Things I Am Not Allowed To Do At Hogwarts:

1) The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball.

2) I am not allowed to sing, "We're Off to See the Wizard" while skipping off to the Headmaster's office.

3) I am not allowed to take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter.

4) I am not allowed to ask Dumbledore to show me the pointy hat trick.

5) I am not allowed to give Remus Lupin a flea collar.

6) I am not allowed to bring a Magic 8 Ball to Divination.

7) I am not allowed to say that Seamus Finnegan is "after me lucky charms."

8) I am not allowed to start a betting pool on this years Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. It's taste-less, tacky, and not a good money-making strategy.

9) I am not allowed to joke about Remus' "time of the month."

10) I am not allowed to make light saber sounds with my wand.

12) I am not to refer to the Accio charm as "The Force."

13) I am not allowed to claim that growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is "Extra Herbology Work."

14) I will not use my socks to make hand-puppets of the Slytherin-House mascot.

15) If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for more than 15 seconds, assume that I am not allowed to use it.

16) I will not lock the Slytherins and Gryffindors in a room together and bet on which House will come out alive.

17) I will not charm the suits of armor to do a rendition of "The Knights of the Round Table" for the Christmas Feast.

18) I am not allowed to declare an official "Hug A Slytherin Day."

19) I am not allowed to sing my own personal spy music while wandering the hallways.

20) It is not necessary to yell, "BURN!" Whenever Snape takes points away from Gryffindor.

21) I will not say the phrase, "Get a Life" to Voldemort.

22) First years are not to be fed to Fluffy.

23) I will never ask Harry if his Voldie senses are tingling.

24) I will stop referring to showering as "Giving Moaning-Myrtle an eye-full."

25) I will not make, "OMGWTF" a spell.

26) It is not necessary to yell, "BAM" every time I Apparate.

27) I will not steal Gryffindor's sword from Dumbledore's office and use it to patrol the hallways.

28) I will not poke Hufflepuffs with spoons, nor shall I insist that their color's indicate that they're "covered in bees."

29) "I've heard every joke possible about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge.

30) I will not go to class skyclad.

31) I will not use Umbridge's quill to write, "Told you I was Hard Core."

32) If a class-mate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that and draw a Dark Mark on their arm.

33) House Elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers.

34) I will not start every potion's class by asking Snape if the potion is acceptable as Body Lotion.

35) I will not call the Weasley twins, "bookends."

36) I will not call the Patil twins, "bookends."

37) I will not call the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher Kenny, even if he is wearing an orange anorak.

38) There is no such thing as a were-thylacine.

39) I will not give Luna Lovegood Coast-To-Coast AM transcripts.

40) Tricking a school House Elf to strip of it's clothing does not make it mine. Yes, even when I yell out "PWND!"

41) I do not weigh the same as a Duck.

42) I do not have a Dalek Patronus.

43) I will not lick Trevor.

44) Gryffindor Courage does not come in bottles labeled, "Firewhiskey."

45) I will not dress up as Voldemort on Halloween.

46) It is a bad idea to tell Snape he takes himself to seriously.

47) I will not tell Sir Cadogan that The Knight's Who Say Ni have challenged him to a duel, then have all the students say, 'Ni' from various directions.

48) I am not the King of the Potato People and I do not have a flying carpet.

49) "To conquer the Earth with an army of flying monkeys" is not a career choice.

50) I will not tell the first years that Professor Snape is the Voice of God.

51) If I go into the Forbidden Woods at night, assume that I don't have a back-up plan

52) I am not allowed to peeve off Peeves, who can be very testy when provoked

53) If there is something that smells funny coming from underneath the Quidditch seats and I am there, move away as fast as you can

54) Never allow me to play Quidditch when I have a wand at the ready

55) When I wear my Hufflepuff robes and something pisses me off I will not say "Honey badger don't care"

56) I will not lock Harry and Draco in a broom closet to see who comes out on top...I mean that in every since of the phrase

57) I will not take the sorting hat to see if House Elves can be trained as a wizard-elf army

58) I will not ask Snape if he ever got over Lily, thereby questioning his virginity

59) I will not ask Bellatrix Lestrange where she got her fabulous 1800s hooker dresses

60) To switch out all the owls with hippogriffs is not conducive to the mail service

There! I added the last ten, can you add more?

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