hi I'm VAL

i like toooooo

write...duh
sing..lalalala
act "oh romeo were thou art you?"

read!!

I'm 15 :)

OK readers listen up how many of you have heard of midnight sun plz sign this petition telling Stephenie Meyer to finish the story.

Stories that you MUST read !!!

Oceans of Doubt By ; Belindella

Love Conquers All, Right? By CillaMarie96

You Don't Know The Half Of It By NotYourBestFriend

Forbidden By : dictionizzuh

The Fallen Come To A New Rise By : zoeybird101

When the bough breaks By: RogueAssasin

. I learned about this site from accidentally clicking on avian flu from st. fang of boredom, just wanna say her stories are awesome.

I practically love the house of night serious lol. so obviously THIS is what most of my stories will be about.

i am hyperactive...die gay-fer the purple spider lol insider.

remember i might not be right about some stuff

:p luv me American idol

JUST A LIST OF BOOKS I HAVE READ

Companions Quartet

house of night series

twilight series

Evernight

maximum ride

Truth About Forever

This lullaby

Lock and key

along for the ride

Just listen

Thirst the series ( workin on reading book3 & 4)

Twilight

the short second life of bree tanner

dead is the new black (series )

The queen of cool

Follow me on

things you should know bout me

i kidnapped bob...hahaha bob.

me: say hi bob

bob: why should i? do i have to?

me:yes you do wanna make a good impression.

bob:what ja mean?

me:oh forget it. you are hopeless

as you can tell bob isn't very smart. ill have to punish him later.

but anyways lets get started.

i live in Georgia but was born in south America. hurray!!

i have 2 pests lil sisters, and one handsome dog (heehee i said handsome)

i bleed blue orange and blue, the parkviews colors,even though i recently moved to Suwanee

and now school colors are black and red ugh.

Girls are like apples on trees.

The best ones are at the top of the tree.

The boys don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt.

Instead they get the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy.

So the apples up top think something is wrong with them when in reality they are just amazing.

They have to wait for the right boy to come along who is brave enough to climb to the top of the tree.

Try Not To Cry

A sad little story I saw on somebody else's profile:

Mommy...Johnny brought a gun to school,

He told his friends that it was cool,

And when he pulled the trigger back,

It shot with a great, huge bang.

Mommy, I was a good , I did what I was told,

I went to school, I got straight A's, I even got the gold!

When I went to school that day,

I never said good-bye.

I'm sorry that I had to go, But Mommy, please don't cry.

When Johnny shot the gun, he hit me and another,

And all because Johnny, got the gun from his brother.

Mommy, please tell Daddy; That I love him very much,

And please tell Zack; my boyfriend; That it wasn't just a crush.

And tell my little sister; That she is the only one now,

And tell my dear sweet grandmother; I'll be waiting for her now

And tell my wonderful friends; That they always were the best

Mommy, I'm not the first, I'm no better than the rest

Mommy, tell my teachers; I won't show up for class,

And never to forget this, And please don't let this pass

Mommy, why'd it have to be me? No one, though. deserves this.

But mommy, it's not fair, I left without a kiss.

And Mommy tell the doctors; I know that they really did try

I think I even saw one doctor, trying not to cry.

Mommy, I'm slowly dying, with a bullet in my chest,

But Mommy please remember, I'm in heaven with the rest

When I heard that great, big bang, I ran as fast as I could

please listen to me if you would,

I wanted to go to college, I wanted to try things that were new

I guess I'm not going with Daddy, On that trip to the new zoo

I wanted to get married, I wanted to have a kid,

I wanted to be an actress, I really wanted to live.

But Mommy I must go now, The time is getting late,

Mommy, tell my Zack, I'm sorry to cancel the date.

I love you Mommy, I always have, I know you know its true

And Mommy all I need to say is, "Mommy, I love you"

MY FAVORITE QUOTES BY JACOB BLACK

"AGE IS JUST A NUMBER BABY"- JACOB BLACK

" HE IS SUCH A MARSHMALLOW"-JACOB BLACK

"Does me being half naked bother you?" - Jacob Black

"Sorry, I don't have any leeches on my speed dial."-Jacob Black

"How hard did you hit your head?"- Jacob black

"What's up with you and age? I mean, how old was the Cullen guy anyway?"- JACOB BLACK

OK VERY FUNNY MOMENTS :)

Jacob Black: So, "Face Punch", huh? You like action movies?
Mike: No, not really.
Jacob Black: I heard it sucks. Bad.
Mike: Hey... Are you even old enough to see this movie? I mean, without adult supervision?
Jacob Black: Right... Yeah. Well, she's buying my ticket for me.
Mike: Right... Okay.
Bella Swan: Well, Jessica bailed and Angela's got the stomach flu so Eric's taking care of her... It's just us three.
Jacob Black: Great...
Mike: Great...

Jacob Black: Bella, you're crossing a line.
Bella Swan: Then don't draw one.

Bella Swan: You're sorta beautiful.
Jacob Black: How hard did you hit your head?

Bella Swan: So, you're a werewolf?
Jacob Black: Yeah, last time I checked.

Quil Ateara: So this is your girlfriend, huh?
Jacob Black: looks around awkwardly I said she was a girl who was a friend
Quil Ateara: looks at Embry Do you remember him making that distinction?
Embry Call: No I don't.

-"Life sucks and then you die. Yeah I should be so lucky."

this is how THE dress LOOK like that Zoey wore in ch.7

www.polyvore.com/.../thing?id=6532495

1. i need to tell you a secret.(look at #5)
2. the answer is... (look at #11)
3. don't get mad. (look at #15)
4. calm down. (look at #13)
5. first. (look at #2)
6. don't be that mad. (look at #12)
7. i just wanted to say hi lol :P
8. what i wanted to tell you is... (look at 14)
9. be patient. (look at #4)
10. this is the last time okay. (look at #7)
11. i'm not crazy. (look at #6)
12. sorry. (look at #8)
13. don't be hype. (look at #10)
14. i don't know how to say this. (look at #3)
15. you must be ticked off now. (look at #9)

Top 75 Most Annoying Things To Do In An Elevator/READ THIS!

When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

Call the Psychic Hot line from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor your on.

Hold the doors open and say your waiting for a friend. After a while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"

Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"

Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.

Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.

Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking.

Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

Ask, "Did you feel that?"

Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay, don't panic, they open again!"

Swat at flies that don't exist.

Tell people that you can see their aura.

Call out, "Group Hug!"and then enforce it.

Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"

Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"

Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "Your one of THEM!" and back away slowly.

Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce, "I have new socks on".

Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is MY personal space!"

Put police tape in front of the door before entering.

Fart loudly when there are only two of you in the elevator. Argue vehemently that it wasn't you.

Hold an auction.

Do the "potty dance" all the way to the elevator door. Upon arrival, sigh and look greatly relieved.

Ask every passenger coming if you can borrow a tampon. Especially effective if victim is male. Even more effective if you yourself are male.

Throw a rave.

Place potted plants and water fountains at strategic locations in the lift. When people ask what you are doing, tell them you "won't ride an elevator that's not fung shwei."

Greet everyone getting on with a warm handshake and ask them to call you "Admiral".

Hum the first six notes of the "It's a small world" over and over again.

When you brush past someone, whisper "Was it good for you too?"

Have a heated debate with yourself.

Bring a melon onto the elevator. Try to sell it to the other passengers.

Drum on every available surface.

Write a big X on the elevator floor, and hand out "pirate" maps to everyone as they enter.

Give psychotherapy to the other passengers.

Greet everyone coming on as if they were your best friend. Use the same name for all of them.

Say "ring ring," then pull a banana out of your pocket and start talking into it.

Propose to the other passengers.

Challenge people to duels.

Sell girl scout cookies.

Bring a large pile of ice. Build an igloo on the floor.

Come on looking really scared, and say to another passenger..."I'm kinda nervous...this is my first time flying..."

Any time someone enters the doors, recoil in horror.

Stick your tongue out. Act like it's a cigarette, and ask someone for a lighter.

Pitch a tent on the floor, and "camp out" for the weekend.

Play "I've got your nose" with the other passengers.

Shout "Food fight!"

Every time someone else talks, angrily shout: "Some people are trying to sleep here!"

When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to pull the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

Lick one of the buttons. Tell the other passengers you're sick and tired of people stealing your food the second you turn your back.

Elevators were practically MADE for river dnce!

Bring a snowboard onto the elevator. Put it on. Every time the lift goes up or down, shout "WOO-YEAH! This is what I call sick air!"

Make sushi.

Press your nose against the other passengers, and say "You know, this is what the Eskimos used to do before having sex."

Shave.

Every time the elevator goes down, loudly scream "OH MY GOD!! We're all gonna die! This is it! This is it! It's over! IT'S OVER!!" Look relieved when it stops

moving. When you begin to drop again, repeat.

Ask the other passengers if they want to see your glass clown collection.

Practice your kung fu.

Make race car noises when people get on and off.

Ask everyone on the elevator: "Are you my mother?"

Fly a model airplane.

Do yoga.

Play the accordion

Enter the elevator with nothing on your head. Individually ask everyone if they like your hat.

Bring a rocking chair. Sit and knit.

Recite gangster rap lyrics in monotone.

Enter with a shovel, and attempt to "dig for treasure."

Read "Green Eggs and Ham" at the top of your lungs. Sound out every word.

40 Things to do when your in Walmart!

1. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

2. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

3. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone,
" 'Code 3' in housewares"... and see what happens.

4. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

5. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

7. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask,
"Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

8. Look right into the security camera & use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.

9. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti - depressants are.

10. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

11. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look"

12. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through,
say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

13. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream..
"NO! NO! It's those voices again!"

14. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while and then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!

15.Grab a lot of bouncy balls and throw them down the aisle, shouting "Go, Pikachu, Go"

16. Pass out bananas to random people and snicker loudly when they take one.

17. Buy 350 cans of tuna and scream "THIS CAN'T BE RIGHT!! YOU HAVE TO PUT SOME BACK!!" when the cashier tells you the price.

18. Walk around looking confused in the CD section and ask people where you can find the Cd's.

19. Start a fish-stick fight.

20. Walk up to random people, give them bear hugs, and say very loudly that you missed them and they never really did get that dandruff shampoo you recommended.

21. Jump in a cart and have a friend push you while you scream "The Germans are coming!"

22. Attempt to fly off a high shelf.

23. Run up to an employee and ask "Do you like me?" If they say no, yell out "You broke my heart, you evil monster! I'm telling the manager!" and start throwing canned tomatoes at them. If they say yes just to get you away, pat their shoulder, and say "What a shame because that girl over there" point to a random person "was just about to ask you to dinner."

24. Throw confetti on random people walking into the store.

25. Whisper "I know your 'little' secret" to people in the checkout lines.

26. Stand inside the freezer in the frozen food section.

27. Walk up to employees and whisper "I saw dead people...they want me to take you away...to aisle eight..."

28. Ask the clerk to make a page saying "If there is an Edward in the store, Bella is looking for you at the main info desk". (this works b/c of fan girls...no offense)

29. See how many cans of frosting you can open and thoroughly lick without getting caught.

30. Go to a person with a shopping cart full of merchandise and demand a ride in the basket.

31. Practice your juggling with a few Grade-A eggs.

32. Squeeze the cream-filled donuts.

33. Walk into the baby clothes section, pick up a pink baby dress, then throw it down and run away screaming that the pink bunnies of doom came back.

34. Bow to the display of T.Vs in the electronics section.

35. See if you can move the bottom can from the gigantic canned beet pyramid

36. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.

37. Challenge people to duels in the back aisles with wrapping paper tubes.

38. Have a conversation with yourself loud enough so that people in the other aisles can hear you.

39. Throw things over one aisle into another one.

40. Mark out price tags with a sharpie.

FEMALE COMEBACKS!!
pick up line comebacks, add to it

Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Hiding from you.

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put u and i together
Woman: Really, I'd put f and u together

Man: Your eyes they're amazing.
Woman: Seeing your back would be pretty amazing.

Man: Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?
Woman: It's gonna hurt when I hit you upside the head

-Hello and welcome to the Mental Health Hot-line. If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities press 3, 4, 5, 6. If you are paranoid, we know what you are and what you want so stay on the line and we'll trace your call. If you are delusional press 7 and your call will be sent to the Mother Ship. If you are schizophrenic listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer you. If you are dyslexic press 6, 9, 6, 9, 6, 9. If you have a nervous disorder fidget with the hatch key until the beep. After the beep, please wait for the beep. If you have short term memory loss, please try your call again later and if you have low self esteem, hang up; all our operators are too busy to talk to you.

Orianthi - According To You Lyrics

According to you
I’m stupid,
I’m useless,
I can’t do anything right.
According to you
I’m difficult,
hard to please,
forever changing my mind.
I’m a mess in a dress,
can’t show up on time,
even if it would save my life.
According to you. According to you.

But according to him
I’m beautiful,
incredible,
he can’t get me out of his head.
According to him
I’m funny,
irresistible,
everything he ever wanted.
Everything is opposite,
I don’t feel like stopping it,
so baby tell me what I got to lose.
He’s into me for everything I’m not,
according to you.

According to you
I’m boring,
I’m moody,
you can’t take me any place.
According to you
I suck at telling jokes cause I always give it away.
I’m the girl with the worst attention span;
you’re the boy who puts up with it.
According to you. According to you.

But according to him
I’m beautiful,
incredible,
he can’t get me out of his head.
According to him
I’m funny,
irresistible,
everything he ever wanted.
Everything is opposite,
I don’t feel like stopping it,
so baby tell me what I got to lose.
He’s into me for everything I’m not,
according to you.

I need to feel appreciated,
like I’m not hated. oh no
Why can’t you see me through his eyes?
It’s too bad you’re making me dizz-ay

According to me
you’re stupid,
you’re useless,
you can’t do anything right.
But according to him
I’m beautiful,
incredible,
he can’t get me out of his head.
According to him
I’m funny,
irresistible,
everything he ever wanted.
Everything is opposite,
I don’t feel like stopping it,
baby tell me what I got to lose.
He’s into me for everything I’m not,
according to you. you, you
According to you. you, you

According to you
I’m stupid,
I’m useless,
I can’t do anything right

My Happy Ending – Avril Lavigne

LYRICS:
Oh Oh
So much for my happy ending
Oh Oh
So Much For My Happy Ending
Oh Oh Oh
Let’s talk this over
It’s not like we’re dead
Was it something I did?
Was it something You said?
Don’t leave me hanging
In a city so dead
Held up so high
On such a breakable thread

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

Chorus:
You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
And all of the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending
Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh…

You’ve got your dumb friends
I know what they say
They tell you I’m difficult
But so are they
But they don’t know me
Do they even know you?
All the things you hide from me
All the that you do CD version
All the stuff that you do radio edited version

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

Chorus

It’s nice to know that you were there
Thanks for acting like you cared
And making me feel like I was the only one
It’s nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done

Chorus x2

x2
Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh…
So much for my happy ending

Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh…

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would produce enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.

Just twenty seconds worth of fuel remained when Apollo 11’s lunar module landed on the moon.

If you attempted to count to stars in a galaxy at a rate of one every second it would take around 3,000 years to count them all.

Every minute in the U.S. six people turn 17.

Human hair and fingernails continue to grow after death.

Termites eat wood twice as fast when listening to heavy metal music.

Guinness Book Of Records holds the record for being the book most stolen from Public Libraries.

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
# The term “devil’s advocate” comes from the Roman Catholic church. When deciding if someone should be sainted, a devil’s advocate is always appointed to give an alternative view.

# If you put a raisin in a glass of champagne, it will keep floating to the top and sinking to the bottom.

# There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball

# When you sneeze, all your bodily functions stop, even your heart

# The average bed is home to more than six billion dust mites

# 5 of American men are now six feet or taller, compared to only 4 on 1900.

# Ice covers about 15 of the earth.

# In 1950, only 7 of Americans dyed their hair, now 75 do.

# 36 of the great lakes lie within Canadian territory.

# Only 6 of all coupons printed are ever redeemed.

# The world has been at peace only 8 of the time over the last 3,500 years.

# 11 of the planet is covered by glaciers.

# There is a 33 chance that a peanut grown in the U.S. will end up as peanut butter.

# In the densest jungle, only 1 of sunlight ever reaches the forest floor.

# 75 of all murder victims knew their killer.

# Only 6 of the land on Earth is suitable for growing crops.

# 72 of Americans don’t know the people who live next door.

# 25 of adults say on line romances “don’t count as cheating.”

# 19 of men say they wouldn’t mind being stupid as long as they had the perfect body.

# 24 of commuters say that when stuck in traffic, they think “deep thoughts.”

# 1 of U.S. businesses allow their employees to take naps during working hours.

# 20 of men say that their TV has taught them more about life than their parents have.

# More babies are born in September than in any other month

# 53 of Americans think they are paid the right amount.

# About 8,000 Americans are injured by musical instruments each year.

# One in twelve Americans alphabetize their spice rack.

# 95 of the creatures on earth are smaller than a chicken egg.

# 57 of women would rather go on a shopping spree than have sex.

# 63 of pet owners sleep with their pets.

# There are twice as many billionaires in the U.S. today as there were 10 years ago.

# 25 of the fish you eat are raised on fish farms.

# 1 in 4 people admit to searching in their host’s medicine cabinets.

# 48 of men think balding has a negative effect on business and social relationships.

# The average American dog will cost its owner 14,600 in its lifetime.

# The Ratio of people to T.V. in the world is 6 to 1.

# 58 of school kids say pizza is their favorite cafeteria food.

# 32 of singles polled think they will meet their future mate online.

# In 1948, 2.3 of American households had televisions. Today 99 do.

# In 1998, 58 of American adults were married and living with their spouses, an all time low.

# The top three products for coupon redemption are cold cereal, soap, and deodorant.

# One in three dog owners say they have talked to their pets on the phone.

# 46 of violence on T.V. occurs in cartoons.

# Only about 5 of people dream in color.

# 80 of high school athletes, male and female, say they have been hazed.

# 65 of American adolescents get acne.

# 1 in 6 employees say they got so mad at a co#worker last year that “they felt like hitting them but didn’t.”

# The average American drinks 3.4 cups of coffee a day.

# 85 of parents use child safety seats incorrectly.

# The average American kid catches 6 colds a year, the average kid in daycare catches 10.

# The average American male laughs 69 times a day where the average woman laughs 55 times a day.

# 85 of obscene calls are made by males.

# 5 of Americans never get married.

# 60 of the county of Liechtenstein GDP is generated from the sale of false teeth.

# If a girl owns one Barbie, she most likely owns seven.

# 50 of American adults attended an arts activity in 1997.

# People aged 24-35 worry less than adults of other age groups.

# 5 of Americans say they “never” make their beds.

# The average person moves their residence 11 times in their life, about once every 6 years.

# 35 of people watching

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

The state with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska

The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28 ( now get this...) The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38

The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: 6,400

The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.

The youngest pope was 11 years old.

The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

Those San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments

AND FINALLY At least 75 of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!

wierd o facts o

Antarctica is the only land on our planet that is not owned by any country.

Astronauts get taller when they are in space.

Because metal was scarce; the Oscars given out during World War II were made of plaster.

Before toilet paper was invented, French royalty wiped their bottoms with fine linen.

Canada is an Indian word meaning ''Big Village''.

Children are more allergic to cockroaches than they are to cats!.

Cleopatra married two of her brothers.

Early Romans used to use porcupine quills as toothpicks.

Fine-grained volcanic ash can be found as an ingredient in some toothpastes.

From the age of thirty, humans gradually begin to shrink in size.

Gardening is said to be one of the best exercises for maintaining healthy bones.

and...the wierdest

If you eat a bar of chocolate every day for 36,500 days, you'll live to be 100 years old.

funny sayings lol

Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them so much.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Do you have trouble making up your mind? Well, yes or no?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

You know the speed of light, so what's the speed of dark? Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.(Friend or Money !)

Death is hereditary.

There are three sides to any argument: your side, my side and the right side.

An consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.

Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.

When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking.

They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.

If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

Where there's a will, there are five hundred relatives.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

I'm SKINNY, so I MUST be anorexic.
I'm EMO, so I MUST cut my wrists
I'm Black so I MUST carry a gun.
I'm BLONDE, so I MUST be a ditz
I'm JAMAICAN so I MUST smoke weed.
I'm HAITIAN so I MUST eat cat.
I'm ASIAN, so I MUST be sexy.
I'm JEWISH, so I MUST be greedy.
I'm GAY, so I MUST have AIDS.
I'm a LESBIAN, so I MUST have a sex-tape.
Im bi-sexual, so i must must want to screw every boy and girl i know.
I'm ARAB, so I MUST be a terrorist.
I SPEAK MY MIND, so I MUST be a bitch.
I'm a GAY RIGHTS SUPPORTER, so I WILL go to hell.
I'm a CHRISTAN, so I MUST think gay people should go to hell.
I'm RELIGIOUS, so I MUST shove my beliefs down your throat.
I'm ATHEIST so I MUST hate the world.
I don't have a RELIGION, so I MUST be evil and have no morals.
I'm REPUBLICAN, so I MUST not care about poor people.
I'm DEMOCRAT, so I MUST not believe in being responsible.
I am LIBERAL, so I MUST be gay.
I'm SOUTHERN, so I MUST be white trash.
I TAKE (or used to take) ANTI-DEPRESSANTS, so I MUST be crazy.
I'm a GUY, so I MUST only want to get into your pants.
I'm IRISH, so I MUST have a bad drinking problem.
I'm INDIAN, so I MUST own a convenient store.
I'm NATIVE AMERICAN, so I MUST dance around a fire screaming like a savage.
I'm a CHEERLEADER, so I MUST be a whore.
I'm a DANCER, So I must be stupid, stuck up, and a whore.
I wear SKIRTS a lot, so I MUST be a slut.
I'm a PUNK, so I MUST do drugs.
I'm RICH, so I MUST be a conceited snob.
I WEAR BLACK, so I MUST be a goth or emo.
I'm a WHITE GIRL (or half white), so I MUST be a nagging, steal-your-money kind of girlfriend.
I'm CUBAN, so I MUST spend my spare time rolling cigars.
I'm NOT A VIRGIN, so I MUST be easy.
I FELL IN LOVE WITH A MARRIED MAN, so I MUST be a home-wrecking whore.
I'm a TEENAGE MOM, so I MUST be an irresponsible slut.
I'm POLISH, so I MUST wear my socks with my sandals.
I'm ITALIAN, so I must have a "big one".
I'm EGYPTIAN, so I must be a TERRORIST!
I'm PRETTY, so I MUST not be a virgin.
I HAVE STRAIGHT A'S, so I MUST have no social life.
I DYE MY HAIR CRAZY COLORS, so I MUST be looking for attention.
I DRESS IN UNUSUAL WAYS so I MUST be looking for attention.
I'm INTO THEATER & ART, so I MUST be a homosexual.
I'm a VEGETARIAN, so I MUST be a crazy political activist.
I HAVE A BUNCH OF GUY FRIENDS, so I MUST be fucking them all.
I HAVE A BUNCH OF GIRLS WHO ARE FRIENDS, so I MUST be a player. (im a girl though)
I have Big BOOBS, so I MUST be a hoe.
I'm COLOMBIAN, so I MUST be a drug dealer. I WEAR WHAT I WANT, so I MUST be a poser.
I'm RUSSIAN, so I MUST be cool and thats how Russians roll.
I'm GERMAN, so I must be a Nazi.
I hang out with GAYS, so I must be GAY TOO.
I'm BRAZILIAN, so I MUST have a BIG BUTT.
I'm PUERTO RICAN, so I MUST look good and be conceited.
I'm SALVADORIAN, so I MUST be in MS 13.
I'm POLISH, so I MUST be greedy.
I'm HAWAIIAN so I MUST be lazy.
I'm PERUVIAN, so I MUST like llamas.
Im a STONER so I MUST be going in the wrong direction.
Im a VIRGIN so I MUST be prude.
Im STRAIGHT EDGE so I must be violent.
I'm a FEMALE GAMER, so I MUST be ugly.
I'm BLACK (or half black) so I MUST love fried chicken and kool-aid.
I'm a GIRL who actually EATS LUNCH, so I MUST be fat.
I'm SINGLE so I MUST be ugly.
I'm a SKATER so I must do weed and steal stuff
I'm a PUNK so I must only wear black and date only other punks
I'm ASIAN so I must be a NERD that does HOMEWORK 24/7
I'm CHRISTIAN so I MUST hate homosexuals.
I'm MIXED so I must be screwed up. (black, white, canadian)
I'm MUSLIM so I MUST be a terrorist.
I'm in BAND, so I MUST be a dork.
I'm BLACK so I MUST believe JESUS WUZ A BROTHA
I'm MORMON so I MUST be perfect
I'm WHITE and have black friends so I MUST think I'm black
I'm GOTH so I MUST worship the devil.
I'm HISPANIC, so I MUST be dirty.
I'm NOT LIKE EVERYONE ELSE, so I MUST be a loser.
I'm OVERWEIGHT (by like 10 pounds), so I MUST have a problem with self control.
I'm PREPPY, so I MUST shun those who don't wear Abercrombie & Hollister.
I'm on a DANCE team, so I must be stupid, stuck up, and a whore.
I'm YOUNG, so I MUST be naive.
I'm MEXICAN, so I MUST have hopped the border.
I GOT A CAR FOR MY BIRTHDAY, so I MUST be a spoiled brat.
I'm BLACK, so I MUST love watermelon
I'm BI, so I MUST think every person I see is hot. (or used to be)
I'm an ASIAN GUY, so I MUST have a small penis.
I'm a GUY CHEERLEADER, so I MUST be gay.
I'm a PREP, so I MUST be rich.
I don't like the SUN so I MUST be an albino.
I have a lot of FRIENDS, so I MUST love to drink and party.
I wear tight PANTS and I'm a guy, so I MUST be emo.
I couldn't hurt a FLY, So I MUST be a pussy.
I support GAY RIGHTS, so I MUST fit in with everyone
I hang out with teenage drinkers and smokers, so I MUST smoke and drink too.
I have ARTISTIC TALENT, so I MUST think little of those who don't.
I don't like to be in a BIG GROUP, so I MUST be anti-social.
I have a DIFFERENT sense of HUMOR, so I MUST be crazy.
I tell people OFF, so I MUST be an over controlling bitch.
My hair gets GREASY a lot, so I MUST have no hygiene skills.
I'm DEFENSIVE, so I MUST be over controlling and a bitch.
I'm a NUDIST, so I MUST want everyone to see my boobs.
I read Comics, so I MUST be a loser.
I hang out with a FORMER PROSTITUTE so I MUST be a whore myself.
I'm TEXAN so I MUST ride a horse
I’m a CROSSDRESSER, so I must be homosexual. (I love Boys clothes!!)
I draw ANIME so I MUST be a freak.
I am a FANGIRL so I MUST be a crazy, obsessed stalker.
I WATCH PORN so I MUST be perverted.
I'm an ONLY CHILD so I MUST be spoiled.
I'm INTELLIGENT so I MUST be weak
I am AMERICAN so I MUST be obese, loud-mouthed and arrogant.
I'm WELSH so I MUST love sheep
I'm SCOTTISH so I MUST have ginger hair and wear a skirts
I’m a YOUNG WRITER, so I MUST be emo.
I’m CANADIAN, so I MUST talk with a funny accent.
I'm a GUY, so I MUST ditch my pregnant girlfriend.
I'm CANADIAN, so I MUST love hockey and beavers.
I'm DISABLED, so I MUST be on Welfare.
I'm a FEMINIST, so I MUST have a problem with sexuality and I want to castrate every man on the earth.
I'm a TEENAGER, so I MUST have a STEREOTYPE.
I WEAR A BIG SUNHAT when I go outside, so I MUST be stupid.
I like BLOOD, so I must be a VAMPIRE.
I'm an ALBINO, so I MUST be an evil person with mental abilities and is A MURDERER!
I'm ENGLISH, so I MUST speak with either a cockney or a posh accent, love tea and cricket, and have bad teeth.
I’m WHITE (or half), so I MUST be responsible for everything going wrong on the planet: past, present, and future.
I don't like YAOI or YURI, so I must be a HOMOPHOBE
I’m not the most POPULAR person in school, so I MUST be a loser
I care about the ENVIRONMENT...I MUST be a tree hugging hippy
I have a FAN CHARACTER, so I MUST be an annoying Mary-sue.
I CHAT, so I MUST be having cyber sex.
I'm PAGAN so I MUST sacrifice babies and drink the blood of virgins
I'm PAGAN so I MUST worship Satan
I'm CONSERVATIVE, so I MUST be against Abortion
I'm SWEDISH so I MUST be a tall blond blue-eyed lesbian.
I'm a LESBIAN so I MUST want to get with every single girl that I see.
I like CARTOONS, so I MUST be IRRESPONSIBLE.
I like READING, so I MUST be a LONER.
I have my OWN spiritual ideology; therefore I MUST be WRONG or MISGUIDED.
I am WICCAN, so I MUST be a SATANIST.
I DISAGREE with my government, so I MUST be a TERRORIST.
I am a WITCH, so I MUST be and OLD HAG and fly on a broomstick.
I love YAOI, so I MUST be GAY.
I'm a PERSON, so I MUST be LABELED
I DON'T CURSE, so I MUST be an outcast
I like GAMES, ANIME and COMICS, so I MUST be childish
I'm SWEDISH, therefore I MUST be WHITE.
I SPOT GRAMMATICAL ERRORS, so I MUST be a pedantic bastard.
I'm GOTHIC, so I MUST be mean.
I’m STRONG so I MUST be stupid.
I'm Australian so I MUST hunt crocodiles and talk to kangaroo’s.
I go to RENFAIRES, so I MUST talk weird, be a loser, and not be up with the times
I’m GAY so I’m after EVERY straight guy around.
I don’t want a BOYFRIEND so I MUST be Lesbian.(just outta a bad relationship. not ready for another yet)
I'm NOT CHRISTIAN so I MUST just need converting.
I love marching band, so I MUST be a friendless freak.
I DRINK and SMOKE, so I MUST have no life.
I am friends with a CUTTER, so I MUST be a CUTTER too.
I cry easily, so I MUST be a wimp.

OK Now enjoy the stories ;