Does anyone actually read these profiles? Do they say, "hey, I liked that story, let me find out what the person who wrote it is like"?

No. If someone looks at your profile, it is either bacause they liked your story enough that they want to read more of your work, or because they found your story so offensive (because of content or talant, or lack thereof) that they will take time out of their day to bitch at you because of it.

Therefor, I am fully expecting to get an email from some pissed-off reader saying something like, "I live for this website and the best part of my day is sitting at home reading people's profiles. I found yours to be hurtful and mean. Please appologize."

Well, I'm not gonna. I'm a bitch at heart, ladies and gentlemen, and I aint aimin' to make friends; I just want my stories read. So sit back and get real comfortable like, cause I aim to misbehave, and you're comin' right along with me.