Hi! I’m JaguarTheRavenclawRainWing, or just Jaguar.

I read more Fanfiction than I write, and I try to review as much as I can, but I do have a couple of stories.

My Favourite Books

1) Harry Potter by J.K. Rowling. I love it. Nothing more actually needs to be said here. Although it’s one of my favourite books to read, I don’t write fanfiction for it.

2) Wings of Fire by Tui T. Sutherland. Absolutely awesome. This is what I write most of my fanfiction for, as I find the characters easiest to connect with, and it’s also where most of my plot bunnies like to live. I think that a lot of the minor characters have so much more to tell us! (Come on Tui… we need more Winglets.)

3) Anything by Douglas Adams. I have one fanfic for this – it’s not my best and it’s a very short oneshot. However, I do love the books a lot, and I reread them regularly, particularly Hitchhiker’s Guide and Dirk Gently.

4) Anything by Jasper Fforde. Very funny, but also very intelligent.

5) Anything by Diana Wynne Jones, but particularly Archer’s Goon, A Tale of Time City and The Ogre Downstairs. They aren’t her best known works, but they’re the ones that I personally think are best.

6) Mind Games by Teri Terry. Her other books are also very good (although I’m not as fond of the Slated trilogy) but this one stands out for me.

7) The Last Dragon Chronicles by Chris D’Lacey.

AN OBITUARY FOR THE LATE MR. COMMON SENSE

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing when to come in out of the rain; Why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and Maybe it was my fault

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6 year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get Parental consent to administer Calpol, sun lotion or a band-aid to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 3 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

I just lost the game.

If you don’t know what the game is, I recommend visiting losethegame.com

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as Euro-English (Euro for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c." Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but komputers kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like fotograf 2 letters shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they should go.

By ze fourz year, peopl wil be reseptiv to drastik steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by " v".

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

Und after ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze first plas.

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following options:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you are bipolar, please leavea message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up, our operators are too busy to talk with you.

What to do when life gives you lemons:

Option 1) Make lemonade.

Option 2) Make apple juice and watch life wonder how you did it.

Option 3) Squeeze lemon juice in life’s eyes.

Option 4) Throw the lemons back and demand chocolate.

Option 5) Throw the lemons back and tell life to make its own lemonade

Option 6) Make lemonade, set up a lemonade stand, use the profits to buy a machine gun, then see if life makes the same mistake twice.

What does my name mean?

My name represents my three top fandoms: Harry Potter, Wings of Fire (twice) and Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. Ravenclaw for my Hogwarts house and RainWing for my Wings of Fire tribe. Jaguar is a RainWing name, but it is also a type of car, like Ford Prefect!